Текст книги "Troubles and Treats"
Автор книги: Tara Sivec
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Текущая страница: 10 (всего у книги 14 страниц)
“Man, do you still have all of your trophies and awards and shit? I would love to see all of them,” he gushes.
Noooo, the force is strong! Resist! Resist!
“Yes! I have them all in the basement on a dinky shelf. I really want to build some kind of cabinet for them but I’m not good with that stuff.”
Fuck! What the fuck am I doing? Stop talking to him. He’s my arch nemesis!
“Hey, I can totally build that for you. I went to school for carpentry actually and my teachers all said I had great natural talent. I build stuff for everyone in the family, and I’m trying to start my own business. I could come over later and you could show me your trophies, and I can get an idea on how big of a cabinet you’ll need,” he says excitedly.
Awe, shit. I’m a goner.
“That would be fucking awesome! How much do you charge for something like that?”
Why am I asking him this? I will NOT let him make me a trophy cabinet. I WON’T, no matter what the price is.
“Oh, there’s no way I’d take your money. Totally on the house, dude. It would be an honor just to be able to see your trophies, let alone build you something to put them in.”
Well fuck, I think I’m falling in love with Fuckson. God dammit!!! At least Jim and Carter have already had a chance to talk to him and they can bring me back to reality with what an asshole he is.
The soccer game finally ends and Jackson says good-bye and that he’ll stop by later.
Fuck, I can’t even bring myself to call him a bad word anymore because he’s too fucking likeable! Now I’M the one who needs the intervention.
Jenny is busy talking to the parents, so I sneak away and walk over to Jim and Carter by the bleachers before she corners me and wants to “talk”.
“Okay, give it to me. Tell me every mean, awful, and shitty thing you think about him. Go.”
Jim and Carter share a look before turning to face me.
“Actually, we kind of like him,” Carter says sheepishly.
“Yeah, he’s going to come over tomorrow and watch the girls so Liz and I can go out to dinner,” Jim adds.
“He’s coming over to our house Tuesday because he has a secret wall cleaner he mixed together that will take black permanent marker off of the walls,” Carter says.
Noooooooo! They were supposed to help me! They were supposed to be my wingmen and now they just fucked me in the ass!
“Did you hear him talk about that thing he did in the fifth grade?!” Carter asks Jim.
“Oh my gosh, that was the funniest story ever!” Jim replies with a laugh.
“I really liked his jeans. I asked him where he got them and he said Target. Who knew?” Carter says with a shrug. “I wonder if he would go shopping with me for jeans if I ask him.”
I stare in horror at my two friends as they go back and forth gushing over my sworn enemy that I now kind of like.
“We’re going shoe shopping next Friday because he knows a great store about an hour from here that is having a huge clearance sale so make sure you don’t ask him to go Friday,” Jim says.
“Wait, a shoe sale? I need new shoes,” I tell Jim.
I am fucked.
Chapter 21 – Spoop
“I GOT IT!” I scream upstairs to Jenny as the doorbell rings and I race to answer the door.
It’s shoe shopping day and Jackson had told me he would come over and get me when he was ready to leave. I’m still not one-hundred-percent on board the Jackson train yet, but any guy that knows where the best shoe sales are gets a free pass for the day in my book.
I fling open the door and Jackson is standing there next to a four-shelf, hand-crafted, oak trophy case.
“I had some free time last night and was able to build your trophy case. I hope you don’t mind,” Jackson says with a smile.
Well son of a bitch. Now I’m on the Jackson train waving good-bye to my loved ones and heading off into the sunset with my new best friend.
“Dude, this is fucking awesome!” I tell him as I step outside onto the porch to get a good look at my new case. It’s the best piece of furniture I’ve ever seen. This thing will easily hold all of my trophies and medals, and this guy, who could probably tell I didn’t like him at first, had made it for me just to be nice.
Or he still wants to steal my wife and this is his way of distracting me. While I’m busy setting up my trophies, he’s going to be upstairs having sex with my wife.
“Oh, I almost forgot. I got this for you too,” Jackson says as he steps down off of the porch and picks something up that he had left by our bushes.
When he turns around, he’s cradling a garden gnome in his arms. But not just any garden gnome. This little guy is wearing an Ohio State football uniform from my alma mater. Instead of a weird garden gnome hat, he’s wearing a silver football helmet with a red and white stripe down the center. He’s also got on an Ohio State football jersey with my old number painted on it, and he’s holding a football in his arm.
