Текст книги "Searching for Always"
Автор книги: Jennifer Probst
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Текущая страница: 7 (всего у книги 20 страниц)
He muttered to himself the whole drive home, swearing to get his head on straight. When he walked into his small brick ranch, he shoved a frozen pizza in the oven to cook while he took a quick shower, then settled in front of his television. Maybe American Ninja Warrior was on. The quiet settled around him, and Stone looked around, wondering what Arilyn Meadows would say about his home.
He was neat but not ruthlessly so. His house screamed bachelor, but not in a seedy way. Besides the latest electronics, including wireless sound stereo, a sixty-inch flat-screen TV, and two Macs, the surroundings were simple. He’d gone with wine and black colors. Leather couches, burgundy throw rugs, and dark-wood tables. A ton of bookshelves and a battered desk in the corner piled high with folders and work stuff. Black-and-white photographs accented the walls, mostly views of Yankee Stadium, both new and old. The kitchen was big enough to hold a table and chairs, but he mostly ate at the breakfast bar. The gray and blue granite hadn’t needed updating, nor had the new stainless steel appliances, though he never cooked. His one bedroom had a thick chocolate rug, mahogany furniture, and a sleigh bed he’d grabbed on clearance. He wasn’t big into knickknacks, but he had a tendency to buy blankets in various patterns and colors, so they were tossed all over the furniture.
Grabbing his pizza, he cracked open an IPA and settled onto the sofa in his boxers. Stone clicked through the channels, paused on a boxing match, and stretched his feet out. This was nice. Just another night at home, on his own terms, in the peace and quiet.
Arilyn’s melodic voice whispered in his ear.
You drink beer with some cops. Shoot a bit of pool. Maybe lift a few weights at the gym. But basically you’re a workaholic who spends most of his time alone.
He froze. Get out of my head, he ordered. I’m damn happy. Content.
You, Stone Petty, are a hypocrite.
He groaned, squeezing his eyes shut. He refused to think about her. He’d finish his pizza, watch the rest of the match, and go jerk off to the mental image of the pretty blonde in the gym. Then he’d get his shit together tomorrow and find someone to actually have sex with.
Stone cranked up the volume and shoved the cardboard-like pizza into his mouth with false gusto.
Take that, Arilyn Meadows.
I don’t hear you.
He had a great life.
Really, really great.
seven
STONE LOOKED AROUND. The purple room was filled with soothing blends of sights and sounds that made him itchy. Water trickled from a fountain with glossy river rocks. Classical music streamed through hidden speakers. Instead of sitting behind the large oak desk, Arilyn perched on a velvet cushion across from him, notepad on lap, a slight frown marring her ginger brows. The room was essentially female—Goddess of Fertility or Venus or shit like that. Plants sprung from the corners, silver sparkly pillows accessorized the endless violet, and the carpet was thick beneath his feet.
Did she always sit so still? She reminded him of an exotic bird, watchful of every situation and ready to either dive in to save a buddy or fly off into the wild blue yonder.
And why was he suddenly composing weird analogies to animals when he thought of this woman?
He took in her black Lycra yoga pants, low-heeled boots he bet weren’t real leather, and a snug T-shirt with the Kinnections logo in bright purple and gray. No makeup marred the lines of her graceful features or hid her creamy white skin. So different from all the women he knew, who obsessed on beauty, channeling their inner peacocks in order to compete in the world.
He’d been surprised when she said she wanted to have his one-to-one counseling in her Kinnections office, but thought it would be a great opportunity to analyze her further. The endless spreadsheets and three computer systems impressed him. Also intimidated him. He wasn’t such a program expert, so that seemed pretty cool, though he had no idea how such an extensive computer setup could possibly help in connecting couples or doing whatever Kinnections promised people it did. Make matches. Find love. Whatever.
She seemed to have something on her mind. It showed in the slight tenseness of her shoulders and the assessing gleam in her sea-glass-green eyes. He kept his face impassive, interested in finding out what she wanted.
“Nice office.”
She glanced around as if viewing it for the first time and nodded. “Thank you. My partners, Kate and Kennedy, helped decorate.”
“Very girly.”
That brought an annoyed snap of the brow. “It’s generic¸” she offered politely. “Purple is the color of the highest chakra, opening up the mind center.”
