Текст книги "Brain Droppings"

Автор книги: Джордж Карлин

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Brain Droppings

GEORGE CARLIN

b r a

d r o p p i n g s

SHORT TAKES [Part 1) he wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember. lust what exactly is the “old dipsy doodle”? When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person. Sties arc caused by matching your dog shit. SONETinES A LITTLE BRA1H DAHAGE CAH HELP A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, “Oh, great. I’d like to see some of the things he’s done.” Euentually there mill come a time when eueryone is in a band. Weyerhauser, a company that makes its money by cutting down trees, calls itself “The tree-growing company.” If a man smiles all the time he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work. llot only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did. … ;.<.,..ii ,,,, .,.„;.> …. y , . ,,.. ,,, ,.. , ..

H likely is it that all the people who are described as missing are living together in a small town somewhere? We’re all fucked. It helps to remember that. I f lobsters looked like puppies, people could never drop them in boiling water while they’re still alive. But instead, they look like science fiction monsters, so it’s OK. Restaurants that allow patrons to select live lobsters from a tank should be made to paint names on their shells: “Happy,” “Baby Doll,” “Junior.” I defy anyone to drop a living thing called “Happy” in rapidly boiling water. The nicest thing about anything is not knowing what it is. I feel sorry for homeless gay people; they have no closet to come out of. In fact, I imagine if you were gay and homeless, you’d probably be glad just Xohave a closet. I’ve adopted a new lifestyle that doesn’t require my presence. In fact, if I don’t want to, I don’t have to get out of bed at all, and I still get credit for a full day. The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine. I can’t bear to go to the children’s zoo. I always wonder how their parents can allow them to be kept in those little cages. If you take the corn off the cob, not only do you have corn-off-the-cob, you also have cobs-out-from-inside-the-corn.

; E 0 R C E CARLIN

brain d r o p p i n g s

Why do foreign soldiers march funny? Do they think we march funny? If we do, how would we know? If you moil a letter to the post office, mho deltas it? n the fritz” is a useful expression only if you’re talking about a home appliance. You wouldn’t say, “The Space Shuttle is on the fritz.” You’d never hear it in a hospital. “Doctor, the heart-lung machine is on the fritz.” Rarely does Q loose woman houe a tight pussy. Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big. lly uncle thought he would clean up in dirt farming, but prices fell, and he took a real bath. Eventually, he washed his hands of the whole thing. Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. lest of metal: Will of Iron, nerues of steel, heart of gold, balls of brass. WHITE FEOfLE FUCKED UP THE BLUES If you loue someooe, set them free: if they come home, set them on fire. I’ve never owned a telescope, but it’s something I’m thinking of looking into. Whenever I see a large crowd, I always wonder what was the most disgusting thing any one of them ever did.

I think they ought to let guys like Jeffrey Dahmer off with a warning. They do

+ with speeding tickets. Sometimes all a guy needs is a good talking to. Why don’t they say, “Listen, Jeff. Knock it off! Nobody thinks you’re funny. Eat one more guy and we’re comin’after ya.” b ey kids! It’s mostly bullshit and garbage, and none of the stuff they tell you is true. And when your dumb-ass father says he wants you to amount to something, he means make a lot of money. How do you think the word amount got in there? Those nicotine patches seem to work pretty well, but I understand it’s kind of hard to keep’em lit. ? n El Salvador, they declared a cease fire after ten years. Why didn’t they think of that at the beginning? Anyway, the best thing about El Salvador is that they killed a lot of religious people. How often do you get 10 percent of the body count in clergy? At one point in my haste to improve myself, I mixed up the telephone numbers of the Shick Center for the Control of Smoking and the Evelyn Woods Speed Reading School. As a result, I can now smoke up to 300 cigarettes a minute, but I gave up reading. freschool teacher”: If it’s not a school, why do they need a teacher? Don’t they need a “preteacher”? Most people ore not particularly good at anything.

