Текст книги "Slow Twitch"
Автор книги: Лиз Реинхардт
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Текущая страница: 17 (всего у книги 22 страниц)
“Brenna,” I groaned.
“Please!” she cried. “Please, please! C’mon, we had a pretty crappy day yesterday. Let’s just hang around. Just me and you. No more crazy surprises, I promise. Maybe we can ride again?” She smiled coaxingly. “Please? Under my bed. She’ll leave for work soon. Pleeeease?”
I laughed again, and it felt damn good. She was a pain in the ass, but she made me laugh like no one else could. “Alright,” I said, lying on her floor and wiggling under her bed. “I can’t believe the things I do for you!”
She hung off the side of her bed, her hair down around her face. “Thanks, Jake. For lots of cool stuff you do.” She moved her face to mine and kissed me, Spiderman-style, then grinned and headed out of her room, leaving me shaking my head under the bed.
It figured that when we kissed Spiderman style, it was Brenna who got to be the superhero.
Chapter Thirteen
Brenna
“I wish I could be there tonight.” Evan sighed into the phone. “Why did you have to meet me right when I turned over a new leaf and decided to stop skipping school? Last summer, I would have been back on a plane to see you already. First class. Are you excited?”
“I am.” I had Evan on speakerphone so I could straighten my hair while we talked. “And I wish you could be here, too. How is school? It’s so weird you’re in school already. Seriously, starting in the summer should be illegal.” I gooped shine enhancer on my hair and clamped the paddles high up on my scalp, pulling the hair through until it fell glassy smooth.
“It’s been alright. I’m hell-bent on straightening myself out and all. So no more shenanigans. Or, not many shenanigans. I’m trying to organize my school folders. Gramma says I need to stop flying by the seat of my pants and start doing all the work. I need you to help me arrange my files. You’re a born organizer. Like a human queen bee or whatever the big ant who hatches all the babies and controls the zombie minion ants is called.”
“Aw. That’s the creepiest, sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me. You can mail me your stuff, I’ll organize it and mail it back.” I ran the paddles over my hair again.
“Gramma wouldn’t approve. I have to learn to be more like you. I promise I will be a hive of productivity. Or an ant hill. Or something productive and organized.” The sounds of some sappy love ballad were playing in the background, and I could hear the mix of love words that were so breakup-related, like never againand let you goand stole my heart, that I felt a little burst of worry. We hadn’t really talked about the whole Rabin thing much, and she sometimes seemed too over it to truly be over it.
“So, what’s up with you? Is it better starting at a new school with all new people?” I looked at my own reflection in the mirror and tried to sound more cheerful than I looked. I just had this feeling that Evan was going through things she wouldn’t tell me about.
Evan turned the music up a notch and clicked her tongue. “I’m trying. It’s not easy. Savannah is so big, but so claustrophobic. Everyone knows everyone else’s business, so it’s not like I get a clean slate.” She sighed and said, “But I don’t want to talk about my boring, lame-ass school life. The shirt you sent me is freaking amazing, by the way. I love how you did that special thing with all the little green stars all over the sleeves. Did Tony get back to you? Did he like it?”
“He did! And Cadence was happy with it, which I was worried about because it was her picture on it and all. It’s tonight, and Jake should be here any minute, but I wanted to call you and talk before I went out.”
“Girl, you better hop to. It’s late already. And I have these damn files to go through. My life is a miserable, rotting pile of boredom, isn’t it? But I’m being a good girl. You would be so proud. Did I tell you I haven’t even been out drinking more than, like, three or four times since Dublin?” Evan relayed the news with confidant enthusiasm.
“I amproud of you. I’m sending you queen ant zombie transmissions. You are going to kick your binders’ asses!”
“Thank you for making me feel less like the loser I truly, truly am. Mwah, darling.”
“Love!” We disconnected, and I worried about my outfit.
I was wearing the t-shirt I designed which I had cut and tailored with Mom’s sewing machine so that it was extra fitted and the v in the v-neck was almost scandalously deep, a pair of skinny jeans and my favorite green Chucks. I had painstakingly straightened my hair, just to make it extra shiny. And I did my makeup smoky and sexy. I was aiming for hot, but didn’t know if I only managed to pull off “trying hard to be hot.” Because I had a worry that I’d never really had before.
Cadence was gorgeous. Like runway model hot. I had completely beautiful friends, Kelsie and Evan at the forefront. But there was something approachable about Kelsie’s kind of beauty, and Evan was so easy about the way she looked, it never bothered me. I barely knew Cadence at all, and she sort of scared me.
