Текст книги "Losing Her "
Автор книги: Mariah Dietz
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Текущая страница: 4 (всего у книги 19 страниц)
I hadn’t realized I’d drifted off to sleep with my thoughts. Lately, I’m so consumed by them that I spend too much of the night trying to figure out what in the hell happened. I’m not in the habit of receiving many late night phone calls these days. Apparently being in a relationship ended those late night invitations. Plus, I’ve been shutting my phone off at night to avoid the temptation to call Ace since I kicked her out of my living room.
I need some time. I need to figure out what in the hell happened. She knows I have trust issues, and right now I don’t know how to make things go back to the way they were. I roll over to grab my phone as it continues ringing, and my mind starts running in every direction as I try to make a decision about whether I should answer it or not. I need to stop ignoring her. Avoiding her is no better than her running.
I look at the screen and sigh in disappointment when I see it’s Jameson calling, realizing how much I had been hoping it was her. I consider ignoring it. He and Landon are out at a local bar, watching a baseball game that I had refused to attend because I am still swimming in self-pity that’s quickly transforming into self loathing.
“Yeah,” I answer, putting the phone to my ear.
“Max, you’ve got to head to Ace’s man.”
I sit up, hearing the stress in Jameson’s voice. “What’s going on?” I flip the covers off and pull on the same jeans I’d worn earlier.
“David Bosse, he just died … he’s dead.”
I hear him repeat my name a few times before I realize I’m no longer standing. “Shit.” I attempt to process this information while trying to recall the last time I saw David. I’ve been avoiding going home since my fight with Ace. It’s been a couple of weeks now, and the guilt over how things ended ties my stomach in knots.
“How? When? Where is she?” The questions race out of my mouth, and my skin prickles with fear. I feel the foreign sting of tears cloud my vision, and my throat constricts. This can’t be real.
I’ve been so wrapped up in my fears that Ace was getting ready to leave, and now this? David is the second father figure in my life to leave without warning.
“I don’t know, man. Kendall just called. I could barely understand her, but she’s going to Ace’s. Her phone was off or something. Max, you should go, she’s going to need you. Whatever’s going on between you guys … tonight … she needs you.”
“I’m leaving now.” I hang up and grab a T-shirt from my closet and slide on some flip flops before rushing out to my Jeep, still trying to make sense of the situation. What am I going to do? How is she going to react to me?
I pull into her apartment complex as a flash of images race through my head: memories of David starting from the first day I met him until our last visit. He was friendly, compassionate, and had a great sense of humor, the complete opposite of what I allow myself to remember of my own father. David had a love for life and his daughters that was contagious. I found myself falling more in love with Ace, seeing and learning how much he loved her. This is going to kill her.
Taking a few deep breaths, I open my car door and hear her crying over the sounds of the street before I can even see her. I know it’s her cry, just like I could pick out her blond hair in a sea of other blondes, know her touch while blindfolded, or the sound of her breaths in a crowded room. Everything about her speaks in volumes to me.
I race toward the apartment stairs and see her hunched on the second landing and briefly wonder what she’s doing out here and where she’s trying to go. Was she coming to me? Guilt floods me as I climb the stairs two at a time.
I expected her to be upset. I expected tears, sobbing in fact, and incoherent curses for losing him, but the magnitude of her pain terrifies me. She’s not hunched, she’s crumpled on a stair, holding her knees to her chest with her face buried as pain wracks her body. She looks broken. Absolutely, horrifyingly, broken.
“Oh, babe,” I cry softly, feeling the tears returning to my eyes. I don’t know what hurts me more: the pain of losing David or seeing her like this.
She doesn’t make any effort to move. I’m not even certain she’s heard me over her own cries. As I lift her up and awkwardly work to cradle her against me, something that is a hell of a lot easier to do when it’s a fireman’s hold, I see Landon descending the stairs, stopping when he’s just a few feet from us. His face is distorted with a look I haven’t seen him wear in over a year—the same one he used to have when I knew he was thinking about war and loss.
He allows me to pass him and I hear his footsteps on the stairs as he follows me back up to her apartment.
She doesn’t fight me at all as I carry her, as though she isn’t even aware she’s being moved. Ace has always been strong, fiercely so at times. She has such a presence to her, but tonight she looks so small and fragile it terrifies me.