EORCE CARLIN

brain droppings

1

ow can someone be “armed with a handgun”? Shouldn’t he be armed with an “armgun”? Can a handgun really be a sidearm? And shouldn’t a hand grenade be an arm grenade? You don’t throw it with your hand, you throw it with your arm. Try Explaining Hitler to a kid.

I rnoossible to know accurately how you look in your sunglasses. As he ayes, Mickey Rooney gets euen shorter. e levators and escalators do more than elevate and escalate. They also lower. The names tell only half the story. do one euer refers to “half o month1.’

FUCK Alison fhy; do we turn lights “out” when we turn most other things “off”?

Don’t you get discouraged each morning when you wake up and realize you have to wash again? Kou show me the people who control the money, the land, and the weapons, and I’ll show you the people in charge.

Iforking-class people “look for work.” Middle-class people “try to get a ob.” Upper-middle-class people “seek employment.” .an you have just one antic? How about a lone shenanigan? A mon-ceyshine? mere are two pips in a beaut, four beauts in a lulu, eight lulus in a doozy, and sixteen doozies in a humdinger. No one knows how many humdingers there are in a lollapalooza. Ihose who dance are considered insane by those who can’t hear the music. ??,???’

THERE Will BE HO HORE PAPER TOWELS AFTER JULY

‘m not going to apologize for this, but I have my own personal psychic. He doesn’t predict the future, and he can’t tell you much about your past. But he does a really fantastic job of describing the present. For instance, he can tell you exactly what you’re wearing, but he can’t do it over the phone. We’re all amateurs; it’s just that some of us are more professional about it than others. When the going gets tough, the tough get fucked. I was expelled from cooking school, and it left a bad taste in my mouth. ‘,

GEORGE CARLIN

brain dropping

ast year, in Los Angeles, a robber threatened a store owner with syringe that he claimed had HIV on it, saying “Give me the money or I’ll give you AIDS.” You know what I would’ve told him? “If you give me AIDS I’m gonna find your wife and daughter and fuck them.” I think me should attack Russia now. They’d neuer expect it. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it. What is the plural of “a hell of a guyTllls of guys”? Ihe phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives. I neuer eat sushi. I haue trouble eating things that are merely unconscious. When you find existing time on a parking meter, you should be able to add it to the end of your life. Minus the time you spent on hold. I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. 1 felt better right away. You can’t fight City Hall, but you con goddamn sure blow it up. J ust think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself. JESUS WAS A [ROSS-DRESSER 76

I p n0 ax to grind, but 1 do have an ivory letter opener that could use sharpening. eminists want to ban pornography on the grounds that it encourages violence against women. The Japanese consume far more violent and depraved pornography than we do, and yet there is almost no rape reported there. A woman is twenty times more in danger of being raped in the U.S. than she is in Japan. Why? Because Japanese people are decent, civilized, and intelligent. The only good thing euer to come out of religion mas the music. I don’t have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better. Do kings haue suieat bands in their crowns? When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? There ought to be at least one round state. f or a long time it was all right for a woman to keep a diary, but it sounded too fruity for men. So they changed it to journal. Now sensitive men can set down their thoughts without appearing too sensitive. In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first. A courtesy bus driuer once told me to go fuck myself.

C A R L I N GEORGE ometimes the label on the can says “fancy peas.” Then, you get ‘em home and they’re really rather ordinary. Nothing fancy about ‘ern at all. Maybe if they had little bullfight paintings on them, they would be fancy. But as it is… SLAP A DEAD mil If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. Cventually, nature will produce a species that can play the piano better than we can. 1 don’t think me really gaue barbarism a fair try. fiano lessons sound like something a piano should take. Humans should take piano-playing lessons. Did you hear about the man who left in a huff and returned in a jiffy? Another day, he arrived in a tizzy and left in a snit. His wife swept in in a fury and left in a daze, then left in a dither and returned in a whirl. If you go to a bone bonk, uihy can’t you make a calcium deposit? g et down!” is a slang expression that would have been really useful in World War II. If soldiers had known this expression at the time, a lot of lives could have been saved. WHY [AM THERE BE flORE SUFFERING?