And there was the added complication of Jake’s comments about her. Not that I thought anything was going on. It was normal for any guy with functioning eyes to drool over Cadence. But Jake had never mentioned a girl the way he mentioned her.
It sucked because I felt like I was getting a well-deserved dose of my own medicine. Jake had been pretty cool about the whole thing with me and Saxon, and he’d actually had to watch us date; at least I had nothing like that to worry about.
I hoped.
Ugh! I hated that I was thinking that way. Not only did thinking that way make me feel like a complete tool, it made it hard to get comfortable around Cadence, which made me feel like a bigger tool.
Before I could get too sucked in, the doorbell rang and I heard Mom get it.
“Hi Jake,” she said, her voice newly-friendly.
It had taken a while, but now that Jake had won her over, Mom was a lot more accepting of him being around.
“Hello, Mrs. Blixen. The weather’s been great this week.” I smiled at his good-boy manners.
I heard my mom laugh at Jake’s attempts at small talk. She felt completely open and free with him after our time together at his family’s in New York; Jake still felt like he was being judged and measured whenever my mother was around. I raced out to rescue him.
“Bren.” He raised his eyebrows behind Mom’s back. “That shirt is…um looks…it’s great. It’s really good.”
What Jake was trying to say was that the shirt showed a lot of cleavage. Which was helped by a really nice pushup bra I had recently purchased and never worn before tonight. I could see that Jake appreciated the effects.
“Well, we better go. We’ll probably be a little late,” I said apologetically to Mom. I was appreciative of the fact that my parents never set a curfew for me, and I tried to be respectful about that.
“It’s okay, honey.” Mom adjusted the hem of my shirt. “Go and have fun! I’m so happy about how your shirts turned out! You can tell me everything in the morning.”
I kissed her, knowing full well I could tell her tonight if I wanted. Mom never went to sleep before I was safely home and tucked in.
Jake and I ran out to the truck, and he opened my door, but pulled me over to him before I could get in. He yanked me so close, our hips bumped.
“Hey-a, good-looking.” He grinned, then leaned in and kissed me softly.
When he pulled away, his gray eyes looked almost silver. I loved how his hair was getting kind of long and wild and all streaked with gold from the summer. He had a great tan, and had actually developed more muscle on his summer off. Jake got bored if he didn’t have things to do, so he bought himself a weight bench.
I really appreciated his need to keep busy.
“Hey-a yourself, hot stuff.” I smiled back, warm and dizzily happy.
“I just thought I’d take a minute to tell you how damn sexy you look.” He drew one finger along the soft curves of breast popping out of my v-neck. “You make me a little crazy, Bren.”
“That’s the point.” I shook my boobs proudly. “Don’t they look great?”
He chuckled. “Yeah. I mean they always do. They just look…eager.”
I waggled my eyebrows at him. “It’s a new bra. You like?”
“Probably like it more off,” he said lowly, and I felt a little rash of shivers along my neck.
I pressed my hands to his chest and kissed him, feeling a real, honest want to do a lot more. But we were in my driveway, and we had already dawdled for a long time. Mom would wonder why we hadn’t started.
“Maybe later?” My words were tinged with all kinds of reluctance as I slid into the truck.
Jake slammed the door shut and winked at me. “I’m not hiding under your bed.”
“Fine,” I muttered and stuck my tongue out at him. We started to Lodi in a good mood, which helped the massive flock of butterflies kickboxing in my stomach. This was the first time we’d be seeing Saxon and Cadence after my whole essay debacle, and I was all jammed full of nerves.
“What’s up?” he asked. I snuck a look at him, driving with one hand, the other arm resting half out the open window. There was something incredibly sexy about the way Jake drove.
I blushed, embarrassed to bring the whole thing up with Jake again. “I’m just nervous. New t-shirts, new crowd, big concert.” I took a few slow, deep breaths.
Jake took my hand and squeezed before he had to let go and shift. “It will be awesome. I have a good feeling.”
It didn’t necessarily make any practical sense that that would make me feel better, but it did somehow. I trusted Jake’s gut feelings. He was reliable like that.
He left me in silence, just flipping me a comforting smile across the seat once in a while when we caught each other’s eye. By the time we were really close, I was feeling pretty calm about the night ahead.
When we pulled up to Tony’s there was a fairly good number of cars. Tony’s was built in an enormous circle, so cars could pull up around the outside. In through the long plate glass windows, we could see the interior.
