Текст книги "Reclaiming the Sand"

Автор книги: A. Meredith Walters

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Текущая страница: 17 (всего у книги 20 страниц)

I wiped away the tears that were suddenly dripping down my face. I sniffled, trying not to draw attention to my blubbering.

Of course Flynn noticed the one time I had counted on his obliviousness.

“You’re crying. Are you sad?” he asked, frowning. He reached out and wiped the tears from my face, rubbing the wetness between his fingers as he tried to work out what was wrong with me.

I scrubbed my face with my hands. “I’m not sad, Flynn. I’m just thankful. Thankful that you came into my life and changed me. I was such a miserable bitch before you came back.” I hung my head in shame.

“Don’t cuss, Ellie,” Flynn scolded.

“Sorry,” I muttered, my lips quirking upwards into a smile.

“But I was. I was horrible. I treated you so badly, Flynn. How were able to forgive me? How can you stand to touch me after everything I’ve done?” I was crying in earnest now. The girl who never shed a tear was sobbing like a baby.

Flynn didn’t put his arm around me. He didn’t comfort me as others would have tried to do. He simply watched me cry with a curious expression on his face. Murphy lifted his nose and nudged my arm as though asking what was wrong.

“Don’t cry. It makes me feel sad. Like I want to cry too,” Flynn said, his face pained.

I tried to stop. I really did. But it was like a dam had broken and years of repressed tears came flooding out.

“I’m so sorry, Flynn. For everything. For calling you names. For being your friend and then taking that friendship away because I was a coward. For not standing up for you when I should have. For not being stronger,” I babbled. I was a snotty mess. I wiped my nose with the back of my hand, disgusted.

Flynn didn’t respond to my apology. He continued to watch me as I cried myself out.

“I know you’re sorry, Ellie,” he said when I had calmed down.

“Huh?” I wasn’t sure I had heard him correctly.

“I know you’re sorry, Ellie. You weren’t very nice to me. You made me feel angry and sad and I cried a lot because of you. But now you make me smile. You laugh and I laugh and we have fun together. You want to be with me and I want to be with you. We belong together,” he said with complete conviction and an emotion I hadn’t heard in his voice before.

“You think we belong together?” I asked weakly.

Flynn nodded, dropping his eyes to his fingers that were tunneling through the sand. If I wasn’t such a mess, I’d be thrilled by this huge step for him. He wasn’t recoiling. He was purposefully touching the beach beneath him.

“You make me feel good, Ellie. I make you laugh. We’re happy together. That’s all that matters.”

And he was right. That was all that mattered. We had each other.

I loved him. He had given me a life I never dreamed I could have. He had given me connection and belonging and acceptance.

He had become my world.

I leaned over and kissed his cheek and he ducked his head bashfully.

“Can we go back to the hotel now? I want to get a shower. I’ve had enough sand,” Flynn stated, getting to his feet, rubbing his hands on his pants as he tried to get rid of the grains sticking to his palms.

“Let’s go,” I said, getting to my feet.

As I walked behind him, letting him lead us back to the stairs where we had left our shoes I knew that I would follow Flynn Hendrick anywhere.

Flynn had gone straight to the bathroom after we returned to the hotel room. I heard the shower turn on and I knew he’d be in there for a while. Flynn was not a quick clean kind of guy.

I had wiped Murphy down with a towel and patted his bed so he wouldn’t jump up on ours. He listened obediently; curling into a ball and promptly began snoring his big, doggie snores.

I opened my tattered suitcase and pulled out a pair of pajama shorts and tank top. I needed to shower. I was feeling pretty gross from the sand and salt. But I had to wait until Flynn deemed himself clean enough to get out.

I thought about him naked and wet only a few feet away and I felt myself flush and my body began to buzz. It had been a long time since I had sex. It wasn’t something I had ever spent a lot of time thinking about.

But now, as I fell deeper and deeper in love with Flynn, I found that I thought about it…all the time.

What I wouldn’t give to open the door and climb into that shower behind him but I knew that was absolutely out of the question.

I looked over at the large bed that we would be sharing. We had slept in the same bed for weeks now and I had carefully kept a lid on my sexual desires. But it was becoming harder and harder to do that. Going slow had never been my strong suit. And I was starting to feel if I went any slower I’d be dead.

