Текст книги "The Story of Me "
Автор книги: Lesley Jones
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Текущая страница: 20 (всего у книги 28 страниц)
He gently brushes his knuckles over my cheek as I look up at him. “Stop, Kitten. Stop overthinking and stop panicking. I can feel how hard your heart’s pounding. I know what you’re thinking and you need to stop.” I open my mouth but no words come out.
I’ve experienced so many anxiety attacks this past year and I know that I am right at the beginning of one now. For me they start with a feeling of being too hot. Then my heart rate increases and I can’t speak or catch my breath. Then I get this strange sensation that starts in my toes and travels up my body. It’s sort of like a combination of pins and needles and ice travelling through my veins and that sensation is already starting in my toes now.
“Kitten, I know this is hard, moving on, moving forward. It’s always hard, but we’ve got this. I’ll be right there with you, every step, Kitten, every step of the way.”
A strange noise escapes my chest. It’s sort of a combination of a gasp and a sob and Cam pulls me into him, kissing my head and my hair, stroking my back and my arms.
“Fuck, Kitten, I hate that you’re hurting like this. If I could bring them back for you, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’d gladly take their place so you didn’t have to feel like this.”
I let out a sob and cling to him. I don’t deserve this man. He’s just told me he would die to make me happy. How do I respond to that? I breathe into his chest, and when the feeling disappears from my toes, my breathing has calmed and my ability to speak has returned. I whisper hoarsely, “I’m so lucky, Cam. I’m so lucky to have you. I don’t deserve you, but I’m so grateful and so lucky to have you in my life.”
“Kitten,” he breathes my name with his lips pressed against my head and his hot breath makes my scalp prickle, “don’t say that. Of course you deserve me. We deserve each other.” He lets out a long sigh. “We’ve got here, Kitten. We’ve arrived here, at this point, because of a lot of fucked-up circumstances.” He tilts my face up and leans back so he can look at me better. “It’s not our fault. We didn’t choose to live or for them to die. It’s just the way it’s happened, and I know it hurts and I know it’s hard, but we’ve got each other.” He brushes my tears from my cheek with his thumb. “I’ve had fifteen years to work my way through the grief and the guilt, but this is all still so new and so fresh for you, but I promise, I promise you, it does eventually become more bearable. And on the days when it’s not, and you will have them. However far down the path you are, there are still days where it all comes crashing down and feels like it’s all too much. On those days and every other day, Kitten, I’ll be there for you. Whether you need my shoulder to cry on, my arms around you or you just want me to fuck off and leave you alone, I’ll be there, with you and for you.”
My face is a mess of tears and snot bubbles. I wipe it on my sleeve as best I can and then lean in and kiss him. I kiss him with everything I am and with everything I have.
“I fucking love the fuck out of you, Tiger.” I expect a reprimand, but instead, he just wraps his arms around me tighter and holds me for a while. My breathing and my heart rate settle, all traces of my impending anxiety attack gone.
“My mum has invited you to dinner tonight.” He moves us both in the chair so we can look at each other.
“Me?” he asks with a frown.
“Yeah, you. Why? Is that a problem?” He shrugs slightly.
“What about you? Where will you be?” I can’t help but laugh out loud. He’s worried. My big, bad Tiger thinks I’m sending him to my parents, alone, for dinner.
“I’ll be there too, you div. I promised my mum I would go home today. I’ve not seen her for two months, and as soon as I got home, you turned up and whisked me away. I need to go home and get out of these clothes and I need to unpack my case.” He looks at me while rubbing his fingers up and down my arm and rocking the chair back and forth slightly.
“Move in here.”
“What?”
“Move in here. Until we can find somewhere we want to buy together, move in here. It’s safe and secure. The press will leave you alone and I get to see you every day.” It all makes sense when he says it. It sounds like the most logical thing to do, but in my head, in my head all I can see is that old tumble drier full of socks of my mum’s going around, every sock representing a different thought, feeling and emotion rolling around in my head, chest and belly. “Let’s not waste any more time, Kitten. Let’s just be together.” I smile up at him. He looks tired, his eyes glassy. They remind me of the colour of a beer bottle today; it must be the brightness of the room.
