Текст книги "Unmistakeable"

Автор книги: Abby Reynolds

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CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Alaska

I sat on the couch and watched TV. I didn’t feel like going out or doing anything. Jace was at work so I had nothing to do with anyone. The more I thought about Jace, the more confused I became. Should relationships be this much work? He was the only serious boyfriend I ever had so I didn’t have anything to compare it to. We used to be so happy and in love. Lately, I’ve felt like his desire for me has dwindled. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t even want to be around me.

What happened? What went wrong? Maybe I was holding onto the relationship because of what we used to be. I already talked to him and told him my concerns. He said he would be better but he wasn’t. Perhaps I should just end the relationship while we were still friendly with one another. If I waited too long, it could cause more pain and resentment. I didn’t want to hurt Jace. I really care about him.

A knock on my door shattered my thoughts. The knock was light, almost hesitant. Even though I was wearing my lazy clothes, I decided to answer the door anyway. I didn’t care if I looked hideous.

I looked through the peephole and spotted Ash on the other side. What did he want? I felt a sudden surge of joy when I realized he was outside my apartment. Maybe he and I could be friends again, be what we once were. I’d grown fond of him over the months.

I answered the door. “Hey. Car trouble?”

He didn’t laugh. He didn’t smile. He didn’t seem amused at all.

“Okay…is everything alright?”

“No, I’ll make this quick.” He took out his phone then hit the screen a few times. “Is Jace working tonight?” His voice was as cold as ice.

What was going on? “Yeah. Why?”

“I just sent you something. Look at it.”

My heart moved into my throat. “Why?”

“Just do it.” He waited for me to grab my phone.

I pulled it out of my pocket then checked my messages. “You sent me a video?”

“Watch it.”

I suddenly felt scared. “Ash, what’s going on?”

“You’ll see.” His eyes looked lifeless, dull.

This whole situation was making me uneasy.

“For what its worth, I feel like shit.” His eyes looked empty and dead. His lips were pressed tight together, and his body was tense.

My thumb shook before I hit the play button.

There was the counter to the bar and a group of guys were standing by it, but the person in focus was Jace. He was wearing a firefighter t-shirt just like the rest of the guys, and his tattoo was visible. His arm was around the waist of a blonde woman. And he was kissing her…

Ash kept staring at me, keeping his silence.

Jace gripped her back while he held her close to him. Then he moved her against the bar, closing her in. He kissed her passionately, like he was a sailor who’d been on leave for months. He cupped her face while he did it. Then he pulled away, rubbing his nose against hers. She smiled, loving the way he was relishing her. The video went on for minutes, the same thing happening repeatedly. It was clear he didn’t just meet the girl. He’d known her for a while.

I wasn’t sure what hurt more. The fact he was cheating on me, or the fact he never kissed me the way he kissed this girl. He used to be affectionate with me, never keeping his hands off me. But that passion died months ago. Now he was doing it with her, actually looking at her. The game was on in the background but he didn’t look at it once.

I lowered the phone, breathing hard. I couldn’t think. It was so much to take in. He lied to me. He’d been lying to me for a long time. He wasn’t in love with me. He didn’t even respect me. When I asked if we should just call it quits, he said he wanted to work on our relationship. Why would he say that then string me along like this?

Along with the pain was embarrassment. Jace didn’t even try to be discreet about it. All the guys he worked with knew about it. When I called they covered for him, seeing me as the stupid girlfriend Jace didn’t really care about. I thought about the text messages he would get on his phone, always from the same girl.

Sarah.

Was my entire relationship a lie? Did he ever care about me? Did he ever love me? It would have hurt if he left me for another girl, but I would have accepted it and let him walk away. If he wanted to be with her, I wouldn’t have fought for him. But to lie to me…for so long…made me sick. When he was with me, he was with her. Those lips had tasted someone just a day before he tasted me. When we were in his bed, Sarah was in that bed right after me. Maybe even before.

God, this hurt.

