Текст книги "Sweet Nothing"
Автор книги: Teresa Mummert
Соавторы: Jamie McGuire
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Текущая страница: 15 (всего у книги 17 страниц)
My purse slipped when I snatched it from the kitchen counter and it toppled to the floor. I crouched, picking up sticks of gum and pennies, groaning when it was time to push back up to my feet.
“Let me help,” Josh said.
“I’ve got it,” I growled.
“Can we talk?”
“I just came back for my vitamins, and no, I don’t have time. I picked up a shift today.”
“Picked up a shift? Avery, your anxiety is through the roof. Did Deb check your blood pressure this morning?”
“It’s a little high,” I said, wiping my hair from face. “Let’s not pretend you care.”
“Just hear what I have to say.” He looked so exhausted, so desperate, it was all I could do not to fall into his arms. But I had to be strong for Penny. I had to walk away from a man I couldn’t trust, who didn’t respect me and the promises he’d made, even if that man was Penny’s father.
I walked past Josh into the bedroom, searching in the closet for a pair of scrubs that still fit.
Josh stood in the doorway, watching me change out of my maternity jeans into scrub pants. I slipped the blouse off over my head and pulled on a matching top over the stretched skin of my belly. I reached down, feeling my belly button through my shirt.
Josh smiled, and his bloodshot eyes filled with tears. “I love you.”
I sighed, looking down at my baby bump since I couldn’t see the floor anymore. “Please, don’t. You’re making it harder on me. This was your choice, not mine.”
“You trying so hard not to cry is making me want to hold you even more.”
“I have to be to work in an hour. I can’t do this right now.” I hesitated, knowing I was about to say words that, if Josh obliged, would be the beginning of the end. “I need you to … Penny and I can’t live with Deb. I need you to have your things out by the time I get home.”
He bristled. “What? No, Avery. You’re not even giving this a chance.”
“I gave this a lot of chances.”
“I’m not leaving. You’re not leaving,” Josh said, pacing. “If you’d just let me explain …”
Tears finally spilled over my cheeks. “You can’t. And honestly, I don’t want to listen to you try.” I stood, grabbing my purse off the bed and holding it to my chest. Receipts and my wallet tried to climb out through the zipper, and with trembling fingers, I stuffed them back down.
My eyes felt raw and swollen, and when I stood, cool air kissed the bottom of my burgeoning belly. I yanked down my too-small scrub top.
Josh reached for me, his eyes desperate. “I’ll leave. I go over to Quinn’s, and you can stay here and think. You can’t drive like this, baby, it’s not safe.”
My patience fizzled, and my temper flared. “Oh, now you care about Penny and me?” My face crumbled. “You ruined everything, Josh. I loved you!”
“I don’t know how to make you believe me. I know it looks bad. She came over because her dryer was on the fritz. I mean … she said it was. I don’t know if even that’s true.”
Pressure began to build in my head, and I closed my eyes. “Stop. I can’t hear this. I don’t want to know.”
“You’ll accept the lies you see, but you won’t you accept the truth you hear? Fine, Avery. Look at me. Look at me, and tell me you believe I could ever cheat on you. You don’t believe that. I’ve never touched another woman since I fell in love with you, and I’ve loved you since the beginning. You’ve known all along what Hope’s been up to. If you’re going to leave me, at least do it for something I did. Not over a fucking misunderstanding. I just need five minutes. Just give me five minutes to explain.”
Everything in me wanted to believe him, but I had to trust what I knew, which was the evidence of his past and the lace panties next to our bed. My lips trembled as I spoke, “There comes a point, Josh, where I have to start listening to myself. I can’t stay with you just because I’m in love with you. I have Penny to think about now.”
“Okay,” he said, fidgeting. “I don’t want you to drive upset. We can talk later. I’ll go.”
“You would just love that, wouldn’t you?” I sneered. “To run to her while I’m sitting at home, growing our baby, and she’s feeling so sorry for you for having a crazy wife.” I felt my strength and anger falling away. My chest caved as I sobbed.
“You’re not crazy, Avery. As far as you know, you have a smoking gun. I can see why you’re upset, but Hope left the panties here on purpose. When she came over after you left—”
I sniffed, anger consuming me. “She’s been here since I left?”
