Текст книги "Blue"

Автор книги: H. J. Bellus

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Текущая страница: 16 (всего у книги 17 страниц)

Chapter 32 Tuck

“I didn’t drive here to be turned away.”

“Sir, again, do you have an appointment?”

I pound a fist into the weak countertop and raise my voice to a growl. “I need to see him…”

I’m cut off by someone mentioning my name, and when I look up it’s as if I see her standing within her dad. Their eyes are identical, and even though Blue isn’t here now, the resemblance is something I never noticed. It’s not until this moment that I realize just how much they look alike. Her dad sees me, and I freeze. It’s written all over his face that he’s shocked to see me, but I keep on with my plan. I didn’t come here to fucking dick around.

“Sir, Dr. Williams, please?”

His face doesn’t hold anything back as he stares back at me. I knew it was going to be a gamble, but it’s worth gambling for. It’s been months without Blue in my life, and the last words she spoke to me ring in my ears every single morning. She’s right, I’m a beast and don’t deserve anything more. She’s the only person on Earth who actually made me believe I was desirable. She was my one person, and I pushed her away like a piece of garbage.

“Sir, I’d like a consultation, please.”

I know I’ve caught Dr. Williams by surprise, but just like his daughter, he welcomes me with open arms, and it’s another dagger to my wounded soul.

“Follow me, son. I have about twenty minutes.” He rounds the counter and opens the door. I follow him until he welcomes me into his office. It’s nothing less than prestigious, with an over-sized dark desk placed in the center of the room. The walls are adorned with plaques and certificate after certificate, but my vision is magnetized to one picture. The picture of Blue leaning into her dad with the biggest smile plastered on her face.

She’s a true beauty like I’ve never met before. It’s not just her perfect skin, gorgeous eyes, and killer body; it’s more than that. It’s her desire to fight for what she believes in and her ability to love. I owe this to her.

I sit in the large leather chair across from him and try to form a thought.

“I need your help.” I roll the sleeve of my shirt up to let him view my skin. “I need to be fixed, sir.”

He leans forward, pitching his pen to the ground. “What did you do to my daughter?”

I lift my shirt the rest of the way, pulling it over my head and exposing everything to him.

“I let her love me and then broke her heart.”

“Why are you here, Tuck?”

“I want these gone.” I rub the thick scars over my abdomen. “I want Blue back.”

He relaxes back in his chair and shakes his head. “I have no problem helping you out if this is what you want, but I know Blue better than anyone in the world. You broke her heart, she loved you more than cheer, so I do know that she’d never want you fixed.”

He air quotes the word “fixed.”

“I need to be fixed, to be whole again, because there is no way I can lay next to her with this skin.”

“Why?” He leans forward, resting on his elbows. “Has she ever made you feel inferior or ugly?”

“Never,” I whisper.

“So, you’re telling me that you don’t think you’re worthy of Blue.”

“Sir, she only ever made me feel loved and on top of the world, but when I look in the mirror I see the nasty truth.”

He raises an eyebrow at me, pushing me to go on.

“I’m not good enough.”

“It’s going down like this, Tuck.” Dr. Williams rises from his chair. “I’ll move ahead with this if you’re doing it for you, but if it stems from not feeling worthy of Blue or doing it for her, then you’ll have to move on.”

It’s the end of the discussion as he walks over to the door. “Oh, and Tuck, I think you’re a damn fool. You have so much in your life and overcame obstacles, but you are willing to let the scars ruin you. Wear them like a warrior.”

Three Days Later

I made an appointment this time and am ready to share my final decision with Dr. Williams. After several sleepless nights in a run-down hotel and countless conversations with my sister, I know exactly what has to be done.

“Tuck Jones.” A nurse in baby blue scrubs stands beaming before me.

“That’s me.”

She weighs me, takes my blood pressure, all the normal shit you go through at a doctor’s office. It was my life for years, surgery after surgery, with almost daily appointments. The only difference is Joe’s not by my side.

“All right, Tuck, to the room on the right. Doctor Williams will be with you soon.”

I hear the nurse swing open the room indicator and then pull the door half shut. She’s distracted by someone in the hall and is off before shutting it all the way. It doesn’t bother me since I’m still fully clothed and my mind is still reeling from everything I’ve processed over the last few days. It’s been numbing, then spirals into painful.

“Where is he?”

The voice coming from the hall now is very familiar.

“I don’t care if he’s busy or not. It’s about our daughter.”

The words slowly process in my foggy brain, and then I realize it’s Blue’s mom. I don’t wait for her to speak another word before I jet into the hall and come face to face with her. Blue’s dad joins us moments later.

