Текст книги "Brain Droppings"

Автор книги: Джордж Карлин

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Brain Droppings

fonservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their entive ^0 invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money. Why is the hot water on the left? I think it’s so you can use your right hand to test how hot it is. P eople love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: “I’m such a klutz!” But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver. . , -….. ..-..-… ? ;. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer smiles more than the client? l-l-E-l-0 is actually a gross misspelling of the word farm. i If you can’t beat them, arrange to haue them beaten. A recent story in the media said that some firemen in Chicago had refused to enter a burning building because it was too hot. Kill YOUR PET Ho one ever mentions when the swallows leave Capistrano. Do they die there? The lazy composer still had seueral scores to settle. *»t what point in his journey does an emigrant become an immigrant?

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GEORGE CARLIN In a factory that makes bathroom disinfectant, the whole factory smells like the bathroom. WE haue mileage, yardage, and footage, why don’t me houe inchage? Iravel tip: Economy-section farts on an inbound flight from the Third World are the deadliest a traveler will ever encounter. Euery time you use the phrase all my lift it has a different meaning. ureat scientific discoveries: jiggling the toilet handle. When mill the rhetorical questions all end? Why do they call it a garbage disposal? The stuff isn’t garbage until after you dispose of it. d A cemetery is o place uihere dead people liue. o the people who hate blacks but think they’re really good dancers ever stop to think how much better blacks would dance if fewer people hated them? I do something about the uieather. I stay home. let’s stop underage drinking before it starts.” Please explain this to me. It sounds tricky. When I’m really bored, I sit home and translate the writing on foreign biscuits. P olitical discourse has been reduced to “Where’s the beef?” “Read my lips,” and “Make my day.” Where are the assassins when we really need them?

brain droppings OAfiDHI ATE niLK DUDS Hard work is for pEoplE short on talent. Idter and change are supposed to be synonyms, but altering your trousers and changing your trousers are quite different things. fly back hurts; I think I ouer-schlepped. The news story said someone had overcome a fatal disease. Wow! A Bible makes a delicious meal. Simply rub with olive oil and minced garlic, and bake one hour in a 375-degree oven. Serve with oven-roasted potatoes and a small tossed salad. Serves two. Dee-leesh! r ecently, in a public bathroom, I used the handicapped stall. As I emerged, a man in a wheelchair asked me indignantly, “Are you handicapped?” Gathering all my aplomb, I looked him in the eye and said, “Not now. But I was before I went in there.” Ihreatening postcard: “Wish you were here, but if you come here I will kill you!” I wanted to be a Boy Scout, but I had all the wrong traits. They were looking for kids who were trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. Whereas I tended to be devious, fickle, obstructive, hostile, impolite, mean, defiant, glum, extravagant, cowardly, dirty, and sacrilegious. flow is it possible to be seated on a standing committee?

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I have come up with a single sentence that includes all of the seven deadlv sins: greed, anger, pride, lust, gluttony, sloth, and envy. Here it is “it enrages me that I, a clearly superior person, should have less money than my neighbor, whose wife I would love to fuck if I weren’t so busy eating pork chops and sleeping all day.” Recent polls reueal that some people haue neuer been polled. Until recently. d id you ever run over somebody with your car? And then you panic? So you back up and run over them again? Did you notice the second crunch was not quite as loud? If I had just one uiish it mould be to write the letter /better in longhand. ave you noticed, whenever there’s a problem in this country they get a bunch of celebrities or children together to sing a song about it? Drought, famine, drugs; they sing a song about it. This is an idea that grew out of the ’60s peace movement. The idea then was that if enough “good” people sang, chanted, and held hands, all the “evil” people would give up their money, weapons, and power. Worked great, didn’t it?

WE ARE AIL rRKAIKEROUS I read about a woman who had sixty-three distinct personalities. Jesus! It would take long enough just finding out how everyone was feeling in the morning, can you imagine trying to plan a vacation?