“When did you get so clever?”
He gives me a smile and a shrug. “I’ve always been this clever. You’ve just never paid enough attention.”
I smile back. “You’re probably right.” We look over each other’s faces silently for a few moments.
“Pack a case when we go to your mum’s later and we’ll go and fetch the rest of your stuff tomorrow.”
“I haven’t said yes yet.”
He gives a small shrug. “But you will.”
We spend the rest of the afternoon looking at houses online, Cam ringing the agents and making appointments to view five, two on Thursday and three on Friday, all of them within a half hour drive of my parents’ and each of my brothers’ homes. Now I just have to tell my family my plans, which should be interesting.
Chapter Twenty-Three
We head over to my parents’ home at about five. Benny greets us as we climb into the back of a black Range Rover with blacked out windows. I’m not sure who’s in the driver’s seat, but I say hello as we climb in.
It’s freezing outside and there’s just one lonely photographer standing on the path outside Cam’s apartment block as we pull away. I actually wish the windows weren’t so heavily tinted so I could flip him my middle finger.
“Who’s car’s this?” I ask Cam as we pull off into the city traffic. He puts his arm across the back of the seat, pulls me in and kisses the top of my head.
“It’s yours.” What?
“Mine? I don’t have one of these.” I sold every car that Sean and I owned, except Hilda. I would never sell her.
“You do now, Kitten. I bought it for you.”
“Why? I don’t need you to be buying me a car.” He lets out a long sigh. It makes my hair move, which gives me goose bumps and makes my nipples hard in an instant.
Sean and I had chemistry; ours was borne more from knowing each other so well. We loved each other and sex was one of the ways in which we expressed our love. We had times when things got a little routine, but it was never boring. We liked to mix things up in the bedroom. We travelled a lot and were pretty adventurous when it came to finding new places to have sex: planes, boats, cars, backstage offices, but what I have with Cam is something else altogether. Whatever we do, however many times we fuck, I want more, all the time. I just want more.
“I know you don’t need me to, but I wanted to. I spoke to Bailey and he said you only had that shitty old banger you used to drive. Seriously, Kitten, I can’t believe you’ve still got that piece-of-crap car.” I want to smack him right in the mouth for that comment. In a split second, I’ve gone from wanting to fuck his brains out to wanting to punch his face in.
“My husband bought me that car,” I say quietly. His head swings around to face me, his mouth hanging open.
“Oh, shit, Kitten. I’m so sorry. Honestly, I had no idea.” He reaches across and takes my hand. I deliberately leave it limp, resting in his.
“Kitten?” he says quietly, “Please, I didn’t know. I just… shit.” He’s quiet for a few seconds, obviously thinking about what he’s going to say next, just in case he puts his huge size twelves in it again. “I just want you safe, Kitten. If you’re gonna be driving about, I want you in a car with a driver who’s gonna be able to keep you safe from the paps and any other arsehole who wants to make a nuisance of themselves.” Now I feel bad. “I didn’t know your husband particularly well, but I’m absofuckinlutely positive, he wouldn’t have wanted you running the gauntlet of all those photographers every day in your old car, and anyway, Scotty here would never fit behind the steering wheel.” My belly does a little backflip at the sound of Cam talking about Sean. He does it so casually, like it’s not an issue for him. So why am I struggling with it?
I look towards the driver’s seat and can see that Scotty fills the whole area, his head skimming the roof interior and his shoulders are much wider than the seat.
“Why does it matter whether Scotty fits in Hilda? I have a licence. I’m quite capable of driving myself.”
“Did Sean let you drive yourself around?” Again, my stomach lurches at the sound of Cam mentioning Sean.