Now, normally, I am not an advocate of garden gnomes. They are creepy little bastards that come to life at night and ass rape you while you’re sleeping. They hover over your head on your pillow and just wait until you flip over on your stomach so they can take off the covers and have their way with you. This hasn’t been proven scientifically yet, but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time. It’s also the reason why I always wear a belt to bed. I’m not making it easy for them to get my sweet ass!
Jenny has always wanted to get a gnome for our front yard – the one where the little creepy guy is sitting on a dock holding a fishing pole. Every time we are anywhere near a garden store she begs me to let her buy it. And every time, I have to remind her what those things are capable of. Especially one with a fishing pole.
Good God, woman! Do you know what kind of harm could come to my ass with a garden gnome carrying a fishing pole? Unspeakable acts will be conducted. UNSPEAKABLE.
I had never thought I would see the day where I would welcome a garden gnome into my yard. But this one is a winner. I can see it in his eyes that he would never hurt me. He would never use his evil garden gnome way against me.
“Jenny is always talking about how she wants a garden gnome but that you don’t like them. I saw this one the other day and thought you might approve of it, so I had the guy at the store paint your old jersey number on it,” Jackson says as he hands the little football guy over to me.
“I’m naming him Buckeye and he will be my friend forever,” I say softly as I pat Buckeye’s head and then set him down on the first step of the porch.
With one last smile in Buckeye’s direction, I help Jackson carry the trophy case down into the basement and then he helps me place all of my trophies into it before going back upstairs.
“Hey, Jackson!” Jenny says as she meets us at the top of the stairs with Billy in her arms. “How was your date last night?”
Jackson laughs and I look back and forth between the two of them.
Date? Jackson had a date? With a woman that isn’t my wife? This day just keeps getting better and better.
“Oh man, it was so awesome, Jenny! We had such a good time and you will be happy to know it turned into a sleepover,” Jackson says with a smile.
Wow, I didn’t know the guy had it in him! Banging on the first date is so me. I feel so close to him right now.
“I’m so happy for you! So you guys obviously hit it off. Are you going out again? Jenny asks as she shifts Billy to her other arm.
“Yep, we’re going out again tonight. Although, after the wake-up call I got this morning, I’m surprised I can even function or walk right now!”
Jenny and Jackson laugh and I just want to wrap this guy up in a hug and jump up and down in happiness that he’s found a chick to bang, and I can stop freaking out.
I reach over and pat Jackson on the back. “That’s awesome news, dude. I’m happy for you.”
Jackson smiles again and I think I might even see him blush a little.
“Thanks. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this good about someone. Dave is a great guy. I can’t wait for you guys to meet him. Is it okay if I use your bathroom?” he asks.
Jenny tells him to go ahead and use the half bath downstairs which is a good thing because my brain is somewhere in outer space right now and I need a minute without him in the room.
“Dave? Tell me that’s some weird chick’s name,” I whisper to Jenny as Jackson walks down the hall to the bathroom.
“Um, no. Jackson is gay. I told you that,” she says as she walks into the kitchen to grab a few bottles from the fridge to pack into the diaper bag.
“No, you most certainly did NOT tell me that! I’m pretty sure that is something I would have clearly remembered,” I complain as I glance behind me down the hall to where Jackson disappeared.
“What’s the big deal? We know plenty of gay people. You’re not turning into a homeopathic are you?” she demands angrily.
“No, I’m not turning into someone who uses alternative medicine,” I reply with a laugh.
“This isn’t funny, Drew. If you have a problem with gay people, we have a serious issue.”
“I don’t have a problem with gay people! I have a problem with thinking some guy wants to bang my wife when the entire time he wants to bang the Hershey Highway. This would have saved me a lot of headaches, let me tell you,” I explain.
“You thought Jackson wanted to have sex with me?” Jenny asks in surprise.
“Um, yes. Why the hell wouldn’t I? He’s a good-looking guy and you’re hot as fuck. Of course I would think Jackson wants to have sex with you,” I tell her. “And another thing...he’s been in that bathroom too long. If he’s spooping in our toilet, we’re going to have words.”
Jenny pauses with a bottle in her hand and looks at me in confusion.
“If Jackson wants to poop in our toilet, he can poop in our toilet. He’s our friend. Jim poops in our toilet all the time,” she says.
