Текст книги "Falling to Pieces"

Автор книги: Leddy Harper

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Текущая страница: 22 (всего у книги 25 страниц)

I arrived at the father-daughter dance early to help set up and get the school’s gym ready. My nerves were fried, my stomach twisted in knots, wondering if Bree would bring Ayla. One of the administrators had the list of students that had brought back a signed form, but I couldn’t find it in me to ask if her name was on that list. So I swallowed my anxiety and focused on setting up the gym.

Before I knew it, kids filtered in the doors, followed by their dads. The little girls wore frilly dresses, and most of the men accompanying them dressed in slacks and ties. Some of the girls even had flowers on their arms, which I assumed came from their fathers to help make the night special. All around me, I had signs of the things I could have, if only I went after it. Everywhere I turned, I had a reminder of what awaited me…as long as Bree brought Ayla.

The flow of arriving people slowed, only a few trickling in from time to time. My hopes began to diminish, fear setting in that Aubrey wouldn’t let me be the man I wanted to be. She wouldn’t allow me to be the father I’d hoped to be. But I had to keep up appearances, not letting it get me down in front of my students and peers.

In a crowd of people by the refreshments table, I felt a tug on my arm. I glanced down, thinking a child wanted something to drink, but to my surprise, I found Ayla standing there.

“Where’s your mommy?” I asked, kneeling down to her level, trying and failing at keeping the overwhelming smile from taking over.

“She walked me in and then left. She told me to come find you. Are you going to be my daddy for the night?”

My heart picked up its pace and drummed against my ribcage. “Ayla, sweetheart, I’ll be anything you want me to be.”

A huge smile stretched across her face, causing her upper lip to nearly disappear. It was Bree’s smile, and it filled me with happiness. She wore her blond hair pulled out of her face, and it only made her look even more like her mother. God, I wanted to hold her and never let her go.

“You look very pretty, Ayla. Is this a new dress?” I asked, fingering the material that hung below her knees. It’s the only thing I could do to keep myself from pulling her into my arms.

She nodded eagerly. “Yes. Nana bought it for me. She said every princess needs a new gown for the ball. Am I a princess, Mr. Taylor?”

“Of course you are, Ayla. Princess Ayla,” I said with a wink, fighting with all my strength to not say more. I wanted to call her my princess. And that’s when I remembered the fairy tale Bree told me on the night of her birthday so many years before. I wanted that to come true, but I didn’t know how.

Before we could say another word to each other, one of the administrators called for everyone’s attention. They were starting the hula-hoop dance. Ayla’s eyes lit up with excitement as she ran to the gathering crowd of kids. I watched her the entire time, fascinated with her. While waiting her turn, she engaged in conversation with some of her classmates, and other girls that were not in her class. It filled me with a sense of pride, observing her in her own element. And it made me think of Bree, of how she’d missed out on this in her youth. Seeing Ayla, looking so much like Bree in that moment, made me sad for the way Aubrey had to grow up. I’d always seen her as a lost and lonely seventeen-year-old. But that was only a snapshot of her life. I’d never fully imagined how things were for her when she was Ayla’s age. Nor had I really allowed myself to accept the person she’d grown into.

The girls took turns with the hoops, twirling it around their hips a few times before it’d fall to the floor, all while “Twist and Shout” played through the speakers. Once it was over, Ayla did something I hadn’t expected. She ran to me and jumped in my arms, holding on tightly. I held her to me, wanting that moment to last forever. But I had to let go, and when I did, her face came into view, the biggest smile I’d ever seen plastered to her face.

Regular music began to play and Ayla wanted to dance. I set her down and walked with her to the middle of the gym where the crowd had gathered. She glanced around at the other little girls, and without prompting her to do so, she held my hands and stepped on my toes.

“Have you done this before?” I asked with a grin. “You’re quite good at it.”

“No, not like this.”

“Well, you’re a very good dancer, Ayla. Maybe you should be a ballerina when you grow up. How does that sound?” Speaking to kids her age wasn’t strange for me. Even before teaching younger students, I had my niece that could carry on an entire conversation with a brick wall. So this was nothing new for me. What was new, was talking to my own daughter about her life.

“No. I don’t want that. I want to be the president.”

My eyes widened in surprise at her words. “Of the United States?”

“Yeah,” she said with an eager nod and bright smile. “I want to make rules and have my own airplane.”

I couldn’t hold back the laugh that bubbled inside my gut. “That’s rather ambitious of you. What kind of rules would you make?”

Her smile fell as she glanced around at the other little girls dancing with their fathers. “I’d make a rule that no one can take daddies away.”

