Текст книги "Addicted for Now"
Автор книги: Becca Ritchie
Соавторы: Krista Ritchie
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Текущая страница: 22 (всего у книги 31 страниц)
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LILY CALLOWAY
A full week has passed. And I haven’t left Ryke’s apartment. School is an afterthought, even though my last test is in a few days. I’ll just show up and pass and then be back to my reclusive state before finals begin. I have no intention of seeing my parents, and if Lo and Ryke would let me, I’d be a hermit for the rest of my life.
But Ryke is not the kind of person who coddles, and Lo refuses to enable me anymore. So they have awarded me a seven day “grace period.” Or what they like to call “the time it takes to get my shit together to face my parents.” It may have taken God seven days to create the world, but I think I may need more time to screw my head on right. I am not Christ-like. When I mentioned this to Lo, he told me I could have an extra sympathy day. I think he said that word on purpose—sympathy. I crinkled my nose and decided to take the seven days instead.
I’m on Day Seven. Judgment Day. The one where I’ll have to face my mom and dad.
The majority of the camera crews remain at our house in Princeton or the one in Villanova. Rose and Daisy have been staying at Connor’s since the cameras are sparse around his neighborhood. Plus he has more room at his bachelor pad.
My parents have opted to stay silent when it comes to the media. They paid their lawyers a hefty sum just to utter the words “no comment.” There will be a press conference at some point, especially since Fizzle and Hale Co. stock have dropped considerably.
After home-visits and lengthy phone calls with Dr. Banning, we agreed that I need to read and watch what’s being said about me. Her words were, “Don’t internalize your feelings when you hear what people are saying. If they upset you then let it out.” She also told me to make light of every painful situation—to uncover a silver lining and humor in all the bad. Anything to soften the gut-wrenching blows.
I sit on the leather couch and perform my usual morning ritual. Turn on the television to the morning news and flip open my laptop to the gossipy, tabloid websites.
“We still don’t have an official statement from Lily Calloway or her family,” the news anchor says. “But we have a psychologist here today to talk about sex addiction and the dangers.” Boo. I spend hours in therapy; I do not want to listen to this. I mute the TV and focus on the computer.
I type my name into the search engine. Various articles titled Sex Addict pop up. One even says, Sex Addict or Slut? And there’s a lengthy debate on whether sex addiction is truly an addiction or whether I’m a whore in disguise. I stay away from that one.
Dr. Banning says that the more I hear and see the two words, the more I’ll become desensitized to them.
It hasn’t happened yet.
I shudder when I click into a new site. Daughter of Soda Mogul Sleeps with Soccer Team. I close out quickly and enter another webpage.
Lily Calloway Reviewed by Princeton after Allegations of Hiring Male Prostitutes.
Apparently being a frequent client of an escort service doesn’t bode well in a university’s eyes. I’m trying not to worry about it until after I talk to my parents. Tackle one issue at a time.
I make the mistake of logging onto Twitter and typing in my name. How do I make light of someone saying my vagina must be stretched and ugly? I haven’t checked lately, but I don’t think it looks that bad.
Besides, who stares at that body part and thinks, wow, that’s the most beautiful vagina I’ve ever seen? Likewise, penises are not all that pretty. I may enjoy them, but I’m not about to snap a picture and decorate my wall. Eyes are beautiful. Sex parts are functional.
My fingers click away and land on Tumblr—my bane. I’m about to search for Lily Calloway, but I hesitate above the keyboard. And on impulse I type in something bad.
Sex gifs.
The magic words open Pandora’s Box, and animated “moving” pictures cascade in an infinite scroll. Girls and guys are tangled lustfully, some positions sexier than others. And a few images are pure close-ups of naughty bits. I shouldn’t be thumbing through anything pornographic, but I begin to relax at the familiar routine.
I hover on a black and white picture with pretty shadows. The girl’s mouth forms a perfect “O” as a cock thrusts inside of her. I can’t believe it’s been two whole weeks since I’ve had sex. I try to remind myself that I lasted ninety days without Lo, no sex in sight. But that feels different than this.