While the pain was evident, the numb was stronger. My body couldn’t handle the betrayal, at least not at once. In order to survive, my mind numbed me, protecting me. My entire life had been filled with men who could never speak the truth. They bailed and left me to fend for myself. First it was my father and now it was Jace. He couldn’t just respect me and tell me the truth? That there was someone else? How long was he going to drag this out? Until he got caught?

“Alaska…?” Ash’s voice was gentle. “I didn’t want to show that to you. I hate the look on your face…it kills me.”

I forgot he was there even though I was looking directly at him. I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to regain my composure. I already cried in front of Ash and I didn’t want to do it again. “I’m sorry I didn’t believe you the first time…”

“Don’t do that,” he said immediately. “Don’t apologize.”

I was in so much pain that I didn’t know what to do with myself. “I feel so stupid…”

He stared at me, the heartbreak in his eyes.

“I…I need to go.” I stepped back inside my apartment.

Ash stepped close to me. “I’m here if you need anything. I can just sit with you if that would help.”

“There’s nothing you can do for me. I just want to be alone.”

He stepped back. “Okay.” The struggle was in his eyes. I could tell he wanted to hold me, to do something.

“Thanks for letting me know…and I’m sorry I made such a stupid accusation toward you.”

“It’s water under the bridge.”

“Good night.”

He stepped back and sighed. “Good night, Alaska.”

I shut the door then went into my bedroom. I crawled under the covers and tried to hide from any form of light. I just wanted to disappear, to stop feeling. I didn’t want to exist. I just wanted to fall.

It was stupid to cry over a guy, the dumbest thing in the world. He cheated on me, used me, and lied to my face. He wasn’t worth my tears and heartbreak. I said that over and over again, but I could never stop my own tears.

I cried every day for a week.

I lay in bed and hardly moved. I canceled all my appointments and said I had a medical emergency. I shut out the world and tried to disappear.

I didn’t leave the apartment. I had enough water to get by, and I never had an appetite. The pain was too much, and it gripped me by the throat. I kept going over our relationship in my head, trying to figure out where it went wrong. If he wanted to be with someone else, I wouldn’t have been so distraught. Sometimes things happened. We weren’t married, so it was okay if he met someone he preferred over me. But to have a relationship with her, to sleep with her, and to carry on while he pretended everything was okay was…unacceptable. How could he do this to me? Did he have absolutely no respect for me?

The agony would turn into rage. But then it would simmer back to despair. My emotions were like a roller coaster. They had their ups and downs. Jace called me a few times but I never answered. I didn’t listen to his messages either. I wasn’t ready to talk to him. I wanted to face him with a strong front. I refused to let him see how much he hurt me. I wouldn’t give him that satisfaction.

A few people came to my door and knocked but I never answered it. I had a strong feeling it was Jace. He never showed enough care to make me think he’d ever check on me, but perhaps the guilt was getting to him. Maybe he was paranoid that I wasn’t calling him back because I knew something. I didn’t care. The guilt could eat him alive.

My phone lit up with a text message. I’ve been ignoring them lately, but I decided to read it.

Check your front doorstep. It was Ash.

I forced myself to get out of bed and open the door.

On my doorstep was a plate covered in foil, and a gift bag. I took everything inside and examined it. The plate was a dinner of chicken and rice and vegetables. And there was a note.

You haven’t left your apartment once so I thought you might be hungry. I’m not as good of a cook as you, but I tried.

I smiled for the first time in a week then opened the gift bag. Inside was a high-resolution lens, the one I’d been saving for. And there was another note.

For when you’re feeling better.

I smiled again, realizing how thoughtful he was. He was nothing like the man I originally thought. He was actually incredibly sweet and wonderful. Maybe he was a manwhore too, but there were other beautiful things about him.

I pulled out my phone and texted him. Thanks for everything. It was nice to smile for once.

You’ll smile again. I promise.

I put my phone down, and for the first time in a week, I actually ate something.

