Текст книги "Sweet Nothing"

Автор книги: Teresa Mummert

Соавторы: Jamie McGuire
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Текущая страница: 5 (всего у книги 17 страниц)

“Stop,” Deb demanded.

“I can’t help it.”

“Stop, or I’ll shave off all my body hair and mail it to you.”

I turned around in my chair, noticing her annoyed expression as she waited by the microwave. The break room was full of a strong medley of smells, none of them appetizing. I was chomping on my PB & J and apple slices, the only thing in my cabinets that would keep until lunch. Deb was heating up what looked like a plastic replica of broccoli, chicken, mashed potatoes, and gravy, and Michaels was sipping on a Diet Coke in the corner.

I hadn’t seen outside in over an hour, but the last time I’d looked, the sky was dark and rain was soaking the parking lot and pouring off the awning that hung over the ambulance bay like a waterfall. I wondered if Josh was working out in the weather, and if he would feel like seeing me after being out in the muggy wet all day.

“I can see you thinking about him,” Deb said in an accusatory tone.

“He’s helping me with a car.” My frown turned into a wide grin. “Who does that? I’m going to have transportation again in a month, maybe two. Until then—”

“You dirty little slut,” Deb said, sitting across from me at one of the five round tables in the west break room. The wallpaper reminded me of Step-Down and waking up after the accident. That only made me think of Josh more. I was annoying myself.

She leaned in like I was going to reveal a juicy secret. “That’s why you didn’t call me for a ride. He took you to work today, didn’t he?”

“I … none of your business.”

“Road head?”

My face screwed into disgust, and I peeked over at Michaels. She was pretending not to eavesdrop, but everyone knew she had been one of the first nurses in the department to welcome Josh to Philadelphia … with her vagina. “Deb. Jesus.”

She rolled her eyes. “How did I befriend such a prude? At least a good-night kiss?”

“No.”

“No?” Her voice went up an octave. “Give me something. You’re boring me to death. I can’t even have a decent sex life vicariously through you.”

“What about you and Quinn? Did he call?” I asked, hoping she’d change the subject.

“Maybe,” she said. It was a pitiful segue into a detailed reproduction of their phone call, complete with inappropriate jokes and innuendo. The longer she talked, the more I knew they were made for each other.

In truth, I was glad I didn’t have to recount the last moments of my night with Josh. Deb wouldn’t have understood, anyway. It had been wonderful, and quiet, and exciting, and from the moment we left until he walked with me to the stoop of my apartment building, a million butterflies had burst from their cocoons and fluttered around in my entire body, hairline to toe polish. In one night, Josh Avery had transformed from the hospital hustler into what I had been waiting for. We hadn’t had time to kiss because we’d hugged, his cheek had touched mine, and words had tumbled out of his mouth like he couldn’t keep them in any longer. Seven words that would change everything.

I need to see you again. Tomorrow.

I’d said yes, and then he’d turned around, got in his car, and pulled away. He had seemed just as surprised by his request as I had been. When I’d finally processed what had happened, his brake lights had already turned the corner.

Josh hadn’t said he wanted to see me. Anyone could say that, and it would be sweet. No, he needed to see me, just like he’d needed to say it before it burst out of him like water from a broken levy.

“So,” Deb said, “I told him he was a narcissist. I could shart on stage at the Merriam Theater in front of the entire hospital board and it would somehow be about him. But I dunno, I kind of like it,” Deb said, resting her chin on her hand.

“Romantic,” I said.

“Speaking of romantic, did you fuck him?”

“Deb!”

“Spill it!”

“No,” I said through my teeth. Thankfully, Michaels was only on her fifteen-minute break and on her way out.

“How many times did you have to slap his hand away?”

“None.”

“None?”

“No, Deb. He was a perfect gentleman.”

“Man. That sucks, Avery. I’m sorry.”

I sighed, already regretting my next question. We were alone, so it was a good time to pick her perverted, twisted mind. “Why would you be sorry?”

“Well,” she hesitated. “I know you’re sort of into him, and …”

“And what?”

“He doesn’t … You know I tell you straight, Avery.”

“Just say it!”

“He doesn’t seem to be that into you,” she blurted out.

I sat up. “What makes you say that? Did Quinn say something to you?”

