Текст книги "Both of Her"

Автор книги: Kathy Coopmans

Соавторы: Alisa Mullen
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Текущая страница: 13 (всего у книги 13 страниц)

TWENTY -THREE

 

When Annie died that one night, about three weeks ago, I tried to start counting the days I’ve been here at the farm with Colin. I count twenty-three so far. Each day is a bit better and a bit more hopeless. He is mostly good and happy to me, but then he has little tantrums and he will cut some part of my body. My carefully thought out plan about trying to kill Colin has been demolished. I’m trapped. Every time he cuts me I grow weaker. Slowly to begin knocking on the devil’s door, to begin my life in eternal hell.

We go through a ritual of cleaning and bandaging the wounds. He gives me a bath with classical music, bubbles, and candles. I throw a bit of a hysterical fit and then he has to drug me. It’s all very systematic. This is my new life.

I have come to realize that I am in Iowa. Colin’s grandparents were dairy farmers and when they died back in the 1990s, no one wanted the farm. It sits on hundreds of acres of land. The kicker is they were his step-grandparents, so they didn’t even share in his last name. No one will be able to trace me here, even if the police find out Colin took me.

I have absolutely no idea what happened to Heath. My best thought is he made it a mile out into the fields, dropped, and died of the cold and his wounds. If he got anywhere, I know for a fact the police would have asked him about me. I know in my heart he would have said something to them, even if he hates every little inch of me.

I try not to think about the sex I have with Colin. It never lasts long and where it isn’t the most terrible sex I’ve ever had, it is wretched because I don’t want it, even though I pretend I do. It’s all part of this exhausting play I am preforming for him and God, I don’t know how much longer I can do it. I want my life back. I want my apartment, I want my job, and I want Camden. If by some miracle he is alive, he will never want me again after the things I have done, the sexual fantasies Colin has had me play out with him. I scrub my body nearly raw after each time, trying to rid myself of the experience.

Dread bubbles up in my chest, because deep down inside, I know Camden is dead. If he was alive, he’d be here, finding me, and saving me. But he isn’t. No one comes for me. Day after day, while Colin goes to the store or out to do something for our life together, I look for televisions, radios, anything I can find in the house to give me a gateway out, but there is nothing. This place might as well be in the middle of the 1800s.

Days and days go by and my hope dwindles even more as my body continues to heal after each cut Colin gives me. He is proud with his cutting. He sees them as some form of love bites. Love cuts. It’s fucking dysfunctional insanity. I have near constant panic attacks about when he will cut me again rather when he will want to fuck. That just goes to show how fucking awful it is. He’s sick, twisted, distorted, and he’s killing me slowly. My body is marred just like he said he would do. I hate him. But, I hate myself even more.

My mom and dad have to know everything now. The thought of them suffering in any way haunts me every night when I close my eyes and try to sleep with the smell of unwanted sex lingering in the air. The repulsive taste of Colin’s lips on mine. His scent all over me. Sleep vaguely comes. I drift in and out every night with thoughts of my family and friends. I want to die. To end my life by my own hands as a means to an end.

Colin has gone to the store once again to get more bandages and alcohol. I’m not sure when I last ate a full meal. I wake up, have sex, he cuts me, he bandages me up, we have sex again, and sometime during the day, I eat noodles and he makes me drink alcohol until I pass out. When he goes to the store, however, I am afforded some time to go a little crazy about how the hell to get the fuck out of here.

I am staring out the kitchen window at the brown, cold landscape, day dreaming. If I can even call it that. I wonder what he did with Annie’s body. I wonder, again, how far Heath made it before he dropped. Then, like seeing a lake in the middle of a desert, I see a blue sedan flying down the country road toward the house. Colin doesn’t drive a sedan. He drives the farm truck while the limo sits behind the barn. As the car comes closer, I see a little red light streaming on and off, like a siren, but it’s inside on the dashboard of the car.

As the car comes closer, my breath hitches and I start to freak out. Either this person is here for Colin or they are here for me. I go to the silverware drawer to grab a knife, but there aren’t any. Mother fucker got rid of everything I might use to hurt him. I grab a plastic fork and laugh at how it won’t do a God damn thing to help me live if this guy isn’t here to save me.

The man jumps out of the car with a clipboard. He is wearing a polka dot tie and a corduroy blazer. He looks like an old English professor. As he walks toward the porch to the front door, I know he isn’t here for Colin or me. This is a random visit from someone looking for something else.

I don’t waste a moment. Running out the door, I jump on him.

“Help me. God, fucking help me. He’s keeping me here against my will. He killed two people. Help me. Please,” I scream. I can’t stop. I’m crying. I’m out of control.

