Текст книги "Blow"

Автор книги: Kim Karr

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Текущая страница: 12 (всего у книги 22 страниц)

LOGAN

I hadn’t smoked in years, but I needed a cigarette.

I didn’t want to move, and it appeared Elle didn’t either.

With my cock buried deep inside her, I felt invincible.

But as my breathing started to recover and the high of my orgasm faded, reality came crashing down.

I was a fucking idiot.

I was anything but invincible.

She was anything but safe.

And I’d just done the one thing that was certain to cause her harm.

It didn’t matter when I fucked around in New York City. The Blue Hill Gang didn’t extend their reach that far and besides, it’s not like I went looking for pussy. I let it come to me. Hell, most of the time I didn’t even know their names. They were women looking for a break from the boring social circles we traveled in, and for some reason I was their guy. It worked for me. They’d call my name as I fucked their brains out trying to drown out the memory of Kayla’s screams. I never took numbers, never made promises to see them again, and I never went back for seconds.

But with Elle something was different, and it scared the shit out of me. Now, even after I was completely sated and spent, I knew once wasn’t enough with her. I had known it all along, though. It wasn’t just that I wanted more; I needed it. She had lit a small flame inside me that I thought had died long ago, and I wanted her to keep that fire alive.

I wasn’t ready for this to end, so I slid a hand to the back of her neck and drove my fingers into her damp hair, and then I took her mouth eagerly once again. I kissed her passionately, furiously, drawing every ounce of pleasure I could from her—I kissed her the same as I had when I’d been fucking her.

Like it was the first and last time.

Because it was.

She moaned, and I ate up the satisfaction I knew she was feeling.

It felt good to make someone happy.

After more than a few beats, I stopped kissing her. I didn’t want to, but I had to. I was out of breath and so was she. But mostly I stopped because reality kept creeping into my head. My highs and lows were becoming more unstable, the endorphins waning the longer the time span from my orgasm.

Elle used it as her cue to pull away. “We can’t stay like this.”

The high building again from the sound of her voice alone, I looked down. I didn’t see why not. It was the only time we could. The thought of one more time had my cock stirring in her pussy again. Keeping the mood light, casual even, I shrugged and offered, “I’m up to it if you are.”

Why beat around the bush?

She gave me an amused laugh, and it was the most beautiful sound, a sound I knew I’d never forget. “Is that a challenge?”

I raised a brow, and having a feeling she didn’t back away from challenges, I teased, “It can be.”

“Your legs must be tired,” she said with the sexiest, raspy tone that I don’t think was on purpose.

I nipped at her neck. “Nope.”

She tossed her head back. “Your arms?”

I couldn’t remember the last time I was playful with a woman.

If ever.

Then I remembered. “Oh fuck, your back.”

“I’m fine,” she said, but I could tell by the way she was twisting that it was bothering her.

I gently set her down and reached between us to hold the condom in place as I pulled out of her. I missed the warmth instantly and I could tell she did too.

As soon as I opened the shower door to dispose of the condom, my eyes landed directly in front of me and I froze.

I was a dumb fuck.

How the hell had I let my wall down?

I couldn’t do that.

I knew better.

I tried my best to put it back up. Staring longer at the sight of the crack down the mirror I had made earlier certainly helped. It served to remind me who I was, and what I shouldn’t be doing. I was the grandson of the once head of the Irish Mob who had made an enemy of the now head and I knew I couldn’t be seen with any girl around this town, especially not this girl. Somehow, some way, Tommy would find out, and I didn’t want to think about what that meant.

His day would come.

“Hey, are you okay?” Elle asked.

I dared to look at her.

I shouldn’t have.

When our eyes met, all I saw was the smile slip from her face.

I really was an asshole.

Dropping my gaze, I grabbed a towel and handed it to her. Completely pissed at myself, I avoided looking at her and answered, “Yeah, I’m fine.”

The chill in the air said I wasn’t.

She wrapped the towel around herself and then opened one of the bags she must have set on the floor earlier. “I should get dressed,” she said quietly.

I could tell she was putting up her own wall.

The tension in the room left me feeling guilty. I dried off and pulled my pants on, then turned to her and lamely said, “I have some things to take care of. I’ll be out in the other room if you need me.”

