Текст книги "Back To Back"

Автор книги: Chelsea M. Cameron

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Текущая страница: 9 (всего у книги 16 страниц)

 

Sixteen

 

I’ve never experienced so much airport rage in my life. I’m about ready to murder everyone who takes too long in the security line, everyone who tries to cut me to get on the flight and everyone who takes too long to put their enormous suitcases in the overhead. I bit the bullet and got a first class ticket purely for the reason I’ll be off the plane first.

I check in with Cash one last time before the flight attendant tells us to turn off the cell service on our phones. Sylas is still the same.

It would just figure that I’d get on this flight, get there and he’d be back to normal and I would have come for nothing.

No, not nothing. I should have gone in the first place. I knew it. He’s not ready for this.

I spend the entire flight pretending to sleep so no one will try to talk to me.

It feels like it takes a million years to get there. I probably should have tried to sleep for real, but I’m too wired up. When we finally touch down, I want to cry tears of relief. The minute the door opens, I’m ready to go, and I even push past a few people to get off. I’m sure they think I’m a bitch, but I don’t give a fuck what. I race as fast as I can outside and wave for a cab. It’s so late I don’t have to fight anyone for it.

I tell the guy the name of the hotel and tell him to hurry as fast as he can. He assures me he will and I say that if he does, there’s a very generous tip in it for him. He nods and I’m grateful the traffic isn’t near what it could be during the day.

When we reach the hotel, I throw a wad of cash at the driver and I’m out the door. I call Cash.

“I’m here. What room?” He gives me the number and I bust through the lobby and search for the nearest elevator. There’s one person manning the front desk and a maintenance worker with a vacuum. I find the elevators and soon I’m on the floor. The closer I get to the room, the more my heart pounds.

I knock and the door flies open. I throw my bag at Cash and rush in to find Sylas sitting on the floor near the window, his knees pulled up and his face staring straight ahead. I crouch down and look into his eyes.

“He’s been like this for hours. I’ve literally tried everything.” Sylas’ hair is wet and I wonder if Cash dumped water on him.

“Sylas? Sylas, can you hear me?” No reaction. He barely even blinks and his breathing is shallow. I’ve never seen him look so empty. So… gone. He’s gone. Deep inside his head, to a safer place none of us can reach. I stroke the sides of his face.

“Come back to us. You’re going to be okay. It’s all going to be okay. We’re going to get you out of here and go home and everything is going to be okay.” I keep my voice even and soothing. Cash sits on the end of one of the twin beds and watches me.

I lock my eyes with Sylas, searching and looking for a way in. For a flicker that he’s coming back.

I slow my breathing and scoot a little bit closer. Carefully, I press my lips to his. Nothing.

“Come on, Sylas. I need you. Lizzy needs you. We love you and we’re here for you. You don’t have to do this alone. I love you so much. We can get through this together.” I keep skin contact with his face and don’t look away from him.

There it is. One shaky breath and then I see his hands clench and unclench.

“There you are. It’s okay. Come back, Sylas.” His fingers twitch and he blinks more rapidly. He inhales with a gasp, as if he’s coming up for air after being underwater.

“Cash, can you get me some water?” I say, taking my hands from Sylas’ face and rubbing his hands. They’re cold.

A glass of water appears in my peripheral vision and I take it and put Sylas’ hands around it. He looks down at it as if he’s never seen a glass of water before.

Slowly, I help him raise the glass to his lips and he takes a sip. Some dribbles out of his mouth and onto his shirt, but then he gets the hang of it. He finishes the glass and I take it away and ask Cash to refill it.

“Sylas? Can you say something?”

“Why are you here?” he rasps, each word sounding like it hurts to say. Each one is a knife in his throat.

“Why wouldn’t I be here?” I say. “How are you feeling?”

“I don’t… know,” he says. He’s still coming out of it. I’m still massaging his hands. He’s not so stiff anymore and I wonder if we can try to get him on his feet.

“Do you think you can stand?” I ask.

“N-no,” he says. “No.”

“Okay, that’s fine. We’ll just hang out here on the floor. Do you want to tell me what happened?”

