Текст книги "Man Up Playboy "

Автор книги: Danielle Sibarium

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Текущая страница: 9 (всего у книги 14 страниц)

Chapter 17

"I guess this summer fucked you up pretty bad, huh?" Noah asks.

"You have no idea." Fucked up doesn't even touch the surface. I was lost, alone. I had no one to turn to. "I don't know what was worse, finding out Selene was pregnant, catching you and Lexi together, or having my father tell me he's gay. And lucky me, it all happened in the same week."

"But you turned it around and it all worked out."

"Not all, Noah. Selene and I didn't work out."

"You don't know that. Make it right."

That's my best friend, always simplifying things. I look out the tiny window at the inky black sky. "She forgave me once, I don't think I'm lucky enough, or deserving enough for her to forgive me again. We don't even know if she's going to make it." My voice cracks. Tears streak down my face. I don't bother hiding them. I just swipe them away with my hand. I have no more pride, just regret. Regret for letting the best thing in my life slip through my fingers.

"Get this through that thick skull of yours, Cooper. She's going to make it. And you're going to get down on your knees and beg her to forgive your sorry ass one last time. And she will. Because she loves you."

*

I fall back to my memories once again. One week changed everything. Everything I know has been altered and nullified. What's worse, I have no one to turn to. No safe haven. No one to get lost in. I scroll through the contacts on my phone. I don't want to call anyone. No one can fill the void she left. No one can make my chest stop aching. Even though I feel trapped and betrayed by Selene, I miss her, and I can't shake the empty feeling inside me.

Under normal circumstances I'd turn to Noah, but I can't now. I caught that son of a bitch fucking my sister. My baby sister. I lost it when I caught her coming out of his room, dressed in his clothes. Even though I went with him and helped him make amends, I'm not on great terms with either of them. Especially since I had to own up to how I've spent years trying to keep them apart. And the cherry on this dung cake I'm being served, is finding out that my father has been leading a secret gay life since he left us. My father is gay. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?

It's like the only people that care about me, that really know me, conspired to make my life a living hell. I've never felt so lost or alone. Even if I had someone else to turn to, I don't want anyone. I want Selene. I pace around my apartment for the fiftieth time this morning. It's quiet and empty. The silence is deafening.

I want a distraction. I need one, but no matter what I do, or where I go, I'm reminded of why I'm so fucking uptight and miserable. No matter where I look, I see her. In my bed, on my couch.

Needing an escape and a diversion, I go down to the pool and swim a few laps. Physical exertion usually loosens me up. I use my pent up anger and frustration to fuel my arms as I cut through the water, pulling it behind me and propelling me forward with every stroke. It's not working. My muscles are tight, and I'm cramping up. Instead of thinking about breathing and the precision of my strokes, I'm wondering if Selene is alone, or if she already found someone to replace me.

I can't take it anymore. I have to go to her. I don't know if she's home, but it's the best place to start. I haven't attempted to contact her since I walked out on her, nor has she pinged me. I only hope she's not so furious that she won't respond at all. I don't want her to know I'm coming, but if she's not home, I'll need to reach out to her, and if she's across the county, I'll just have to go to her.

I shower and dress quickly, making sure to take the time to shave before I step out of my apartment. She loves to run her soft hands over my face when I'm clean shaven. Since I have no idea how she'll react to seeing me, I have to give her some incentive to hear me out.

I stop off at the little store in the building before heading to Selene's. I don't know what she's going to think of the little peace offering I got for her, but it's less about what she likes, more about sending a message: I'm sorry, and I'm here for her. Before I overthink things and change my mind, I get in the car focused on my mission. Win Selene back.

I stand outside her door poised to knock when the air is sucked from my lungs.

Voices.

Selene's, and a distinctly male voice. I don't have time to think about how much it hurts that she's moved on, I need to decide. Now. Stay or go? They're close. He's probably leaving. I look around for someplace to hide, to shield myself.

The door opens, and I'm standing like an idiot unable to move. I see him, but my eyes dart to the side just behind him, where Selene is. Those oceans of blue that I've been longing to see grow wide with surprise. Good.

"Let me guess, you're the boyfriend. I'm sorry, ex-boyfriend," the guys says to me, accentuating the last word, with his arms folded over his chest.

"I'm the boyfriend." I confirm and correct, knowing at once who it is. Mateo.

Before he says another word, Selene touches his arm, looks up at him and gives a slight shake of her head. Fuck. She's telling him she doesn't want to see me. I size him up. We're about the same build, although I'm sure I could take him.

Over the years I learned to channel the anger and pain into my fists. I don't fight often, especially not since I started modeling, but I'll do it now. If I have to, I'll fight to win my girl back.