“What is going on?” He grabs his wife by the elbow and begins hauling her to his office. I follow them, not caring if I’m invited or not.

“What is wrong?”

“It’s Blue,” she sobs before I can close the door behind us.

“What about her?”

“She made me promise not to tell you until she got home.” Her mom wails again before collapsing into the chair. “She quit the squad two weeks ago and was supposed to fly in today. She never showed up and isn’t answering her phone.”

“She what?” I ask before anyone else has a chance to speak.

“She quit, Tuck.” Her mom rises and comes for me. “You broke her heart, and she’s done nothing but spiral out of control. I even went and spent a week with her trying to get her back on track.”

“Stop.” Her husband pulls her back and she instantly crumbles into him.

I’m left reeling from the thought of Blue quitting cheer with Nationals just a week away. There’s nothing that would stop that girl from cheering and kicking ass at it. It was her heart, life, and passion. It was everything to her, until…I collapse onto the floor as the realization of my selfish actions seeps through.

I kicked her out of my life straight into her own personal hell without a second thought, and it all stemmed from my fucking insecurity. When thoughts of her lifeless body lying on the running trail flood back in, my mind goes into overdrive. I tear my phone from my pocket and dial Noah’s number. When he doesn’t answer, I try Lane, then Sophie, and then go back to blowing up Noah’s phone. He finally answers after the tenth time.

“Dude, I’m in class, where your ass should be. What do you need?”

“Blue. Go find her now.”

“She’s not there,” Blue’s mom interrupts.

I turn my back to her and try to focus on Noah since he’s probably closest in distance to Blue. “Go find her now. She’s missing and quit cheer.”

“Oh, fuck.” His voice conveys his understanding. “Fill me in.”

I hear some rustling in the background and then silence on the other end and know Noah just left class.

“I’m in Colorado. Had a doctor appointment with her dad.”

“What the fuck are you thinking, Tuck?”

He’s pushed me to go back after Blue, but I never have. He knows about everything and still claims I was a fucking fool.

“Just listen, Noah. She was supposed to fly in today, but didn’t show. She quit cheer and won’t answer her phone. Go to her dorm.”

“On my way. I’ll call you.”

My first urge after he hangs up is to throw my phone across the room, but in this moment it’s my only hope.

“What’s going on, Tuck?”

I look up to her parents, and for the first time really feel the floor of my world fall out. The time away from Blue was torture, but this has no meaning or explanation of my feelings.

“She was attacked this fall on a running trail.” Tears stop me from going on. I keep them back and try to find my voice again. “That’s the weekend you guys were gone for fall break. I made her go to the hospital, but she refused to report it.”

I feel like the scum on the bottom of scum looking into her dad’s eyes and revealing this information about his only daughter. A wave of anger passes over his expression, but doesn’t last long before he goes into saving mode.

“Tuck, go find her. We’ll call the cops and campus security. Everyone stay focused.”

He bolts from the room before another word is spoken, and I’m left staring into the pained eyes of Blue’s mom.

“She was beaten.” Her words are barely a whisper.

The pain is too overwhelming, and I can’t stop my next actions. I stand and wrap her up in a hug and hold her as she sobs, trying offer some sort of comfort.

“I tried and tried, but she refused to get help or talk to anyone. I’m so sorry.”

“Was she…was she…” Her voice trails off into sobs. “Did he…”

“No.” I make her look up at me. “She was not raped.”

“So, you’re the voice?”

“What?” I step back from her, confused.

“She had nightmares when I was there, and she would always say it was a voice that saved her and would wake her up from it. I knew the dark lines under her eyes and the way she trembled weren’t Blue.”

My phone startles both of us as it starts to ring.

“Noah.”

“She’s not here. I talked to the security guard, and he claims he hasn’t seen Blue for weeks.”

“Ask for Steve. Blue always felt comfortable with him.”

“I talked to Steve. She’s gone, Tuck.”

“Fuck, I’m flying back on the next flight.” This time I do throw my phone as fucking hard as I can against a cabinet, sending glass in every direction.

“Tell me, Tuck, what did he say?”

“Nobody at the dorms has seen Blue for weeks.”

“Impossible. She’s been in school. She quit cheering, but told me she was still going to classes.”

Chapter 33 Three Weeks Earlier

The letters don’t even faze me anymore, and text messages are long gone since I’ve blocked number after number. The dead mice in shoeboxes have been quite the romantic touch.

I finally broke down and told the one person who’s been by my side everything. Steve. He’s checked in on me and made sure I had food or was leaving the dorm in time to get to class. He’s walked me to and from class when he has the time. Having him is the only thing that helped me keep my shit together while my mom was here, and I was barely able to fool her.

