Текст книги "Brain Droppings"

Автор книги: Джордж Карлин

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GEORGE C A R L I N The real news is that there are millions upon millions of 6 sick babies and cripples and addicts and criminals and mis fits and diseased and mentally ill and hungry people who need help. Not to mention all the middle-class normals who ???:.’, swear things are just fine but spend three hours a day com– 4 muting, and whose dull, meaningless lives are being stolen from them by soulless corporations. But the media don’t *, bother with all that. They like to simply cover their designated Victims of the Week, so they can see themselves as somehow noble. They highlight certain cases, making them appear exceptional. And when they do, they admit they are simply unable and unwilling to report the totality of the Great American Social Nightmare. DEATH IS AinQST TUH THESE DAYS

Seems to me it wasn’t long ago that when an OLD PERSON DIED the UNDERTAKER put him in a COFFIN, and you sent FLOWERS to the FUNERAL HOME where the MORTICIAN held the WAKE. Then, after the FUNERAL, they put him in a HEARSE and DROVE him to the CEMETERY, where they BURIED his BODY in a GRAVE.

Now when a SENIOR CITIZEN PASSES AWAY, he is placed in a BURIAL CONTAINER, and you send FLORAL TRIBUTES to the SLUMBER ROOM where the GRIEF THERAPIST supervises the VIEWING. After the MEMORIAL SERVICE, the FUNERAL COACH TRANSPORTS THE DEPARTED to the GARDEN OF REMEMBRANCE, where his EARTHLY REMAINS are INTERRED in their FINAL RESTING PLACE.

brain droppings R IF: on THE VCR

You know where you never see a camcorder? At a funeral. Wouldn’t that be fun? Especially if you didn’t know any of the people there. Why not go to a stranger’s funeral, and bring your camcorder? Have a little fun! Zoom in on the corpse’s nose hairs. Then pull back, and pan over to the widow’s tears. Get a tight shot of that. Do a montage of people wracked with grief. Then go home and put a laugh track on it! Smoke a joint and show it to your friends. That would be a lot of fun.

You can talk about capital punishment all you want, but I don’t think you can leave everything up to the government. Citizens should be willing to take personal responsibility. Every now and then you’ve got to do the right thing, and go out and kill someone on your own. I believe the killing of human beings is just one more function of government that needs to be privatized.

I say this because I believe most people know at least one other person they wish were dead. One other person whose death would make their life a little easier. A sexual rival; an abuser; a tormentor at school; a parent who’s been draining the family nest egg by lingering too long on life support. It’s a natural, human instinct. In fact, in the psychological literature it’s technically referred to as, “Jesus, I wish that son of a bitch was dead!” Don’t run from it. Society must find a way to accommodate this very understandable human instinct.

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C A R L I N GEORGE And so, I offer a plan: Legal Murder Once a Month 6 Under this plan, every thirty days each person in Ameri will be allowed to kill one other person without incurrin punishment. One murder per person, per month. But you can’t kill just anybody. It’s not random. Each month there 4″ will be a different type of person it’s OK to kill. For instance one month it would be all right to kill a business associate k (For you blue-collar guys, that means someone at work.) That month, kill anybody at work—no punishment. But you must have a good reason; none of this weak shit, “I caught him fucking my wife.” It has to be a good reason. Like, “The guy is just a real asshole.” Another month we would have a day when it’s OK to kill . 0 a relative. Actually, you might want two days for this, one for in-laws, and one for blood relatives. In fact, you might even need a week. Seven days, seven dead relatives. A festival! The Seven Dead Relatives Festival. Christmas week! There’s a good time for family resentment. Lots of old, festering patho– logical flotsam bobbing to the surface like buoyant turds. Christmas! Peace on Earth and a nice stack of dead relatives under the tree. And forgive what may seem a tacky note, but this plan might also help simplify your Xmas shopping.

