Текст книги "Love Unspoken "

Автор книги: Lisa DeJong

сообщить о нарушении

Текущая страница: 6 (всего у книги 16 страниц)

There’s so much I want to say, but this isn’t the time or the place. “I need to go,” I say quietly. “Pierce is probably looking for me.”

He doesn’t say a word as I open the door and walk out of it. I’m in such a rush to get back to the conference room before Blake catches up to me that I almost don’t see Pierce leaning against the wall outside the bathroom. Paralyzed by the look on his face, I can only watch as he slowly walks toward me. Without a word, he grabs my hand and pulls me with him.

We pass the conference room.

We pass the receptionist, only stopping to push the button on the elevator.

My eyes follow the lines that separate the travertine tile, anything to keep them away from his. The tension between us is so thick; as much as I want to get out of here, I’m not necessarily looking forward to being alone with him. There so much we need to talk about.

He uses his grip on my hand to pull me into the elevator behind him. My shoulder brushes his, and I smell his faint cologne.

I’d give anything for him to push me up against the elevator wall and explore every inch of my body until he was all I thought about … until pleasure trumped my sadness and frustration.

But that’s not what’s going to happen … not this time. The elevator door opens, and I’m pulled out of the building and tucked into our waiting car.

I feel him slide in beside me as I stare out the window, holding my eyes open to dry up any remaining sign of tears.

“What happened in there?” he finally asks when the car pulls away from the curb.

“He followed me in. I guess he thought we had some unfinished business that needed to be tended to,” I answer without looking in his direction.

“Look at me.”

I hesitate for a second then realize no reasonable amount of time is going to wash away my puffy eyes and the grimace that comes with it.

His eyebrows draw together as he looks at me. He takes a deep breath and runs his knuckles up and down my bare arm. “Did he hurt you?”

I shake my head vehemently. “No, he would never hurt me—or anyone—not like that.”

“What unfinished business did he feel you had to take care of in the women’s bathroom?”

Everything, I think to myself. “He wants to work on the project together, and he didn’t want anything from the past to affect that.”

His fingers move up, caressing my cheek. “I don’t like the thought of you alone with him.”

“I can handle him.”

He wraps his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his body. “We can quit the project. I don’t need it.”

“No, I’ve worked hard on it, and I want to do it.”

“Then, I’ll just make sure I’m with you.”

“But you hate him.”

“I guess I love you more than I hate him.”

“I love you, too,” I say, some of the fog finally lifting. My love for Pierce is the only thing keeping me from making what would be the second worst decision in my life. The first was letting myself fall for Blake in the first place.

I FIDGET WITH MY PURSE straps as Pierce pulls in front of my apartment building. Between the meeting and the flight home and all the drama in between, I’d rather not have company tonight.

“I’ll walk you up,” he says, unbuckling my seatbelt.

I smile, thinking of all the things this man does right. “Where did you learn to be such a gentleman?”

“I guess you could say my mother taught me well. Although, I don’t think I was such a gentleman on the flight home. The stars heard you screaming my name.”

He carries my bag on the way up to my apartment and waits patiently as I fiddle with the lock. With any luck, I’ll be able to throw come pajamas on and curl up under my covers with my own thoughts within the next few minutes.

“So I guess I’ll see you at the office tomorrow?” I ask, slipping my heels off.

He grips my hips. “Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?”

“Not tonight,” I reply, wrapping my arms around his neck. “I need some time to clear my mind, and I’m sure your bed is much more comfortable than mine.”

“Do you want to find out tomorrow? I’ll cook you dinner.”

“Are you sure you’re real?”

“The way my heart is beating right now, I’d say I am.”

It’s not easy to let him go, but we’ve spent almost every minute together the last few days and I need to catch my breath.

“Night, Pierce.”

“Night. Call me if you need anything or if you just want to talk or if you want me to come over.” He smirks.

I return his smile, standing on my toes to kiss his lips one last time before he disappears down the hallway.

Sleep comes easier than I thought it would. I guess that’s what happens when you ride the emotional roller coaster for three straight days.

The smell of bacon hits me before my eyes open to the morning sun showing through my curtains. Mallory hates bacon, and she’s still in Europe supposedly.

