Текст книги "Both of Her"

Автор книги: Kathy Coopmans

Соавторы: Alisa Mullen
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Текущая страница: 4 (всего у книги 13 страниц)

FIVE

I am starting to think I might only work four days a week when I have my weekend getaways. This Monday morning shit is for the birds and certainly not Luca West. This particular Monday, I am not ready for the office, not one bit. Heath was so impossibly fantastic that quite possibly a small tear came to my eye when the plane lifted off the ground back to my home – a city that Heath certainly did not know I lived in.

Colin is quiet on the drive to the office because he knows. I mean, he doesn’t really know, but it probably doesn’t escape him that every time I return from a trip, I’m gloomy. He might think it has to do with the weather, but hell, it happens during the summer months, too. I ask him to repeat sad songs on his playlist. Right now, Radiohead sings about being plastic and I can’t help but wonder if what I do in my wonderful spare time is fake and stupid. I’ll be honest, I was utterly smitten by Heath. Carl got it just right this time, and damn if I didn’t wish I had picked up his cell right before we left the room to call myself. The damn thing was locked up, of course.

Eighty-five floors up to Divider Marketing isn’t a long enough elevator ride so I purposely take an extra moment before I step off the lift. Immediately, Annie’s radiant Monday morning smile welcomes me back. Before I hold up my hand to tell her I need at least two cups of coffee and thirty minutes, she produces a tall cup of Starbucks coffee from behind the receptionist desk and hands it to me.

“I know you need your coffee and requisite time to settle, but Mitch and Leo got a call from the owner of Steel Charter this weekend. He asked for a meeting for tomorrow afternoon. Those two are going nuts with the planning team and well, it isn’t pretty,” she exhales deeply, a frown replacing he smile.

I stare at her blankly and again ponder asking for a four day work week instead of this faux emergency bull shit. Everyone should know by now that Divider Marketing will blow the socks off prospective clients whether we have five months or five minutes preparation time. It’s a standard presentation. We formulated and perfected the proverbial thirty second elevator speech back when we started.

“Have they pulled up the template on the initial consult meeting?” I ask, as I look through the pile of envelopes she hands me. We walk through the hall toward my office and I hear the guys either bouncing a basketball or a fucking rock against a wall somewhere in the office. “Will they ever fucking grow up?” I bark out.

“Never,” she deadpans. I look over at her with a small grin. At least I have Annie. She is sometimes the only one who understands my frustration in regards to working with two nerdy, yet stuck up children. What am I saying? She’s always there to keep me from pulling my hair out, and I love my hair.

So did Heath. I picture him smiling softly at me as he raked his fingers through my strands the morning before. His low humming reminded me of a sexy Eddie Vedder and when I asked him to sing a few bars of what he was humming, I wasn’t surprised that a cross between Eddie and Sting came effortlessly from his vocal cords.

“Luca? You okay?” Annie looks at me with concern etched into her pretty features.

I nod. “Oh, yeah. I just had a long plane ride last night. I could’ve used a few more hours of sleep.” I half lie. I hardly slept all damn weekend. I am utterly worn out.

She nods in agreement as if she knows exactly what I’m feeling. Yeah, honey, I love you and all, but I doubt you know what two nights of continuous fucking hard and fast feels like. I give her an appeasing smile, because I am not going to argue my point for obvious reasons.

Mitch and Leo are like two attention starved puppies as they ramble their way down the hall to meet me right outside of my office. I swear their tongues are even hanging out. I force myself not to roll my eyes, but dammit, I really want to.

“Luca, thank God you’re back. We have a big, big, big presentation tomorrow. Steel Charter is going to be a massive ten year campaign and they need us to have go to applications as soon as possible,” Mitch nearly pants out. Good Lord, maybe I need to rename my co-workers to go along with their personalities. Dog names, of course.

“Yes, Mitchell, I heard,” I say in my borderline formal, with a touch of sarcasm tone. Annie stifles a laugh and Leo throws up his hands without saying a word. “Good morning, by the way. My weekend was fabulous and yours?”

Hey, I try. If I am going to be in the office, putting out their imaginary fires, I need to feel like I am appreciated for more than my ability to fucking calm these people down. It’s like they’ve never had a first meeting before.

“Annie, since these guys aren’t going to chill out, please print off the master template for first meetings with the application addendum. Also, we will need conference room one for two hours,” I say in a brisk no nonsense voice.

