Текст книги "Troubles and Treats"
Автор книги: Tara Sivec
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Текущая страница: 7 (всего у книги 14 страниц)
“Look at all these losers trying to pick a winning vibrator at the last minute,” Drew whispers as we squeeze our way through everyone so we can get to the back door and out into the parking lot where the event is being held. “With my analysis reports, this race is all ours. You can’t go into something like this without a toy you’re already familiar with. Do these people know nothing? How do they expect to win a race with a toy they’ve never used before? How do they know they’re even going to mesh with that toy? Total amateurs, I’m telling you.”
I get more and more excited listening to what Drew is telling me. He’s right. I am very familiar with my bullet. We go way back. It’s the first toy I ever bought when I was eighteen. We’ve come a long way since then. This little guy in my pocket has been with me through the good and the bad. He won’t let me down today.
“Hey, guys!” Liz greets us as she rushes over to where we are currently standing next to a food vendor tent. She holds a clipboard in her hand and scans a piece of paper attached to it. “Okay, Jenny, you’re in heat one of the first round. It’s going to take place in the tent next to the beer stand.”
I glance over to the direction she’s pointing and frown.
“Um, that tent is wide open. I kind of thought it would be a little more private,” I tell her, glancing nervously up at Drew.
“It’s okay, we can work with that,” Drew reassures me.
“Why would it need to be private? It’s just a race. And everyone here knows what’s going on. They wouldn’t be here if they have a problem with it,” Liz explains.
She’s right. Everyone here had received an invitation with an explanation of what was going on today, so I guess they know what they’ll be seeing. I suppose I just hadn't thought about the fact that they’d be seeing me. Oh well, I want to get a spark back so I guess this is as good a way as any.
Liz wishes us good luck and runs off to greet more people and let them know what race tent they are in. Drew and I make our way over to the beer tent next to where I will be racing. He gets in line and orders a beer for each of us.
“Chug it. You look like you could use this,” he informs me as he hands me a plastic cup overflowing with beer.
I down the beer as fast as I can and hand him the empty cup. He sets it down and moves behind me to rub my shoulders.
“I’ve been scoping out the competition in our tent. There are a few old people who look scared. That one chick in the purple shirt looks tough, but see how she’s tapping her foot? She’s nervous. You’re calm as a cucumber. That’s how you’re going to win this thing. Show no fear, baby. Maybe you should stretch,” Drew advises.
As he continues to massage my shoulders, I roll my head from side to side and shake out my hands. I grab onto my elbow and pull my arm across the front of my body, repeating the action with my other arm. Liz makes an announcement over the microphone that the first heats will be starting in ten minutes. Drew turns me around to face him and holds my face in his hands.
“Repeat after me. I’m a winner.”
“I’m a winner,” I tell him.
“I’m more awesome than all these people,” he states.
“I’m more awesome than all these people.”
“If I win this thing, I will take my husband home and fuck his brains out.”
I stare at him for a minute, raising my eyebrow at his statement.
“SAY IT!”
I sigh and roll my eyes. “If I win this thing, I will take my husband home and fuck his brains out.”
Drew sniffles. “I think I’m going to cry.”
“What’s up, assholes?” Jim asks as he walks up to us with Carter and Claire.
“Just giving Jenny a last minute pep talk before the race,” Drew informs him.
“There’s no need for that,” Carter says. “Claire is going to kick everyone’s ass.”
Drew laughs and shakes his head. “Oh that’s hilarious, limp dick! I know for a fact that Jenny will be the victor.”
“The Victor? Who’s Victor? Is that like some vibrator champion or something? Is the race named after this Victor guy?”
Claire pats my shoulder and just smiles at me. I guess she already knows about Victor. I’m always the last to know everything.
“What toy did she pick?” Carter asks Drew.
“The silver bullet, baby!”
Carter laughs and shakes his head. “Seriously? The bullet is like the grandfather of vibrators. Are you sure it can last long enough without needing to take a nap? There’s no way that thing is going to win.”
Drew crosses his arms and glares at Carter. “Really? So what amazing vibrator is Claire using?”
Carter smirks and wraps his arms around Claire’s waist from behind, resting his chin on top of her head. “The brand new, hot from the factory Butterfly FX 2000.”
It’s Drew’s turn to laugh now and he throws his head back, letting out a loud chuckle. “The Butterfly FX 2000? You’ve got to be kidding me! That’s child’s play! Have you even read the reviews on that thing? Did you conduct wind velocity tests and check water submersion quality? You can’t go into this thing half cocked, my friend. You guys really should leave this race to the professionals.”
