Текст книги "Shut Out"

Автор книги: Kody Keplinger

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Текущая страница: 13 (всего у книги 14 страниц)

chapter twenty-nine

The next morning, Ellen volunteered to drive me home. Logan had texted and asked me to be back by noon because he had something to tell Dad and me over lunch, so I accepted Ellen’s offer because, while Chloe would usually give me the lift, I got the vibe that she was still upset with me about last night. Though I wasn’t sure what I’d done to upset her so much.

“So,” Ellen said slowly as we drove away from her house. The other girls had left only a few minutes before us, sneaking out as quietly as possible so as not to wake up Ellen’s mom, who really liked to sleep in on the weekends. “We need to talk about this whole strike thing.”

“What about it?” I asked.

“Lissa, I—Look, it was a good idea. Really, I’m glad we did it because… Well, honestly, I’ve learned a lot. About what people expect of me and what I expect from myself. And because it brought us back together.” She gave me a quick smile before focusing her attention on the road again. “But… I think it’s time to end it.”

“What? Why? We haven’t won yet.”

Ellen sighed and switched on the turn signal. “What are we winning, exactly?” she asked.

“We… The rivalry has to end. That’s the point.”

“Is it?” she asked, her voice very serious but not accusatory. “Think about this, Lissa. Is the rivalry really what the strike is about? Because I don’t know if you noticed, but the boys aren’t fighting anymore. The group at my house last night was made up of football and soccer players. They were working together.”

I didn’t say anything.

Didn’t know what to say.

But I did know what Ellen was thinking. And then she confirmed my suspicions.

“I think this is about Cash,” she said. “I think… Okay, don’t get mad at me for saying this, but I think you’re using this to get back at him for how he hurt you. It didn’t start that way, obviously, but now… Lissa, we all see the way you look at him. All of us. Even Kelsey mentioned it to Chloe and me.”

“Wait, you guys talked about me? Behind my back?”

“Not in a bad way,” Ellen said quickly. “But we’re worried. This strike was a great idea, but it’s going too far. They asked me to talk to you about it. They thought you’d listen to me.”

I stared out the window, refusing to look at Ellen. I was more than pissed. I was hurt. Angry. Betrayed. I thought these girls were on my side. They’d been on my side from the start and now, suddenly, they were against me. Talking about me when I wasn’t around. Trying to think of ways to overthrow me.

Ellen must have guessed what I was thinking because she quickly added, “We love you, Lissa. It’s not like we’re mad. But think about this, okay? The strike is tearing apart the guys and the girls. It’s becoming its own rivalry. Even you talk about ‘winning’ like it’s just a game to you. But didn’t you start this to end a rivalry? To make peace?”

Yes, I thought, but I didn’t respond. I was pushing down all the hurt and anger, falling back into my safe place, the one where I was Little Miss Ice Queen.

“If we let this keep going, it’ll turn into another long-lasting rivalry, and no one will know where or why it started,” Ellen continued. “I know you don’t want that. I know because I know you.” She took a breath and let it out slowly. “The end of Lysistrata?”

“What?” I asked coldly. “What about it?”

“The end. The women won, but how? Do you remember?”

“Lysistrata talked to the guy representing the men,” I said. “He agreed on their behalf to end the war. You’ve read it?”

Ellen shrugged. “My mom teaches Greek studies at the community college in Oak Hill. I’ve learned a lot.” She turned onto my street and continued talking. “But think about what you just said. She talked to the leader of the guy’s side. Have you thought… Have you tried seriously talking to Cash?”

“Yes—No…. It’s complicated, okay?”

“I know.” She sighed. “And I’m sorry. I’m sorry things are weird between you two, but you can’t let your relationship with Cash run this strike. You need to talk to him so that this can end. So that we can all move on.”

I didn’t reply. As much as I hated to admit it, I knew she was right.

Ellen’s car stopped in my driveway, and we sat listening to the engine idle for a moment before either of us broke the silence.

“Just promise me you’ll think about it,” she said. “Please. Know that I’ll be on your side, no matter what. I’ll stand by your decision, but… but you owe me this.”

“I know,” I said quietly. “I owe it to all the girls. They’ve stuck by me—all of them—through a lot. Through Randy…” I swallowed hard, unable to keep the emotions back the way I wanted. “I’ll talk to Cash. Not sure what I’ll say, but I’ll talk to him.”

I wasn’t looking at her, but I felt Ellen’s hand slide over the console and squeeze mine. “Thank you,” she said. “And remember what I said the other day, okay? If he doesn’t see how special you are, he doesn’t deserve you.”