“You got it.”

“Oh, and we need chocolate. Muffins, bread, whatever.” I dismiss her with a wave of my hand.

She gives me a tight smile and nods curtly. What the fuck was that? They put me in this dictatorial position. They need to at least appreciate that my head was able to get into the game before checking my morning emails. Heath may have found me somehow and wanted to profess his undying love for me. I sigh. I’m a joke.

I huff out a breath and just as the two doggies looking for a bone start to yap more at me, I shut the door to my office for a short respite.

“Thank God I didn’t put my coffee down,” I say out loud to no one. I take a long gulp from the cup and let out a sigh of relief. Popping off the closed door, I head to my computer and boot it up. Flashes of Heath above, below, and all around me are like strobe lights in my mind. When was the last time I thought of a man this much after a mindless weekend of sex?

My mind went to Camden, the first man who ever taught me about this unconventional life. He was an older man by at least ten years, although I never truly got his age. It took quite a few months for me to quit looking him up and well, looking for him everywhere. That might have been the last time I was truly obsessed with a man. Heath was a lot like him in some ways. The way they were both so focused on me one hundred percent of the time. Not all the men I’d met on the weekends cared fully about my pleasure. Men tried to be considerate, of course, but once the jewelry and spa arrangements were made, it was no secret that I was in their domain, and that was something I thought about often. If there was a way that I might gain some control, even with the perks they afforded me, I had yet to figure it out. There I go with the word control again. It both scared and thrilled me at the same time.

The truth is, I enjoyed every moment of my time with Heath. Begging him when he asked me to. Letting him tie my arms to his bed, while sliding a vibrator into my pussy before he fucked my mouth. I came more times this past weekend than I could count. I thought heavily on the plane trip home, deciding the only place I need to regain and be in control is in my boardroom. If a man can do to me the things Heath did, then control will no longer be mine in the bedroom.

Camden wasn’t like that. Heath wasn’t like that either. They needed to know what else they could do to make sure I was in heaven.

Heaven.

I was in heaven all weekend and now, I was in a place of limbo. Fuck, I need to get my ass to work. After perusing my emails to find nothing from Heath or even Carl about a feedback session, a small knock came to my door. Annie popped her head in.

“Everything you requested is all set up and the guys are already in the conference room. If you want a chocolate chip scone, you might want to hurry.” She smiled. That was more like it.

“Okay, let’s do this,” I say, standing and flattening my skirt with my hands.

I walk into the conference room and close the door to the rest of the office and the rest of my world. I sit down with my two oldest friends and begin to listen to every element of Steel Charter that we can market. Quickly, I become Luca, the multi-millionaire co-founder of Divider Marketing. After all is said and done, I love my job and these guys. I can’t imagine working any place else or doing anything else.

Mitch begins to outline the tactics we will take the next afternoon when we met with Mr. C.I. Steel. Not recognizing his name, I grab my iPad from my briefcase and type in Steel Charter. A smiling photo of an older man in a bomber jacket looks back at me.  He looks so familiar, I think to myself. I tap the screen and zoom in on the photo, trying to place his face. A lover perhaps? He didn’t look like any of the men I had been with in the past few months.

As I reach for my Starbucks coffee, the floor falls out from underneath me as it finally hits me. C.I. Steel.

Camden. Older, more attractive, and obviously wealthy now.

Camden. The man looking back at me on the iPad screen was the person who made me who I am today.

Fuck. My. Life.

SIX

My quick exit from the conference room didn’t even registered with Mitch and Leo, who kept on talking like my life wasn’t on a cliff about to be tossed over to its ugly demise. I try for a full breath and fail.

Annie is sitting at her colleague’s desk when I make my way out of the conference room, and it looks as if they are having a little office gossip powwow. This only makes me feel sicker since I can’t tell my friend about Camden. She knows nothing, I think to myself. None of them know anything about the real person I am. She would never understand my panic if I tried to explain it to her.

No one will, except for Lola.

That weekend I spent with Camden was so damn beautiful, I couldn’t help telling someone about it when I got back to NYU. Lola had a few courses with me and people always got our names mixed up in class. We helped them along by becoming tight friends. It had been months since I talked to Lola, because she has been busy with her up and coming fashion business in Manhattan. It was nothing like Divider by any means when it comes to the levels we work on. Financially, they were in completely different leagues, but Lola’s family wealth helped her keep her business afloat and probably would for as long as she wanted.

