Текст книги "My Kind of Forever"

Автор книги: Heidi McLaughlin

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Текущая страница: 12 (всего у книги 18 страниц)

I want to throw my phone across the room, but that would undoubtedly break it, resulting in me having to go out and buy a new one. I can’t even imagine what the headline would be “Liam Page Secures a Secret Phone For His Mistress” or something equally as asinine. Instead, I throw it onto my bed, cover it with a pillow and beat the ever-loving shit out of it.

One would think that I’d feel better, but I don’t. The agony in her voice is the only sound I can hear in the room. When Josie asked if I loved her – her being Layla – it tore my heart out. I should’ve never paused when she mentioned the pictures, but I couldn’t find the words to tell her that it’s all a lie. The only thing I could think of was “it’s not how it looks” and, in my eyes, that makes me look as guilty as fuck. Everything about that conversation went wrong. I knew something was up with all the missed calls and her disjointed voicemail. I should’ve answered the phone differently, but after the bullshit from the media junket, my mind was fried.

Losing my cool with my wife isn’t something I’m proud of. Fighting over the phone isn’t either, and it’s definitely not something I like to do. But finding out my wife believes those shitty ass magazines before even speaking to me is fucking painful. Time and time again, I’ve shown her where it says I was in one place, when in fact I was with either her or Noah. For her to assume that I’d kiss another woman tells me that something is wrong in our marriage, I just don’t know what. But we need to figure it out and fix it because I need her to support my career, just as I’ve supported hers. I can’t do this without her.

I told her before we hung up that I’d call her after Noah is asleep so she and I can have some adult time. I miss my wife and, frankly, my hand isn’t cutting it anymore. Cold showers and lotions are becoming my enemy. I need her to recharge me, to fuel me.

The whiskey taunts me, teasing me. There are too many habits here for me to fall back into and drinking heavily is one of them. The last time I intentionally set out to get drunk was the night before I left to go back to Beaumont. I was lonely and desperate, spending the majority of my nights in a stupor so I wouldn’t have to remember in the morning. That all changed when I hopped on my motorcycle and checked in at the seedy motel just outside of town.

I pour two fingers of whiskey into a tumbler and bring it to my lips. My hard liquor of choice swirls in the glass, waiting to be tasted. One sip won’t hurt. It’ll soothe my anger and pain. It’ll help me fall asleep, and maybe I’ll dream something happy about my life, instead of the recurring nightmare that I’ve been having.

It’s not a nightmare though, at least not when it starts out. I move the chair to face the window and sit down, setting my glass of whiskey on my knee. I close my eyes and it only takes a couple of minutes before the scene replays all over again.

“I can’t be with you anymore, Josephine.”

The slap burns my skin as I hold my hand in place of where hers had just been. When I look at her, I see rage. Never in the years that I’ve known her, have I seen her like this. And I swear she’s just grown five inches and is towering over me.

“Get your spoiled ass in my room now, Liam Westbury, before I cause a scene.”

I do as she says, jumping when she slams the door behind me. Her room is decorated with pictures of her and me, Mason and Katelyn and the four of us together. It looks like Kodak took a crap in here, and it makes me jealous that I’m not a part of her life here.

Josie wraps her arms around me, kissing the spot she slapped. “I’m sorry, baby; it’s just that I’m pregnant.”

Pregnant

Pregnant

“Beaumont’s Golden Boy named manager at Stop ‘N Shop.”

I startle awake, spilling the whiskey down the side of my pants. I remember the night I went to her dorm to ends things, but the dream I keep having doesn’t end like that. She tells me she’s pregnant and my life fast forwards to working in a grocery store to support my family. I would’ve dropped out of college and married her on the spot. I would’ve never been able to provide for her the way she needed me to.

I meant to get her pregnant; although she doesn’t know it and I don’t think I can ever tell her. It was my intention, the night I left campus and drove all night to get to her, yet I didn’t know it was until I felt myself on edge and I made the decision not to pullout. I wanted her pregnant. I needed the excuse to move back to Beaumont and be with my friends.

