Текст книги "Never Give Up"

Автор книги: Heidi Lis

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Текущая страница: 11 (всего у книги 16 страниц)

“Fuck, we need to find her.”

The way I acted today it’s like a stake in my chest, and the image my little brother planted in my head is pushing that stake in a little further. I screwed up, plain and simple. My girl is out there alone, thinking no one understands what she went through or how she feels, especially right now and she’s right.

My pretty girl had waited five years before she was with another guy, and that alone makes my head dizzy. Nick, that little prick, slid his way into her good side. I had met him a few times when I was with Liza. Shit, at the time I was encouraging him to hit on Liza’s roommate. The roommate I knew as Pip. Hell, I even questioned who the heck has a name like that. I never pushed Liza about it, never cared, to be honest. The only thing I feel right now, is damn stupid.

Liza, is a cool chick and crazy in bed. She helped ease the pain. I escaped my inner turmoil to the one who got away from me. I was honest with Liza, and she knew I had some deep rooted feelings for a girl I was with long ago. I never offered more, and she never pushed. A major reason it worked for us. She liked to have fun, and I liked to party. Remembering back now, I wish I could have put the pieces together, but how? I never saw it coming. Liza’s roommate, aka Pip, was my Elsa Winters…my pretty girl.

Slap me silly, this is some seriously screwed up shit. Add that to the realization that I was also a father to a baby boy we created back five years ago. Whose head wouldn’t be fucked up? Oh man.

The one and only time I had made a girl mine, was the time that a condom had not worked, and because of that, I knocked her up. Even though I’m royally pissed off, it’s not her fault. She most likely hates me after today, and that’s not a great feeling to have to live with. I fucking love that girl. Knowing she was forced to go through all of that alone, that her parents disowned her, makes my skin boil. Her parents are pieces of shit in my by book. When they turned their backs on her, she had to be crushed and scared. A fucking testament to how strong my girl really is. I have no clue how she did it? But, because of her, our son lives and breathes.

I should have been there. I would have had the chance to hold her hand and kiss her forehead. Sure we were young, but I would have made sure we were together. All of it ripped away from us, a life experience we will never get back. This will haunt us for the rest of our lives.

Telling my parents, this afternoon was beyond painful. My father seemed almost as pissed as I had been. He was the one pushing me away from her, but now he’s so furious he has a grandchild he will never see. Somewhere deep down, it seems he likes my pretty girl as much as I do. Well, maybe not that much. Though he acts different now then he did back then. My mom was shattered and in tears, and that crushed me even more. She was horrified to learn that Elsa’s parents made her feel like an outcast. Hell, none of us could believe that one. She was alone, the whole nine months and during the delivery, too. Not knowing what a woman goes through during childbirth, my mom painted the picture and it down right frightened me. When I explained to my mom, I understood the concept of what actually happens, I was scolded for being insensitive to the many emotions a woman goes through. I kept my mouth shut from that point on.

Taking her word for it all, Matt and I, left canvassing the area for her Honda Accord. I called Liza dozens of times telling her what happened, it seems she was as clueless as I was about the baby. It seems like Nick had known all about it, and he made sure I got a play by play of how much darkness my girl has been in. He called me ‘heartless’ and a ‘spineless fuck’ for placing blame on her. The sick part is, I agreed with him. The bastard was right, I was a complete dick all the way, no matter how you looked at it.

I need to find her, explain how sorry I am. I swear I won’t stop telling her and begging for her to give me a chance to make it up. I want to hug her and let her cry it out with me. We need to talk about the baby, I need to hear her story. No interruptions, no one around. Just us, like it should have been all along. If I’d only listened to her!

I fumble with the phone, dialing her number for the hundredth time, “Fuck, she won’t answer me.” Not even bothering to end the call, I throw my phone toward my brother.

“Shit, settle down,” he fumbles around, trying to pick up my phone that is lying between his feet. “Between Liza, Nick and you and I, all looking for her, she’ll show up. We’ll find her, Micah. Just don’t lose your shit again. When we find her, and we will, you better keep your composure and beg as if your ass depends on it. Because brother, I got to tell you, right now you suck.”