“No, but he didn’t even attempt to sleep with you, and he’s slept with Carissa Ashton. I mean, dear God. That’s like dipping your stick into a rancid whale. It’s not even that she’s fat, because—” she ran her hands over her own enormous breasts “—you know I feel sorry for you skinny bitches with no curves. But Ashton’s a heinous bitch and fat. Do you know why McHale was fired? Ashton told McHale she’d take her shift and then didn’t show and claimed not to know what McHale was talking about. McHale just smiled at Josh. Just smiled. Ashton got her fired for that. She’s a jealous, weeping, rotten cun—”

“Deb! Stop!” I snapped.

She was taken aback. “I call people names, Avery. You know it’s my thing. I enjoy it. I—”

“No. Stop talking about Josh and the other nurses.”

“Wow, I mean … I’m sorry. I didn’t realize how much you liked him. Already.”

“We’re going out again, okay? Just because he didn’t one-night me, doesn’t mean he’s not interested. Can we please just drop it?”

She grinned. “He asked you out again already? That’s good, right?”

“Yes,” I breathed. “Yes. It’s very good.”

A deep voice spoke behind me. “Well, that’s a relief.”

I winced. Josh’s fingers cupped my shoulders and sunk in just enough to massage my sore muscles. I didn’t dare turn around. My cheeks caught fire and my eyes glossed over. How much did he hear?

Deb nodded once and then looked up with her fakest smile. “We were just finishing up.”

“Me too,” Josh said. He didn’t sound offended or creeped out, both good signs, but not enough for me to turn around. “Just thought I’d stop in and say hi.”

I didn’t respond. My brain couldn’t form a single syllable.

“Pick you up at eight thirty?” he asked.

“Yes,” I managed to say without vomiting all over my shoes. “Sounds … sounds great.” I closed my eyes tight, grateful he was behind me and couldn’t see the mortification on my face.

He pecked the top of my hair and then Deb nodded, signaling he was gone.

Deb raised an eyebrow. “He seems awfully handsy for not even getting a good-night kiss.”

“You couldn’t warn me?” I whined.

She held up her hands. “I honestly didn’t hear him. The door is propped open. Anyway, he looked absolutely thrilled about what you said. You should have seen the shit-eating grin on his face. And I was wrong. He definitely likes you. Josh Avery doesn’t go looking for nurses. He … shit,” she whispered, sitting up and smoothing her face.

“He … shit?” I asked.

“Doc Rose,” she mouthed.

“Avery,” Dr. Rosenberg said, setting a white box on the table. He removed a pair of chopsticks and a napkin from a long, translucent package.

He opened the box, and a waft of steam and soy sauce filled the room. Doctors had their own lounge, so it wasn’t typical for him to be rubbing elbows with the peasants.

“That looks much better than the rubber chicken I’m having,” Deb said, standing to retrieve her frozen entrée from the microwave.

“Have you noticed any soreness or experienced any headaches since the accident?” He reached over, gently massaging my shoulder near my neck. I stiffened. “You seem to be just fine, but I worry you’re not complaining so you don’t miss work.”

He looked down on me with his big blue eyes, which set off the specks of silver in the patch of hair above his ears. He was so beautiful, like he just played a doctor on TV. Once I might have stumbled over my answer, but he didn’t make me nervous anymore. I shrugged away from his touch. “Just the first week. Thanks for checking on me.”

He glanced over his shoulder and then looked back at me, keeping his voice low. “I’ve been worried about you a lot, actually. I apologize if I’m overstepping, but I’ve heard some whispers that you and one of the paramedics have started spending time together, and—”

“Dr. Rosenberg,” I interrupted. “I really don’t think we should be—”

“I understand,” he said with a wink. That move would have made me giddy once. Now it made me want to cringe. “But guys talk. I consider you a friend. We’ve worked together almost two years now, and … I just don’t want to see you get hurt. Josh Avery has built quite the reputation in his short time here. Just … be careful. I care about you.”

I realized my mouth was hanging open, and I snapped it shut. Dr. Rosenberg had always been on a friendlier basis with me than the other nurses, but this didn’t feel friendly. “Thank you,” I said. I blinked and righted my posture as Deb joined us.

Dr. Rosenberg checked his watch. “Oops. I forgot a meeting. Enjoy your chicken, Hamata.” He stood, gathered his things, and left us alone.