One weak moment is all it takes and the rest of the whiskey is down my throat. There wasn’t much left, at least that’s what I’m telling myself as I finish off the glass. The burn feels good and instantly starts to numb my self-inflicted pain. My pity party has a reservation for one, and I’ve already arrived.

Pouring another two fingers, I don’t waste any time letting the potent liquor coat the back of my throat. I’ve missed this flavor and I can tell it’s missed me. I pour another, and another, until the bottle provided by the hotel is barely inches from the bottom. The more I drink, the louder her voice is.

“Do you love her?”

“Do you love her?”

“Do you love her?”

“NO!” I roar as I throw the glass against the wall. The bottle of whiskey follows it quickly, shattering into tiny shards of glass as the rest of the booze makes its mark on the otherwise dull wall. I bend over at my waist and start to heave, barely making it to garbage can. It’s been so long since I’ve puked up liquor and it’s a good reminder as to why I shouldn’t drink excessively.

After a long, hot shower, I’m in bed with my laptop, waiting for Josie to connect so we can chat. When she finally does, I’m graced with my beautiful wife, her hair loose on her shoulders and wearing one of my t-shirts.

“Hey, I’ve been looking for that,” I tell her before she can say hi. I know she kept the shirt, but teasing her about it is fun and I like to see her smile.

She grins, pulling the collar up to her nose. “It doesn’t smell like you anymore.”

I adjust myself to a more comfortable position in bed, putting my arms behind my head. My chest is on full display for her, so I’m hoping she can see her name.

“Do you see my tattoo?”

“Yes.”

“What’s it say?” I ask her.

“Jojo.”

“And who is Jojo?”

“Me,” she says.

“Hmm… does Jojo love me?”

She nods. “More than words.”

“I love you, Jojo. I know I’m not home to show you, but I need you to trust me and believe me when I tell you there isn’t another woman in this world that can compete with you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Fuck, baby,” I say as I sit up. “What can I do to prove it? I told everyone at the press junket that I love you and they’ll still twist my words. They need the drama to sell their story. We don’t need that shit in our lives; we have too much going for us.”

“I just worry that I’m not enough. I’m not into that scene and sometimes I feel like you need someone who is.”

“You are more than enough, Jojo. I don’t know what I can do to show you that. You’re the one I want, day in and day out, for the rest of my life. If I can’t have you, I don’t want anyone else.”

“Please stop.” She’s laughing so hard, she’s disappeared from the screen. I know it’s cheesy to recite lyrics, especially ones that I haven’t written, but getting her to laugh was my goal.

“Liam,” she says in a sweet, quiet voice after she’s calmed down. “When you came back I never thought we’d be where we are right now. Please have patience with me. I’m scared and feel like I don’t belong in your world right now.”

“I don’t need anyone but you. But if you want to put on a short mini-skirt and some fuck me heels, I’ll happily prove that fact to you by bending you over the couch and making you scream my name.”

“Oh God.”

“Yeah, you can say his, too.” I pause and study the woman that I love, the person I would quit this life for if she asked me to. “Baby, can you do me a favor?”

“Sure.”

“Show me your boobies. I really miss seeing them.”

Josie rolls her eyes, but takes my shirt off anyway. My eyes bug out slightly because they look larger than the last time I saw them.

“Jojo, did you get a boob job while I’ve been gone?”

“What? No,” she scoffs at me, rolling her eyes. “Why would you say that?”

“Because I know your boobs very well and unless we’re in super high-def, they look bigger.”

“Be nice, Liam or I’m shutting you off.”

I fall back and place my hand over my heart, causing her to laugh. I take advantage of her high spirits and ask her to touch her boobs. She rolls her eyes, but does it anyway. And when I ask her to get kinky with me, she happily puts herself on display for me, reminding me of everything that I’m missing.

When I get to Metro the next day, Harrison is on stage, playing for Layla and her former guitar player. This moment brings back memories, both good and bad, of the first time I ever stepped foot into this place. Once again, Layla owns the stage. It’s like she’s hasn’t even taken a break from performing by the way she’s moving to her music.

