Текст книги "Losing Her "
Автор книги: Mariah Dietz
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Текущая страница: 7 (всего у книги 19 страниц)
“I’m going to check things out. I’ll be back.” Kendall gave me a knowing smile and waved.
Before I made it to the doorway that separated the living room from the kitchen, I saw you. Of course you weren’t alone. You were with Pedro fucking Rodriguez. I know Pedro’s been sort of a sore spot in our relationship at different times. Most of that’s my fault, and my insecurities again. I never knew him all that well. We had played baseball together but he never hung out with us. I didn’t know until you told me that he spent most of his free time at home, helping his mom with his three younger siblings. It shouldn’t bother me that you know this about him, for all I know, everyone knows this about Pedro, but I still hated that you knew about it.
The second you saw me, I could feel it so I moved to stand in front of him, forcing you both to stop.
You stopped before Pedro, and the look on your face gutted me a little. Your lips were curved and slowly stretching higher though I could see that you were biting the inside of your cheek to stop it, and your brown eyes were wide with hope. Then I noticed you move slightly and caught sight of your hand wrapped in his and felt a little petulant. I wanted to blow past you guys and get the hell out of there, but in the act of looking at your hand, my eyes had gotten caught on your dress and I was already checking you out like a giant sleazeball.
“Hey, Miller, long time no see. I heard you were up in Alaska. Are you back for the summer?” I noticed Pedro smile briefly, like he knew what I was thinking.
I shook my head, realizing there was just going to be one joker after another in line to be with you. “No,” I replied. “I’m enrolled to start school in San Diego with Ace.” I kept my eyes on Pedro, feeling like he was challenging me.
“We were just going to find the others, you want to come?” I couldn’t look at you. I knew that if you still had that same hopeful expression, I’d have caved.
“No, I just came from there. I think I’m going to check out the rest of the excitement and get a drink.”
Done with the scene, I stepped aside and noticed Pedro move forward, still holding your right hand. My hand moved, lightning quick, faster than I had time to process the movement, because otherwise, I would have stopped it. My knuckles grazed yours, and by that point I couldn’t stop even if I wanted to. My finger followed the trail, linking with your pinky for the briefest of seconds before we parted.
I tried not to watch you with him. I knew for my own sanity I should have gone outside, or back into the kitchen, but I couldn’t stop watching. Part of it was just the desire to see you, but a dark and pain-inducing side had me needing to watch you interact with other guys. You and Pedro danced together for an ungodly amount of time, and the longer I watched, the more I convinced myself that liking you was a terrible idea.
After a while, I noticed you break away from the others and point toward the back door, and I thought to myself that something always had you needing to go outside. And I wondered if you were like Landon, and started to feel trapped when you were around too many people. Pedro was following close behind and I shook my head, and headed back to the kitchen.
“Hey, where have you been, man?”
I drained the rest of my beer and turned to look at Jameson. “Nowhere. I’m ready to go. I’m going to call a cab so you guys can have the Jeep.”
Jameson’s brows furrowed and his chin lifted to see something over my shoulder. The cup he was holding dropped, splashing both of us with beer that I barely felt as I turned to see what had him so off kilter. It was you. You were struggling against that fucking asshole that to this day, makes my muscles heat with the desire to beat him to a pulp.
I don’t even know what happened to my own cup. I didn’t register anything until someone pushed against my chest, slowing me down from getting to you. Several shoves and a few threats later, I broke free from the tangle of arms, my focus still on you. My steps increased as I got closer, and I heard Jameson assure me he’d get you.
My fist connected with the side of the guy’s face as soon as Jameson pulled you a safe distance from the mess.
The fight was instinctual. I wasn’t aiming to show those guys that I was stronger, or faster. I hit them where they were going to feel the most amount of pain without inflicting serious damage so that if they ever considered doing that shit again, they would know exactly what it would lead to.
I was ensuring he understood the message when I felt a hand on my arm. It was smaller than the others, and the intent wasn’t to pull me away. You knew you couldn’t pull me back, so you just placed it against my arm, like you knew then the control you have over me. Your voice registered as quickly as your touch. I turned to look over my shoulder and the look on your face washed away the only intention I had just seconds before. You were staring at me like I was a monster.
