Текст книги "Man Up Playboy "

Автор книги: Danielle Sibarium

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Chapter 24

I don't see Luna for three days. She doesn't show her face in school, which just encourages the whispers behind my back that much more. During that time I hear plenty of shit as I walk down the halls. I assume the gossip mill is going at full strength because she cheated on me so publicly. Losers have nothing better to talk about.

At first, I don't recognize the Goth girl standing across from my locker staring at me. She's dressed all in black, from head to toe, and she cut her hair. No, cut is too nice a word. She looks like she used a hatchet to chop it off. The length is gone, except for on the right side in the front. That piece is still long, and she's using it to hide behind. The rest of it is short, uneven, and I don't know, spiked?

My heart thuds and skitters as I look into the familiar violet/ blue eyes. They're cold, emotionless. What happened to her? I wonder if she's in as much pain as I am. I haven't slept since I found out she cheated. All I do is mope around at home and fight with my mother and sister.

Beneath her left eye something catches my attention. What the hell is on her face? The three blue teardrops stand out. Is that? No, she wouldn't tattoo her face, not permanently would she?

I can't believe this is the same girl I gave my heart to. The one that less than a week ago I'd stay up talking to all night long. The amazing girl I couldn't get enough of, that could make even the most boring literature assignment come to life with fun and laughter. The one I cherished and thought was my soulmate. This can't be the same girl whose body would meld into my embrace as we sat on her roof top making out and staring at the stars, the same girl who visited my dreams each night. But it is her.

We stand frozen, neither of us speaking.

I cross the hall and stand in front of her.

"What did you do?" I ask looking her up and down. Now that I'm standing closer, I see that her skin is pink and bruised around the teardrops.

"They're for you. So you know that I'll always regret what I did. I'll cry over you until the day I die."

A tiny part of me wants to take her in my arms and kiss the pain away, but the bitter taste of betrayal lingering in my mouth is too strong. I can't get past it.

"Stop with the bullshit."

Her eyes drop down. At first I think it's because of what I said to her, but as she brings her wrist into view, I realize she's trying to show me something. Fear seizes me. What can she want me to see on her wrist? If she tried to kill herself, I don't know what I'll do. This shouldn't be the first thought that pops into my head, but it is.

My eyes look down, and I see another tattoo. This one is a single word written in dark, black script. Cooper. My heart races. I want to throw up. I don't know what the hell I'm feeling right now, anger, sadness, regret.

"I did this to show them they can take what they want from my body, but my heart will always belong to you."

She wipes a tear, a real tear from her eye.

Why does this hurt so much? She made the decision to go to the party. She chose to cheat. I should hate her, so why is love still the strongest thing I feel for Luna?

*

Friday night Noah drags me to the batting cages with him. I'm not really up to being around people, but he's not asking a million questions about Luna. And the idea of smacking something as hard as I can with a baseball bat has appeal.

Since Luna showed up to school with the tattoos it's only made the gossip worse. Now everyone assumes I hurt her. They've decided that's why she was so upset at the party. I'm the reason she sought comfort in her ex's arms, because I chose someone else over her. I don't bother clarifying. These ass wipes just aren't worth my time or energy.

It's good to get out. I hate to admit it, but I'm feeling a little better, and I think I'm ready to talk to Luna. Really talk, see if we can somehow get past this. I don't know if it's possible, but I'm not ready to rule it out completely either, because as much as I don't want to be, I'm still crazy in love with her.

I walk in the house with a smile for the first time all week, only to be surprised by the hard slap of my mother's hand across my face. My skin stings not only from the contact to my cheek, but from her nails dragging across and scratching my skin.

My hand covers the spot she hit. "What the fuck was that for?"

"Don't you dare talk to me like that!" She slaps the back of my head. "I thought I raised you to be better than this."

I hold my arms up defending my face in case she decides to get another strike in.

"Mom, stop!" I shout, still clueless about what brought on this onslaught.

"I can't believe you'd knock that girl up and then break her heart."

"What!? I don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't play dumb with me. She was here. She told me everything."

"Who Luna?"

"Who else is there? How many girls are you having sex with?"

"No one. Just her. I mean it only happened once."

"Once is all it takes. I thought you knew better Cooper."

"I did. I mean I do. I mean how can she be pregnant?"