All right, what about spouses? You gotta have a day for killing spouses, although I don’t think you’d want to do this one too often. You know how some guys are, they’d be goin’ through ten or twelve old ladies a year. No, this one should be an annual event with a one-spouse limit. In fact, why not just have an annual spouse-hunting season? You must get a license, you must wear bright orange, and you

brain droppings must be accompanied by three drunken friends. And please (y take note, those of you who aren’t married and are merely living together will not be allowed to kill each other until you have taken your sacred vows. All right, we’ve covered relatives and spouses. Now, how ^ about that certain someone else? Someone who really deserves to die? The ex-spouse! The exes of both sexes. The i ex-husband, usually referred to in court documents as “the ,. * asshole.” And, of course, that other towering archetypal figure in divorce law, “the cunt”! i.; In fact, I think we ought to just combine spouses and ex– spouses and stretch this one into a full week as well. Do I smell another holiday festival here? Is this possibly Easter 4f week we’re talkin’ about? I think so! And I’m gonna give you a special deal. Not only will you be allowed to kill your ex-spouse, but you’ll also get to kill their lawyer. It’s a two-for-one, Easter Bunny, Resurrection special. One man rises from the dead, two people take his place. By the way, are you . beginning to sense that perhaps there’s a place for the Disney corporation in all of this? Just a thought.

And while we’re at it, why don’t we honor Freud by having a day for killing parents? This is something that doesn’t happen nearly often enough as far as I’m concerned. ^ Why should the Menendez Brothers have all the fun? Get into that living room, whip out the shotgun, and launch your parents into the great beyond so they can be with their loving God. Do the folks a favor. What kind of an ungrateful child are you? By the way, if you’re wondering why parents aren’t already covered in the Seven Dead Relatives

CARL GEORGE

Festival, it’s because parents are special people, and they ^ deserve special treatment.

Here would be another handy event: Kill-a-Neighbor-Day. A perfect way to settle old scores and perhaps, at the same time, upgrade the neighborhood. And just to provide ^ you a little flexibility, for our purposes a neighbor will be considered anyone who lives in your zip code. j. You know, now that I think of it, it would probably make sense to simply have Wild-Card Day. One day a year when everyone can just go out and kill whomever the fuck they want. Many of us have long lists of specific, worthy targets who don’t fall into any of the established categories. Retail clerks, landlords, teachers, salesmen, telephone solicitors; ^! the asshole Connecticut people in the blue Volvo station wagon; the arrogant yuppie prick at the laundromat who acted so superior about his natural fibers; and how about that snotty blonde bitch on the “Six O’Clock News”? The one who keeps braying, “Thank God, no one was hurt,” every time someone so much as backs into a lamppost. ” Now, let me quickly point out that my Legal Murder Once a Month plan has three strict rules: First, it isn’t cumulative. You can’t save up all your murders for a year and then go waltzing into McDonald’s and spoil everyone’s Egg McMuffin. K You get one murder a month, that’s it. Use it or lose it.

Rule number two: You can’t hire someone to do the killing for you. You have to do it yourself. And if you’re squeamish, take my word for it, you’ll get over that. There’s nothing to it. I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell

brain droppings you, there’s nothin’ like it. It’s a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you’re thinking. “Aw, he’s a comedian. He’s just sayin’ that stuff.” Good. That’s exactly what I want you to think.

Rule number three: You can never kill your own offspring. It’s just off-limits. OK? No killing your own children. Of course, if they really deserve it; if they’re really bad news, they’ll probably piss someone else off, and that person will take care of the job for you. 4

And all you civic-minded dipshits, I want you to know there’s nothing in the constitution to prevent any of this. The state doesn’t actually oppose murder, it simply objects to those who go into business for themselves. When it comes to the taking of human life, the federal government doesn’t want free-lance competition. t

Life is cheap, never forget it. Corporations make marketing decisions by weighing the cost of being sued for your death against the cost of making the product safer. Your life is a factor in cost-effectiveness. So when you talk about murder, don’t confine your discussion to individuals.

Besides, there’s nothing wrong with murder in the first place. Murder is a part of life. My society taught me that. And my species is really good at it. I belong to the only species in the history of the world that systematically tortures and mur-^ ders its own members for pleasure, profit, and convenience.

See how easily we figured all that out? How easy that was? People think life is real complicated. Actually, there’s nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.