“Thanks,” I said. “I’m going to get going. I just need to think about all of this. I’ll call you tonight or something, okay?”

“Okay.” She let go of my hand as I slid out of the car.

I paused before slamming the car door shut and poked my head inside for a second. “Hey, Ellen?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks… for putting up with me.”

She beamed at me. “No problem,” she said. “I’m happy to put up with you, even when you’re at your craziest. That won’t change.”

I didn’t deserve her, I realized as I walked up to the front door and let myself into the house. Honestly, I didn’t deserve anyone. As much as it killed me to admit it, Ellen was right. I’d been using this strike as a way to fight with Cash. If I hadn’t been so blinded, so obsessed with winning and beating him, I might have noticed the way the rivalry had gone dormant.

I was trying to figure out what I’d say to Cash when I confronted him—how I’d start, what arguments I’d make, whether I should lie about how I felt—when I walked into the kitchen, where my family sat waiting for me at the table. Waiting so that Logan could give me the news. Waiting with one extra person.

“Jenna,” I said, not as shocked as I would have liked to be. “What are you doing here?”

But I could have guessed the answer.

chapter thirty

“Lissa,” Dad said, a laugh still on his lips. “Honey, come in and sit down. Logan has something to tell us.”

I was frozen in the kitchen doorway, the bag I’d packed for the night at Ellen’s hanging loosely from my fingertips. I didn’t want Jenna in my house, in my kitchen, in my space. I didn’t want to see the way she smiled, like this was the happiest moment of her life. It wasn’t the happiest moment of mine.

“So,” I said slowly. “You’re… You’ve been dating Jenna this whole time, right?”

They exchanged a look before my brother focused his attention squarely on me. “Yes,” he said. “I have. I didn’t want to tell you because—Well, if things didn’t work out, I didn’t want it to be awkward for you at work.”

“I actually asked him to keep it a secret,” Jenna interjected. “I mean, you’re distracted at work enough as it is. The library couldn’t afford having you lose focus because of another personal issue.”

“I figured it out a while ago,” I said. “I just hoped you’d break up soon.”

“Lissa,” Dad scolded. “Stop that.”

“Sit down,” Logan said, his voice losing its cheery edge.

I didn’t move, just looked back and forth between them for a minute. I had a sinking suspicion that dating wasn’t the reason for this family meeting. Jenna was here, in my kitchen, no longer keeping it secret—no longer letting me live in the land of sweet denial. That meant something must have changed.

“Oh my God,” I gasped. “You’re pregnant, aren’t you?”

“What?” Logan asked, his eyebrows shooting up into his hairline.

“No!” Jenna cried. I saw a hand fly to her stomach. “Why, do I look…?”

Logan shook his head and squeezed her hand on top of the table.

I thought I’d be sick.

“Then why are you telling us this now?” I asked. “If you aren’t pregnant, why not continue to keep the whole dating thing a secret?”

“Lissa, honey,” Dad said. “Logan has some news for us. Go ahead, Logan.”

Logan glanced at Jenna again, and she gave him one forceful nod before he said, “I’m moving out.”

I felt a rubber band begin to contract around my lungs. “What?”

Jenna said, “He’s moving—”

“I heard him!” I snapped at her, unable to keep my cool. “I… What? Where? When?”

“At the beginning of next month,” Logan said. “Jenna and I are moving to an apartment in one of the suburbs outside of Chicago.”

“I’m going to Northwestern,” Jenna explained, looking at my father, not me. “I’m going to finish my degree there, starting in January.”

“What about the classes you’re taking right now at the community college?” Dad asked.

“My professors are letting me finish online,” she said. “I want us to have time to settle in and learn the area before I jump right into school.”

“And I’m going to apply for grad school,” Logan said. “Like I planned.”

“You can’t leave,” I said, my voice coming out cracked and pathetic. I shook my head and tried again. “You can’t leave, Logan. You can’t… you can’t go that far away. And you two barely know each other! You’ve been dating, like… like, a month. That’s not enough time to move in together.”

“I know,” Logan said. He smiled at Jenna, and the sparkle in his eyes—that cliché glimmer you read about in romance novels—I saw it. “We know it’s soon, but this just feels right.”

And I could tell.

I didn’t want to, but I could tell.

Logan was in love with her.

I felt a sense of panic boiling in my chest. I felt my lungs contracting with fear, frustration, and worry. More than ever, I truly hated Jenna. Before, she’d just annoyed me, angered me, made me insane. But now? Now I hated her. Because of her, my family was being broken, again. And she was taking Logan away. I’d worked so hard to keep my family close, to keep them safe, and she was going to destroy that.