My mother doesn't answer me. She just looks at me like she doesn't believe a word I'm saying.

"How would she even know she's pregnant?"

"She brought the positive test."

My heart sinks. It doesn't matter what I say. My mother doesn't believe me, and any hope of a reconciliation with Luna is destroyed. I try to wrap my mind around what's going on. Luna's pregnant? And she's claiming it's mine? It can't be. It's only a week since we had sex, and I used a condom. It doesn't make sense. Why would she do this?

I already know the answer. It's Dex's. She must have known she was pregnant when we had sex, that a part of him was growing and multiplying inside her. Maybe that's the reason she had sex with me to begin with, so she can turn around and pin it on me. She doesn't love me, can't possibly if this is what she's doing. I drop into a chair in the kitchen and with my elbows on the table, I slump down and rest my head in my hands.

"I'm not surprised that you got her in trouble, you always were impulsive and irresponsible. But I thought you cared about her."

I shake my head. It doesn't matter what I say right now, I know my mother, she made up her mind. There's no way I can change it.

"I thought I raised you to be a better man than your father. Is this the legacy you want to leave behind? Love 'em and leave 'em?"

"Did she tell you how far along she is?"

"Eight weeks."

I nod, holding back the tears of fury burning the corners of my eyes.

"It's not mine. It can't be mine."

"It doesn't matter. I gave her money to take care of it."

"What?" I jump out of my seat. I understand now. That's what Luna was after, money.  And my mother handed it right over to her."

"How much did you give her?"

"A couple of hundred. And by the way I expect you to pay back every penny."

"How could you? Have you heard one word I said? She's probably not even pregnant, and if she is it's not mine, but you didn't even stop to ask me. You just gave her exactly what she came for."

"If you'd answer her calls, you could've handled this and kept me out of it."

"I didn't come to you. I didn't ask for your help. Next time, do me a favor, stay out of it!"

"You ungrateful shit. I have a better idea. Next time keep it in your pants." She smacks me across the head again.

*

I call Luna, but as I expected, she doesn't answer. I don't hang up. I wait and leave a message on her voicemail.

"You're a slut and a liar. You used me. I'm so dumb to think I meant something to you. I see it now, it was always about money. I can't believe I let you play me like this. I loved you. There isn't anything I wouldn't have done for you. But you know how I feel now? I hate you Luna. I fucking hate you!"

I don't bother saying anything else. It doesn't matter. She's probably laughing her ass off at me with Dex, I fucking hate them both. I pound my pillow, wishing it was Dex's head. Maybe I should go to his house and fuck him up. Frustrated I fling the pillow across the room to find a sealed envelope left underneath it.

I turn it over in my trembling hands. I have no doubt it's from Luna. I swallow down the lump in the back of my throat. The envelope taunts me. I don't want to open it, but I can't bring myself to tear it to pieces either. I put it in my sock drawer so I don't have to see it. The door to my room bursts open. My sister looks scared, nervous as her eyes dart from side to side in the hall before she comes in and quietly closes the door behind her.

"What, Alexis?" I snap.

"Are you okay?" She moves toward my bed tentatively and keeps her voice down. "Mom's been flipping out."

I close my eyes and rub my forehead. Why can't they just leave me alone to deal with this shit? I look at my sister nibbling her bottom lip, and I know she needs reassurance. "Sorry. She's pissed at me."

"I know. I just, I've never seen her so angry with you. I want to make sure you're okay."

I sigh, knowing I have to keep it together for my sister. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"I don't believe you," she says getting off the bed and stepping toward me. "I thought you might need a hug." She wraps her arms around me. "And, Cooper. If you think it will help, I'll do something bad so she lays off you."

"No, Alexis. Don't get yourself in trouble. I'll be fine, really." I flip her hair from behind her head over her face. "The hug really helped. But until things blow over, I want you to steer clear of her. Okay? I need some time, and I don't need to worry about you too, right now."

"Okay. If you want to talk, I'll be in my room."

"Thanks." I smile, and I feel a smidgeon better.

Once Alexis leaves, I hop onto my computer and shoot up brain-eating zombies online. I play the stupid game, killing everything in my path until three o'clock in the morning. My eyes are heavy and want to close. I climb into bed hoping to drift off into a dreamless sleep, but sleep eludes me. I lie here for hours, thinking of Luna and the letter in my drawer. What the hell could she have to say? And why leave a letter instead of returning my phone call?