brain droppings There are no times that don’t haue moments like these. ince 1983, ™°re ^an thirty people have been killed in post office shootings. You know why? Because the price of stamps keeps changing. There’s a lot of pressure. “How much are they now, Rob? Twenty-nine? Thirty-two? I can’t keep track! Fuck it!” BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!! On Opening Day, the President doesn’t throw out the first ball. He throws it in If he threw it out, it would land in the parking lot and someone would have to go get it. Where does the dentist go uihen he leaues you alone? Why are there never any really good-looking women on long distance buses? I almost don’t feel the may I do. e’re not satisfied with forcing Russia to destroy its nuclear weapons and recant its ideology. Now we’re really going to get even: we’re sending experts to show them how to run their economy. Am I missing something? A country with a five-trillion-dollar debt is giving advice on handling money? only ‘took him to the cleaners.” Whenever I hear that I wonder if that was the errand he had to run. Maybe she also took him to the adult bookstore. I) I go to bed early, fly fauorite dream comes on at nine. est seller” really only means “good seller.” There can only be one best seller. All the rest are good sellers. Each succeeding book on the list is a “better seller.”.

GEORGE C A R L I N I here should be some things we don’t name, just so we can sit around all day and wonder what they are. Everything is still the same. It’s just a little different noui. Ihe symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife—because the music hadn’t been beautiful enough. lou know why I stopped eating processed foods? 1 began to picture the people who might be processing them. Whenever I see a large crowd I always think of all the dry cleaning they have out. I didn’t wash today. I wasn’t dirty. If I’m not dirty, I don’t wash. Some weeks I don’t have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush. When you buy a six-foot dildo, and call it a marital aid, you are stretching not just the anatomy, but the limits of credibility. At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. Ihe child molester skipped breakfast, but said he’d grab a little something on the way to work.

brain droppings HINCS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR: “Jeff? We’re going to have to break your skull again and reset it. Okay? It’s way out of line. It looks really strange. But we won’t do it until we’ve opened up that incision and put some more fire ants inside of you. OK?” In Panama, during the election that defeated Noriega, there were “dignity battalions” that wandered the streets beating and robbing and killing people. omeone said to me, “Make yourself a sandwich.” Well, if I could make myself a sandwich, I wouldn’t make myself a sandwich. I’d make myself a horny, 18-year-old billionaire. Why would anyone want to use a flood light? I should think lights would be kind of dangerous during a flood. Better just to sit in the dark and wait for help. There are nights mhen the uiolues are silent, and only the moon howls. Ihe nicest thing about a plane crashing at an air show is that they always have good video of the actual crash. How come none of these boxers seem to hove a losing record? “here ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground. If I only had one tooth, I think I would brush it a real long time.

GEORGE CARLIN If me could just find out mho’s In charge, UIE could kill l% Whenever I hear that someone works in his shirtsleeves, I always wonder what he did with the rest of the shirt. It is impossible to dry one hand. The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception js being carried out. I saw an old woman who I thought was looking on the ground for a contact lens. As I drew closer, I realized she was actually all hunched over from osteoporosis. OERHS LIVE in BY HAT

brain droppings I notice I don’t see as many buck-toothed uiomcn as I used to. The thing I like the rnos* about this country is that, in a pinch, when things ally get tough, you can always go into a store and buy some mints. I’ve watched so many documentaries about World War II, I’m sure I’ve seen the same people die hundreds of times. I’ll bet there aren’t too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes. ? read that some guy was giving up the governor’s chair to run for a Senate seat. Why would he give up a chair to run for a seat? Why not be a judge and sit on the bench? 7 How do primitive people know if they’re doing the dances correctly?