“Yes, but—”
“Oh, fuck you and your explanations.” I snatched the keys off the counter and waddled toward the door.
Josh stepped in my way. “I can’t let you leave like this.” He tried to cup my shoulders, but I slapped his hands away. “Okay. Okay, I won’t touch you. Give me your car keys, and I’ll leave.”
“You don’t let me do anything,” I said through my teeth. “And you definitely don’t pretend to give a shit about us when you’ve been fucking the neighbor! Everyone warned me to stay away from you, but I ignored them.” Twin rivers streamed down my cheeks. “Now I’m pregnant, weeks away from having your baby. You had everything you said you’ve ever wanted, Josh! You can’t take this back!”
“You know it’s dangerous for you to drive,” he said, trying to stay calm. He shifted his weight, squaring himself in front of me. “Think about this for a second, Avery. Something’s off. This isn’t right. Reach down deep in your heart and tell me you truly believe I am even capable of fucking everything up that bad.” He watched me, hoping I’d change my mind.
I shook my head, emotionally exhausted. I rubbed my temples.
“Headache?” he asked, sweeping my hair away from my face. Once he realized I wouldn’t fight him, he slowly brought me into his chest. “Let me get you something.”
I shook my head. “No. We’ve talked about this. It’s not good for the baby.”
“Avery. The OBGYN said acetaminophen is fine.”
I shook my head. “No.”
“I’ll get you some water.” He left me for the kitchen, opening the fridge and pulling out a clear bottle. He returned and held it out to me.
I looked down at the water, and then back up at him. “I have to take care of myself now.”
He tilted his head to the side. “Avery. You can’t go to work like this.”
I nodded. “You’re right.” I picked up my phone and called Michaels. She was always willing to take shifts.
“Thank you,” Josh said when I got off the phone.
“I didn’t do it for you. I’m going to Deb’s. I want you gone by the time I get back.”
His expression changed. “I’m not leaving. I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not quitting.”
“This is my apartment.”
“This is our apartment.”
I sighed, my head hurting too much to argue any more.
“Move in with Hope. At least then you and Penny can be close,” I spat. I froze, mortified at my own words. “I didn’t mean that. I’m angry and it just came out.”
Josh’s cheeks flushed.
“It doesn’t matter where you live. You can see Penny whenever you want.”
Josh balled his hand into a fist, slamming it down on the counter. His already battered knuckles split open, spraying blood on the Formica. “You’re not a fucking single mom, Avery. You’re my wife. We’re not doing this! Nothing happened! You’re not thinking straight; you haven’t been for a while. I’ve tried to ignore it, but this is too much. If you leave me, I’m calling the doctor. I’ll tell them about your hallucinations. They’re not going to let you have custody of Penny in the state you’re in.”
My mouth fell open, feeling slapped in the face. “You’re blackmailing me?”
“Whatever it takes,” he said without apology.
“You are a selfish bastard.”
His eyebrows pulled together and he sucked in a breath. A single tear fell down his cheek. “I’ll do whatever I have to do to keep this family together. Once you get some rest, you’ll think this through. You were right about Hope. We can confront her together, if that’s what you want. I can fix this, Avery.”
“No, Josh. This is one thing you can’t fix.”
I turned around, walking toward the door. Josh rushed around me, pressing his palm flat against the metal. “Please?” he begged. “Please, don’t do this.”
“If you hadn’t snuck around with the building whore, I could have asked you that, too, and none of us would be here right now.”
I yanked on the knob, and Josh stepped back, unwilling to physically restrain me. After I slammed the door, Josh opened it again, walking out into the hall. “I’ll be here when you get back. I love you. Be careful.”
I trotted down the stairs, wiping my eyes and shoving through the lower door. I stood on the stoop, looking around, watching the world go on as if mine hadn’t ended.
The Dodge started right up, growling before I shifted into drive and pulled away from the curb. Our neighborhood fell away, and I turned up the music, flipping channels until something sassy and empowering came through the speakers. I drove through Philadelphia until the streetlights flickered, until the gas light dinged, and my back began to ache. I rubbed my belly and turned toward home, hoping to God Josh had gone to Quinn’s with most of his things.