At six A.M. I flip the lights on and pull the envelope out.

Dear Cooper,

I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me one day for everything I've done. I never wanted to hurt you. I really do love you, but sometimes life isn't fair. I'm sure you know that I'm pregnant. I just found out, and you have no idea how I wish the baby was yours. Maybe then we could work through everything and run off together. But as fate would have it, Dex is the father. I swear I didn't know.

I'm sure you're tired of hearing apologies from me. I'm sorry about that, too. But I promise this will be the last one.

I put the letter down. Not sure I can read anymore. She really is pregnant. Thinking that every time I kissed her or touched her a part of him was there between us, seems to nullify every beautiful moment between us. I want to scream. Now more than ever I want to shred the letter, but I can't. I need to see what more she has to say.

He raped me Cooper. He came into my room while I was sleeping, covered my mouth so I couldn't scream, and raped me. Of course he said it was my punishment for staying out all night and worrying him, but I've know it was just a matter of time. I knew when I'd wake in the middle of the night and find him standing in the doorway staring at me that things would escalate.

I wish I told you. I thought you'd force me to tell someone, and the thing is, he always talked about what a slut I am and how loose I am with my body, even though I've only had sex with you and Dex. And now him. I didn't think anyone would believe me. Everyone thinks he's this great guy for taking me and my mother in. No one knows what an ugly piece of shit he really is. God, I want to die.

Tears stream down my face. I'm going to fucking kill that mother fucker. He hurt her.  And it's my fault. My body shakes as I feel a rage unlike anything I've ever felt shoot through my veins. Even though I was mad, I knew what was going on. She told me what he did to her in the shower. Instead of listening or trying to help, I sent her away. Alone. I let my hurt feelings get in the way of doing what's right. I pick up the letter and read some more.

I can't live like this, worrying about what he's going to do to me next. Already it's happened three times. And each time he gets more violent. He's gagged me and tied me up so I can't fight him. I told my mother. When she confronted him, he beat her senseless, and he threatened to do the same to me if I ever told anyone else. I'm so scared. I thought she was going to die and he wouldn't let me call an ambulance. I can't knowingly bring a baby into a life like this. Not when I know what the evil that lurks in the shadows looks like.

I'm broken. Fucking destroyed.

I know Dex's dealer. I'm taking the money your mother gave me and going to see him.

I'm a chicken, Cooper. I’m too scared to do this any other way. I don't want to feel pain when it happens. Just sleep. They'll all think it was an accident. Only you'll know the truth. You're the only one I can trust. The only one that really loves me. I hope someday you'll believe I love you, too.

For now, just know I'm happy meeting my maker knowing I'm your first love, your only love. At least there is one thing in my life I did right.

I hope we'll meet again someday.

I'll love you always.

Luna

 

I can't swallow. I can't breathe. I need to find her, stop her. Fuck my pride. She needs me. Guilt floods my mind and seeps into my heart. I turned her away. I fucking turned her away and now she's going to kill herself. I leap up and throw some clothes on.

This is my fault. I call her again, and again I get her voicemail. I beg Luna to call me. Without saying a word to my mother or sister, I sneak out and run all the way to her house. I stop fifty feet away staring at the two cop cars in her driveway.

My heart slams hard against my chest and the world is growing black around me. I drop to my knees, gasping for air. Either she succeeded and they're here to inform the family, or she's in serious condition in the hospital.

Either way I failed her. Me. I shut her out when she needed me most. I couldn't even bother reading the letter when I first saw it. Then maybe I would've had a chance to save her life. I don't bother going any further. No one is going to give me any information. I need to wait it out. But in my heart, I feel the void. In my heart, I know Luna is gone.

Chapter 25

"Son," My father clears his throat, "Why didn't you call me? I would've been there to help you through this. You needed support and guidance. This isn't something a teenage boy is equipped to deal with."

"How? What do you think you could've done? It's on me. No matter how you twist or turn it, it's my fault."

"No. It's not." He squeezes my shoulder. "You were just a boy. She shouldn't have put that on you. Please tell me your mother changed her tune when you showed her the letter."