Okay, can’t argue with him on that, but I’ve never seen Matt so worked up over any girl I’ve been with before. I’ve always known he liked Elsa, took a liking to her right away. He also knew he better never try to make a move on her or else I’d beat his ass. It was a running joke between us back in the day.

Recalling our fun chats when it came to my pretty girl makes me chuckle. “Why thanks for your load of confidence, brother. AND thank you, Einstein, I know I screwed up today. I just need to find her safe and sound. The rest will be okay. My pretty girl will understand…she has to.” My confidence is not what I’d like it to be, I just need to remain positive. If I let my insecurities creep in now, I will lose my shit all over again.

My phone, which is now lying in Matt’s lap, beeps with an incoming text. I go to grab for it, but he has it already held up away from my reach.

“Christ Micah, eyes on the road. I’ll read it to you.” He huffs before running his fingers over the buttons and reads it.

“Says…oh, it’s from Liza. Looks like Elsa went back to the apartment but left…”

I’m white knuckling the steering wheel, ready to turn back the other way to her apartment until he said she left. Now I’m looking at him, panicked.

“Left…what. What is it, MATT?” His eyes remain on the phone, but they are wide, and I’m not liking the unsettling feeling washing over me.

The way he’s tapping my phone against his forehead is not a good sign. My eyes squint, my lips are thin, and I’m counting to thirty.

“Um…she says she left again…with Nick.” That’s all he says, and when he does, it’s slow and drawn out, I can feel he’s staring at me gauging my reaction.

I’m breathing heavy, mentally counting. Once I’m in the fifties I let out a big powerful sigh. To say I’m a bit angry is putting it mildly. I’m stark raving mad.

“WHAT? Why the fuck would she leave with Nick? Jesus Christ!” My mind is all over the place, and all I can see is him comforting her… my girl…my pretty girl.

“One finger, if he touches her with one fucking finger, I’ll kill him. She’s vulnerable, and if he takes advantage of it…Oh man. I hope like hell he is as smart as I think he is.”

I have to trust my pretty girl, though. There’s no way Elsa would allow that. She wouldn’t do that. Not to me, not now. Her being pissed at me is one thing, but my girl would not sleep with another guy knowing I’m back and we’re working things out. The idea of her turning to him for comfort…is like a kick in the gut.

“GOD DAMMIT.”

“Micah, don’t think the worst, man.”

Slamming my hand against the steering wheel, I’m crazy with the thoughts that are playing out in my mind. The one guy she slept with after all this time, is now comforting her. That is the one thing that’s killing me, she should have never needed to go to him, and that’s on me.

I have to pull the car over on the side of the road, it’s the only thing I can do to calm my nerves. With car in park, I lay my head back, rubbing my nose with my fingers. Breathing slowly, I grab my phone from my brother and try El one more time. Of course, it goes to voicemail. My once raging anger is now melting into anxious need. I need her, I want to be the one holding her.

I leave a message.

Elsa, please call me back, baby. I..I..I need to hear your voice. I’m hurting here, pretty girl, I’m worried and I have so much regret. I’m so fucking sorry for the way I acted earlier. I have left you so many messages. I get that you don’t want to hear from me, but why him? Why Nick? It’s me, Elsa. It should be me, not him. I need you just as much as you need me. Just call me… please, for the love of God, call me baby. I’ll coming running to you, pretty girl. I swear I will. Just give me the chance.

I press end call.

Without looking at Matt, I say. “She’s with him brother, what does that mean for me?” Tears burn my eyes. “I really fucked up.”

He sighs reaching for my shoulder, holding his hand there. “Look Micah, he has been the one who has comforted her for years. It’s only natural she would turn to him.”

They say the truth hurts, and I could not agree more right now.

“Let's go home Matt, she will call when she’s ready… I hope.”

“Give her time, just give her time.” Matt says keeping his gaze out the window.

Nodding, I start up my car and pull away from the gas station I ended up parking in. Home is our two bedroom house we rent together. This little house has been home to us for a while now. After coming back home, I refused to stay with my parents. Matt was a likely choice since I needed a friend, and we liked the idea of neither one of us living back at home.