“Stop. Please stop.” My hands released from the hold I had on the guy as you moved back and effortlessly made your way through the crowd that parted like the Red Sea.
“Ace!” I didn’t bother looking back to assess the damage we’d inflicted. As much as I felt the need to do so to ensure they paid for their sick attempts, I needed to get to you more.
You didn’t slow down, streaming through bodies with the intention of leaving making me quicken my pace.
Some random guy reached out, and began dancing with you, and I felt the anger rise in me again. The desire to punch him pooled in my fists until I saw his hands drop as I neared. He backed off without a second glance in your direction as he muttered an apology.
We hit the front door and I led you to the side of the house, where I’d noticed a bench upon arriving. Thankfully, you didn’t argue as you sat down without looking at me and took a few deep breaths while looking up at the sky. Your hair was curled that night in large waves. I still remember the temptation to knot my fingers in it and how disappointed I felt when you erased that mental image by pulling it up and tying it to the top of your head, exposing your shoulders and neck to me instead. I quickly forgot all about your hair, because, babe, there are few things more beautiful than the curve of your neck and the angle of your jaw.
“Ace, I know you’re pissed—”
“I’m not pissed, Max! I’m freaking overwhelmed and a little freaked out at the moment!” You looked taken aback by your own admission, or maybe the volume at which it was delivered. Either way, your words relaxed me a little more than they should’ve just to know you didn’t hate me. “What in the hell was that? You went nuts! Are you okay?” Your eyes focused on mine and then travelled down to my abdomen. Your words served to create new wave of frustration. Kill him? Please tell me you were kidding, babe? I knew he’d feel it the next day, but I still think that guy and his friends should have been left out on a deserted island for what they tried.
I swallowed my anger, because I knew you weren’t used to that shit like I was. “I’m fine. Ace, that guy was going to …” I stopped, noticing that your mouth had fallen open and your eyes had grown larger, finally registering my appearance. I was a mess, and it’s kind of a shame, I liked that shirt. But, it was covered with blood splatters. I quickly pulled it off, and used the side that was still mostly clean and warm from being against my skin to wipe my arms and face.
“Ace, that guy and his friends were going to hurt you,” I wanted you to see the truth, the imminent threat that you’d been in so you could understand my reactions without freaking you out. “Fuck.” My mind was in a million places as I tried to best route the conversation, still distracted with the thought that the assholes might come out, seeking revenge, and thinking about where I would tell you to run, and fearing that you wouldn’t. I think I knew then, you would never have left me.
“You always want to think everyone is nice and good, and it’s great to be all Anne Frank about humanity, but you have to have a little bit of self-preservation and realize that there are some seriously fucked-up people. It took Jameson and me forever to get to you. Then when his friends jumped me and I realized it was a team operation, I knew shit could’ve gotten really bad. People attack in groups like that for fucked-up reasons.” The way your knuckles turned white and pronounced while wrapping around the seat of the bench, and your eyes became bright and unfocussed, told me you understood there was a threat but it was like you were trying to fight the realization. Why? Was it that you didn’t want to think someone would do that? Or because you still didn’t think they would?
“You scared the shit out of me, Ace. I couldn’t figure out why you weren’t punching him! I know Caulder taught you girls that shit!” My anger began to flare again, recalling you struggling against the fucker, and I threw my shirt behind some bushes before I did something stupid, like rip it and really scare the shit out of you. Then you looked at me with those big determined eyes, the same look that I’d briefly seen before you somehow managed to sprint toward me in those damn heels you were wearing, and then turned your back to me like a shield. “And what in the hell were you thinking getting in the middle of things? Are you crazy?”
“Max, you looked like you were going to kill that guy.” Your soft quiet whisper made me hate those guys even more.
“Ace, I grew up with my brothers and me beating the shit out of each other. I knew he wasn’t going to die. If I’m lucky, I broke a couple of ribs and his fucking nose.”
“We need to get out of here. If the cops come, they’ll arrest you.”
My head shook as I glanced back toward the house with a slew of what ifs hitting me like a well planned a missile attack. “That’s the last thing I’m worried about right now.”