“How about we put a little wager on the race?” Jim asks, pulling his wallet out of his back pocket. “I’ve got ten bucks on Jenny.”
Claire gives him a dirty look. “Hey!”
“Sorry,” Jim says with a shrug. “Jenny kind of is an expert with these things. You’ve only been doing this for a little while. She’s got years on you.”
The men all place their bets and Jim holds on to the money since he doesn’t have a wife in the race. Liz makes another announcement over the microphone that everyone should get into their assigned tents because the races are starting. Claire and I are going to be in the same tent for the first heat and that calms my nerves quite a bit. Even though Drew will be close by, having a friend with me makes me even more comfortable.
We all walk together under the tent and greet the other participants. There are six other women and two men. I really don’t understand the men being here and being allowed to participate. How exactly does THAT work? It doesn’t really seem fair since they could do this race pretty easily without a vibrator but whatever. I don't make up the rules. I’m sure Liz knows what she’s doing.
According to the judge in our tent, everyone in the race will go at the same time. I like that idea better than individually since not everyone will be looking at me. He doesn’t really give any more explanation though, and I stare at the table in front of us in confusion.
“Am I supposed to just get up on that thing?” I quietly ask Drew.
He glances around at everyone else and no one is making a move to get on the table. They all have their chosen vibrators out and are testing the speeds on them.
“I don’t know what the table is for. It’s not like you can all fit on it at one time. Maybe it’s for support. Like, you can hold onto it if you need to. It would have been better if they provided cots or something, but you gotta work with what you got.”
I shrug and pull the velvet bag out of my pocket, sliding the bullet out and fiddling with the speed control.
“I know you usually start that thing off slow and work your way up, but now isn’t the time for slow. Crank that puppy up full speed and take these mother fuckers out!” Drew says excitedly.
“Racers, take your mark!” the judge shouts.
Everyone starts clapping, whistling, and cheering. I clutch the bullet in my hand, double checking to make sure it’s set to super high speed. I glance over at Claire and she’s got her butterfly resting on top of the table. I notice everyone else in the race has done the same thing.
Am I supposed to put the bullet on the table too? Is that like the starting off position?
I decide to do what everyone else is doing and set the silver cylinder on the table top in between a pink rabbit and a yellow dolphin.
“Get set!” the judge yells.
Everyone around the table hunches over their toys. Drew and the guys have stepped back a few feet away from us to give us room. I kind of want to tell him to come back closer to me because this is always easier for me if he’s touching me in some way at the same time, but like he had said, I have to work with what I’ve got.
“GO!” the judge yells, holding a small air horn above his head, pressing the button for a single, loud noise indicating the race has begun.
I quickly pull the bullet off of the table and close my eyes, pushing my hand clutching the bullet down the front of my pants. Drew’s suggestion of wearing yoga pants with no underwear is genius. I have easy access without having to get naked in front of all of these people.
I hear screams and shouts of “Go! Go! Go!” from all around me, but I block it all out, hit the power button on the vibrator, and concentrate.
As soon as the bullet touches my clit, I know this isn’t going to take long at all. I wasn’t lying when I said I missed sex. Not having the time or energy to even masturbate lately has built up my need even more.
There are some gasps from the crowd and I think I hear someone say, “Oh sweet Jesus,” but I don’t care about what else is going on with the other racers.
I slide the bullet all around me, and I can already feel the little tingles of pleasure shooting down my legs. I squeeze my eyes closed even tighter and think about the one time Drew and I had sex in our basement on a pile of his old stuffed animals from when he was a child. The things that man can do with a Pound Puppy…
I can’t stop the moans that escape from my mouth as I hold the bullet still against my clit and let it do all of the work to bring me to completion. I think again about the basement sex and Drew barking and that’s all it takes to send me over the edge into oblivion. I shout my release and my free hand smacks down on top of the table to hold me steady as my orgasm washes through me. When the tingling has stopped and my orgasm is over, I quickly pull the bullet out of my pants and smack it down on the table, throwing both of my arms in the air in victory.
I was so focused on my orgasm and flashbacks of basement sex that I didn’t even realize how quiet the tent had gotten. I open my eyes and notice people staring at me and all of the vibrators bouncing around on the table.
“Uh, honey. I think we may have got the rules of the race a little mixed up,” Drew tells me as he comes up behind me.
Oh my God. Was I the only one masturbating? What the fuck?!
