Текст книги "Brain Droppings"
Автор книги: Джордж Карлин
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Юмористическая проза
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dog in line, walk him past the fur shop a couple of litre OK only two places in the uiorld: outr litre and outr there. HUH CHOCOLATE 15 fOR I hauE a photograph of Judge Bork. but it doesn’t do him justice. Have you ever wondered why Republ icans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time, [finally accepted )esus. Not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from. t used to be, cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Rocket 88! Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima. Tercel! What the fuck kind of lifeless, pussy names are these? Further proof America has lost its edge. I’m starting a campaign to have Finland removed as a country. We don’t need it. hat a spot! You’re in surgery, the anesthetic wears off, and as | you wake up you realize that someone in surgical clothing is carrying one of your legs over to a garbage can. The surgeon, holding a large power saw, says, “We’re all out of anesthetic, but if you’ll hold on real tight to the sides of that gurney, I’ll have that other leg off in a jiffy.”
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co in X! n3 CD P co X) CO ^ »S *– ?Q g £ *? c co ^J 1» V 3 CD O =. o rtS fTi CO P -C CT) _>. o ^5 «= 8 “o– CD o € £ rti o– = en en –CS .H O) ?5 “rts il g -5 Cn = Q ns Z < CD co co as o CD r .a 9– P- r-J O .b p- o 15 CD P .^ >– 2 o bra GEORGE C A R L I N egarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he’s worried about his child’s innocence, and I’ll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity. I thought it would be nice to get a job at a duty-free shop, but it doesn’t sound like there’s a whole lot to do in a place like that. here’s an odd feeling you get when someone on the sidewalk moves slightly to avoid walking into you. It proves you exist. Your mere existence caused them to alter their path. It’s a nice feeling. After you die, no one has to get out of your way anymore. Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckin’ empty little heads off. lorena Bobbit only did what men do to each other all the time: She showed an asshole she meant business. Americans are fucked. They’ve been bought off. And they came real cheap: a few million dirt bikes, camcorders, microwaves, cordless phones, digital watches, answering machines, jet skis, and sneakers with lights in them. You say you want a few items back from the Bill of Rights? Just promise the doo-fuses new gizmos. I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it’s not a movie. No, especially when it’s not a movie. piog,ammir>g flaw, many computer calculations, Tun t « ai and pensions, will oe throw o», by ,he of 1 yL 2000. It’s because many computer programs ” as, two digits for calculating years. It will cos, rj-^’oobilll dollars to correct ,,smiS,a,e.rm glad., like anything that causes trouble. except rage, because it takes strength to show soft mide. Then they kill someone. e: The Black Hills are sacred Indian ground. ancestors for eternity. h0 are all these people whose eyeglasses are attached to straps and bands around their necks? Please! Folks. Too precious Hold your glasses, or set them down like the rest of us. Or perhaps, strange as it sounds, put them on. You need a dual correction? Get some bifocals. IO2 rain d…» o p p…I..« 9 …» GEORGE C A R L I N housework/homework houseboy/homeboy housebreaker/ho mewrecker housekeeper/homemaker That thing you live in? Is it a house, or is it a hom&? Developers sell homes, but people buy houses. Most people don’t mind if you put ‘em in a house. But under no circumstances do they want you to put ‘em in a home, Unless it’s a happy home. A happy home is not the same as a happy h^use. A happy house is one that’s just been cleaned and painted. You’d be happy, too. The madam Polly Adler once said, “A house is not a home.” Of course, she meant a whorehouse is not a home. And it’’s not; no one would ever go to a whore home. Except a really old whore. That’s where they go: The Old Whore’s Home. orrosiTE-sAHE-orrosiTE Sometimes the same words mean opposite things. Sometimes the opposite is true. Shock absorbers are called shocks. Slow down and slow up are interchangeable. Bad taste is tasteless. Sports ifans say “turf” when they mean artificial turf. Something invaluable is; very valuable. I’ll bet you could care less. Or maybe you couldn’t care ieSs. Same difference. By the way, is it “from here on in” or “from he:re on out”? X Palsable celery X The Arionese Syberation Limby X Footday Night Monball X Daise Don’t Please the Eatsies X A knocknical techout X The New Bork Yockerknickers X Beach the Combdanner X Sylstoner Vallest X Cronker