JD joins me as I lean against the bar. Before yesterday, I hadn’t shared much about my past with him and figured that after the spectacle I made at the interviews, he’d be full of questions. He hasn’t said or asked anything, and right now I’m very grateful.

“She’s good, Mate.”

“She can definitely perform,” I say, nodding in agreement.

“Everything alright, Liam?” JD asks as he studies me carefully.

JD and I are close, but not as close as Harrison and I. I look at JD now and see how much he has grown up over the past couple of years. I guess getting married, getting shot and having a kid – all within the matter of months – will do that to a person.

“I’m okay, JD.” I tell him, sincerely.

He nods, and bounces on his feet for a few minutes. “I know about Layla.”

“Not much to know,” I say, wishing I could change the subject. “I was young, heartbroken and high. I think you’ve been there a few times?”

“Yeah, no kidding. I just hope I don’t bump into any of them when the missus is around, if you catch my drift.”

“That, I do.”

I don’t know what the hell I’d do if Josie and Layla crossed paths, or if Josie were to ever find out any of the details of the hook-up. It’s a fight that we don’t need to have, ever.

As soon as the set is done, Layla jumps off stage and walks over to me. I hand her one of the bottles of water sitting on the bar, even going as far as to be a gentleman and open it for her.

“Thanks,” she says, out of breath. “Shit, performing takes a lot of out of you. I think I need a year to get ready.”

I look at my watch and laugh. “I think you have about twenty-eight hours before the first show starts.”

“Right,” she says before finishing the water. “So listen, Trixie was hinting about wanting to add some more sets, so I bit the bullet and offered to do some duets with you.”

If I had anything in my mouth, I’d be choking right now. I look at JD, who doesn’t look happy, and then back to Layla.

“What?”

She shrugs, as if it’s no big deal. I mean it’s only my marriage on the line here, not hers.

“Trixie wanted to keep you on stage longer; she says you’re the bigger draw, so I said we’d do some duets. You know, spice it up a little.”

“Shit,” JD says, taking the words right out of my mouth. I’m guessing Jenna has told him about Josie’s freak-out and he knows what’s coming next.

“I don’t know if I can do that, Layla.”

She steps closer and places her hand on my chest. “I remember you and me moving very well against each other back in the day. All you have to do is remember that night.” She turns and walks away, but doesn’t get far. “Oh, and Trixie wants your shirt off when you’re on stage.”

I pick up a stool and cock it back, preparing to throw it but Harrison steps in my path, while JD takes it from my hands.

“Tell her no,” Harrison says.

“I tried.”

He shakes his head. “What is it with you and these chicks? How come they never listen to you?”

“Because they all want is his dick,” JD throws it out there as if it’s a common occurrence – me being propositioned.

“JD, seriously? Sex sells, you know that. Trixie is playing off them damn photos.” I throw my hands up in frustration. I don’t mind doing duets, but not with Layla and not after the fight with Josie.

“Do you think its Trixie or Moreno making the call?” Harrison asks.

JD and I say “Moreno” at the same time and Harrison agrees with us.

“So, are you gonna take your shirt off then?” JD asks, and I shake my head.

“Never have and can’t say that I will unless Josie is front and center and I’m singing to her.”

Even when I’m home in Beaumont and performing, I don’t take my shirt off. My tattoo is for her, and her alone.

Everything happens for a reason. You may not know the reasoning at the time, but eventually it comes to light. Two days ago, I found out that the baby Liam and I have been planning to adopt for months is no longer ours. Meredith, the mom, changed her mind. I get it, I do. A school counselor brought up adoption when I was pregnant with Noah. She was trying to encourage me to stay in school. I never planned to drop out, just live at home until I could graduate. My parents were there to help. I know not everyone is as lucky as I am, but that’s where I thought I could help Meredith. I should’ve known, though. She never let me buy her anything.

I roll over and shut my alarm off before the offending buzzer can jar my already awake body. Sleep has eluded me since Aubrey told me the news. I thought that I’d be more upset, but the fact of the matter is I’m not, and that scares the shit out of me. I should be beside myself with grief, crying my eyes out in agony over the heartache I feel. But all I can tell myself is that this child wasn’t meant to be ours. Still, I have a room full of stuff that he needs, and I plan to give it to him.