“Uh, I’m not really sure how to pick the winner of this race,” the judge says from the other side of the table, clearly looking a little confused.
“Why the fuck didn’t you stop me?” I whisper frantically at Drew.
“It all happened so fast. And to be honest, it was hot as fuck,” Drew tells me.
“I do believe I clearly won the wager,” Jim says from the other side of me where Carter and Claire are laughing hysterically. “Judge, I think Jenny here needs to be the winner of this heat for creativity alone.”
The whole tent lets out a roar of approval and there is so much cheering and clapping that people from other tents have wandered over to see what is going on. I’m so mortified I can’t even move. All I can do is stare at all of the vibrators bouncing up and down on the table in front of me until Claire’s Butterfly FX 2000 inches ahead of the rest and bounces right off of the end of the table where I now see a black and white checkered finish line is painted.
“Son of a bitch!” Claire shouts. “I would have totally won that thing!”
“So, babe, about that pep talk before the race-”
I cut Drew off before he can say anything else. “Don’t even think it. You are NOT getting your brains fucked out tonight!”
Chapter 15 – Dr. Duke of Earl
Contrary to popular belief, standing around at a vibrator race and allowing your wife to masturbate in a tent full of strangers when she’s actually supposed to be putting the vibrator down on a table to race it will not get you laid. Even if she promises. I try to get her to change her mind for two hours after we get home. My dad is no help. Once he had found out what happened, I get a forty-five minute lecture on how you’re never supposed to leave a man behind. After he leaves, Jenny tells me to sleep on the couch and console my penis on my own.
I try. But every time I get a good yank and pull session going, I hear Billy crying upstairs to be fed. It’s all fun and games until your kid starts crying right before you’re going to release the demons. Talk about an erection killer.
Today, I have the house all to myself and you would think I’d spend it comforting my penis, but no. I have other plans. Jenny took Billy to Claire’s shop with her today while she does some bookkeeping, and Veronica is at preschool for a few hours. I’m using this time wisely. With the help of the little package I had got in the mail yesterday, I am going to fix mine and Jenny’s sex life in just ninety minutes. I ordered a self-help CD called: How to Bring the Spark Back into Your Marriage. I’ve closed the blinds, locked the doors, and put on my favorite motivational shirt: Camel’s Tow Service; ask us about our Moose Knuckle discounts.
I grab the package from my work bag, where I hid it yesterday after I got the mail, tear into it, and pull out the plastic CD case. Popping it into the stereo system in the living room, I crank up the sound and hit play.
“Hello and t hank you for purchasing: How to Bring the Spark Back into Your Marriage!”
“You’re quite welcome!” I reply to the man’s voice coming from the speakers. He’s British and British people always sound smart when they talk so this should be good. “’Ello Gov’na!”
See? He’s already made me smarter. I’m talking British.
“How ‘bout a spot of tea with the Queen?”
“Make yourself comfortable as we begin our first lesson.”
“Don’t mind if I do,” I say as I take a seat on the couch.
“Lesson One: Compliments. Repeat after me, ‘You look beautiful today, insert name of wife here.’”
“You look beautiful today, insert name of wife here.”
“Have you lost weight?”
“Have you lost weight? Man, this is so easy. I am going to rock this shit.”
“Take your clothes off and give me a blow job.”
“Take your clothes off and give me a blow job.”
“That was a trick. If you repeated that last line, you will never get laid again.”
“Heeeeey, no fair! What kind of self-help is this shit!”
“Lesson Two: Helping out around the house. Repeat after me, ‘Can I help you with those dishes?’”
“This is never going to work. She’ll know something is up if I say that shit.”
“Say it or you’re never getting laid again!”
“Son of a birthday cake! Can you hear me?” I ask the stereo in confusion.
I let out a sigh and figure I better do what he tells me or he’s going to get really angry. I don’t need self-help guy angry at me or he’ll stop helping me. “Can I help you with those dishes?”
“It’s okay, honey, I’ll fold the laundry.”
“Seriously? You expect me to believe that folding laundry will get me laid? Do you even know what you’re talking about?” I ask the stereo.
“I know what I’m doing. Say it.”
Stereo guy is starting to get a little angry. I’m kind of afraid of stereo guy right now. I want to turn him off but I’m scared. He knows where I live.
“It’s okay, honey, I’ll fold the laundry,” I say nervously.
“Say it like you mean it, asshole!”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry! It’s okay, honey, I’ll fold the laundry! Really, I will! I LOVE folding laundry!”