BEFORE GOING TO sleep, I call her yet again. No answer, no text messages and I’m dying on the inside. I thought I would have heard from her by now. Surely, she has to be home. This gives me an idea, I text Liza.

Me: Hey Liza, El home yet?

Liza: Hell no, wish she was. Nick will keep her safe, but I wish she would call me. Her not calling me tells me how upset she is.

Me: Let me know when she gets home…The minute she walks in… please!

Liza: It’s up to her, sorry no can do.

Me: It’s that, or I come and sleep on your front door…take your pick.

Liza: Jesus Christ, wish you got this worked up over me when we were…shit…forget that.

Me: Don’t go there, this is about her…not us. Please understand.

Liza: Going to bed…Later.

I should have known she would not be much help, but this is not about us. I left her for El, her roommate. She has to understand the history Elsa and I share. Especially now, knowing we have a child out there.

“Hey, bro’ any news before I turn in?” Matt asks appearing in my doorway.

I shake my head before answering. “Not a word Matt, not a word.”

Tapping his fingers on the wall, he’s worried but trying to hide it. “Just let it be tonight, tomorrow is another day.”

“Yeah…sure.” I grimace.

Sitting alone in the dark, I replay my jackass behavior and then my mind wanders to the sounds of a baby crying. Tears fill my eyes, and I’ve never felt this helpless before.

I decide one last time to text her knowing I’ll toss and turn all night with worry.

Me: My sweet Elsa, please, just one word to let me know you are okay. Safe. I’m suffering like hell here, pretty girl. And I deserve it. I know I do. I deserve every bit of hell I’m going through because I brought it on myself. Just give me this, please? Are you okay baby?

Nothing…so I wait…nothing again…so I wait…then nothing.

Me: Please don’t tell me I lost you…not again?

Elsa

EVERY PART OF MY body hurts. My muscles ache, my eyes are puffy, and my head might split in two. I feel like the walking dead today. I’ve never cried so much in my life, reading Micah’s last text had me rethinking my life and where it’s heading. Never did it enter my mind that I could ever turn my back on him. Is that what I should do? Has too much happened between us? Will he always blame me? I can’t imagine we could have a nice long life together while deep down, he has some resentment toward me. Hell, deep down a part of me resents myself.

Standing in the doorway to his bedroom, Nick stands, staring. “Hey sleepy head, how are you feeling today?” He asks smiling. “You sure as hell didn’t sleep, I heard you crying all night. My shirt’s still soaked.” Glancing at his shirt I can easily see what he’s talking about, there are patches of wet spots from where I held on tight, crying while he held me.

Lowering my head, I’m embarrassed this is where I ended up, but I needed him. Like always, my trusted friend put his feelings aside to comfort me. He listened, he wiped my tears and let me vent my frustrations. I owe him so much, and I know I don’t deserve him. As if he can read my mind, he strolls over and sits next to me.

My smile hits his caring eyes. “I owe you so much, thank you for just being you,” I say laying my head on his shoulder. “Wow, what a difference a day can make.”

A sigh escapes his lips. “That’s for sure.” Adjusting our bodies so I’m leaning against his, Nick slowly rubs my arm. “You know you don’t need to see him again, he doesn’t deserve you. After the way he acted yesterday,” he’s struggling to find the right thing to say. “You deserve better, Elsa.”

I heard it from him all last night. He sat and listed all the reasons why I should let Micah go. Unfortunately, my heart never believed in one.

“Yeah,” I sigh. “Maybe you’re right,” I say it, but don’t for one minute believe it. The only thing my mind is concentrating on is what he’s doing right now. With every nagging thought, I bite my lip and wonder. “He has to be going stir crazy, he knows I’m with you, all night by now.” I can only imagine how frantic he is.

Nick arches his eyebrow before letting out a chuckle. “I love the fact he knows you spent the night with me, serves him right.” Of course he does.