“Well it’s pretty much at the top of my list, so let’s go. Kendall’s car is over there.” Your hand wrapped around mine, and I could feel it. Hell, I could see it. The vulnerability in your voice, the way you were watching me and then looking to the house every few minutes. The way your body was leaning into me, you weren’t afraid of me, or what I’d done. You were afraid for me. I knew it then. I knew how much you cared about me even if you weren’t ready to admit it to yourself just yet. The warmth of it stopped my anger like a steel wall. I was going to tell you then. Tell you all about Felicia, and to dump Eric’s ass, but flashing lights impeded the warmth I was feeling and reminded me I should have gotten you the hell away from there.
“I have my Jeep.”
Your hand tightened around mine in confirmation. “Where are you parked?”
Your head turned enough that I caught a glimpse of your face as we slipped through the bushes, and I saw the concern for the others still inside, and I cursed myself for not handling things right and getting us all out of there.
“Here, call Jameson. Tell him to get everyone out, and to take Pedro too.” We haven’t talked about this night much other than you later admitting to me how afraid you’d been, but, babe, you looked so in control as your eyes met mine and you nodded confidently, and slid into my Jeep. It took me by surprise. I stared at you for a second as you unlocked the screen and flipped down to his number, your hands that normally fidget when you’re nervous were steady, and your focus was sharp.
I opened the driver’s side door in time to hear you say, “It’s me.” I started the engine and waited a beat to make sure the others didn’t need a ride.
“We’re heading home now. Is everyone okay? Is Pedro with you?” The urge to brush a few strands of your hair that had fallen free of the elastic made my fingers twitch. “We’ll see you at home. Tell her everything’s fine and to calm down.” You let out a deep breath and my grip on the steering wheel tightened, fearing you were going to lose it.
My eyes moved between you and the road, watching something new pass across your face, something that I instantly wanted to rid. I tried to wait, hoping you would come out and tell me whatever it was you were thinking, but your eyes never moved from the windshield. “Are you okay?”
Seriously, Ace, I wasn’t familiar at all with the emotions you were stirring inside of me and when your head shook to confirm you weren’t, my heart raced so fucking fast I bet if you think back really hard, you might be able to recall my breathing becoming both quicker and louder.
“I froze, Max. I completely froze.” You’ve never been a loud person, not like Mindi and Kendall. Even Savannah and Jenny are louder than you, but hearing your voice in such a quiet whisper made me wonder if you were facing the emotions you didn’t sound ready to share. “This summer has been such a confusing clusterfuck of emotions and events. I just hope that tonight was the pinnacle of this crazy summer, because that has got to be one of the top five worst parties I’ve ever been to. And that’s pretty impressive because last year Kendall entered the top five after she got so wasted she used my purse to empty her stomach.”
I still picture Kendall blowing chunks into your purse when she gets all dressed up and starts parading around. I will probably never be able to fully rid the image or fact that she’s just as human as the rest of us. “But I knew how to fix it; I knew how to make it better. Tonight, I didn’t know what to do when he grabbed me.”
“You felt sympathy.” I don’t know what you ever thought of my explanation, you never did respond. That should have been my first clue that you hate to face shit, or probably my tenth.
“Why did you go to Alaska?” I guess your question surprised me, and I think you knew that because your eyes widened slightly and I could see your thoughts running faster than the miles we were travelling. In all of the times that we’d discussed things, Alaska, was never something we discussed much. Even then, my motivation to go seemed like a distant memory. “You don’t have to tell me, I just always wondered why you left.”
“No, no, it’s just that people only ask me why I came back, like they forgot I had a reason to go.” I doubt you remember this detail of that night. There’s so much that happened, but a song I tied to you since you sat at my kitchen table and told me you’ve never been in love was quietly playing on the radio. Before I could focus to explain my dad to you, I reached forward to turn it up so I wouldn’t be distracted with straining to hear it.