After sending Annie an exasperated smile, I head to the ladies restroom, and pull my phone out of my coat pocket.

“Answer the damn phone, L,” I growl out.

“Hey bitch. What has it been – like fucking months?” Lola’s boisterous voice comes over the line.

“Months. Fucking months,” I shoot back. “I need you, Lola.”

I hear the phone rustling and the background noise that was there when I first called goes completely silent as Lola takes a deep breath.

“Speak to me.” Her tone is no bullshit, exactly what I need.

“Camden has an appointment with the guys and me tomorrow, L. Camden, the beautiful pilot that turned my life upside down. You remember him, right?” I am grasping into the past, hoping she remembers.

“Jesus, girl, how could I forget? You were obsessed with planes and airports for years. But wow, he’s actually going to be in your office?”

“Yes,” I hiss out. I place my palm on my forehead and wonder for a moment if I am coming down with a virus. Everything feels so hot and uncomfortable. I can’t get out of my own damn skin but I know the one thing that will help.

Heath’s face flashes through my mind and I am momentarily struck into some awareness of missing him again. But fuck, Camden is coming.

“Well, what do you want from him? Do you want to meander down memory lane with the guy?”

I think about the days I spent in bed with Camden and my mind flashes back to the things he did to my body, all brand new techniques to me at the time. He was simply incredible.

“I don’t know. I don’t even want to be in the meeting, Lola. I want to wear a wig, bottle cap glasses, and maybe some dentures.” I am flailing and I need a fucking grip.

Lola’s laughter bellows through the phone and I roll my eyes. Fucking great. I am having a freaking meltdown and my professional manhandling friend wants to make me her favorite comedian.

“I’m not laughing,” I maddeningly say.

“Right,” she coughs and clears her throat. “Of course you aren’t. Okay, so I think the whole dentures thing is quite frankly…a little diva dramatic. Don’t get me wrong, it’s an excellent story to tell the grandkids one day, but I’m imagining from your statement that you don’t want Camden to know who you are.”

I think about that for a few moments and decide that she is right. I don’t want him to recognize me. Not only would it be totally embarrassing to my geeky partners, but what if he asks me out, and I end up having to do that whole dating thing like normal people do.

From what everyone in this world knows about me, Luca West is not normal.

“I concur. Do you think he will recognize me?”

“Not if you do something subtle to your appearance. Wear man’s clothes. Don’t do your hair like normal. Be a butch.”

“Act like a lesbian?” My mouth is gaping open and I can feel it becoming drier with each passing second.

“Yes.” Lola enunciates the Y and the S like it is the answer that all kneeling men in the world pray for when they are holding up that engagement ring box.

“Okay.” I draw the word out. “Butch clothes. Like lesbian fashion?”

“Exactly,” she says so quickly, it sounds like a one syllable word. “Except, I know a lot of chicks who play for our side and are very attractive. You can do this, Luca. It’s so easy.” She is completely excited and for some reason, it feels like this story will be the one I will tell the grandkids. Well, not that I am having any grandkids, let alone kids. It’s that proverbial thing people do to act all philosophical and shit.

As I start to think more about it, I feel the absurd trembling start to calm and notice my brain is actively thinking about what I will need to pull off the type of outfit Lola is telling me to wear.

“I really think that might work. I’ll be disguised just enough for Camden, yet not over the top. The office will think I have a hangover or went temporarily blind,” I say, tapping my freshly manicured finger to my chin. “The question is, what will I wear and where the hell do I get the outfit?”

“Two words. Good. Will.” Lola is totally serious as she waits for my reply. I stop to think about her sentence and again, I feel my eyes rolling.

I decide to let her Goodwill idea puncture my brain and immediately it fires back out. “There’s no fucking way I’m going to Goodwill to buy my outfit. I mean, Jesus. Are we even talking about the same place? I can be frumpy, but damn, I don’t want to be church.”

Lola snorts on the other line. “Did you just say church?”

“Yeah,” I draw out. “Haven’t you ever heard the expression ‘it’s church’ in relation to an outfit? Sometimes I wonder which one of us is in the fashion industry.”