I carry her through the living room where I see Jameson holding Kendall on his lap. Her face is buried in his neck, but Jameson looks up to see me and grimaces as he sees us. I watch his nostrils flare and his head shake. His eyes are rimmed with tears that slowly start to fall, and I know he feels the same magnitude of pain and loss that I am.
When I reach Ace’s room I gently lay her on the bed, and move her bare feet so I can lift the covers over her. All I want to do is hold her and somehow absorb some of this pain from her. I wish I could take it all, every last ounce, but I know I can’t. I may be able to help dull it, but time and acceptance are the only things that are going to allow this pain to ease.
I sit beside her with my back propped against the headboard and pull her against my chest, holding her so tightly I have to consciously loosen my grip a few times out of fear I’m hurting her. Ace loses all of her composure and lets out gut wrenching sobs that dampen my shirt. I cry my own tears, pressing my lips to the top of her head. It’s been weeks since I’ve kissed her, and I hate that this is how we’re reconnecting. Trying to offer her comfort, I brush her hair back and softly run my hands through it until I lean my face closer to smell her sweet scent that fades as my nose starts to run from tears.
I have no idea what to say. Telling her that everything will be alright feels cold and untrue. Everything isn’t going to be alright. She just lost her father. Nothing is ever going to be the same. When Keith died, I recall so many people mentioning he was in a “better place.” I loathed hearing it; it seemed so dismissive. And who in the hell knows if they’re in a better place? I know that it’s one of Ace’s fears, so I quickly force away my thoughts and hold her tighter.
“I’m so sorry, Ace. I’m so sorry,” is all I can manage to say.
The night somehow turns to morning, and I wake up to find Ace curled up next to me, my arms wrapped around her and my leg thrown between hers like we’ve always slept. But this time, she’s facing away from me, something that in nearly a year of sleeping next to her has never happened. The foreignness causes a shadow of something dark and crippling to creep through me. I can’t place it. I have no idea what causes my heart to stammer and my lungs to begin shrinking.
It takes me a few moments of confusion to realize it’s fear. What has my body on alert, ready to spring? I sit up so I can see her face and take my time looking over every inch of Ace as she lies beside me, still asleep. I hardly ever wake before she does, and on the rare occasions that I have, I’ve spent them lying beside her, marveling the fact that she’s mine.
This morning the peacefulness that usually exists on her face while she sleeps is completely absent. She somehow looks distraught, haunted. Knowing Ace and how much she fears death, I know this is going to be the most difficult experience she’s had to face yet. It’s never easy to lose someone. I still have a difficult time with swallowing the loss of my own dad, and he’s been gone more years than he was in my life.
The mental home video starts playing again, recapping the past eleven months that I’ve had with Bosse family. Laughter and splashing, David’s advice and Ace’s carefully thought-out words fill my ears, while smiles and hugs, Clementine, and blond heads fill my visions. The flood of memories makes my chest ache in a spot that I’ve become too accustomed with over the last few weeks of not speaking or being around Ace. It’s dark, consuming, and impenetrable.
I lie quietly beside her as my own tears slowly fall again at the loss of the man that was my mentor, my friend, and the closest thing I had to a father in the past thirteen years.
An hour or so must pass when there’s a knock on her bedroom door. I can’t see a clock and refuse to move in case it disturbs her. Kendall appears in the doorway looking haggard. Her whole frame is slouched forward, not showing any signs of her usual confidence. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Kendall in her pajamas, or without makeup, and the reality of what we’re about to experience sends a wave of chills through me.
“We should go home. The others will be there soon.”
“I can bring her when she’s up,” I whisper as Kendall wipes her fingers across her cheeks as more tears begin to fall.
“I’m up,” Ace mumbles groggily. “Let me grab a few things.”
She rolls off the bed and grabs a bag from her closet and begins shoving it full of clothes. I’m familiar enough with her obsessive organizing to know she’s grabbing her ‘comfortable’ clothes. She pulls on her Converse sneakers, not bothering to change, instead staying in the short cotton shorts and T-shirt I found her in last night.