Steve’s uncle is a local detective, and he’s taking me to talk to him. I’m still unsure about telling a stranger everything, but I’m at a point of no return.

“Are you sure your uncle is a good guy?” I nervously rub my hand over the metal handle of the door.

“Blue, I can’t reassure you enough. I still can’t believe the shit you’ve put up with. He’ll help you.” Steve drives his piece of shit Oldsmobile like it’s a brand new Trans Am.

Steve’s physique and looks are far from that of a college student. One night he told me he still lives with his mom and hopes to make it out on his own one day, and that he’s currently working a side job to make extra cash. He may not be the knight in shining armor on a white horse to save the day, but he’s fit the bill for me.

“Thanks again, Steve.”

“I told you I’d always help you.”

Steve pulls up in the front of a run-down house with missing shingles and a broken picket fence.

“Are we here?” I ask, peering at the shamble of a house.

“Yeah, my uncle works a lot and doesn’t have time to keep up.”

Well, he could at least trim the grass, I think to myself, but when my gaze falls upon the broken windows, I begin to squirm in my seat.

“Steve.” I look back over to him sitting in the driver’s seat, and for the first time I see those eyes again. The dark ones that attacked me that night. He places his hand on my shoulder, and the whole violent attack plays out in slow motion in my mind. Several times I will myself to stop, knowing very well it’s just my mind playing yet another nasty trick on me.

The sound of a door shutting grabs my attention, and when I look forward, Stephie is standing in front of the car.

“Fuck.” Steve pounds the steering wheel. “She’s fucking early.”

The next thing I know, he’s out of the car and rounding the hood on her. Her belly is the only thing I notice, and it was a lie because she has no belly. It’s flat, and she’s in the best shape of her life. I try like hell to count back the months, but everything is a blur since Tuck turned his back on me. I can’t hear them, but one thing is glaringly obvious. They’re in a whisper-screaming match.

I focus in on Steve’s body movements, and it’s as if I’ve never seen him before. It’s clear that he’s my attacker. Vomit flows onto the floor all over my shoes, and then I begin to scramble for the door handle. My foot catches on the floorboard while the rest of my body tumbles out on the ground.

I begin to run, but a heavy hand lands on my shoulder and knocks me to the ground. It’s the moment I’ve prayed for the last few months. My attacker has finally made his reappearance in my world and come to finish the job. Now all I want is one final glimpse of Tuck’s beautiful face and to take back my nasty last words to the only man I’ve ever loved.

Chapter 34 Tuck

“I’m not fucking crazy and I’ll never stop the search, Noah.”

“Tuck, it’s been over two months since we’ve reported her missing.”

“I don’t fucking care.” The coffee table in the living room flies up into the air as I stand and look out the window.

Noah, Lane, and Sophie all talk in hushed voices, but their words come through crystal clear.

“He’s a mess and it’s time Joe comes back and takes him home.”

“He won’t leave here until she’s found.”

“We’ve looked everywhere. It’s only a matter of time before her remains turn up.”

My fist flies through the window, not fazing my already raw, bloody knuckles. They’ve been raw since the day in Dr. Williams’ office. Punching and hitting are my only outlet when everything decides to consume me at once.

Knowing my friends will stop me if I give them any warning, I head out the front door to my truck and zip off to the beach, to the place that was the best day of my life and ultimately ruined it. It wasn’t the beach as much as my fucking shallow train of thought.

Looking back, I’m a fucking idiot for never allowing Blue the whole me. The day she told me she loved me, I should’ve ripped my shirt off in public for her. She saw it all and adored me like a god, and all I could do was push her away. At night, in the stillness of the dark, I can picture her loving eyes soaking up every single one of my burns, and in the sweetest and rarest of moments, I feel her lips on me again. But it all vanishes as fast as it comes.

Settling onto the sandy beach, I take my shirt off and let the breeze hit my skin, not caring who sees me or might judge, and send prayer after prayer up to whomever might be listening to bring Blue home. Her dad calls me every day with updates from the private investigator they’ve hired and the dead ends they’ve hit.

I still don’t understand why her father would ever even speak to me again after hearing my statement at the precinct, but he’s never given up on me and reminds me of the fighter heart that Blue has. Instead of pushing him away or punishing myself over it, I’ve embraced him like my own father figure, and have even opened up to him. Her mom, on the other hand, is a mess and has been admitted to a hospital for help.

I spend my evenings like this on a regular basis, blowing up at my friends, retreating off to my haven at the beach, and then scouring the town. My truck has packed on the miles roaming up and down the streets and alleys. I’ve given up hope that she’s in town anymore, but never that she’s alive. I’ll never give up that hope, or at least I try to convince myself of that fact.