“Jim poops in our toilet all the time because he has three girls who constantly knock on the door and ask him if he can paint their nails or brush Barbie’s hair. His poop gets stage fright at his house. This is completely different. Jackson is depositing spoop in our home!” I complain.
“Will you keep your voice down! He’s going to hear you!” Jenny scolds.
“I think he SHOULD hear me! He can take as many dumps as he likes in my toilet. But they can’t be spoop dumps!”
Jenny mutters to herself as she puts Billy down in his bouncy seat up on the counter and buckles him in.
“Stop saying spoop! I don’t even know what that is. You know I don’t like it when you use big words I don’t know,” she complains as she zips the diaper bag closed.
“It’s very simple to understand. Jackson said he had sex this morning. Thereby confirming that he has spooge floating around in his back door regions. It’s not just poop at that point anymore, Jenny. It’s SPOOP. He’s SPOOPING where we brush our teeth! Now every time I go in there, I’m going to see spoop. Spoop in the toilet, spoop on the floor, spoop on the walls. Everywhere I look there will be SPOOP and it’s all his fault!”
Jackson is gay. Jackson does NOT want to sleep with my wife. This makes me so happy. Spoop makes me so sad.
“That man made you a trophy case and is taking you shoe shopping today. He can spoop on our living room carpet if he wants!” Jenny argues.
“Oh, now you’re just being silly. Why would he spoop on the carpet? He’s not a dog,” I tell her as I make faces at Billy while he coos and smiles at me.
“If you turn out to be gay, you’d never spoop in Daddy’s toilet, would you, Billy? No you wouldn’t! You’d keep your spoop to yourself because you love Daddy.”
A few minutes later, Jackson walks into the kitchen and stands next to me. All I can do is look at his hands and hope he washed the spoop off of them. It will be embarrassing if I have to remind him.
“RAPE ME! MOMMY! RAPE ME!”
Jenny sighs and shakes her head when she hears Veronica yelling from the bathroom in the upstairs hallway.
“Um, is she asking you to rape her?” Jackson questions with a laugh.
“Yep, she totally is. She’s having a hard time saying ‘wipe me’ right now after she goes to the bathroom by herself,” I explain to him.
I wonder when Jackson is in his own home, if he screams, “SPOOP ME! SPOOP ME!”
“It’s not funny when she does it in a McDonald’s bathroom that is full of people,” Jenny says as she leaves the kitchen and heads down the hall to help Veronica.
Jackson and I are left alone together in the kitchen with Billy, and I’m having a hard time looking him in the eye.
“I take it you didn’t know I was gay,” Jackson finally says.
“No, but it’s all good, man. I don’t judge.”
Unless you spoop in my toilet. Then I will judge the mother fucking spoop out of you.
“Okay, good. Because I really like this guy, and I really like you and Jenny,” he tells me.
And you really like to spoop.
“Oh, I almost forgot. I got something else for you,” he says as he jogs over to the front door and picks up a bag I hadn’t even seen him put there.
He walks back over and hands me the bag. I dig inside and pull out a shirt that says: I like blow jobs, anal, and shopping. Not particularly in that order.
Oh man. Here it comes. I’m going to cry.
I throw the shirt on the kitchen counter, grab Jackson, and give him a hug.
“You’re such a good guy. I hope this Dave dude treats you right, and if he doesn’t, I’ll kick his ass. And I don’t care if you want to spoop in my toilet every single day, man. My toilet is your toilet; your spoop is my spoop. I’m on this train, but just so you know, I don’t want to be the caboose,” I tell him as I release him from the hug.
I have found a new best friend, and I don’t care if he is the meat in a triple decker man sandwich. He makes me trophy cases and buys me non-ass-raping garden gnomes and t-shirts.
As I throw my new shirt on over top of the one I was wearing, Jenny and Veronica emerge from down the hallway.
“Mommy raped my spoop!” Veronica shouts as she runs into the living room.
Chapter 22 – I Wanna Strawberry Laid!
“Wait a minute, so you still haven’t talked to Drew?” Claire asks as we walk over to a rack of clearance clothes and pick through them.
While the guys had gone shopping for shoes, we decided to have a girl’s day and go to the mall. Liz’s two older girls are playing at a friend’s house today so she just has Molly with her. After a lot of protesting from him, Claire had brought Gavin and Sophia was with Carter’s parents. I have Veronica and Billy with me, so I'm pushing them in the double stroller.