Curious, I crawl out of bed and make my way to the kitchen. The scene reminds me of a morning six months ago except this time, a shirtless Blake reminds me of lemon drops and paint and heartbreak.

He turns toward me, and he’s not like the man who I met months ago. There’s no cocky smile or hungry stare, just a man biting the inside of his cheek studying me, wondering if I’m going to run or stay. I wonder the same thing.

“How did you get in?” I ask, breaking the spell.

He pulls a set of keys from his jeans pocket, dangling them in the air. “I’m moving back into town and need a place to stay for a couple days until I get one of my own.”

“What’s wrong with your studio?”

“It’s fine for sleeping, but it doesn’t have fun stuff like a refrigerator or stove. I’m partial to food.”

I expect him to turn around, but he stares instead, his eyes slowly traveling the length of my body. “I like your new pajamas. They’re very telling.”

When I got home last night, I was so tired, I’d just thrown on a long white t-shirt. I didn’t realize the material was so thin. Crossing my arms over my chest, I step back into the doorway of my room. “I think you should leave.”

He turns his attention back to the stove. “You could at least let me eat first.”

“I’m going to get ready for work, and I want you out of here by the time I’m done. This isn’t going to work for me.”

“We’ll see,” is all he says before I lock myself in the bathroom and turn the shower on as hot as my skin can bare. I go through the motions slower than usual, giving him time to disappear from my apartment.

It’s quiet when I step back into my bedroom, and as I open the door, I can see why. Blake sits at the table with a plate full of eggs, bacon and toast reading a page in the newspaper. “I thought I told you to leave.”

“You should know by now that I’m not good at following directions,” he replies without looking up.

“Fine then. Forget looking for an apartment. I’d rather you stay here and make my life hell.” I throw a few things in my bag before heading to the kitchen to find something to eat on the way to work. The pans he used for breakfast are wiped clean. “If you’re going to come into my apartment to make yourself breakfast, you could at least make enough for both of us.”

“Lila.”

“What?” I shout, realizing he used the last of the milk.

“Come here. I want to show you something.”

I do as he asks not out of obedience but because I’m ready to unload on him. “You’re such an asshole, Blake! Why don’t you go into somebody else’s apartment and eat all their damn food.” I’m about to unleash more fury on him when I spot the second plate sitting across from him. “Is that for me?” I ask, timidly.

“Yeah. I probably would have told you a while ago, but you were too busy making assumptions.”

I feel like a hypocrite sitting across from him, but my stomach aches from skipping dinner last night. “I guess I should say thank you.”

“That would be nice.”

“What are you doing back in Chicago anyway?”

He looks up, holding my eyes for a few seconds before answering. “We have a project to work on. I thought it would be easier if I were here, especially since we have a babysitter now.”

“What are you talking about?” I ask, between bites of delicious buttery scrambled eggs.

“Oh, your boyfriend didn’t tell you? He threatened to pull funding for the project if I stayed on. Wade talked him into letting me complete my contract, but we’re not allowed to meet unless Pierce is present. Sounds like you’ve got yourself a relationship built on trust.” He sips his milk, waiting for me to react. Inside I’m boiling, but I’m not going to let him see that. It’s exactly what he wants.

“Why do you hate Pierce so much?” I ask. While I don’t agree with how Pierce feels about Blake, I don’t get Blake’s hatred. It’s puzzled me for months.

“He’s never liked me. Even when Alyssa was still here, he hated me. He thought she could do so much better. I think when she died it validated everything he’d already assumed.” I still hear the sadness in his voice when he talks about her. It lessens my anger. It reminds me that for weeks after he left, I was ready to forgive him for leaving if he would just give me the chance.

“Where have you been all this time?”

“Trying to forgive myself.”

“And?” I ask.

He sets his fork down on his empty plate, leaning back in his chair. “I don’t know if it matters because she’s not my only regret. I have a lifetime of mistakes to work through.”

I stand from the table. “I have to get to work.”

He steps behind me as I rinse my plate in the sink, caging me in with his arms. “Tell me I still have a chance with you. That’s all I want … a chance.”

“Do you want me to lie to you?”

He comes even closer, his body aligned with mine. “I see it in your eyes. I’ve always been able to read your eyes.”