My phone rings and Liam’s face appears. I slide the screen open and there he is, my husband. The one I have vowed to love, honor and cherish, and apparently lie to. I haven’t told him about the baby and Meredith. I can’t, at least not over the phone. Right now I feel like we’re Humpty Dumpty and one push will break us. It needs to be done face-to-face, in person, not over the computer or phone. I want to hold him when I tell him the news.

“Good morning,” he says right before he brings a mug of what I’m assuming is coffee to his lips.

“Morning,” I say, as I stretch. He leans forward, trying to get a peek. Unfortunately for him, there’s nothing to see. Since he made a comment about my boobs looking bigger, I’ve kept them hidden. I don’t want to tell him that I’ve been standing in front of the mirror each time I go to the bathroom to see if, in fact, they are.

“What are you doing today?”

“Well, I’m going to take a shower –”

“And think of me?”

I roll my eyes. “Is that all you think about?”

Liam nods since I’ve caught him mid drink. “Yes, babe. Every freaking minute because I haven’t been able to touch you and it’s driving me nuts.”

“You know this isn’t the first time you’ve been away.”

“I know. I missed you then as well, but this time it’s worse because I have downtime and you know how I hate having downtime.”

“I know. Anyway, after my shower, I’m going with Katelyn to take the kids to the cemetery and then we’re going to the park.” I don’t tell him that I’m meeting with Aubrey to fill out some paperwork. Meredith is required to pay us back for the expenses she incurred while contracted with us. The girl doesn’t have any money and part of me feels we should just let it go, but the other part thinks this would be a good life lesson.

“I need to call Noah later.”

“I’ll have him call you when we get to the park. I’m picking him up at Nick’s.”

“Okay, go take your shower and think about my hands all over your body.”

“I always do,” I tell him as I blow him a kiss.

“Love you, babe.”

“Love you, too.”

The screen goes blank and the room fills with silence. I wish Noah were here, but I understand Nick’s view on having him at his house for a few days. I have things to deal with that Noah just won’t understand.

Crawling out of bed, my legs ache. These past few days I’ve been sleeping far too long, even if it’s restless. Passing through my half empty closet, I remind myself to ask Liam for a date as to when he’s coming home. I need him here, and if he thinks home is going to become Los Angeles, he needs to tell me so we can figure things out. It’ll suck, but he’ll have to travel back and forth. He did it after he found out about Noah, and he can do it again. Although, I just want him back in Beaumont with us.

I stop in front of the mirror and lift my shirt over my head. I angle myself to see if I can see what he’s talking about. I don’t want to acknowledge that I’ve gained weight. I haven’t been to the gym in almost a month, and clearly it’s starting to show. I add calling Xander to my list of things to do today.

I step into the shower built for two and blast the hot water. It burns my chilled skin, but it’s a welcomed pain, reminding me that I still feel something. The more I think about the baby, the more it makes sense. Liam and I never discussed names. Neither of us brought it up. When I came across his grandfather’s name I thought it would be a good name, something to carry on. But I also thought Liam would insist we were naming the baby Mason, and he never did.

Mason… every day I think about him and the differences he’s made, even since he’s been gone. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have Liam and most importantly, neither would Noah.

“Hey.”

Mason sits down next me on the park bench. I say hi, but never meet his eyes. I’m focused on Noah and his determination to be a big boy on the playground.

“Have you talked to Katelyn?”

I smile, knowing full well why he’s here. “I have.”

“I knocked her up good.”

When he starts to laugh, I follow suit. Leave it to Mason to turn something scary into something funny. We sit there, watching Noah run from the slide to the swings and back.

“He’s missing out, Josie.”

I sigh and nod. I try not to think about Liam and everything he’s missing, but each time I look at my son, I see his father.

“You’re going to be an amazing father, Mason. Just promise me you’ll never leave her.”

I wipe away the tears that have fallen. He made that promise, but some higher power had different plans for him. The memories I have are starting to fade and I hate that. Mason needs to live on in our lives, and the lives of the girls, but it seems that we’re talking about him less and less. Maybe that needs to change.