Waltite X The Unington of Washiversity X Third Enkinders of the Close Count X Kind Enclosures of the Third Count X The Inhuldable Crelk X Circy Flython’s Pything Montus X The Delaseverty Sixenty Philyers GEORGE CARL I N WHAT’S nr norivATion? < What’s all this stuff about motivation? I say, if you need motivation, you probably need more than motivation. You probably need chemical intervention or brain surgery. Actually, if you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. Serial killers stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans. I’m not sure motivation is always a good thing. You show me a lazy prick who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble. HE 6E0R0E CAR1II BOOKQUI ‘IK Oot Books OuttfeAtf Offer #2: ADVICE AND SEIE-HELP TITLES Where to Go for a Free Fuck Eat, Run, Stay Fit, and Die Anyway X You Give Me Six Weeks and I’ll Give You Some Bad Disease X Why You Should Never Mambo with a Policeman X The Stains in Your Shorts Can Indicate Your Future X Earn Big Money by Sitting in Your Car Trunk brain droppings «£ Where to Take a Short Woman ; Gave Up Hope and It Worked Just Fine Why You Should Never Yodel During an Electrical Storm Fill Your Life with Croutons ** 5u Ways to Screw Up Before Breakfast % I Suck, You Suck X Reorganizing Your Pockets X Where to Hide a Really Big Snot X Why You Must Never Give Yourself a Neck Operation X The Wrong Underwear Can Kill X Now You Can Cure Cancer by Simply Washing Up X Lightweight Summer Ensembles to Wear on the Toilet X Why No One Should Be Allowed Out Anymore X A Complete List of People Who Are Not Making Progress X Where to Throw Up Secretly X Ten Things No One Can Handle at All X Why You Should Not Sit for More Than Six Weeks in Your Own Filth THEIIEWZODIAC We need new zodiac signs. The old ones depict an obsolete world: the archer, the water bearer, and—talk about obsolete—the virgin. What we need are modern zodiac signs that represent today’s reality: The Serial Rapist, the Lone Gunman, the Suicide Bomber, the 106 GEORGE CARL Paranoid Schizophrenic, the Transsexual Crackhead, the Money Launderer, the Disgruntled Postal Worker, the Diseased Homeless Veteran the South American Drug Lord, the Third-Generation Welfare Recipient the Human Immunodeficiency Virus, and … the Personal Trainer! In case you’re one of those people who doesn’t relate well to the real world, here’s a nice, safe zodiac for you: the Soccer Mom, the Sensitive Male, the Special Needs Child, the Role Model, the Overachiever, the Jogger, the Little Leaguer, the Recycler, the Anchorperson, the Codependent, the Domino’s Delivery Boy, and … the Recovering Shopaholic. brain droppings ver in too big a hurry that I can’t stop and watch someone else’s suf-f ring. The bigger the accident the better, as far as I’m concerned. I anna see some guy whose neck is part of his gas tank. And if I can’t see enough from my particular vantage point? I’ll ask the policeman to bring the bodies over a little closer to my car. “Say, officer! Could you bring that twisted chap over here a little closer? I’ve never seen a man shaped quite like that.” That’s why the police are here: to protect, to serve, and to bring the bodies over a little closer to your car. [MS IV 6IVE A HOOT I don’t give a hoot. Not since 1959. That was the last one I gave. Wait! I think I gave a hoot in 1967. Just one. As a favor to a friend. But that was it. I’m not even sure I have any left. Frankly, I’d be afraid to look. I think I’m all out of hoots. If you want one, you’re gonna have to find it on your own. Maybe you could rent a hoot. Or steal one. I’ll bet by now there’s a black market in hoots. Hot hoots. By the way, in addition to those who don’t give a hoot, there are many others who will not take a hoot. Too proud. These are the same people who will not take any guff. But they might give you some lip. BRinO THE BODY CLOSER I often hear otherwise intelligent people complaining about drivers who slow down when driving past a traffic accident. They curse them and call them “rubberneckers.” I don’t understand this at all. I a111 I have a cable channel that shows old TV shows, but it shows them in different tenses from the originals. I don’t know how they do it. Here’s a sample: Got Smart Father Knew Best It Was Left to Beaver Daddy Had Had Room Made for Him I Shall Have Been Loving Lucy Car 54, Where Were You? Had Gun, Would Have Traveled What Had My Line Been? I Have Had a Secret That Had Been the Week That Had Been GEORGE CARLIN America has no now. We’re reluctant to acknowledge the % present. It’s too embarrassing. Instead, we reach into the past. Our culture is composed of sequels, reruns, remakes, revivals, reissues, re-releases, recreations, re-enactments, adaptations, anniversaries, memoes rabilia, oldies radio, and nostalgia record