As the next week went by, my sister started to worry.

I haven’t seen you in a while. Lunch?

I didn’t want to tell her what happened. I just wanted to be alone. I’m busy. Maybe next week.

Alright, but you’re buying because you’re a hotshot artist.

I rolled my eyes. Sure.

I still didn’t leave my apartment. I was running low on clothes and groceries but I refused to go outside. I wasn’t ready to face the music yet.

Jace started to blow up my phone.

Why haven’t you called me?

Are you okay?

What’s going on?

I ignored him, letting him simmer. I had nothing to say to him anyway.

Ash texted me. Check your doorstep.

Did he leave me another gift? I opened the front door and saw the pile of groceries. And there was a note.

I was worried you might eat your own hair.

 

I smiled then carried everything inside. Ash was the only person who knew what was going on in my life, and I was grateful he didn’t smother me. He kept his distance and let me deal with the heartbreak on my own.

I texted him. Thank you. I don’t think I’d look good bald.

You could pull it off. And you’re welcome.

I returned to my solitude and worked on pictures I already had. When I spotted pictures of Jace, I tore them up and tossed them in the garbage. It was unnecessary to rip up every picture of an ex-boyfriend since no relationship ended well, but the fact he cheated on me made me doubt everything between us. I didn’t want his face in my apartment. I didn’t want anything that reminded me of him.

Slowly, I started to gather his things and pack them in a box. Whenever I faced him, I didn’t want him to have a reason to come back. I wanted that to be the last time I ever saw him outside my front door.

A few days later, I got a text from Ash.

Open your front door.

I smiled, wondering what it would be this time, and stepped outside.

A mug was sitting on the ground—with hot cocoa.

I smiled when I grabbed it, feeling my heart ache a little less. Then I walked inside and sat on the couch, feeling the warm mug in my hands.

I pulled out my phone. It has extra marshmallows.

I thought you needed it.

Ash had been my guardian angel for the past few weeks. I never saw him but he was always there. Thank you. And thank you for giving me space.

You’re welcome. I know you better than you realize.

I lay on the couch and sipped the hot cocoa until it was gone. Thinking about Ash made me feel better. It was nice to think about something else other than Jace having sex with that blonde while I stayed home on a Friday night. The bitterness flooded my veins every time.

A fist pounded on my door. “Alaska? Open this door.”

It was Jace. It looked like his patience had disappeared.

“I’m not leaving until you talk to me. You haven’t returned my calls and I’m worried.”

I checked my appearance in the mirror and changed my clothes. I didn’t want him to see all the weight I lost or my hollow cheeks. I dabbed some make up on my face so I wouldn’t look so lifeless. He wouldn’t see my suffering. He wouldn’t see my pain. Because he didn’t deserve to.

After I took a deep breath, I answered the door.

His eyes widened. He obviously didn’t expect me to open the door. “Baby?”

Baby? I hated hearing that. “It’s Alaska.”

He cocked an eyebrow. “What’s going on? Why have you been ignoring me?”

Just looking at him made me boil. I wanted to slap him hard across the face. I wanted to knee him in the groin. I even wanted to rip his eyes out. But I did none of those things. “What I’ve been doing is none of your business.”

The confusion covered his face. “What’s going on with you?”

I grabbed his box of belongings then shoved it into his arms. “Don’t come back, Jace.”

He eyed everything inside then looked back at me. “Why are you giving me this?”

“Because I’m done with you. Don’t bother me. Don’t call me. And don’t even look at me.”

He dropped the box on the ground. “Why are you mad at me? What did I do?”

I tried not to laugh. “Jace, just go.”

“No, what the hell did I do?”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “How’s Sarah?”

His face quickly became pale.

I waited for him to stay something. He didn’t.

“That’s why, Jace.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about…”

“Seriously? You aren’t going to come clean? Even now? You’re an even bigger coward than I thought.”

“I have a friend named Sarah, but I don’t see why that’s relevant.”