I put 0 dollar in one of those change machines, nothing changed.

r the year 2000, I hope the crime of the century happens real soon, so I get to read about it. They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws and criminals will have guns. Well, shit, those are precisely the people who need them. I once found a throiu rug in a catch basin. One time, a few years ago, Oprah had a show about women who fake orgasms. Not to be outdone, Geraldo came right back with a show about men who fake bowel movements. It is now possible for a child to have five parents: sperm donor, egg donor, the surrogate mother who carries the fetus, and two adoptive parents. It renders the statement “He has his mother’s eyes” rather meaningless. I he new, modern Swiss Army knife has an ear-piercing tool and a roach clip. O ne of the best expressions in the English language is, “Who says so?” I guarantee, if you keep saying, “Who says so?” long enough, sooner or later someone will take you into custody. It’s hard for me to believe that the small amount of water I take from the water cooler can produce such a large bubble. Infant crib death is caused by grandparents’ breath.

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CEO RCE CARLIN ? ‘ve always wanted to place a personal ad no one would answer– “FIH depressed, accident-prone junkie, likes Canadian food and Welsh m ‘ seeking rich, well-built, oversexed, female deaf mute in her late t Must be nonsmoker.” I went to the Missing Persons’ Bureau, fio one LUGS there. Ueethoven was so hard of hearing he thought he was a painter. I choose toilet paper through a process of elimination. Ueow means “woof” in cat. Un Thanksgiving, you realize you’re living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves. A day off is always more uielcome uihen it is unexpected. Uome people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that shit. RIDE THf WHO PARAnEClUn H (low can everyone’s money be “hard-earned,” and everyone’s vacation be “well-deserved”? Sounds like bullshit to me. What exactly is “diddley squat”?

brain droppings u/ buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions, he fact that they tell time seems lost. I think you ought to be able to lease a dog. I don’t understand the particular importance of remembering where you ere when JFK was assassinated. I remember where I was a lot of times. What year did Jesus think it uias? There’s a new lottery game called Blotto. You get drunk and pick the numbers. Ill ith all this natural selection going on, why doesn’t the human race 111 get any smarter? Is this it? Why are there still so many stupid peo-U pie? Apparently, being a real dumb jackoff has some survival value. Why is there aliuays a small hole near the tip of a pen? I enjoy going to a party at one of the Kennedys’ homes, dropping to the floor, and yelling, “Hit the deck, he’s got a gun!” You know what disease you ncuer hear about? [oncer of the heart. LIFE IS A HEAR-DEATH EXrEHEHCE Amy Vanderbilt, the foremost authority on etiquette, commited suicide and apparently didn’t have the courtesy to leave a note. If the bouncer gets drunk, mho throuis him out? I he world began going downhill when ticket-takers in movie theaters stopped wearing uniforms.

GEORGE CARL

brain droppings

III t hen primitive people practice the rain dance, does it rain at the end of practice? And if it doesn’t, how do they know they did the dance correctly? he original Shick Smoking Centers were very primitive. They gave you one lecture and then you came back a week later. If they smelled tobacco on your breath, they beat the shit out of you. If you HUE to be o hundred, your lucky number goes up by one. rDCK THE HIDDIE CLASS m edical Progress: The medical profession is only now beginning to concede that maybe, just maybe, nutrition has something to do with good health. And that maybe, just maybe, the mind is somehow mysteriously linked to the body. Of course, there’s not much money in such thinking. If you mail a letter to your mailman, will he get it before he’s supposed to? I enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she’s laughing. I just stand there and tell her joke after joke after joke. neuer tell a Spanish maid you want euerything to be spic-and-span. [resident Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was some time after he had carefully arranged and started the war.

Jhey keep saying you can’t compare apples and oranges. I can. An apple is red and distinctly non-spherical; an orange is orange and nearly spherical. So, what’s the big problem? After 0 big flood, where do oil those rouiboots go? Ihe Chinese have a saying: On a journey of a thousand miles, 512 is a little more than half. licDonald’s “breakfast for under a dollar” actually costs much more than that. You have to factor in the cost of coronary bypass surgery. I don’t like to lose my bearings, so I keep them in the cabinet near my bed. When Popeye blows through his pipe, why doesn’t he get sprayed with burning ash? George Washington’s brother was the Uncle of Our Country. If you fall asleep on the couch in a house where a woman is present, there will be a blanket or a coat covering you when you awaken. Politics is so corrupt euen the dishonest people get fucked. When blowing out your birthday candles, suppose you wish for one candle to stay lit? Is it possible for your wish to come true? nr FIRST nifiE DOGS ARE DEAD got a chest X-ray last month, and they found a spot on my lung. 1

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Fortunately it was barbecue sauce.