Her mouth thinned and I could see her armor go all the way up. “Yes, sure, of course.”

I was being a dick and I knew it.

The awareness of my actions cut like a knife.

Odd.

It had never bothered me before. I did what I did because I had to, and I’d grown used to it. Numb to any reaction. I shook off the strange feeling and looked at my watch. “Almost ten.”

Elle nodded. “I think I’ll just go to bed.”

I turned around to walk out the door and didn’t even look back before I left. I felt like I was bleeding. I wanted to kiss her. To say good night. But I couldn’t, because I knew if I looked into her green eyes and watched them fill up with some unknown emotion, I’d scoop her up and pull her in my arms and tell her I was sorry for being an asshole. The cold routine was for her own good, though.

That I wanted her but couldn’t have her didn’t matter.

I feared that if I spent another minute with her, I’d tell her why.

And then what would she think of me?

The closed door between the living area and the bedroom acted as a buffer between us, which was good because I needed to think clearly about the situation. And not the one that had just occurred. The one we were both in with Patrick, and Tommy, too, of course.

Someone stalking Elle made no sense. It wasn’t Patrick’s style. I started to wonder if maybe she was being paranoid. The shadows she saw could very easily have been caused by the wind. But where the fuck was the garage door opener? Had whoever broken into her car taken it? I’d have her check for that first.

It was the logical step.

I pulled my body onto the couch and threw my head back on the small pillow. Exhaustion eased its way into my bones and I allowed myself to close my eyes.

Screaming woke me up.

Elle’s voice.

My heart slammed like a rock against my chest and terror raced through me. I bolted up, grabbed my SIG, and ran for the bedroom door. I wanted to kick it down but thought better of it and eased it open instead. Light spilled into the dark room from the living area and I shot a 360-degree glance around. The baby girl was sleeping soundly in the crib, but Elle was thrashing in the sheets again.

No one was in there with her.

Thank God.

After I realized she was having another nightmare, I rushed over to the bed and set my gun down on the night table, where the digital clock read 2:31 in the morning.

“Get out. Get out. I never want to see you again!” she yelled.

I might have thought it was me she was yelling at if she hadn’t had a nightmare just last night. The thought it could be me was like a heavy weight on my shoulders and I instantly regretted my retreat just a few hours ago. I stared down at her and kept my voice quiet. “Elle, wake up. It’s just a dream.”

Her fingers were gripping the sheets so tightly that I could see the material pulling. I placed a hand on her shoulder. “Elle, wake up,” I whispered.

She sat up.

Confused.

Exhausted.

Vulnerable.

My head spun a little bit and I realized I’d been holding my breath. Dumb ass. What the fuck was wrong with me? I had to man up.

She looked at me and seemed to blink everything into focus. Then her eyes darted to Clementine.

“She’s fine,” I whispered reassuringly.

Elle was shaking, her body still experiencing the trauma of the nightmare even though she was fully awake. “What’s going on? Why are you in here?” she asked frantically.

The covers were tangled and tossed to the side. I pulled them up and sat beside her. “Elle, talk to me. What were you dreaming about?”

She shook her head.

“Who do you want to go away? Did someone hurt you?” My voice was unbelievably calm considering the thumping of my pulse in my throat.

Her eyes bore into mine, searching.

Something inside me said, Fuck reason. She needed someone. It wasn’t her fault it was me that was here. That’s when I did it. I moved closer to her. But that wasn’t enough to relax the taut muscles and scared look on her face. To try to help, I pushed her hair from her eyes so she could see me. “It’s okay. Tell me,” I said, my voice low.

Elle took a deep breath and blew it out. “She left me alone with him. She knew what he was like and she left me alone with him. That’s why I hated her.”

My brain started to spasm at what exactly that meant. “Who, Elle?”

“Lizzy. My sister. She left me alone with him. Right after my mother died, my sister came to my hospital room and told me she had to leave.”

I already knew who she was talking about, so I clarified, “She left you alone with your father.”

She nodded.

I struggled to speak as my stomach knotted. It felt like I had balls of rubber bands in there and they were bouncing from side to side. “Did he hurt you? Is that why you were in the hospital?”