I shake my head. "No one ever saw it. No one, except Luna's mother and the police. I handed it over to them so they could make Les pay for what he did, but he took off. Her mother thanked me, and then she was gone, too. Moved out of the state last I heard.

Everyone else, they all blamed me. I heard it all through school. They decided I got her pregnant and dumped her. No one ever suspected she killed herself. They assumed she was looking for an escape to deal with the pain I put her in. I never bothered to clear the record. I didn't want to mar her memory. Only Noah stood by me. He's the only one that took my side."

"Oh, Cooper."

"I don't need you're fucking pity."

He shakes his head. It's not pity. But you can't blame yourself. And if she was here, she'd want you to be happy."

"No she wouldn't. She wouldn't want me to love anyone but her."

"Son, she understood pain, and if she loved you as much as she said, she'd never want to see you in this kind of pain. She'd want you to be happy with Selene."

He doesn't know what he's talking about. "I just need to know I'm not responsible for the death of another girl I love."

"You love her then?"

I know for sure, without a doubt. I've known all along and wonder why I ever doubted it. "Yes. I love Selene."

*

It takes forever from the time we touch down until they open the door and I can escape.

"I'm driving," Noah insists.

"I want to get there today."

"Very funny." He slaps the back of my head.

"Seriously, Noah, I need to get to her. Now."

I toss Lexi my car keys. She, my father and Stephan will wait for the luggage and meet us at the hospital. I don't know how long it takes for us to get there. I think I've aged years on the drive over. Once the car is parked, I rush from the parking garage to the information desk, with Noah close behind.

Selene is up in the maternity ward. Her condition is stable. That's all I know. The old woman manning the desk won't give me any details. She won't tell me anything about the baby, I'm left in the dark. And worst of all, she won't let me up.

"Visiting hours start in an hour and a half."

"But I'm the father." That has to pull some weight.

"I'm sorry, sir. Fathers are given wrist bands so they can come and go as they please and we can easily identify them.

"I was out of town, and she delivered early." I'm leaning in over the desk, and the old bat looks nervous. She should be, I'm about to jump over the desk, push her out of the way and look Selene up myself.

"Maybe if you call the nurse's station on the maternity ward?" Noah says slipping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me back. "We rushed here from a wedding ceremony in California, and he's been worried sick. You can see, we're still dressed in our tuxedos."

"Oh." The woman says as if a lightbulb just lit her whole fucking brain. "Well congratulations. Marriage is a big step."

Congratulations. Shit. The uncomfortable look on her face, tells me she thinks Noah and I got married. I give my friend who still has his arm slung over my shoulder a sideward glance. Well played.

"I didn't realize. Okay, let me call ahead and inform them that you're coming. Unfortunately I'll only be able to let one of you up," she says focusing on Noah. "Oh, and Sir," she turns back to me. "If you're lying you won't be allowed back."

"Understood."

Chapter 26

I don't know if the old crab called up and they're expecting me, or if they're a lot less lax about the rules up here because Old Battle Axe keeps the people out, but no one stops me except to wish me good morning or say hello. I pass the nursery on my way to her room. I want to stop and look in, but I can't. Right now my focus is on Selene. I don't know what kind of shape she's in. I need to deal with her first, then I can get the details about my child.

My child.

Warmth spreads through my chest. It's the first time I thought of it as a child, instead of something alien and vile. My baby. How could I ever have thought of it as anything but?

The door to Selene's room is open. My heart stops as I stand just outside and take it all in. She looks peaceful lying with her eyes closed in the bed. It's the leads and wires running from her to various machines and monitors that steal my breath. When I heard she was stable, I thought that meant she was fine and didn't need these things. I didn't expect the IV, the blood pressure cuff monitoring her regularly, or the nasal cannula. My eyes start to water. I squeeze them tight, trying to fight my emotions and keep them under control.

"She had a rough night." I turn to the voice beside me.

"Is she . . ." I try to swallow down my fear. "Is she okay?"

"Go on in," the nurse says walking away without answering my question.

I pull a chair right up to the side of the bed and reach for the hand resting beside her. It's warm. Warm is good. I breathe a little easier. I trail my fingers over hers, careful to avoid the needle sticking out of the area just above it.

"You might not believe this," I say staring at her, willing her to open her eyes. "But even now, you're the most beautiful woman in the world. I've missed you so much, baby."