“Yeah, I drove myself if Sean wasn’t with me. Milo was usually with us when Sean was around.”
Cam lets out a huff. “And Dave was with you when Sean and Milo weren’t, Kitten. Don’t lie to me. I know most of the security team who worked for the band. They all worked for me and your dad at some stage.” I don’t know why I’m arguing with him about this. I won’t win. “I don’t know why you’re wasting your breath arguing with me about this, Kitten. You won’t win.” And I hate that he knows it. “This is your car and Scotty is your driver and close protection when I’m not around. Your brothers and your dad are on board with this and your mum actually insisted on it.”
I look up at him. “You’ve spoken to my mum?”
He shakes his head. “I spoke to Bailey. Your mum told him she’s worried the paps will cause an accident. She’s understandably a little paranoid; they all must be. I am. We all just want you safe.” I undo my seatbelt, climb into his lap, wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him.
“Thank you, I’m sorry for being a bitch.”
He gives a little headshake. “It’s all right. I’m getting used to it.”
My mouth drops open. “You can be such a wanker sometimes, King.”
He winks. “Yeah, but ya love me anyway. Now get your seatbelt on.” He lifts me off his lap, sits me back in my seat and buckles me back up like I’m a child. We drive the rest of the way to my mum’s mostly in silence. I think Cam’s a bit nervous and truthfully, so am I.
* * *
When we pull up at the gates, there’s not a photographer in sight. I give Scotty the magic number and we pull in. We get dropped off and Cam tells Benny he will call him when we’re ready to leave. I turn to look at Cam.
“Who says I’m going back to yours tonight?”
He looks down at me frowning. “Me. You’re staying at mine until we decide on something we wanna buy.”
“When was that decided?”
“We discussed it this afternoon, in the office.”
“Yeah, we discussed it. Nothing was decided, Cam. Stop making decisions for me. What I drive, where I live, who drives me. I’m a grown woman. I’m more than capable of making my own decisions.”
He stops walking towards the front door and stands with his hands on his hips.
“Why’d you fight me, Kitten? Every step of the way, you fight and argue with me.” I turn and face him, folding my arms across my chest as I do.
“Stop telling me what to do and I’ll stop fighting you.” He stares at me for a few seconds, biting down on the corner of his bottom lip.
“Kitten, I love the fuck out of ya. Please would you move in with me? Please accept the car and the driver as a gift from me to you and please let us look for a house we can buy together and turn into a home.” Wow. That would’ve taken a lot for him to do. Cam’s not rude or ill-mannered by any means, but he doesn’t often ask. He orders and he demands; that’s just his nature and I don’t suppose anyone often questions his demands, apart from me, but instead of ignoring what I want, he’s done the opposite. For me, he’s gone right against what comes naturally to him and he’s asked me to accept his gift and to move in with him.
“Yes, Tiger, to all of those things. I would love to.”
He rakes his hand through his hair and sighs, “Thank fuck for that. Now come here and kiss me.” God, why did that demand just turn me on so much? I seriously need to get a grip of my libido. I don’t remember being this horny in my life, ever.
* * *
I have no keys on me to get into my parents’ home, so we head around to the back doors. As we walk in, my mum is peeling potatoes at the sink and my dad is polishing a gun at the kitchen bench. My mum’s face lights up when she sees us and I feel a whole new kind of guilt for not being around these past few days, or months for that matter.
“Frank, hope that’s not out to shoot me with,” Cam says from behind me.
“If I was gonna shoot you with it, son, I’d clean it after, not before.” Oh, shit.
“Dad, can you put the gun away, please?”
I give my mum a cuddle as she says over my shoulder, “Yes, Francis, clear all this mess up and go and lock that bloody thing away. You know how much I hate them.” I step out of my mum’s arms and give my dad a cuddle.
“Jesus, Georgia, you’re skin and bone, girl. I thought they would’ve fattened you up in Aus.”