“Excuse me,” I said, turning away and running upstairs. I couldn’t be in the room with her anymore. Couldn’t look at her or at Logan. Couldn’t watch this happen.

Couldn’t watch my family break apart again.

An hour later, I heard Dad calling me from downstairs. I thought about ignoring him, knowing what he wanted to say to me—that it would be all right, that this was bound to happen, things I didn’t want to hear. I thought about putting the pillow over my head and pretending his voice hadn’t carried up the stairs.

But I decided to be at least somewhat mature about this. I sighed and climbed off my bed, running my fingers through my hair before heading downstairs.

Logan and Jenna were gone already, but Dad was waiting for me by the bottom step, his hand resting on the banister. “We should talk about this,” he said. “Come on. I’ll make you a sandwich.”

I followed him into the kitchen and sat down at the table while he rolled around the room, getting what he needed to make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, like he used to when I was little and upset.

“He can’t do this,” I blurted out, knowing Dad was waiting for me to speak first. “He can’t leave us.”

Dad didn’t respond. He pulled a knife from the silverware drawer and began spreading jelly across a piece of bread.

“And not with her,” I continued. “She’s… she’s awful. So bossy and demanding and obnoxious.”

“I found her charming,” Dad said. “Very smart, in control. A little obsessed with order, but that’s the kind of girl Logan needs in his life. She reminds me of you and your mother, actually.”

“No,” I muttered, but I remembered Cash saying once that Jenna reminded him of me. As much as that made my stomach churn, I couldn’t argue with the majority. Not successfully, at least. “Besides,” I continued, picking up a napkin that had been left on the table and folding it into small, even sections. Fourths, eighths, sixteenths. “He’s so much older. It’s creepy. She’s, like, seven years younger than him. Can’t he date someone his own age?”

Dad sighed and moved his chair back to the kitchen table, sliding the sandwich he’d just made across to me. “Honey, I know this is hard on you,” he said. “I know you’ve spent the last five years taking care of us—of Logan and me. But sweetheart, Logan is an adult now. He has to take care of himself eventually.”

“I’m scared that if he gets too far away, we’ll lose him,” I whispered. “I don’t want to lose anyone else.”

“Don’t look at it as losing him,” Dad said. “Look at it as adding to the family. We have Jenna now, too. Someone to help you keep him safe—because you know she’ll boss him around just as much as you do.”

He was trying to make me laugh, but it didn’t work.

I put down the napkin, now folded into a compact little cube, and picked up my sandwich. “Why her?” I asked. “Of all people, why her?”

He shrugged. “Sometimes it’s hard to predict who will make a person happy. But in the end, that’s what matters. Remember what I told you when you and Randy broke up? I told you that I’d accept any boy you brought home, no matter who he was, as long as he made you happy. Honey, we owe Logan the same.”

“I know.”

“You can’t control everything,” Dad said. “Sometimes you just need to relax and have faith that things will work out. Let go a little and let life happen. You don’t want to miss out on the best parts of life just because you were afraid of getting hurt. Or, in this case, of Logan getting hurt.”

But it wasn’t just about Logan.

Dad didn’t know it, obviously, but he was also talking about Cash.

I’d been pushing him away, keeping him at a distance, running every time he got too close, because I was afraid of getting hurt. Afraid of how I felt about him. But in reality, I should have just talked to him. Like Ellen now wanted me to do. I could have solved all of this if I’d just asked him why. But instead, I tried to control everything about our relationship, tried to keep myself safe. And that hadn’t worked at all.

But it wasn’t too late.

“I have to go,” I said, standing up, my sandwich only half-eaten.

Dad looked startled. “Are you okay?” he asked. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, honey. I just—”

“You didn’t,” I told him. “You’re right. I can’t control everything. Sometimes I need to let go and… not be afraid.” I took a breath. “I’ll work on it.”

Dad nodded. “Okay. Good. I know it won’t be easy for you, but I think you’ll be happier in the long run.”

“Maybe,” I said. “Now, um… Can I use the car? There’s someone I need to go see.”

chapter thirty-one

There was a soccer game going on down at the high school that afternoon. I showed up just in time to watch the last twenty minutes. The bleachers were pretty empty, probably because so many people had left for their fall break mini-vacations, but there were still several loyal fans sitting around cheering. I could see Ellen on the second bleacher, cheering for Adam with all her heart.

The way I used to cheer for Randy.

