Текст книги "My Kind of Forever"
Автор книги: Heidi McLaughlin
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Текущая страница: 2 (всего у книги 18 страниц)
I’m fighting every urge I have to go baby shopping. Instead, I head home after stopping at the grocery store. Liam and I want to buy things for the baby together. He wants to be there when we pick out a crib, the bedding and, of course, he says that the baby needs rock star approved clothing. I think if he had his way, the baby would have his own motorcycle – and probably tattoos – right from birth.
It’s hard to explain how I feel about adopting. I’m happy, elated and over the moon that in a few short weeks I’ll be holding a baby boy in my arms who I get to call mine, but I’m missing the pregnancy part. I miss rubbing my hand over my stomach and feeling the fluttering and the kicking. I want Liam to touch my stomach and feel his child respond to him. Or have Noah read a story so the baby knows his voice when he gets here. We’re missing these early bonding moments, but I still wouldn’t trade what we have going on right now. The anxiety of being a new mother is there, even if I’ve done this before.
When I pull in I see a football flying through the air accompanied by the sound of voices. Liam is working with Noah and is teaching him everything he knows. As of late, there have been comparisons between the two of them. A reporter stopped us at the mall, asking us for an interview. He’s twelve, almost thirteen, and not even in high school yet and they’re matching him stat for stat with this dad. I could see it in Noah’s eyes, the resentment is building. He was on his way to being a football star long before Liam showed up and I think it upsets Noah that people don’t remember that. He’s not Liam, and he’s not trying to be.
I set the groceries on the counter and head out back to see my boys. I’m sorry... men. Noah has informed me that he’ll no longer be my little boy when he becomes a teenager so I need to make sure he’s referred to properly. My response was to pull him into a hug. That lasted for about two seconds before he squirmed his way out of my arms. He’s growing fast, too fast for my liking, but it was bound to happen.
“Looking good,” I say just as Noah releases a pass back to Liam. He catches it with such ease, much like he did when he and Mason would throw the ball around in Mason’s backyard. When I wanted to make-out and do stupid spontaneous teenage things, Liam wanted to work on his arm. It wasn’t until senior year that he relaxed and now I know why. He was planning to quit football, even if he didn’t know it at the time.
He changed our senior year. I can see that now. Back then I was blinded by love, college and freedom. I thought that Liam, and I were invincible and nothing could bring us down or break us. Turns out, I was the one to break us because I couldn’t see past the quarterback I fell in love with. I couldn’t see the hurt and pain he was living with day in and day out. I only provided more stress by trying to do everything I could to keep my dreams alive. I was all set to just be his wife, but he gave me the opportunity to be someone better, someone extraordinary. He gave me the opportunity to grow up and find the me I needed to be without him guiding our path. It just sucks how it all happened.
“How was school, Noah?”
“Fine.”
“Did you do your homework?”
“Yep.”
He continues to throw the football back and forth with Liam, never taking his gaze off his dad. This is how our conversations have gone lately – I ask a question and get a one word answer in return. Sometimes I understand when he replies with “not fair” after some sort of punishment has been handed down. Lately, it’s been because he hasn’t turned in his homework. He earns great grades and does his homework, but forgets to hand it in. The only way Liam and I thought we could get the point across was to remove all his electronic devices from his room. It hasn’t really helped, but his forgetfulness is getting better. Funny how he never forgets anything when it comes to sports.
“Did you stop at the store?”
“I did,” I answer Liam. “I picked up a variety – chicken, steak and hot dogs.”
Liam tosses the ball back to Noah and tells him he has to start cooking dinner. He comes over to me, rests his hands on the chair that I’m sitting in and kisses me. Noah makes gagging sounds in the background causing both of us to smile. When he starts to pull away, I clutch his t-shirt preventing him from leaving me. We’re not into heavy displays of affection in front of Noah, but he knows that his parents love each other. Liam always has his hand on my back or on my hip or our fingers are locked together.
“Have you told him?” I whisper only for Liam to shake his head.
“I was waiting for you.”
He kisses me again before he helps me stand. It’s these small moments that make me wish I were pregnant because of how Liam is around me. Although, he’d likely want to put me in a bubble to prevent any injuries or potential dangers that could come my way.
Noah hasn’t exactly been very welcoming of the fact that another human will be living with us. He wanted a dog, but Liam and I wanted a baby. We’re the parents; we won the battle, but have paid dearly for it with pre-teen attitude.
Liam asks Noah to come into the house with us for a few minutes. The request is met with some type of boy grunt, followed by the kicking of grass. If Bianca and I were close I’d ask her if Liam was like this. Maybe Mason was and I can ask Mr. Powell how he dealt with the constant sighing, one-word answers and eye rolling. I must be crazy to want to do this again. Right now I think crazy is a good thing.