Once I’m dried off and dressed, with my hair braided, I’m out the door. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and I can’t help thinking today is going to be a glorious day. Nick texts to tell me he’ll meet us at the cemetery, saving me a trip to his house.

When I pull into the cemetery, Katelyn and the kids are already there. I walk by her car and wave at Quinn, who is staring out the window. Katelyn asks him each time if he wants to get out, but he opts to give the girls their private time. He waves back and offers a sweet Harrison-like smile. Between him and Noah, we’ll be beating the girls away with clubs.

“Aunt Josie, look,” Elle points to the freshly laid flowers on Mason’s grave. Each week they’re here, cleaning and removing any debris. Harrison has been known to come as well, but never tells Katelyn what he says. He tells her that’s between him and Mason.

“Very beautiful, Elle. Your daddy loves them, I’m sure.”

Peyton sits just beyond Mason’s grave, watching the entrance. I look at Katelyn who shrugs and decide to go see how she’s doing.

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing. Just waiting.”

“Did you visit with your dad?”

She shakes her head.

“How come?”

“Elle is too nosey.”

“I see.” I pull my legs to my chest to match her position. “Have you asked your mom to bring you by yourself?”

She shakes her head again.

“I think if you did, she would. Or, ask Harrison. You know he’d bring you.”

Peyton shrugs. “I don’t want my dad to get mad about me wanting to talk to my dad.”

If anyone on the outside of our group didn’t know the situation, they’d be confused. “I think both dads will understand. I know Harrison will. He loves you, Peyton. You know that.”

She sighs and kicks her legs out in front of her. “I miss him and Uncle Liam. When are they coming home?”

I pull her into my side and kiss the top of her head. “Soon,” I tell her, praying that I’m right.

After we finish up at the cemetery, we’re park bound. Peyton is riding with me and as soon as she sees Noah, she’s out of the car and racing toward him. Nick tells me that Aubrey will call me later to discuss some business and tells Noah that he’ll see him later.

The kids run off to the playground as Katelyn and I walk hand-in-hand to the bench. We can sit here for hours and watch them play.

“I have something to tell you.”

“What is it?” she asks, without taking her eyes off the kids.

I lean my head on her shoulder and wait for the tears to start. When they don’t, I am even surer this is the right decision for me, even if I didn’t make it. “Meredith is keeping the baby.”

Katelyn turns in a snap, causing me to hit my head on the wooden bench.

“Ouch, shit, that hurt.”

“Oh crap, Josie are you okay?”

“Yes, and no. My head hurts, but surprisingly I’m okay with Meredith’s decision.” I rub my head, wondering if I have a concussion.

Katelyn grabs my free hand and holds it. The stroke of her thumb against my hand is soothing, but not doing much for the headache that I’m getting.

“I’m so sorry, Josie. I know how much you guys wanted this baby. Do you need me to do anything?”

“Help me clean out the room?” I say, sheepishly. Cleaning is never anyone’s ‘fun’ job. “I think I’m going to give Meredith the stuff. I don’t want it, and it’s really for the baby, not me.”

“I think that’s very noble of you, Josie. You’re a strong woman.”

“I don’t know about that. I’m not even upset. I mean, I was when Aubrey called, but I don’t feel like I think I should.”

“Everyone reacts differently. Doesn’t make you any less of a person.”

“I guess. I still haven’t told Liam. I’m thinking of going out there this weekend since Noah’s game has been moved. Maybe surprise him before breaking his heart.”

“Hearing it from you in person will be better, plus your other news.”

I look at her strangely. “What other news?”

“Oh come on, Josie. If I’m noticing, he has to be noticing.”

I slide away from her and give her my best “what the hell” look.

“You’re pregnant.”

“Am not.”

“Are too. I’ve been there before.”

“So have I, in case you’ve forgotten. I’m not pregnant.”

“Your boobs are bigger and so is your ass.”

My mouth drops open, but she just shrugs. “How dare you!”

“Eh, it’s the truth, and you’d tell me the same thing.”