“Oh please, girl. I know the saying. It’s just funny to hear it coming from you, but I suppose you having a personal shopper does help a lady of your lifestyle needs.”

Burn.

Did she just insult me?

“Okay, I think I want to cut a bitch. I’m so glad I called good ole Lola. Remind me to print a picture of you, so I can tack it on to my dart board.”

Lola is laughing. Shit, does this girl ever not laugh? I am smiling, wide and bright thinking of Lola, because when all is said and done, I miss my friend. She really knows me and while this is our first talk in months, it feels like just yesterday we were doing body shots in Manhattan with a male stripper and his friend, the porn star. Don’t even ask what we were doing that particular night.

“Say, how’s that guy you were dating back when I came to Manhattan last?” I ask, remembering the whole reason for the outrageous events of that evening.

“Simon? Um… we’re still seeing each other.” Lola’s tone is dull and has zero enthusiasm.

“Sounds…promising.” It doesn’t. She sounds like she is telling me what type of food she gave to her fish this morning. Boring, bland, and without thought.

“Excuse me, Ms. Lucia for not having the balls to follow in my college bestie’s footsteps and date wealthy men for great sex and shit.” She snorts again and it reminds me of why I’ve never given Carl her name. She snorts and well, the end.

“So, I have to get back to the meeting or the boys will think I left town again. Before I go, what should I do about the clothes?”

I can practically hear Lola thinking through the phone. She is the kind of girl that actually buzzes when she is thinking. I wait for her reply and can’t help but roll my eyes at this situation once more.

Camden, the pilot, will be in my office in twenty-four hours and I will be wearing…what?

“Oh! I’ve got it. Go down a few floors to the law offices of like insurance law or something boring. The old ladies working there are probably still dressing for the eighties. Take pictures incognito and send them over. I’ll overnight you clothes as long as you get them to me by two o’clock.”

“Really? You will?”

“Yeah, I can’t let you do frumpy without me, but I must have a picture of their styles. I’m sure I can wrestle some homeless women up here for their clothes.” She snorts again.

“You’re the best. I promise to take you to the best fondue dinner in the entire world when I see you next,” I croon out.

“Ooh, yes please. I need photos and I’ll get clothes to you by nine tomorrow morning.”

“You fucking rock,” I say with a sigh.

“I know. Who wants to cut a bitch now?” she asks.

I hang up on her and head straight for the elevator to take my pictures without offering a reply.

SEVEN

Lola is a fashion genius. Well, that’s debatable seeing as she had to outfit me in the ugliest clothes ever, but yeah, she nailed it. After finding several women to model their fantastically frumpy outfits yesterday, I sent over at least twenty photos to Lola. She had them thirty minutes after I ended our phone call and she promised me to get right to work at finding me the best ugly outfit ever. I went back to the conference room to find the guys hadn’t even fucking noticed I was gone. I proceeded to take charge of their stupid disagreement about fonts on the actual application worksheet, and pretty much designed the entire presentation with little help from them.

I love these guys and they are priceless when it comes to implantation, but the marketing presentations are my babies. Yes, as the parents, they have to sit in with me, but I am their sole care provider. Too much metaphor? Who cares? I am tired and look like I am swimming in plaid wool.

I boot up my computer, trying to forget the looks from everyone I encountered on my way in, starting with Colin and ending with Annie. I was throwing everyone off and wasn’t allowed to say one single word. I didn’t have time to explain to people that there was a possibility that my personal life may be made public today. Camden is my ticket to fucking up my professional image.

A knock startles me out of my reverie and I look up to see Annie in my doorway.

“What’s with the grandmother outfit today?” she asks¸ a little teasing in her eyes.

“Call it a social experiment and that’s all.” I punctuate my response with a look that says don’t fuck with me. I don’t want anyone bringing up the fact that I look different in front of Camden Steel.

“Right. Well, here are a few phone messages from this morning. Also, the guys are in the conference room already, preparing their presentation for the meeting at one this afternoon.”

I place my hands over my stomach, I am going to puke. How the fuck am I going to sit through this meeting without staring at Camden like a dog or pretending he isn’t there at all? I have to find a balance between the two, without making eye contact and everyone knows if you avoid eye contact there is no way you will seal a business deal. People watch eyes for trust and confidence and I was lacking both today, granted, no one else was privy to that. Just me. In my own personal hell.