Deb swallowed, clearly unsettled.

“What?” I asked.

“Ever notice that you’re the only nurse he calls by your first name?”

“Yeah? So?”

“Never mind,” she said, taking a bite. “It’s just that,” she continued with a mouthful, “he really seems to be interested in your new friendship with Josh, and he’s been chatty since your accident, and when you were brought in he …” She hesitated, and I raised my eyebrows. “He might have excused himself from the exam room because he was too upset.”

“Too upset? Are you serious?”

“He’s been weird. I think he’s realized he has feelings for you, and now you’re dating Josh.”

I rolled my eyes and sat back in my chair. “You are way off, Hamata. No reason to make things up for the sake of drama.”

She seemed hurt. “You know me better than that.”

“Maybe the accident did make him realize we’re good friends and close colleagues, and now that he knows I’m talking to Josh, he’s concerned. And he should be. Josh does have a reputation. Dr. Rosenberg has teenage daughters, Deb. He watches out for me. I think it’s nice.”

“You have him on a pedestal, and he’s going to fall on his ass and break your naïve little heart. But at least it will be amusing.”

A few more nurses and an MRI tech came in, and Deb shoved the last two bites of her lunch into her mouth. “Break’s over. Back to work.”

“Don’t share your theory with anyone, okay? Apparently, there is already talk about me.”

“That offends me, Avery. Seriously,” she said, walking out.

I stood alone, fidgeting. I’d never made Deb mad before. I didn’t know it was possible.

She popped her head back in. “Just kidding. I’m glad you said something. I was gonna tell everyone that Doc Rose wants to put you in stirrups and bang you until you scream Papa.”

“Hate you,” I said, following her out.

The rest of the day dragged on. Josh and Quinn brought a patient in once, but the moment Josh and I were both free to talk, he got another call.

He kissed me on the cheek before he left, starting a fury of chatter from the other nurses. The moment Ashton got wind of it, she was immediately too far inside my personal space.

Just after I finished giving report, she was twirling her hair, trying so hard to be casual. “So,” she said, a Cheshire grin on her face. “You and Josh.”

“No,” I replied.

“No? So it’s not true? He didn’t kiss you?”

“No,” I said again.

She sighed, relieved. “That’s good because, you know, we’ve been talking for several months, and I’d hate for you to have my sloppy seconds, if you know what I mean.”

“I mean no, I’m not discussing personal matters with you. And, I hate to break this to you, Ashton,” I said, scribbling on a chart. I slammed it shut and looked at her. “You were sloppy seconds. Every nurse in Philly who’s slept with Josh Avery is sloppy seconds.”

She puffed up and pursed her lips, her chubby cheeks reddening. “If you like him, I’m sorry. Josh is Josh. He is charismatic by nature, and it comes across as flirty. But we’ve been talking since he came here. You don’t have to be a jealous bitch about it.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Watch yourself, Ashton. You’re at work.”

“I’m your superior.”

“You still can’t call me a bitch at work.”

The ER doors slid open with a whoosh, and Ashton’s expression changed.

“Josh!” she said with a flustered smile, rocking back on her heels.

“Hey, Ashton.” He smiled down at me. “You ready?”

“Yeah, just let me finish up this last chart,” I said, pulling a large brown folder.

“Um …” Ashton began, fidgeting with her hair. “What’s going on?”

Josh didn’t flinch. “I’m taking Avery out tonight.”

Ashton blinked, her face taut. “What the hell do you mean you’re taking Avery out tonight? We were just talking about going out last night.”

Josh sighed. “No, you were talking about going out. I told you no.”

“You didn’t tell me about Avery,” she whined.

“Wow, this is getting too Days of Our Lives in here,” I said, shutting the chart. I looked at Josh. “Can we go?”

“Yep,” he said, putting his hand on the small of my back as we walked toward the locker room.

He stopped just outside while I went in to retrieve my purse and wash my hands. When I came out, Ashton was standing in front of him, tears in her eyes.

“Really?” I said to Josh.

“Carissa, I don’t know how more clearly to say it. I’ve been saying it for four months.”

“Saying what? I don’t understand.”

“It happened once. If I’d known you couldn’t let it go, it wouldn’t have happened at all. I’m just going to say this one last time: I’m not interested in a relationship with you. Please stop contacting me.”