After my addiction went public, Lo wavered on having sex with me. And he chose not to feed any compulsions that he thought would arise. He believes I’ll turn into a wild, sex-crazed monster. Those are actually my words, but when I said them, he never denied it. Sex has been a coping mechanism, the tool that I use to deal with tough situations. And for the first time, I have to confront a hard-hitting issue without a boost of my natural high.
It’s not like we haven’t done things. We just haven’t done it. He fingered me the other day, and last night, he let me give him a blow job. So that was nice.
I sigh. I am desperately envious of a two-dimensional girl’s orgasm, worthy of fireworks and sparklers and red velvet cake.
Suddenly, the lock to the front door clicks, and since Ryke’s apartment resembles a flat (the living room connected to the kitchen) I have a direct view of anyone who walks towards the couch. I quickly shutdown Tumblr and log onto Hollywoodharlots.net, a site that has been incredibly gossipy about my addiction. They even snapped a blurry photo of Daisy exiting Connor’s apartment and captioned the pic: Younger Sister of Lily Calloway: Future Sex Addict?
It makes my stomach churn.
“She wasn’t hitting on you,” Lo says as the door swings open.
“Are you sure?” Ryke asks. He shuts the door and pockets his keys. “She looked like she knew where she was going.”
“She was definitely lost.”
Both shirtless with only running shorts, sweat glistens their toned bodies. Morning runs relax Lo, and all week I have been searching for my anxiety-reducing activity. But those funny positions in yoga revert my mind to sex, and meditation causes me to fantasize. So I started looking at porn again, but I’ve been economical about my usage. I won’t get carried away this time.
Lo plops down on the couch beside me, his eyes flickering to my computer screen. “You read anything interesting?”
“Besides the fact that I’ve officially screwed up my sisters’ lives…”
“Rose and Daisy can handle it,” Lo reminds me. But the whole point of pretending to be in a fake relationship for three years, of keeping this giant secret, was to avoid all of this from happening. I never wanted to hurt anyone.
“I re-watched the SNL skit,” I admit. “I think I found it funnier the second time around.” On Saturday, a comedian impersonated me. She drank so many cans of Fizz that she acted drunk and stumbled into a brothel. A few humorous quips later and I sufficiently turned into a caricature.
“You have to admit, the comedian nailed your hair perfectly,” Ryke says with a grin.
“Yeah, but she gave me a terrible accent.” I don’t have a regional dialect, but she layered on a thick, obnoxious Philly drawl. I’ve also zeroed-in on the least offending thing about the entire skit.
“To her credit, she’s probably never heard you speak.”
“Whose side are you on?” I ask him, but I already know the answer. If anyone has been making it easier to make light of the situation, it’s Ryke and Lo.
“I think your first press release should be in that accent,” Lo tells me. “How funny would it be if everyone thinks you actually speak like that?”
I smile. It would be a good prank.
Lo leans over to grab my computer. “Let me see this for a second,” he says.
My guard rises and fear spikes. I grip the console as if I’m trying to protect a fairy kingdom from goblin invasion. “What? Why?”
He edges back a little bit, eyes narrowed with skepticism. “I want to see if my dad had a press conference yet.” It must be hard to stay silent towards his father throughout all of this, but it’s probably best that they’re not on speaking terms. Jonathan Hale has always been Lo’s trigger to drink.
“Uh…I can check.” I type quickly into the search engine. It’s not that I have anything incriminating on here, but I fear random pop-ups from a porn site that I visited yesterday. When the time is right, I plan on telling Lo that I’ve found a way to be a healthy porn-watcher. Definitely not now, though.
“No,” I tell Lo after a couple minutes. “He hasn’t even released a statement.” Same as my parents. I wonder if they’re both waiting to speak to their children first.
And right as I turn, the computer leaves my hands. Lo sets the device on the coffee table. My heart slows down when his lips touch mine, and then it speeds up again when his hands dip to my waist. I lose myself to the way his tongue slides into my mouth and the way he sucks on my bottom lip. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch Ryke entering the living room and bending in front of my computer.
Oh no.
I’ve been tricked!
I pull back abruptly, my bottom lip caught between Lo’s teeth. I tug away and jump off the couch, charging for my laptop before Ryke can. But Lo grabs me by the hips and throws me over his shoulder. Oh man.