“Thanks, Dad. I actually ate well while I was there, but I was waiting tables for a bit and I surfed a lot.” I step out of my dad’s arms as he reaches past me and shakes Cam’s hand. This must be hard for my dad and I can only imagine the earful he would’ve copped from my mum today about being nice tonight.
“Pour us a glass of wine while I get these potatoes in the oven, Georgia, please, sweetheart,” she asks while I watch her carry the potatoes to the oven. My mum has a huge old-fashioned Aga range in her kitchen for cooking on and I notice the two trays of sizzling hot fat she has to put the potatoes on as she opens the door.
“Blimey, Mum, how many spuds have you got there? How many you cooking for?” She puts the ton of potatoes back in the oven and stands up, her face glowing from the heat.
“Phew, that’s hot. Where’s that wine, George?” I get the wine out of the fridge and pour us both a glass.
“You wanna beer or something else, Cam?” I hear my dad ask. He actually sounds civil.
“I’ll have a bourbon please if you’ve got one, Frank.” I watch as my dad puts his gun in its case, winks at Cam and says, “I sure have. Come with me.” I smile at Cam as he looks nervously at me before following my dad.
“If I don’t come back, just remember I love you,” he says quietly as he walks by. I smile. My big, hard alpha is a mess because of my old dad, but I know he’ll be safe. My dad will just be taking him to his office, where his gun case is. It’s also where he keeps all his special bourbons and whiskeys.
I turn back to my mum and pick up my wine glass,
“Cheers, Mum, it’s good to be home. I’ve missed you all so much.” She gives me another cuddle and we both sit on the bar stools up at the bench.
“Take no notice of your dad, Georgia. You are a bit skinny, but you look well. You look really well.”
I smile at her. “Thanks, Mum, I’m doing okay.” She watches me for a long moment. I don’t know if she’s waiting for me to say something or if she’s about to. I hear fat spit in the oven and it reminds me of my unanswered question from earlier. “Why so many spuds, Mum? Who else is coming?”
She frowns as she looks at me. “Just the usual, what’s that work out now? Eighteen, nineteen with Cam.”
“Everyone’s coming? You’ve invited everyone over for dinner?” She walks back over to the fridge and gets out the wine again, coming back to top up our glasses.
“Yeah, everyone’s coming. Didn’t I say that on the phone?”
“No, no you didn’t, but you should’ve said. I would’ve come earlier and given you a hand.” She stays standing around the other side of the bench and leans her hip into it.
“That’s all right. I like cooking for you all, you know that. I love having you all under the same roof. It’s been too long, George, too long since we were all here together, under happy circumstances.” I look over my beautiful mum’s face; this past year has aged her. God, it’d aged me and I spent most of it on another planet, so I can only imagine how horrible it’s been for her to be fully functioning and watching me go through what I did.
“Thanks, Mum, I can’t wait to see everyone. I’m gonna go and change out of these clothes before everyone gets here.”
My mum tilts her head as she looks me up and down. “Are they the same clothes you flew in?” I nod.
“Yeah, Cam’s housekeeper washed and dried them all for me, but I still wanna get out of them.”
I head up to my bedroom to have a quick shower, hair wash and to change into clean clothes. I hate leaving Cam for so long, but my hair was in serious need of a wash, and at the end of the day, he’s a big boy. I’m sure he can manage my dad for an hour on his own.
I look through my suitcase filled with all of my stuff from Australia. There’s nothing in there I’m going to be able to wear in England right now, so I pull out all of the gifts I’ve bought for my nieces and nephews and just leave the rest in there. I then pull out another suitcase and throw in all of my basics plus a few dresses and pairs of heels. I’m not going to be miles away so it’s not like I can’t come back for more if I need to.