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GEORGE

C A R L i N

b r a

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Fun TOES Since I hold no real national allegiances, when it comes to anned conflict around the world I tend to root for the side that will prWide int. me with the most entertainment. Saddam Hussein is a case in i , crush guy. Any head of state who says, “We will walk on your corpses and your skulls, and you will swim in your own blood,” is my kinds You just don’t hear that kind of shit anymore. This man obviousL. */ great potential to provide me with amusing diversion.

In fact, all these Middle-East religious fanatics are brimming entertainment potential. On CNN I recently saw video of 200 Isi student-suicide bombers who were graduating from suicide-b()m^er school. They were singing what was apparently the school fight song. “Our blessings to you who fight at the gates of the enemy and J on heaven’s door with his skulls in your hands.” How can and Jews ever hope to compete with these folks who obviously enjOy their work so much? lET’S All Kill EACH OTHER ACCDRDinG TO THE RUIFS

I don’t understand the Geneva Convention and the whole i^ea of having rules for fighting a war. Why? Is it really more than just a ^ay of reassuring ourselves we’re all quite civilized, as we pour our heai^s and minds and fortunes into mass killing? It seems to me like hypo)Crjtical bullshit. If the object is to win, wars should be fought with no, nOids barred; otherwise, why bother suiting up? As it is now, a wiinner is declared, and yet the issue has not been settled by all possible mejanS-

Additionally, if the object is to kill the enemy, why treat their wounded? Treating their wounded requires resources taken from your own effort to achieve victory. Does this make sense if you’re trying to win? Oh, yeah. Civilized.

My doubts about having rules for combat likewise extend to street fighting. I’ve heard guys whine about someone throwing a “sucker punch.” Are they kidding? A guy wants to reduce your ass to a small bloody pile, and you’re going to warn him before hitting him? Get fucking lucid! And lose all that dopey shit about fair play. It’s out of place if the object is to win. (Is it?)

Also, as far as kicking someone when he’s down is concerned, what is the problem here? Again, the object is to win, yes? Well, if he gets up, you might lose; therefore he must not get up. He needs to be kicked. You said you wanted to win. Or are you people just fucking around? I suspect that might be the case. Well, stop fucking around and make up your mind. You’re telling me a man will fuck another man’s wife, drive him out of business, cut him off and nearly kill him in traffic, but he shouldn’t sneak punch, or kick him when he’s down? I don’t get it.

Another thing I don’t understand is the objection to so-called dirty play in sports such as football. These are big, tough guys who are desperate to prove how manly they are; that they’re not soft. That’s why they play these games in the first place. Well, why not let them play “dirty” and let’s find out how tough they really are? It’s been shown that small, dedicated groups of men can easily imd ways of policing and disciplining those among them who cross the line. It’s called vigilantism, and it’s very efficient. Please don’t tell a bunch of six-foot-six, three hundred-pounders in helmets and pads can’t spear and punch and put their thumbs in each other’s eyes.

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C A R L I N GEORGE You’ll miss all the fun. And you’ll be keeping them from pursuing their calling at its highest level.

I also don’t understand terrorists who call the police to warn them about a bomb. Do I need even explain my disihay at this one?

You know, folks, if this old world had cmy imagination, wars would be fought without codes and conventions, alley fighting would be standard, and the only rules in sports woulii govern the uniforms Then we’d have some real fun.

But I fear that doesn’t suit you, and so I return to the notion that produced these thoughts in the first place: Yc>u people shouldn’t be fighting at all. unKnown SOLDIER

I recently visited an interesting site in Washington, D.C. You’ve heard of the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier? This is the Tomb of the WeZ/-Known Soldier. No one knows about it. Is;n’t that odd? Everyone knows about the Unknown Soldier, but no one knows about the Well-Known Soldier. Makes you think, doesn’t it? Maybe not.

They’re also planning the Tomb of the W&H-Known-but-Widely-Disliked Soldier. And then they’re gonna build the Tomb of the Well-Liked-but-Poorly-Understood Soldier.