All the booths were around the outside of the circle, and the tables that usually filled the inside had been moved out, so there was a huge, open floor space. The booths were filled, but the waitresses were only on the counters for the night. You had to go up to the counter to order any food you wanted. And there were tons of people up there.
“Hey, look. They’re wearing your shirt.” Jake pointed, and I craned my neck to see a few kids wearing the new Folly design. Jake kissed my temple and grabbed my hand, dragging me inside.
We walked through the doors, and I finally released the huge breath I hadn’t even realized I was holding.
The whole place was filling up fast with decked-out, milling kids. You could tell the Sussex County kids; a little punky, a little country and fairly out of place. The local kids all looked a lot older and a little bored and too-cool, but that might have just been my uptight impression because we were out-of-place visitors.
I saw Tony Erikson, who I recognized from his picture on the website I researched for the t-shirts, off to the side, smiling. The band was setting up and sound-checking. I caught Kelsie’s eye right away.
“I feel like I haven’t seen you in months!” She hugged me hard around the waist. “You look fantastic! How are you?”
“Good.” I shook my hands out anxiously, checking the crowd for Saxon or Cadence. I didn’t see either one of them. “I hope tonight is fun.”
“It’s going to be awesome! The band is dying. They’re so excited they’re about to ralph!” Kelsie crowed happily. “Oh, and we sold a million t-shirts.”
I looked around and realized that at least half the room was wearing them, Kelsie included.
“That’s awesome.” My eyes were darting around a little frantically, for what, I wasn’t sure. Or wasn’t admitting.
“So did you know that Devon Conner is gay?” She lowered her voice conspiratorially.
“I actually did,” I confessed. “He and I were in Ireland together when he told me.”
“He looks so good.” Kelsie searched across the crowded diner to Devon, who was laughing with a cute-looking guy with a lip ring. He saw us and waved, then ambled over.
“Hey, Brenna,” he said, and I hugged him quickly because he was still in that way-too-awkward social stage where touching was uncomfortable. “You look hot.”
“Right back at you.” I pushed him away and surveyed his outfit. “I like the tie.” He had on a black button down with one of my older Folly shirts on over it, a lime green tie and great dark, cuffed jeans.
“Hi Jake,” he said. Devon looked at me and raised his eyebrows, but I shook my head at him. I know he wanted to talk about the essays, but I didn’t want to bring it up now, in front of Jake, with Saxon right around.
Somewhere.
It was unusual to walk into a room where I knew Saxon was, but not have him come to find me right away.
“Hey, Devon.” Jake smiled and put his arm around me.
They were chatting when I caught sight of Saxon. He was standing with his arm around Cadence’s waist, so they mirrored me and Jake across the room.
They looked great together. They looked like they belonged, and I was at the same time happy and a little sad about it.
Cadence looked really pretty. Her long, dark hair was up in a messy bun. She wore one of my Folly t-shirts with a black long sleeved shirt underneath, a short pleated black skirt, and black boots with fur. It was one of those outfits I would have looked like a lunatic in, but she managed to rock it and look totally gorgeous and sexy.
It wasn’t just the way she looked, though. She had a nice smile and she laughed a lot; it was a big, easy laugh that made everyone else laugh.
And Saxon was looking at her like he was an astronomer and she was a once-in-a-lifetime meteor. It was close to worship.
He had on a Folly shirt too, a little tight and beat up in a way that could only be the result of wearing it every day while he did construction projects around Aunt Helene’s. The result was a purposefully unintentional added coolness that was made edgier by his nod-to-the-blue-collar black work Dickies.
Oh, and he was wearing Chucks, all black, which would have made me feel a hint of camaraderie except that I didn’t want to feel anything like that towards him tonight. For too many reasons. His black hair was getting long and it was shiny and messy. He was smiling, and the look of contented, in-love ease made him even more gorgeous than his old bored attitude ever had.
He saw us across the expanse and came over, pulling Cadence by the hand.
“Hey guys.” I saw something impatient in his eyes. He pulled Cadence forward. “Cadence, this is Kelsie and Devon. This is my girlfriend, Cadence.”
And in that minute, I knew what the impatience was all about. Saxon couldn’t wait to show her off, to announce to the world that she was his girlfriend.
It made me glad. It really did make me happy to see Saxon happy. I had never liked being his girlfriend. We had never fit together the way he and Cadence did. He never had that easy, relaxed look with me. I smiled at Cadence and she smiled back. Then I saw her eyes go to Jake and they shared a conspirator’s smile.
“Hey.” Jake nodded down to her feet. “I like your boots.”