I sit down on my bed for a minute and look at the photos on my bedside table. I have the one taken in the hospital of myself, Sean and Beau and another one of just Sean and me. It’s one of my favourite photos Sean and I ever had taken together. It was my birthday last year. I’m pregnant and I remember the moment like it was minutes ago. Sean and I were standing talking at the charity event the boys had played at. Sean had just come off stage, but Beau was still dancing to his daddy’s music, as he always did at the sound of Sean’s voice. Sean has his hand on my belly and he’s looking at me as I look down at his hand on my bump. He’s looking at me like he worships me. I’m looking at his hand and my belly like they are something magical. The photo was taken by one of the official photographers on the day and he must have made a fortune from it as it was in and on the covers of newspapers and magazines around the world. Because it was one of the last official photos taken of us together, it’s also been used over and over again since Sean’s death.
I pick the picture up and hold it against my chest, against my heart. I can’t get a grip on my feelings. One minute I’m so sure of everything, the next I’m wracked with guilt and sadness. I love Sean. I miss him and I know that I always will, but I also know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I love Cam and want to be with him. And I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel what I do for one, without feeling guilty about the other. Am I supposed to feel guilty, or should I just let it go? Is it okay to be happy with Cam but still love and miss Sean? Is there even a right and wrong to any of this?
I hear a slight noise behind me and turn to see Jimmie standing in the doorway and instantly let out the sob I was trying to hang on to.
“Oh, Georgia.” She comes around the bed, sits next to me and takes the photo, looking at it for a few moments, gently stroking her finger over Sean’s face and my bump. She takes my hand in hers. “Tell me what’s wrong, Georgia Rae?”
I let out one more sob before saying, “I’m in love, Jamie Louise.” She bursts into tears.
“Why’re you crying?” She wraps her arms around my neck and squeezes me tightly.
“Do you know how fucking happy that makes me, George? I can barely breathe.”
“Did you just wipe your nose on my shoulder?”
“Sorry, babe, yeah, but after what you’ve put me through this past year, you owe me that much at least.” I smile into her neck.
“Thanks for always being there for me, Jim. I’m sorry I’m such a shit, nut case, freaky weirdo, best friend, Auntie and sister-in-law.” She sniffs and laughs as she gets her breath.
“You’re the best shit, nut case, freaky weirdo, bestie, Auntie and sister-in-law I could wish for. I love ya so much, George. I’m so happy for ya.” We sit quietly for a few minutes.
“He wants me to move in with him.”
“Well, what’s the problem?” We break apart and I look at her, then gesture towards my suitcase.
“Tonight, now, he wants me to move in with him tonight. We’re looking at houses to buy on Thursday and Friday.”
“Fuck.”
“Yeah, fuck. What’ll my dad say? What about the boys? What’s Marley gonna say?” She frowns as she looks at me.
“D’ya wanna move in with him?”
I nod. “Yeah, I do.”
She shrugs slightly. “Then fuck ‘em, George. You’re thirty-two. You’ve had the life you had planned ripped out from under you once, so grab hold of this second chance and enjoy the ride. I’ve always thought you two were good together. I thought perhaps he would be the one too; well, he was the one for a while, you know, before?” She pauses and looks me over. “I’m not gonna go there, but I think that you and him had something really good before, and given the chance, I think you would’ve made a go of it. Things worked out different, but just look, here you are and I couldn’t be happier for you.” I wipe at another tear under my eye just as my bedroom door flies open.
“Oi, oi, you ol’ slags.” Ash walks in and throws herself down onto my bed. “What the fuck’s the matter with you two? Why you crying like a pair of princesses?”
Jimmie and I smile at each other before she says, “George’s in love with TDH.” Ash sits up on my bed.
“What like, properly in love, not just in lust, but really, properly in love?” I smile and nod my head. Her bottom lip trembles a few times before her face screws up and she lets out a sob. “Fuck, George, my heart could burst hearing that.” She throws herself back on the bed as she wipes at her eyes. “Fuck you, ya bitch. You made me full on ugly-cry then.”