As soon as the three of us sit down at the table I’m taken back to the time when Liam came over for dinner and we told Noah that Liam’s his dad. Noah knew, of course, after he heard his teachers talking about Liam during a field trip to the sports museum. Mason and Liam had made such a name for themselves that the town wanted to remind everyone just how amazing they were.
Liam takes my hand in his and looks at our son who is looking anywhere but at us. I hate that he’s so disinterested, but I get it. Liam takes a deep breath and squeezes my hand.
“Today, your mom and I got to see the baby. Would you like to know what we’re having?”
“A monkey?”
“Noah,” I say with a hint of displeasure in my voice. I know it’s hard to make this adjustment, but sometimes changes are good for people, for families.
“What?” he says with a hint of laughter in his tone. “A monkey would be great then we could watch it pick its own butt.”
Liam isn’t taking Noah’s bait and looks at him sternly. “It’s a boy.”
This time Noah rolls his eyes and pushes away from the table. “Great. Now you can start from the beginning and be there for everything that you missed with me. That’s why you’re doing this, right? So you can make up for what you missed? This baby isn’t even going to look like us. You’re taking some stranger’s baby and the only reason she’s giving you her kid is because you’re famous.”
I gasp and Noah looks at me. There are tears in his eyes. I shake my head, but he’s already storming out of the room. Liam goes to stand, but I stop him.
“Are we making a mistake?” I can’t believe the words that come out of mouth. My heart’s breaking in two right now, half for my son who doesn’t understand and half for the little boy who has yet to be born and is in need of parents who will care about him.
“Josie, we’re not making a mistake. He’s right though. I can’t help but feel like this is my chance to make up for what I missed. Even now, there’s so much that I don’t know about having a pregnant wife. I can’t feel your stomach or ask you how my baby is doing. I don’t even get to go to the store and buy you pickles and ice cream only for you to tell me you don’t want them anymore. I won’t be able to hold your hand while you’re in labor or be there to cut the cord.”
I stand and force my way into his lap. I hold him to me, stroking the back of his neck while I think of what needs to be said. I can’t change the past and I know he’s not asking me to. I don’t want this baby to be a substitute, but if that’s how Noah’s looking at it, maybe we haven’t considered everything.
“We want this baby, right?” he asks, pulling away slightly so he can see me. I nod and attempt to blink away my tears. “I have to find a way to help Noah understand that I’m not replacing him. The last thing I want is for him to run to Nick.”
Threading my fingers through his hair, I look deeply into his blue eyes. “He won’t run to Nick.”
“Don’t be so sure.”
I rest my forehead against his and sigh. Our lips meet briefly before I pull away and look at him. “Aubrey’s pregnant. If Noah is acting like this with us, he’ll do the same with Nick.”
“I’m going to go talk to him,” Liam says tapping my hip to get me to stand.
“No, I will. I need the chance to still be his mommy.”
There isn’t a handbook on how to handle something like this and no one I can really ask. Harrison and Katelyn merged their families nicely, but there wasn’t a baby involved. Even when Eden is here, Noah doesn’t pay attention to her. I chalked it up to being a boy, but maybe it’s something different. I don’t want to think that Noah’s jealous, but maybe he is, although most of us are jealous of the attention Eden receives. She has each of the guys wrapped around her finger.
I knock once before twisting the knob and pushing his door open enough to peek in. He’s lying on his bed, tossing his football in the air. He looks so much like Liam at this age – even though he and I weren’t friends back then, I still saw him around town. Katelyn and I used to watch him and Mason play football on Saturdays, riding our bikes over to the park. Then, high school changed everything for me.
Noah doesn’t stop when I sit down on the edge of his bed so I do what any mom would do; I lie down next to him and catch the ball. I think it’s funny, but he doesn’t and lets out a huge overdramatic sigh.
“Life sucks, doesn’t it?” I hand him back his football, knowing he likes to feel the leather against his fingertips.
“No.” I pause, wondering if he’s being truthful or sarcastic. At this age, it’s hard to tell.
“Noah, I’d really like you to give me full answers. I came up here to talk to you. I know you’re going through a lot of changes and if you don’t want to talk to me, you can talk to your dad.”
“I don’t want to talk to him.”
I roll onto my side and turn his face toward me. His blue eyes glisten with tears. “Why not?” I try to keep my voice stoic because he can’t know that I’m falling apart on the inside.
“He wants to replace me.”
“Oh Noah,” I cry out with my hand covering my mouth. “That isn’t true. Your dad loves you so much. This baby isn’t going to change that.”
“Yes, it will. He’ll want to be with the baby instead of throwing the football around or coming to my games.”