The guy looks at me like he’s just seen a homicide. He slowly backs away from me.

“No, no, no. Please. Don’t leave. Please. Just let me…let me use your phone. Let me give you a phone number to call. You’ll see. I was kidnapped weeks ago from Chicago. People are looking for me.”

“Miss, I’m just a Census Bureau worker. I’m here to see if this farm is still in working order. I don’t know anything about your business with your family. I just have some questions about the animals you have here on the farm.”

Is he fucking serious? Did he not just hear what I said about being a fucking missing person?

“Fine. I’ll tell you everything you need to know if I can just use your phone,” I say. I try to remain calm, but everything in me is dying. I look up at the road every five seconds to be sure I don’t see the truck coming. “Please, do it quick before he comes back. He will shoot you. He will fucking stab you if he comes. Please. Let me use the phone.”

The guy looks at me with a dubious expression. “Is this some kind of joke?” he laughs. He pulls out a cell phone and I snatch it out of his hand with all my energy.

One fucking bar. He barely has any service. I send a quick prayer up to the Gods of cell phone service and start to punch in the numbers.

It takes forever to connect, but it does. Oh my God. It’s ringing.

“Hello?” her voice is strained. She sounds so tired and sad.

“Lola. It’s Luca. Help me. Oh God, please help me.”

“Luca!” she screams. “Where are you? Where the fuck are you?”

“God damn it, where am I?” I ask the man.

He looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. After a pause, he looks down at the clipboard in his hands and points.

“Off Heritage Road in Holly Oak, Iowa. It’s the only farm on the road. Help me, Lola. Help. Please. He’s hurting me every day. I can’t get away. I’m too weak.”

That’s when both of us hear the approaching car coming down the road. Everything is again in slow motion. “Please come quick. He’s coming right now and I don’t know what he’s going to do.”

I give the man back his phone.

“Act like you never talked to me. Act like there hasn’t been any answer to your knocking. Act dumb. When you get back to a town, please, please send the police.”

I hurry back inside and head into the bathroom to draw a bath. I quickly undress so it looks like I was in the tub the whole time. I am shaking so badly, I can hardly breathe right.

I hear Colin outside and he’s arguing with the man. Please, old man, please go away and don’t act like I’m in here. I strip down and look at the body I no longer recognize. It looks like I got caught up in a food processor. The raised cuts all over my stomach and legs make me want to cry and yet, I have to pretend to know nothing right now. What the hell am I going to do when he gets in here?

Colin slams through the bathroom door just as I am easing into the hot water. I look up with the fakest smile I can muster.

“Hey, babe. How was town? Did you get that champagne I love?”

He knows I know something, because he is seething. It is then that I notice he is holding a big knife and it has blood on it. My face drops when I see little bloody droplets bounce onto the linoleum floor of the bathroom.

“I think you are done with your bath now,” he deadpans. He knows I talked to that man, because I’ve never seen his face like this before. It’s do or die time. That is what his face is telling me and fuck, fuck, fuck, I am going to die.

I gradually get up from the bath and start to go for a towel when Colin sternly shakes his head. I look up into his eyes and I go so cold. He grabs my arm and forces me out of the bathroom. He walks me through the kitchen and out through the porch, where I see the man lying on the ground, writhing in pain. Oh, thank God, he isn’t dead, but he can’t help me now. The police won’t come anytime soon and if Lola heard me, she won’t be here for hours or know where exactly to send help to.

I don’t have hours. I have a few minutes. Maybe not even that long.

I walk completely naked and freezing to the barn. He takes me to a different stall than I’d been in before. There is a cross like structure with chains and leather bands. He pushes me up against it and I start to freak out.

“No, please, Colin. Please. I’m so cold, please. I don’t want to be out here all alone. Please, don’t do this. I’ll do anything you ask me to do.”

“Shut up, bitch! You told that man you were here against your will! How could you disappoint me and do that to us? We’ve been so happy these past few weeks! How could you? You’ve broken my heart before, but this? This is unforgivable. It’s time you had your end punishment.” Colin is so enraged; I can’t get a word in. He won’t let me try to talk to him. Like a robot, he chains me up. He bands my ankles, grabbing something from the corner of the stall, and in seconds, I feel a sharp cut across my chest.

He is whipping me so hard and fast that I can’t take a breath before he whips me again. Tears and blood fall from my body as I cry out each time the whip connects with my wet, naked body.

Suddenly, everything goes quiet and the abuse stops. I slowly lift my head to see Colin. His face is white, the absolute shocked expression it holds makes me wince.