Tou can lead a gift horse to water in the middle of the stream, but you can’t look him in the mouth and make him drink. eep Throat: Think about it. There is actually an important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job movie. How do grade-school teachers handle this? Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body. nothing is so boring as listening to someone else describe a dream. hat is all this stuff about a kick being “partially blocked”? It’s either blocked, not blocked, or deflected. Partially blocked is like “somewhat dead.” i 82

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: “Please stop sucking my dick or I’ll call the police.” r egarding smoking in public: Suppose you were eating in a restaurant, and every two minutes the guy at the next table threw some anthrax germs in the air. Wouldn’t you want to sit in a different section? Ihe savings-and-loan associations that will cost $500 billion to bail out are called “the thrifts.” ?he idea of a walk-in closet sounds frightening. If I’m ever sittin’ at home and a closet walks in, I’m gettin’ outta there. ‘he reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

5te™sonlpp«biitsteWttenic6tfaaUKr«W. Time sharing got a bod name, so noai they call it “interual ou.nersl.ip7 E 0 R G E CARL IN IMMR )w can there possibly be a self-addressed envelope? They say now they /en have envelopes that are self-sealing. This I gotta see! sign: Park and ride. It’s confusing. They really oughta make up their saw a ninds. ark and lock. Here we go again. If you park and lock, you’re stuck in the :ar. It should be park, get out, and lock. “Ho comment” is a comment. Why is it like this? Why isn’t everything different? If you have chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?

*. and yet the becomes women by changing the vowel at the end, while the pronunciation changes near the beginning. Was somebody drunk when these decisions were made? Russia actually has something called uodka riots.

brain d r o p p i n g s | think it would be fun to go on “jeopardy” and never buzz in. just stand here for half an hour, never talk, and then go home. Di lomatic immunity is necessary, because of the many diseases diplomats are exposed to in foreign countries. Why is San Francisco in the “bay area,” but Saudi Arabia is in the “gulf region”? Is a region really bigger than an area? Ill henever I hear about a spy ring, I always wonder if that’s the only jewelry they wear. You’d think a spy wouldn’t want to call attention to himself with a lot of flashy jewelry. For instance, you never hear about a spy necklace. THIS IS JUST m It’s better if an entire family gets Alzheimer’s disease. That way they can all sit around and wonder who they are. Harness racing may be all right for some people, but 1 prefer watching the horses. If you get cheated by the Belter Business Bureau, mho do you complain to? As soon as a person tells you they have a surprise for you, they have lost the element of surprise. <’ : ,.

Ill !i

GEORGE CARLIN

b r a

droppings

saw a picture of the inventor of the hydrogen bomb, Edwin Teller,wearing a tie clip. Why would the man who invented a bomb that destroys everything for fifty miles be concerned about whether or not his tie was straight? Ho one calls you “Bub” onymorE. Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who’d be willing to test any drug they can come up with. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play? I AH REPELLED BY WHOLESOHEnESS III hen they say someone is making a “personal tour,” are they sug-III gesting that, on the other hand, it is somehow possible to make a ^?H tour without actually being there? After how much time does a persistent cough become a chronic cough? Intelligence tests are biased toiiiard the literate. I he carousel and Ferris wheel owners traveled in different circles so they rarely made the rounds together. Which is more immoral? Killing two 100-pound people or killing one 300-pound person?

uest host is a bad enough oxymoron, but NBC raised the stakes when, a few years back, they installed Jay Leno as the “permanent quest host.” Not to be outdone, Joan Rivers pointed out that she had been the “first permanent guest host.” Check, please! I don’t own o camera, so I trauel with a police sketch artist. ? I f JFK Jr. got into a taxi in New York to go to the airport, do you think he would say, “Take me to JFK?” How would he feel about that? And how does Lee Harvey Oswald’s mother feel when she walks through JFK, knowing that if she had stayed single it would probably be Martin Luther King Jr. Airport? Which is taller, a short-order cook or a small-engine mechanic? Hobbies ore for people mho lock direction. FUCK SOCCER nons A graveyard always has to start with a single body. Unless the1 local people get lucky and there’s a nice big bus accident in town. : ” lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they s^y, “He was a loner.” Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with. Is it illegal to charge admission to a free-for-all?