“What do you mean?” My heart stilled in my chest and my movements slowed.

She looked up and met my eyes. “Mommy said I don’t have a daddy because people made him leave. She said they didn’t want her to marry him. But she has me, and I’m the most important part of him, and they can’t ever take me away. But sometimes, I wish I had my daddy. You know? Like the other kids.”

I reached down and picked her up so we were eye level. “Those people who made him leave were just following rules that are in place to protect little kids.”

“I know. That’s what Mommy says, too.”

“What else has your mother told you about your daddy?” My stomach twisted in anticipation of her answer.

With an impish scrunch of her nose and twinkle in her eyes, she said, “That he’s really really really handsome. And super smart. And she loves him forever.” Her words made my heart swell in my chest.

“Would you like it if he came back?”

Her eyes grew large, sparkling in the bright lights of the gym above us. “Yeah! Do you think he will? Do you think he’ll love me like he loves my mommy?”

“I know he already does, Ayla.”

She wrapped her tiny arms around my neck, squeezing me with all the strength she had in her. It warmed me, and solidified what I knew in my heart that I had to do. There were no more questions in my head, no more concerns that weighed me down. I had not one ounce of confusion or worry.

Bree and I had once upon a time dreamed of our future. We’d made plans of a family—a real life together. And then circumstance came in and woke us up, taking away those dreams until they’d almost become a faded memory. But no matter how different those plans came to life, no matter how badly things had been turned around, I wouldn’t let them die.

By the end of the dance, I held Ayla’s hand outside of the gym, waiting for her mother to pick her up. I didn’t have to wait long, seeing Bree make her way through the bodies that gathered. Her eyes wouldn’t hold mine, and I could see fear and nervousness in the way they flickered about, landing on everyone and everything but me. As soon as she grew close enough to us, I leaned over and picked Ayla up. And then I reached out and grabbed Bree’s hand, not giving her a moment to object. I pulled on her, feeling her hesitant steps behind me, and led her out to the parking lot. Meanwhile, Ayla talked nonstop about the dance and how much fun she had.

When we reached Bree’s car, I stood back, giving her space to open the rear door. I set Ayla down and watched as she climbed into her car seat in the back, pulled the seatbelt over her chest, and locked it in place. Bree gently closed the door. She spun around, faced away from me, and cast her gaze downward, as if she were unsure of what to do next.

“I’m going to follow you home, Aubrey. And then we’re going to talk.” I didn’t ask her, or give her any options. I didn’t want to chance her coming up with an excuse or telling me no.

“Sarah is out of town, and it’s too late to take her to my dad’s house.”

“She can be there. It’ll be fine. No arguing, no raised voices. Just talking. Me and you, like adults. I have so much I need to tell you, and we have so much to figure out.”

With a deep breath, her shoulders rose to her chin before falling flat again. Her eyes finally met mine as she said, “I don’t know, Axel…”

I held her upper arms, keeping her facing me. “No, Bree. This isn’t an option. We have to work this out. We have to deal with this like mature adults. Regardless of how we got here, or what’s keeping or has kept us apart, we have to deal with it. We can’t hide from it or let the fear keep us from it any longer.”

She nodded and dipped her head, breaking eye contact. “Okay,” she whispered as she pulled away from me.

I hesitantly let her go and slowly backed away. She silently climbed into her car. I kept my eyes on her, not fully turning away, and made sure she wouldn’t back out, but then I saw the reverse bulbs light up.

Prepared to get to my truck and make my way to Bree’s house, I noticed one of the administrators staring in my direction. Her eyes were squinted, as if attempting to figure out what it was that she saw happening between us. I wanted to leave, not bother with the politics of it all, but once again, I was faced with having to save my job. I stalked over to the woman, keeping my head bowed but my eyes lifted and focused on her.

“I know what this looks like, but I promise you, you can’t even begin to understand the circumstances,” I said quietly after approaching her.

She nodded, seemingly understanding. “Okay. I wasn’t going to make any judgments until talking to you about it. Maybe we can discuss it on Monday?” Her tone held no warning of accusations, and left me to believe I had nothing to worry about. But that in itself had me worried.

“I would love to explain everything to you and the principal then. I just have to get all the answers myself. What you just saw…this didn’t start recently. She is someone from my past, and—”

“Mr. Taylor, it’s fine. Really. You don’t have to explain anything to me right now. You’re only a substitute. But regardless of that, dating a parent isn’t grounds for termination, although it is something the school would need to know. And on Monday, we will talk about it further so we can all be on the same page.”

I left her with a smile, feeling slightly paranoid, yet oddly at ease.