His face screws up and then he starts sobbing. It’s a dry, wracking sound and he falls forward into my arms.

“I can’t, I can’t, I can’t,” he says over and over. I hear a door shut and I wonder if Cash left us alone together to give us some privacy. I’m sure Sylas wouldn’t want anyone to see him like this.

I hold him as he curls into my lap like a child. I keep rubbing his back and talking to him and telling him it’s going to be okay. That we’re going to go home and everything will be fine. I don’t talk about his father. I don’t want to throw him back into whatever state he just came out of.

One thing is for sure. He needs help. Professional help. A therapist or something. His anxiety is getting the best of him and I can’t watch as it controls his life anymore. It’s not healthy and it’s not safe. He never recovered from losing his mother, never grieved. Instead the pain has built up inside him, seeping into his veins and putrefying. It’s a black ugly thing and it’s got teeth. It’s not going to let him go unless he makes it.

“I can’t, I can’t, I can’t,” he chokes out, his body shaking so violently it’s hard to hold onto him. At last he wears himself out and then he’s still. I’m afraid he’s going to go catatonic on me again, so I turn his head and force him to look up at me.

“Sylas. You stay with me. Don’t go anywhere.”

“I can’t,” he says.

“I know. But it’s okay. It’s okay if you can’t.” I know what he’s saying “I can’t” to. He can’t kill his father. I’ll have to find out what happened from Cash, since I don’t think I’m going to get it out of Sylas right now.

“I love you,” I say. “I love you so much.” My broken, strong, infuriating, fascinating Sylas. He’s it for me. I know that, beyond the shadow of a doubt. Even if I don’t trust him. Even if I never trust him. This is it.

His eyes close and soon his breathing is even and slow. He’s fallen asleep. I don’t want to move him, so I get my phone and send Cash a text letting him know he can come back in.

The door opens quietly and he speaks in a whisper.

“How is he?”

“He’s asleep,” I say. “I’m afraid my legs are going to fall asleep, so do you think you could help me move him to the bed?” He nods and together we slowly get Sylas onto one of the twin beds. He’s so exhausted he doesn’t wake and I cover him with the blanket before stretching my back. My spine cracks loudly and I wince.

“Thank you for coming,” Cash says. This is the Cash I know. Serious and reserved. In control.

“What else were you going to do?” I say. I blink and it’s hard for me to open my eyes again.

“Are you okay? You’re weaving on your feet.” I have no idea what he’s talking about, but when I look down, I see that I’m weaving like a drunk.

“Tired,” I say. My body is starting to shut down from lack of sleep and too much emotional upheaval.

“Whoa,” he says and catches me as I lean over too far. “Let’s get you to bed too.” Before I know what’s happening, I’m horizontal on the other twin bed.

“Get some sleep and I’ll watch him. I’ll wake you if anything happens, okay? He’s fine now. You can rest.” I start to say something, but the words come out as mush and then my body takes over and hits the off switch.

When my eyes open, I panic for a moment. I’m in a hotel room. Why am I in a hotel room? I blink a few more times and wonder if I’m still dreaming. And then the night’s events crash down on me and I’m stumbling to my feet.

“Sylas?” I lurch toward the other bed, but he’s still asleep.

“He hasn’t moved,” a voice says from the corner of the room. I whirl around to find Cash reclined in the only chair in the room, his feet propped up on an ottoman. I sit back down on the bed and rub my eyes.

I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. My mouth is fuzzy and foul and my eyes feel like they have grains of sand in them. Every muscle is screaming in protest as I move.

Turning my head, I check out the clock. It’s six in the morning. So much for getting back in time to go to class. That’s definitely not happening. I’ll have to get on my phone to email my professors. I run my hands through my hair and the curls are all tangled together in knots.

“I’ll be right back,” I say and shuffle my way to the bathroom. It’s a struggle to stand up from the toilet once I’ve used it, but I get there eventually. I wash my hands and try to avoid my face in the mirror, but it’s impossible.

I look like I’ve been through hell and back. I guess I have.

When I come back out, Cash is on the hotel phone. He says something else and then hangs up.