I blink a few times to take in what is happening. I see blood coming out of his neck, a knife still piercing his skin. That’s when I see the old man behind him with a strange look on his face. Before I can fully comprehend what happened, both men fall to the ground.

A few minutes pass before everything around me starts fading in and out. I welcome the blissful blackness.

TWENTY – FOUR

 

Camera flashes are everywhere. Coming from all angles, men and women alike are photographing my body. There are people in suits, in uniforms, and then there are people just staring at my body.

My body.

It’s whipped, cut, starved, dehydrated, and obviously a crime scene.

My eyes find Colin on the ground. He is clearly dead. I let out a long exhale before I feel the burning pain again. The blackness takes me under against the stern command to stay awake. It is too hard to live. I’d rather die.

Oh my god. I’m going to die. I just know it. I need help. Don’t tie me down. Don’t leave me trapped in here. He’s killed two people. I saw them. Dead. Blood.

I nearly jump out of my skin. It’s a dream. Flashbacks or the horrible scenes imbedded in my mind. Flashing red and white lights twirl round and round in a blizzard of haze. I’m on a stretcher, covered in a white blanket, tied down with black straps. I struggle to get free but can’t.

“Let me out. I’m not your prisoner. Let me go!” The screams coming from my vocal chords don’t sound familiar. Everything is foreign.

“It’s okay, ma’am. You’re going to be okay now. Just relax,” a woman’s soothing voice says. I don’t want anything to do with her. I need to hide from Colin. No matter what, he will come find me. Even though every part of me knows he is dead, I still know he will find me and cut me in my dreams. I thrash and almost succeed at getting free by toppling the stretcher over.

There it is. A needle pricks through my leg and suddenly, everything smooths into a flowing painting of beautiful colors. I let out another large breath and everything goes black.

***

Beep. Beep. Beep. My heart rate sounds good, but I know I look like shit. I know that because I feel like shit. Everything is wrong and I know that no medication, no surgery, no stitches, nothing will take the pain away. I will always be in this place of fear. My only question is where am I and who do I need to pretend to be now?

My eyes slowly open and I see a head of hair at my left arm. The owner of that head is holding my hand, sleeping on my arm, and holding my hand.

“Camden,” I rasp out. “Camden?”

The heart monitor starts to go crazy. He is alive and he is sitting next to me in my hospital room. Oh thank god. I burst out into a river of tears. My shoulders sagging.

His face immediately flies up and his puffy, red eyes are searching mine with love and fear. I know exactly how he feels. I’m sure I have the same look in my eyes. I am afraid this is just a dream. I’m in love with Camden and only he can bring me back to life. Only he can make me feel like the woman I want to be. Only his love will mend my broken spirit.

“Oh, baby. Baby, are you okay? Are you in any pain?” His hands fly up to the sides of my face and he strokes my cheeks with adoration. The tears continue to flow. Somehow through it all, I feel him. Every ounce of this man’s strength is seeping from his hands onto my face. Is it possible to feel love through hands, because I feel it. I feel the love he has for me just from his fingertips touching my face.

I nod my head. “I’m the best I can be because you’re here,” I cry. My whole face scrunches up and I lose it. “Oh, God, Camden. I was in hell. Oh Jesus.”

I wail and sob. I sob and stutter out words that make no sense. I see the nurses come in and out, but they don’t tear him away from me. We are holding on to one another like we are welded together. If he ever lets me go, I may not be able to stand on my own feet.

In this moment, there are no real words for what he and I have been through. We hold each other like someone is going to come in and rip us apart again. There are no actions that might come close to what we both need to show one another.

“I was so scared for you, baby,” Camden tries to begin.

I nod. “I know. I know. I thought you were dead. I went through the shooting in my head over and over again. Every time, you didn’t live and so…eventually I didn’t want to live either.”

Camden hugs me so hard I pant out that it’s too tight. He chuckles and attempts to swipe away the wetness on his face. I fall back to the pillows and remember all the damage Colin did to my body.

I try to say something. I try to explain why I won’t ever be able to be naked with him again. I briefly wonder if he might be interested in a sexual relationship again, because with all the damage done to me, I don’t know if I can be intimate with anyone ever again. But when I look at Camden, I don’t see the lust that always shines on me with his blazing heated eyes. I see a man who wants to take care of me. All of me. Everyone I have always been and anyone I ever might be.

“How did you find me?” I ask quietly.

“I think Lola will want the honors of telling you. She, Heath, and your parents are downstairs grabbing coffee.”

I look up in surprise when he says Heath’s name. And my parents. Oh god help me.