The sky was dark, and the stars had begun to poke through the blackness when I slowed to a stop, waiting on a red light to turn. I could see the top floors of St. Ann’s looming above the tree line, and then looked down when I felt Penny move inside me. When I realized where I was, I choked out a sob. The sign for Holly Road sat above the sign for Jackson Avenue, the intersection where it had all begun.
I could go back to Josh, but I couldn’t forgive him. I couldn’t trust him. That wasn’t a marriage I wanted Penny to witness. I had a responsibility to my daughter to show strength I would want her to have.
My head began to throb behind my eye, and I wondered if Josh had meant what he’d said about taking her away. I’d lost my parents, then Josh, and I could lose Penny, too. Letting go had been so easy for me, but in that moment, I recognized that I hadn’t let go of the people I loved. They were taken from me.
Josh’s theory about curses might not have been so farfetched after all.
“This isn’t happening,” I cried. The flashes, the hallucinations, the headaches—it had all started since the wedding. “This is just a bad dream,” I said, sucking in several breaths. A new cry ripped from my throat. “I just want to wake up.” I slumped over, touching my head to the steering wheel. “I just want to wake up.”
I closed my eyes, seeing flashes of the hospital room, and I blinked, looking around the Dodge. Maybe Josh was right. Maybe I was going crazy. Everything had felt off since the accident. Maybe I was imagining things. Crazy people didn’t know they were crazy.
My blurred vision came into focus, and I noticed a small copper circle at my feet. I reached down, picking up the dull penny and clenching it in my palm.
My breathing faltered, and a wail bubbled from my chest, piercing the night. Two bright lights came closer, and I held my breath, closing my eyes.
I woke up panting with fear, gripping handles on either side of my hospital bed. Beeps surrounded me on every side, and I looked down. My scrubs were gone, and I was dressed in a hospital gown. I reached down to feel my flat stomach. Penny was gone, too.
I cried out, covering my face, and Michaels ran in. “Avery?”
I could only cry.
Michaels called frantically down the hall. “She’s awake! Avery’s awake!” Michaels ran in, checking my vitals. “Do you know where you are?” she asked, her voice smooth and soothing.
“The hospital,” I said. “Is the baby okay?”
Michaels’ eyebrows pulled in, and my heart broke.
A female doctor rushed in, with shiny dark hair that barely brushed her shoulders and a large mole on one side of her chin.
She flashed a pen-sized light in my eyes, from one to the other, and then turned it off, plugging her stethoscope into her ear. “Can you tell me your name?”
“Avery … Avery,” I said, wincing from the light.
“It’s nice to finally meet you, Avery. I’m Dr. Weaver. You’ve been in a car accident.”
I frowned, confused.
“We’ve been waiting for you to come back to us.” She rubbed the diaphragm of the stethoscope on her white coat and slid it under my gown against my chest. “Can you take a deep breath for me?”
I did as she instructed.
“Is Penny … is the baby okay?” My voice faltered, afraid to even speak her name aloud.
Dr. Weaver pulled the stethoscope from her ears. “Avery, we still have some tests to do, but we need to have a conversation. It could be shocking.”
My bottom lip quivered, and then I covered my face, feeling tears slip between my fingers. “Can someone call my husband?”
Dr. Weaver glanced back at Michaels and then touched my shoulder. “Avery …” she said, her voice thick with concern. “You’re not married.”
I looked up and blinked. “Yes, I am.”
Michaels frowned and looked at Dr. Weaver.
I pointed to Michaels, the IV tugging on my hand. “Call my husband. Please. He’s probably worried sick. I have to tell him about Penny. I have to tell him what I’ve done,” I said. I began to wail, and Dr. Weaver patted my leg.
“Give her a mild sedative. I need a full blood work-up and another CT. I want to see how the bruising has healed.”
“Bruising?” I asked as Michaels left the room. “Is that what’s been wrong with me?”
Dr. Weaver offered a comforting smile. “You’ve been asleep for quite a while, Avery. Your body has been healing.”