collections. World War II has been refought on television so many times, the ^k Germans and Japanese are now drawing residuals. Of course, being essentially full of shit, we sometimes feel the need to dress up this past-preoccupation, as with pathetic references to reruns as “encore presentations.” Even instant replay is a form of token nostalgia: a brief visit to the immediate past for reexaminination, before slap-“; ping it onto a highlight video for further review and re-review on into the indefinite future. Our “yestermania” includes fantasy baseball camps, where aging sad sacks pay money to catch baseballs thrown by men who were once their heroes. It is part of the fasci– A* nation with sports memorabilia, a “memory industry” so lucrative it has attracted counterfeiters. In this, the Age of Hyphens, we are truly retro-Americans. And our television newscasts not only reflect this condition, they feed it. Everything they report is twisted into some fa reference to the past. If there’s to be a summit meeting, you’ll be told all about the last six summits; if there’s a big earthquake, they’ll do a story about big earthquakes of the brain droppings past; if there’s a mine disaster, you will hear about every mine disaster since the inception of mining. They’re obsessed with looking back. I swear I actually heard this during a newscast, as the anchorman went to a commercial break: he said, “Still ahead, a look back.” Honest. “A look back: Hurricane Hugo, one year later.” Why? The anniversary of the Exxon Valdez oil spill. For what reason? The anniversary of the Bay of Pigs, Pan Am Flight 103, the hostages in Iran, the fall of the Berlin Wall, V-J Day, V-E Day, Vietnam. Who gives a fuck? Bugs Bunny’s 50th birthday, Lassie’s 55th, the Golden Jubilee of Gone With the Wind, the start of the Korean War, Barbie celebrates her 35th, the 25th anniversary of the New York blackout, Bambi turns 50. Shit, I didn’t even like Bambi when I was supposed to, how much do I care now? There’s really no harm reviewing the past from time to time; knowing where you’ve been is part of knowing where you are, and all that happy horseshit. But the American media have an absolute fixation on this. They rob us of the present by insisting on the past. If they were able, I’m sure they would pay equal attention to the future. Trouble is, they don’t have any film on it. And so, on television news there is, oddly, very little emphasis on the present; on today’s actual news. The present exists only in thirty-second stories built around eight-second sound bites. Remember, “sound bite” is their phrase. That’s what they give you. Just a bite. No chewing, no digestion, no nourishment. Malnutrition. no CARL GEORGE Another way they avoid the present moment is to look ft ahead on their own schedules. The television news industry seems to revolve around what’s coming next. “Still to come,” “Just ahead,” “Up next,” “Coming up this half-hour,” “More to come,” “Stay with us,” “Still ahead,” “Also, later . . .” ^ They even preview what’s going to happen as little as one hour later: During the “Five O’Clock News”, the empty-. headed prick who does the “Five O’Clock News” will suddenly say, “Here’s a look at what’s coming up on the ‘Six O’Clock News.’” Then the empty-headed prick who does the “Six O’Clock News” will appear in shirtsleeves in the newsroom (to create the illusion of actual work) and tell you about several stories that the empty-headed prick who does ft the “Five O’Clock News” should already have told you about if he were really a newsman. And so it goes, around the clock: On the “Five O’Clock News,” they tell you about the “Six O’Clock News”; at six O’Clock, they tell you about eleven; at eleven, they plug the morning news; the morning man promos the noontime lady, ” and, sure enough, a little after noon, here comes that empty-headed prick from the “Five O’Clock News” to tell you what he’s going to do … on the “Five O’Clock News.” You know, if a guy were paranoid, he might not be k, blamed for thinking that the people who run things don’t want you dwelling too much on the present. Because, keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the ruling class—the people who run things. Those who brain droppings decide what news you will or will not hear are paid by, and tolerated purely at the whim of, those who hold economic power. If the parent corporation doesn’t want you to know something, it won’t be on the news. Period. Or, at the very least, it will be slanted to suit them, and then barely followed up. Enjoy your snooze. 