He scratched his head, hooked one ankle over his leg, and slouched in the chair. “Thought the heart was more important in your business.”
“A clear mind and connection with your highest inner power is key to all. The rest follows.”
He made a noncommittal snort, and her lips tightened. Stone tamped down on a chuckle. She was so much damn fun to spar with and piss off. It was becoming his favorite hobby. “Why do you need computers? Thought love was a magical mystery thing.”
“Love is magical but also scientific. It takes a lot to find your match. Personality, beliefs, upbringings—all are brought to the table when we meet someone new. Ignoring those pieces of a person and waiting for an invisible chemistry connection to make everything okay wouldn’t be reasonable. It would also put us out of business.”
Her sharp intelligence intrigued him. A mix of new age hippie crap and nerd scientist. Fascinating. “Do you work the computer side of the business?”
“Yes, I also do the counseling. Which we should get to.”
“In a minute. Did you study computers in school?”
She shifted in the chair. “I graduated with a double master’s in psychology and computer science.”
“How’d you end up working here?”
“My friends and I discussed the benefits of opening up our own business and using each of our strengths to create a unique spot in the market.”
Huh. She was lying. Her gaze dropped down to the floor when she spoke. Now he was dying to know how this matchmaking business got started. “I’m impressed. Most businesses fail, especially ones started with friends.”
Her voice dripped with sarcasm. “I’m so glad. Now I can sleep at night.”
“I know better ways to make you sleep.” He paused. “Or not.”
She sucked in a breath, and that weird zing burst between them. He’d only meant to tease her and get her irritated. Instead, the joke was on him. He was suddenly hard and aching to trap her against that chair and kiss her. Long. Deep. Find out if she tasted as sweet as sugar cookies warm from the oven. See if she melted all soft and gooey once he pushed his tongue past her lips and his hands past her clothing. And now he’d moved from comparing her to animals to food. He was losing it.
“Don’t.”
The word shot in the room like a bullet. He’d made her uncomfortable. A surge of adrenaline and satisfaction mingled. He grinned real slow. “Why not?”
“Because as I told you the other night, I don’t like you.”
“I don’t like you either. Does it matter?”
She crossed her arms in front of her chest. The thin material of her shirt stretched across perfectly small, perfectly formed breasts. Her nipples were already hard. “To me it does. Unlike you, Officer Petty, I don’t jump into bed to scratch an itch. I need a connection beyond the physical.”
“Is that what you had with your last lover? A connection?”
He regretted the sudden pain that flickered over her face and cursed beneath his breath. Damn. He didn’t want to hurt her. He was curious as to what type of man had claimed her heart and stomped all over it. She’d defended him regarding his good-guy intentions, but he sensed the truth was quite different. When she’d finally given his name, something had flared in those green eyes. A hot anger rolled up with raw pain. It was the real stuff buried beneath all that meditation junk she always threw in his face. Stone opened his mouth to apologize, but she was already answering.
“Yes. At least I followed my heart. When I die, I intend to have little to regret. Not taking a chance on love would be one of them.”
He’d never met a woman so deep and ready to get real. When he proposed to Ellen, he figured he was following his heart. Now he realized he’d only been in lust and too lazy to wait. Too lazy to figure things out. Too lazy to make it work when the relationship got hard. And though he’d never forgive or forget, part of the relationship failure was solidly on him. A trickle of shame raced through him. Something told him Arilyn Meadows wouldn’t shrink from difficulty. She’d flourish.
He shifted in the chair. When had his complete dislike turned to sexual interest? In only a few days, she’d begun to intrigue him on a whole new level. Physical, of course. Nothing more. “What about passion? Isn’t that the foundation for love? Wouldn’t you regret being too focused on the future and missing an opportunity to experience great sex?”
Her lips were pale peach. He wondered if her nipples matched. The bottom of that lush lower lip curled up a bit. “No.”
The simple answer bugged him. Another lie. It was in the tilt of her stubborn chin, and the challenge sizzling in those emerald eyes. Damn, she’d be fun to try and push around. Ripping the truth from her in breathy little gasps while he pushed between her thighs may be worth the trouble.
Maybe.
“Then you’ve never experienced true passion,” he said.
That got her. Annoyance carved out her graceful features. She wasn’t as calm as she made people believe. “Yes, I have. You have no idea how great the passion was between us.”