“No, I haven’t talked to Drew yet. I tried like a million times during Veronica’s soccer game but he kept cutting me off. It’s like he knew I wanted to talk about something serious and wasn’t going for it,” I explain as I pulled a shirt off of the rack and hold it up to me.
“Gavin, get up off of the floor,” Claire scolds.
I turn around where she’s looking and notice Gavin has removed an entire pile of folded sweaters from one of the tables and is currently using them as a pillow while he sprawls out on his stomach on the floor.
“Uuugghhhh, this is horseshit!” Gavin complains loudly.
“Horseshit!” Veronica and Molly shout at the same time before giggling.
“Gavin!” Claire yells angrily while Gavin lets out another groan and finally pulls himself up from the ground.
“Okay, so he didn’t want to talk at the soccer game, what about after?” Liz asks as she reaches in her purse for Molly’s sippy cup and hands it to her.
“He invited Jackson over and the two of them were down in the basement looking at all of Drew’s old football trophies for like five hours. And then he left for work and you know how that goes.”
Seeing as how all of our husbands work for the same automotive plant and were on the night shift together, the girls are well aware of how hard it can be to have any kind of important conversation with them during the week unless you want to do it by phone, which I definitely do not. This is something that needs to be done in person. I finally know what I want and need from him, and I’m pretty sure I have the confidence to actually tell him without screwing it up. But only seeing him for about ten minutes when I get home from work and then he leaves, makes it a little difficult.
“I’m still surprised he warmed up to Jackson so fast and actually went shopping with them today. I thought he would want to kill him when he found out what was going on with you two,” Claire states as she points to the pile of sweaters still on the floor without turning or saying a word when Gavin walks over to us.
“Oh my GOSH! This is the worst day EVER!” Gavin complains before stomping dramatically back to the sweaters to pick them up.
“There wasn’t anything going on with us! Don’t say it like that,” I complain as I shake my head, “No,” when Liz holds up an orange tank top and gives me a questioning look.
“The guy is coming over to your house practically every day and spending time with you and the kids, helping you out with laundry, the dishes, and rearranging furniture. He’s doing all of the things a husband should but without the extra benefits.”
I stare at her a minute wondering what benefits she’s talking about.
“He only helped me move the loveseat to the other side of the living room that one time. And he has a real job so he already gets health benefits. Why would I give him benefits for helping me out and being a good friend? That’s just weird,” I tell her as I pull another shirt from the rack and check the size.
“Sex, Jenny! She’s talking about sex!” Liz says a little too loudly.
“SEX! I WANT SEX!” Veronica yells from the stroller.
“No, no, no. Don’t say that, honey. It’s bad,” I tell her.
“You really haven’t gotten any in a while if you’re saying it’s bad,” Liz laughs from the other side of the clothing rack.
“Oh shut up. We had sex on our date night. Well, kind of. Okay, not really,” I say with an embarrassed shrug.
“What do you mean, ‘not really?' How do you ‘not really, kind of’ have sex?” Claire asks in confusion.
“Well, it started off really hot and awesome. We were in the car in the driveway and going at it. But then he started talking all kinky, and I don’t know, it felt weird. Like, we’re older now and parents of two kids and maybe we shouldn’t be doing it like that anymore. I told him to just do it normally and without the crazy stuff and it didn’t go over so well.”
Liz and Claire stand there staring at me, and I notice Gavin picking up a pair of lacy thongs from one of the tables and putting them on his head like a mask.
“You told Drew to stop being kinky in the middle of sex?” Claire asks in shock.
“Please, don’t ask her anymore questions about that. Words like ‘dirty whore’ and ‘slut’ will be thrown around and my brain can’t take that memory again,” Liz says with a dramatic shiver.
“But, I mean…you guys are the epitome of kinky. That’s like telling me I shouldn’t bake anymore. It’s unnatural.”
Is that true? I mean, I couldn’t imagine Claire never baking again. It’s her life and part of who she is. Is kinky sex part of who Drew and I are? If we don’t have it, are we not being who we really are?
“Tell me this, did it feel normal to you trying to have plain, old regular sex? Did it make you happy?” Claire asks.
“No, not at all. It made me sad. But it just felt like it was something I should do and ever since then, Drew hasn’t even tried to have sex with me again. I think I broke his penis,” I whisper.