112 GEORGE CARLIN b r a i n d r o p p i n g s assistant supervisor new tradition original copy plastic glass uninvited guest highly depressed live recording authentic reproduction partial cease-fire limited lifetime guarantee elevated subway dry lake true replica forward lateral standard options I’m tired of television announcers, hosts, newscasters, and commentators, nibbling away at the English language, making obvious and ignorant mistakes. If I were in charge of America’s broadcast stations and networks, I would gather together all the people whose jobs include speaking to the public, and I would not let them out of the room until they had absorbed the following suggestions. And I’m aware that media personalities are not selected on the basis of intelligence. I know that, and I try to make allowances for it. Believe me, I really try. But still . . . There are some liberties taken with speech that I think require intervention, if only for my own sake. I won’t feel right if this chance goes by, and I keep my silence. The English word forte, meaning “specialty” or “strong point,” is not pronounced “/or-tay.” Got that? It’s pronounced “fort.” The Italian word forte, used in music notation, is pronounced “/or-tay,” and it instructs the musician to play loud: “She plays the skin flute, and her forte [fort] is playing forte [/or-tay].” Look it up. And don’t give me that whiny shit, ‘Tor-tay is listed as the second preference.” There’s a reason it’s second: because it’s not first Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains life- GEORGE CARLIN time statistics identical to his father’s, it will not be ironic. It h will be a coincidence. Irony is “a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result.” For instance: If a diabetic, on his way to buy insulin, is killed by a b runaway truck, he is the victim of an accident. If the truck was delivering sugar, he is the victim of an oddly poetic K coincidence. But if the truck was delivering insulin, ah! Then, he is the victim of an irony. If a Kurd, after surviving a bloody battle with Saddam Hussein’s army and a long, difficult escape through th^ mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large. 4 Darryl Stingley, the pro football player, was paralyzed after a brutal hit by Jack Tatum. Now Darryl Stingley’s son plays football, and if the son should become paralyzed while playing, it will not be ironic. It will be coincidental. If Darryl Stingley’s son paralyzes someone else, that will be closer to ironic. If he paralyzes Jack Tatum’s son that will be precisely ironic. I’m tired of hearing prodigal being used to mean “wandering, given to running away or leaving and returning.” The parable in the Book of Luke tells of a son who squanders his father’s money. Prodigal means “recklessly wasteful or extravagant.” And if you say popular usage has changed that, I say, fuck popular usage! The phrase sour grapes does not refer to jealousy or envy. Nor is it related to being a sore loser. It deals with the rationalization of failure to attain a desired end. In the origiinal brain dropping s fable by Aesop, “The Fox and the Grapes,” when the fox realizes he cannot leap high enough to reach the grapes, he rationalizes that even if he had gotten them, they would probably have been sour anyway. Rationalization. That’s all sour grapes means. It doesn’t deal with jealousy or sore losing. Yeah, I know, you say, “Well, many people are using it that way, so the meaning is changing.” And I say, “Well many people are really fuckin’ stupid, too, shall we just adopt all their standards?” Brain Droppings Strictly speaking, celibate does not mean not having sex, it means not being married. No wedding. The practice of refraining from sex is called chastity or sexual abstinence. No fucking. Priests don’t take a vow of celibacy, they take a vow of chastity. Sometimes referred to as the “no-nookie clause.” And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That’s all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth. Proverbial is now being used to describe things that don’t appear in proverbs. For instance, “the proverbial drop in the bucket” is incorrect because “a drop in the bucket” is not a proverb, it’s a metaphor. You wouldn’t say, “as welcome as a turd in the proverbial punchbowl,” or “as cold as the proverbial nun’s box,” because neither refers to a proverb. The former is a metaphor, the latter is a simile. 