Текст книги "Wanted"
Автор книги: J. Kenner
Соавторы: J. Kenner
сообщить о нарушении
Текущая страница: 9 (всего у книги 20 страниц)
eleven
I needed to get lost. Needed to get free. My head was swimming with everything that was going on around me—Jahn, my parents, Kevin. And Evan. At the center of it all, there was always Evan. His proximity. His desire. His heat.
His rejection.
I felt as if my mind—hell, as if my life—was trying to tune in to a particular frequency and all it could find was static. As if I was bouncing around lost in the stratosphere with no rope, no guide, to bring me back down to where I belonged.
I was anxious and frantic and needy and confused. I needed release even as much as I needed an anchor. I needed to appease the demons. I needed—
Oh, hell, I didn’t know what I needed. But I knew that whatever it was, adrenaline would soothe it. If I could just manufacture that wild rush of sensation, then maybe all this static in my head would go away. Maybe I could get clear. Maybe I could think.
Because I damn sure wasn’t thinking right then. Not as I barreled down the streets, pushing past other pedestrians, ignoring crossing signals, and letting my feet eat up the pavement.
And I wasn’t thinking when I wandered into department stores. When I let my fingers trail idly over blouses, over jeans, over purses and samples of cologne.
But as I wandered—as my mind started to focus on the ways that I could manufacture that singular sensation that would restore my clarity and help me find my center—that was when my surroundings took focus. That was when I started to realize where I was and what I could do.
What I needed to do if I wanted to get clear.
Department store.
Jewelry.
Do it.
I felt the tingle in my palms and the quickening beat of my heart.
It would be so easy. So fast, so clean.
So perfect.
I mean, sure. Maybe I’d messed up before. But that didn’t mean this would go wrong. This time, maybe everything would come together. Maybe this time, the rush would be enough to pull me through. Hell, maybe it would even last until I got to Washington.
And then—well, then, I’d just have to learn to keep myself in check. Because I’d be a different girl then. A different me. A new Angie altogether.
Just do it.
I sucked in air, willing myself to take it down a notch. I was just a girl. Just a shopper. I was just looking around, just letting my fingers dance over the countertops, the displays. I picked up a pair of earrings, then held them up as I inspected my image in mirror.
I put them back, unimpressed.
I picked up a pair of sunglasses and returned them, too, equally unimpressed.
I was alone, unobserved, and when I picked up the bracelets, then moved to casually drop them into my purse, I was certain that no one would see me.
Don’t.
The voice in my head was bold and assertive, but I wasn’t even certain I’d heard it.
Goddammit, don’t.
I sucked in air, then saw a saleswoman in the shoe department glance my way. I froze, suddenly terrified, then dropped the bracelets back on the display table. There was an exit just twenty or so yards away, and I willed my feet to move me in that direction, because I needed to get clear before I collapsed.
Because I was absolutely certain that the collapse was coming.
It was about the hardest thing I’d ever done, but I managed to make it out of the store before my legs gave out. I sank to the ground, my back to the cool stone façade, my tailored linen slacks probably getting ruined on the filthy sidewalk.
Tourists and locals hurried by me, some ignoring me completely, others glancing warily my direction. I barely saw them through the blur of tears and the red haze of confusion and loss and regret.
Maybe I’d managed to get my shit together in there, yes, but I wouldn’t exactly call it a victory. I was a mess. A horrible, raging, fucked up mess. And all I could think about was the way Evan had held me. The way he’d soothed me. The way he’d kept the nightmares at bay. And, more, the way that I was certain he would keep all my demons at bay. The ones that haunted my nights as well as the ones that crept up on me during the days.
He was what I craved. More, he was what I needed.
But I couldn’t have him. And that one simple truth would end up breaking me.
It took a few hours to pull myself together, and I spent the time wandering aimlessly down the Magnificent Mile and the intersecting streets. Even then, I still didn’t feel clear. I needed to get it out, to talk about what was churning around inside of me. I needed familiarity and forward motion.