As the sun begins to set, I send off one more silent prayer for Blue and decide to wander the streets tonight on foot. Most of the shops are occupied by exuberant college kids living like I should be with Blue on my arm. I quicken my pace through these blocks, knowing there’s no way she’d be here or she’d be spotted by now. Her picture has been blasted all over town, and the nation for that matter. Every single time I see her face on the news and that bright smile shining back at me, it hurts.

When I drive, I lose track of time and just keep searching for her. I’ve made it through the college part of town, through the ritzy mansions, and now into the slums. I lift several lids of trashcans, knowing I’m a fool to even look, but I can’t help it. Several of the homes are run-down with broken windows and shitty roofing. It doesn’t stop me from scouring everywhere. I know this is a place I haven’t ventured, so it intrigues me.

I come across a homeless shelter and feel a tug on my arm. When I look back, an elderly woman looks up into my eyes as if she knows me.

“Never give up hope. You are so close.”

“Excuse me?” I ask her, bending down a bit.

“She’s here.”

“Who?”

“Your love.”

“Eleanor, leave him alone.”

A brunette pulls the woman away, but it doesn’t stop her from talking.

“She’s here. The one you want.”

“I’m sorry, sir, she rambles all the time.”

They disappear into the homeless shelter, sending goose bumps all over me. The woman’s eyes were haunted, but it seems I read way too much into even the tiniest clues, and they all lead to nothing.

I pass the same desolate homes on the walk back, and even though it’s darker as night settles in, you still can’t miss the broken windows of the houses and the shitty environment. Then it’s like I cross over an imaginary line where the homes become nicer and the college campus begins to permeate the air. All hopes of finding Blue tonight drift away as fast as they entered my mind.

My truck is the only one left in the parking lot, and barely lit by the streetlights. Starting my engine, I begin to lose my shit again. It seems to be a daily routine, and whatever is near gets the shit thoroughly beat out of it. My poor steering wheel can’t take much more. My head slams back into the glass as I stare up into the dark night sky speckled with shining stars, and I wonder for the first time if Blue is one of them looking back down on me. I’ve refused to believe the worst, but at times like this, what other choice do I have?

Sleep will never come, so I drive and drive in the darkness, knowing even if Blue was near I’d miss her. I find myself in front of the homeless shelter and replay the lady’s words in my mind. Something about her pulls me from my truck.

The shelter is not buzzing like before. It’s clear supper has been served and everyone has moved on. When I enter the building, a strong stench hits me, nearly causing me to gag. It’s a mixture of piss and filth. I try not to stare at random people loitering around or lying on the ground. I finally spot someone with a name badge and wave them over.

“Sorry, sir, we’re full tonight. Try the shelter on the other side of the city.”

“I’m actually looking for an older lady who I talked to earlier tonight.”

The volunteer isn’t impressed as she raises an eyebrow at me and cocks a hand on her hip.

“Yeah, I want a million dollars and to marry Santa Claus.”

“Ma’am, I’m being very serious. I’m looking for a missing person, and an elderly woman said some pretty random stuff to me earlier. I’d like to talk to her.”

“You need to vacate the premises or I’ll call the cops. We don’t have room tonight.”

I try again to reason with the overworked volunteer, but she threatens me again with the authorities, leaving me no choice but to walk away.

“Wait, sir.” When I turn around I see the volunteer who escorted the elderly lady off earlier. “Did you need something?”

“I know this sounds odd, but I’d really like to see the woman who was talking to me earlier.”

“Oh, honey.” She touches my forearm as an almost comical expression covers her face. “She’s a drifter, and was only here for a few hours today and then wandered off again. Maybe stops in every couple of weeks. Who knows where she is now.”

“She’s not a regular?”

“No, not many are, and when they are, we try to set them up in a home or turn them in to the authorities.”

“I was just looking…Never mind.” I grab the back of my beanie in frustration. “Thanks for your time.”

Stepping out of the shelter, I look for something to punch, and the two women’s voices fill the quiet space as I walk.

“He’s hot.”

“Yeah, but seriously, focus. We need to call the cops on blondie. It’s the same gal who was here a few weeks ago.”

It doesn’t even amuse me anymore when random chicks check me out or make comments. In fact, it makes me want to beat the fuck out of something even more. I quicken my pace to the truck to find something to punish. Too bad, tonight I pound my fist into the metal side of my truck. The sting feels amazing, and then the throb of everlasting pain shoots through my hand as I pound it again.