Ashton puffed out her chest again, taken aback. Her mouth trembled, and then she glared at me before stomping off.

Josh raised his eyebrows and then formed his mouth in an O shape before blowing out. “She’s different.”

“Sounds like you broke her heart.”

“I told her before we went to her place—which is filthy and smells like baba ganoush, by the way—that I wasn’t looking for a relationship. She said she wasn’t, either.”

“No one has accused Ashton of being rational.”

“You’re rational, and sensible, and selective … I kind of like that about you.”

I chuckled. “That sounds so boring.”

“Definitely not boring,” he said, opening the passenger side door.

He drove us to an apartment building just three blocks from mine. When he shut off the engine, I reached for the lever but hesitated. “Is this your place?” I asked.

“It is. I just need to grab my wallet. I was in a hurry.” He flashed what I was sure was his most charming grin, and then he pushed out of the car and jogged around to my side, opening my door. “You don’t have to come in if it makes you uncomfortable.”

“Does your apartment smell like baba ganoush?” I asked.

He laughed. “No.”

He took my hand and held it until we reached the front stoop, seeming disappointed to let go. He started to use his key, but the door swung open.

“Oh!” a woman said. She wasn’t much younger than me, with a dirty blonde bob and thick glasses.

“Good timing,” Josh said.

“Who’s this?” she said, stepping aside so we could walk in.

“This,” Josh said, gesturing to me proudly, “is Avery Jacobs.”

“Nurse?” Cinda asked, pushing up her glasses.

Josh chuckled, looking down for a second. “Yes, she’s a nurse.”

Cinda nodded. “Nice to meet you. Your fur baby has been checked on thrice, walked, played with, and I’m sorry to report, he barfed in your kitchen.”

Josh made a face. “What did you feed him?”

“I cannot confirm nor deny that I am now out of Cajun-style deli meat.”

“Cinda, I told you he can’t handle that shit.”

She suppressed a giggle. “But he loves it so much! You can’t even tell. I bleached your entire floor and ventilated your apartment. I also did your dishes, because … gross.”

Josh seemed confused. “I didn’t have any dishes in the sink.”

She thought about it. “Maybe that was someone else’s dishes. You all run together. I’m heading out for work.”

“Babysitting the Ramsey twins still?”

“They haven’t killed me yet,” she said as she passed.

Josh shut the door and grabbed my hand again, leading me up two flights of stairs to the second door on the right. He grabbed the knob. “This is me.” He motioned across the hall. “That’s Cinda. I always know she’s home because of the kids screaming.”

“Her kids?” I asked, alarmed.

“No.” He chuckled. “No, Cinda is a professional babysitter. She’s always busy. If she’s home, she has somebody’s kids with her. Even at night. She makes a killing,” he said, pushing open his door. “She also sits for me because I’m gone so much. I probably shouldn’t have gotten a dog, but Quinn didn’t want him, and it seemed like a Good Samaritan thing to do at the time …” His voice trailed off as he opened the door to his apartment.

His apartment was blank like mine, just a ratty couch, recliner, and hutch in the living room. I breathed in, and instead of chicken vomit or baba ganoush, I smelled bleach, mint, and Josh’s cologne.

“Lived here long?” I asked.

“Nope. Just a few months. I had to find something quick so I could stop couch surfing.”

“And why is that?” I asked.

“Why was I couch surfing?”

I nodded.

“Because I’d just moved to town.”

“Why?”

“Damn.” He grinned. “Didn’t know this was going to turn into the Spanish Inquisition.”

I clutched my arms. The air conditioning was on full blast. “I’m alone with you in your apartment. I think I’m entitled to the basics.”

“You cold?” he asked.

“It feels like a meat locker in here.”

“I sleep better that way.”

“How do you afford the bill?” I asked.

Josh disappeared into a doorway and then came out holding a gray hoodie. He tossed it to me. “Put it on. It’s really warm.”

I looked down. “I don’t think you want it against my scrubs.”

“C’mon, like I don’t get lathered in bodily fluids all day? It’ll buff out. Put it on before you freeze.”

“Buff out? That’s an odd thing to say.”

He shrugged. “Like buffing a scratch from a car. My dad used to always say it for everything. We’re gearheads. I get elbow deep in grease on a regular basis. It relaxes me. Clears my head.”