I sat down in an empty row, pulling my feet up onto the narrow bench and resting my chin on my knees while I watched. It was the first time I’d ever really watched a soccer game. Usually, I’d just pass the field and catch glimpses of the action during practice or on my way to the football field. Sometimes, due to horrible scheduling, the games would happen at the same time.

My family didn’t watch soccer and I didn’t know any of the rules, but I spotted Cash running in the middle of the field, mostly along the edges. I remembered him telling me at the summer party that he was a midfielder or something like that. I wasn’t sure what it meant, and I hadn’t really followed his explanation then. Now, though, I wanted to know. I wanted to know what his job was on the team. What they trusted him with, relied on him to do.

One thing I knew for certain—I’d never seen anyone as graceful as Cash on the field. He moved swiftly, smoothly, past his opponents. He made it look like more than a game—like it was an art. I could suddenly see why he loved it. Why anyone might love sports. To me, it had always been just a game, but to people like Cash—like my dad and Randy, even—it was a life, an art, a passion.

The buzzer sounded just as Adam kicked the ball past the other team’s goalie. Hamilton won, and everyone clapped and cheered. Slowly, the audience began to disperse, leaving the stands in packs, chattering and comparing their favorite moments of the game. Everyone seemed to be gushing about Adam or Kyle, the goalie. But I’d barely noticed either. Cash was the only one I saw on the field. The only one who mattered.

I stayed in the bleachers, nervously rapping my knuckles against the aluminum bench while the rest of the fans headed back to the parking lot and the teams shook hands on the field. Then the Hamilton players gathered at the bench, high-fiving and discussing the game with Coach Lukavics. When they’d finished, the boys all headed back toward the changing rooms.

All but one.

Cash’s eyes met mine and, after a long pause, he started walking up the bleachers toward me. My heart pounded as he got closer. He looked amazing in his uniform—more amazing than usual, I mean—but I tried not to think about that.

“Nice game,” I said.

“Thanks,” he replied as he reached my place in the middle of the stands. He sat down, leaving a few feet of space between us. “I never expected to see you here.”

“Yeah,” I said, my knuckles tapping faster. “Can we talk?”

“Sure—but, um, would you rather I go shower and change first?”

I shook my head. “No, let’s just… I want to get this over with.”

He frowned but nodded. “All right. What’s going on?”

I took a deep breath and stared out at the empty green soccer field, keeping my eyes as far away from Cash as possible. I couldn’t control how I felt about him. I couldn’t fight it off or force it away. Every time he came near me, I melted, and hating myself for it wasn’t going to do me any good. I knew I’d never move on if I didn’t ask the one question that had been haunting me for months.

“How come you never called me? After that party over the summer, I mean. You kissed me, and I thought… We’ve avoided the subject ever since, I know, and it was probably for the best, but I have to know, Cash. Why didn’t you call me?”

There was a long, heavy silence, and I wanted so badly to look at Cash, but I wouldn’t let myself. I didn’t want to see the shame on his face. The embarrassment he felt over kissing me multiple times. The awkwardness of telling me that I just wasn’t special enough. I closed my eyes and bit my lip, waiting.

When he finally spoke, Cash sounded surprised. “I didn’t think you wanted me to.”

I turned my head to look at him then, not sure I believed what I was hearing. He was staring at me with the most intense expression in his green eyes, so genuine and sincere, there was no way I could doubt him.

“Lissa, I—” He paused, let out a breath, and laid a hand over mine to keep me from tapping my already aching fingers. “Wow, I’m an idiot. That night—Lissa, it meant a lot to me. I really liked you. I, um, had for a while, actually.”

I blinked at him. “What?”

“I’d seen you hanging out with Ellen back when she and Adam first got together.” He was the one avoiding my eyes now, his cheeks turning just a tinge red. “I thought… I thought you were beautiful. I was going to ask her to help me out, maybe set us up or something, but then you two stopped talking, and I found out you were with Randy….”

My head was spinning. I couldn’t actually be hearing this. Cash Sterling—Mr. Unattainable, the boy every girl wanted but no one could have—thought I was beautiful. This had to be a dream—a good dream, but still, a dream.

Cash looked at me then, and I knew I wasn’t imagining any of this. It was real. He was real. Everything he was saying was real.

And I was shaking.

“So that night this summer, at the party, I was so happy to be talking to you. Getting to know you the way I’d wanted to. I liked you even more, so when I kissed you… Lissa, I meant it. Then you kissed me back….”