Defensive. Cheater? The image of his wife, naked, on top of another man, still panged. He despised cheaters and their cowardice. Hated not being able to fight fairly and being made a chump. He could’ve forgiven Ellen for a multitude of sins but not that one.
“I’m not talking about good sex. A few orgasms. A cuddle. I’m talking about the down-and-dirty lust that wipes everything else from your mind except how your body feels against your lover. Over him. Under him. The feel of naked skin. The sweat, and the smells, and the excruciating, sweet agony of need for him to take you completely, over and over, until there’s nothing left of both of you.”
Her mouth formed a little O, and sweat broke out on her upper lip. Her fingers clenched in her lap, and Stone knew she was completely turned on. Her nipples beaded against her top. The pulse beat madly at the base of her swanlike neck. And he knew if he walked over to her right now, tipped her chair back, and hooked his fingers under those tight Lycra pants, she’d be soaking wet.
Playing with her affected him just as much, and he tried not to shift again in his chair as he hardened to full length. Why did he have to experience such chemistry with a woman completely wrong for him? In one week they’d tear each other apart, they were so different. Yet his primitive need to claim her beat through his body like an animal craving to mate.
“That—that was inappropriate.” Her voice wobbled. “You know nothing about how we felt for each other. We transcended the physical to an emotional bond you’d be afraid to experience. A man like you believes in a quick roll in the hay, and a quicker retreat in the morning.”
He grinned. “Never quick, little one.”
She practically spit with fury. “Why do you call me that? Stop. I don’t like it.”
“Why not? I like it.” Arilyn jerked her folder open and dragged in a few of those deep breaths she counseled him on. “You mad?”
“No.”
“Good, ’cause I don’t think that breathing’s workin’ too good.”
Her dirty look made him want to laugh out loud. “If you’re done avoiding the real reason you’re here, I’ll begin. I know what you’re doing. Trying to distract me by talking about sex, so I get so rattled I’ll forget this session is about you. I’m not that dumb, Officer.”
“Never said you were. It’s just a more interesting topic.”
“Tell me a bit about the domestic scene you witnessed.”
Guess playtime was over. Stone resigned himself to a long, boring session of talking about feelings. Yuck. “I went inside the house when I heard screaming. Found the husband beating up the wife, with the little girl hanging on his leg. He kicked her to the wall and she went unconscious. Guess I snapped. Don’t remember much afterward until my partner Devine pulled me off.”
She scribbled some notes like a shrink. He imagined her naked and was less bored. “How did you feel when you realized what you did?”
The questions were textbook. He wondered why he felt disappointed in her techniques. “Pissed that I snapped. Happy that I beat the crap out of him.”
“Is the little girl okay?”
“Yeah. She’s in a shelter now. But who knows if the mother went back. Battered women usually do. They’re too afraid to leave sometimes. It’s all they know.”
She quirked a ginger brow and studied him. He made sure his face remained impassive. “You said your father beat you with a bat. Hurt your mother. How old were you?”
Stone shrugged. “Guess it started around five. Went till I was a teen.”
“Did it happen often? Did he beat you and your mother?”
He picked at a cuticle and tried not to groan. Ugh. He’d done the mandated therapy after the first incident, and even checked in on his own for a few sessions. It was too brutally inane to continue. Maybe if he seemed more emotional, she’d hurry things up? Show her he realized his issues and wanted to work on them. “Yeah. He liked to mix things up in the household. I’m sure when I went into that scene it was a trigger for all the times he hurt both of us. I’m more aware of my shortcomings now. I think I can handle incidents better in the future.”
Perfect. He sounded apologetic, knew about his own limitations and wanted to work on them. She jotted down more ridiculous notes, probably on his mental state, then looked up.
Her smile stunned him.
Like the sun on crack, she blinded him. His heart got a bit mushy and weak, and he was unable to talk. Why did he suddenly crave to revel in her warmth? Why did he want to be the man to elicit that smile on a regular basis? And what did she find so funny?
“You’re smart, Officer. Wicked smart.”
He refocused. “Back to ‘Officer’ so soon?” he drawled. “Makes me want to force you to say my name in all sorts of interesting ways.”
“You think I’m a chump asking these questions. You think I’m easily manipulated.”
“I never said any of those things.”
“Didn’t have to. Who else were you protecting?”