I shake my head. “You’re his best friend, Noah, and a baby isn’t going to change that. It’ll be years before he can do the things that you guys do together and when the baby is ready, you’ll be off in college.”
“Why do you want a dumb baby anyway?”
“Because this family has a lot of love to give to someone who needs it. His parents don’t want him and I don’t know about you, but I bet it feels really bad to not be wanted.”
Noah looks at me for a minute or so. He has a few tears falling onto his pillow, but I don’t bring attention to them. He’s a big boy now, almost a man according to him.
“It’s a boy?”
“Yeah. I’m stuck with another Westbury man. I’m never going to win any battles.”
Noah laughs and wipes at his face angrily. “Can you promise me that nothing will change?”
“I promise, Noah.”
It’s moments like these that make me despise Sterling even more. If he had been a better father maybe I could handle the situation with Noah better. I’m flying by the seat of my pants with each problem that arises. That’s not the way to raise a child. I could probably benefit from some classes or maybe even therapy to get over the issues I have with my parents. Either way, shit with Noah has to change. He has to know I’m here for him no matter what, even when I’m on tour or locked in the studio recording. He’s my priority in life.
So is Josie, and that’s why I need to tell her about this ridiculous book that is coming out. I understand that people have the freedom to say as they want, but you should never profit off ruining another person’s image or potentially their life. Writing a book about me, my band, or anyone else for that matter, without their consent, should be against the law. I don’t know what I’m more pissed about – the fact that this journalist was able to get her hands on Sam’s diaries and Mr. Moreno allowed it, or the fact that shit happened in my life that I never intended to tell Josie about. The Sam shit I can deal with, but I’m not so sure that Josie will be very keen on finding out about the other stuff and how much of a douche I really was.
I start preparing dinner for everyone. Over the past year or so I’ve become a self-proclaimed master with the grill. No one tells me my skills make their food taste nasty, so the title stays. Josie is my dessert maker. She makes a mean chocolate cake. It tastes even better when she’s not sharing it with my friends.
At least once a week we’re eating at each other’s houses. I believe there’s some sort of secret agreement that we switch, but I can’t confirm. I just do what I’m told and go where directed. It’s best to not ask too many questions. The only time I need to be prepared is when we’re going to Nick’s or he’s coming over here. I respect his relationship with my son, but that’s as far as it’s going for me. I can tolerate him, but I adore Aubrey. She’s a firecracker for sure... and a lifesaver.
Small, yet strong arms wrap around my waist causing me to put the knife that I’ve been using down. After wiping my hands with the nearby towel, I turn and pull Josie closer to me. She’s been crying and as much as I want to cup her face and smooth out her frown lines, the last thing she needs from me are remnants of meat on her skin.
“Everything okay?”
“I think so,” she says as she puckers up for a kiss for which I’m all too happy to oblige. “Noah just needs a little reassurance that you’re not replacing or making a substitute for him. He’s concerned that you won’t spend time with him. I reminded him that by the time the baby is old enough to do fun stuff with you, he’ll be going off to college and he seemed okay with that.”
I pull Josie into a hug so she won’t see the hurt and confusion etched across my face. If I’ve done something to give Noah that idea, then I’ve failed him as a father. Maybe I need to take a step back and reevaluate how I am with him... find ways to make him feel even more connected to me. Thing is, I’m not sure how. We share a common love for football and baseball, but aside from sports, Noah and I are two different people which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
I see a lot of me in Noah and it scares me. I was gung ho, balls to the wall, devoted to football. Camps, clinics, practice and game films made me happy until I met Josie. She was the icing on my proverbial cake. I had her and football at the same time and was happier than a pig in shit. That was until the sport I loved started slowly eating away at my soul. What I loved doing soon felt like a chore. The desire to achieve greatness went away little-by-little every time I stepped out onto the field or had a game film to watch. I no longer cared if I broke records or held titles, but others cared and I had to go out and make sure their dreams were coming true.
My father was a whole other story – one that’s hard to talk about. He’s the reason I quit, the reason why I gave up on what could’ve been an amazing career. He’s the reason I chose a school that I didn’t want and the coach who didn’t care if I was there or not. I gave my dad too much power over me and I won’t do that to Noah. He needs to be the one to make decisions about his career. If he plays football, great! I’ll be in the stands. If he decides to do something else, I’ve got his back one hundred percent. I won’t be Sterling, but I also won’t let him be a bum or walk all over his mother and me.
“Liam, are you okay?”
“What?” I pull back from her to find her eyes full of concern.
“Well, I’m not complaining about the marathon hug, but we have people due here any minute and your meat is getting warm.”
Josie realizes her blunder the moment the words cross her lips. I cock my eyebrow and move my hips back and forth, earning an epic eye roll.
“You’re horrible.”