I am distracted as I return phone calls and write up the company memo about the upcoming in house conferences we provide for our team. Leo and Mitch were all about team building activities, so every spring we hold a week long faux holiday for our employees. Lunch, activities, and half days are provided for them. Do to our company structure, our turnover rate is nearly perfect. Our employees will be here for the long haul, with the exception of birth and death. I briefly wonder if I will lose my job when people realize I’m a high quality hooker.

No, I’m not a hooker. I don’t take money. I don’t take money.

The phone on my desk rings twice and I know what it is. My lunch hour is over and it’s time to face Camden

Here goes nothing, I say to myself as I leave my office. I think of my mother’s quote about women being like fish. If I keep my damn mouth shut, I won’t get in trouble. That’s exactly what I’ll do. I’ll be a fucking fish.

I arrive at the door of the conference room, take the biggest breath I’ve ever taken, and pull the door open. Three sets of eyes look up to me. I plaster a smile on my face and quickly make eye contact with my two friends and then the old friend that I spent an incredible few days with many years ago. I do a double take to see he is walking toward me with a hand outstretched.

He is much older than he was the last time I saw him, and while he is still attractive, I feel nothing as he comes closer to me. Every time I spent thinking about this very moment was a waste because there’s no chemistry. Not anymore and not for me. Part of me is relieved and I instantly know that I can do this. I can pull off this meeting as Luca, not Lucia, and he will never know a frigging thing.

“Ms. West, I presume,” Camden says as he approaches me. No, he doesn’t recognize me. He looks at my clothes and dismisses me. I have an awkward look on my face, almost like I am constipated but smiling at him with excitement; like a full on geek, nerd, socially inept wannabee CEO of the biggest freak club in Chicago. It’s great. He has no idea who I am, and since I am about to fake a bad coughing fit to leave these two idiots to finish the meeting, there won’t be much more to this little reunion…ever…again.

“Hello Mr. Steel. Good to meet you. I hope you like coffee and donuts,” I say flippantly and walk to my seat, far, far away from pilot man. As I grab a croissant, I catch the guys looking at me and while I see them looking off kilter most days, it takes me a moment to observe their complete lack for words, expressions, or anything else as they take me in. Surely, they think they just saw a ghost.

“Yes, thank you,” Camden says, pulling me out of my quick staring match with Mitch and Leo. I’m so going to be up to my eyeballs in explaining. I assure myself that after I leave this office, Lola will be getting a long phone call to help me with the story I’ll tell my friends about my wardrobe change. We never discussed that the day before and I am losing steam on creativity right now. I’m even disappointing myself on this. Normally, I am such a great actress. It seems I can only tap into my naughty side. I sigh at the thought.

So be it.

“So, gentlemen. Should we begin?” I raise my eyebrows at Mitch and Leo. I quickly flash my eyes over to Camden, who is already looking through the print outs, totally oblivious to the alternate universe we are living in at this moment.

“Right. Yes, Mr. Steel, my partners and I came up with a top marketing strategy that’s both in line with your company’s needs as well as the twenty-first century.”

Mitch is quite interesting to listen to. Why haven’t I ever really paid attention to his marketing pitches before? Oh yeah, because I was always dreaming about jewelry and fucking. I feel like a completely inadequate friend. Then, I think back to Heath and warmth spreads through the apex of my legs and I’m fully aroused just thinking of my time with him. Fuck me. I’m finally reconnected with the man that made me the girl I am, trying to play now you see me, now you don’t at the same time, and I want another man who I will absolutely never, not once, see again.

“Luca?” Leo says my name and I quickly look up. “You’re going to talk to us about the smart phone application for Steel Charter clients.”

I know what the fuck I am going to talk about. Jesus.

“Of course I am.” I smile. “Mr. Steel, I believe that we went over the statistics of smart phone usage over the last week globally in section A of this proposal. There was a reason for that, because people love their smart phones. When questioned, some people said that if their tablet or device was ever lost, they would consider suicide.” I hold up my hands as he chuckles. “Their words, not mine,” I say.

And now is the time in this little game I like to call, choke the ever– loving fuck out of myself.

I quickly take a sip of coffee, purposely inhaling an itty bitty portion of it, and it begins. Boy, I play it up. I am quite possibly the most wretched, loud choker that ever lived. I am red and splotchy, bending myself over in the chair. All three men are up, trying to help but I won’t let them anywhere near me. I feel the cough leaving me and damn, time to go.