“Hey!” I yell, lifting my body off of Lo by pressing my hand on his back. “That’s mine.” Ryke doesn’t seem to care. He takes the laptop casually and sits back against the couch. “Lo, put me down!”
He pats my ass. “You don’t like it up here?”
“Are you taking me to the bedroom?” I ask, rethinking my dislike of hanging upside down. If it ends with me on a bed and having crazy sex, then I wouldn’t complain.
“No, love.”
“I can give you head,” I offer.
“I’m still in the room, Lily,” Ryke reminds me, his eyes on my computer screen. I flush only a little. I have become terrifyingly more comfortable mentioning sex around Ryke.
“You don’t care, do you?” I ask Ryke, egging him on a bit. He has my computer after all.
“I care,” Lo replies instead. “It’s almost noon.”
“That’s why they call it a nooner.”
“No, Lil.”
I clench my teeth, hating that I’m making him say the word no over and over. I should be better like I was in Cancun. But ever since the leak, I feel like I’ve regressed a little. I just…need to figure out how to return to where I was, but finding that path proves harder every day.
Ryke taps the keyboard, the clicking incessant while his eyes dance around the screen. “I don’t really understand why you’re so fucking obsessed with blow jobs anyway. You’re a sex addict. What the hell do they do for you?”
“Ryke,” Lo snaps.
“What? It’s an honest fucking question.”
I don’t want to tell Ryke the truth. That before I dated Lo, it was just a means to an end. Foreplay. Getting a guy hard. Pure and simple. Now, since I’m not even allowed to be on top (lest I become too compulsive) giving head is really the only thing that makes me feel in control. And I just really, really like making Lo come.
I smile at the thought.
“You’re not going to answer me?” Ryke asks. “I thought we were friends now.”
I may be comfortable saying some things in front of him but definitely not that. “What are you doing on my computer then?” I ask. “And why am I being held hostage?” I try to wiggle out of Lo’s grip.
He slides me down to my feet, and before I dart to the computer, his arms slip around my waist again, pinning my chest to his. He stares past me, and disappointment and dread begin to fill his amber-colored eyes.
What? I crane my neck over my shoulder. Ryke grimaces at something on the screen. My heart flip-flops and somersaults. “What’s wrong?” I say in a small voice.
“Your history is fucking filthy,” Ryke tells me in a serious tone.
But…that’s impossible. I clear my history. All the time. Lo lets go of me, cold replacing his warmth, which stings the most. I stay frozen by the coffee table, and he joins Ryke on the couch, scanning the long list.
“I don’t understand…” I mutter.
“I checked your history yesterday,” Lo says, his eyes grazing the screen like Ryke’s. “It was all erased. I thought that was suspicious. So I told Ryke this morning, and he said there’s a backup installed on expensive computers to revive it.” He finally meets my gaze, and before he speaks this time, I interject.
“I can explain,” I say quickly. “I started looking at it a few days ago, but only for a few minutes at a time. I’m learning how to portion control. I was going to tell you after I talked to my parents. It’s a good thing actually. I can watch it like a normal person now.” My voice becomes unnaturally high.
Ryke, surprisingly, keeps quiet and turns to Lo.
I’ve already framed his response. He won’t condone my porn usage, that I’m sure, but he’ll tell me he understands how hard it is for me and that I have to do better. I wait for his sympathetic words.
“I hope you enjoyed it,” Lo says with edge, “because that was your last time on the internet.”
My mouth falls open, too shocked to speak. He closes my computer and snatches it from Ryke’s lap. I imagine him tossing it in the trash, and my voice suddenly reanimates. “Waitwaitwait!” I throw up my hands. “I have school. I need to write papers and do research.”
Lo walks to a cabinet and places my laptop inside. “Then I’ll sit with you when you do them, but obviously you can’t be trusted with a computer right now.” His eyes hit mine. “Have you been looking at porn on your phone?”
I stare at the cabinet in a fog. I can’t believe this is happening. Lo has never practiced tough love with me. The only love I know is either the sweet kind or the kind that makes me come.
“Lily!”
I blink. “A little.”
His chest rises and falls heavily, hurt or angry or maybe a bit of both. “There is no a little,” he says roughly. “It’s either yes or no.”
I shake my head. “I was making it work,” I defend.