Her fingers shake as she lifts the laces, making each of the white threads look like they weigh an excessive amount as she works to tie them. I focus on her face and see the concentration in her eyes, the tightness in her jaw and neck. The shaking is from something far more powerful than a lack of sleep; it’s from heartache.
I stand from the bed and kneel beside her. My hands reach out to take the laces from her, and she jerks away without even looking at me. She’s struggling for control. I understand this feeling well.
Pulling back to allow her some space, I watch as she ties her shoes with a look of contempt. She stands and dusts off her ass. Ace is possibly the cleanest person I’ve ever met, especially when something is bothering her, and after the past couple of weeks, I’m sure her apartment has been scrubbed over many times. I can smell the faint traces of bleach in the air as proof.
Jameson drives Kendall’s car with Ace and me in the backseat. She sits with her hands knotted together in her lap and stares out the window. I consider reaching over to touch her, but she looks so closed off I don’t want to push her. Instead, I closely watch her out of the corner of my eye.
The car ride is silent, except for Kendall occasionally crying into a tissue or blowing her nose. I catch Jameson glancing at me periodically as we make the quiet trip. He’s nervous and twitchy, making his driving even worse, but neither of the girls says a thing. They’re lost in their own worlds, worlds that Jameson and I don’t fully understand the language, customs, or expectations of. As we get closer, Ace begins fidgeting, a telltale sign that she’s nervous, which makes it that much more difficult for me to not reach out and try to comfort her.
When we pull up to their house, Ace is the last to get out. She almost looks like she’s in physical pain as she walks toward the front door, and I feel my throat constrict. I don’t know if I’m feeling her pain or my own at this point. I just hurt.
I wrap my arm around her shoulders and feel her body tense below me, but she doesn’t make a move to get away from me as we reach the front door.
Kendall pushes the door fully open, and we all step inside, not sure of the proper protocols for this situation. I automatically notice that Zeus isn’t greeting us as he usually does, and I can tell Ace notices too as her eyes silently dart around.
“Kendall, do you recall that woman’s name that catered that charity gala you attended with me a couple of months ago at the museum? She made all those really delicious bite-sized hors d’oeuvres.” I’m shocked to hell when I see Muriel dressed in a skirt and blouse, her hair and makeup done.
I feel when Ace sees her. Her muscles become more strained and her hands ball into fists at her sides.
“Mom?” Kendall asks.
“Hi, sweethearts,” Muriel greets us. Her voice is slightly strained and her eyes avoid looking directly at us. I’m sure it’s because she’s on the edge of breaking, but seeing her fight to remain normal seems to make it even worse.
Jenny appears from the study and the sight of her face is enough to make anyone cry. Her chin trembles and her cheeks, which are stained with tears, grow a bright shade of red as she approaches us, seeking out her sisters. Kendall reaches for her and ties her arms around Jenny’s neck.
Hearing the front door open, I turn and see Kyle and Mindi walking in, both of them look exhausted and crushed. Mindi begins crying, it’s a ripping cry, like a feral cat. Kendall and Jenny react instantly, moving to her and all three embracing. Ace doesn’t turn to watch. I’m not sure if she’s seeing anything right now with the way her eyes are glazed over as she stares toward the kitchen.
“Oh, Ace,” Kyle says, looking past me.
I think he’s also sensing that something is eerily wrong with the girl he loves as a sister. He walks over to her, completely unfazed by her lack of acknowledgment, and wraps his arms around her. I feel a little better as I watch her barely tolerate Kyle’s affections.
Savannah and Caulder are the last of the family to arrive. Savannah starts explaining in a garbled voice about nursing and babysitters, which doesn’t fully make sense, but it’s irrelevant.
My mom comes over around nine. I can tell by her dazed expression that she must have just heard the news. Her eyes survey the house, looking more pained with each face she passes. When she finds me, she crosses the short distance and gives me a hug. “The hospital just called,” she whispers.
Abby and Jesse arrive within seconds of her, followed by Landon and Wes. Abby is like the sisters and doesn’t hesitate going to Ace, ignoring how her body folds further in on itself as she hugs her.
Adam, Ace’s Philosophy professor from last term, that began dating Jenny in December shows up shortly after, his hair still wet and his eyes anxious as he examines the mass of crying blonds. He’s been attending Sunday night dinners for the past couple of months, but I can tell he feels way in over his head by the amount of emotions erupting around us.