Sex had only ever been just sex. It had never meant anything. Sure when I was a kid I thought that by sleeping with Shane and a few other faceless guys that they would care about me. That I would matter.

Even when they had ultimately rejected me after getting what they wanted, my pride had been hurt more than anything else. Because I may have let them into my body but I had never let them into my heart.

But Flynn had dug down deep. I knew that if he ever rejected me, moving on wouldn’t be an option.

I wanted to give him my body. I wanted us to connect physically just as we had connected in every other way.

I needed it.

I craved it.

My mind started to go a million miles a minute, thinking about Flynn touching me. Taking off my clothes. Kissing every part of me.

By the time he came out from his shower, steam billowing into the room, dressed in his flannel sleep pants and usual T-shirt, I practically pushed passed him to get into the bathroom, closing the door behind me.

I turned on the shower a little cooler than was comfortable. I needed to calm down before I lost all sense of reason. Attraction and lust were powerful emotions. But love trumped them all. It was impossible to turn your back on that.

It claimed you.

My teeth were chattering by the time I got out of the shower, my skin pruning. But it worked. I wasn’t a raging ball of crazy physical desire anymore. And that was almost depressing.

When I came out of the bathroom, I found Flynn sitting on the bed, looking out at the sea. I had opened the window earlier so we could hear the pounding surf and for once he hadn’t complained.

The waves matching the rhythm of my heart as I looked at the man who had come to be my everything.

I sat down beside him, brushing my side against his. He tensed for a moment but then relaxed.

We were quiet for a long time, which had quickly become our norm.

Flynn fiddled with the drawstring of his pants, his dark head bowed. I wish I knew what he was thinking about. But my mind reading skills sucked.

But I wouldn’t have to wait long to hear what was troubling him.

“I’ve never,” he said softly, his shoulders tense. I blinked in surprise by his strange statement.

“You’ve never what?” I asked him.

“Had sex,” he said shortly, his voice, typically so flat and unemotional held a depth of feeling that made me dizzy.

Clearly we were on the same page and I hadn’t realized it. I had thought I was alone with my overwhelming urges but obviously Flynn had been thinking about it as much as I had.

It wasn’t a shock that he was a virgin. Hell, he hadn’t kissed anyone until a few months ago. But I was scared to be his first. That was a huge responsibility. What if I wasn’t gentle enough? What if he hated it? What if I messed up so badly he never wanted to have sex again?

Oh god, that was a horrible thought.

And that was a lot of pressure for a girl like me to handle. Staring down at his downturned head, I knew he wanted this experience with me. We were sharing so many firsts together. First walk in the sand, first kiss, first love.

This was just one more first to add to the ever growing list.

I wanted to touch him. I wanted to take his hand and make this awkwardness go away. I wanted to make this easier for him. For me too. Because I was a nervous wreck.

I cleared my throat, my mouth dry. “It’s okay,” I began, not wanting to push him, but Flynn cut me off.

“I don’t know what I’m doing. I won’t be good. You’ll hate it,” he muttered and I watched in disappointment as he started to rub his hands together.

He was upset. He was close to hitting or throwing something. The tension rolled off him in waves like the ones crashing on the beach.

“Stop it,” I said a little more tersely than I meant to. I reached out and stopped myself before grabbing a hold of his hands.

His obvious discomfort was exacerbating my own nerves.

I wasn’t the virgin in the room. So why was I the one shaking like a girl on prom night?

Because Flynn made me feel innocent and untouched. Because being with him for the first time would make me forget that there was anyone else before him.

Because with him there was no one else.

He was still rubbing his hands. He would rub his skin raw with the ferocity.

“I can’t do this, Ellie. I don’t know what I’m doing.” Flynn’s voice raised an octave and I wanted to yell at him to stop. I wanted to smack his face and force him to look at me and not give all of his attention to the spot in his lap.

I needed him here with me. Not locked inside his head.

My unreasonable anger was rearing its nasty head and I had to work hard to tamp it down.

“Can I touch you, Flynn?” I asked softly.

Flynn didn’t say anything. He just kept rubbing.

This time I didn’t ask him. I told him what I was going to do.

“I’m going to touch you, Flynn. And you’re going to let me. You’re not going to freak out. You’re not going to get upset. You’re going to feel me and I’m going to feel you and it will be awesome,” I commanded, not leaving any room for argument.