I turn back to watching the kids and count off the days since my last period. And when that doesn’t work, I try to remember the last time I bought tampons at the store. Still coming up blank.

“Did you figure it out yet?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I tell her, crossing my arms in defiance.

She leans into me, resting her chin on my shoulder. “Josie, I think you’re pregnant. I’ll watch Noah while you scoot over to the hospital for a test.”

“What if I’m not?”

She laughs and sits up straight. “Then Xander has a lot of work to do.”

Katelyn is ducking before my hand even starts flying. I smack her good before I get up and walk away. I know she’s wrong, and I refuse to get my hopes up, but now she has me wondering.

I’ve been here before, many times. There’s a small bandage on my arm from where my blood has been drawn. I’ve peed in a cup and I’ve stripped down and put on a hospital gown. I’ve calculated my last period to the best of my ability, realizing as I was giving my information to the nurse that I am, indeed, late. Now, I wait. Everything in this room is a focal point for me. The ugly border that someone thought would be appealing. The years old magazines that never get replaced even hold my attention. If my ass wasn’t hanging out of the back of my gown, I’d rummage through the cabinets just to see what they keep in there. But I’m not moving.

I refuse to get my hopes up. I shouldn’t even be here, but Katelyn’s right, I have gained weight. Weight loss I could attribute to stress, but not gain.

The soft knock on the door tells me my doctor is about to come in. She smiles at me, which is no indication that I’m pregnant.

“How are you feeling, Josie?”

“Fine, nothing out of the ordinary.” She notes something in my chart and asks me to lie back. I cringe when I hear the snapping of her latex gloves. I put my feet in the stir-ups and close my eyes. This is the most uncomfortable feeling ever.

My doctor makes it quick and painless, telling me I can sit up. Her back is to me, as she writes in my chart again. She turns and sits in her stool, holding my life in her hands.

“You’ve been trying for a long time to get pregnant, Josie.”

I knew not to get my hopes up. I nod in confirmation. No words are needed.

“With that said, let me be the first to say congratulations!”

My mouth drops open and I know for sure I didn’t hear her correctly. “What’d you say?”

“Congratulations, Josie, you’re pregnant.”

“I…wh… are you sure?”

“All your lab work, your urine tests and the check I’ve just completed confirms it. You have a baby growing inside of you.”

I cover my mouth in shock and tell her thank you.

“Don’t thank me, thank your husband.”

“Oh, I plan to.”

She laughs because she knows our history and has been trying to help us conceive for a while.

“When am I due?”

“Well, that’s the thing, Josie. According to your records, you indicated that you’re last cycle was last month, but you’re measuring at about eighteen weeks.”

I don’t tell her that I’m not very accurate on that date. It’s like a test question you didn’t study for and it catches you off-guard. I clearly failed this test.

Her words sound muffled, as if I’m underwater. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“You’re eighteen weeks. Baby Westbury is due in November.”

I put my hand up, and she pauses. “If I’m eighteen weeks, that means I’ve missed multiple periods and you know I’ve been meticulous about keeping track. How can I be this far along?”

She sets her folder down and clasps her hands. “Your body has been going through a lot of stress. Between your attempts at conceiving and the adoption process, your body has simply been functioning. It’s not uncommon for women in this case to miss two periods and not give it a second thought. Once you and Liam stopped trying, your body relaxed, but you didn’t. And in rare cases, the human body doesn’t recognize that there’s a life growing inside of it. I’m going to schedule an ultrasound for later this afternoon.”

“I can’t,” I say, shaking my head. “Liam isn’t home and I can’t do that without him.”

“When will he be back?”

I sigh and bite the inside of my cheek. “I don’t know. He’s working in LA right now. I need to go to him, though, and tell him. Is there a doctor out there that can do the ultrasound?”

She nods and goes back to my folder. “I’ll have it set up for you.” She walks out, closing the door behind her and just like that, the brief happy moment is marred by what ifs. The biggest what if I’m facing is what if this pregnancy isn’t viable. What if, because I was so wrapped up in conceiving, I ignored my body and have hurt my chance at having another baby?

If that’s the case, Liam is going to hate me.