; E 0 R C E

CARL1N

brain droppings

IU hen a masochist brings someone home from the bar, does he say “Excuse me a moment, I’m going to slip into something uncomfortable?” This year is the two-millionth anniuersary of sperm. ? ? ? hen you pick something up with your toes and transfer it to your III hand, don’t you feel, just briefly, like a superior creature? Like III you could probably survive alone in a forest for a long time? Just %?? briefly. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we might conceivably wind up with nine-day weekends. The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. Why must hailstones always be the size of something else? And if it must be that way, why don’t they have hailstones the size of testicles? lloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view. d lt is bad luck to kill a dog with a cooking spoon. on’t you love these people who end their sentences with a rising inflection? And they do it all the time? As though it were an intelligent way to talk? And everything they say sounds like a question? Even the answers? “How are you today?” “I’m fine?” I he swallows know that on the nineteenth of March the tourists come back to Capistrano.

hat’s all this stuff about retirement I keep hearing on TV commercials? People planning, saving; they can’t wait to retire. One woman on TV says to her husband, “At this rate, Jeff, we’ll never be able to retire!” What is this all about? Why would someone spend his whole life doing something he can’t wait to get away from? One of my f ouorite things in the mouies is seeing a person hanged. DOH’T GET YOUR CORTEX CAUGHT in A VORTEX I often think how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school. Uon’t you get tired of these cereal commercials where they show the milk being poured in slow motion, and it splashes off a raspberry? enjoy watching people in rush-hour traffic. Thousands of them, stressed, frustrated, hurrying to and from their chosen places of enslavement. It’s especially enjoyable from an airplane, because you can see their houses as well. The houses, like the people, all the same. Towns and subdivisions all the same. Cul de sacs. Like their lives, going nowhere. “Not a through street.” I think they should lower the drinking age. I just want to see a sign in a bar that says, You Must Be n and Prove It. p I ositive thinking doesn’t sound like a very good idea to me. I’m sure it doesn’t work. And if it does, it’s probably real hard to do. !

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1 Jometimes when I watch a parade, I wonder how many of the marchers are n desperate need of a good long piss. So for, the Ku Klux Klon has not produced ony really great composers TmnK ciown voniT Tomorrow is uerg much like today, except It’s not here yet. I

admire a man who drives clear across town to a distant shopping center where no one knows him, and rides all afternoon on the children’s coin-operated “horsie.” [Dy fondest wish is that I learn to write a capital “X” in longhand without lifting the pen from the paper. Always be careful what you say. Nathan Hale said,”I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country.” They killed him. [he difference between the blues and the blahs is that you can’t sing the blahs. ? find the high five repulsive. It’s typical lame, suburban white-boy bullshit. Any “five” that takes place above the waist is lame white-boy bullshit. I sincerely hope these high fives are causing long-term arm and shoulder injuries. DOES ODD REALLY HAVE TO WATCH ALL THIS SHIT? Bus lag: a low-level disorientation caused by riding on a bus. Almost impossible to detect. ? ?;*. ; ‘

long before man discouered fire, he had sand and ujater to put it out with. When you look at some of Picasso’s paintings, it makes you wonder what kind of women he visualized when he masturbated. n Cancer is caused by a f Ear of malignant tumors. onesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that, apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy. Second is not all that bad. You don’t meet many Japanese guys named BifF. We use the sun to make electricity, and then we use the electricity to operate sun lamps and tanning machines. I’m unusual in one respect. My lucky number is 541,633. A laugh is a smile with a hole in it. eople in the central and mountain time zones are getting too much sleep. Their late news comes on at 10 P.M., an hour earlier than in coastal time zones, and yet the morning talk shows come on at 7 A.M., the same as the rest of the country. So, central and mountain people are getting an extra hour’s sleep. I think it makes them sluggish. I NEVER LIKED A HAH I DIDII’T flEET Preparation H is olso good for a fat lip.