Jimmie comes over and sits on the bed just as Ash sits back up and shrieks, “Oh, my God, G, does this mean babies?” My head instinctively turns towards Jimmie. I know she’s offered to be my surrogate, to carry my child for me, but I feel the panic rise up from my toes every time I think about it. What if she’s changed her mind? What if I have to go and find a stranger to carry my baby? What if they decide to keep it?
My mouth opens to speak, but no words come out and then Ash interrupts my thought trail, or lack of, “Fuck, Jim, you’re gonna have a bit of TDH inside you. For the first time ever, I’ll actually be jealous of a pregnant lady.” She throws herself back down on the bed as Jimmie and I just look at each other.
“Well, G, could he be the one?” she asks.
I nod my head slowly. “We’ve talked about it. He wants to be.”
A smile slowly spreads over her face; her brown eyes sparkle. She reaches out and laces her fingers with mine. “Just say the word, G. I can’t wait to make this happen.” I smile back.
“You still up for it? I know you said you would, but I mean, I would…”
“Georgia, we’re gonna do this. When the time’s right, we’re gonna do this.” I wrap my arms around the most beautiful person I know. Jimmie has been my voice of reason and my conscience for most of my life. If there is such a thing as soul mates, then I think Jimmie might actually be mine.
“Shit, I’m feeling left out. Just think, if it’s a boy, you’ll have a King dick inside you.” Ashley sits up as she speaks, Jim and I turn and look at her.
“Did she really just say that?” I ask.
“She did. She really did,” Jimmie replies.
“Fuck off, you two. I don’t like this. You two are gonna have this bond and I won’t be part of it. I want in.”
“What d’ya mean, you want in?”
“I wanna go. I wanna have a baby for you as well.”
“You said you didn’t. You said you didn’t want any more kids.”
“Well, I don’t plan on keeping the little fucker. Hit me up with some spunky eggs and I’ll incubate for you, but once it’s out, game over, princess; the responsibility will be all yours.” I’m stunned.
“You’d seriously do that for me. You’d carry my baby?”
“George, I wouldn’t fuck about with something like this. I’ve been thinking about it since we found out you had eggs.” She reaches out and takes my hand. “I’d decided right at the beginning really, if for any reason things didn’t work out with Jim, then I’d offer, but while you were away, I had a good ol’ think about it and decided that, if you’ve got enough eggs to go around, I want to do this for you, too. I did tell you I’d do it the other week on the phone.”
“I know, but I didn’t think you meant it.”
“Well, I did. I do.”
“Fuck, Ash,” I whisper.
“Yeah, I know,” she replies quietly.
“I wonder if it’s allowed. If the doctors would let me split my eggs between two surrogates?”
“What the fuck has it got to do with the doctors? They’re your eggs. Surely they get no say in what you do with them,” Ash asks.
“Oh, I think they’d have a moral obligation of some kind, but I can’t see that using two surrogates will be a problem,” Jimmie, my sensible friend, states.
“Have you spoken to Marley about this?” I ask her.
“I mentioned it to him, told him that I’d be willing to do it for you, but I think he thought I was all talk. I don’t think he thinks I’d actually do it.”
“But you’re sure?” I ask.
“One hundred fucking percent. I would never mention it if I wasn’t.”
“Is he okay with it though, with Cam? Will he…?” She knows what I’m thinking and trying to say.
“George, he’s your brother. He loves you to the point where I find it a bit creepy if the truth be told, but anyway, he just wants you to be happy, and if TDH is what makes you happy, then he’ll live with that.” I let out a long sigh as Jimmie shoulder-bumps me. I smile at her. “So,” she says.
“So,” Ash and I say together.
“Are we doing this?” Jimmie asks.
I’m sitting cross-legged on my bed, my two best friends on either side of me. I look at each of them.
“Fuck yeah, we’re doing this, and Ash, just so we’re clear, there’s nothing creepy between me and my brother.”