“He came back to you?” I ask. My questions about my parents saved for when I see them.

He nods vigorously and winces. “I know you two had a past and believe me, I don’t ever want to see proof of that again, but he is a good man, Luca. Someone found him on the side of the road about a mile from the farmhouse. He made them take him to the police station before anything else. Unfortunately, he passed out on the car ride and was in and out of consciousness for weeks. He still has some liver damage and he can’t feel a few of his toes due to the cold, but he survived.”

“Wow, I thought for sure he didn’t make it. When I saw him…” I swallow hard and can’t seem to catch my breath. It feels like someone is pouring air down my throat, trying to choke me.

Camden places his hand on my forearm that obviously has a deep cut under its tight bandages. “It’s okay, sweetheart. It might take a while for you to talk about it and I completely understand. I just want you home with me, so I can protect you for the rest of your life.”

My eyes begin to water again. There is so much healing for both of us to do. I swear to myself that I will protect him against my past forever. If I have to change my identity, quit my job, or move to a different continent, I won’t allow my previous life to hinder our future together. I try to relay that with my eyes. His radiant smile tells me we don’t need words right now. We don’t need anything but one another.

It feels like hours before I finally see my parents walk through the door. My mom’s hands fly to her mouth when she sees I’m awake.

“My baby.” Those beautiful words fall from her quivering lips.

“Mom.” I begin to cry. Camden backs away from me. My mom hurries to carefully cup my face. Her soothing kisses parading all over my face.

“I’ll be right outside,” Camden speaks softly, patting my dad on the shoulder.

“Dad,” I say through my tears.

“I’m so sorry.” My shoulders sag. God, how disappointed they must be in me.

“Luca, look at me, honey?” says my father, the man who, up until the day Camden came into my life again, was the only man who ever had my heart. He will always have it, no matter what my future with Camden brings.

I lift my head, tears of disappointment in myself leak and fall down my face. My mom wipes every single one of them away.

“A parent’s love for their child is unconditional, Luca. I’ve loved you since they day your mom told me she was pregnant. I will love you beyond the time I take my last breath, but if you don’t take care of that man standing outside and love him for the rest of your life, that will be the only time you will disappoint me. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

I do understand. I nod my head toward my dad. I will take care of Camden and love him for the rest of my life. If my parents taught me anything it was the ability to love. I just never truly loved myself first. I don’t know if I really can, but with a man like Camden, my parents, Lola, Mitch, Leo, and Carl – all who love me by my side – all I can do is try.

“I’m so sorry.” I begin crying all over again once Heath and Camden enter my room, followed by Lola, who looks like shit. God how I wish I was in the mood to crack a joke and tell her how bad she looks, but I don’t. She’s a sight for these eyes that have seen more than I care to remember.

“Luca. Please.” Heath nudges past Camden, his eyes pleading for me not to worry or blame this on myself. It will forever be my fault. A constant rattle in my head won’t let me forget that all of this was my doing.

My selfish, fucked up life of being both of her.

Never again.

Rest assured, my name is Luca.

The day Camden Steel walked back into my life, Lucia died.

EPILOGUE Six months later

I sit in the middle of Grant Park in the Central Business District of Chicago. The light fall breeze is refreshing across my skin. Lights from the boats on the water in the distance will soon become a memory. I’m moving away with Camden, starting a fresh life for him and me. I’ve opened a branch of Divider in San Francisco, expanding to the west coast while Mitch and Leo run the branch in Chicago. I take a deep breath, inhaling air into my lungs. Air that six months ago, I counted every breath I took wondering if it would be my last. At the time, hoping it would be.

In this short period of time I’ve become a different woman. But one I’m truly proud of. Do I fight off demons? Yes I do, every single day. However, I don’t fight them alone. I fight them with the man sitting beside me, holding my hand, while we wait for night to descend upon us and the lights to illuminate the famous Crown Fountain. In all the years I’ve lived here never once did I enter this park. Now we come here as often as possible. The scenery, the people, and the many attractions put a smile on my face.

I’ve taken so much in my life for granted. Friends, family, and above all else, myself. I thought I needed fancy designer clothes and jewelry. I also thought the only way I could truly get what I wanted was to give my body over to men I knew nothing about. Walking away thinking I was satisfied when deep down I was anything but.

These past few months in therapy have taught me so much. One thing I’ve learned is that satisfaction is guaranteed, but only you can decide how much of it you want to bring into your life. I want it all, but not in the form of selling my body. All those years I thought if I wasn’t taking money then I could go on and pretend that I wasn’t what society calls a whore. But I was. It’s one of those forgive and forget things. I’ve forgiven myself, but I will never be able to forget the things I’ve done or let others do to me.