“I went to find my dad. I needed to know why he left.” We’d barely spoken about my dad and his role in my life, or lack thereof and I was still concerned about how you were feeling. The last thing I wanted was for you to feel sorry for me. “My grandma had heard that he and my uncle ended up in Alaska. When I got there I met this guy that told me this long story about my dad and how he used to be a fisherman with his brother for this company that went out for Chinook Salmon and King Crabs. So I went and tried to find the ship that they had worked for. My dad was long gone, but they offered me a job and the chance to go to more ports where he might still be working.” You smiled at me then, it was an encouraging smile, like you wanted to learn more about me. “That’s where I met Jameson. We spent seven months out on the ocean together. Few people remembered my dad. So when we docked I got off and enrolled at the University of Alaska and continued looking for people that might know something. Jameson and I met Landon there. He’d just gotten out of the Army and was going to school. Every once in a while someone would swear they knew who I was talking about and would tell me where to go, but they were all a bunch of loose ends. Who knows, he’s probably dead.” Don’t ask me why I ended with that when I was worried about you feeling sorry for me. Something about you has always made me say way more than I’ve ever intended. I wanted you to know me, Ace, I still do. I want you to know everything about me—even the bad, because when you look at me with that smile, my smile, I feel like even my ugly isn’t so bad.
My fingers constricted around the wheel again with regret as I worked to explain why I assumed he was gone. “He was a heavy alcoholic that liked to gamble and use his fists to make his hard-headed points. He’s been gone a long time.”
You were staring at me. I could feel it, but was afraid you were because you thought I was a terrible person. “I feel sorry for him.”
Your words made my neck nearly snap as I turned to see if you were kidding. “What?”
“I feel sorry for him, for missing out on seeing who you are.” I snickered, still unsure if you were pulling my leg. “I’m serious. You’re pretty great, Max.”
That word set me off in a tailspin. Great? You thought I was great? A great what, friend? Person? Guy? Neighbor?
You looked just as lost in thought, your eyes focused on my chest. I was sure you were thinking of the fight again because even in the dark, the streetlamps were revealing traces of blood I hadn’t managed to fully wipe off. “What are you thinking about over there, Ace?” If I knew you better, I would have known by the way your eyes flashed to mine and then away just as quickly and your hands clenched around the seat, that I’d caught you checking me out, and you were embarrassed. Maybe I would have then, but my damn phone started ringing and we both looked down to see ‘Megan’ across my screen. I can’t tell you how much I still loathe thinking of that moment.
“You can get that if you want.” Every barrier we’d managed to knock down over the summer was back up.
“That’s alright.” I hit ignore, hoping you would realize I had no interested in talking to her as we pulled into my driveway.
I wasn’t that lucky. You were out of the car the second I placed the Jeep in park.
I was frustrated. I was so frustrated, Ace. I was dealing with way too much shit. Between warring with myself to tell you how I felt, and seeing Eric earlier in the week, and Pedro that night, the fight, telling you about my dad, and having you react so cold so quickly from Megan’s call, I was just done. “Why are you still dating him?” The irritation I was feeling made my question sound like a demand.
Irritation flickered across your face before your face smoothed into calmness that only irked me more. “Why does it matter?”
“Are you kidding me? Why does it matter?” I don’t know what my reaction was. All I remember is feeling so angry that if I could have, I would have punched the moon into the next galaxy after your flippant response. “Why are you doing this?”
“You’re dating Felicia!”
I should have clarified things then. Told you I dumped her and that it was never anything more than her intrigue into rumors about me, but I feared that would give you every opportunity, and leave me without any. “What do you want me to do? You confuse the shit out of me, Ace!” I raked a hand through my hair, praying you’d tell me you were going to leave him. That what I felt wasn’t something I was imagining.
“I’m tired of trying to read through the lines, Max!”
“This isn’t about me. It’s about you! As your friend, I’m telling you, you should dump the fucker and get it over with. He’s a complete dick. You deserve better than him.” We’ve since discussed why you felt like I’d been “gray,” and though I understand your point, I meant what I said. As much as I wanted you, and wanted you to want me, I wanted you to be happy more than anything. Even then, and even more now. God I miss you, Ace. Right now, next door seems like a million miles away.
“I appreciate your friendly advice, Max.” Your tone confirmed I should have revealed more than I did. I should have laid it all out for you. You took a step to move past me, and I knew I needed to do it now, before you shut that door and created a new barrier.
“Ace …”
I think you heard the desperation in my voice, because you turned, your lips curving around your teeth like you were trying to keep your own words back, and then my damn, fucking, piece of shit phone rang again.