My mom tries to heat food, and follows behind Muriel, trying to assist her in organizing things. I still haven’t heard how David died. I don’t know how to ask. I’m not even sure if anyone even knows yet.
The guys and I take turns answering the door as flowers and food are delivered, accompanied by sympathetic smiles and waves. People offer to help in any way possible and inquire about how the family is doing. I can barely reply. I don’t know how the family is doing. All I know is something’s wrong, and I don’t know how to fix it or if I can.
The day is so long it feels as though four have been strung together. Many of the girls spend the day crying, huddled together in pairs of blond heads. Muriel maintains the same odd matter-of-fact aura about her that doesn’t seem fitting for her or the family as she wanders around, gathering things together, and calling people to schedule appointments.
Ace just seems distant and detached from everything. She cries a few different times, but never goes to anyone. Though, each time a matching blond head quickly seeks her out.
When night finally arrives, I’m not sure what to do. I want to be here for her, but I also don’t want to force anything on her. I recall my grandma telling me soon after my dad left that we all must deal with pain and loss, and that we each handle it differently, but we all experience it. I don’t want her to experience this alone.
Savannah and Caulder leave first after their babysitter calls. Mindi and Kyle aren’t far behind. Before they leave, each of them goes around holding one another for a prolonged moment, not speaking, just holding. Ace looks miserable. Progressively throughout the day, she’s become more and more reluctant to allow others to touch her, and by the time Kyle pulls away, I can sense that she’s reached her maximum allowance. Apparently Kyle does too because when he comes over to me, he places a hand on my shoulder and squeezes as if to silently wish me luck.
Adam is with Jenny and Lilly, watching a Disney movie in the den, and Jameson has already gone to Kendall’s room. Muriel seems to understand that the ‘no boys’ rule doesn’t apply after such a devastating event.
“We should let them get some rest. Why don’t we go next door, and we can come back tomorrow?” my mom suggests to our friends that have stayed to endure this hellish day.
“I want to help,” Abby says through fresh tears as Jesse pulls her closer to his side.
“You are, sweetheart, just by being here, you’re helping an insurmountable amount. But they need to rest,” my mom explains. She’s using her doctor’s voice. I know she’s had to deliver too many messages of bad news to families over the years and can see the pain of this loss on every inch of her, from her eyes that have remained laden with tears all day, to the deep frown that mars her brow and mouth, to her steady hands that never shake, which are now trembling.
“I’m going to stay.” My mom looks at me a moment and then nods. I don’t know what her expression silently tells me before she turns to leave. It was too brief and so many emotions were present, a single one was difficult to distinguish.
I head over to where Ace sits outside on the patio and place a hand on her knee as I kneel beside her. “I’m going to go get some sweats. I’ll be right back. Do you need anything?”
She shakes her head, refusing to look at me. She hasn’t looked at me all day, and it makes the shadow I woke up with loom more prominently inside of me.
After showering and pulling on some clean sweats, I go back to find Ace in her room, curled up into Zeus and crying. My heart aches as I tug on Zeus’s collar to get him to jump down and fill his spot. I trace my fingers over her spine and her cries become louder, filling me with more of my own tears. Her body is limp as I pull her closer to me. I’m pretty certain all of her fighting was expended trying to get through this day.
Eventually she falls asleep and I hold her to me. There’s something so unfamiliar between us right now, something that makes it difficult for me to relax and impossible for me to fall asleep.
Holding onto Ace begins to feel like gripping a handful of dry sand; the harder I work to comfort her and break through her walls, the more of her I lose.
The day of the funeral arrives and I feel the shadow looming with such darkness, it’s hard for me to focus on much else. I’ve been dreading this day. Everything is still so fresh and raw. I know the tiny layer of skin that has started to build over the deep wound is about to be ripped off, and I fear that the laceration may be deeper this time, especially for Ace, who still isn’t fairing well. I have yet to see her eat more than a few bites or sleep a full night.
A few days ago, she started vanishing. Completely disappearing. Always in the middle of the night when no one is there to see her go. She had asked me not to stay over anymore after the first night. I had tried not to act as hurt as I felt and nodded in response but begged her to let me help, to talk to me. She didn’t, and hasn’t.