“Lesson Three: Helping out with the children. Repeat after me, ‘I’ll get up with, insert name of child here. You go back to sleep.”
“I’ll get up with, insert name of child here. You go back to sleep,” I say quickly so I can stay on stereo guy’s good side. I need to pass this shit or my penis is going to be batting solo forever.
“Why don’t you go for a day at the spa. I’ll take care of the children.”
“Actually, that’s not a bad idea. Why don’t you go for a day at the spa. I’ll take care of the children.”
Maybe I judged stereo guy too quickly. I mean he’s just trying to help me. He wants what’s best for me, and what’s best for me is Jenny’s vagina.
“I’m not changing that diaper. I don’t even know if the kid’s mine.”
“I’m not changing that diaper. I don’t even know if the kid’s mine.”
“You fell for it again, douchebag! It’s like you’re not even trying. Why am I wasting my time on you?”
“Dammit! Stop giving me trick questions! You want me to fail, don’t you? I hate you, stereo guy!”
“Don’t get angry at me. My wife still gives it up every day. You’re the one with the problem.”
“I don’t have a problem! YOU have a problem! You live inside a fucking stereo! You’re stupid and your voice is stupid!”
“I’m in your house now. I know where you live and I can see you. Don’t make me angry.”
“Oh no you DIDN’T just say that to me, you piece of shit!”
I get up from the couch and run over to the stereo, pulling it off of the shelf and dropping it to the floor. “Ha! Try helping my self now, asshole!”
“I can still hear you. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!” I scream as I turn around in circles in the middle of the living room with my arms stretched out from my sides.
I run over to the plastic CD case I threw on the floor earlier and pick it up, checking the back for information about the guy who recorded it. I will not let him terrorize me!
“Oh, ho, ho, Dr. Earl Michaelson! What kind of a British name is that? Wait, Duke of Earl, wasn’t he British? Is this the Duke of Earl? Is the Duke of Earl threatening me? I know who you are and where YOU live now! You messed with the wrong man, Duke of Earl!”
I’m going to call this guy and I’m going to give him a piece of my mind.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
“Big talk from a little Duke, stereo man!”
I pull out my cell phone and look up this guy’s information on Google. Oh, Google, how I love thee. A phone number for the whole world to call. Don’t mind if I do. I dial the number and wait for someone to answer.
“Is the Duke of Earl there? I don’t know, like the song. ‘Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl, Earl, Earl. Shut up! I have a GREAT singing voice!”
I pull the phone away from my ear when I hear the dial tone.
“Stupid Duke of Earl. You need to hire better help to answer your phones,” I mutter as I hit redial.
“Yes, is Doctor Earl there?” I say, making my voice deeper. “I don’t care if he’s with a patient, put him on the damn phone! Don’t you dare hang up on me! Shit!”
I hit redial again, clearing my throat and preparing a different voice. “Is Dr. Earl there? This is his mother,” I say in a high pitched female voice. “Oh, his mother’s dead? Probably because he killed her with his awful advice! Put him on the phone!”
Dial tone again. What is wrong with these people?
“We’re not done with our lesson yet, dickwad.”
“I’m not a dickwad, YOU’RE A DICKWAD!” I yell to the broken stereo on the ground. How the fuck is he still talking to me? This is like the movie ‘Chuckie’. That damn doll just wouldn’t die. How the hell do you kill a CD that won’t die?
I call the number again and try a different tactic. “Yes, this is Punjab from Czechoslovakia. Dr. Earl ordered something from us and I need to speak to him right away. What do you mean Czechoslovakia doesn’t exist anymore? When the fuck did that happen? Wow, 1992, seriously? I probably should have learned that in school, huh. No kidding? But it’s still there, right? It didn’t like, blow up or something? Interesting. No, no message.”
I hang up the phone and realize I was fooled again. Like they would really just get rid of some place called Czechoslovakia. What would they do with all the Checkians? I wasn’t born yesterday, I know when someone is pulling my leg.
Since calling the Duke and telling him off isn’t going to work, I’ll just send him an email. I pull up Gmail on my phone and type in his email address that I found on Google.
Dear Dr. Duke of Earl Dick Fuck,
You are going down, buddy. I will make you pay for this…
~
“Yes, officer. I understand. No, I promise there won’t be any more trouble. Tell Dr. Michaelson and his family we’re very sorry for scaring him. Just send me the bill for his hotel stay.”
Jenny closes our front door and turns around to look at me without saying a word.