I had tried sweet and gentle. Now it was time to be Ellie McCallum. And Ellie McCallum took over.

I grabbed one of his hands and covered it with mine. I laced my fingers through his, pressing my palm into the back of his hand.

Flynn’s entire body was taut. I noticed the tick in his jaw as he gnawed at his bottom lip.

I rubbed his hand with my thumb. Slow, purposeful movements repeated over and over again. I forced my own tension to subside. I relaxed my shoulders and made my entire body loosen up. Loose as a goose, Ellie, I said to myself.

“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, Flynn. I’m not going to force you. I won’t steal your virtue, I promise,” I teased, trying to lighten the heavy mood, though I knew my efforts at humor would be lost on him.

Flynn’s body shook with fine tremors and I was beginning to think this trip was a bad idea. He wasn’t ready. Hell, I wasn’t sure I was ready. We were two fucked up people walking around blind, hoping we wouldn’t bump into shit.

There were never two people more ill suited for a relationship than us. We were all wrong. We didn’t have a chance.

And that made me want to fight for it even harder.

Being with Flynn had unleashed the gladiator inside me. Long gone was the girl who would sit idly by and accept her fate. The old Ellie had died the day Flynn had walked into JAC’s.

Flynn had come back into my life at the exact moment I needed him to. I had been on the cusp of something monumental. I could have gone either way. I could move forward, or I could have stayed stuck.

He motivated me to move forward. And I would do right by him.

By us.

How had this man that I had blamed so long for all the bad in my life become something integral? Something essential?

We both wanted to leave our pasts. We had carried on with our lives hoping the pain was over.

But the pain had also brought me him.

And I loved the pain.

I’d never let it go.

“We can just be here…together,” I said quietly, lightly squeezing our joined hands.

Flynn’s fingers were limp beneath mine and in slow increments, he began to sag. He let out a long, noisy breath and shook his shaggy hair out of his face.

“I want to, Ellie. I want to touch you. I want to feel you. I want to know what it’s like to be naked with you,” he said simply, speaking in his short, halting way.

I swallowed thickly. “Okay,” I squeaked out. And that buzzing in my body that I had drowned out in my ice cold shower, blazed to life again.

Flynn lifted his head and looked at me. And like every time I was rewarded with a glimpse of his beautiful, green eyes, my heart stopped.

“Can I touch you?” he asked. My eyes widened marginally.

He never asked me that. I felt our roles suddenly reversing. It was unnerving but exciting.

I nodded, stilling as he lifted his hand and slowly, carefully placed his fingers on the side of my neck. I tried not to squirm.

He stared at my face, as though to make sure he was doing was okay. I didn’t move. I bit down on my lip as his palm pressed into my skin, his fingers curling up into the heavy layers of my hair.

“I like your hair when it’s normal. I hated all the colors,” he said. I smiled, knowing all too well how much he hated it when I used to dye it in high school.

“Keep it like this,” he demanded, sounding almost angry.

He pulled his other hand out from underneath mine and ran a finger along the seam of my lips. I wanted to close my eyes; the light brushes of his fingers almost my undoing.

But I couldn’t stop watching him as he explored my skin. So gently. And with such heart melting resolve.

“I won’t change it, I promise,” I told him.

Flynn’s beautiful face relaxed and he smiled and it lit up the room.

“You’re so beautiful,” he said firmly, as though I would argue with him. How could I argue with him when he said it with absolute conviction?

And then his mouth was on mine and I had barely any time to register what was happening before he pulled away again, just like he had done on the beach. He was panting, his cheeks red. He dropped his hands from the side of my neck and looked down into his lap again.

What the hell had just happened?

“It’s okay,” I told him. Kissing Flynn was a unique experience and no two kisses were ever the same.

The one he had just planted on my mouth was bruising and harsh and extremely conflicted.

Flynn shook his head and he started to rub his hands again. This time I grabbed ahold of them without waiting for permission. I brought his fingers up to my mouth and kissed them lightly.

His hands trembled beneath my lips.

“It’s okay,” I told him again.

He nodded and I put his palms to my face. With his head still bent low, he cupped my cheeks.

“It’s not okay. I want to touch you. It just feels…strange,” he said, frowning.

“We can take it slow. We don’t have to do this right now. We have all the time in the world to be together, Flynn. I’m not going anywhere.” I felt it important to stress that. I wasn’t going anywhere. Not now.