The next night I was lying awake in my bed, mulling over Ace’s recent changes and contemplating what effects I caused and which were from David, when I received a frantic call from Kendall. It was two in the morning and Ace’s first act of disappearance, which turned into one of many. We were all freaked out, not sure of where she could have gone, as we scoured the entire house top to bottom and found her cell phone and belongings untouched. Her car was still in San Diego, so we knew she hadn’t driven anywhere.
Kendall called Caulder and Kyle, and Muriel called the police, as Jenny, Jameson, my mom, and I began frantically searching for her, calling out and waking up half of the neighborhood who joined in our efforts to find her. The police and the rest of the family arrived shortly thereafter.
It was Mindi who realized where she’d be. She was tucked away in the shop, fast asleep on the bench seat of Clementine.
“She and dad used to spend hours out here together when we were kids.” She said it like it wasn’t a big deal, but it was. I could sense it.
“Something isn’t right,” Kendall admitted softly.
Out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of Kyle kicking over a lawn chair and turned to watch as he looked up at the sky, spewing a train of curses. I didn’t know if it was to David, a higher being, or no one at all, but he bent over and picked up the same lawn chair he’d kicked and heaved it at the ground, following after it and kicking it viciously. I’m pretty sure it was his way of admitting that he also knew that things weren’t right.
I’ve hardly seen Ace all morning and have a feeling that’s what she’s intended.
People begin arriving, sifting through the funeral home, and still, I don’t see her. Apparently even Jenny and Kendall aren’t sure where she is, and she rode here with them.
Abby, Jesse, Adam, Jameson, and I comb the unfamiliar funeral home for her and come up empty handed. Finding her at her own house has proven to be difficult. How in the hell are we going to find her here?
“I know where she is,” Kyle says, dashing out a back door before any of us are able to comment.
I turn to follow him, and Muriel approaches me, asking me to bring the casseroles and other sundry food items like bags of lettuce and rolls that have continued to be left at their house to a homeless shelter. I’m about to object and suggest they actually heat one up. I haven’t seen any of them eat anything, let alone a meal, but she wastes no time turning and bustling over to straighten a large photo of David and the girls that sits on an easel by the open casket.
It’s been five days since David passed away. He’d been at work at Saint Andrew’s Hospital, surrounded by cardiac doctors and nurses—some of the best and most prominent surgeons in the country—but it had been too late from the moment it occurred.
They found out that David, a heart specialist, had an aortic aneurysm. They tried to resuscitate him. My mom said they had tried well past the point where even if he had come back, he would never have gained brain function again. But when it’s someone you care about, someone you love, how do you give up?
Classical music seeps through the speakers that are hidden precariously throughout the room as I anxiously glance around for Ace or Kyle. I finally notice her tucked under Pedro’s arm. She looks like a stranger to me. She’s lost weight and you can tell she hasn’t been sleeping from the deep purple shadows etched under her eyes. Seeing her like this guts me, and seeing her accept comfort from Pedro just makes the pain that much more pronounced.
The pastor that has been visiting the house regularly, making arrangements for this moment, stands at the small podium and says a quick greeting, queuing people to take a seat. I walk to the front where the rest of the Bosse family congregates, now missing two key members, David and Ace, and filled with several that I’ve recently been introduced to. I take a seat next to Kendall, who immediately reaches over and grasps my hand tightly in hers.
The girls had decided to each do a piece of the eulogy. Kendall had mentioned to me that the four of them worked separately on the message they wanted to share but had come together numerous times to ensure that the entire message flowed. Ace was never around when they did; she’d been absent a lot, and when she wasn’t physically gone, she was mentally.
They give their eulogies in order of their ages beginning with Mindi. She looks composed and rigid as she begins reading from a paper that she grips so tightly I expect it to tear. Her voice hitches a few times and a few tears roll down her cheeks, but she makes it back to Kyle, who’s waiting with open arms, before she loses it.
Savannah’s next. She’s crying before she reaches the podium. I can tell it’s not only David’s loss that’s hurting the sisters today; seeing the pain havocking each other makes this even more heart wrenching for each of them.
Savannah cries, sniffs, and gasps through most of her eulogy, making it damn near impossible to understand, but the raw emotion can be understood by anyone. You don’t need to hear her words to understand the message.