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you It’s annoying to have a song running through your mind all day that can’t stop humming. Especially if it’s something difficult like “Flight of th Bumblebee.” ? ‘II bet you and I are a lot alike. Did you ever get together with a bunch of people and hang someone? Isn’t it awful? You just want the guy’s body to stop spasming. Every time I do it, I say, “This is absolutely the last time I’m doin’ this.” And still I go back. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. ,, recently read that some guy had killed his girlfriend. You know, it’s always been my contention that at the moment you decide to kill your girlfriend, that decision is tantamount to breaking off the relationship. Therefore, at the time you kill the person in question she is actually no longer your girlfriend. i ?….. In reverse order, our last eight presidents: A hillbilly wilh a permanent hard-on; an upper-class bureaucrat-twit; an actor-imbecile; a born-again Christian peanut farmer; an unelected college football lineman; a paranoid moral dwarf; a vulgar cowboy criminal; and a mediocre playboy sex fiend. ? heard that crime has increased so much it is now a growth industry. My worry is that if it continues to grow at the current rate it will attract the criminal element.

I |yjew York State a fourteen-year-old can get married but he can’t drive, he is forced to go on his honeymoon on a bicycle or a skateboard. SURF’S DOWn FOREVER ?? here is something refreshingly ironic about people lying on the beach I contracting skin cancer, in an attempt to acquire a purely illusory I appearance of good health while germ-laden medical waste washes %| up on the sand all around them. lhe New Testament is not new anymore; it’s thousands of years old. It’s time to start calling it The Less Old Testament. I saw a fast-food commercial where they were selling a sandwich made of pork fat dipped in butter and egg yolk, deep-fried in lard, wrapped in bacon, and topped with cheddar cheese. They call it “Plaque on a Bun.” Crooked judges Hue on fixed incomES. In the drugstore, how do you know if you’re buying a sundry, a notion, or an incidental? ;– “” r Mr has no suffix, but suffix has o prefix. I have no sympathy for single dads. They got into their marriages because they wanted steady pussy. Steady pussy leads to babies. After the novelty wears off, the marriage goes away. Single dads. Big fuckin’ deal.

I read that a Detroit man and his friend were arrested because they had forced the man’s five-year-old son to smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol, perform oral sex on them. Can you imagine? Cigarettes!

It s neither here nor there.” Well, folks, it’s gotta be somewhere. I certainly don’t have it. If Q really stupid person becomes senile, how can you tell?

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C A R L I N

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ermany lost World War II because Hitler was completely distracted by ill-fitting clothing that he was constantly adjusting during the last two years of the war. The best exomple of a housekeeper is a diuorced woman. I read somewhere that in the last census 1.6 percent of the people were not counted. How can they know that? flRS. 000DWREIKH IS ALESDIAH low your nose” is an interesting phrase. Because you don’t really blow your nose, you blow out through your nose. If you blew your nose, I think they’d put you away. You might get someone else to blow your nose, but he would have to be a really close friend. Or completely drunk. Just when I began to find myself, depersonalization came in. I enjoy making people feel uncomfortable. Walking down the jetway to board my plane I’ll often turn to a stranger and say, “Boy, I sure hope we don’t crash into a cornfield today. If we do go down in flames, I hope we hit some houses. Or a school.” When are they gonna come up with some new Christmas carols? I ou know you’re getting old when you begin to leave the same smell in the bathroom your parents did.

I sn’t it interesting that only sex and excretion can be found legally obscene in this country? Not violence, not neglect, not abuse of humans. Only shitting and fucking; two of nature’s most necessary functions and irresistible forces. We’re always trying to control and thwart nature, even in our language. Fuck that shit! lou show me something that doesn’t cause cancer, and I’ll show you something that isn’t on the market yet. Urown-ups have great power. They can order candy on credit over the telephone and have it delivered. Wow. u lleart disease changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon just for the smell. It has become very easy to buy a gun. It used to be, “I have a gun, give some money.” Now it’s, “I have some money, give me a gun.” YOU ARE All DISEASED If you ever meet twins, talk to just one of them. It drives the other one crazy. me t o promote their hog-raising industry, each year the state of Iowa selects a young woman and names her Pork Queen. How would you like to tell the guys down at the gas station that your daughter is the Pork Queen? W hat exactly is “viewer discretion”? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air. c Uomeday I wanna see the Pope come out on that balcony and give the football scores.