I looked at her, feeling something dark and frightening weighing on my chest. “Please find my husband.”
She pressed her lips together, empathetic to the fear in my eyes. “I’ll do my best.”
I sat in the dark room alone, the same room I’d seen so many times in the flashes. The same wallpaper that covered the rooms in Step-Down, the same room I’d woken in after the accident. I looked around for my phone, my purse, anything. All that surrounded me were monitors, machines, and ugly wallpaper.
Michaels stood in the doorway, her silhouette outlined on the floor. “Avery? Do you remember Deb?”
I wiped my face. “Yes, can you call her?”
“She’s here. Can she come in?”
I nodded, watching as Deb stepped into the room. She covered her mouth and then rushed to kneel next to me.
She grabbed my hand in both of hers. She had lost weight, and her hair was a bit longer.
“Jesus Christ, partner, you took the longest nap ever.”
“Please call Josh for me,” I said. “I don’t have my phone, and I know he’s worried sick.”
“Josh?” Deb asked, shaking her head.
“Yes, Josh. Why is everyone being so weird?”
“Josh Avery?” she asked, watching me with concern in her eyes.
“Deb, stop! I’m freaking out here.”
“Avery,” she said, her voice uncharacteristically soothing. “Josh is down the hall.”
I sat up. “Then tell him I’m awake! Why won’t anyone go get him?” I thought for a moment, and then sat back. “He doesn’t want to see me. He told me not to leave, and I lost the baby. He hates me, doesn’t he?”
“Honey,” she paused, clearly trying to find the right words. “Josh is in his own room, down the hall.”
I gripped her arm. “He’s hurt? Deb! Take me to him!”
Michaels injected my IV port with the sedative Dr. Weaver had prescribed.
“No!” I said, fighting her.
She finished pushing the meds and stepped back, looking both sad and confused.
“No!” I looked to Deb. “I need to see him.”
“Rest, honey,” she said, running her hand over my hair. “Rest. You can see him when you wake up.”
“I’ve been resting! I want to see my husband!”
Deb gasped and looked up at Michaels. Michaels shook her head and left the room.
My eyes grew heavy, and then I fell into darkness. I didn’t cry, I didn’t feel, I didn’t dream. I only slept.
When I awoke, I could only recall a moment of panic before I had been sedated. Deb was sitting in a chair, flipping through the pages of Cosmopolitan.
The sheets slid against the mattress when I sat up, and Deb dropped her magazine, hurrying to help.
“Morning, sunshine,” she said. “Want me to open the blinds?”
I nodded.
She walked over to the window and twisted a long, horizontal rod, letting in the bright sun and revealing a large billboard for J.C. Penney.
I squinted until my eyes adjusted, and reached for my necklace. “I left it.”
“What?” Deb said, sitting next to me on the bed.
“My penny necklace Josh gave me. We fought. I left it behind when I stormed out on him.”
Deb seemed uncomfortable and searched for something else to say. “Dr. Weaver was in this morning. All of your tests came back great. They’re going to move you to the second floor today.”
“To rehab?” I asked.
Deb pulled her mouth to the side. “You need to build back muscle in your legs, Avery. It won’t take long. Water?” she asked, pouring some into a large mug before I answered.
I looked out the window, feeling emotion weigh down on me. I had been so quick to walk out on my life with Josh the day before. Now I would do anything to find my way back.
I touched my stomach, feeling more alone than I ever had. I had lost my parents. I had lost friends. This was much, much worse. Tears filled my eyes and spilled over my cheeks.
“Dr. Weaver has scheduled Dr. Livingston and Dr. Brock for this afternoon.”
“Who are they?” I sniffed.
“Dr. Livingston is the neurologist.” She hesitated. “Dr. Brock is a psychiatrist.” When I began to protest, Deb held my hand in both of hers. “No one is judging you, Avery. Your little body has been through so much. It’s really a miracle that you survived at all. Your brain had to do what it had to do to distract you while you healed. There is so much about the brain that we don’t know. It’s important that you tell them everything.”
“I just want my husband.” I pulled my hands from hers, covering my face. My chest and face hurt from the hours of tearfully mourning my daughter.