“Can I just expl-”
“Oh, I think you’ve done plenty of talking today,” she cuts me off. “Really, Drew? Threatening a psychiatrist and his family? He took his wife and kids to a hotel because they feared for their lives.”
Jenny walks away from the door and starts picking up pieces of the mangled stereo on the living room floor. I may have got a little too excited in my need to destroy it. There were pieces that flew all the way into the kitchen when I stomped on it repeatedly. According to all horror movies, you have to dismantle the pieces and spread them out away from each other so they can’t get back together and form an even scarier monster that will hunt you down and kill you. I was protecting my family!
“Oh please, like fleeing from his house was really necessary,” I explain as I help her pick up plastic pieces.
“You told him you were going to sneak into his house and watch him while he slept.”
It turns out the CD I bought was a fake. Some disgruntled employee who worked at the online store I had bought it from replaced a bunch of self-help CDs with one he made at home. Dr. Earl wasn’t the only one whose CDs had been replaced. There had been about a hundred other self-help people out there that it happened to as well. Oops.
“Why would you even buy a self-help CD in the first place?” she asks as she gets up and takes a pile of pieces into the kitchen to dump them in the garbage.
I stare at her ass as she walks away and try to remember the last time I had my hands on her ass.
“You look very beautiful today. Don’t worry about the dishes. I’ll take care of them,” I tell her as I dump my own pile of pieces into the garbage can after she does.
“What are you talking about? We have a dishwasher,” she says with a shake of her head as she leaves the kitchen.
“It’s okay, honey! I’ll fold the laundry,” I yell to her retreating back.
“I folded the laundry yesterday,” she shouts back angrily.
“Fuck you, Dr. Earl. And fake Dr. Earl who recorded fake CDs,” I grumble to myself as I turn the lights out in the kitchen and follow Jenny upstairs to see if I’ll be allowed to sleep in bed tonight. I’m going to go with no, but it doesn’t hurt to ask.
I get to the top of the stairs and my pillow and a blanket are already in the hall, next to our closed bedroom door. With a sigh, I pick up my things and head back downstairs.
I curl up on the couch and pull up the porn app on my phone. “At least I still have you, little buddy.”
A few seconds later, a message pops up on my screen that says, “The porn app site is temporarily down for service. Please try back later.”
Oh my God, even porn doesn’t want me to have any satisfaction.
The universe obviously hates me.
Chapter 16 – VAGINA!
“The cops were at our house for two hours questioning Drew. It was so embarrassing. I’m sure all of the neighbors saw the police car in our driveway,” I complain to Liz as I add a new blog post to her store’s website.
“Right. Like THAT is the most mortifying thing your neighbors have ever seen in your driveway,” she replies as she uses a knife to slice through the tape on top of one of the boxes of inventory that was just delivered.
“That Halloween two years ago was an accident. I didn’t realize body paint was flammable, and Drew got a little too close to the jack-o-lanterns we carved,” I explain as I turn around in the computer chair to help Liz remove some of the items from the box.
“Drew stopped, dropped, and rolled naked in your neighbor’s front yard. Didn’t he catch their maple tree on fire?”
I pull out three packages of piña colada lube and set them off to the side. “It was a small maple tree. Not a big one. And the fire was out quickly. It wasn’t that big of a deal.”
Liz pushes the empty box away and pulls up another one and cuts it open.
“I think it’s a big deal when you’re both standing in your neighbor’s front yard with nothing on but glitter body paint,” Liz says with a laugh.
“Still, I can’t believe he threatened someone. And a psychiatric person at that. Like the guy doesn’t have enough problems being crazy? Now he has my husband to worry about. What if Drew sending him that email pushed him over the edge and he goes on a killing spree or something?”
“He is a psychiatrist, not a psychiatric person. He’s not crazy; he helps crazy people. It sounds like Drew should be his patient,” Liz deadpans.
“He was listening to a self-help CD. Did I tell you that part? It was called: How to Bring the Spark Back to Your Marriage. We’ve lost our spark,” I sob.
“I love you, but don’t cry. I will punch you in the face if you cry. I don’t do criers. You have not lost your spark. It’s just…temporarily on vacation,” she explains as she unpacks the box.
“Why the hell did it go on vacation? I never said it could go on vacation! I need my spark, Liz. You don’t understand. I need my spark to live!” I wail.
“It sounded to me like you found quite the spark at the vibrator race,” Liz laughs. “You got a standing ovation during the awards ceremony. People have been asking me where they can buy the video.”