Tears start to fall. I let them. Something happened on the plane when I told my father about Luna. I feel like I've been ripped open and shred to pieces. All the love I've been trying to deny, trying to fight, rose to the surface like a torrential flood. I love Luna. Still. Even though she tore me apart inside. I'll always feel guilty for turning my back and failing her. But that's doesn't even touch the surface of how I feel for Selene. She's my world, my universe. I'll walk through fire to save her, because nothing exists for me without her. And I will not fail her ever again.

"I don't know if you figured it out yet or not, but I'm not good with words. People tend to think I am because I ramble on so much, but it's just a facade. See, I'm nervous because I don't know what to say, so I compensate by using a fancy word."

No response.

"I'm sorry doesn't come close to how I feel or what I want to say. And the truth is I'm so tired of apologizing to you. Not that I haven't owed you every apology, but I don't want to fuck up and have to apologize anymore." I shake my head, hoping she can't hear me, because I sound like the same selfish asshole I've been since I met her. "What I mean is I don't want to mess up anymore. I want to be better. I want to be worthy of your love."

Her fingers curl around my hand, but her eyes are still closed. She hears me. She knows I'm here and she's responding to me. I jump up and move closer to the bed. I half sit on the bed, bring her hand up to my lips and kiss it gently, while stroking the side of her face with the other hand.

"I hit rock bottom last night. In every possible way. The worst part was thinking I lost you, and waiting to get to you felt like a slow death. I realized my life doesn't mean anything if you’re not in it. You're what makes my world beautiful. You're the smell of fresh cut grass, and watermelon in the summer. You're the delicious bubbles in champagne and the color in a rainbow. Selene, you are everything. Everything I want. Everything I need. And right now, what I need more than anything is for you to open your eyes and forgive me one last time."

The nurse I met outside her door a few minutes ago pushes something into the room. It's like a small dresser, with a clear tub on top of it. My pulse sprints when I look at the tiny bundle wrapped in a pink and blue teddy bear blanket being transported.

My mouth is dry. I can't speak, and the tears I thought I got under control bombard me. It's the baby. Our baby. I want to reach out for it, but I'm afraid. I've never held one, and I don't want to do it wrong.

"Time to wake up, Selene," the nurse says opening the blanket the tiny bundle is wrapped in and changing the diaper. "Your son is looking to eat."

"Son? We have a son?" I look from the nurse to Selene and back.

"Oww, Cooper, you're squeezing so tight, you're hurting me," Selene pulls her hand out of my grasp as her blue eyes flicker open.

I don't care, I'm so happy to see those crystal blue orbs, nothing else matters.

"We have a son?"

"Yes. We have a son," Selene answers.

"May I see him?" I ask the nurse. "Please?"

"Of course." She carries him around to me on the other side of the bed.

He's so tiny, and perfect. His miniature hand is fisted and rubbing against his gums, and a frantic cry is coming out of his little mouth. I'm in awe that I had any part in the creation of this perfect little being.

"Would you like to hold him?"

Again I look to both women, making sure they're okay with it.

"Go wash your hands," the nurse nudges her head toward a sink behind me.

Once I'm clean, I stand next to the nurse and listen attentively as she transfers the baby to my arms.

"The most important thing is to keep his head supported."

I nod as I look down into the clear blue eyes of my son. "He's so beautiful. Hey little guy. I'm your daddy." I say looking down into his tiny face. "He's so tiny. Is that okay?"

"He's a little on the small side, but nothing to worry about," the nurse answers.

"He's early though. Is he fully developed?"

She smiles at me, and I can't help feeling like she's calling me an idiot in her head. It's okay, lady. I am an idiot. I should've been better prepared, but I'm trying to make up for that now"

"He's only a few weeks early. He's not a premie, and he's doing fine. Now, he does need to eat." She lifts my son from my arms, and I feel like a piece of me is gone.

I stand back and watch as the nurse and Selene open one side of the hospital gown and work to get the baby latched on to his mother. Lucky kid.

The nurse leaves to go get me a wrist band. It gives us time to spend together and bond with our child.

Our child.

I think if I opened the window and jumped off the ledge I'd soar like an eagle. The thoughts of a baby, and family used to bring with them the feeling of a noose tightening around my neck. Right now those same thoughts are the only things that make sense in my life. This is absolutely what I want and where I want to be.