One other interesting fact before we leave this subject. I assume you know that Britain, France, and Canada all have Uinknown Soldiers of their own. Well, oddly enough, all three of those soldiers knew each other. Kinda makes the hair on the back of your nec;k stand up, doesn’t it? Maybe not.

brain droppings ir oniY WE WERE HUHAH

This species is a dear, hateful, sweet, barbaric, tender, vile, intelligent, confused, virtuous, evil, thoughtful, perverted, generous, greedy species. In short, great entertainment.

As I said before, humans are the only species that systematically tortures and murders its own for pleasure and personal gain. In fact, we are the only species that systematically tortures and murders its own, period.

We are serial killers. All our poems and symphonies and oils on canvas will never change that. Man’s noble aspect is the aberration.

Those who argue that art and philosophy are proof of human worth neglect to mention that, in the scheme we have devised, artists and philosophers are completely powerless and largely without prestige. Art, music, and philosophy are merely poignant examples of what we might have been had not the priests and traders gotten hold of us.

Most animals, when fighting one of their own, will show aggressive behavior, but very little hostility or intention to harm. And when the outcome of the struggle is inevitable, the losing animal will signal its defeat by exposing its most vulnerable part to the victor, affording it the opportunity to finish the kill. The victor then walks away without inflicting further harm. These are the creatures we feel superior to.

The rate of U.S. Marine suicides has been rising in recent years. The biggest jump came at a time when the Marine Corps was being reduced in size, and so, many of these men were barred from reen-listing. I guess they realized that the odds against death had suddenly improved, and they might actually have to face life. So they killed themselves. Strange, huh? I like that sort of thing. It’s entertaining.

GEORGE

C A R L I N

brain droppings

fc.

I’m not disturbed by war. More like entertained. tya may be a lot of things, but it’s never a bad show. It’s the original Greatest Show on Earth. Otherwise, why would thev call it a “theater of war”? I love it. And as far as I’m concerned, the show must go on.

But I realize there are some people who really worry about this kind of thing, and so, as a good citizen, I offer two ideas for peace. It’s the least I can do.

Many people work on war plans; not too many work on peace plans. They even have a war college at Ft. McNair, Washington. They call it the National Defense University, but it’s a war college. They don’t have a peace college. 6

And they have war plans for every contingency, no matter how remote. If Easter Island gives us some crap tomorrow, we have a plan in a computer that tells us exactly how to thoroughly bomb the shit out of Easter Island. You name the country, we’ve got the plan. Chad, Myanmar, Upper Volta, Burkina Faso, Liechtenstein. Just give us some crap, and we’ll come A there, and bomb the shit out of you! ‘Cause we’ve got a plan. Well, so do I. Two of them. George’s plans for peace: My first plan is worldwide, year-round, nonstop folk dancing. In short, everyone in the world would be required to dance all the time. It leaves very little time for fighting, h and what combat does occur is inefficient, because the combatants are constantly in motion.

When it was suggested that this plan might be impractical, I offered an alternative wherein only half the people 182

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would be dancing at any given time. The problem with this was the distinct possibility that while half the people were dancing, the other half would be robbing their homes.

So now I’ve stripped it down to a symbolic plan: twenty-four-hour, nonstop, worldwide folk dancing, once a year. Each year, on a designated day, everyone in the world would stop what they were doing and dance for twenty-four-hours.

Any kind of dancing you want. Square dance, minuet, grind, peabody, Cakewalk, mazurka, samba, mashed potato. Doesn’t matter. Just get out there and dance. Even hospital patients, shut-ins, cripples, and people on life support; if you’re too sick to dance, you just die. While the doctors and nurses keep dancing. This would be a good way to weed out the weaker people. Dance or die! Natural selection with a beat.

One good result, of course, would be that during the actual dancing, no fighting could take place. But the plan would also tend to reduce violence during the remainder of the year, because for six months following the dance, everyone would be talking about how much fun they had had, and for the six months after that, they would all be busy planning what to wear to next year’s dance.