“Well, we’re already under contract with the company we entered the home movie contest with so I’d have to check with them and see. It might be a conflict of incest,” I tell her.
“Jenny. For the love of God, think before you speak. Just say what you want to say in your head first before you open your mouth,” Liz tells me seriously.
“What? Incest means that you’re related, right? Drew and I are related.”
Liz stops unpacking the box and stares at me in horror.
“What. The. Fuck?”
I roll my eyes at her and take the package of Jack Rabbits out of her hand. “Um, hello? We’re husband and wife. So we’re related. And you think I’m dumb.”
Liz puts her head in her hands and whimpers to herself. I lean over and pat her on the back in sympathy. “It’s okay, things confuse me sometimes too.”
“What should I do, Liz? I tried the faking it thing, and I thought that worked, but the next two times I suggested doing it again he said no. He actually turned me down! He says he misses my vagina but I think he’s lying. I used to have such an awesome vagina. What if it’s not awesome anymore? I need a second opinion. Liz, look at my vagina.”
Liz stands up from the box and starts backing away.
“Take it back,” she states.
“No, really, I think this is what I need. I need someone who will be honest with me. Look at my vagina,” I tell her as I start unbuttoning my jeans.
Liz throws her hands up in the air and bumps into a shelf against the wall, vibrators and lube falling to the ground. “Back away, Jenny. Just back away and no one will get hurt.”
I get my pants unzipped and push them down to the middle of my thighs.
Good thing I wore my good underwear today.
“Just one look, that’s all I’m asking. Just look at my vagina and tell me if it still looks okay or if it’s a hot mess,” I plead.
“Oh my God, my eyes, MY EYES!” Liz yells, covering her face with her hands.
“Liz, LOOK AT MY VAGINA!” I shout as I hobble closer to her and my jeans slide down to my knees. “I AM NOT LEAVING HERE UNTIL YOU LOOK AT MY VAGINA!”
I hear a gasp and turn around to see Jim standing in the doorway staring at us. I put my hands on my hips and glare at him. “Move along, Jim. There’s nothing to see here.”
He shakes his head back and forth, his eyes never blinking as he looks from me to Liz and then back again.
“I’ve dreamed of this moment,” he whispers. “I’ve prayed, I’ve wished on stars, I’ve wished on pennies in wishing wells…my prayers have been answered. God is good.”
Liz huffs and walks around behind me, grabbing onto my jeans and yanking them back up over my ass.
“Nooooooo,” Jim whimpers. “They’re supposed to go the other way.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake, close your mouth. Turn around, walk out of this room right now, and never speak of this again,” Liz warns him as I button and zip my jeans.
“My dreams…shattering right before my eyes,” Jim says with a sad sigh as he turns and leaves.
Liz comes around in front of me and grabs my shoulders. “You are fine, your vagina is fine, and you are going to forget all about this shit and come with me and Claire to the Blossom Music Festival this weekend.”
I start to shake my head ‘No’ and she puts her hand over my mouth when I open it to protest. “You are coming with us. End of story. We’ll have a girl’s night, drink a lot of beer, listen to '80s cover bands and find your spark. I’m sure it will be at the bottom of the third cup of beer. And if you ever ask me to look at your vagina again, I will punch you in the uterus.”
~
“Pretty please? Say it again. Just one more time!” Claire tells the woman we just met standing in line for beer.
The woman laughs and says, “Put another shrimp on the Barbie!”
Liz, Claire, and I laugh hysterically and jump up and down with excitement. I’m not really sure if it’s the beer that makes this funny or if it really is funny. The woman in front of us is from Australia and we’ve spent our fifteen minutes in line getting her to say Australian things.
“Okay, okay, I’ve got one. Say, ‘Fosters. Australian for beer,’” Claire says with a snort.
The woman laughs and does as she’s asked without complaint.
“Oh my God I love you! You are our new best friend!” Claire tells her.
“Oooh, my turn!” I say excitedly as I finally think of something for her to say. “Say, ‘Sucky, sucky, five dolla. Me love you long time!’”
Everyone just looks at me funny. “What?”
“That’s not Australian, dumbass. I don’t even know what the fuck that is!” Liz says with a laugh.
We order our beers and make our way over to the smoking section just outside of the fence to go back into the concert. We’ve spent the majority of the concert out here drinking instead of trying to navigate through the crowd to get to our seats inside. Since the music is so loud, we can hear it just fine out here anyway.