I sigh peacefully, lying my head on Camden’s shoulder to watch the show. The young children around us clap and yell in delight. Such a joyous sound. A sound I welcome so deep in my heart that it excites me. I’m not pregnant, but I hope to be someday soon. A normal life is my wish. Where I may be a changed woman in a lot of ways, I still will never back down from getting what I want.

“You ready?” Camden stands, reaching out to grab ahold of my hand.

“I am,” I say. Lifting up on my converse covered toes, I kiss those sensuous lips of his. Oh yes, I have found these sneakers to be my favorite pair of shoes. After a three week stay at the hospital I was finally able to return home to my apartment. The first thing I noticed was every gown and every pair of shoes had disappeared. I know Lola was the backbone behind it all. Her subtle way of telling me my life as Lucia was over. She beat me to the punch by tossing them all away. I never asked her what she did with them and she never offered to tell me. The jewels have all been auctioned off, the money donated to homeless shelters all across the country. That was graciously handled by the man who is now escorting me to his car.

“Wait,” two deep voices call out just as we approach the car. Those voices I will miss more than anything in this world. One scoops me into his arms, while the other grabs my face and plants a big wet kiss on my mouth.

“Nasty, Leo.” I jerk out of his hold.

“That’s not what she said, as a matter of fact she said –”

“Shut up, asshole,” Mitch grumbles from behind me. He sits me down on the sidewalk. I turn so I’m facing my two dearest friends. The men who have taken such great care of me these past six months while I heal and was able to come to terms with what Colin and Annie did. They nearly killed me. I loved and cared for them both and their betrayal destroyed me. I have permanent scars etched across my entire body to remind me every day of what Colin did to me. The deepest one across my stomach causes me so much heartache when I touch it. The old Luca would have called the world’s greatest surgeon and had surgery to cover these scars, but not the new Luca. Not the woman I was raised to be. A woman who no longer lives in vein. A woman who parades around in grey converse. A woman I’m beginning to love.

“Well shit, man, she’s leaving. I needed to try and persuade her to stay one last time.” Leo chuckles at his own joke while Camden growls.

I laugh at them both.

Three pairs of eyes glisten, staring me down like I’m some kind of clown. All three of them have child-like grins on their faces.

“What?” I say in confusion.

“I haven’t heard your carefree laugh since, well, never,” Mitch says, taking a step in my direction.

“Oh.” I stare back at my friends and my man. We sit in silence for several moments before someone else says anything.

“She’s going to be okay, guys, you have my word,” Camden says, breaking the silence.

“We know,” they respond in unison for the second time in five minutes.

“Don’t you dare get me crying. I’ve cried enough these past six months to last me the rest of my life. Besides,” I swipe out my hand. “It’s not like we won’t be talking every day.”

Leo laughs, his big eyes boring happily into mine. “Damn right we will. Now, go. Have a safe flight.” I lean in and wrap my arms around him, placing my head on his shoulder. I do the same with Mitch, distraughtly holding back the urge to cry.

“Those two love you very much.” Camden puts his arms around my waist, pulling me into him as I release my friends. My forehead lands on the center of his chest.

I laugh as Leo blares his car horn all the way down the street.

“Honestly, they’re all I’m going to miss about this city. I’m ready for sun, warmth, and a fresh new start with you.” The smell of him surrounds me. If safety, love, and happiness had a smell, it would be Camden.

My brave man, healed from his gunshot wound. Even though he’s scared from my past, here he is, holding me in his arms.

Whispering words of promises I know he will keep.

Telling me he loves me.

This brave, beautiful man has stood by my side through so much heartache.

Listening to me tell my therapist all about the things Colin forced me to do.

Me hating it every single time.

It doesn’t matter if at the time I tried to convince myself I was Lucia and acting like I wanted him. I didn’t. Not once. How could I when my heart sang loud and clear to me every single time that I was betraying the best thing that ever happened to me. The most precious gift I have been given. I’ve been given Camden.

The hurt in his eyes was unforgettable when I first stumbled upon those regretful words. I was forced to have sex with Colin. The gut wrenching tears, so uncontrollable pouring down my face shows how much I hate myself. It is the tears leaking from his stunning orbs that tells me how much he loves me. Not once did this amazing man blame me. Not once did he leave me and not once did he complain when it took me four months to be able to make love to him. To me this is only the beginning of what love is all about. We have so much more to learn about the meaning of love, but we are in this together, him and me facing our deepest demons together, forever.

 

THE END