Another plan I have is World Peace Through Formal Introductions. The idea is that everyone in the world would be required to meet everyone else in the world, formally, at least once. You’d have to look the person in the eye, shake hands, repeat their name, and try to remember one outstanding physical characteristic. My theory is, if you knew everyone in the world personally, you’d be less inclined to fight

C A R L I N GEORGE

them in a war: “Who? The Malaysians? Are you kidding? T 6 know those people!” The biggest problem with compulsory, world-wide formal introductions would be logistics. How would it work? Would you line up everyone in the world single file and 4 have one person at a time move down the line meeting all the others? And then when they finish they get on the end K of the line, and the next person starts?

Or would you divide everyone into two long lines and have them move past each other laterally? That seems inefficient, because, for at least part of the time, each line would have a large number of people with nothing to do. And also, once you finished the first pass, everyone would 0 ? still have to meet the people in their own line.

Either way, it would take a very long time. In fact, children would be born during the introductions, and then you’d have to meet them, too. .

And it’s probably important to remember that because

of their longer names, some nationalities would move through the line more slowly than others. Russians, for example. Russian names tend to be long. If you ever bought an ID bracelet for a Russian person, you know what I mean. The engraving alone can run over two hundred dollars. I’m afraid the Russians would move through the line very slowly: “Vladimir Denisovitch Zhirinovski, this is Yevgeny Vasily Arbatov. Yevgeny Vasily Arbatov, meet Vladimir Denisovitch Zhirinovski.” Major delay.

On the other hand, the Chinese tend to have short names. “Chin Lu, Wu Han. Wu Han, Chin Lu.” Bing! See ya

brain droppings later! Movin’ right along. Which is why there are so many Chinese: less time saying hello, more time to fuck. Peace on you. But only if you really deserve it. COnC BACK AnD SEE U8. HEAR?

I suppose it would be nice if reincarnation were a reality, but 1 have problems with the math. At some point, originally, there must have been a time when there were only two human beings. They both died, and presumably their souls were reincarnated into two other bodies. But that still leaves us with only two souls. We now have nearly six billion people on the planet. Where are all the extra souls coming from? Is someone printing up souls? Wouldn’t that tend to lower their value?

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GEORGE CARLIN SHORTTAKES Irort 2) I only respect horoscopes that are specific: “Today, Neil Perleman, wearing tight-fitting wool knickers, will kill you on the crosstown bus.” ometimes we dismiss something by substituting1 the letters “s-h-rn” for the initial consonant sound in the word and then repeating the word itself: “Taxes, shmaxes!” But suppose the thing you’re dismissing already starts with the “s-h-m” sound? For instance, how do you dismiss a person named Schmidt? When a ghostwriter dies, how many people come back? I’m in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn’t include malignant tumors. Whenever I hear about a “peace-keeping force,” I wonder, If they’re so interested in peace, why do they use force? The bigger they ore. thE ujorse they smell. SATAN 15 [001 Once, at a school function, I received a dressing down for not dressing up-The keys to America: the cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun. fly watch stopped. I think I’m down a quartz.

b T a i n droppings A meltdown sounds like fun. like some kind of cheese sandwich. ex always has consequences. When Hitler’s mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs. A parawhore is a woman who keeps you aroused until they can get you to a real whore. Ho one can ever know for sure what a deserted area looks like. Why don’t they put child molesters in a fondling home? The difference between show business and a gang bang is that in show business everybody wants to go on last. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbolist Jr. Ihe truth is, Pavlov’s dog trained Pavlov to ring his bell just before the dog salivated. A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn’t the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole thing up? Don’t these people communicate? I neuer watch “Sesame Street”; I know most of that stuff. ‘ read that somewhere out west recently a National Wilderness Area was closed for two days because it was too windy.

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e are conditioned to notice and emphasize the differences among ourselves, instead of the similarities. The corporate-style partitioning begins early in life: fetus, newborn infant, toddler, preschool, lower school, middle school junior high, senior high, pre-teen, teen. Get in your box and stay there! THE STATUS a ALWAYS SUCKS Is the kidney a bean-shaped organ, or is the bean a kidney-shaped legume? I like Florida; everything is in the eighties. The temperatures, the ages, and the IQs. When you cut the legs off jeans to make cutoffs, don’t you feel foolish for just a moment as you stand there holding two useless denim legs? Why does filipinostart with on /and fliilippiiiu start with F/il I think in retaliation the Jews should be allowed to kill six million Germans. It’s only fair. With fifty years of compound interest. That would come to about no million Germans. That oughta put a nice dent in bratwurst consumption. m^m heard about some guy called the Marrying Rapist. He operates with a minister-partner who performs a wedding ceremony just before the rape. Police are looking for two men in tuxedos and sneakers. Possibly carrying rice. r ?88