Flynn pushed his hair back from his face and looked into my eyes again, as though he were forcing himself to meet my gaze head on.

“I’ve never wanted to have sex before. I’ve never wanted to touch anyone. I want to touch you, Ellie. I want you to touch me. You just have to let me get used to this,” he said, fidgeting.

I laughed and Flynn watched my mouth, his own lips turning up in a smile.

“I’m funny?” he asked.

I covered my face with my hands and tried to get myself under control. Taking a deep breath, I shook my head.

“No, you’re perfect, Flynn. Just as you are.” And I meant it. After all these years, I knew that who he was, limitations and all, was everything I had ever wanted.

How had I not seen that before?

Shit, here came the waterworks again! Enough already!

Tears were useless. They accomplished nothing.

But they continued to fall anyway.

But they weren’t the tears of the broken. These were the tears of someone being put back together.

Flynn, his eyes never leaving mine, grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head. He dropped it on the floor, his chest rising and falling rapidly.

“Crap,” I muttered under my breath as I took in the sight of his naked and very toned chest. I couldn’t help myself. I reached out and touched the skin of his abdomen. His muscles quivered beneath my fingers as I softly traced a line along the length of his stomach.

“That tickles,” he said, sounding strained.

I flattened my palm, feeling his warmth radiate up my arm.

“Are you going to take yours off?” Flynn asked and I had to chuckle.

“Would you like me to?” I asked coyly.

Flynn cocked his head to the side, his gaze falling to my chest. His eyes burning holes through my shirt.

“I want you to,” Flynn murmured, his voice cracking as he watched me slowly lift my shirt over my head and join his on the floor.

Flynn’s fingers flexed and then came out to cup my breast. He really did have a thing for my boobs.

He groaned deep and low in his throat and I felt the warmth build between my legs.

Knowing I shouldn’t push him, but unable to stand it a moment longer, I wiggled onto his lap and straddled him. Flynn’s eyes widened and then his mouth went slack as I pressed down onto the erection I felt beneath his jeans.

“That feels really good,” he rasped. I grinned at the euphoric look on his face. I felt powerful and feminine and loved. Being held by Flynn like this was the most erotic experience of my life and we were still mostly clothed.

His lips found the space between my breasts and he kissed me lightly. I shivered at the feather light touch of his mouth. His tongue tentatively licked the skin and I started to squirm as he squeezed and kneaded my breast.

Slowly and with a growing confidence, Flynn began to explore my body. I simultaneously wanted to slow things down and speed them up. I was on fire, being consumed, and Flynn was torturous in my destruction.

Passion had opened me up to a side of Flynn I hadn’t known existed. He became someone else. He was sure. He was steady. He moved his hands and his mouth as though he couldn’t get enough of me.

He told me I was beautiful in short, broken sentences. He stirred up feelings that I would never be able to push away again.

After a time, Flynn removed my pants, followed by his. It took him a while but we were finally naked together. Our breaths were shallow; my heart beat loud in my ears.

We didn’t say a word. We were lost in the sensations of touching and tasting each other.

“Am I doing this right?” Flynn asked after he had started to touch between my legs. He was careful and deliberate, stroking and rubbing with just enough pressure to make my insides turn to jelly.

“Yes,” I moaned as he slowly pushed a finger inside me.

This went on for hours or it could have been only minutes. I had lost track of everything, even time, as Flynn touched me.

Making love with Flynn was unlike anything I had ever experienced. It wasn’t rushed. It wasn’t awkward. Even as he fumbled with the condom. Not sure how to put it on I ended up having to take over, which we both enjoyed thoroughly.

It was his first time so it didn’t last that long. But in those few blissful moments, I felt closer to him than I had ever been with anyone else.

I had been right. What we shared was so much more than sex.

It was an intimacy that came from baring your heart to someone you knew would take care of it.

And he looked at me. Really looked at me. He didn’t hide his face. Our eyes connected and clung to each other just as our bodies clenched together tightly. There was no disappearing. There was no denying what this was.

It was love.

Pure and simple and completely complicated love.

The need to tell him burned my throat; my eyes glassing over with unshed tears as he pressed into me.

But I kept silent. Because words weren’t necessary. The truth was in the way we touched. The way we moved. The way our eyes never looked anywhere but at each other.