I wanted to scream in frustration. I couldn’t believe I was with this loser for so long. Even worse, I couldn’t believe this loser played me for so long. “If you come clean to me about everything you’ve been doing, we can have a full-length conversation. But if you’re going to keep hiding it, then just go.”

“I don’t have anything to hide.”

God, I hated him. I pulled out my phone and sent him the message. “Watch the video.”

He didn’t pull his phone out.

“I said watch it, Jace.”

He didn’t make a move.

“It shows you and Sarah getting hot and heavy at the bar.” I tried not to get emotional about this. It hurt me like hell but I couldn’t let him know that. I refused to let it happen. “I don’t even care, Jace. I’m just ticked you lied to me for as long as you did. I’m ticked that you didn’t let this relationship die when I brought it up. I never would have known how much of an ass you were and I wouldn’t hate you as much as I do. But that wasn’t the route you took. Now take your shit and get away from me.”

He breathed hard, unsure what to do.

“Jace, we’re done. You can try to lie your way out of it but nothing you say is going to change anything. Get your stuff and get out of my life forever.”

He picked up the box again.

“All you had to do was break up with me. That’s it.” I shook my head slightly. “Tell Sarah I feel sorry for her. Because you’ll do exactly what you did to me to her. Maybe not now, but maybe in a few months or a year. It’ll happen. And she may not be as nice as I am.”

He stepped back, holding the box in his hands.

I held onto my last bit of reserve, not letting me break down in front of him.

“Alaska—”

“Leave.” Ash’s voice came from behind him. It was low and deadly. Even I flinched. “Or I will make you.”

Jace turned around and spotted him.

They stared at each other for a long moment.

Ash stepped toward him and Jace stepped back. “Remember me?”

Jace said nothing. Then he headed to the stairs.

Ash stayed on his tail, threatening him silently.

When Jace was at the end of the stairs, Ash returned. The anger was gone, and only sympathy remained behind.

Now I was barely holding on by a thread.

“You okay?” he asked.

I shook my head slightly. “No. I’m not okay.” I walked back inside as the tears flooded my eyes. I hid them from Ash, from everyone.

Then I shut the door.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Ash

The pain on my heart was suffocating me. I couldn’t concentrate in school and I couldn’t function. All I was thinking about was Alaska. She’d been cooped up in her apartment for almost a month, hardly leaving. She was suffering because of that dickhead, and it made me suffer too.

Why did he do that to her? Why? If you can’t commit to someone, don’t be in a relationship. It’s that simple. I’d been doing it my whole life. No one got hurt, and there were no strings attached. It was fair to all parties involved.

So why did he do that to her? And she wasn’t just any girl. She was stunning, warm, smart, and lively. Her spirit lit up every room. Her smile made my knees go weak. Her body was smokin’. She was absolutely perfect.

But yet, he preferred that blonde? A girl whose face looked like everyone else’s? Someone who was plain? Someone who didn’t care that the guy she was fucking had a girlfriend? There was no way in hell she didn’t know. Jace didn’t strike me as an intellectual. He wouldn’t be able to juggle two girlfriends and a full-time job.

Alaska was exotic and unique. Just the color of her skin left my mouth dry. It was flawless and tan, glowing by its own radiance. There was a sheen to it when she was under the sun. Her eyes were brown, but they were light and bright. She had a petite frame but had womanly curves in all the right places.

Why the fuck would he cheat on her?

If she were mine, she’d never cry. She’d never know pain.

But she wasn’t.

I watched her apartment and made sure Jace didn’t come back. And I brought her food whenever I thought she might be hungry. She still hadn’t come out, not even to check her mail. I waited for her to leave so I could talk to her, engage her in conversation. I was worried about her. But I was grateful she held her ground when Jace came by. She hid her pain and acted like she was perfectly fine. I was proud of her.

Unable to take her silence any longer, I knocked on her door. There was movement inside then the sound of gentle footsteps. I knew she was looking at me through the peephole, making sure I wasn’t that jackass.