Naturally, I called Kat.
I didn’t confess to almost stealing the bracelets, but I did tell her that I was a mess—and that it was Evan who’d gotten me there. Evan and my father and Kevin, too. The whole nasty business that was bubbling up into a big, molten, explosive mess.
And, in true BFF fashion, she’d known exactly what to do—a girls’ night in.
We’d made cupcakes, licked the mixing bowl, drank beer, and talked about nonsense, all of which had brought me down to the level of feeling human. And maybe even slightly centered.
Now we were kicked back in Jahn’s media room, fresh beers in our hands and a plate of warm cupcakes between us. Kat had control of the remote because my uncle’s entertainment system baffled me, and she’d been scrolling through iTunes, looking for something to rent. Now she put the remote in the cupholder and shifted to face me more directly, every bit of her body language shouting that we were about to move from general comfort to a Serious Conversation.
“Not a safe bet?” Kat said, repeating what I’d told her about Evan’s parting comment. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Beats me,” I said, which wasn’t entirely accurate. I’d juxtaposed Evan’s words against Kevin’s accusations, and it hadn’t taken a massive mental leap to reach the conclusion that Kevin must be right. Evan, Cole, and Tyler were into something. I just didn’t know what.
“Oh, come on,” Kat said. “You’ve known him for forever.”
“Hardly,” I said. “I met him when I was sixteen.”
“Like I said. Forever. You must have some idea of why he’d say that about himself.”
“Fine,” I said. “I’ve been around him forever. I’ve been in lust with him forever. But ‘being around’ and ‘being in lust’ don’t translate into knowing his deep dark secrets, you know? I mean, I don’t even know where he lives.”
“Seriously? What about Cole? Do you know anything about him?”
I glanced sideways at her, but she just shrugged.
“Not really,” I said. “Not about any of them. They were friends with Jahn, not me. I was still in high school when we met, and I was only in Chicago for a few weeks each summer. I mostly hung out with a sketch pad and pretended to draw when Evan and Cole and Tyler came over. And if I did talk, it wasn’t exactly a conversation full of deep emotional resonance. I mean, we talked about school or movies or whatever Jahn was cooking on the grill, you know?”
“Yeah, but then you went to college and somewhere along the way he got a little hot for you. Which means this has to have been bubbling along for a while, right?”
All things considered, I had to agree that she was probably right. Somewhere along the way, Evan had become as hot for me as I was for him. “Yeah, but I was totally clueless,” I told her. “Even though I was living full-time near the city, I think I saw the guys even less once I started Northwestern. I wasn’t living with Jahn and my school schedule was nuts. I saw them on a few weekends, but it wasn’t like a regular thing.”
She sighed. “It’s so romantic,” she said, with an affected lilt to her voice. “You were like completely blacked out ships passing in the night.”
I rolled my eyes. “I know some stuff. I know he likes his steaks medium rare because that’s how he made them when we grilled out. And I know he likes opera because he went with Jahn a few times. And some Finnish heavy metal band because he and Cole were psyched to get tickets. But I don’t have a clue what toothpaste he uses, what his favorite class was in college, what his first pet was named, or if he committed a felony last week.”
“A felony?”
I waved the word away as if it meant nothing. I had yet to tell Kat about Kevin’s allegations. I’m not sure why I was so reticent, but I think it was because I’d begun to believe them.
The truth was, Evan could very well have dark secrets that were completely hidden from me. After all, when you got right down to it, except for bits of trivia picked up in Jahn’s living room and backyard, I didn’t know a whole lot more about him than everyone else in Chicago knew.
He might not have been as much of a public figure as my dad, but his position and charitable donations had made him a local celebrity, and I’d devoured every article written about him. All of them talked about his tragic past. How his father had died in a fire that had also injured his little sister, Melissa. How Evan had worked his ass off during high school to help his mother make ends meet and to cover the medical bills, taking any and every job he could find and thereby honing the job skills and tenacity that served him well during his entrepreneurial climb.