“Room service,” he says. As soon as he mentions food, my hunger appears with a vengeance.

“Thanks,” I say, going to grab my bag and pull out the brush I hope I stashed in there. Yes. I did pack it. I start running it through my tangled hair and wince as it hits snags.

“I’m sorry you had to drop everything and come down here,” he says. I turn and face him, still battling with the brush.

“I know. I understand why you called.” I look at Sylas, but he’s still knocked out. “He needs help. Not the kind we can give him.” I meet Cash’s eyes and he nods slowly.

“I know. I didn’t think it was this bad.” Huh. Guess he hasn’t seen Sylas in this state before.

“He’s had a few episodes that I know of. Especially when he gets too much information at once. Or when it brings up the past.” Cash gets up and paces the room.

“I wish I knew before we came. I wouldn’t have brought him.” I know Cash cares about Sylas like a brother.

“It’s not your fault. Do you mind telling me what exactly happened before the episode?” He sits back down and rubs his face with both hands. He’s just as exhausted as I am.

“We found Andrew at a shitty hotel just outside Dallas. The goal was to lure him somewhere more secluded and take care of it. We were just doing surveillance and then Andrew came out of his room. The minute Sylas saw him, he… I don’t know. He panicked. He started screaming and thrashing around and I had to drive away so his father didn’t see us and know that we were coming for him. Thinking back, it wasn’t the best plan.” They should have brought more backup.

“I got him back here and then he stopped screaming long enough for me to shove him through the lobby and up into the room. He sat down in the corner and didn’t move. I tried talking to him, slapping him, dumping water on him, everything. He was just… gone.”

I sigh.

“I know. It’s like he gets locked in his head and he can’t find his way out,” I say and Sylas finally moves. He’s been so still I want to check his breathing. His eyelids flutter and then open.

“What?” he says. I was confused when I woke up, but that’s probably nothing compared to how he feels now.

“Welcome back,” I say, going over to the other side of my bed so he can look at me.

“Where am I?” he says. His voice is so scratchy. I’m about to ask Cash to get him something to drink, but he’s already on it. Sylas lifts his head and sits up like every bone in his body aches. Cash hands him the water, but his hands can’t hold it. I grab it from Cash and hold it to Sylas’ lips. He downs it, coughs and then asks for some more.

There’s a knock at the door that must be the room service, so Cash goes to get it and wheel the cart in. He’s gotten some of everything. French toast and fruit and yogurt and coffee and muffins and eggs and bacon. It’s enough food for about ten people and they’ve sent place settings for six. It reminds me of the night when Sylas and I ordered room service for dessert and the same thing happened. What a long time ago that was. Lifetimes.

“Hungry?” Cash asks Sylas.

“I don’t know,” he says, sliding to the end of the bed and putting his feet over so he’s sitting up. His hair is messed up in the back from where he was sleeping on it. I want to get up and smooth it down, but I think he needs his space right now.

Cash makes a plate for Sylas and gives it to him. He’s still too weak to hold it, so Cash moves the tray so Sylas can use it as a table. It’s not until he’s eating that I get up and make myself a plate. The food is so good I nearly moan. I feel like I haven’t eaten in years.

Cash is last to get his food and then the sound of cutlery on china and the sound of chewing fill the room.

I inhale two fried eggs, four strips of bacon, two pieces of toast and two glasses of orange juice before I start feeling more normal. Sylas eats slowly, with tiny methodical bites. I chase my breakfast with two cups of coffee and that helps wake me up a little and makes me feel more human. It’s amazing what the human body can do on only a few hours of sleep.

“I’m sorry,” Sylas says when he’s cleaned his plate. Cash goes back for seconds. I think Sylas should eat more, but I’m not going to push him if he doesn’t want to.

I’m not sure what, specifically, he’s sorry for.

“It’s okay,” I say, wiping my mouth with my napkin. “We don’t have to talk about it right now, but when we get home, we need to.”

He lays back on the bed and stares at the ceiling, his hands behind his head.

“I know,” he says. I expected him to put up more resistance. “This was a bad idea. You were so right, Saige. I’m sorry for fucking this up so badly.” Cash clears his throat, clearly uncomfortable.