Speaking it out loud would only encumber the honesty that couldn’t be communicated with words.

“Flynn…” I said on a sigh, handing him my soul on the breath of his name. He rested his lips in the hollow of my throat, his hands gripping me tightly; sweat drying on our skin as we came back to earth.

I loved him.

I did.

I had never loved anyone before but now I loved with my whole being.

It split me open.

My guts spilled out on the floor at Flynn’s feet.

He owned me. Completely.

There was no coming back from this.

Flynn had reclaimed me.

-Flynn-

Many years ago…

I didn’t talk to Ellie anymore.

She was trying to say something to me in English class and I told her to shut up. Her hair was blue again.

I hated it.

I hated her.

She hurt me.

Her friends called me tard boy when I got to school this morning.

Ellie laughed too but then she said she was sorry to me later.

She always hurt me.

I was tired of feeling sad.

Mom said she wasn’t a real friend and this time I didn’t get mad.

Ellie wasn’t my friend.

She was mean.

I didn’t like mean people.

Why did my chest hurt?

“Please, just talk to me, Flynn!”

I didn’t want to talk to Ellie.

But she was looking sad and I didn’t like her to be sad, like I was sad.

I had to go to the cafeteria and eat my lunch before Stu took it. I was hungry. Mom had packed me chicken salad. It was my favorite.

“I’m sorry! Can I come over?” she asked.

I liked her coming to my house. It made me happy. She wasn’t mean when she was at my house.

“There’s the freak! Freaky Flynn!” Dania yelled and Ellie laughed. She looked at me and her face looked funny.

I got mad.

“You can’t come over! I hate you!” I yelled to Ellie and turned around and ran down the hallway.

I was sad when I went home. I didn’t eat any banana bread and Mom said she was worried about me.

I told her about Ellie and she got upset. She said she was going to call the school and make them do something.

I told her not to.

I didn’t want Ellie to get into trouble.

I told Ellie I hated her but I didn’t hate her.

She still made my stomach feel funny but now she made me sad all the time.

She never laughed anymore.

Mom said she wanted to call the principal. That maybe he could help me. That he’d make sure Stu and Dania and Ellie couldn’t be mean to me anymore.

I liked the sound of that.

I didn’t want Ellie to get into trouble but I didn’t want them being mean to me either.

I said okay. And Mom smiled. She said she’d handle it.

Mom was yelling at me to get up. She was shaking me and I hit her to make her stop.

“Flynn! We have to get out of the house!” she yelled.

I opened my eyes and my room was full of smoke. I started coughing and my eyes stung. It smelled bad. Like when Mom would burn the pot roast.

“Hurry up, Flynn! The house is on fire!” she yelled, shaking me again.

I didn’t like her shaking me but I was scared. The house was on fire. The smoke was bad. I couldn’t breathe.

I coughed and coughed and coughed.

Mom pushed open my door and the smoke was worse in the hallway.

I started crying.

“Where’s Marty?” I yelled but Mom kept telling me to go down the stairs and get outside.

Where was my dog? Where was Marty?

I cried harder and yelled at Mom to find Marty.

She was crying too. We ran out of the house. I couldn’t breathe. My eyes burned. Mom hugged me and I let her.

“Mom, go get Marty!” I yelled but she kept saying she couldn’t.

The firemen came and started spraying stuff at my house. I yelled at them to get my dog. I was getting really angry that no one was listening to me.

“Where’s my dog?” I screamed and Mom tried to hug me again. I pushed her and she fell.

One of the firemen tried to pull me back and I tried to hit him.

“You need to calm down, young man. And don’t hit your mother,” he said. He was scary with his helmet on.

“He has Asperger’s. He doesn’t understand what he’s doing,” my mom said to the firefighter. He looked at me. I didn’t want him to look at me.

I knew what I was doing. I was mad. I wanted to hit them for not getting my dog.

Mom was crying, telling me it would be okay.

I just wanted my dog.

Someone told Mom that it looked like the fire had been set on purpose. Mom started crying harder.

No one ever got my dog.

Mom said he had gone to heaven with my dad. That they’d play together now.

I didn’t want my dad to have Marty in heaven! I wanted him here!

I yelled and got angry but I didn’t hit her. I didn’t want the fireman to yell at me again.

Marty was dead.

My house had been burned down.

I cried all night until Mom took me to a hotel.