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A seven-day waiting period for purchasing a handgun is stupid. It just gives the buyer that much more time to think of people he’d like to kill. Now instead of a single murder, you’ve got a multiple homicide on your hands HOUE you cucr tome suddenly, intensely amore of your legs? OUR OHU HOPE IS IHSAHE LEADERSHIP Remember, inside euery siluer lining there’s u dork cloud. or the last twenty-five years I’ve done over one hundred shows a year, each one attended by about two thousand people. More than five million people in all. I often wonder if anyone was ever killed while driving to or from one of my shows. If so, I blame myself. Where is this guy Christo uihen I need something wrapped at Christmas? I’m not worried about guns in school. You know what I’m waitin’ for? Guns in church! That’s gonna be a lotta fun. If you look around carefully the next time you go out, you’ll notice that there are some really fucked-up-looking people walking around. Dogs leod a nice life. You neuer see a dog with a mristuiotch. When you close your eyes and rub real hard, do you see that checker-board pattern? If cockpit voice recorders are so indestructible, why don’t they just build an airplane that’s one big cockpit voice recorder? 000D HEWS: Ten golfers o year ore hit by lightning.

n a trial, if they break for lunch during someone’s testimony, they always remind him afterward that he’s still under oath. That means that all during lunch he was sworn to tell the truth. So, if someone asks him, “How’s the soup?” he better be goddamn sure he gives an honest answer. “How’s the soup?” “Objection! Calls for a conclusion!” Cue been working on accepting my inner scumbag. Mow do they get all those Down’s syndrome kids to look the same? Santa is satan spelled inside out. Don’t you lose faith in your dog’s intelligence when he takes a piss and then steps in it? There was no Big Bang. There was just a Big Hand Job. At my supermarket, I get on a checkout line marked “no items,” and pay for things other people forgot to buy. fly fauorite country song is, “I Shoulda Fucked Old What’s-Her-name!’ Une consolation about memory loss in old age is that you also forget a lot of things you didn’t intend to remember in the first place. There’s actually something called the Table Tennis Hall of Fame. ometimes, during a big funeral that’s being shown on TV, you’ll see some really good-looking female mourners. But they never keep the cameras on them long enough to get a good careful look. And you can’t see their eyes because a lot of times they’re wearing sunglasses. It’s frustrating. I happen to be particularly attracted to grief-stricken women.

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EORCE CARLIN THE DODGERS EAT SHIT fhat year in world history do you suppose the first person with really clean ingernails appeared? /hat exactly is “midair”? Is there some other part of air besides the “mid” part? Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming. he sound of one hand clapping is the same as the sound of a tree falling in he forest when no one is there to hear it. What clinic did Betty Ford go to? ouldn’t it be weird if the only way people could die was that their heads suddenly exploded without warning? If there was simply no other cause of death? One day you’d be sitting there having a hot chocolate, and suddenly your head would explode. You know something? I’ll bet people would get used to it. You know what they don’t haue? Cake-f louored pie. ‘d like to live in a country where the official motto was, “You never know.” t would help me relax.

can’t wait until we get a really evil president. Not devious and cunning like Mixon and Johnson. But really, really evil. Cod, it would be so refreshing! I ou know you’re getting old when, after taking a leak, you shake your dick ind dust comes out. I auoid any restaurant that features Kaopectate on draft.

brain droppings I) anks tell you to maintain a “minimum balance.” I first learned about minimum balance from my uncle. He would come over to our house, drink a quart of wine, and try to stand up. That was minimum balance. ANOTHER [REl FOR PEACE [very now and then, on a certain days, in the late afternoon the air takes on a weird kind of purply, rose-colored light. What is that? The neutron bomb is very Republican; it leaves property alone and concentrates on destroying large numbers of people indiscriminately. I) eing a comedian, I would love to see a production of Hamlet that included a drummer, so they could use rim shots to highlight the really good lines. “To be or not to be. That is the question.” Ba-dum-bum! I have no problem with the cigar smoking trend. If some guy wants to put a big, steaming turd in his mouth and suck on it, who am I to complain? Why are we so surprised when terrorists manage to get a bomb on an airplane? Drug traffickers get things on airplanes all the time. When you reach a certain age there comes a time when everyone you know is sick. ow can people take the Olympics seriously? Judges vote politically, athletes cheat on drugs, xenophobes run wild, and the whole thing is one big greed-driven logo competition. Somehow, it’s hard to picture butterflies fucking.