But none of that meant that I understood why he’d call himself a bad bet.
“Does it really matter?” Kat said when I told her as much. “It’s not like you’re the kind of girl who wants a safe bet, anyway. What?” she asked innocently when I crossed my arms and raised my brow. “I’m just saying that you like a little excitement in your life. Nothing wrong with that.”
“It doesn’t matter anyway. I’m not going to be around long enough for anything to come of it.”
Her brows puckered. I’d told her about my plan to move to Washington, and to say she was less than enthusiastic would be an understatement. “You’re really sure about this?”
“It’s what I went to school for.”
“That’s not an answer.”
I sighed and snagged one of the cupcakes. I dragged my finger through the frosting, then licked it off as I considered what to say. That’s the problem with having a friend who understands you. Sometimes they understand you too well.
“Yes,” I said. “I’m sure. It’s a good job in a field I understand. I grew up in politics. I have the degree.” It will make my parents happy. Only I didn’t say that last part. Instead, I shrugged. “It makes sense. I mean, not everyone can know exactly what they want to be when they grow up. Some of us fall into careers by default.”
Kat took a long swallow from her Heineken. “Oh, I don’t have a career plan. Just a goal.”
“Rich,” we said together, and then laughed.
“So how’s that working out for you so far?” I asked.
“Apparently the road to riches isn’t paved with coffee filters. At least not unless you’re the dude who invented Starbucks. But I have some irons in the fire.”
“Really? Tell me.”
She waved it off. “Nothing to talk about. Just some stuff my dad’s putting together.”
I frowned, but didn’t say anything. From what she’d told me of her dad, he was hardly someone to emulate. Then again, the guy did have a house in Winnetka and a condo in Palm Beach, so maybe he knew his stuff.
“You need to totally do him,” Kat said.
“Excuse me?” I wrinkled my nose, then realized she was still talking about Evan. “I think he put the brakes on that plan.”
“Just once or you’ll regret it. Besides, your uncle only said he wasn’t the guy for you, right? Not that you couldn’t fuck him. After all, it’s not like you’re marrying him.”
I took a sip of my beer. “You have a very convoluted way of thinking,” I told her. “I like it.”
She laughed. “Years of dedicated practice. And I know you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
She shrugged. “Just that you get off on the thrill. He’s put on the brakes? Big deal. That just makes him more of a challenge. And a lot more interesting challenge than snagging a couple of earrings.”
I leaned back in my seat. “I don’t do that anymore,” I said, purposefully staring at the white movie screen instead of Kat because I didn’t want her to see the truth in my eyes. Didn’t want her to see how close I’d come just a few hours ago. “I told you.” I hadn’t told her why. Hadn’t told her about the arrest. For one, I hadn’t wanted to get into it. For another, I’d been damned embarrassed at getting caught. But most important, Jahn had moved heaven and earth to get my record clear, because I was so freaked out about my transgression soiling my dad’s pristine reputation and ruining his shot at the vice presidency.
Which means I wasn’t about to tell anyone. Not even my best girlfriend.
More than that, the fact that I’d come so close today only underscored just how much of a wreck I was.
I thought of Evan. Of the peace I’d felt in his arms. Of the way I’d slept through the night with no nightmares nipping at my heels.
I so desperately wanted to be soothed like that again. I was centered right now, but I was balancing on a fence, and it would only take the slightest push to send me tumbling over.
I wanted the man. Needed him, even. And that only made the pain of his rejection that much keener.
Beside me, Kat was oblivious to my mental meanderings. Even so, she’d reached pretty much the same conclusion. “The point is that you’d get off on the thrill of having a guy like Evan Black in your bed.”
“I would,” I admitted, because I could hardly deny it. But that didn’t mean I was going to chase him.
I leaned toward her, sliding into gossip mode, both to distract her and because I wanted her reaction. “Kevin says the FBI is watching Evan. Tyler and Cole, too.”