“Whatever,” she says. “Most my brother ever did for me is give me a discount on a gram of coke. If Marls didn’t have me and the kids, he’d die for you, George. I know he would.”
“It’s not just Marley, Ash. Len’s no different and I’m sure Bailey’s the same. She’s their little sister; they’ve been raised to always protect her.”
“You’re so lucky, George, and now you’ve got TDH, all dominant and alpha, looking out for ya. Fuck, girl, your Mildred must have teeth. How’d you manage to attract these gorgeous men?” I shake my head at her, just wait till I show her the photos of Roman but I’ll save them for another time.
We have a group cry and decide not to mention any of this to the rest of the family yet. Cam and I have enough to work through without throwing IVF into the mix, but the thought that we may actually have a baby together at some stage in the future causes the strangest bubbling sensation in my belly, and for the first time, in a very long time, I allow myself to hope.
* * *
Dinner is a noisy, chaotic affair as it always is when we’re all together. Once everyone has eaten, I dish out presents from Australia to all of the kids. The girls all get Havaiana flip flops and cuddly kangaroos and koalas, and the boys all get Billabong flip flops, baseball caps and T-shirts. The kids all insist on wearing their new clothes and then head off to the playroom while the adults remain sitting around the dinner table talking and enjoying after dinner drinks.
The boys and my dad have been polite to Cam and have engaged him in conversation. They all seem to have enjoyed more than their fair share of my dad’s best whiskey and bourbon, and Cam definitely seems a lot more relaxed than when we arrived. He sits with his arm around the back of my chair and strokes his fingertips over my shoulder, then up the side of my neck as I tell my family about learning to surf in Australia.
When the conversation falls quiet, Marley asks, “So what now, George? What’re your plans?” I lean back in my chair and look at Cam. I don’t know how he wants to play this. He’s very much like my dad with the old East End respect attitude and I don’t know if he wants to talk to my dad privately about me moving in with him or if he’s happy for me just to announce it. His eyes wander over my face and then he gives an ‘I’ve got this’ kind of wink and clears his throat.
“I was talking to your dad about this earlier,” he says, looking from Marley to Len and Bails. “I’ve asked Georgia to move in with me at my place in Docklands for now, but we’ve decided to look for a house together.” Marley slides down in his chair and folds his arms across his chest; he looks like a sulky teenager as he bites down on his bottom lip.
His eyes move to mine. “You’re moving in with him, already? You sure?” I nod my head slowly. The room is quiet; the only sounds are of the kids all playing in their room along the hallway.
“It’s not like we don’t know each other.” I shrug, look at Cam and then at each of my brothers. “I know I’ve spent the past year behaving like I should be sectioned.” I roll my eyes, realising what I’ve said. “Well, yeah, yeah, I know, I was sectioned, but you know what I mean.” I twist the corner of my napkin and look down at it for a few seconds, thinking that the twisted corner feels a little like my insides right now. As I let it go, it uncurls itself and I allow my belly to do the same. “Look, I’ve been a fucked-up mess for a year. Going to Australia was the best thing I could’ve done. I’ve had a chance to get my head straight and realise how selfish I’ve been with my behaviour.” I look around the table at all of my family. “I’ll never be able to thank you all enough for helping me through the worst experience of my life, while at the same time dealing with your own grief. I behaved selfishly and I’m sorry for that.” Cam pulls me closer and kisses the top of my head. “I love you all and I am one hundred percent sure that I’m in love with this man here. It’s not like Cam and I have just met. We’ve known each other years and it was by pure chance that we bumped into each other in Australia.” Bailey raises his eyebrows over that little untruth. My family know nothing about my accidental overdose and telephone call to Cam but I carry on regardless. “We’ve both been dealt a shit hand in life. We’re both old enough to recognise love when it smacks us in the face and we don’t see the point in hanging about.”
“You know the press are gonna have a field day with this, don’t ya?”