"Selene?" Even I can hear the uncertainty in my voice as I say her name. I hate that I sound weak. I need to win her over with the same confidence I had when we met. She liked that. Only now, I'm not confident. About anything. Except that my life is falling apart without her in it.

"Go. I'll be fine." She says to her friend. God I hope that's all he is. Fucker moves fast.

A long moment passes with Mateo and we're caught in a stare down. I don't move. I don't blink. Ignoring me completely he turns to her and kisses her cheek. I'm straining to relax my fingers. They have a mind of their own, and the way they're clenching, balling up into fists, tells me they want to punch Mateo and break his perfect fucking nose.

On the bright side, if he and Selene moved out of the friend zone he'd be kissing her on the lips, not the cheek. It's the only bright spot in a bleak haze of darkness.

"I'll be back if you need me."

"Thanks." She offers a smile and dismisses him.

Once again, Mateo's eyes look me up and down. I don't respond. I know that look. He's trying to intimidate me. Not going to happen buddy. I keep my temper in check. If I lose it over Mateo, I'm done for. Once he's gone, Selene steps to the side making room for me to enter her apartment. It's a good sign.

I look around at the small studio. This is no place for a kid. No place for my kid. I can't believe she's pregnant. I hand her the bag. "I didn't know what to bring. I figured flowers and chocolate are too cliché, so I brought you pickles and ice cream."

"Pickles and ice cream?" She says sounding surprised. "Because they aren't at all cliché."

I shrug. "I'm not even sure that's still ice cream. It's probably all melted and drippy."

She takes the bag and heads over a few feet to the kitchen area. "Why are you here?" She asks emotionless, taking the ice cream out of the bag and putting it in the freezer.

I wait for her to turn and look at me. I don't know what to say first. The words are a jumbled mess in my head, I know they won't come out any clearer when I speak, so I start with the first thing that comes to mind. "I'm here to apologize." I step towards her and bring us chest to chest. She backs up so that the counter is at her back. I can't help myself, I reach out and brush a stray hair behind her ear. Even though her eyes drop, I hear the deep intake of breath, and I relax a little. She might try to fight it, but that breath means I still affect her.

"I miss you."

She still doesn't respond. I reach for her hands and rub my thumb over her knuckles.

"I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm so sorry, baby. I was scared that you were sick, that I might lose you forever. I couldn't handle it."

She pulls her hands out of mine. Shit. This doesn't bode well. I have to turn this around. Fast.

"I would think if you were afraid of losing me, you would've been relieved."

"Everything I said and did, I hate myself. You can't possibly hate me more than I hate me. Please, give me another chance, Selene. Give us another chance. "

Her eyes are tinged with sadness as she's no doubt reliving our last moments together in Italy. I need to take her mind off that, make her forget how cruel I was. I hold her head in my hands and massage the base of her neck. My eyes drop to her lips. Those luscious lips that I yearn to feel against mine. Not yet. I don't want to deal with rejection from her and I'm afraid if I move too fast I'll blow my chance.

"Nothing's changed. I'm still having my baby." She looks up at me, her jaw set, defiance ripe in her eyes.

"Our baby." It comes out low and soft, like a whisper. I can't believe that I'm saying it, that I'm signing on for this. But I have no choice.

She shakes her head. "You accused me . . ."

"I know." I don't want her to repeat the ugly things I said. I need to cut her off and get my words out clear and concise. I inch closer and focus on her mouth. I dip my head down, and ever so lightly brush my lips against hers.

I'm hoping to tease her memory, make her remember what happens when we touch like this; the warmth, the desire, the all-out need. My heart races and I think I'm trembling. I haven't had this kind of physical response since the first time I got laid. But it's Selene's reaction I'm interested in. I need to see how she reacts to me, to a tiny taste after a week of being starved. I need to know that her body misses me the way my body misses her.

Selene's hips tilt toward me, and I know I'm on the right track. I slide my hands down her back to her waist, and then under the hem of her shirt. I close my eyes as my hands ghost over the skin on her back. Pressing my hips against her abdomen I hope she feels how much I want her.

Selene shakes her head in protest. She doesn't want me. Fuck. The ache in my chest is becoming unbearable.

"I miss you so much. I miss you when I wake up in the morning. I miss you when I go to sleep at night. My entire day is spent wondering where you are and what you're doing. I wonder each minute if you're alone, or if you're thinking of me as well."

She scrunches her eyes up tight, like it's painful to hear my words. Maybe it is. It's more painful to say them and know there's a chance she's going to tell me to fuck off.

"This isn't real. You've had time to think and practice it all. What you said in Italy, you had no time to think or prepare. That was how you really felt."

"Yes." If I deny it she won't believe me. I need to own up to it. I cup her cheek, and her head tilts ever so slightly into my hand. It's working. She wants me back, even if she doesn't realize it yet. "I was surprised. Shocked. You told me you were on the pill. We were supposed to be safe."