He blinked. “Just told you. Me. My mother.”
Her voice softened, deepening to a velvety, soothing pitch, urging him to spill all his secrets. “I think there’s someone else. Another person in the house. A foster brother or sister? A friend? You got used to dealing with your father’s rage until he went after someone new.” She leaned forward, gaze locked on him with a sense of urgency. Within those emerald depths lay a vastness of understanding and gentleness he’d never been on the receiving end of. “Who was it, Stone?”
He jerked back. He’d gotten bashed in the face with a baseball bat and refused to cry. There was so much inside scarred up and dead he was grateful he never had to revisit. But Arilyn’s final question stole his breath and drew blood.
He was done.
Stone stood up. “This is bullshit,” he stated quietly. “I told you before I’ll be straight with you, but don’t dick around in my head and think you won’t get hurt.”
She never flinched. Just studied him for a long time, their gazes locked in a battle, until she slowly nodded. “I apologize. I went too deep, too fast. Why don’t you sit back down and we’ll talk about something else.”
Who did she think she was? A yoga teacher turned matchmaker playing at being a therapist? She led a charmed life and had no idea of the harsh realities in the world. She controlled her reality while she viewed others through a set of rosy glasses so she could avoid the true mess. Breathing. Meditating. Helping animals. Even with a broken relationship behind her, she pretended to understand and transcend, citing a higher purpose and acceptance she didn’t really feel.
It was a bunch of crap.
Maybe it was time she knew what it felt like to have her safe bubble ripped away.
Stone made his decision and slowly stalked across the room.
SHE’D SCREWED UP.
Arilyn watched the bristling, towering male approach her. Why did she push? Usually the first counseling session was easy, a getting-to-know-you phase and an opportunity to build trust. Instead, she’d done the unthinkable and hit on some hard issues way too soon.
Now she was in trouble.
Damn him. It was all his fault. All of that rippling male sexuality squeezed into a tiny office space would make any woman crazy. He practically gobbled up all the oxygen, and his wicked smiles and hot inky eyes roving over her figure should be illegal. Who owned biceps that massive? Her fingers curled with the need to sink her nails into them and test the hardness. She bet he’d be able to lift her high and pin her against the wall without strain, without needing a breath. How hot was that?
He was literally the worst type of man in the world to be attracted to. All that experience training her mind to be stronger than her body faded to nothing when he looked at her as if he planned on ripping off her clothes and ravishing every inch of her body with his tongue and lips and teeth.
Oh my God, what was she doing?
Arilyn fought the treacherous, weak need for his touch and struggled for calm. She needed to be in control of the situation, speak firmly, and get the session back on track.
Before he reached her.
“There’s no need to get any closer or prove your point. I made an error, and I apologize again. Why don’t we take a break, get some water, and meet back in a few minutes?”
His gaze pinned her to the chair. He took a few more steps.
Her heart exploded in her chest. Arilyn tried to breathe.
“W-We need to make sure we keep our professional distance and don’t blur any of the lines. I’m your counselor and teacher. Emotional highs and lows are expected when we’re exploring triggers that cause anger.”
He didn’t break a smile or his stride. He stopped in front of her, forcing her head to tilt way, way back to hold her ground. Showing strength was key. Stay cool and calm. Even though his body heat was blistering in waves around her, and he smelled so damn good, like woods and musk and ocean and soap. With his tight, worn jeans, black T-shirt stretched over meaty biceps, and the deadly focus from those carved features, a shiver raced down her spine. Sexy stubble hugged that square jawline, emphasizing the lush softness to his lips, framed like a gift. He was total male predator, domineering cop, and sexual alpha male wrapped up in one package.
“Let’s talk triggers.”
She shivered. “Y-Yes. For instance, it seems we hit one now. Why don’t we talk and explore it?”
He laughed low. “Do you soothe all your angry male clients this way? Talk them down with that musical voice of yours? Pretend to know what they’ve gone through? Tell them the world is a big, beautiful place full of rainbows and leprechaun gold?” He dropped his voice. “Is that what you tell yourself?”
She jerked in the chair. Her breath strangled in her throat. He wasn’t touching her, yet her skin blistered from his nearness. “I understand more than you think,” she said calmly.
“Bullshit. You know nothing about hard times or pain, other than the normal breakup of a relationship. How do you expect to counsel us on anger when you’ve denied yourself that human emotion?”