Realizing I need to get this over with, I leave my dear friend, and head back home to face the music. All the way home I’m sick with worry. I have no idea what I’ll come home too. Unlocking the door to our building, I look around for him, but I don’t see him. I feared I’d find him camping out by my door or parked in the parking lot. Breathing a sigh of relief, I head to my apartment thinking so far so good.

Pushing the door open, I don’t have to wait long to wonder where he is. He’s here, looking disheveled. Eyes bloodshot, clothes wrinkled, he looks plain awful. He’s sitting with a very pissed off looking Liza. Wow, can’t imagine these two sitting together was a fun time.

Keeping my silence, I shut the door and quietly stroll over to the kitchen table and put my purse down. The eerie quiet from them both has me on pins and needles. Not sure what the hell to say, I decide not to say a word and walk to my room.

“Where the hell have you been, El?” He doesn’t raise his voice, or sound mad, in fact, his voice is filled with so much regret and sadness. I’ve never heard him like this, well, that’s not entirely true. Last night in his messages, he sounded pretty much with the same regretful tone.

I stop and turn back to face him, seeing him deflated and lost is not comforting at all. I should be the one who is pissed off, but I’m not. I’m tired and drained. Continuing to walk to my bed, I sit, and out a sigh. Lowering my head into my hands.

Micah joins me, kneeling in front of me settling between my legs.

“Pretty girl, why baby? Why go to him? Why spend the night with him?” He pauses when I partially close my eyes, knowing the tears are coming. “Me, Elsa, you should have been with me.”

My nerves and lack of sleep have my tolerance at an all time low, and his remark has hit a nerve. “Really?” I say with a bit more sarcasm than I intended. He’s taken back with it as well as his eyes winced.

“Hell yes, it’s my job to comfort you. Not his.” Clenching his fists, I can see he is contemplating his next words carefully. “Look, I screwed up…badly. Baby,” he says, stretching out his hand for mine, “you just turned my world upside down. I didn’t handle it well and took it out on you. I was so wrong. Please say you forgive me.” His intense look and warm feel of his touch, softens all of my anger I had with him yesterday.

With his arms around my legs, he squeezes them tightly, laying his head in my lap. Not being able to stop myself, before I know it, I’m running my fingers through his hair. Comforting him, helps ease me in strange ways. The tears form and fall with ease, and it’s not just my tears that are falling. With each tear that escapes his eyes, a part of my soul weeps. I can also feel my pants getting wet from the tears Micah is shedding.

“I’m so damn sorry, El. I’m hurting here…and I’m scared.”

His apology is all I needed.

“About what?” I choke out.

“Losing you, babe. I can’t lose you…not again. Put me out of my misery Elsa, will you forgive me?” Staring back, his eyes highlight his pain and agony, if he only knew seeing him this way is agony in itself.

Biting my lower lip, my tears fall faster. How I ever thought I could stay mad at this guy is beyond frustrating. If he only knew how much of my heart he owned.

“Can I show you something?” I shakily ask him knowing how significant this moment is going to be.

His head peers up. “Of course.”

Not an easy task with him in my lap, but I finally stand. Pulling off my jeans to expose my hip, I reveal my tattoo.

Staring back to him, I ask, “What do you see?”

Hesitantly, his fingers gently trace my butterfly. He’s nervous, his eyes squint and the gentle shake of his head tells me he’s taking it all in.

“Butterfly, honey. I see a butterfly…and the letter M.”

“You’re very observant. Can you make out two letters M’s sideways to make the wings?”

“Yeah,” tracing the wings with his finger, he parts his lips in a smile.

“Remember when I told you I named our son?” Saying the word son out loud causes me great pain.

The unrest in his eyes resonate with me, “Oh honey, I can…”

Sobbing my voice cracks, “Michael. I named him Michael. Micah and Michael, two names that start with the letter M. The two loves of my life forever commemorated by a simple butterfly.”

My words must hit home with him, because he eagerly draws me into him. His cheek resting against my hip. He gently kisses my butterfly as tears continue to fall down his cheeks. Having his tears wash over my tribute to him and our son…there are no words to describe those emotions.

“I love you so damn much Elsa. Oh God, I’m so fucking sorry.”