He liked her boots? He liked big boots with fur on them? I looked at Jake curiously and wondered what kinds of other crazy things he liked and didn’t tell me about.
“Thanks.” She turned one long, slim leg so that we could all see her boot from the side. “I’ve been waiting for an excuse to wear them.”
Cadence was absolutely cute and sincere and stylish, and I liked her. Though the look of appreciation my boyfriend was giving her boots (and leg) was just a teeny, tiny bit irritating.
“The place looks amazing.” I glanced around at the cool 50s style decorations. “I’ve never seen the inside at night. The mirror ball makes it look like a whole different place.”
Cadence looked around with a lot more resignation. “Yeah, my dad went kind of crazy in here.” She shrugged. “We’ve never done anything like this. Thank you for your help, Brenna. The t-shirt design was a really good idea.”
“No problem.” I smiled at her.
“And thanks for putting me on it. That was crazy!” She looked down at her shirt and laughed and everyone joined in, including me, though I felt like I a poseur laughing along, but I was relieved that everything felt decently normal, and it didn’t seem like there was any lasting craziness from my TMI essay.
Then the band started for real and we went to watch and jostle with everyone else. It felt good to be there, in a crush with a bunch of people I didn’t know but felt close to because of the music and the fun of the night. Tony and his wife, Rosalie, were on the side looking happy and kind of relieved.
But something felt flat for me. I couldn’t put my finger on it, and I couldn’t shake it at all. I told Jake that I was going to the bathroom, but I really just needed some air. The parking lot was empty, cool, and quiet: a perfect place to escape for a minute.
“Blix.”
I turned around and there was Saxon, looking all cocky and so wonderfully, totally cool it was as irritating as a splinter under my fingernail.
“Hey.” I didn’t try to smile at Saxon, because there was never any point in pretending anything around him.
He walked up to me and put an arm around my shoulders, and I sneaked a look back towards the door to make sure Jake wasn’t standing there. Saxon’s orange TicTac smell was familiar but incomplete without the usual sting of smoke, and the feel of his arm was too heavy, too close, and too much of a complication.
“So, I read your essay.” His voice rubbed against my ear, half purr, half growl.
I turned under his arm and looked into his black eyes. “I know it.”
“It was a little weird. I mean, I had to read it to Jake.” His voice was barbed with an edge of humor and something that furrowed so much deeper, no matter how I twisted it, I couldn’t figure it out.
“Sorry. I mean, I’m sorry you didn’t get a chance to just sit and read it and react, I guess.” I meant that. “I could get you a copy if you need one.” Then I remembered and blushed when the full repercussion hit. “Oh. I almost forgot your photographic memory. So now my essay is embedded in your brain forever.”
For a few seconds, all I could hear was the electric buzz of the lights, the screech of the bugs, and the subdued din of the music inside. Then Saxon’s voice rasped out and broke the hush. “You sound like you think that would be a bad thing.”
We locked eyes, and I saw those little gold flecks that rightfully belonged to Cadence to notice now.
“You said it was weird.” A sticky, gapped feeling netted over my heart like a wide spider web.
“I meant it was weird circumstances.” He dropped his arm from my shoulder and ran both hands through his hair, kicked the cement, and shook his head. “The essay itself…you wrote it a few weeks ago, right?”
“Yeah, at the workshop I went to this summer.” I trapped a huge lungful of breath, slowed my heart, didn’t blink, and just waited for whatever he would say next.
He grabbed me by the shoulders so hard his fingers bit into my skin and pressed his forehead to mine, his eyes screwed shut, his mouth ironed into a flat line, then pulled away and looked at me with eyes so intensely focused, it was like watching gold fireworks bursting against a midnight sky. I tried to inch back, but his hold was iron-gripped and absolute. “What you wrote…I’m really happy that it’s going to be stuck in my head forever.”
His face moved so close to mine, I was half sure he was going to kiss me, and panic made me rear my head back. My mind whirled around, grasping for an escape hatch before we let things spiral out of control, but he never closed the gap.
“You liked it?” My voice was trapped in the space between us, flickering and bumping like a lightning bug trapped in a jar.
When he opened his mouth, there wasn’t a hint of sarcasm or snark or mind games, and the raw, clean honesty of what he said left me jelly-limbed and quaking-hearted.
“I think it was one of the bravest fucking things I’ve ever read in my life. And I know that I’ll never mean what Jake means to you. But to know that there’s a piece of you that cares about me means a lot. More than I can say. I haven’t had many people give a shit. I know you’re sacrificing a lot to take a chance on caring about me. And I’ve been a dickhead sometimes. But I want you to know, it’s appreciated.”