“I don’t care if you hear this, Cash. I need to apologize to you, too.” Cash finishes his second plate of food and refills his coffee.

“It’s over now,” I say. “We can go home and figure things out from here.”

Sylas opens his mouth to say something, but then just nods.

“We should get going,” Cash says. God, the last thing I want to do is get on another plane.

I expect Sylas to say no. That he wants to stay and give it another go. But he’s silent as Cash starts packing their things up.

“Sylas?” I ask. He doesn’t answer. I try again. “Sylas, are you still with us?” I’m afraid he’s going to go away again.

“I’m here,” he says in a soft voice.

“Are you okay with leaving?”

“Sure,” he says, which isn’t exactly an answer, but it’s probably as good as we’re going to get.

I head for the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. I also change my clothes and when I come out Sylas and Cash are also in different clothes. Cash uses the bathroom and then Sylas has his turn. I hang out near the door, just in case. Not that I think he’s going to do anything, but he’s in such a fragile state, I don’t want to take any risks.

We check out of the hotel at seven and then we’re on our way to the airport. The first flight out is at ten, so we have some time to kill at the airport. I wish we could just hop on a plane and be gone, but that’s just not going to happen.

Cash decides to go on a coffee run since we could all still use it. I’m left alone with Sylas. He’s been quiet since we left the hotel and I can’t get a read on him.

“I’m worried about you,” I say as a few more people sit down at the gate to wait for our flight. I try not to envy their lives, but I do.

“I know,” Sylas says, but that’s it.

I can’t seem to get a conversation going with him, so I stop trying. I get on my phone and start scrolling through social media just to pass the time. Cash comes back with coffee and scones for all and I stuff my face again. Sylas just stares at his and sips his coffee carefully.

Messing around on my phone gets boring after a few minutes, so I start talking to Cash. Not about anything in particular, just casual stuff. Nothing that could trigger Sylas. It helps us pass the time until we can finally get on the flight. We have two seats together and then one across the aisle.

“Sit with me?” I ask Sylas, even though Cash’s seat is next to mine.

“Sure,” he says and I ask Cash if it’s okay. He’s fine with it, especially when a cute blonde is in the seat next to him. Before the flight is even full, he’s got her laughing. He works fast.

Sylas is staring straight ahead and I have to touch his arm when the flight attendant asks him if he wants anything to drink. He says no and I briefly consider ordering alcohol, but it’s still so early. I get a Coke instead.

“Are you sure you don’t want anything?” I’m struggling to reach him, even though he’s sitting right next to me and our arms are touching on the armrest.

“I’m fine,” he says, but he’s anything but. He’s so far from fine. I take a risk and intertwine my fingers with his. He lets me and I hope that’s progress.

“You’re missing class,” he says as the flight attendant does the little safety presentation no one pays attention to.

“It’s okay. I emailed them and said I had a family emergency. It’s not a complete lie. You’re my family. And I’ve barely ever missed before, so I can get away with it.” That’s the truth. It’s one of the upsides of being a good student. When you need to get away with something, it’s a hell of a lot easier.

“Oh,” he says. “You didn’t need to come down, though.”

“It’s okay. Stop saying that. I don’t regret it and I’m glad I was here.” He makes a frustrated sound as we start to taxi from the gate.

“Are you mad at me for coming?”

“No, no.” I’m not convinced.

“What was I supposed to do?” I’m trying to keep my voice low so no one can overhear us, but it’s not easy. Cash is busy with the blonde and it’s just Sylas and me. I glance around and find that everyone is occupied with their phones or magazines and isn’t paying attention to us. Good.

“You were so angry when I left. I didn’t think I was ever going to see you again.” What is he talking about? Sure, I was angry with him, but that didn’t mean I was going to cut him out of my life. And in the end, he did need me.

“Let’s not talk about this right now. We can talk when we get home. You must still be tired. Go to sleep and we’ll deal with it later.” He squeezes my hand and gives me a look before closing his eyes and leaning his head back. Moments later, his breath is slow and even and I can tell he’s asleep.