I slipped the hoodie over my head. A green Adidas logo was stamped on the front, and it happened to be the softest thing I’d even worn. “God, this is amazing.”

“Isn’t it? It’s my favorite.”

The gesture wasn’t lost on me that he’d handed me his favorite sweatshirt to wear. “I’ll get it back to you after I wash it.”

“No rush … There you are!” he said, grabbing his wallet off the hutch and stuffing it into his back pocket.

“Now we can go. Sorry about that.” He called his dog, reaching down to pet him.

“That’s an awful name. Sounds like a serial killer,” I said.

Josh feigned offense. “You don’t like it? Okay, you name him, then.”

“What? No. I just meant …”

Josh stood, crossing his arms. “I’m serious. Give him a better name if you don’t like it.”

“Like a nickname?”

“Yeah. I’m still calling him …” Tiny whimpers came from the floor, and I bent over to run my fingers through coarse black and brown hair. “Didi,” I said. “That’s close enough to what he’s used to, so I don’t confuse him.”

Josh wrinkled his nose. “He’s a boy, Avery.”

“Fine, just Dee, then.”

“Dee it is,” Josh said, bending over to ruffle the hair on Dee’s head. “I’ll be back later.”

Dee whined when we approached the door.

My mouth curved down. He looked so lonely, and I knew exactly how that felt. “You just got home. Maybe we should stay here?”

“You sure?” he asked.

“Yeah, we can have JayWok deliver and watch a movie.”

Josh shook his head. “No movies. I’m kind of enjoying the inquisition.” He jogged back to the door, opened it, and then grabbed his phone. The dog wiggled its butt against Josh’s ankles again, and then ran over to me. I picked him up and sat on the couch.

“Hey, it’s Josh.”

I smiled. Josh called them as much as I did. “The same for me, and Avery’s over here. Yeah, chicken fried rice and low-sodium soy.” He gestured to me, making sure that was all right. I nodded. “Delivery. Thanks, Coco.”

“If I still had a car,” I said, “I’d ask you to teach me to change my oil. That would save me a ton of money.”

He shrugged. “I can do it. I don’t mind.”

I looked at him, unimpressed. “I need you to teach me, that way I can do it on my own when you tell me you’re not interested in a relationship.”

He looked around his apartment and then walked over to me, sitting on the cushion next to me. “Hadn’t crossed my mind, actually.”

“Right,” I deadpanned.

I wasn’t about to feign naïvety just to make Josh feel better. I had to at least protect my dignity, if not my pride. Knowing what the other nurses were thinking, seeing us chatting and making plans when he delivered patients to the ER, was hard enough. I had been one of those nurses once, making bets with Deb on how many drinks it would take Josh to get a particular nurse into bed, and how many days she would cry after.

Work would be easier later if I played this right.

“I thought we weren’t going to do that,” he said, unhappy.

“Do what?”

“Play games.”

“I recall you saying play nice. Technically, that’s playing something.”

“That’s not what I meant. You know,” he said, shifting uncomfortably. “Like you said, let’s be brave. Balls out. No back and forth, no anticipation of the other person’s next move. Let’s cut through all the bullshit and just be honest without worrying we sound too … anything.”

“Okay,” I said, unsure.

“I like you,” he admitted. “A lot. I was attracted to you before the accident, but since, everything’s changed. I want to get to know you better, but I’ve been sort of a dick since I got here, and I’m fairly certain you don’t believe a word that comes out of my mouth.”

“No, but you oversharing is mildly entertaining. Tell me more.”

He smiled. “You look exceptionally beautiful in my hoodie. Avery?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Um, sure.” I cringed at how awkward I sounded.

He raked his fingers gently into my hair at the nape of my neck and leaned in. I closed my eyes, and then I heard whimpering. Dee jumped up, licking and nibbling my chin.

I squealed, leaning back and wiping my chin with the hoodie sleeve.

“C’mon!” Josh said, chuckling while he set the wirehaired dog on the floor.

“He missed you,” I said.

He shook his head, pointing to the ball of fur. “No, no,” he said, trying not to laugh. He turned to me. “Ask me something.”

“Anything?”

“Almost anything.”

“What can’t I ask?”

“Oh, c’mon!”

“You said to ask you something! At least answer that.”

“I don’t like talking a lot about my past.”

“Join the club.”