His words stung and pummeled. She lifted her arms halfway to cover her face from the attack. Then felt herself snap.
She jumped from the chair and faced him head-on. The look of surprise on his face only urged her forward. “You want to know how I know about pain? Do you think I was raised in a bubble of goodness and light, dragged from Buddha’s mountaintop? I earned my peace by working for it! I sweat blood and tears and opened myself up for something better to climb out of such a deep depression I never thought I’d survive. My mother died of cancer. I watched her disintegrate before my eyes, changing from a laughing, robust woman to a shell. She smoked, drank, partied, had bad food. She was the poster child of extremes in the pursuit of fun. Before I barely buried her, my father died right afterward, committing suicide because he couldn’t live without my mother. You think I wasn’t angry? Sometimes I’d scream at the top of my lungs just to stay sane. My father killed himself because I wasn’t enough. Try living with that one.”
“Arilyn—”
“No, I’m not done. I was a complete nerd and geek and had difficulty making friends. I was left alone with no one except my grandfather. Instead of taking a bucket of pills to live or becoming like my mother and trashing my body, I decided to search for more. I studied yoga, meditation, religion, and learned how to live in the light rather than in the darkness. I learned how to treat my body like the temple it is. I forced myself to open up and confess my fears and my pain to a therapist. I decided to help others, but I work on myself every damn day, even though I sometimes don’t want to.”
The silence was shattering. Her righteous anger drained away and left her with pure horror. What she shared almost crippled her, but she dug deep and owned every last shred of truth. Why not? Why hide any more from him or pretend to be something she wasn’t? Maybe it was best he knew all her crappy secrets and that most of the time she had no idea what she was doing. That she’d been broken once, too.
“Feel better now?” she asked. “I believe our session is over. I’ll see you tomorrow in class.” Wrapping the last shred of her dignity around her, she backed away around the chair and walked to her desk. Lengthening her breath, she reconnected with her center and allowed the rioting emotions to ride through her.
He turned and stopped at the door. “I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“Yes, I do.” He glanced at her. Those inky eyes pierced into hers and right through to her soul. The energy between them knotted tighter. “I misjudged you. I make mistakes, too, and when I do, I say I’m sorry.”
Her tension eased. Slowly, Arilyn nodded, accepting his gesture. “Apology accepted.”
“Good.” He grasped the doorknob and pulled. “I won’t make the same mistake again.”
He left. His words echoed in the air, more like a threat mingled with a promise.
One she definitely didn’t want to explore.
Her cell phone chirped. Arilyn grabbed it, grateful for the distraction, and collapsed in the chair. “Hi, Anthony. What’s up?”
“Two things. Lenny and Mike are ready for their foster parents.”
A combination of grief and joy rushed through her. She’d gotten attached to those fur balls and the house wouldn’t be the same. “That’s great.”
Anthony’s voice softened. “I know it’s hard, A. You gave them a priceless gift. The shelter would be in trouble without you.”
She blinked back the sting of tears and fought through. She loved fostering the animals to go into their forever homes, but the good-byes were brutal. Still, the puppies would be together and happy and that was what mattered. “I’ll bring them by tomorrow.”
“Thanks. I also got those pics you sent me. Place looks like a breeding ground for abuse. I’m waiting on a few organizations to get back to me so we may be able to move on this by late next week.”
Arilyn knew she should be happy. Hell, it was great progress, especially with Stone’s backup confirmation, but she kept thinking about that empty doghouse. She sensed a presence there, but who knew what type of shape the dog was in? “Any possibility of getting it checked out earlier? I’m worried.”
Anthony sighed. “I know. We all are, but this business requires patience. Move too fast or get sloppy and we don’t get any results. Right?”
“Yeah, right.” That depression was slipping back over her. “Thanks for calling, Anthony.”
She hung up and tapped her fingers on the desk. Usually she was the embodiment of patience. Waiting for karma to kick in. Waiting for justice. For happiness. For . . . everything.
She was tired of being passive in so many areas of her life. Opening her heart and hoping for good things.
Maybe some action was needed in order to make a difference. She didn’t want to hang around anymore like a good girl. She wanted results.
Tonight.
When the idea took root and flowered, she refused to doubt herself.
Arilyn made her decision and got back to work.