Kat shifted in her seat, obviously intrigued. “Really? Do you think it’s true? I bet it is. They all have that bad boy look about them.” The corner of her mouth curved up. “Especially Cole.”
“You are so not subtle, you know.”
“What? He’s hot.”
“Can’t argue with that. Hell, they all are.”
“But are they criminal masterminds?” Her voice was laced with intrigue.
“Maybe. I don’t know.” I shrugged. “Probably not.”
“Oh, I bet they are,” she said. “Most of the time, the cops get it right. They just don’t always get the bad guys. Of course, that depends on how you define ‘bad guy.’” She leaned back in her seat, looking almost smug.
I frowned, the idea that Evan might end up behind bars was undeniably disturbing. But at the same time, the idea that he was cool enough and smart enough to avoid that net … well, I couldn’t deny that just thinking about it got my blood pumping. Like playing chicken on the train tracks or surfing on the roof of a car. Or even like snagging a pair of crappy earrings from Neiman Marcus.
She laughed. “Oh, man, the look on your face. You are so busted.”
I grimaced, but I didn’t deny.
“At any rate,” Kat continued, “all of this is beside the point.”
“I’ve completely forgotten what the point is.”
“The point is that you have to go for it. If you’re really moving to Washington—and I know the way you are with your dad, so I’m not even going to try to talk you out of it—then you need to go for it.”
“Go for it, as in what?” I asked, even though I knew damn well what she meant—and was only a hairsbreadth away from agreeing.
“Take a chance, Angie. You don’t have to be in Washington for a few more weeks, right? So work your magic and get Evan in your bed. If you don’t do it once, you’re going to regret it forever.”
She was right. Not only would I regret it, but I wasn’t sure that I could get through the next few weeks. That I could keep myself pulled together as I moved through the condo that had once been so full of Jahn’s laughter and conversation. As I packed to move to a city I didn’t want to live in for a job I wasn’t sure I’d even like, but that I knew Gracie would have loved.
The nightmares would return in full force. Hell, I could already feel them poking at me, like jabs from behind a dark curtain.
Could I take three weeks of this without needing to break free?
I could if I was in Evan’s arms—I was certain of it.
Without him, though …
Without him, I was terrified of simply crashing.
But that wasn’t the only reason that Kat’s proposal enticed me. The truth was, I simply wanted the man. Wanted him, and was certain that he wanted me, too.
I remembered the way I’d felt when he’d stood close to me in the elevator, the way the air had vibrated between us. The scent of him. The presence of him.
And then I remembered the way he’d shut me down. The way he’d shut us both down.
I shook my head. “I don’t know …”
“What’s not to know? It’s not like you’re going to get arrested—though you may end up on a surveillance tape.”
“Oh, like that’s an enticement?”
She ignored my half-assed protest. “And since he’s already said no once, if he says it again, you’re in the exact same place. And if he says yes, you’re golden, right? I mean, honestly, Angie, what have you got to lose?”
I remembered the feel of his hands upon me in the alley, the way my body had fired and opened to him.
I remembered the smell of cocoa when he handed me the mug, and how the soft glow in his eyes had warmed me even more than the liquid. I remembered the way I’d come awake the next morning, clear and crisp and nightmare free.
What did I have to lose?
That was easy—nothing.
Nothing, that is, except my heart.
It turns out that the whole “go after Evan Black” plan was a little more complicated than I’d anticipated, primarily because I had no idea how to get in touch with him other than through his office. I’d done that, leaving a message with his assistant through the automated voicemail system. Since I didn’t immediately get a call back—and I fully expected him to ignore the message—I decided to scour the entire condo in the hopes of finding his personal cell number. Then I’d cross my fingers and hope he’d answer.
Too bad for me, I found diddly-squat. Not one single number for Evan, Cole, or Tyler. I did find the mother lode of family photo albums in the bottom drawer of Jahn’s bedside table, and I spent two solid hours sitting on his bed and thumbing through them, soaking up the memories and feeling melancholy.