I keep our fingers wrapped around each other and try to join him in sleep.

 

Seventeen

 

I do end up getting a few moments of sleep until I’m jostled awake by the plane touching down. Sylas is out cold again and doesn’t wake until I shake his shoulder. His eyes fly open and he freaks out for a minute.

“We landed,” I say and he starts to calm down. I don’t know what he was dreaming of, but it wasn’t something good.

Things are a little weird as we get off the plane and exit the airport.

“Did you drive here, or…” I say. My car is parked in the garage, so I can drive us all if need be.

“No, we took a cab,” Cash says. I tell him I have my car, so we head to the parking garage. Sylas walks robotically with us. Cash automatically gets in the backseat so Sylas can sit next to me in the front.

“Do you want me to drop you off at your place?” I ask Cash as I get back on the highway and head toward the city.

“Sure.” He gives me the address and I punch it into my phone so the GPS can take me there. Even though I don’t need it. I already know where he lives, but I don’t say that.

I can’t handle the silence, so I turn on the radio. Of course, like it was waiting for me, “Take Me to Church” is the first song that comes on. I look for a reaction from Sylas out of the corner of my eye, but he’s staring out the window.

I sigh and just keep driving.

Cash gives me a hug when I drop him off. I get out of the car so I can talk with him for a moment without Sylas overhearing.

“He’s not in a good place right now. Just make sure you watch him. I don’t think he’s going to do anything, but just watch him.” I plan to.

“I will. And I’ll call you if I need you.”

“Good. Good.” He gives me another hug and I see a glimmer of his cheerful self come back.

“Turn that frown upside down,” I say, tapping him on the nose before I get back in the car. I hear him chuckle as I close the door and buckle my seatbelt.

Sylas is still not talking by the time we get back to my place, go up the stairs and through the door. I drop my bag and he drops his. Leo runs out and is losing his mind with meowing for Sylas to pick him up.

“Hey, little beast,” Sylas says, picking the cat up and rubbing his belly. Thank God. Sylas walks to the couch and sits down with Leo. At last, something he’s interacting with. Sylas is talking softly to Leo, who is eating up the attention. Figuring they’re okay, I hit the bathroom and then the kitchen. That massive breakfast was many hours ago, and the two cookies I ate on the plane were hardly sustenance.

I grab a smorgasbord of stuff that doesn’t require preparation and make up a huge plate. I also grab two glasses of water.

“Hungry?” I ask. He’s still playing with Leo.

“Not really,” he says, but I set the plate down and take a seat on the couch next to him, not crowding him.

“Sylas,” I say and he glances up at me.

“Yes?” He tenses up because he knows what’s coming.

“We need to talk about it.” He licks his lips and just keeps petting Leo.

“I know,” he says, so quietly that if I hadn’t seen his lips move, I might have imagined it.

“We don’t have to go through all of it, but you need to at least tell me what happened with you when you had your episode. You, really, really scared me.” I told him I’d be completely honest, and I’m going to stick to that. It’s becoming easier. Not as easy as lying used to be, but I’m getting there.

“I know. I’m so sorry. I… I know I can’t do this anymore.”

“Do what, Sylas?”

“Everything.” I wait for him to elaborate and it takes a while. Slowly at first, and then his voice gets stronger.

“When I saw him, it was like I was back in that day. In the house. When I found her body on the floor. Her hair was so bright and the blood had stained it. I remember wanting to wash the blood out of her hair.” A chill starts at the top of my spine and creeps all the way down. Listening to Sylas isn’t going to be easy, but he needs to tell someone and I want that someone to be me.

He’s staring at a spot above my shoulder as he continues.

“Her eyes were so… empty. She wasn’t there anymore. She was gone. That was the hardest part. Knowing she was gone and never coming back. I was just so glad it was me who found her and not Lizzy. I never would have been able to live with myself if it had been her.” The very idea of sweet Lizzy seeing that makes me want to vomit.

“And then there was the fire and I was only able to save a few things. Some pictures and, for some reason, our coffee table.” The coffee table? I remember seeing the one in his apartment that looked like it had been burned. Oh.