My chest ached the entire drive to Bree’s house, which wasn’t far from the school. I knew the things I wanted to say, but not the specific words. I knew what outcome I wanted, but hadn’t given any thought as to how I would approach it. The drive didn’t offer any comfort, and only served to increase my anxiety.

Bree was inside by the time I pulled up in front of her house, but she came to the door before I even knocked. She silently welcomed me in with an outstretched arm, barely able to meet my gaze.

“Mr. Taylor is here!” Ayla excitedly yelled, jumping around the room.

“Yes, he is. Mommy and…Mr. Taylor have to talk. So why don’t you go get ready for bed? Take a shower and wash your hair please. You can come say goodnight to him before he leaves.” Hearing Bree speak to Ayla relaxed me some, gave me a sense of ease, and lessened the apprehension simmering inside me.

Once Ayla left the room, I said, “I’ve thought a lot about our argument—”

“Axel, please…before you start, let me say something.” Bree held up a hand as she interrupted me. She walked to the couch and sat down, waiting for me to follow. “You make me feel like two different people,” she started with a shaky voice. “Even back in school, it was like you saw one version of me, yet I felt like a totally different one.”

“I don’t understand, Bree.”

“You fell in love with me, but sometimes I think you only fell in love with the person you thought I was. The person I was back then. Like it was some fantasy. I was broken, lost in the world without a clue as to which way was up and which was down. And then you came along, and I became a deer in headlights with you, completely consumed by you.

“You said before that I had the soul of a wolf, fierce and strong. I never felt that. I never believed I had that in me. And if I’m being rational and realistic, I think that’s what you fell in love with all those years ago. You fell in love with the she wolf. She sucked you in, tempted you, and you fell for it—for her. And I think that we’ve both kind of become frozen, stuck in that moment of our lives, loving the other despite everything. That’s unrealistic, Axel. Because I’m not the wolf hidden beneath Little Red Riding Hood’s cloak.”

I shook my head, straining to comprehend what she was saying. “Bree, why can’t you see it? Why is it so difficult for you to believe that you are the person I’ve always seen? You are the strong, capable, determined wolf behind your eyes. I mean, look at you. Look at where you’ve gone, what you’ve overcome. You said yourself that you’re strong…you’re not the same person as before.”

“I know that, Axel. I know what I’ve made of myself and how far I’ve come to get here. And I’m not saying I’m still the weak girl you met on that first day of school after Christmas break. I’m stronger than her. But that doesn’t mean I’m the person you fell in love with, either.”

“Okay, now it’s my turn. Yes, we have probably both been frozen in time, refusing to let go of the feelings we shared years ago. We’ve both been faced with mountains and obstacles and things being thrown at us. But we’ve survived it all. And we’ve managed to come back together in the end. Doesn’t that mean anything to you? Stop telling me who or what version of you I fell in love with. Because the answer is…I fell in love with them all. I still love every single version of you. The mom, the woman, the sister and daughter. I love them all. I love the wolf inside, the one that shines in your eyes. I love the scared little girl that shows in your quivering lips. I love the fighter, the survivor that shows herself in the scars that mark your body,” I said, lifting my finger to run it along the faded scar above her eyebrow that had started it all for me. “So stop telling me that you’re someone other than the person I see when I look into your eyes.”

A tear slipped past her lower lashes and ran swiftly down her cheek before being caught by my thumb. “You don’t get it, Axel. I’m not her. I do what I have to in order to keep going. I put one foot in front of the other. I live for my daughter, and do everything with calculated precision with her in mind. She needs you in her life. She needs her father. I won’t keep you two apart any longer, and if you want her to have your last name, then I will do what I have to do to have it changed. I think that’s an important first step for all of us. And I think it will help open your eyes to the fact that we’ve been stuck in this lie we created years ago, too weak to admit that we were wrong.”

“No, Aubrey,” I said sternly, with a harsh tone that let her know my true feelings. “The only one in denial here is you. You’re letting everyone convince you of everything we fought against when we were together. We knew back then what stood in our way, but we didn’t care, because the only two people that knew what she shared were us. And I refuse to let you forget that.”

She shook her head as the tears rolled out faster. “I don’t need you to keep saving me. Eventually, you’re either going to get tired of it…or I’ll no longer need it, and then what will we have left?”

“I’m not in love with you because you need me. I’m in love with you because I need you. Because you save me. Because you make me weak where it counts, and make me stronger when it’s important. You balance me out and make me whole. Without you, I’m nothing but a broken heart, a lost soul searching for its missing piece. I don’t want to live like that anymore, Bree. I want to live it with you. I want to lean on you in the moments you’re strong and I’m weak. And then I want to hold you when the tables turn.”