Most of the pictures were of people I vaguely recognized but didn’t know by name. Grandparents who’d passed away before I was born and third cousins I’d met only at various graduations, weddings, and funerals. But two of the albums focused on my little corner of the family. There were pictures of me and Gracie at the Kenilworth house. Me and Gracie on a sailboat in the middle of the lake. Me and Gracie at Disneyland.
My mom and dad were in all of the pictures that featured me and Gracie, but there were earlier pictures, too. Pictures without either of us that looked old enough to be from before even Gracie was born. My mom was in all of those photos, my dad in very few. In some, Jahn stood beside my mother, his arm around her as she leaned against him, smiling and radiant.
I wondered if my father was the one behind the camera, but I had a strange feeling that he wasn’t. Instead, I had the feeling that I was a voyeur. That I’d stumbled on something I wasn’t supposed to know about.
Feeling melancholy, I closed the albums, put them back in the drawer, and made a mental note to mail them to my mom.
I poked around a bit more in Jahn’s bedroom and found a battered address book that included Evan’s name, but when I dialed, I heard only the message that the number had been disconnected. I would have called the office and talked to Jahn’s secretary, but it was Saturday, and this hardly seemed like the kind of thing I should bother her at home for.
I was about to ditch the whole thing and give Flynn or Kat a call, when I realized there was one more place I could check. I reached for my phone, searched the Internet for Destiny, and dialed.
“Destiny,” a woman’s voice crooned. “Where your fantasy is our pleasure.”
“Um, yeah. Hi.”
“How can I help you?” She sounded perfectly polished while I sounded like an idiot.
“I’m looking for Evan Black. Could you tell me if he’s there right now?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t expect Mr. Black for another hour. Can I have him return the call?”
“Oh. Um, no. Thanks, but I’ll just call back.”
I stabbed my thumb on the button to end the call feeling a bit like I’d just done espionage. I did, however, now have a plan.
I glanced down at myself, and realized I was still wearing yoga pants and the Northwestern T-shirt I’d bought my freshman year. Not exactly appropriate attire for a strip club. Then again, I had no idea what one wore to a so-called gentleman’s club, and though I’d had the chance to find out in college, I’d manage to completely blow that opportunity.
My roommate sophomore year had thought it would be a hoot for a group of us to check out a strip club, and she’d set her sights on Destiny, which she’d heard was the biggest, nicest, least sleazy strip club in the area.
I’d been desperately curious, not only because I knew the knights owned the place, but also because I was dying to know what went on inside a club like that. Were the women completely nude? How exactly did a lap dance work? And were there really private rooms where guys went for a three-martini lunch and a blow job?
And, though I hadn’t shared this little tidbit with my friends, I also wanted the kindling to fuel my imagination. Because even though I didn’t really know what went on inside a gentleman’s club, I’d read enough and seen enough movies and TV to know that at the very least there would be girls doing sexy dances and getting guys hot. Teasing and titillating and being rewarded with bills in their G-strings and the high of adrenaline.
I told myself I only wanted to go and watch and stoke my own fantasies. But it’s not easy to lie to yourself, and the truth was I didn’t want the fantasy, I wanted the rush, and I was afraid that with enough coaxing and enough liquor, I might give in if my friends pushed me up on that stage, expecting me to squeal and blush and rush away. I might surprise them with how much I enjoyed gyrating to the music. With how much it turned me on to know that all those men’s eyes were on me, but they weren’t allowed to touch.
The whole idea got my juices flowing just a little too much, and in the end I backed out. I claimed that I had a paper to write. But really, I was simply determined not to do anything to risk my reputation as a girl who had her shit together and played by the rules.
Tonight, though, I was tossing those rules aside. And that opened the door to a lot of interesting possibilities.
I mean, if nothing else, it was time to have a little fun with my wardrobe.