“Porn is not like sex. You’re not allowed to look at the photos for an hour and be done.”
“Why not?” I ask. “If I’m not being compulsive about it—”
“You’re addicted. It doesn’t feel like a compulsion now. But two days later that hour on your computer turns into three. A week later, you’re losing sleep to the habit. Then in a month, all your free fucking time is consumed by checking your phone, logging onto websites, falling asleep to movies. Lily…” He walks over and cups my face, brushing fallen tears from my eyes. “I have watched porn eat away your time and your life. I’m not going to let it happen again.”
Before I can wrap my head around my feelings, his hand slips into my back pocket, and he retrieves my cell phone. “On the way to your parents, we’ll stop and buy you a flip phone. One that doesn’t have internet.”
He slides the cell into his own pocket. His eyes fall to mine, still serious.
“Have you been masturbating?”
I feel the heat of my rash-like embarrassment flooding my face. I glance hesitantly at Ryke, not wanting to discuss any of this with him in the room. They have banded together, and I can’t deny that Ryke has made Lo stronger.
“Lily, you asked to give me head in front of him,” Lo reminds me. “You can’t be embarrassed now.”
“I’m not…I haven’t.” I don’t mention how I’ve contemplated the act and almost succumbed to the temptation (more than once) in the shower.
“You promise?” he asks, still disbelieving. “Because there are ways I can check. I could smell your fingers right now or go through your box of toys.”
I scowl. My stomach turns in a mixture of anger and hurt. “You don’t have to do that,” I say. “I’m telling you the truth.”
“This…” He motions from me to him. “Us. We can’t work unless we’re honest with one another. You’ll be able to tell if I drink, but Lil, I’ll have no idea if you’ve relapsed until it’s too late. I don’t want there to be distrust between us.”
“I don’t either.”
“Then talk to me,” he urges. “Don’t reach the point where you’re watching porn or masturbating again to speak up. It’s not okay, Lil.”
He’s right, but that doesn’t make hearing those words, from him, any easier. Maybe I need a good kick in the ass though.
Ryke clears his throat from the couch, and Lo rolls his eyes dramatically. He grabs his wallet from the table and fishes out a twenty. Ryke smirks as he takes the bill.
“Did you bet on me?” I ask, dumbfounded.
“Yeah,” Lo says, unabashed. His eyes fall to mine. “And I’ll always bet on your side.”
He probably suspected I had watched porn all along too. I should be more offended that they bet on my addiction, but it lightens the mood and helps me not curl up in a ball of guilt.
“And I’ll gladly take your money,” Ryke tells him.
No way. The prospect of Ryke winning off my failure motivates me to do better.
I open my mouth, about to tell Ryke that he’ll never win again, but a glimmer in the window catches my eye. I sidle to the panes and peer through.
Across the street, a van has pulled onto the curb. Cameras flash, the lens directed at Ryke’s living room. I duck to the floor. How did they find us?
Lo sees me hugging the hardwood, and he comes over to glance out the window. I shoo him with my hand. “Cameras,” I say.
He squints in confusion and then quickly grabs the remote. He flips on the television while Ryke hops over the coffee table and comes to my aid. He snags the blinds, and they close the room in afternoon darkness.
A familiar voice blares through the sound system, and my head whips to the flat-screen.
“I spent an entire week with her during Spring Break.”
Oh. My. God.
I go to Lo’s side in a daze and plop on the couch. Melissa talks candidly with a camera crew outside of what appears to be Ryke’s apartment complex.
“And what was she like?” the news anchor asks.
Melissa let out a short laugh. “Wild.”
“Liar!” I yell and grab a pillow from the couch, ready to fling it against the television.
Ryke points a finger at me. “Do not break my TV.”
I motion to Melissa and her fake smile. “The one time I actually didn’t even have sex, and I’m being blasted for it. It’s not fucking fair.”
“She’s not the first person who’s been on camera lying about you,” Lo reminds me. Yesterday a kid from prep school claimed I had sex with him, and since I was particular and choosy back then, I can recall most of my high school conquests. He was definitely not among them. But this feels different. Melissa is the first person who has proof that she’s been in our company, and not only that, she’s discussing events that didn’t take place four years ago.