She opened the door. “Hi.” Surprise was on her face.

When I looked at her body, I was disappointed. She lost weight, more than she should. I guess all my food drop-offs didn’t help. “Hi.”

She leaned against the door, balancing on one foot.

“I just wanted to check on you. I haven’t seen you in a while. Actually, no one has seen you in a while…”

She sighed. “I know…I guess I’m not handling this very well. But I do feel better than I did three weeks ago.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

“Thanks for checking on me.” She stood up straight and started to close the door.

“Would you like to come over for dinner?” I blurted.

“Umm…” I could tell she wanted to crawl back into her hole.

“Come on. You need to leave that apartment, Alaska. It’s been long enough.”

She debated her options internally before she nodded. “You’re right. I can’t hide forever.”

“Good. I hope you like Italian.”

“I love Italian.”

“Excellent.”

We walked to my apartment then headed inside. I made sure it was spotless before I invited her over. I never cleaned before a girl visited. I didn’t give a damn what they thought. But I cared about Alaska’s opinion.

I pulled out the chair for her at the table. “Have a seat.”

“Thanks.” She slid inside then sat still.

I walked into the kitchen and fetched the food. I made spaghetti and French bread—the limit to my culinary talents.

“It smells good,” she said when I placed the food in front of her.

“I hope it tastes the same.” I sat across from her and put my napkin in my lap.

She rested her elbow on the table while she ate. I could tell she was still off her game. The depression still throbbed in her eyes, and her slow breathing told me how exhausted she was. Every moment she made was tiresome. She was weak and thin. Now I hated the fucker even more.

“It’s good,” she said quietly.

“Thanks.”

I didn’t press her for a conversation. Just getting her out of her apartment was progress.

“Have you tried out you new lens?” I asked.

“No, not yet. But I will. How’s school?”

“Good. Nothing too interesting has happened.”

She chuckled. “Nothing interesting? You’re in medical school. It has to be interesting.”

I shrugged. “There are a lot of politics in medicine. Take the fun out of it sometimes.”

She finished half of her plate before she abandoned it.

“Dessert?” I teased.

“I’m so full.” She waved her hand like she couldn’t eat another bite.

“I can tell.” I cleared the plates and left them in the sink. When I returned, she was sitting on the couch, her arms crossed tightly over her chest. She was probably cold. She was used to lying around in her sweats cuddled under a blanket all day. I grabbed a blanket my mom got me then wrapped it around her.

She sighed once the warmth enveloped her. “Thank you.”

“Yeah.” I leaned over the back of the couch and looked at her. “So…how about some hot cocoa?”

“I’d love some.”

“Coming right up.” I walked back into the kitchen and prepared two hot mugs. Then I placed them on the coffee table in front of the TV. She immediately sipped hers, loving the warmth. Livia was the same way. Even in the summer, she was cold.

I stay on my side of the couch and watched her. Even though she was going through a hard time, she still looked beautiful. Only a gorgeous woman could pull that off.

“So…how are you doing?” I needed to address it sometime.

She shrugged. “I’m okay. I guess I’ve been struggling with a few things…”

I held my silence, hoping she would elaborate on her own.

“It’s hard for me to understand why he did what he did. Just a few weeks before we broke up, I told him I felt differently about our relationship, that he wasn’t really invested anymore and we should probably go our separate ways. Obviously, he was cheating on me then. Why didn’t he just call it quits? Instead, he told me he wanted to work on our relationship. I don’t understand…”

“Perhaps he liked having you as a safety if it didn’t work out with this new girl.”

She ran her fingers through her hair and sighed. “It makes me sick to imagine someone being that selfish…and disgusting. Toward the end of our relationship, he never made me feel beautiful. He never kissed me with passion or made me feel like I was the one woman he couldn’t live without. But when I saw that video…he did kiss her that way. It looked like he was in love.”