“Sometimes hurt is too much. You left a scar, Blake. There’s no getting over that.”

“I can’t make you forget, but I can fix it. That’s the difference, Lila. Some of my mistakes can’t be fixed, but if you’d let me, you wouldn’t regret it.” His warm breath tickles my neck. If he kissed me there, I don’t know that I could stop him.

Then I think of Pierce, and I can’t do this to him. There’s something real there I can’t ignore, and even if I could, I’m not the type of girl who holds two men on a string at once.

“He told me he loves me,” I whisper, feeling his body stiffen against mine. “And, I told him I love him, too. I love him, Blake.”

He steps back, giving me space to breathe. I walk away without looking back. The thing is, I love Blake too—enough that I can’t chance seeing the pain on his face. I grab my keys and bag and make a hasty retreat out the door.

I don’t know how much more of this I can handle.

I SKIP MY USUAL MORNING office routine, electing to visit Reece before finding my own desk. “Hey,” she says, standing to hug me. “How was your trip?”

I throw my bag on one chair and slide down into the other. “A mess,” I say simply.

“Oh, no! What happened? Did they not like your designs?”

Shaking my head, I say, “No, that part went better than expected, but guess who else signed onto the project?”

She stares at me blankly.

“Blake,” I answer for her, rubbing my fingertips against my temples.

“I thought he’d disappeared. I mean, I didn’t think anyone knew where he was.”

“I guess Wade is better at hide and seek than the rest of us. Damnit, Reece. Every time I think I have my life together, something or someone has to come in and mess with it. Sometimes I feel like I’m a player in the game of chess, but someone else is moving the pieces.”

She moves my purse, taking the chair next to me. “But you’ve been pining over him for months. Aren’t you at least happy that he’s okay?”

“Of course, I’m happy that he’s back with the living, but he’s everywhere I go. He was even in my apartment this morning making breakfast.”

Her eyes narrow on me. “Let me get this straight; a guy who you’ve been missing finally came back into your life and he won’t leave you alone and this is making you angry because…”

I throw my hands up in the air. “Because I’m falling in love with someone else. He’s too late.”

Her mouth falls open. “Who? Who are you falling in love with?”

“Pierce,” I whisper, careful not to let anyone in surrounding offices hear.

“Shut up!”

I shake my head. “He’s been there for me, and somewhere along the way, things changed. I trust him more than I’ve ever trusted anyone. After everything I’ve been through the last year, that means the world to me.”

“How does Pierce feel?”

“He told me he loves me. He made love to me. I don’t question his motivations or intentions. He’s real, and that’s exactly what I needed. I’m done being with guys who make me question where I stand every other day.”

“He’s the right choice for you. It may be hard to see now, but he’s the forever type guy. Blake isn’t that guy for you. This project will end, and he’ll leave.” She pauses. “I think we both know that.”

I nod. She couldn’t be more right. “Thank you for listening to me whine. I think you need some man drama so we can be even.”

“I don’t foresee ever having this much drama, but if I do, you’ll be the first one to know.”

“I’m pathetic.”

She laughs. “I think you’re kind of lucky. I can’t find a man and you have two who would give an arm to be with you.”

“Well, I’m about to go rip the arm off of one because he thinks I need a babysitter.”

“I’m going to stay out of that one,” she says, going to sit back at her desk.

I finally make it to my desk twenty minutes after I’m supposed to be there. It’s no surprise that Pierce is standing there with his arms folded over his chest. His brows burrow at the sight of me. “I was starting to worry about you.”

“I was catching up with Reece.”

“I tried calling you. A few times actually.”

After throwing my purse on my desk, I look back up, my hands firmly planted on my hips. “Look, I’m sorry I’m late. I had a surprise visitor this morning, and he threw my whole routine off.”

“Who?” he asks, stepping closer.

My chest rises and falls. This is going to go over like a nun having sex in the cathedral. “Blake.”

He runs his thick fingers through his hair. It looks like he’s done that a few times already this morning. “I’m going to my office. I want to see you there within the next five minutes.”

Before I can reply, he disappears around the corner. There’s nowhere to hide. Once Pierce Stanley has something stuck in his head, there’s nothing I can do about it. I take my time, filling up my coffee cup before slowly making my way down the narrow hall that leads to his suite. The door is open just enough for me to see him standing with his back to me, staring out the floor to ceiling window.