Jenny’s next. She’s weepy and makes no attempt at hiding it as she smiles the first Bosse smile I’ve seen in a few weeks, and a mixture of guilt and pain grip me.
Before Kendall stands up, she squeezes my hand hard then lifts her chin and walks to the front of the room.
“Our dad had a heart of gold. Our grandma would tease that it was the Puerto Rican in him, that the French was where he got his good manners and sense of discipline.” She pauses and smiles a little as tears trickle down her cheeks. “He protected us from a myriad of things. Sometimes it was something small, like never giving me cauliflower because he knew I didn’t like it, to making sure he walked us to the bus stop every morning. He didn’t just walk us, though. He stood there and waited, because that was our dad. He would never allow anything to harm one of us.
“Our dad was a ladies’ man.” She pauses again, and giggles circulate the room with quiet, muffled tears. “I mean that quite literally, being that he lived in a house with six women. He knew more about fashion and dating than probably ten men combined, but he never complained. He endured and battled monsters in our closets, fights over hair brushes and makeup, and watched every chick flick ever made, not because we forced him to … well except for the time we watched a marathon of Pretty Woman—that one we may have forced upon him—but it was because he was the most loving and selfless man. Our dad was an amazing man. He spent his life helping others and protecting everyone in varying degrees.
“He had the innate ability to see the best in everyone and everything. Things that some people saw as flaws, he saw as their unique differences, and he was never shy about telling people how special they were, or how great something was. He took the time to notice the small, minute details that others missed. Our dad made sure to make every day special for each of us, always reminding us how much he loved and cared about us with words and gestures. Sometimes it was in large gestures, and sometimes with small ones, like stomping on the roof on Christmas Eve to keep a sense of magic, and bringing our mom flowers once a week for over thirty years. None of us were ready to see him go, but his memory will forever be a part of each of us, because his footprints are stamped all over our hearts in trails that will never be erased.”
Her last words come out slightly garbled as she uses her palms to try to wipe the tears pouring down her red-stained cheeks.
Ace slowly makes her way to the front from the right wing of the room, not looking at anyone as she slides behind the podium. Her eyes travel to the ceiling for a moment, as though she’s trying to gather herself. When she faces the crowd, it’s apparent she isn’t actually looking at anyone.
“When I began writing this, I really struggled. How do I find the right words to describe my dad? The most beautiful and eloquent words can’t possibly begin to express how amazing, wonderful, and loving he was—and he was all of those things, but he was so much more. To some he was a doctor, to others a friend, a coach, a teammate, a mechanic, a son, a grandpa, and a dad.” I watch as she takes a deep breath, biting her bottom lip as her chin quivers. She quickly looks back at the ceiling for a prolonged moment. The pain visible on her tortured face makes several people tear up again, sniffling as they wipe their faces without discretion. “To me, my dad was all of those things, and so much more. He was my dance partner, holding me on his feet as we paraded around, ‘because that’s how princesses are treated,’ he’d say. He was my mentor and teacher, educating me on life, and love, and books. He was my milkshake after a particularly rough day, my strength when I couldn’t keep it together, my legs when I couldn’t carry myself to the end. But he was so much more.
“My dad taught me to conquer my fears, no matter how large or small they are. And to reach for my dreams, regardless of how unattainable they seem. My dad was a superhero, a warrior.” The word leaves her and I can tell how much strength it required to get it out watching her jaw slowly stretch as she works to compose herself.
“I loved him for so many reasons, but what I loved the absolute most …” She sniffs and two tears fall simultaneously down her cheeks “… was being his daughter.
“My dad taught us all lessons about life and love, kindness, sharing, and humility. He was wise beyond all measures. He taught us to speak French, something we pulled out and dusted off each year when we saw our family. And the pride radiating from my grandfather, to my father, to us girls … I loved that feeling. I loved when he was proud of me. Thankfully, my dad always seemed to be our biggest fan, so it never took much.” Her lips press together in a firm line, the corners wavering between falling and lifting as she shifts her weight from one foot to the other. It reminds me of the first time I met Ace in my living room, something that feels like it was a hundred years ago, and yet looking at her now feels like it’s happening again.