think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: “People who smoke will eventually cough up small brown pieces of lung.” And “Warning! Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.” A fast car that passes you at night is going somewhere. I recently had a ringing in my ear. The doctors looked inside and found a small bell. IF IT AIH’T BROKE. BREAK IT If Frank Sinatra owed you a favor, it would be fun to ask him to have one of his buddies kill Andy Williams. I get a nice safe feeling when I see a police car, and I realize I’m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine. I’m offering a special prize for first Buick on the moon. ‘ Why do shoelaces only come in certain sizes? |^H| he public will never become concerned about global warming or the I greenhouse effect. These words just aren’t scary enough. Global I means all-encompassing, warming connotes comfort, green equals I growth, and house equals shelter. Growth, shelter, and all-encom– ^Bi passing comfort. Doesn’t sound like much of a threat. Relax. u flow can a color be artificial? I look at red Jell-O, and it’s just as red as it can be. Why is it the other side of the street always crosses the street when I do?

GEORGE C A R L I N In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum known as th Caesarian section. S ometimes, when I’m told to use my own discretion, if no one is lookino I’ll use someone else’s. But I always put it back. BOTHER THE WEAK I don’t SEE the problem with deuil worship. Tou know what type of cosmetic surgery you never hear about? Nose enlargement. Hy phone number is seventeen. We got one of the early ones. What goes through a bird’s mind when he finds himself flying through a fireworks display? If you naii a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer qway? Why are there no recreational drugs taken in suppository form? Ill hen I’m working, and the television is on, I always tu.ne in a program 111 I like. If I’m going to ignore something, I want it to, be something I U enjoy. llo one is ever completely alone; when all is said and done, you always have yourself. I

admire an intelligent man with really unattractive, baldly stained and crooked teeth who makes a lot of money and still doesn’t get his teeth fixed. It’s an interesting choice. r 190

I Imagine meeting your maker and finding out it’s Frito-lay. ave you ever groped blindly through the middle of a packed suitcase trying to find something and then suddenly realized with horror that the razor blades had come unwrapped? I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn’t observe anything, and left. A tree: first you chop it down, then you chop it up. I’d hate to be an alcoholic with Alzheimer’s. Imagine needing a drink and forgetting where you put it. Whenever I see a huge crowd, I always wonder how many of the people have hazelnuts in their intestines. Sometimes I can’t recall my mental blocks, so I try not to think about it. id you ever notice how important the last bite of a candy bar is? All the while you’re eating it, you’re aware that you have less and less remaining. Then, as you get to the end, if something happens to that last piece, you feel really cheated. WOOD KHIS If a cigarette smoker wakes, up from a seven-year coma, does he want a cigarette? ‘here is a small town out west where the entire population is made up of the full-grown imaginary childhood friends of present-day adults.

GEORGE CARLIN

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If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the oriqin I so valuable? Valentine’s Day is devoted to love. Why don’t we have a day devoted to hatred? The raw, visceral hatred that is felt every hour of the day by ordinary people, but is repressed for reasons of social order. I think it would be very cathartic, and it would certainly make for an exciting six o’clock news I’m very lucky. The only time I was ever up shit creek, I just happened to have a paddle with me. I he Japanese culture is very big on martial arts and spiritual disciplines. So when a guy tells me he is studying something that has a Japanese name, I know he has either embarked on a mystical journey or is learn– I ing how to break someone’s neck with two fingers. Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror. WHO STOIE THE BAItAllA OUACAHOLE? irginia has passed a law limiting people to the purchase of one gun per person per month. But if you can show the need for more than one gun a month, you can apply to the police for an exemption. “Listen, officer, we’ve got a really dysfunctional family here, and .. .” Why does it always take longer to go somewhere than it does to come back? People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it. : ?” ?? ? ???;?..