Elle shook her head. “I begged her stay. When I knew she wasn’t going to, I blamed her for what had happened. I knew it wasn’t her fault. But then she told me she’d send for me when she got her life settled and I lost it. I told her not to bother. I never wanted to see her again, and then I took off the bracelet she had given me and threw it at her like it never mattered. It mattered. It did matter. I told her if she walked out that door, never to contact me. Why would I do that?”

I pulled her to me and tried to soothe her. “Shhh . . . Elle, we all say and do things sometimes that we regret. I’m sure your sister knows that.”

Her tears were spilling down my bare chest as she shook her head. “No, she didn’t. If she did, why did she wait until she was in trouble to contact me?”

I had no response for her, but I was compelled to lie down and pull her to me. Stroking her back, I kissed her head and tried to ease her pain. I didn’t know exactly what had happened but whatever it was, it had impacted her life. And I felt somewhat to blame for invoking those memories. I shouldn’t have questioned her about her parents last night when the vibe was clear from the start that her relationship with them was fragile.

Her breathing started to settle and she flung her arm across my chest and held on to me.

A panic started to rise in me and I considered jumping up.

That would be the biggest asshole move I could ever make.

At least I knew that.

I talked myself off the ledge. It was okay. She needed me. I could be there for her. It didn’t have to mean anything else.

Did it?

Fuck.

I had to admit it.

The truth was, no matter how much I tried to distance myself from her, physically or emotionally, she was already in me.

It was too late.

No amount of space was going to stop what I was feeling.

I was fucked.

DAY 3

ELLE

Clementine cooed in the early morning light.

I panicked, wondering if Logan was still in bed with me.

Uncertain, I opened my eyes and peeked.

He wasn’t.

I should have been relieved, but I wasn’t sure I was. Logan was messing with my mind. I’d never met anyone like him. He radiated sex appeal but could turn it off in the blink of an eye. I shouldn’t have cared—but I did. He’d opened something in my mind that had me thinking that way. He turned me on. He’d awakened something in my body that had me wanting him. That worried me.

Clementine was still babbling and I rolled over to see her cute little face staring at me through the rails of her crib. She was a good sleeper, but as soon as the sun came up, so did she.

Forcing myself out of bed, I took the few steps toward her. “Good morning, silly girl. You ready to get up?”

“Up,” she said, the strange environment not bothering her in the least.

I smiled at her. She was so easygoing. She was also parroting back more and more words. When I reached for her, she let out a loud cackle.

“She’s happy in the morning.” His voice was smooth like honey and made me shiver.

I turned with her in my arms to see Logan leaning against the doorframe with a cup of coffee in each hand. My pulse quickened at the mere sight of him. He was showered and dressed in another pair of black cargo pants and a long-sleeved white T-shirt. He looked rakishly rogue. My hands itched to glide under his clothes and touch his naked body. Such an odd feeling. His hair was still slightly damp and I remembered how soft it felt under my fingertips. I wanted to feel it again. He’d shaved, but I’d never forget how good his stubble felt against my skin. Really good.

Clementine reached for him and my heart fluttered.

She found him irresistible too.

Shaking the feeling off, I gave a slight laugh and told him, “I think she likes you.”

Logan strode my way with the swagger back in his step that had been missing last night when he left me in the bathroom. “You think?”

I reached for the cup of coffee he offered me. “You’re afraid of her.” It wasn’t a question. “You don’t have to be.”

He sipped from his cup. “I wouldn’t say I was afraid. It’s just that I’ve never been around babies.”

“I see.” I looked up and right into his eyes.

Out of nowhere, his lips pressed to mine.

The kiss he gave me was unexpected. It was sweet. I liked it. Clementine seemed to like it too, because she grabbed for his lips.

Shock tore through him and I had to laugh again as she twisted her fingers in his mouth.

Logan gently pulled them away. “She probably shouldn’t do that.” He wrinkled his nose. “You know, germs and all.”

I chewed on my lip to stop from laughing. There were two ways to look at it, after all, and I didn’t want to tell him but I was certain worse things had been in her hands.

He pointed his finger at me. “Don’t say it,” he said, grinning.