“But we’ve both changed so much,” she whispered, hanging on to her fight.

“And we’ll continue to change. We’ll continue to grow, become stronger, become happier. But what I need to know is…do you want to do that with me? Do you want to change, evolve, grow…with me? Together?”

Her eyelids lowered slowly as she closed them, and I hoped she wasn’t garnering the courage to let me down. But once her eyes opened again, shining a fierce yellow, they held me captive, and all the uneasiness vanished from my body. “What if this is a mistake? What if everything that’s happened over the years was nothing more than giant signs letting us know that this is wrong?”

I knew that even through her argumentative words, her pessimistic thoughts, her fight was waning. She sought clarity, and I’d give her that. “And what would those be, Bree? How your history teacher decided to not come back after having a baby, leaving the position open for me during a time you needed someone the most? How you gave me your virginity, and despite the fact that I’d worn a condom, you still managed to get pregnant? You were really sick, you were thrown down a flight of stairs, and yet you still held onto the baby—my baby—our baby. What about how we both moved hours away, and yet somehow, ended up in the same town, years later? Are you talking about how we both used the same land to find peace, coincidently at the same time of night, being within yards of each other before even realizing it was the other person? Me pulling you from the lake, saving you from drowning? Me getting a job as your daughter’s teacher—my daughter’s teacher? Which one of those is the universe using as a sign that we shouldn’t be together, Bree? Because the way I see it, every power is being used to pull us back together…not the other way around.”

“I doubt you’d feel this way if Ayla wasn’t yours.”

“Don’t do that. You’re grasping at straws now. I wanted you back in my life since I walked out of school that day. I’ve been fighting the world every damn day for over six years. When I pulled you from the lake, I had no idea you even had a kid, and I still wanted you in my life. After I found out about her, under the impression that she belonged to someone else, I wanted you. I wanted her. I wanted any part of you I could get. Are you forgetting that I came to you at the hospital? Are you forgetting the passionate night we shared? Or are you making shit up in your head to fit your theory that this won’t work because you’re scared? That I don’t really want you? Are you rewriting history to convince yourself that you don’t want me?”

“Why…” She bent her head down, cradling it in her hands as she sobbed, completely giving up. “Why now, Axel?”

“What do you mean? I’ve been trying to get through to you since you woke up on my couch. I’ve been chasing you for weeks. You’re the one that keeps running away. Why now? Because I can’t wait any longer. I don’t want to wait. I’ve been waiting for six goddamn years, and I don’t want to waste another moment without you in my life.”

She picked up her head, meeting my gaze with a blotchy face and bloodshot eyes. “No…I mean, why now. For me. If we do this now, it’s just going to be me leaning on you again. You saving me again. I want to be able to walk to you on my own two feet, standing strong on my own. Going to you without you questioning if I’m doing it because I want to, or because I don’t have another choice.”

“You’re going to have to be a little clearer here, Aubrey. I’m not following.”

She huffed in frustration and stared at the ceiling, searching for answers in the air. “With everything going on—my dad, you, Ayla—I’ve missed work over the last two weeks. They let me go last night, saying I’m not dependable enough for them. Which is such bullshit, because I’ve been dependable for four years! And now I don’t know what I’m going to do about an income. I have some money saved from the furniture I’ve sold, that I’d planned on using to start my own business, but now I can’t. Because now, I have to dip into that savings in order to live. And now, after I’ve been completely knocked down and kicked repeatedly, it looks like I’m coming back to you because I can’t do it on my own.”

I smiled, not giving a shit that she took it offensively. I couldn’t keep the high from taking over, filling me with hope. “Don’t you see? This is yet another sign…another way for the universe to pull us back together again. After all we’ve been through, you’ve allowed doubt to creep in and obliterate everything you’ve ever believed in when it comes to us. You’ve allowed that doubt to take over and make you think that what we had wasn’t real. That I never really loved you. That I loved a version of you that you can’t see. You’ve actually started to convince yourself that what we had was nothing more than a mirage. But you’ll never convince me of that. You’ll never make me believe that my love for you wasn’t real, or that yours wasn’t, either. Clearly, the universe is pissed at you for doubting us.”

And then she laughed, leaving me offended and confused. “You think the universe fired me, is taking away my income, my family, all so that you can come in on your white horse and save the day again? You think the universe, after all it’s thrown at me, all the shit it’s piled on top of me, wants me to be the damsel in distress? Do you hear yourself? You sound insane.”