“It sounds like she’s looking for you.”
“Dammit!” That expletive was in response to so many things at that moment.
I went home to take a fast shower, and headed to bed before the others got home because I wouldn’t be able to face Jameson or Landon without them both knowing exactly what I was feeling.
I started working on Clementine with your dad two days after that first barbecue at your house last June. I hadn’t known what to expect exactly, as friendly as your dad had always been with me, I still didn’t know him all that well.
The time we spent together out in the shop, were some of the highlights of last summer. You know how you said your dad can get people to confess anything to him? I think he was just as anxious to make his own confessions, because we spent countless afternoons taking turns talking about different experiences. Some seemed like surface topics to anyone that caught a few words, but I told your dad things that I’ve never told anyone, apart from you that is. He never seemed to judge me, or look at me with disdain. Often, he wouldn’t even offer advice, knowing I wasn’t looking for it. He just listened, and shared. Sometimes Jameson and Landon would come along, and other times, Kyle would be there, and though the conversations were generally lighter those times, they were still significant.
Kyle joined us one afternoon, his eyes round and his hair sticking up like he’d been electrocuted. He ran his hands through it, reflecting why it was standing and sighed.
“I swear. If I have to go home right now, I might kill her. She’s driving me crazy,” he growled.
I expected your dad to be upset, but he just laughed and tossed him a rag.
“Seriously, why does she have to be so damn stubborn?”
“She’s a quarter Puerto Rican and fifty percent Texan. What do you expect?”
Kyle huffed out a laugh and turned to look at me. “So you’re sticking around for the summer, huh?”
I don’t know why he asked me this. We’d already discussed it at the barbecue, but I assumed it was a surface topic.
“Yeah, until school starts. Then we’ll be moving closer to campus.”
“Your friend and Kendall seem to like each other.”
“Yeah, they seem to be hitting things off.”
He nodded a few times, his eyes slanted, remaining on me as he shifted so he was level with the hood of the car. “So, what about you?” I’m sure I looked surprised by his question because he continued. “What are you planning to do now that you’re back home?”
“I don’t know.” I didn’t. We ended up renting a house from my uncle in San Diego. He had made it big with real estate, and leased the place to us for less than what we could rent an apartment for, and we had quite a bit of money still saved from fishing that we never had touched, living off what we made in construction in Alaska.
“That’s good. Life’s too short to always be working. As long as you keep your goals in mind, it’s important to relax. Enjoy being young while you can.” That was your dad’s first subtle piece of advice that he finalized by whistling, Let it Be.
“So, what did you do?”
“What do you mean?”
Kyle’s eyes found me over his shoulder. “Ace. You obviously pissed her off. What’s the deal with you two? You guys keep hanging out, yet you’re both dating other people. Is this some sort of love triangle? Or are you guys just hanging out until school starts, or what? It’s been nearly a week since I’ve seen you over.”
Your dad stopped moving. I knew he was listening for my answer as well, which only served to make things even more difficult because I was still trying to figure things out myself. He was right, I hadn’t seen you in six long days, not since Dante’s party. I didn’t leave my house during that time. My mind was playing so many games with me while I impatiently waited for you to figure your shit out.
“We’re just friends. She has Eric.”
You know how you always know what Kyle’s thinking? His face is like an open book, every emotion is so easy to distinguish. When his eyes shifted to me, there was a warning that said if he knew me better, or not at all, he’d have considered punching me. “She’s wasting her time with Eric.”
The intense stare he was giving me, beckoning a response was interrupted by his cell phone ringing. If it hadn’t been Mindi, I really think he would have waited until I told him what in the hell was going on with us.
“I don’t normally meddle in the girls’ relationships. They do enough of that with each other.” Your dad had shared countless stories about all of you girls while we worked on Clementine, but he had never imparted any advice prior to this. “I think you scare her.” The way his eyes were slit, like he was apologizing for the fact made ice run through me. My first thought was of Dante’s and the fight, and then to Felicia, and that stupid call from Megan.
Your dad must have been able to read my fear because he smiled warmly, leaning against Clementine. “It’s the same fear you have for her. The one that’s making having a relationship with another girl sound like a good idea.