With a shrug, I set my coffee down and walked into the bathroom to grab the diaper bag.

“Does Clementine eat regular food?” he asked. “I ordered eggs, pancakes, and toast.”

I glanced over my shoulder. “Yes, she does. Let me change her and we’ll be right out.”

He nodded. “There’s a whole pot of hot coffee, too.”

I smiled at him. He smiled back. When I turned around with Clementine on my hip, he had just reached the door.

His smile widened when we appeared back in the bedroom and he gave a slight wave before walking out. It might have been for Clementine, but I returned it.

I don’t know why.

He slid his tongue around his lips in a heated response.

And my heart skipped a beat.

Logan disappeared into the next room and I set the baby down, all the while my pulse aflutter. Before I changed her, I took a few deep breaths and then sipped on my coffee to try to calm it down.

What was this thing between us?

I wasn’t about to overanalyze it, but I knew we needed to eventually talk about it. Something was causing him to war with his emotions, and he should know that he didn’t have to worry about me.

I wasn’t looking to attach myself to him.

I wasn’t looking to attach myself to anyone.

Once I’d changed Clementine, I decided to at least brush my teeth, but then I looked at myself and thought a comb would be a good idea too.

The mirror had a crack down the center and I wondered what had happened, but not for long as Clementine led the way into the living room. I had her bag, which contained her sippy cup, the fail-safe Cheerios, and her toys, so she was all set.

Logan was sitting on the couch with what I could only call “old school” Vans up on the table, reading something on his phone. A cart of overflowing food was next to him, along with one of the small cartons of milk he had ordered last night.

He peered up at me.

With his eyes on me, I poured the milk into the cup and made Clementine a plate. I didn’t have a high chair, so I set everything on the coffee table and let her pick at her food while she played. I knew it wasn’t ideal, but it worked and it made her happy.

Once she was settled, I poured myself a hot cup of coffee and added some cream, then took a piece of toast and went to sit on the chair.

Logan patted the seat next to him. “Sit here.”

I shrugged casually, surprised but not. Hot and cold seemed to be the beat in which he breathed. “Okay.”

After I sat, he pulled his feet from the table and leaned forward, turning his head to see me. “So here’s the thing, I’m not really good at anything when it comes to women except fucking.”

I practically spit my coffee out. “That was . . . honest.”

His eyes caught mine and trapped me. Hazel irises that looked more green than brown today had so much more to say than what he had just said.

There was something in them, something that made him the way he was.

I wasn’t one to judge.

The napkin was close and I wiped my mouth. “Logan, I’m attracted to you, and I think I can safely say you’re attracted to me.”

I heard the smile in his voice. “That’s an accurate assumption.”

My words came out very matter-of-factly. “We fucked. If we fuck again, I wouldn’t mind it and if we don’t, that’s life.”

Logan’s gaze darted toward Clementine. “Should we be saying fuck?” He’d lowered his voice to a whisper.

I looked at her happily busying herself transferring the pancake squares I’d put on her plate to the table and then whispered, “Probably not.”

He leaned close to me. “You didn’t let me finish.”

Was he dismissing what I’d just said?

“There’s more to it than that,” he continued.

I put my finger on his lips. “There always is. Thank you for comforting me last night. I’m sorry I lost it on you. There’s just so much going on right now, I’m having a hard time keeping my emotions in check.”

He opened his mouth and licked my finger. “You haven’t mentioned the shower.”

Heat crept up my cheeks from his words.

I was really getting tired of my schoolgirl reaction.

Logan glanced over at Clementine, who was now sitting on the floor with her toys, not paying any attention to us, and crashed his lips to mine. The kiss was short this time but it was rough, sensual, and took my breath away.

I gasped, as that strange feeling coursed its way through me.

“In case you needed reminding,” he added.

I took a few deep breaths and cursed the desire that was running through my veins. No, I certainly didn’t need reminding. I needed more. And now was so not the time to get all hot and bothered. The question was—would there be another? I looked at him. “Has anyone ever told you, Logan McPherson, you’re a contradiction of emotions?”

His expression fell. “More than once.”