His words grip a hold of my heartstrings. Pulling me to him, my body crashes into him. His arms cradle me, so we are face to face, cheek to cheek our tears mix getting lost in each other’s gaze. Pools of tears give way to the sweetest, most incredible tender kiss I’ve ever experienced. Our lips, soaked with salty tears, graze one another when we both halt our precious moment. It’s a silent realization; iris to iris…we both feel it. No words are necessary, it’s as if our eyes are in a deep conversation of their own.

A moment passes, a very monumental one at that. It’s like our broken souls have finally found their way home. All the aches in my heart finally have this ease. To prove we were both thinking the same thing, together we mouth the words, “I love you.”

Bruno Mars is filling my room with his sweet voice. When I was your man, is playing on my iPod. Pulling us off the floor I lay in bed cocooned in Micah’s arms. Laying side by side, my play-list sets the mood. We take this time to hold one another, get lost in each other’s eyes, while holding hands. I think we finally both found where we belong…home.

Before long, we both drifted off to sleep. Sleep did not come last night for either one of us, and now it has taken over our wrecked bodies.

It’s the light whisper in my ear and the warm sensation spreading across my body that alerts me to the fact Micah must be awake. Before long, my shirt is being pulled up over my head. Surprisingly, my jeans and panties have already been stripped, and I have no memory of that happening. Right now, I don’t care. A few moans suddenly escape my throat.

“Ssshhh, no words, pretty girl. Let me love you like you should be loved.” He sweetly whispers in my ear.

Not wanting to ruin this moment, I silently nod. My arousal is on high alert and my nipples harden under the gentle grazing of his fingers. The way he is caressing me is a straight bee-line to my aching clit. Closing my eyes, I moan softly. Micah’s arousal is evident as it’s stabbing me in the lower back. I’ve also noted he has stripped himself naked.

Damn he is good.

I hope he doesn’t flip me over. I’m desperate for him to take me this way. I want him to cradle my backside, mold his body to mine and enter me from behind. I need him to take me painstakingly slow.

Like he was reading my damn mind, he does just that.

“Yes Micah,” moaning my approval. “Take me this way.”

The moment I say this, he stops his rocking and it sounds like he’s reaching for something. My groan, of course, is from his loss of contact, so I turn my head and look over my shoulder. “What are you doing?”

“Fuck, looking for a condom baby.” He says while reaching for his jeans. Reaching my arm back, I grab his arm stopping him.

Shaking my head, I say. “No…I need to feel you.” Swallowing loudly. “I need you just the way you are. No barriers between us, honey,” I say lightheartedly. “I’m covered.”

His smile widens. “Oh baby, I need you too. Good Lord knows I want to feel every inch of you around me.”

His hips gyrate, like he’s doing a salsa dance. It’s amazing. Micah gingerly snakes his way behind me once again. Drawing my leg over his, he takes his knee and widens the space between my legs to give him plenty of access to unite us. Finding my entrance, he hesitates for a moment lining himself right where he wants.

I moan with anticipation. My eyes are clenched shut and I’m yearning for the moment I feel him slide inside of me. So slow. So perfect. Hitting spots he’s never hit before. I suddenly realize he’s stopped moving and is eerily quiet. I’m praying whatever has caused him to stop moving will pass quickly.

“Baby,” he finds my ear breathing heavily. “Feel every hard inch of me as I slide all the way inside, making love to you.” His words hitch slightly when he slides inside just like I wanted him to. Nice and slow, slick with my juices that have coated every inch of him.

“Oh pretty girl, hot damn, your body was made for me. Fuck… you feel so damn good.” He says, grunting his words when his thrusts get more intense. Rolling my eyes in the back of my head, I enjoy the fullness of him. Giving into the sensation of how good it feels, I want more…need more.

“Oooohhhhh God, Micah. Please, please…do not stop.”

“No, way.” He grumbles.

With my head tilted back, I need more. “Harder…oh yes, harder.”

“Fuck yes!” His voice is as forceful as his moves.