“Then why—” My voice cracked, and I had to clear my throat. “Why didn’t you call me? Why didn’t you try to see me again?”

“I guess I thought it was too much to hope for that you felt the same way,” Cash admitted. “You kissed me back, but I thought—You’d just broken up with Randy, and the whole rivalry between the teams…”

He let the sentence trail off, and it took me a minute to understand what he was telling me. But when it hit me, I couldn’t help but laugh. Despite everything.

“You thought I was using you?” I said. “Like, to get back at Randy?”

He blushed. “Yeah, I did. And then you two got back together a few weeks later, so I was sure that’s what it had been about. But I didn’t want to make you feel bad about it or weird around me, so I just didn’t say anything. I did egg Randy’s car, though.”

“Wait, back at the end of August? On Lyndway Hill? That was you?”

Cash nodded, looking ashamed. “Yeah. That wasn’t the only time, either. I know it was stupid, but I just… God, I hated the thought of you two together. Not just because you weren’t with me but because Randy is such a jackass. I knew he didn’t deserve you.”

“Cash, I—I thought you just didn’t like me,” I told him. “I thought… Well, you said at the lunch table that day that you’d only consider dating a girl if she was really special. You looked right at me when you said it, so I thought that was a hint. That I just wasn’t enough or something.”

He shook his head. “It was a hint, but in the, um, opposite direction. You’d broken up with Randy again, and I was trying to tell you how I felt.” He blushed again. “I’m an idiot. Lissa, I’m sorry.”

I was grinning from ear to ear, but I looked at my lap, still embarrassed. Cash liked me. He had all along. We’d just been too foolish to confront each other about it. If he’d spoken up—if I’d spoken up—things could have been so different. We could have been together. This whole drama never would have had to happen.

Except, maybe it would have. Because even if I hadn’t gone back to Randy, the rivalry would have raged on, and even now, I was proud of myself for standing up against it. Against the hazing and the insanity of fighting a war that has no purpose.

A war that has no purpose…

“Cash,” I said slowly, remembering the whole reason I needed to talk to him. “Why did you take over the boys’ side? Why’d you go up against me?”

He grinned. “I was actually trying to help you out. When I offered to organize an attack against the strike, it kind of brought all the guys—from both teams—together. It was hard, but we started working together as a group. The strike was a great idea, Lissa. If there’s one thing that’ll bring a bunch of guys together, it’s girls.”

I laughed.

“I had another reason, too,” he admitted, squeezing my hand. I wrapped my fingers around his, listening intently. “I also did it to get your attention.”

“What?”

He shrugged. “You kept avoiding me. I gave you that copy of Lysistrata hoping it would give us something to talk about, but every time we’d start to connect, you’d pull away. You were still dating Randy then, so I didn’t push it, but after Homecoming I couldn’t fight it anymore. I wanted to talk to you. To be around you. And you were so invested in this strike that I thought the only way I’d get you to stop avoiding me was to lead the boys’ side.”

“So you were making me crazy on purpose? How is that any different than what I did to you—trying to…” I hesitated, embarrassed. “To seduce you.”

“I wasn’t trying to drive you crazy, just to get your attention,” he said. “Lissa, I never tried to use you. Everything that happened between us—I meant it. Including that kiss in the library. I tried to tell you the other day at my house. That this”—he held up our entwined hands—“is more than just a game to me. But…”

“But I wouldn’t listen.”

“Yeah. Not that I blame you. This whole thing has been so complicated.” He shook his head. “Obviously, I’m not good at this whole dating thing. I have very little experience.”

“It’s okay,” I told him. “I do have experience, and I’ve messed this up just as much as—if not more than—you have.” We smiled shyly at each other, our fingers still laced. “At least now I know. And it isn’t too late.”

“It’s never too late.”

I leaned in then, ready to kiss him, to be with him, to start over from scratch and fix all the mistakes I’d made. But just before my lips met his, Cash put a hand on my shoulder and eased me away.

“Can we… Can we put this moment on pause?” he asked, though it looked like it was costing him an effort. “Let me go shower and change, and then we can get out of here. Will you wait for me?”

“Ye—No.” I stood up, shaking my head.

Cash’s eyes went wide. “No? Is something wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” I told him. “No, everything’s perfect. But I know that if we get out of here, the chances of me being able to control myself are slim.” The way Cash grinned when I said this made my cheeks burn. “I’m still under oath,” I reminded him. “And I won’t let this strike be for nothing. The rivalry needs to come to an official end first.”

He nodded and got to his feet. “Okay,” he said. “You’re right. So how do we make that happen?”