He yanked me to him, wrapped his arms around me, and put his face into my hair, and I registered the sharp scent of him and felt his strong arms around me in a kind of distanced shock while he just held on.
I had been so worried about Jake hating it and Saxon thinking it was pathetic, I hadn’t left any room in my head for the possibility that maybe what I did was good in some completely unexpected way. That maybe, in some really private, quiet place, it made a difference. And I realized that the private, quiet place was in my heart and Saxon’s, and wherever the crossover place between them was, and that gave me a huge sense of peace. Finally.
I pulled back and kissed him on the side of his mouth, in that barely-okay friend place that’s intimate but allowed, because I knew we both understood what it took to walk right out onto that shaky, unsettling limb and hop around, too curious about what it would be like to take a minute and fear the possible fall. “Thanks. Seriously. I was sort of wishing that I never wrote it at all.”
He sucked a breath in through his teeth. “That would have been a fucking tragedy.” Then he let me go. He watched his own hands let go of me and he took two deliberate steps back.
Anyone else would have felt like there needed to be something else, like something else needed to be said, but Saxon was such a completely lovable sociopath, he just turned on his heel, hands in his pockets, and went back into the crowded, hot room. I felt an easy, happy bubble of a feeling, like it was all going to be all right. Like I could let go of some of the angst and stupidity Saxon and I fostered for a whole long, bitter year. Like I’d figured out a way to love him that had nothing to do with games or hurt or upsets.
That’s when I noticed that I wasn’t alone and hadn’t been the whole time. Jake was by his truck, across from us. I felt a sinking feeling in my heart. If he had seen it all, he was probably pissed.
He walked over, and I looked at what Cadence had admired and I had pretended to be dense about the day before; these two were a pretty high concentration of amazingness.
Even while my thoughts were running the gamut from guilt to aggravation, there was something really overwhelming about Jake, and it always clouded my judgment. He had on a light blue button down, cuffed up to his elbows and a pair of relaxed jeans. If he had a pair of boots and a Stetson, he’d have that modern cowboy thing going on big time.
I was so busy admiring his confident stride and very nice biceps that I didn’t pay attention to his face.
Which was smiling, strangely.
“Was it about the essay?” He stuck both hands deep in his pockets.
I nodded.
“I know I was pissed about it,” he said, then kicked at the loose gravel, as if he could loosen whatever else he needed to say.
“You have every right to be pissed.” I reached a hand out and he took it. I inched up to him and looked right into his gray eyes. “I definitely would have been. Every once in a while, I do something weird and it doesn’t work out the way I thought at all. Or, it works out, but in a totally different way than I expected. But I get why you’re pissed. I’m actually glad you’ve been so understanding.”
He shrugged and swung my hand back and forth. “It’s just plain old jealousy. What you wrote was so crazy and real. In a good way. But I wished you wrote it about me. Not that I’m saying I deserved to have some essay you wrote dedicated to me.”
I rushed the tiny space left between us and put my hands up to his face. “Jake, you do deserve it. You so do. I just haven’t figured you out enough to attempt to write an essay like that.”
“I should be glad that you’re willing to just be honest. You never feel like you have to lie. That’s a really good thing.” He rubbed his face against my palms. “Maybe I don’t seem like I appreciate it all the time, but I do. I would hate it if we lied to each other.”
“You want honest? It’s scary to love somebody like I love you.” The words came out whisper-quiet. “And sometimes I feel like I mean so much to you, and you mean so much to me, it’s just overwhelming. You know?”
“I know that.” When he smiled at me, his crooked eyetooth glinted in the parking lot lights. He ran a hand over my hair. “You don’t have to be everything to me, Brenna. I know I’ve leaned on you hard, but I’m not going to fall apart.”
“I know that. I’m glad you and Saxon made up. I’m glad you reconnected with your Aunt Helene.” I paused and buttoned a button he missed on his shirt. “I’m sorry it didn’t work out with your father and all the rest of them.”
He shrugged. “Fuck ‘em. The Kelly Boat runs better with a tight crew anyway.” Then he pulled me so we were hip to hip and I felt that indefinable rush that always washed over me when my skin touched Jake’s. It was huge and real and took my breath away.
I put a fist up. “Kelly Boat for life.”
He bumped my fist. “We really need to perfect a secret handshake.”
I raised my eyebrows and kissed the warm knuckles of his fist, then lifted on my toes and kissed his lips with slow, sweet pressure.