I quietly slip inside, closing the door behind me.

“I was starting to think you weren’t coming.”

Looking down at my watch, I say, “Five minutes on the dot. Doesn’t seem like you had anything to worry about.”

He turns, eyes narrowed in on me. If he thinks he’s the only one who has something to be pissed about, he’s about to learn a hard lesson. “Why was Blake in your apartment this morning?”

“It’s a funny story, but I shouldn’t really have to tell it to you. You wrote a part in it.”

He takes two steps toward me. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“He wouldn’t be in Chicago if it weren’t for you and your demand to babysit us while we work on the project,” I reply, holding my ground.

“You would do the same thing if you were me,” he seethes, hands forming into fists at his sides.

“No, I wouldn’t, Pierce,” I say, lifting a finger to emphasize my stance. “I trust you.”

His expression softens just a bit. “Why was he in your apartment? I don’t like that. I don’t like that at all.”

“It’s Mallory’s apartment. I guess he needs a place to stay for a couple days until he finds a place of his own.”

“Jesus.”

“I asked him to be out by the time I get home.” I pause, a hurtful pain still searing inside my chest. Not only has the shield cracked, it’s disappeared. “Why don’t you trust me? You know me, Pierce. You know what he did to me. Besides, was everything we did in New York meaningless?”

He closes the remaining distance between us while I speak. His jaw ticks, but his eyes don’t hold the same anger they held earlier. “You said you trust me, but how would you feel if I suddenly had an ex-girlfriend working with me. Better yet, how would you feel if she was alone with me in my apartment?”

His words draw a red line through my whole argument. If Pierce had an ex hanging around, it wouldn’t be him I’d be worried about as much as her. If she were anything like Blake, I’d be a mess—a complete, scrambled, twisted mess. “Point taken, but I still don’t think a babysitter is necessary. I can handle him.”

“Like hell you can. He’s your Achilles heal.” He stops suddenly, eyes dancing between mine as he grips my elbows to keep me close. “I know without a doubt that if he’d never left you, I wouldn’t have a chance. I live with that every time I look at you, but I love you enough to try and forget it.” He closes his eyes tightly. “It’s not easy when I know your heart is constantly reminded when you see him and don’t tell me it’s not.”

“What was she like?”

“Who?”

“Alyssa … was she anything like me?”

He swallows, briefly looking over my head before his eyes meet mine again. “In some ways. She always pretended to be happy, but you have more visible ups and downs. I always wondered what she was thinking, but I don’t wonder when I’m with you. The words are written all over your face.”

“If that’s the case, what am I thinking right now?”

Our emotions run parallel. We’re not at the same point at the same exact time.

I need us to intersect. I need to understand what he’s feeling … I need him to understand what I’m feeling.

His fingertip traces a line on my forehead, pushing a loose hair away from my eyes. “You’re scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“Scared of making a decision you’ll regret for the rest of your life. I don’t want you to make the wrong choice.”

“I’ve already made my choice.”

He shakes his head. “No you haven’t. You still think about him—more than I’m comfortable with. I think we should cancel our date for tonight so you can decide what you really want to do. I can’t get any deeper in this until you’re sure.”

“Does being done with him mean I’m done with the project, too?”

“No,” he says. “But you have to agree to my terms. He already ruined one woman I loved; I can’t let him do it again.”

My anger boils up again. “Since you brought it up, and I’ve been waiting a long time to hear this. How did he ruin her? He obviously believes it himself, or he wouldn’t be in the position he’s in.”

“He didn’t protect her.”

“And you did?” I ask, feeling his grip on me loosen.

His arms fall to his sides. He stares like a stone statue—empty and emotionless. “Get out of my office.”

I lift my hands, but he backs away. “Maybe if you knew how to forgive, you could both move forward. It should never have gotten to this.”

“Leave.”

Without a moment’s hesitation, I do. The rest of the day I spend every single second thinking about Pierce and every single minute trying to avoid him.

THE APARTMENT IS NOT HOW it was supposed to be when I got home. The light in Mallory’s room shines underneath the door; it’s not a scene I’m unfamiliar with.