I thought the same thing.

“So, I guess that hurt more. Why couldn’t he be happy with me? Why did he want someone else? Did I do something?”

“No.” My voice sliced through the air. “Don’t blame yourself.”

“I wasn’t,” she said immediately. “I’m just trying to understand it. I’d craved that type of intimacy and affection but he never gave it to me. Then he gave it to someone else…I would be okay with it if he just dumped me but he didn’t.”

“Because he’s a fucking asshole.” I hated to curse in front of her, but I really hated Jace. I wanted him to die.

She leaned back on the couch and pulled her blankets closer. “It’s not even about the reality of a failed relationship. It’s the fact he disrespected me so much. Underneath the romance was a friendship. He completely tarnished that and pretty much proved it didn’t matter to him. How could you hurt someone you claim to care about? He stabbed me in the back.”

“He’s a loser anyway.”

“I guess I’m taking it harder than I should for other reasons…”

“Like what?”

She shrugged. “I’m slowly starting to realize that men aren’t good, people aren’t good, and you should never expect them to be. Because they will eat your heart out the moment you fall asleep.”

What?

“I’m tired of the way people take advantage of me. Jace walked all over me, preying on my trusting nature and understanding. He had no problem pissing all over it. He didn’t blink an eye over it. He slept with me then slept with her, constantly going back and forth. Who does that?”

I didn’t have an answer.

“If he had just told me how he felt, I would have stepped aside and understood. Sometimes things happen. You meet someone unexpectedly and sparks fly. But why wouldn’t he just tell me? I was his best friend…”

I hated seeing how heartbroken she was. It shook the foundation of who she was as a person. “Don’t let him tear you down. He was just one guy. There are hundreds of good ones out there.”

“I have yet to meet one,” she said bitterly.

I didn’t agree with that. “Scotty is a really good guy.”

She softened slightly. “He is. And he loves your sister so much.”

“Not all men are pigs.”

“Just ninety-nine percent.” She played with a strand of hair. “You know…when we first met I judged you. I thought you were a jerk for the way you carried out your personal life. You picked up random girls that you didn’t give a damn about, had your fun, and then sent them on their way.”

I didn’t want to discuss my personal life.

“You never lied to them. You told them from the beginning what they were getting out of it. You’ve never had a girlfriend because you knew you couldn’t be a boyfriend. Now when I think about it, your view of sex and relationships is perfect.”

Perfect?

“Why do we bother being in relationships? It just makes both people worse people. They hurt each other and betray one another. All it does is rip them apart. Ash, you were right from the beginning. It’s a waste of time to get close to someone. You love your friends and your family with everything you’re worth, so you don’t need much else.”

It was the first time someone agreed with my promiscuous lifestyle, but it was also the first time I questioned it. “It’s not all it’s cut out to be…”

“How so?” She stared out the window.

“Well…you have sex with people but there’s no intimacy. You feel hollow and used. They don’t hold you after sex or get to know you. There’s such a lack of communication that it’s hard to believe you’re really with another person.” Doubts had been swirling in my head lately. Ever since Alaska found out what Jace did, I hadn’t slept with anyone. I never had the urge and I never went to the bars. I just stayed home, worrying about her. “It’s really not all that fulfilling.”

“But you never get hurt. People can’t let you down because you don’t let them. No one ever gets close enough to nick you. You’re far away from the fire so you never get burned.”

“But I also never get warm.” I stared at her while I said it.

“It just makes me question everything…”

I knew she was hurting right now so it was natural to feel dead inside. But I hoped this didn’t rearrange everything she believed in. I hoped she didn’t just start sleeping around, becoming like every other girl I met in La Jolla. Because she was too good for that, too classy. She deserved to be worshipped by a guy, not used. “I think Jace just wasn’t the right guy. You’ll find someone that makes you believe in love again. And this time, he won’t let you down.”

She kept staring out the window, lost in thought.

And I stared at her, wanting to know what those thoughts were.