Then it’s as if someone slaps me in the fucking face. I bolt back into the shelter and find the two volunteers still deep in conversation.

“Excuse me.”

They both look up at me.

“Did I hear you say something about a blonde?”

“Listen, super jock,” says the first volunteer, who was less than welcoming. “Get the hell out of here and move on.”

Something catches my attention, and when I turn, I see a mass of blonde hair. Walking closer to the corner, I can make out a frail body huddled in the corner with matted blonde hair draped over most of her legs. Stepping close to the person without invading their personal space, I feel something I haven’t in months…hope.

My hearts stills in my chest when I see the scars on her knees, and then my breathing hitches when I spot the large freckle peeking through the dirty, messy blonde hair hanging over her forearm.

“Blue.”

The figure doesn’t move a bit.

“Blue, it’s Tuck.”

A deep, husky voice comes from the huddled mess. “Leave me alone.”

“Sir, please don’t talk to her. We need to call the cops. She’s a mess.”

I don’t rise to my feet or quit staring. This is Blue, and it takes everything inside of me not to tug her face to look up at me.

“It’s Tuck, Blue. Your boyfriend. I love you and have looked for you every day.”

“My name isn’t Blue.”

I feel a light tapping on my shoulder and turn slightly to see the friendly volunteer.

“She doesn’t know her name or who she is. We’ve kicked her out for soiling herself and not trying to better her situation. She’s beyond malnourished, and needs help. We are turning her in tonight.”

“Please.” It comes out louder than I expect. “Call the cops now.”

I turn back to the person huddled in front of me, and this time I touch her. The moment my hands touch her skin, I know it’s her. I feel that electric connection and the way she used to make me feel. Then I spot the Preston logo on her shorts and begin to panic, but try to keep my cool on the outside.

“Blue,” I cry. “Look at me.”

In slow motion she lifts her head, and I watch as each thick, matted dreadlock falls to the side of her face. Eyes I once knew stare back at me, but are so far away with nothing behind them. Her gaze darts away an instant later. Her fingers tremble upon her knees.

“Blue, look at me.”

“I’m not Blue.” Urine seeps out onto the ground as her body begins to shake violently. “Lea…lea…leave me alone.”

I can’t help but grab her hand and hold it in mine, trying to calm her poor body. I have no doubt this is my Blue, and I can’t even begin to process what in the fuck got her in this condition. I place my other hand on her cheek and gently force her to look in my eyes.

“Look at me, Blue, I’m here for you.”

She nestles her head into my touch, relaxing into my palm, and her hand stops shaking so rapidly. Tears form in her eyes and begin rolling down her cheeks.

Turning around, I see the two volunteers staring at us. “Call 911 right now, and the cops.”

My voice comes out harsh, and I feel Blue tense in my hold once again, so I go right to calming her back down.

“Blue, do you remember me?”

She’s frozen and slowly drifting back into a dark state.

“You’re a cheerleader. I play football. You make me do your homework.” I ramble on and on, trying to remember everything about us. “You loved me, Blue, and I love you. I was an asshole.”

She eases back into my hand, resting her cheek in it, and closes her eyes. I take her trembling hand and bring it to my shirt. Lifting my shirt, I run her palm up and down the ripples of marred skin she used to worship on a nightly basis. Blue opens her eyes, lifting her head to look at me, and then her gaze goes straight to where her hand is placed.

“Tuck,” she whispers.

“Yes, Tuck. Blue, I’m here for you.”

Her body convulses again. I swoop her up into my arms and roll her into my lap. Blue buries her head in my chest, burrowing into a tiny ball. Her body doesn’t still as she repeats my name over and over again. I sob into her filthy mess of hair as I feel her wet herself again. I keep talking to her while we wait for help.

“Your mom and dad are looking too, Blue. We never gave up. I love you. Fuck, I love you so much and was such an asshole. Fuck, I hope you can forgive me. I’m never leaving you again.”

My last sentence strikes a nerve with her, breaking the trance she’s trapped in. Her hair flies up, and then her hollow face is in mine. She’s beyond unhealthy. The word fragile doesn’t even begin to describe her.

“You put a curse on my heart, Tuck. I can only love you.”

I watch in slow motion as her eyes roll back in her head and her entire body goes limp in my arms. Sirens and flashing lights fill the room in the next moment. Emergency workers swoop in and take her from my arms. Before standing, I grab my phone from my pocket.

“I found her. She’s alive.”

Blue’s dad’s response is a click of the phone, and I know he’s on his way here. I fall back on the floor, staring up at the water-stained ceiling tiles, and squeeze my temples and finally feel for the first time in months. I found her. Blue is alive.