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Do you know the nicest thing about looking at a picture of a 1950’s baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players. A deaf-mute carrying two large suitcases has rendered himself speechless. ? I t’s way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest, most deeply felt hatred in the world. And it makes for wonderful theater. Whenever I see a picture of the General Assembly of the United Nations, I wonder how many of the delegates are whacked on drugs. UI ith all the cars, buses, trucks, airplanes, electric motors, gasoline engines, diesel engines, compressors, turbines, drills, fans, pumps, and generators running all the time, shouldn’t the Earth now be making a loud humming sound as it moves around the sun? The pores in a latex condom are one micron in size. The human immunodeficiency virus is one half micron. So, what’s all this stuff about safe sex? Mail 1 walking. How perfect! Staying fit without having to take your eyes off the merchandise that got you out of shape in the first place. I’m sixty, and I don’t need child-resistant caps on my medicine bottles. They say, “Well, someone with children might come and visit you.” Fuck ‘em! They’re on their own. Let ‘em take their chances. Anyone who visits me is accepting a certain level of risk in the first place. c an you imagine the increase in violence there would be if no one could lie? If we could all read each other’s minds? Also, think of all the additional crying there would be.

A pager is an electronic leash, the better for your controllers to control you. One more sign that your life belongs to someone else. forty-five million people go to national parks each year. To get away from the other twojjundred million. ‘,’ Aliuays do LUhateuer’s next. That invisible hand of Adam Smith’s seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people. If you want to know how fucked up the people in this country are, just look at television. Not the programs, not the news. The commercials. Just watch only the commercials for about a week, and you’ll see how fucked up the people in this country really are. heater and sports are similar, with minor differences: In theater, after rehearsing, the actors leave dressing rooms in costume to perform shows on stages in front of audiences. In sports, after practicing, the athletes leave locker rooms in uniform to play games on fields in front of spectators. And although it’s true that both fields have agents, only the theater has makeup. Sooner or later, your parents die. Why do they put a suicide watch on certain death row prisoners? Why would you I care if a man you’re planning to kill kills himself? Does it spoil the fun? I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him. Apparently, just to piss him off. for many years, the Grand Ole Opry did not allow drums onstage.

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CARL

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ife has changed. The stores around the corner from my house used to be a grocer, butcher, laundry, tailor, barber shop, shoe repair, dry cleaner, and a beauty salon. Now it’s a wig parlor, karate school, off-track betting, a software store, sushi, yogurt, video rentals, an adult bookstore, a T-shirt shop, a copying and printing center, a storefront law office, and a clothing store for fat women. Sometimes, a city describes itself as a “Metroplex.” This is one of those bullshit word formations whereby a community tries to sound forward and progressive, in spite of all the evidence to the contrary. After every horror, we’re told, “Now the healing can begin.” No. There is no healing, just a short pause before the next horror. I think once people reach the age of forty they should be barred from using the words girlfriend or boyfriend in reference to someone they’re fucking. It’s creepy. Attention, all camouflaged males: In the American Revolution, the militias broke and ran from battle. They ran home. Only the regular army stood fast.

RUES 10 UVE BT

Life is not as difficult as people think; all one needs is a good set of rules. Since it is probably too late for you, here are some guidelines to pass along to your children. 1. Relax and take it easy. Don’t get caught up in hollow conceits such as “doing something with your life.” Such twaddle is outmoded and a sure formula for disappointment. u . Whatever it is you pursue, try to do it just well enough to remain in the middle third of the field. Keep your thoughts and ideas to yourself and don’t ask questions. Remember, the squeaky wheel is the first one to be replaced. u . Size people up quickly, and develop rigid attitudes based on your first impression. If you try to delve deeper and get to “know” people, you’re asking for trouble. 4 . Don’t fall for that superstitious nonsense about treating people the way you would like to be treated. It is a transparently narcissistic approach, and may be the sign of a weak mind. U. Spend as much time as you can pleasing and impressing others, even if it makes you unhappy. Pay special attention to shallow manipulators who can do you the most harm. Remember, in the overall scheme, you count for very little. 0. Surround yourself with inferiors and losers. Not only will you look good by comparison, but they will look up to you, and that will make you feel better.