I knock on the door.

“Come in!” he yells over the faint music.

Without hesitation, I step inside. I gasp as my eyes catch the single piece sitting on an easel in the corner. It’s serene with a certain beauty I’m not used to in his work.

“What is this?” I ask. “It’s beautiful.”

I pull my eyes away from the canvas and look into his swollen, red eyes. He’s staring back at me, but he might as well be hundreds of feet away. An ache begins in my throat; after everything he’s put me through, my heart is still tied to his. His sadness is mine. I feel every ounce of his pain.

And he feels it. His eyes well up with tears. He knows my heart hasn’t completely detached. As much as I don’t want it to, it’s always going to be hanging by an unbreakable string.

The only sound in the room is “Litost” by X Ambassadors. The melody only intensifies the hurt. I listen to the words—actually listen—realizing it could be our anthem. Our love is like a hole, and I don’t know if I will ever fully recover … ever climb out.

The art, though, the art isn’t about me. It’s too beautiful, too peaceful, too innocent. It reminds me of when I was a little girl, when the whole world was perfect through my eyes. It’s the opposite of anything I’ve ever seen Blake paint.

I see a tear spill down his cheek when I glance back over at him. I can’t take it—watching his pain—so I do what my heart tells me. Closing the gap between us, I wrap my arms tightly around him. He nestles his head in the crook of my neck, soaking my shirt with his sorrow. “Today was supposed to be her birthday,” he finally chokes, whimpering. “I just wish I could hold her.”

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, running my fingertips along his spine as my own tears fall. “It’s not your fault, Blake. You need to forgive yourself. She wouldn’t want you to hold this on your shoulders.”

“I would have done anything for her. I thought I’d done everything.”

“I know.”

We cling to each other like it’s somehow necessary for our survival. It may just be for his. After what could have been seconds, minutes, hours, I step back, holding his face in my hands. “You need to talk to someone. Do it for yourself. Do it for your future.”

“I have been,” he whispers, looking me straight in the eye. “This is the part I don’t like—I have to feel worse before I can feel better.”

I close my eyes, praying I’ll never regret the words that slip from my lips next. “I’m here for you. We’ll never be what we were, but I want to be here for you.”

He lowers his eyes and nods. “Can I have one thing?”

“What’s that?” I ask, biting down on my lower lip.

“Kiss me.”

“What?”

“Kiss me. I want to remember the taste of your lips. I want to—”

I shake my head. “I can’t. I—”

“Please,” he whispers, brushing his thumb along my lower lip. “Just kiss me.”

One more look at him and my resolve falls like the Berlin Wall. Wrapping my arms tightly around his neck, I press my lips to his. Neither of us pushes it further. It’s a transfer of emotion—maybe forgiveness, or goodbye. Maybe it’s comfort. Whatever it is, I’m selfish; I wanted this just as much as he did, but not for a second did I think about the ramifications it would have with him … or Pierce. To love one man complicates the heart, but two … there are no words for that.

Pierce. My chest tightens. Even after everything that happened earlier, I can’t do this to him. It’s innocent enough, but he wouldn’t see it that way.

I break away, moving back a few steps. “I can’t do this,” I cry.

“I’m sorry,” he says, staring up at the stark white ceiling.

“Don’t be,” I whisper, shaking my head. “In some way, we both needed that.”

He’s about to say something else when there’s a knock at the door. I start toward it; Blake is in no shape to deal with company.

Pierce stands on the other end of the peephole, staring down at the ground. The thought of not answering crosses my mind, but I’ve already done him wrong a time or two today.

“Hey,” I say, opening the door to him with a forced smile on my face. I didn’t expect to see him this weekend after how we left things earlier.

He holds up a bouquet of flowers. “I think I owe you an apology.”

I take them from his hands, bringing the fragrant red roses to my nose. “For what?”

“For blaming you for my problems—for his problems. I know you would never do anything to break my trust, and I need to stop treating you otherwise.”

There’s a pain in the back of my throat. In a way, I just proved him wrong, but I did it with the best intentions. “Pierce, he’s here. He’s staying in Mallory’s room for a couple of days.”