I laugh and release her from my hold. “Hate to break it to you, but you said warm meat.”
Josie slaps me on the ass before moving to the other side of the kitchen to prepare what looks like salad and hopefully a chocolate cake for later. I should probably run out and get some flowers for when I drop the bomb about the book coming out. Who am I kidding? Flowers won’t even come close to making everything okay. I’m going to need a grand gesture, but I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to buy her forgiveness. I’m not. I don’t want it. I did what I had to do to at that time in my life. Had I known about Noah, I would’ve been back here in a heartbeat, but I didn’t. I can’t be faulted for my actions, at least I hope not.
“What are you looking at?”
Her question catches me off guard. I smile and shake my head slightly. “You. You’re so fucking beautiful. I don’t know how I got so lucky.”
Josie shrugs. “Easy,” she says as she walks over to me. “You asked, and I said yes.”
The backyard fills quickly with the gang, better known as the band and their families. If I didn’t know better, I’d think they all arrived together, but they’re just punctual. I watch out the window, looking at my two best friends with their kids while the wives are in the corner giggling about something. Even my wife is with them saying who knows what.
JD is holding a squirming Eden, who’s eager to get down and play. Once she was born, Josie, and I decided to put a swing set play structure in our backyard. The kids spend so much time over here we thought it’d be nice if they had a place to escape to and get out of our hair.
It’s odd to think about how far we’ve come and how we ended up in Beaumont. Me being here is easy to figure out, but Harrison and JD didn’t have to follow. They did and because of my decision to move back here, the band is struggling. We’re not a guaranteed sold out show any more and at best we’re an opening act. We’re not getting the calls we need, or the radio airplay. It’s my job to fix this so the kids have futures. I’m just not sure I can fix it here.
As soon as I step outside, Harrison and JD give up on dad duties and come over to the grill. Last summer, Josie and I decided to spruce up the backyard and had a custom patio with an outside kitchen installed along with a fire pit and pool. The backyard became our oasis. A place where we can spend time as a family, or entertain our friends. I still prefer the tower on Friday nights, though, even if I can only go when it’s the off-season.
I motion toward the refrigerator and Harrison keeps up with his best man duties by grabbing us each a beer. There’s a built in can opener right on my counter and the tops fall directly into a bucket. It’s clear I’m amused by the simple things because that’s one of my favorite pieces in this outdoor kitchen.
“I feel like I just saw ya,” Harrison says as he hands me my beer. I take a long pull before setting it down so I can flip the meat on the grill.
“You work in my basement, of course you just saw me,” I say as I pull the lid down.
“Have you given any more thought to helping out Trixie?”
His question catches me off guard. I look at JD, who is magically off in la-la land with his bottle of beer. Clearly these two have been up to something.
“I wasn’t aware of any options.”
JD mutters something that I can’t quite make out and I look to Harrison for confirmation. He runs his hands over his beanie, his tell when something’s on his mind.
“What’s up?” I say to both of them.
“There’s a benefit concert being organized. A few of the musicians that have come through there are looking to save Metro from closing. They asked if we want to play. I told them I didn’t know, but they asked me to come back and play in the house band,” Harrison says straight to the point.
“Did you know this earlier?” Something tells me Harrison may have a hand in planning this benefit concert. It took a lot of convincing to get Harrison to leave Metro when Sam wanted to sign me and eventually us. But he was worth it. I thought that then and I still think that now.
“I did, but wasn’t sure how you’d react since I dropped the book bomb.”
I nod. He’s right. The book news is enough to ruin my day even though we should be celebrating. We will be celebrating. “Let’s eat and discuss it later,” I say as I take the meat off the grill.
JD whistles loudly and all the noise in the yard hushes. “Dinner,” he says, much to the delighted screams of five kids.
As soon as everyone is situated and they’re digging in, I tap my fork against my bottle of beer. I stand once I have everyone’s attention. “I know we’re together a lot and we’re as close as any family so tonight Josie, Noah and I want to thank you for coming over and celebrating with us. Earlier this afternoon we found out that the baby we’re adopting is a boy.”
The cheers are loud and boisterous. I watch for any sign that Noah is going to have a meltdown or cause any drama and I see none. He’s sitting between Quinn and Peyton, and the three of them are chatting away.
“Harrison and JD, I’ll be requiring your assistance with getting the room painted.”
“Wait, Dad?”
I turn my gaze to Noah, who is now standing. “I thought we could do it together.”
Josie gasps and quickly covers her mouth and I have to swallow hard to find my voice. “I wouldn’t want it any other way, buddy.” I tell him as I walk over to him and bring him into my arms.
Noah and I are both learning and adapting to the impending change. I have to learn what it’s like to have a newborn around and he has to learn to share. Together I think we can get it done.