"I didn't want to get pregnant." Her voice hitches up an octave or two. "This isn't the direction I saw my life going in. When I first found out, I wanted to die, because I knew you wouldn't want it, or me anymore."

The ache in my heart changes. It's sharp and slicing, and just increased tenfold.

She wanted to die. Because of me.

Nothing she's ever said or done is as painful as that one statement. I don't know how she does it, but I'm mad as hell and completely devastated at the same time. All my strength just melted away. I let the facade drop and allow my raw feelings to have free reign over me. I tilt her chin up forcing her to look at me.

"Don't, Ever. Say. That." My voice is deep, husky. Even though my eyes feel like watery puddles, I give her a pointed look. "No one is worth giving your life up for. Especially not me."

"Tell me about Luna."

I feel my lungs burn from the lack of air. I shake my head.

"Please."

"No. She has nothing to do with us, and I don't want to waste my time with you dwelling on her. Please I need you to just respect that."

"Cooper?" She looks away. "How am I supposed to give you another chance when you won't talk about what's really bothering you? You love her. That's why you have that tattoo."

I shake my head. "That's not why I got it. It's more to remember the things I did wrong. So I don't make the same mistakes, like the one I made with you in Italy. Please, Selene. Just let it drop."

She nods. "Cooper, it's yours. I swear. I haven't been with anyone since . . ."

I can't hold back anymore. I crush my mouth against hers because I don't know any other way to communicate how I feel. This is all I know. My tongue invades her mouth and my hands move up her sides, into her hair, down her back to her ass. After a few minutes of desperate kissing, I pull back, my heart thundering, breathless.

"I was scared. Really, really scared. Maybe this is what I needed to realize you're the only one for me," I whisper pulling her shirt off.

She shakes her head.

"Don't." I bring my hands around to the front of her waistband. "Don't shut me up. Don't shut me out."

I unbutton her jeans and slowly inch them down her long, beautiful legs, making sure my fingertips graze over her skin. I stand up and take my time admiring the beautiful woman in front of me. Her eyes are nervous, vulnerable. She makes no move to touch me. That's okay. This is going to be all about her.

Holding her tight I press my lips against her neck. She moans and squirms in my arms. Her hands rest on my shoulders, and I'm not sure if she's holding on or trying to push me away. I don't think she's fully decided yet.

One leg bends and rises up. Her knee is at my hip. I close my eyes sliding my hand over that leg and place it back on the ground. With my fingers tangled in her hair, I kiss her mouth once more before my hands crawl down her sides, my mouth follows suit, kissing, tasting every delicate inch of her, until my fingers hook into her panties.

I drop to my knees in front of her. Her scent invades my senses and makes me high. I look up checking once more to make sure she's okay and in the moment with me. Her open mouth and hooded eyes spur me on.

With her hips in my hands, my lips tease her lower abdomen. First I dot quick, gentle kisses around her belly button. Her fingers twine in my hair and pull. Finally. I'm on the right track. On the second go around I expand the surface area of my oral assault, opening my mouth and adding my tongue to lick and brush against her skin. Her breaths are coming faster, deeper.

"Cooper," she calls out in her "fuck me" voice. The voice my cock has been waiting to hear. Feeling my own need and desire bringing me to the edge, I nip at her gently from time to time, causing her to whimper.

With her panties still on, I reach between her legs and press my fingers slightly inside. Fuck she's wet. I want to tear these off, but I refrain. I need to hold back and make sure this is good for her.

"Cooper, please!"

I give in to her request and pull her panties down. I stop again and look back up at her. She's leaning her hands back on the counter, holding on, using it for support. Her heaving chest is calling out to me, but that's not the part of her body that needs my immediate attention.

"Do you like that baby?" I ask sliding my fingers over her wetness and plunging them inside her.

"Yes."

With our eyes locked, I pull my fingers out and bring them up to my mouth. I close my eyes as I suck on them, tasting her for the first time. "You taste so good." Again I slip my fingers inside her, thrusting them in and out a few times before I stand and bring them to her lips.

"Taste how sweet you are." I offer her my fingers. Holding my hand, she slides her magical tongue up and down, licking every inch of them.

I don't think I've ever been this hard. Or this turned on. Every time I up my game, she falls into step right beside me. My cock is throbbing with need. Her body is covered with a thin sheen of sweat and mine is building one up, too. As much as I want to revel in her and prolong the experience, I need more. I need all of her. I lift Selene onto the edge of the counter.

"Yes, Cooper. Fuck me." It's a plea, and I'm not ready to put her out of her misery.

"No, baby. Not yet."

I push her legs apart and bring my mouth to the apex of her thighs. My tongue slips between her folds and circles around her clitoris. She's intoxicating. Why haven't I done this before?