“Oh, sweet Avery Jacobs has skeletons?” He smirked.

“Everyone has skeletons. So, pretty much everything is off the table with you.”

“Ask me. I can’t promise I’ll answer now, but I promise to answer later.”

I thought for a minute. “Why did you move to Philly?”

“My grandfather got me a job at LifeNet here.”

I nodded. “Does your grandfather live here?”

“He did when he first married Granny. They moved to Abbottstown when she found out she was pregnant. He had some connections here and said it would be good for me.”

“Why?”

Josh squirmed. “Later.”

I nodded. “Were you always so … charismatic?”

“That’s a nice way to say it. Y’know, it never occurred to me to be embarrassed about it, but sitting with you at the moment, I kind of am.”

“You don’t have to be embarrassed. It’s not like I’m a virgin.”

“You’re not?” I couldn’t discern the look on his face.

My shoulders fell, and I looked at him as if I were bored with his question. “Please. I’m twenty-four. Do you know anyone our age who’s a virgin?”

“Just you.”

I cackled.

He shifted in his seat. “How many?”

“Are you fucking kidding me with that? You don’t ask a woman how many people she’s slept with on the second date.”

“If this were a date, I’d be ashamed of myself. We’re hanging out … getting to know each other. So far, I’ve learned I love it when you curse. It’s hot.”

“Good. My dad had a mouth on him. Damn it was my first sentence.”

“How many?”

“You first.”

“I don’t know,” he said honestly.

“I’m not playing this game if you’re going to cheat.”

He laughed. “I swear to God. I think maybe in the forties. Maybe.”

“You’re a walking STD,” I said.

“Nope. I’m the safest bastard you’ve ever met. I get checked every three months like clockwork.”

“More like a prostitute.”

His mouth fell open. “Easy!”

“Yes, that would definitely qualify you as easy,” I shot back. “Two,” I confessed.

His smile vanished. “Two.”

“Yep. What?”

“I don’t know.” He frowned. “I’m aware of how irrational it is, but I don’t like the thought of you being with someone else.”

“Really? You’re bothered by my single-digit number?”

“I am. Who are they? I might want to Facebook stalk them.”

“You don’t get names. I’m not a pristine virgin. Deal with it.”

His eyebrows pulled even more. “No. I’m feeling genuine anger over here. I’m going to have pretend you’re a virgin.”

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t tell me you’re one of those guys who have slept with half the city but prefer their women untouched.”

“Not at all. I’m just now discovering I might be the jealous type.”

“That was awfully truthy of you.”

“Isn’t that what we’re doing?”

“I guess so,” I said. “What’s in the hutch? It’s locked.”

Josh looked over at the peeling white paint and thought about his answer. “It’s my liquor cabinet. Only for emergencies.”

“What qualifies as an emergency?”

“My mom’s an alcoholic.” He glanced to the hutch. “I’ve only opened that lock twice since I’ve been here. Both were wrecks involving kids. One shot of whiskey was over that car versus train with the toddler in May. I drank two shots for a van-full last month.”

I frowned. “I remember that one. I drank myself to sleep. You only had two shots?”

He shrugged. “I made a deal with myself that I’d only drink in a bar. It sounds stupid, I know. But drinking at home is how it started with my mom.”

“It makes perfect sense, actually.”

Josh looked into my eyes, seeming to appreciate our conversation. He stood after someone buzzed the apartment. He walked over to the small silver square on the wall by the door and pressed the black button, letting them in.

Josh pulled out his wallet, talking to the overgrown puppy scuttling around his feet. A few seconds later, someone knocked on the door and Josh answered.

Jeremy from JayWok’s delivery team stood in the hallway, handing Josh a large white sack. He leaned over, looking past Josh to wave at me. I waved back.

“Thanks, man,” Josh said.

“Coco told me to tell you not to screw this up.”

“Bye, Jeremy.” Josh shut the door, kicked off his shoes, and then returned to the couch.

“You’re two for two,” I said, digging into my box of noodles. “Two great nights so far.”

“My two best nights in Philly since I’ve been here.”

I pressed my lips together, trying not grin like an idiot, and then nodded, looking down at my noodles.

“My turn,” Josh said. “What else do you hate, besides movie talkers and Christmas?”

“Dating douchebags,” I said without hesitation.

“I can fix that, too.”