He looks over my shoulder, but the door is closed. Light still shines under it, and I wonder what he’s doing in there. Is he painting? Is he standing where I left him, staring at a blank wall? “Stay with me for the weekend. I can’t stand you being here alone with him.”

That’s when the real struggle begins. The one between doing what I should and doing what I want. I should stay here—make sure that Blake is okay, but I want to disappear with Pierce.

“Can you wait outside?” I ask, looking over my shoulder.

He groans, eyes burning a hole through Mallory’s closed door.

“I don’t want any drama tonight. Please … just wait downstairs. I’ll pack a bag and be right out.”

He hesitates. I know this isn’t easy for him, and it’s not a picnic for me either. He nods. “Okay. I’ll give you five minutes, but then I’m coming back up.”

“Nice compromise, Stanley.”

He smiles. “I’m working on it.”

As soon as he’s gone, I throw a few things in a bag and slip on a pair of shoes. I’m about to leave when I hear a crash in Mallory’s bedroom.

I open the door to find Blake curled in a ball on the center of the bed. I want to run to him—hold him—but I need to draw the line.

“I’m leaving for the weekend,” I announce from the doorway.

“He deserves you.”

“What do you mean?”

“As much as I hate him, he’s a good guy. He’ll protect you in ways I’ll never be able to.”

Before I close the door, I say, “I am still here for you if you need anything.”

As the door closes, I swear I hear him say “All I need is you” but I block it out, convincing myself that it was just my imagination playing tricks.

Pierce is leaning against a gray sports car when I step outside. He grins, and I can’t help but return it. When we are close enough to touch, he wraps his arms tightly around me, forcing me to drop my bag. He pulls me into a kiss making my whole body melt into him. He teases—licking then tugging, pulling me even closer. My arms curl around his neck as he leans me back to blaze a trail of kisses along my throat.

“We should go,” I pant, the warmth between my legs almost unbearable.

He reaches back, opening the passenger door for me without breaking the mood. He turns us around, slowly letting me go so I can sink into the seat.

His small car moves quickly down the barren streets, his hand resting on my upper thigh through every turn. I want so badly for him to curl his fingers between my legs, to make everything better.

The car whizzes into a packed parking garage, winding up to the third floor before pulling into a spot next to the elevator. “We’re home,” he announces, opening his door. Mine is open before I even get a chance to find the knob. He grabs my hand in his while holding my bag in the other.

The elevator closes, and he pulls me in for a kiss.

Then another when we exit in the hallway outside his door.

And again after placing his key in the lock.

As soon as we’re safely inside, my back is against the wall, my legs wrapped around his waist as his lips caress from my collarbone to the exposed skin above my breasts.

“Pierce, please,” I beg, kissing no longer enough to satisfy my desires.

“Tell me exactly what you want. I need to hear you say it.” He pins my arms above my head, taking away all my control.

“I need you, Pierce. I need to know that everything is okay. I need to know we’re okay.”

He moves both my wrists to one hand, using the other to push my skirt up to my waist. I hear his zipper then seconds later, he’s inside me, filling me until it hurts.

His lips capture mine, and I give him everything—my heart, my mind, my soul. When we’re like this, he’s all I think about … he’s all I want.

He thrusts.

I whimper.

He swallows my screams. He finally releases my arms, and I hold on to him for dear life as I clench around him. “Oh God, Pierce. That feels so good.” My body trembles as I come down from the high.

Holding me tightly, he whispers, “I love you.” Over and over again.

“I love you, too,” I say when I catch my breath.

He carries me through the dark apartment, down a narrow hall that leads to a massive bedroom with windows overlooking the city. It’s the kind of view I always had in my city dreams.

Lowering me to my feet, he carefully undresses me, letting my clothes fall onto the plush rug in front of his bed. The city lights are the only things illuminating the room, but I still see the way he looks at me. It’s the way I’ve always wanted a man to look at me; something in his eyes tells me he would give up everything to stay with me, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted.

He makes love to me—slow and tender—and it’s not until after, when I’m wrapped in his arms that I wonder if he tasted him on me.

And, it’s only then that I think about him again. My life is a merry-go-round; I’m not sure which direction I’ll be looking when it finally stops.

As I drift off, the spinning slows, and all I see is that painting.