I put my hand over my mouth and plead with Leo, water starting to flow from my eyes right before I book it for the conference room door. I’m safe. Oh God, I’m safe. Thank God. I am so brilliant. I am so God damn brilliant.

I make my way to my office, shut the door and lock it, before lying down on my love seat.

I am safe. No more Camden. No more ugly outfits. No more losing my shit over nothing.

I ignore every single knock and phone call for the rest of the day. They are probably all thinking I’m having a meltdown for totally botching that presentation, but whatever. Steel Charter was never going to become our client.

***

My office phone reads six o’clock. I quietly close up my computer and make my way to my door. Just as I am closing it behind me, Mitch comes around the corner, looking happier than I’ve ever seen him and I really don’t get it. He should be completely pissed at me, but no, he is in pep rally mode and I am confused.

“I was just about to break down the door to get to you. We got the contract, Luca!” He is beaming as he tells me this. I can’t help but smile before I realize just exactly what he is talking about.

“He picked Divider?” I ask as the astonishment and fright claim every single molecule in my body. Everything is shutting down and I am becoming numb.

“Hell yeah, he did! One caveat, though. His partner wasn’t able to make it this morning. I guess he owns another business and could only get an afternoon flight to Chicago. We are signing the papers over dinner. Come on, they are waiting for us in the conference room.”

My feet won’t move and I can’t breathe. What the mother fucking god damn shit ton of stupid bull shit is he talking about?

“Why didn’t anyone tell me?” I ask, completely horrified.

He rolls his eyes precisely the way I always do, throwing a little shoulder action in.

“You’ve been in a hole all day, remember? I finally realized I had an extra key to your office when you came out. Come on, they’re waiting.”

My stomach is in my throat as I follow Mitch like a little puppy dog. I try to think of all the ways to get out of here without any bodily harm to myself. I can’t think. I can’t breathe. I can’t…

I can’t believe what I am seeing as we round the corner. In my receptionist area, my eyes fall on the man that gave me days of exquisite love making, mind blowing orgasms, and dreams of being every day since our separating. I am speechless and sick and excited and about to scream.

“Luca, meet Heath Landon. He’s my business partner. Heath, this is the lovely Luca West,” Camden introduces us and immediately steps back for us to do our obligatory greeting.

No one moves as Heath and I stare at each other with an undeniable shock. The shock that the man I was dreaming about all day long is Camden’s partner has me stuttering in all that I am and do.

This is not my real life. No, this is a god damn comedy film starring Luca West as “Lucia – what the fuck do I do now? – Westwood.” However no is laughing at this funny movie. No one is even smiling.

Every set of eyes in the room are trained on me. I am a professional woman, who for the first time in my career, is left speechless, unable to form a sentence. This is not me. None of this is.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Heath tenderly takes hold of my shaky hand. I’m stunned. He kisses my hand the  exact same way as he did when we met days earlier. That same dynamism of stimulation migrates south just as it had the first time.

“You as well.” Awareness sneaks up on me, telling me to get my shit together. I will have to wait and freak the hell out later. I’ll book a sudden trip to see my parents, take the trip with Carl, and dump this entire account on the guys. Yes! Brilliant idea, they can take it over. I will find a way to make that happen and both men disappear. Mitch, Leo, and Annie will understand when I tell them the truth. My non-judgmental friends will dig me out of the mud hole I have dug for myself.

“Luca, are you alright?” Annie leans into me while the four men leisurely stroll down the hall to negotiate a contract. I’m left dumbstruck. No one, and I mean no one, decides as quickly as these two did about putting his dream so quickly in someone else’s hands. Does Camden know who I am? My stomach plummets into my throat before dropping straight to my toes. Up and down repeatedly. There’s no way these two men would actually conduct business this way.

This coincidence with Camden and Heath is no coincidence at all. I’m suddenly sick. I dart to my bathroom without answering Annie. I brace myself over the toilet, hyperventilating. My body shakes from the inside out.

“Oh my fucking god, this cannot be happening. They know each other.”

I lean over the toilet, dry heaving until my eyes water. The word control is now consuming my mind. I’ve lost it, I have no control left. Not even in the only place I ever felt safe. My office. My company.