116 GEORGE CARL IN brain droppings 6 Momentarily means for a moment, not in a moment. The word for “in a moment” is presently. “I will be there presently, Dad, and then, after pausing momentarily, I will kick you in the nuts.” No other option and no other alternative are redundant The words option and alternative already imply otherness. “I had no option, Mom, I got this huge erection because there was no alternative.” This rule is not optional; the alternative is to be wrong. You should not use criteria when you mean criterion for the same reason that you should not use criterion when you mean criteria. These is my only criterions. A light-year is a measurement of distance, not time. “It will take light years for young basketball players to catch up with the number of women Wilt Chamberlain has fucked,” is a scientific impossibility. Probably in more ways than one. I An acronym is not just any set of initials. It applies only ‘ to those that are pronounced as words. MADD, DARE, NATO, and UNICEF are acronyms. FBI, CIA, and KGB are not. They’re just pricks. I know I’m fighting a losing battle with this one, but I * refuse to surrender: Collapsing a building with explosives is not an implosion. An implosion is a very specific scientific phenomenon. The collapsing of a building with explosives is the collapsing of a building with explosives. The explosives explode, and the building collapses inwardly. That is not an implosion. It is an inward collapsing of a building, following a series of smaller explosions designed to make it collapse inwardly. Period. Fuck you! Here’s another pointless, thankless objection I’d like to register. I say it that way, because I know you people and your goddamn “popular usage” slammed the door on this one a long time ago. But here goes anyway: A cop out is not an excuse, not even a weak one; it is an admission of guilt. When someone “cops a plea,” he admits guilt to some charge, in exchange for better treatment. He has “copped out.” When a guy says, “I didn’t get to fuck her because I reminded her of her little brother,” he is making an excuse. But if he says, “I didn’t get to fuck her because I’m an unattractive schmuck,” he is copping out. The trouble arises when an excuse contains a small amount of self-incriminating truth. This one is directed to the sports people: You are destroying a perfectly good figure of speech: “Getting the monkey off one’s back” does not mean breaking a losing streak. It refers only to ending a dependency. That’s all. The monkey represents a strong yen. A losing streak does not compare even remotely. Not in a literary sense and not in real life. Here’s one you hear from the truly dense: “The proof is in the pudding.” Well, the proof is not in the pudding; the rice and the raisins are in the pudding. The proof of the pudding is in the eating. In this case, proof means “test.” The same is true of “the exception that proves (tests) the rule.” 118 GEORGE CARL An eye for an eye is not a call for revenge, it is an gu Q: ment for fairness. In the time of the Bible, it was standard to take a life in exchange for an eye. But the Bible said, No, the punishment should fit the crime. Only an eye for an eye nothing more. It is not vindictive, it is mitigatory. 6 Don’t make the same mistake twice seems to indicate three mistakes, doesn’t it? First you make the mistake. Then you make the same mistake. Then you make the same mistake twice. If you simply say, “Don’t make the same mistake,” you’ll avoid the first mistake. 6 Unique needs no modifier. Very unique, quite unique, more unique, real unique, fairly unique, and extremely unique are wrong, and they mark you as dumb. Although certainly not unique. Healthy does not mean “healthful.” Healthy is a condition, healthful is a property. Vegetables aren’t healthy, they’re dead. No food is healthy. Unless you have an eggplant that’s doing push-ups. Push-ups are healthful. There is no such thing or word as kudo. Kudos is a singular noun meaning praise, and it is pronounced fcyoo-dose. There is also a plural form, spelled the same, but pronounced feyoo-doze. Please stop telling me, “So-and-so picked up another kudo today.” Race, creed, or color is wrong. Race and color, as used in this phrase, describe the same property. And “creed” is a stilted, outmoded way of saying “religion.” Leave this tired 120 brain d r o p p i n g s phrase alone; it has lost its usefulness. Besides, it reeks of insincerity no matter who uses it. As of yet is simply stupid. As yet, I’ve seen no progress on this one, but of course I’m speaking as of now. Here’s one you can win money on in a bar if you’re within reach of the right reference book: Chomping at the bit and old stomping ground are incorrect. Some Saturday afternoon when you’re gettin’ bombed on your old stamping ground, you’ll be champing at the bit to use this one. Sorry to sound so picky, folks, but I listen to a lot of radio and TV, and these things have bothered me for a long time. VIEWERS, BEWARE! Television newscasters often warn viewers that something they’re going to show might upset people: “Be warned that this next film clip is very graphic, and contains explicit language, so you might want to consider if you want to see it, or if it is suitable for your children.” Imagine! Explicit and graphic! Here are the definitions of those words according to Webster’s Third New International Dictionary; Characterized by full, clear expression; being