She tries to pull back, away, but I don't let her. I keep my mouth where it is and kiss her with every ounce of passion I feel for her. I rub my fingers around her opening. She's moaning and squirming, I know she's close.

I let my fingers plunge inside her and pump them in and out, fast and hard. Her clit hardens even further beneath my tongue, her whole body stiffens. I know she's there. I don't let up. I move faster, harder, very gently taking her clit between my teeth as she cries out through her orgasm.

Once she calms, I get to my feet and pull her head against me. I hold her, and kiss her, hoping she can feel all the things I wish I could say. Who needs words and cliché phrases when we have this?

"You asked me once when we were having sex why I didn't want you to touch me. It's the same reason I've never done that before. I've had intimacy issues." I smoothe her hair. "Not with you. Not anymore. The way we made love in Italy. I don't ever not want to feel your hands all over me."

After a long silence of holding each other close, she finally speaks. "I don't trust you to stay."

I nod. "I wouldn't either. But you didn't trust me at all, and here we are. Still together."

"Are we?"

"Unless you've moved on." I hold my  breath.

Selene pushes out of my arms and rushes to put her clothes back on. A sick feeling gathers in the bottom of my stomach. She doesn't have to say it. There's someone else. Mat-fucking-teo. I want to die.

"Does he love you the way I do?"

She shakes her head. "No. And I don't love him."

My head is spinning. "Then why?" This can't be happening.

"He's offered up an arrangement."

"What fucking arrangement?" I'm wishing I did punch him in his smug face. That's why he left the way he did, he thought he had the upper hand.

"It's the same arrangement my parents have."

"You never mentioned this."

She shrugs. "It never came up, and it wasn't what I wanted. Not from you."

"Tell me." I order.

"We'll live together so we split the cost of daily living. It'll help us both, but we won't get married. That way I'll be eligible for food-stamps and free medical, but he'll help me with the baby. His name will go on the birth certificate. He'll be the father for all intents and purposes."

"You said I'm the father."

"And you said you didn't want it."

"Is he willing to offer you love and marriage?" Why am I asking? Okay, so I'm just starting to believe in love, but marriage? No way.

"Are you?"

"Answer the question."

"It doesn't matter. I don't feel that way about him."

Thank fucking goodness.

"And how do you feel about me?"

"Confused."

I nod and close in on her. Confused is better than nothing. I take her by the shoulders forcing her to look at me. "You didn't seem confused five minutes ago when you were cumming in my mouth."

She looks away. Oh no. I'm not letting her off the hook.

"You look me in the eye and tell me you're confused. That you're not sure how you feel about me. Better yet, you look me in the eye and tell me you feel more for Mateo than you do for me."

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because you're forgetting one thing. At some point in this partnership, he's going to want more."

"If things do progress there then they do. Besides it's not like either of us will need "more". We'll always have the option to be with whoever we want. It's an open relationship."

"Open?" I pinch the bridge of my nose trying to ward off the headache that's screaming for attention in the back of my head. "What does that mean?"

"It means discretely we see who ever we want. As long as it stays outside of the house. But for all the social purposes, we are a family and we are home with each other every night."

I run my hand through my hair. "No. Fucking. Way!" I explode. "That's the most fucked up load of garbage I've ever heard."

"Why are you so upset?"

"Everything you just said tells me you’re making rash emotional decisions, which isn't a good thing ever but especially not when your hormones are out of whack."

"There's nothing "rash" about it. And it's how I grew up. My father didn't want me either."

"Do you hear what you’re saying? This isn't what you want." My pulse is racing so fast I'm starting to feel light headed. She's not doing this. It's not up for discussion. "I'm not your father, and I thought you wanted better for your kid."

She shakes her head. "No. It isn't what I want. But I don't really have a choice. You don't want it, and you left me."

"I made a fucking mistake! I'm here to rectify it." I answer in a harsh tone. "But I'll tell you one thing for sure. That prick is not the one you're going to wake up to in the morning. He's not going to read my baby bed time stories. And he can't possibly love you as much as I do."

Her eyes well up with tears. Finally a chink in that stone armor of hers.

"I made a mistake." I say much calmer now that I see I'm getting through to her. "A terrible, horrible mistake. I said things out of anger." I brush my thumb across her cheek. "I acted like a world class dick. Please, Selene. Let me make this right."

Her bottom lip trembles as she struggles to hold her tears back. "How?"

"Like this." I pull Selene into my arms and kiss her. She doesn't put up any resistance. Good. After a few seconds she relaxes and kisses me back. I know I need to do more, offer her more than a physical relationship. That's why I'm here. Because without her, my life is bleak. Empty. I'm not willing to give her up. Even if that means I have to be a father. Even if it means my life is going in a direction I never wanted it to. "Come home with me."

"For tonight?"

"For forever."