Deb only nodded, sympathy in her eyes.
“Deb,” I said, warning her with my tone. “Will you take me to see Josh?”
“I can,” she said, sad. “But it will upset you.”
“Take me,” I said. Josh would be the only thing to calm me down.
Deb brushed my greasy hair and braided it, and then she held a cup of water while I brushed my teeth.
“Here,” she said, handing me a warm washcloth. “Wash your face while I get a chair.”
I rubbed the warm terrycloth over my face, feeling it evaporate and cool while I worked it over my skin. I wasn’t going to look in the mirror. I didn’t want to.
Deb wheeled in my ride, pressing the brakes down and lifting up the foot pedals. She used her upper body strength to lift me up and pivot, and with incredible control, she lowered me back into the seat.
“All set?” She unplugged my IV and held it in one hand, gripping the handle of my chair in the other.
I nodded, feeling her push forward. When we cleared the threshold of my room and broke into the hallway, something inside me clicked into place. The feeling that something was out of place or missing was gone.
Deb passed four rooms and then paused. “Are you sure, Avery? I really think you should give yourself more time. You’re confused, and …”
“I’m sure,” I said, reaching for the doorjamb.
With some difficulty, I pulled myself through the doorway and into the room. All the wind was knocked out of me as I scanned over Josh’s body. He was on his back, hooked up to as many tubes and machines as I had been, his eyes closed, his chest moving up and down only by the ventilator.
I reached for his hand. His fingers felt foreign in mine, and the gold band I’d given him on our wedding day was missing. I held up my own hand, which was also bare. Why couldn’t I have just listened? He wanted to tell me more. That Hope … A sinking feeling overcame me. Hope had done her laundry at the house. She had wanted Josh all along. She had planted the panties. That’s what he was trying to tell me.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered. I glanced back at Deb. “What happened?”
“You were both on your way home from work. You pulled out into the intersection in front of a semi, and your car was knocked back into Josh’s. The cars were a mangled mess.”
“No, Deb, what happened this time?”
“That is what happened this time, Avery. His partner, Quinn, said when he arrived on the scene, you were both unconscious, but your vehicles were mashed in such a way that your fingertips were touching.”
“His partner Quinn,” I said, scanning over Josh’s sleeping face. “You mean your boyfriend, Quinn?”
Deb looked down at me, amused. She pulled my braid over my shoulder. “No, honey. Ew.”
“What do you mean no? You’ve been dating Quinn for almost two years.”
Deb chuckled, but when she realized I was serious, her brows pulled together. She shook her head slowly.
“Yes,” I said, leaning forward, holding Josh’s hand tight. “Josh, wake up. You have to tell them. I’m not crazy.”
I looked up at Deb. “What happened to Penny?”
She shook her head and shrugged. “Who’s Penny?”
“Our baby. Josh’s and mine. I was thirty-one weeks pregnant, Deb.”
Deb tried to back out my wheelchair, but I gripped Josh’s blanket in my hand. She knelt down beside me. “Avery, you weren’t pregnant. You weren’t married to this guy,” she said, pointing to Josh.
“Stop it,” I said, feeling panic building.
“You two were in the same accident, and you’ve both been in comas.”
I shook my head and tucked my chin. “You’re lying.”
“Avery,” she said, touching my arm. “Why would I lie about something so hurtful? You’ve been unconscious for seven weeks.”
“Seven weeks?” I said. “I’ve been with Josh for two years. We were dating. We got engaged. I remember the wedding and the day we found out we were pregnant. It wasn’t a dream, Deb. I would know the difference between a dream and a memory. It happened.” I looked at Josh, desperate. “Please wake up. Please wake up and tell them. I’m so afraid.”
“Avery … Avery, we have to get back to your room. You need to try to eat something. You need to rest.”
I held Josh’s hand to my cheek and then closed my eyes. “Wake up, Avery. This is just a bad dream. Wake up. Wake up!” I screamed.
“Okay, honey,” Deb said, backing me away from Josh. “Visit’s over.”
I reached for him until she spun me around, and then I turned, reaching for him again.
“Josh! Josh!”