"Are you comfortable? Can I get you anything?" I ask feeling useless.

Selene shakes her head. "I'm surprised you're here."

"Where else would I be?"

She cocks her eyebrow up, and I know I have it coming. I don't care. I want to hash it all out here and now so we can move on, move forward.

"Honestly, anywhere but here."

I stroke her hair, "I'm sorry I haven't been around."

"You're talking about the last three weeks, what about the six months before that?"

"Maybe I needed that time to grow up."

"It's not just me anymore. I have him to think of. If I make the wrong choice it could hurt him for the rest of his life. And then he might end up like you."

Ouch.

I cup her cheek. "I can't be that bad. You did fall in love with me."

"Yeah, I'm an idiot."

I laugh and kiss the top of her head. "No. You're one of the smartest women I know. And I'm betting somehow, you still love me. And Selene, you might not believe it, but even from the beginning, from the first night I brought you home I wanted to be better for you. I just didn't know how."

"And now you do?"

"Now I am better, because of you. Because of him. I don't have a choice. I don't want a life without you both in it. That longing, that love, they make the fear I let control me insignificant."

"This is your last chance at freedom. That's what you really want. To come and go as you please, with whomever you feel like being with at the moment."

"No. It's what I thought I wanted. But the problem is, it never made me happy. I felt happiness I never did with you. Why don't you ask the question that's really on your mind."

"Fine. How many girls were you with out there before you realized you want me?"

"None."

She blinks but doesn't say anything.

"As in not a single one. I tried to call you, but you wouldn't take my calls."

"I couldn't." Her eyes tear.

"It's okay." I swipe her tears away with my thumbs. "I buried myself in work with my father and Stephan. I had the opportunity to see who my father really is. And you know what I found? He's everything I remember him being as a kid. He let me talk, or mope. He gave me room to think and he was there when I needed him. Maybe I needed to be reminded of what it means to be a father, because I didn't think I had it in me."

"You're making my head hurt."

I smile at her. "Look, I know I'm still going to make mistakes, but at least I have my father to go to for advice. And I have you to help me muddle through being a parent. And after being faced with losing you both, it doesn't scare me anymore. The thing I find terrifying right now is the thought that I might have come to my senses too late. That's one mistake I can't live with. Please, tell me it's not too late."

"I need time to think."

"I understand. Just as long as you're not kicking me away and running to Mateo while you sort it all out."

"You were right about him wanting more from me." My chest tightens. I clamp my mouth shut as I listen to her. "He got mad that I didn't want his name on the birth certificate. I couldn’t. Not without your consent."

"Yeah, well that's never going to happen."

"Cooper, there's something else I need to know."

"What's that?"

"You're standing here declaring your love for me, meanwhile you have a tattoo on your shoulder for some other woman. You have nightmares about her and call her name out in your sleep, but you refuse to tell me anything about her. I need to understand what happened with Luna."

I hang my head. I've done this once today, I'm hoping this time it won't be as hard. "I'm sorry I was such a jerk about her before. It just hurt so much to even think about her. And I was afraid if you knew, you'd hate me. Because when I think of her, I hate me."

"Are you willing to talk about her now?"

"I'm willing to do whatever it takes because the thought of losing you hurts more." I look away and take a deep breath before I start on Luna. "She was my first love. My first everything really. She was in danger and she needed my help. I found out she cheated on me.”

“She got pregnant and claimed it was yours?”

I run my hand through my hair, stalling. “Yeah. It was her ex’s. But it didn’t matter. By that time I turned my back on her and she’d been raped by her stepfather. In the end she killed herself."

"Aww, Cooper. I’m so sorry."

I hold my hand up to stop her. I don't need her pity. I need to own up to how I let my past with Luna sabotage my future with Selene.

"I've lived with that guilt for a lot of years. I still hate myself for not doing anything to help her. But I realize now, I couldn't save her. Her life was far too screwed up long before I ever came into it. But I couldn't see that before. The deeper and harder I fell for you, the guiltier I felt about what happened to Luna. I couldn't separate my feelings for you from my guilt over her. They'd mix and mingle, and I was terrified I'd end up losing you too, and I couldn't live with that."

She reaches over and squeezes my hand.

"I'm not going anywhere."