“That’s a pretty awesome addition to the handshake,” he said. “But we can’t have everyone in the crew doing that. I mean, I’m cool with Saxon, but I can’t go that far.”
“Do you want to get out of here?” I asked around my bubbling giggles and his quick, sweet kisses.
“Yep.” He lifted me up and put me over his shoulder and ran across the parking lot to his truck. The bump of his shoulder on my gut actually hurt a little, but there was something freeing about the way I was bouncing around with only his body to hold me steady, and I loved it.
I could think of a fairly appropriate ending to the night, but it was a weird thing to plan. Or maybe it wasn’t a weird thing to plan at all?
“Jake? I was thinking that we could…um, find someplace to park.”
He was looking over his shoulder as he backed out, but he hit the brakes and switched his gaze to focus right at me. He licked his lips nervously and set his attention straight ahead, out the bug-flecked windshield.
“Tonight?” He jiggled the shift stick nervously.
“Yes.” I took a deep breath. “If you want! No if you don’t. Not a big deal.” I put my fingers over my eyes and talked though the crack in my palms. “Am I making this weird? Am I ruining the moment? You can tell me. I am, aren’t I?”
His Adam’s apple hopped up and down. “No. It’s good. We should talk about it. I want to. But in my truck?”
I waved my hands around. “I happen to find this truck very romantic. We’ve had many very romantic moments in here.” I waggled my eyebrows and shook my shoulders.
Jake laughed, but it was a nervous, quick sound that ended with a lecture before it ever really got going. “Bren, it’s a big deal. It’s important to me that it’s nice for you.”
Then I remembered Mom’s convention. “Hey! I have the house to myself next weekend.”
“Oh.” He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. “Alright,” he said finally. “Next weekend then.”
“Only if you want to!” The weirdness factor wrestled with the anticipation factor…which really just added to the overall weirdness.
“I do!” He jumped the words with too quick a start, and we both went completely quiet, not sure what topic of conversation could follow up planning a date to have sex.
It felt totally, completely weird to actually set aside a date for something that was usually so spontaneous.
Like too spontaneous.
I mean, there was usually a hot-and-bothered, rolling-on-the-sheets, forgot-the-condom scenario when you were young and lusty. Right? Did people plan this stuff?
I felt a little ripple of anticipation course through me when I imagined the night. I knew, without a single doubt, that I wanted to do this and I wanted it to be with Jake. We would be safe and it would be good. I knew it would be.
Jake didn’t say anything, just sat kind of stiff and concentrated on the road.
“Jake?” I ventured.
“Yeah?” he asked, his voice way too loud and eager.
“We don’t have to. Seriously. We don’t. If this freaks you out, if you want to wait, I really get it, and I don’t want this to be some weird thing, okay?” I reached over and squeezed the back of his neck right in that place that made him roll his shoulders and smile. He didn’t even roll his shoulders and smile. Jake was obviously freaking out about it.
“I know that.” He grabbed the steering wheel like we were sinking on the Titanic and the steering wheel was his lifesaver. “I really want to. I’m just nervous.”
“You’ve had lots of practice,” I joked. Whoa, wrong joke. Jake’s mouth shriveled to a tight, white line, and he shook his head a little.
“No I haven’t.” He gritted the words out.
“Sorry. That was a bad joke.” Although what I had said was mostly true, I never said it with the intention of hurting his feelings.
“You really don’t get it, Brenna.” The words weren’t snappy or angry. He was just telling me, giving me the facts. “I’ve done it so many times and it meant nothing. It’s hard to have all of your experiences with something be kind of crap. I mean, it makes me nervous.”
“Oh,” I said dumbly. We had had versions of this conversation before, but we had never been about to actually have sex when we talked about it. “Alright. I get that. But you shouldn’t be nervous. It will be different because it will be you and me. That’s all that matters, right?”
“I think so. I mean, that makes sense. I just want it to be really special for you.” He added, “And me.”
I realized that the whole experience was probably coming with a lot of pressure for Jake; more than I had really understood.
I went back to my previous mantra of comforting insistence. “We don’t have to. If you’re not ready, I’m not ready. No big deal.”
There was a long pause that was full of things he wanted to say but wasn’t saying. I could feel the nervous tension, like a motor running too fast, just on the verge of blowing. All I had to do was be patient and wait. Before I knew it, he was talking, saying all the things I knew he really didn’t want to say. “This winter,” he said, his words stilted, “when I did it with Nikki, I was so pissed at you–”