Cupping my shoulders with his hands, he’s thrusting harder and faster. My leg over his thigh is bouncing with his swift movements. Not wanting anything to distract him from what he’s doing, I hold my leg higher, keep it there to make sure Micah has easy access. I realize the harder I pull my leg back, the deeper he penetrates. The tilt of my pelvis in the perfect position. Oh so wonderful.

Eyes rolling in the back of my head. “Oohhhh, my…Goddddddd.”

Moving in perfect rhythm, Micah’s breathing and rapid grunts of pleasure escape his lips every time he’s fully seated deep inside. Micah fits tightly inside of me, allowing me to absorb every part of him. The gentle friction of his body against mine sends shock waves throughout my entire body. Craving so much more, I let it be known how much I need him. My need and desire for him has no boundaries. When it comes to Micah, I surrender.

“Oh, baby.” He moans with every roll of his hips, widening his circles as to hit my magical spot that heightens my arousal. Shit, I have no idea if he is hitting the infamous G-spot or not. The only thing I know is if that’s what he keeps hitting, I hope like hell he doesn’t stop. Let me tell ya, it’s real, and it’s fucking amazing.

My walls contract around him when the tremors of my orgasm start to come to life. I place my hand over my bare, very slick mound. He’s so deep when he thrusts, I swear I can feel him in my throat. Every deep thrust has a slight sting of pain due to his size, but that same painful sting has me about crawling out of my skin in delight. Right now, I don’t care how I feel afterward, I want him harder…and faster.

Enveloping my closeness, his wet tongue traces a spot between my neck and shoulder. Warm and wet, it’s enticing. With an eager thrust, he pierces my skin with his teeth…hard. The eruption of his orgasm spurns on my release. His teeth penetrating my skin, at the same time his shaft penetrates my cervix is my undoing. I come…hard…loud…and I think the neighbors heard it all.

Both of us are breathing hard, and while he’s still deep inside, pulling us into a tight embrace, he softly kisses my ear.

Breathless he says, “Love you El.”

“Love you back,” I say, panting for my next breath.

Still winded, he asks, “Tell me all about him pretty girl. Tell me all of it, I want to hear it from your point of view. I need to learn about…my son.” He can barely say the words without losing it.

With our fingers laced together, I replay one of the worst years of my life. Bittersweet I guess, I lost so much in a year’s time. Then again, I got the world’s best present, Michael. He may have different parents raising him, but my baby has two parents who love him unconditionally. I don’t hold back my anger, hurt, loss or betrayal as I shed my tears, telling it to Micah. He’s living it all as I take a stroll down memory lane.

By the time I am finished, I get up and find my only picture I have of Michael. I treasure it as much as the hat, the one he wore when I held him that night. I swear I can smell him today, by now his smell is long gone, but it doesn’t stop me from remembering. Showing Micah the picture hits me so hard.

Holding it over my heart, I gaze into Micah’s glistening eyes. This moment, the moment I swore would never happen is about to happen.

With a slight shrug of my shoulder, I nervously hand it to him. “Here’s your son.” Holding my nonexistent breath, I realize how monumental this moment is.

Micah takes a few deep breaths, shaking like a leaf. As he takes his first glance, the tears come out full force. Holding his hand over his mouth, I can clearly see his shock, and a hint of dismay. Moments later, his eyes show grief and loss.

With a heavy heart, he says, “My baby…Elsa, this is our son.”

His words are etched with so much love and adoration for a baby he never knew existed until yesterday. In a whirlwind of rage and betrayal, it now gives way to sincerity and love.

Grasping my hand, he pulls me down beside him. We lay back, side by side and each stare longingly at our son’s picture. My arms are seen cuddling this tiny miracle. To make this even more amazing, we can just make out his little hand holding on tight to my ring finger…the left hand of course.

Passionately, Micah whispers to me. “See him, El? He’s holding the ring finger, the finger I’m going to use to make you mine. This is my sign, he’s holding that finger, telling you to wait for his daddy. He knew back then that you belong to me.” Not even expecting him to say this, I close my eyes and let that idea and memory take center stage in my heart. Enraptured with his declaration, I can’t help feeling euphoric.

Forever Micah, forever Michael. Both of these boys have enraptured my heart and soul forever.