Confused by not only my own emotions, but also his, I nodded. “Well, at least we’re on the same page,” I said, and then I stood up. “Do you mind if I take a shower?”

His eyes darted to mine and the heat that I saw in them was almost volcanic. “Yeah, sure,” he managed to say through a voice full of gravel.

His mind was right where mine was—somewhere it couldn’t be right now.

With one hand on my back, I bent to scoop up Clementine.

“You can leave her here. She seems perfectly content playing in between bites of food.”

I looked at him. “You sure?”

“We’ll be fine.” He looked up at me. “And there’s some Advil in my bag on the bathroom vanity if you need one.”

I headed for the bedroom. “Okay. I’ll be quick.”

“Hey,” he called.

I glanced over my shoulder.

“It will happen again.”

For a moment, I was confused.

But then what he meant clicked at the same time he mouthed, “The fucking.”

Shivers ran up my spine as arousal flooded me even more. If the words were meant to be a promise, I found myself looking forward to it. This man was complex and yet I felt I understood him. I didn’t know what drove him, but I knew the multitude of emotions behind his reactions were complicated for a reason. Defense mechanisms of some sort was my guess. I think I got him because he was a lot like me.

As soon as I entered the bathroom, memories from last night, his hands on me, his cock inside me, the way he moved, were everywhere. Once the water was hot and steamy, I stepped in and palmed the bar of soap I knew he had rubbed over his skin. I did it until it lathered and then I smoothed it all over me.

It was odd.

I was certain that we would fuck again, too, but everything else in my life held a chilling uncertainty. The words I had spoken to him were true, though. I wanted to be with him again, but that was all there was to it. I was damaged goods. My father so much as told me that the first time he saw me in the hospital after the surgeries. He had said, “I told you not to do this, Gabrielle. No man will want you now.” I think he might have even had a tear in his eye. It was the only one I ever saw him shed, although I did hear him crying many nights after my mother’s death.

In his own way, he truly believed what he had told me to be true. At the time, I hadn’t believed him, but years later his words rang true with Charlie.

The water cascaded over me and I turned my face into the spray. Once I rinsed all the soap away, I quickly toweled dry and dressed in the running clothes I had thrown in my bag yesterday when I thought I’d be staying at Michael’s. My plan was to get up early and run in the park, but that was before I knew I’d have Clementine with me.

I brushed my hair and pulled it back in a ponytail, then decided the Advil was probably a good idea.

The black toiletry bag sat on the vanity and I opened it. The bottle of Advil was right beside a partially empty box of condoms. An odd wave of jealousy hit me from out of nowhere. That was one emotion I’d never had to deal with.

Where was this coming from?

Logan’s words whispered in my head—“I’m not really good at anything when it comes to women except fucking”—and my fists clenched at my sides. The thought of him with someone else was something I couldn’t think about, whether it was before or after me.

Those kinds of feelings weren’t healthy. Not for me. Not for him. Not for us.

I swallowed the pill in one gulp and turned the bathroom light off. Out of sight, out of mind.

Sunlight gleamed through the bedroom window in abundance. Maybe spring was making an appearance today. I grabbed my phone to check the weather and saw I had a text from Michael telling me he’d be back late afternoon and that he would be stuck in mediation all day. I texted back that Clementine was fine and we’d see him later, and then pulled up the weather app. With the prediction of a sunny, 60-degree-high day, I decided it was a perfect day for a walk in the park.

The living room was quiet and as soon as I walked in, I knew why.

Logan was hovering near Clementine with his shirt pulled up to his nose, exposing those washboard abs I had run my fingers over last night.

I wet my lips at the sight.

It took me a moment to find her, but Clementine was hiding behind one of the chairs, making the noises that I knew only too well.

A soft giggle escaped my throat and caused him to glance up from his vigilance over her.

The look on his face was one of sheer horror. “I don’t understand it. How does something so small smell that vile?”

Laughter rolled through me as I waved him away from her. “She likes to poop in private.”

He raised his hands in defeat. “No problem by me.”

Leaving her alone to let her finish, I started to gather our things.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“Packing up. It’s time for us to go.”

“Elle.”

My gaze shot to him at the sound of my name. I liked the way he said it.

“O’Shea back?”