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GEORGE C A R L I N

brain droppings

read about some mob guy who was being charged with gambling, loan sharking, extortion, narcotics, prostitution, murder, pornography, labor racketeering, stolen cars, business fraud, mail fraud, wire fraud, bribery, corruption, perjury, and jury tampering. Here’s a guy who didn’t waste a minute. Busy, busy, busy! Hy definition of bod luck: catching AIDS from a Quaker. Dogs and cats get put to sleep, hogs and cows get slaughtered. If a speed freak went to Rapid City to make a quick buck in fast food he might sell instant coffee in an express lane. I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public. Imagine houi thick Japanese people’s photo albums must be. Uome national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. I think when you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. When football fans tear down the goalpost, uihere do they take it? Just because your penis surgery was not successful is no reason to go off half-cocked. ? n England in 1830, William Hukkison became the first person ever run over by a railroad train. Wouldn’t that make you feel stupid? For millions and millions of years there were no trains, and then suddenly they have trains and you get run over?

noTHino MITRES 7 Shouldn’t a complimentary beuerage tell you uihat a fine person you are? Only Americans could find as a prime means of self-expression the wave and the high five. It is important to remember that although the Automobile Club has a health plan, the health club does not have an automobile plan. Auto racing: slow minds and fast cars. If you fuck a baseball player’s wife while he’s on the road, his team will lose the next day. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, mould you say she had a fourth sense? Why do the Dutch people have two names for their country, Holland and the Netherlands, and neither one includes the word Dutch? late one night it struck me that for several years I had been masturbating to a Wilma Flintstone fantasy. d oes the water that signifies the passage of time flow under the bridge, or over the dam? I’ve heard both versions, and I’m concerned about the people who live near the dam. n the movies, when someone buys something they never wait for their change.

88

GEORGE CARL IN

brain droppings

I buy stamps by mail. It works OK until I run out of stamps. Whenever someone tells me they’re going to fix a chicken, I always think Maybe it isn’t really broken. Maybe it just needs a little oil. lly only superstition: if you drop a spoon, a wild pig will offer to finance your next car. As o matter of principle I neuer attend the first annual anything Why is it with any piece of home electronics equipment there are always a few buttons and switches you never use? There is actually a shoiu on the Lifetime channel called “Dentistry Update’.1 Ill hen you eat two different types of candy bars in succession, the second one is not as easy to enjoy because you get so used to how good the first one tastes. BLOOD IS THICKER THAnURME I hey said some guy arrested for murder in Las Vegas had “a history of questionable actions.” Can you imagine if we were all held to that standard? There is no mill, and there is no wisdom. s ome people like to watch “monster trucks” drive on top of cars and crush them. Then there are the other people who can’t get to the arena, because they don’t have cars.

, – a| tor men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers. ook at the self-help titles in the bookstore, and you’ll get a fews clues about our culture. They’re all about aggression and acquisition. It wouldn’t be at all surprising to see a book called How to Force Your Will on Other People by Giving Them the Shaft and Fucking Them out of Their Money. When you sneeze, all the numbers in your head go up by one. iow can crash course and collision course have two different meanings? I wonted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn’t find an opening. Why don’t they have dessert at breakfast? ” ! ‘? uometimes I look out the airplane window at a large city at night and wonder how many people are fucking. Why don’t they have rye pancakes? Grapefruit cookies? Fig ice cream? Canteloupe pie? I he mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear. I hope they do clone the dinosaurs, and they come back just in time for the ozone layer to disappear and wipe those ugly motherfuckers out again. .,,

A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt. 90

GEORGE CARLIN

brain d

Toppings

? n most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who “don’t know.” What isn’t generally understood is that it’s the same people in every poll. I read that a patient got AIDS from his dentist. It wasn’t from the blood; apparently, the dentist fucked him in the ass. “Open wide!” Regarding Red Riding Hood: Wolves can’t be all bad if they’ll eat your grandmother. Even Grandpa won’t do that. I think we’ve outgrown the word gripe. When everyone has automatic weapons, a word \ke gripe is sort of irrelevant. no SHERV