“You’re absolutely right, Bree. God doesn’t want us together. He’s made us happy together, miserable apart, separated us when the world was against us, reunited us once we were both in places to freely be together…yet He doesn’t want us to be together. No… He wants to keep us apart.”

I watched as she shook her head, trying with all her might to disagree, but I knew I’d gotten to her. I knew she couldn’t deny it any longer. She knew the truth, she could see it. I’d laid it out for her clearly. My words were logical, hers were irrational. And no matter how hard she fought to remain blind, I was winning. I would win her over. I would never give up.

“Stop…fighting…it.” I moved to the floor at her feet, wedging myself between her legs and holding her face to keep her from looking away. “I came into your life six years ago when you needed me. You came back into mine when I needed you. And now…stop looking at this moment as you once again needing me, because I need you just as much. We may never be rich with money, but I can promise you, we will always be rich in love. I will work my ass off to give you and Ayla everything you need. Everything you could possibly want. I’ll work two jobs, teaching and lawn care, if that means you get the chance to start up and fulfill your dream.”

“You can’t sacrifice that for me, Axel. That’s all you’ve ever done. You sacrificed your job for me once before, and look how that turned out. We will never survive if I continue to drag you down.”

“Love is sacrifice, Bree. And I don’t see it like that. You’ve sacrificed a lot for me already. You gave up school to give me a daughter. You lied to your parents to protect me. So think of this as me repaying you, me giving you back something you deserve. You’re giving me another chance at the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and giving me a little girl that’s the best parts of both of us…let me do this for you. I live by myself. The house is big enough.”

“That sounds great and all, but it’s really fast. You just walked back in my life a few weeks ago, just found out about Ayla five days ago, and it’s only been about thirty seconds since I’ve even conceded at the thought of us being together again. Don’t start packing my bags yet, Batman.”

I raised an eyebrow, watching the corners of her lips lift. “Batman?”

“Well, you’re not Superman. Batman is a real person—he isn’t from some magical planet with superpowers. So you’re Batman. At least that’s what I told Ayla. She overheard me talking to Sarah when I told her about your hero complex. She was three and thought that meant you were a superhero.”

An unfamiliar feeling filled my chest, blazing hot and threatening to bring tears to my eyes. Not just from what Bree said, but also over the simple fact that no matter what had transpired between us, she continued to speak highly of me to our daughter. “I could be Iron Man. He’s a real person without superpowers. And he’s technically a genius. Plus, he drives nice cars. I’d like to drive nice cars,” I said with a mischievous smile, attempting to show her how good we’ve always been together. How easy things could be if we’d just allow it, just let go and fall. As long as we were together, we could fall anytime and be okay.

Bree nearly choked on her laugh, her eyes lighting up as she finally gave in. “Whatever, Axel. Be whatever hero you want. But I’m serious. I can’t just move in with you. We still haven’t told Ayla the truth, and we have so much to work through. I understand that we’ve waited so long to be together, but we just need to wait a little bit longer. Please. All good things come to those who wait.”

“Ayla might fall for that, but I’ve been waiting six freaking years.”

“Let’s get through telling Ayla. Let’s see how she handles it, how she takes it. This isn’t all about us, you know. We have to think of her and how she feels about it all. There’s no immediate rush to move out. And we still have to work out getting her name changed. About that…I know I said if that’s what you wanted, I would do it, but ultimately, it’s what she wants. We can ask her what name she wants. And whatever she chooses, you must be okay with it.”

I nodded, understanding what she meant. I had to put on the brakes and slow it down. “Okay, I agree. I will give us time to work out everything. We won’t make any immediate plans about living or jobs. But if you think I’m going to back off, if you think I’m still going to give you space to sort shit out, you’re sadly mistaken.”

“The only thing I needed to sort out was how to tell you about Ayla. That little girl has always had a way of changing things for me. I think things are going one way, I make plans and get prepared for one thing, and then she barrels through it all. It’s Ayla’s way or no way.”

I sat back on my haunches, feeling more complete than ever before. “Sounds familiar. You still have a way of hitting me upside the head like a wrecking ball. And no matter what plans you destroy, I always accept it with a smile.”

“Okay, Axel. You can say it now.”

“Say what?” I asked, already knowing what she meant.

“You know…that you love me.”

“Oh, I do? And how do you know that?”

She grinned and did a fluttering eye-roll, “Because I love you, too.”

“Yeah, I already know that. Ayla told me earlier. She also said you think I’m really really really handsome.” I leaned in closer, pulling her face to mine. “But that’s fine, because I think you’re really really really gorgeous. And I love you.”