“No, he texted me that he’d be home late afternoon.”

Logan crossed the room. “I don’t want you going back to his house until he returns.”

Goose bumps rose on my arms under my fleece. “Logan, this has to stop. All of this talk is making me paranoid.”

The most serious hazel eyes stared back at me. “It’s not paranoid if you are in trouble. Your sister, and now Michael, got into bed with the Mob and didn’t deliver. Patrick doesn’t tolerate fuck-ups for any reason. I don’t know the specifics, but there’s a reason O’Shea is still alive, and the only reason I can think of is that it has to do with a shitload of cash flow. And once Patrick secures that pipeline, who the fuck knows what he’s going to do.”

I looked automatically toward Clementine, suddenly fearing for her safety. “Patrick is the Mob boss?” I couldn’t believe I was even having this conversation. “The same Mob your grandfather once headed?” I accused.

His eyes closed as if that fact haunted him, and he gave a slight nod. “Yeah, but things are different now. Patrick Flannigan runs things with his only son, Tommy. They’re both sick bastards and you need to stay clear at any cost.”

This picture Logan painted sounded so dismal. From what Michael had told me, it all sounded so simple. But then again Michael never mentioned the word Mob or Mafia, either.

Hot breath blew across my neck. “We need to figure out if someone was in O’Shea’s house. I’d have already gone there, but if Patrick is watching the house, he can’t know I’m involved.”

Fear bloomed to life within me. This was the two sides coming to a crossroads, and it was clear Logan was on one side and I was on the other. What wasn’t clear was why he was trying to step toward the divide.

He lifted my chin. “Elle.”

My name was spoken again with concern in his voice. Everything about him was incredibly confusing and as I looked into his eyes, I wished it weren’t. “What happens if he finds out?”

“He can’t.”

“And if he does? Will you have to choose sides? Should I be afraid of you?”

Logan inched closer. “What kind of question is that?” he snapped.

“One I need to know the answer to before I spend another minute with you.” I regretted those words the second they left my mouth.

Everything about him went hard. “If you don’t already know the answer to that, then maybe you should just leave now.”

I wasn’t surprised by his response. He’d asked me to trust him and now I was questioning everything about him. It was just that the situation I was finding myself in was nothing any level of preparation could manage, and I couldn’t stand that. I’d endured helplessness with my mother because I was too young to do anything about it. But when I feared for myself, I taught myself how to fight back. This was different. Clementine could be in the car with Michael and he could get run off the road. He could be anywhere, at any time, with her, and out of nowhere danger could strike.

Clementine pulled on my pants.

I hadn’t even realized she’d moved beside me.

I looked down.

“Don,” Clementine cooed.

Which was her way of saying “done.”

I picked her up. “Okay, silly girl, let’s get you changed.”

My eyes softened of their own volition as I glanced back at Logan. “You have to understand the situation I am finding myself in isn’t only about me,” I glanced at my niece. “Maybe I shouldn’t have said that, but you need to see things from my point of view.”

His demeanor made me want to reach out to him, but I didn’t. We had to trust each other; it wasn’t one-sided. He was going to have to realize that.

“I’m going to go change Clementine and then take her for a walk in the park. No one knows I’m here. I’ll be safe. If you want me to leave, I’ll put our things in my car. If not, then when I get back we can head over to the boutique and see if the opener is in my other bag.”

Logan grabbed for my hand and looked at me for a few moments. “Look, I’m sorry, but I had to warn you. It was time you understood just how serious this is.”

I didn’t want to sound as scared as I was, so I went for strong. “I think I’m well aware of just how serious this is, but there’s more to it.” I looked at Clementine. “I’m not only responsible for myself here.”

“I know that.” His voice dipped low.

My body was trembling as my strength diminished, but I clung to it and crossed the room quickly. I had to get out of that room. Away from Logan. Behind the closed door of the bedroom, I set Clementine down and found myself crumpling to the bed.

What had my sister done?

Where was she?

Did she know her child was in danger?

Anger flared up inside me, and it was what I needed to pull myself together.

I had to make sure Clementine would be safe.

I didn’t need a man messing with my head.

I’d avoided it too long to let it happen now.