“You’re going to have to take your time with her. Ace likes to make decisions based on logic. She fabricates these ludicrous algorithms in her mind that only seem to ever fully make sense to her.
“Eric had fit her requirements. He isn’t around much, allowing her to do what she wants, and at the same time is motivated, has goals, works hard. He looks great on paper.” I remember his dark brown eyes, that are so similar to yours, focusing on me. “You don’t fit her mold because you care more about her than you do about who she might be, could be. And you’ve already been accepted by the family. She doesn’t want to like you because I think she cares more about you than she wants to. I know how amazing my daughter is, and I think you’re quickly learning how amazing she is, but I’ll let you in on a couple of secrets. She’s terrified of letting people down to an unhealthy degree, and she hides from awkward situations. She isn’t like her sisters; they talk, and scream, and cry their way through their feelings. Ace locks herself up and picks every little detail apart. That’s what she’s been doing these last few days. That’s why Kyle asked what happened.”
For whatever reason, I started explaining things to him, “I don’t want to be the reason she breaks up with Eric. I want her to make that decision on her own so she doesn’t have any regrets about it.”
“You won’t be the reason, Max. She’s already got a truckload of reasons. You’ll be her motivation.”
His words seemed to clear every concern and excuse that I’d been holding on to those last few weeks, and he smiled, obviously reading it on my face.
“She’s inside,” he told me, nodding toward the house, and dropping his gaze. He knew I was going to go, he didn’t have to watch. God, if I told you this now it would probably break your heart. Your dad helped me see things in a different, simpler light. I should have gone to him after our fight.
“If you smell bleach, you’re in trouble.” I remember the confusion of Kyle’s warning making my eyebrows knit. He jerked his head toward the house. “Bleach means she’s pissed and she’s doing heavy-lifting thinking; it also means you’re up shit creek. So I hope for your sake that it doesn’t smell like bleach.”
I was still questioning if he was just being a smartass, and closing the last few feet to the house when the soft echo of his run made me stop and turn.
“Don’t jerk her around. I like you. You’re not nearly as big of a playboy as I’d thought, but that’s my sister, so if your dick’s not sure, don’t go in there.”
“I’m sure.”
A small grin replaced the look of question before he turned to go and then hesitated, turning back to face me. “If she won’t talk about things, don’t force her. She’ll come around.”
You mom greeted me with a smile as I entered the back patio door. I’d been over to your house enough I probably shouldn’t have felt half as nervous as I did, but realizing everyone was aware of what was happening between us just intensified my nerves.
“You know, that park off of Grand shows movies in the park every Sunday this summer. A lot of them are older movies that you kids probably don’t have a lot of interest in, but I saw Pretty in Pink is playing tomorrow.” I had no idea what she was talking about. Hearing the title, I was instantly picturing little girls in a beauty pageant or something else equally ridiculous. “You know, the one with Molly Ringwald, Jon Cryer, and Andrew McCarthy?” she offered, looking hopeful. “Duckie?”
I tried to place any of those names, but she read my confusion, smiling before she continued. “You probably wouldn’t have seen it. Ace used to love watching it with Mindi. The two of them have seen that movie so many times they probably know it by heart. Ace really is too young to be a Rat Pack fan, so’s Mindi for that matter, but most girls that watch Molly Ringwald in those movies seem to relate on some level.”
At that point, I had lost track of the purpose of the conversation because I was mentally trying to retain the name Molly Ringwald so I could Google it when I left.
“It’s supposed to be really nice out tomorrow …” She gave me a look to make sure I understood her subtle suggestion, and for some reason, knowing your mom was on my side gave me a resounding confidence. I knew she hated Eric, my mom had told me so. Looking back, I feel like a shithead for how many hints everyone dropped our way. I’m just glad to know it wasn’t just me receiving them.
Her smile grew, sensing my resolve. “She’s upstairs, packing.”
“Muriel, would you and David be okay if I took her to the movie on my bike?”
“Bike being motorcycle?” The mere idea made her eyes tighten at the edges.
“Only to the park?” I nodded once. “And you have an extra helmet?” I quickly assured her with another nod. A quiet sigh confirmed she was going to give me the green light, but her bright red nails drummed across the counter with thought.