without vagueness or ambiguity. UlflpillC. Marked by clear and lively description or striking imaginative power. Sharply outlined or delineated. So what is the problem here? Why do they feel it necessary to warn people against the possibility of seeing something clear, sharply outlined, unambiguous, and with striking imaginative power? GEORGE CAR LIN IHETRE-’EPIDEnit Preboard, prescreen, prerecord, pretaped, preexisting, preorder, preheat, preplan, pretest, precondition, preregister. In nearly ai of ^les cases you can drop the “pre” and not change the meaning of the word “The suicide film was not prescreened by the school.” No, of course not. It was screened. “You can call and prequalify for a loan over the phorie. Your loan is preapproved.” Well, if my loan is approved before I call then no approval is necessary. The loan is simply available. mim The words Fire Department make it sound like they’re the ones who are starting the fires, doesn’t it? It should be called the “Extinguishing Department.” We don’t call the police the “Crime Department.” Also, the “Bomb Squad” sounds like a terrorist gang. The same is true of wrinkle cream. Doesn’t it sound like it causes wrinkles? And why would a doctor prescribe pain pills? I already have pain! I need relief pills! mandatory options mutual differences nondairy creamer open secret resident alien brain droppings silent alarm sports sedan wireless cable mercy killing lethal assistance (Contra aid) business ethics friendly fire genuine veneer full-time day care death benefits holy war SUPER-CELEB KICKS BUCKET I dread the deaths of certain super-celebrities. Not because I care about them, but because of all the shit I have to endure on television when one of them dies. All those tributes and retrospectives. And the bigger the personality, the worse it is. For instance, imagine the crap we’ll have to endure on TV when Bob Hope dies. First of all, they’ll show clips from all his old road movies with Bing Crosby, and you can bet that some news anchor asshole will turn to the pile of clothing next to him and say, “Well, Tami, 1 imagine Bob’s on the Road to Heaven now.” Then there’ll be clips of all those funny costumes he wore on his TV sPecials, including the hippie sketch, where they’ll show him saying, 122 C A R L I N GEORGE “Far out, man, far out!” They’ll show him golfing with dead presidents kissing blonde bombshells, and entertaining troops in every war since we beat the shit out of the Peloponnesians. And at some point, a seventy-year-old veteran will choke up, and say, “I just missed seein’ him at Iwo, ’cause I got my legs blowed off. He’s quite a guy.” Ex-presidents (including the dead ones) will line up four abreast to tell us what a great American he was; show-business perennials will desert golf courses from Palm Springs to O.J.’s lawn to lament sadly as how this time, “Bob hooked one into the woods”; and, regard-ing his talent, a short comedian in a checkered hat will speak reverently about “Hope’s incredible timing.” And this stuff will be on every single newscast day and night for a week. There’ll be special one-hour salutes on “Good Morning America,” the “Today” show, and “CBS This Morning.” Ted Koppel will ask Henry Kissinger if it’s true Bob Hope actually shortened some of our wars by telling jokes close to the frontlines. CNN will do a series of expanded “Show Biz Todays.” One of the cable channels will do a one-week marathon of his movies. And it goes without saying that NBC will put together a three-hour, prime-time special called “Thanks for the Memories,” but at the last minute they’ll realize Bob Hope’s audience skews older, and sell it to CBS. Then there’ll be the funeral, carried live on the Dead Celebrity Channel, with thousands of grotesque acne-ridden fans seeking autographs from all the show-business clowns who dug out their best black golfing outfits to attend “one of the hottest burials to hit this town in decades”—Variety. And all this shit will go on for weeks and weeks and weeks. Until Milton Berle dies. And then it will start all over again. I dare not even contemplate Frank Sinatra and Ronald Reagan. brain droppings KEEP IT—WE DOnT WAnT IT Don’t you get tired of celebrities who explain their charity work by aying they feel they have to”give something back.” I don’t feel that way. I didn’t take nothin’. You can search my house; I didn’t take a thing. Everything I got, I worked for, and it was given to me freely. I also paid taxes on it. Late! I paid late. But I paid. You celebrity people wanna give something back? How about giving back half the money? Or a couple of those houses? And you dickwads who collect cars? How about giving back 50 or 60 of them? Or maybe, if you people really want to give something back, you could let go of a little of that arrogance.