“When I saw him, all I could remember was that day and I just… I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I was far away, floating and watching my body in the car. I can’t describe it any way other than that. I’ve never felt that way before. I was so scared, but I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t move, couldn’t talk, couldn’t get myself out of it. I could hear you and Cash and I tried, but my body wouldn’t let me.

“I couldn’t even think about killing him. I had the gun with the silencer all ready. I was going to take him out and drive away and never give him another thought. Killing him was supposed to get him out of my head.” It’s not that simple. If it were, then there would be a lot more vigilante justice in the world.

He shakes his head back and forth, like he’s trying to shake his thoughts out. Reaching for me, he takes my hands.

“I want you to know that I love you. I love you so much, Saige, and I never want to put you through that again. I want to be what you need. I don’t want to drag you down with me.” He’s not dragging me anywhere I’m not willing to go, but he won’t believe me when I tell him that.

“I wish I had never taken this job. Never met you. I wish I could take it back.” I think he’s going to break down again, but he doesn’t. He bites his bottom lip between his teeth and I can see how much he’s struggling.

“I don’t regret it. I know you don’t believe in fate, but I do. We were meant to find one another, Sylas and I need you to know I’m in. I’m all in for the long haul. Whatever that looks like for us. We’re never going to be the traditional couple, that’s for sure. We’re not white picket fence people. But I think we make each other happy, and we’ll find our own way to live happily ever after.” I know I sound sappy, but I don’t give a shit. I have to lay this all out and have him hear me.

“You…” he says, but he can’t continue. He pulls me into his arms and Leo protests between us and jumps to the floor.

“You are everything that is good in the world, Saige. Everything,” he says in my ear as we share our first embrace since I found him in that hotel room.

“I want to be better for you. I want to be good for you.”

“You already are,” I say.

We spend the rest of the day talking. Like I did in my letter, he lays everything out. He tells me things I already know and things I don’t. It’s harsh and ugly and heartbreaking, but I listen to every single word.

I owe it to him. He read all about my past. Not that I had anything near as horrible in mine. Still, if we want to be together, this is what it’s going to take.

When he finally finishes, I can sense that he’s coming back to his old self.

“I think I need to talk to someone. Someone other than you. A professional. I just never have because most of my activities aren’t all that legal.” That is a good point. I’m not sure what the protocol is if a shrink hears their patient doing illegal activities.

“I’m sure we can find someone who wouldn’t break your confidentiality. There has to be someone out there.”

He finally shows me a glimmer of a smile.

“I didn’t think it was going to be as hard as it was. But I’m glad I told you. You’re the only person in the world who knows everything.” That’s quite a responsibility and I don’t take it lightly.

I lean forward and kiss one cheek, then the other.

“Thank you for trusting me.”

He laughs.

“I still don’t trust you. But I love you anyway.”

That makes me laugh as well.

“Fair enough.”

We’re both completely and totally exhausted, so we head to bed without even getting undressed. I’m not sure if I’m going to make it to class tomorrow, but I’m going to give it my best shot.

Sylas wraps his arms and legs around me, as if he’s afraid I’m going to vanish. I hope I can comfort him, but then I’m the one who wakes in the middle of the night and can’t breathe.

The nightmares are back.

I thought when Sylas started sleeping over they were going to go away. In the past, they seemed to strike when I was sleeping alone. It was actually one of the reasons I went through so many boyfriends my first two years of college. It wasn’t about the sex, it was about the sleeping together afterward. Finding guys that were up for staying over wasn’t easy.

With Sylas, I only had one episode at the hotel, and then I thought I was done. I felt secure and I was in love and my life was on track.

Sylas comforts me as I cry and try and remember what happened. I never can. As soon as I think I remember something, it fades away quicker than I can try to grab onto it. I thought I had learned how to deal with it, but if this is going to be a pattern, I’m going to have to do something. I can’t sit by and let this keep happening to me. Can’t let my subconscious control my life.

“What a mess we are,” I say, closing my eyes and matching my breathing to Sylas’.

“Maybe that’s why we fit together.”