It happened last Friday.
As far as they know, she has no reason to lie.
The news anchor asks her to elaborate, and Melissa wears another complacent smile. “Well, let’s just say Lily and Loren Hale have an open relationship.”
“What does that mean exactly?”
“Loren Hale has a half-brother,” Melissa says. Yeah, the media revealed that not too long ago, and Sara Hale was finally painted as the hero, divorced out of adultery, which she was forced to keep quiet after the end of her marriage. She’s no longer the money-grubbing gold digger that my own mother used to call her. Although, I suspect my mom still knew the truth about Jonathan’s cheating all along like my father did.
“Do you know who his half-brother is?” the anchor questions.
Ryke’s identity has not been confirmed. By anyone yet.
“Of course,” Melissa says. “He tells almost everyone that he’s related to Loren Hale. I think he likes being associated to money.”
Ryke rolls his eyes and sits on the armrest of the couch beside his brother.
Lo pats his back. “Nothing like a woman scorned, huh, big bro?”
“Fuck off,” Ryke says lightly.
Lo smiles, but it fades as soon as Melissa answers the news anchor’s whole question.
“His name is Ryke Meadows.”
“And there goes my anonymity,” Ryke mutters. He sighs and curses under his breath as Melissa discusses the apartment building, his affiliation to Penn and the track team…it’s a lot to digest.
“And there goes those morning runs around the block,” Lo adds.
Melissa divulges more secrets, like which coffee shops he frequents, the gyms he likes. Ryke groans his hand.
Lo’s voice softens. “You really pissed this girl off.”
“I didn’t mean to. Honestly.”
Melissa stares straight into the camera, delivering her next lie. “Lily Calloway liked to do it a lot, but especially with both of them.” She pauses. “Together.”
None of us move, not at all expecting that.
“Fucking fantastic,” Ryke breathes.
I can handle guys lying about sleeping with me. I can handle comedy skits about my sex addiction. I can handle the sluts and whores that are blasted my way. But having someone else—someone who has only helped me—being dragged into these lies, well, that sets me off.
I storm towards the door, not even caring that my hair is unwashed, that my clothes are wrinkled from all the lounging around, and that I look one second from joining the trash in a garbage can. I’m a girl with a fucking mission.
“Whoa!” Lo wraps his arms around my waist before I reach the door. “Where are you going, love?”
“To the street. I need to set things straight.” They cannot think I’ve slept with Ryke. They cannot think I’ve had sex with Lo and his brother. That is beyond wrong.
Ryke stares at me from the couch. “So your first fucking statement is going to be Melissa is a big fat fucking liar?”
“You can’t point fingers,” Lo clarifies.
“I can’t just be quiet,” I say. “This is getting bad.”
“You have to talk to your parents first,” Lo reminds me. “They have money. They have lawyers.”
But for every second that Melissa’s lie is accepted as truth is another moment where Ryke and Lo suffer because of me.
Ryke gives me an annoyed look. “You honestly think I care what people say about me?” No, he wouldn’t, but I still feel horrible. “I’m more pissed that she’s told the press where I rock climb.”
I picture lenses swarming him as he grips a mountain with his fingers, and the cameras distract him as they flash repeatedly, so much so that he tumbles to his death. I wince. “I’m sorry.”
“I don’t want your apologies, Lily,” Ryke refutes. “I only want one thing.”
“What?”
“When your parents tell you to go to rehab, what do you say?”
We talked about this on the plane. I can’t go to rehab. That would entail leaving Lo and a brilliant therapist, both of which I love, and all of that would be replaced with anxiety-ridden group sessions. I can’t form the words Ryke wants me to until Lo laces his fingers with mine, courage filling me.
“I’m going to say…go to hell.”
Ryke tilts his head at me, appraising my tone. I said the right words, but maybe not in the most confident way. He turns to Lo.
“We’ll work on it,” Lo tells me.
I nod. At least I have their support. Ryke and Lo, as a team—for however strange that would have seemed months ago—is the best thing for me.
Just not a sexual team.
Purely chaste here.
Okay, I’ll stop now. I think porn has fried my brain. I blame Melissa! I’m going to use that excuse for the rest of the day.
I do feel a little better.