I he friendly skies.” “The skies are not cloudy.” How is this possible? I look up, I see one sky. ids are now being born with syphilis and cocaine habits. There’s nothing like waking up your second day on Earth and realizing that once you kick cocaine you’re still gonna have the syph. And hey, kids! If you didn’t get VD in the womb, don’t worry, you still have a shot. Some toddlers recently picked up gonorrhea at a day care center. I always thought a semi-truck driver was someone who dropped out of truck-driving school halfway through the course. When Sammy Davis Jr. kissed a woman, do you think he closed his bad eye?

nvironmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands. When a lion escapes from a circus in Africa, how do they know when they’ve caught the right one? Ihe safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store. Wouldn’t it be funny if you went to group therapy and the Mills Brothers were there? I’m not an organ donor, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army. ^ Cancer research is a grouith industry. uometimes I sit for hours weighing the fine distinctions among spunk, pluck, balls, nerve, chutzpah, gall, and moxie. It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months. YOU nEVER SEE A arjackings, smash-and-grabs, snipers, home invasions, follow-home robberies, hostage incidents, barricade/standoff situations, drive-by shootings, walk-up shootings, traffic shootings, pipe bombs, mail bombs. Shit! We never had cool crimes like that when I was a kid. All we had was robbery and murder. I feel deprived.

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t exas canceled plans to put its motto, Friendship, on its license plates People complained that it was too wimpy. Why don’t they just change their motto? Let’s Kill All the Niggers comes to mind as appropriate. In ViEnna. they recently hod an opera riot. Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors. Ill ^ ’s ‘* w’ien y°u kuv f’ve shirts, there’s always one you never wea.r? 111 To minimize this problem, when I shop for shirts I always put one &l back just before I pay. ily family and I are doing our bit for the environment. We’ve volunteered, to have sixty metric tons of human waste stored in our home. CAHCER CAUSES HEART DISEASE hopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Crreat American Addiction. No one is immune: When the underclass riots in this country, they don’t kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing. I made a bargain with the devil: I would get to be famous, and he would get to fuck my sister. g ranola bars didn’t sell very well when they were good for you. INOW they have caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat, and sweeteners; and a small amount of oats and wheat. Sales picked up.

y ou know you’re in trouble when you look behind the clerk and see one of your personal checks displayed on the wall as an example of why the store does not accept personal checks. As grown-ups, we never get to “wave bye-bye.” I think it would be fun. “Steve, the boss is sailing for Europe; we’re all going down to the dock to wave bye-bye.” Some things o king neuer has to say:

“tan I play, too?” “Hey, guys, wait for me1.1 “I neuer seem to get laid!1 id you ever go somewhere and realize it used to be a different place? And it dawns on you that some things are not here anymore. Of course, some other things are not here yet. And nothing seems to be where it used to be; everything’s been moved. Sometimes I think if we could just put everything back where it originally was, we might be all right. I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else. Aiumnun is A JIVEHEIAI lou know you’re in a poor neighborhood when you give the store clerk a dollar and he asks you if you have anything smaller. e O lrice childhood is a time when kids prepare to be grown-ups, I think it a lot of sense to completely traumatize your children. Gets ‘em ready the real world.

b t a i n droppings

? 0 R C E

C A R L 1 N

|fyou want to keep your times a week. [h all that humping going on, )FK’s administration shouldn’t hav& led Camelot, they should have called it Come-a-lot. ?here is a new British rock band called So Long, Mate! During each performance one member of the band is ritually slaughtered. The muSjc has ? a certain urgency, but the tours are nice and short. About five davs. hen the convention of testicle transplant surgeons had its annual Softball ime, they asked me to throw out the first ball. 3u know what would be fun? Drop acid, smoke PCP, and then ta|