“No one thinks my jokes are funny,” Gavin complains, walking over to us with the red, lacy thongs still on his head, the front of the thongs covering his eyes and nose.
“Uhhhhh, why is that on your head?” Claire asks, pulling her cell phone out of her purse and trying to stifle her laugh.
“It’s my mask. It’s my joke telling mask and no one thinks I’m funny,” he complains again.
“Oh, I think you’re HILARIOUS!” Liz says, not even bothering to hide her laughter. “Tell me your joke.”
Gavin turns to face her. “Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?” Liz asks, giggling with each word.
I hear Claire’s camera phone click next to me as she takes a picture.
“Y,” Gavin states.
“Y who?”
“Y YOU SUCK!” Gavin shouts, laughing at his own joke.
“Yeah, your joke – not funny. But you wearing women’s underwear on your head? Priceless. Make sure you send that picture to me. It’s going on my fridge,” Liz tells Claire.
“You guys are all a bunch of donkey crap bags,” Gavin complains as he walks away from our laughter.
“Okay, anyway, back to our discussion. Why would you think you broke Drew’s penis? Just because you told him you didn’t want to have wild and crazy sex?” Claire asks.
“Well, he was kind of inside me when I said it. And it made him soft. Like, really quickly. It felt like I shoved a balloon inside me and then popped it with a pin. That can’t be good.”
“This analogy of his penis and your vagina is really not something I need to be picturing in my head right now,” Liz complains.
“Eeew, Drew's penis and my vagina do NOT have analogy. That’s just gross. I have never had a green, slimy vagina, and do you think I would honestly let Drew’s penis anywhere near my cooter if it looked like that?” I complain.
“Oh for the love of God, focus, Jenny!” Claire says as we make our way up to the cashier. “Making a guy go soft doesn’t break his penis. You shocked the horny right out of him. Which as far as I know, is a first for Drew. He’s probably freaked out and thinks you’ve changed and doesn’t know how to deal with it. That’s why he hasn’t tried to initiate anything since then.”
I sigh as I pile my merchandise onto the counter.
Is Claire right? Does Drew think I’ve changed and doesn’t know how to act around me anymore?
“I feel like we’ve grown so far apart and I hate it. It’s like we don’t even know each other. It’s the worse feeling in the world.”
Claire pats my back as she finishes placing her items on the counter next to mine.
“You guys absolutely still know each other. Even though it doesn’t feel like it, he’s still your best friend and the one person who knows everything about you. It’s a rough patch. Couples have them and if they are strong enough, they work through them. You guys are strong enough. You just have to get on the same page.”
Gavin bounces past us with an umbrella in one hand, swinging it through the air and smacking it into hanging racks of clothes, knocking some to the ground. Now he has a blue bra strapped to the top of his head like the guys in the movie ‘Weird Science’.
“Oh my God, I just had the best idea ever!” Liz shouts as she yanks the umbrella out of Gavin’s hand and pulls the bra off of his head while Gavin lets out a groan of protest.
“Seriously, dude. I’m saving your life right now. Your mom already has a picture of you with women’s underwear on your head. Do you really want to try and get laid in high school when there’s a picture of you with a bra on your head too? I just saved your social life. Tell Auntie Liz thank you,” she tells him as she tosses the bra onto a table and leans the umbrella against another.
“I know what getting laid means. Dad told me and it’s gross. I’m never doing that,” Gavin complains.
“Wait, let me get my video camera out,” Claire states as she digs in her purse again for her cell phone. “Say that again, slowly.”
“Mommy, I wanna laid!” Veronica shouts from the stroller.
“Me too! I wanna laid! I wanna strawberry laid!” Molly screams in delight.
“This is disturbing, and yet funny at the same time,” Liz states. “Anyway, back to my fantastic idea!”
Claire and I finish paying our bills and attempt to quiet the girls screaming about wanting laid, using bribery of candy as a last resort.
“Okay, what’s this great idea,” Claire asks as we make our way out of the store.
“Well, you feel like you and Drew have grown apart and don’t really know each other anymore, correct?” she asks me.
“Yeah,” I say sadly.
“Do you guys remember that old game show 'The Newlywed Game' from like the seventies?”
Claire nods and gets a huge smile on her face. “Oh my gosh, Liz, you are a genius! That is the best idea ever.”
I look at them questioningly as we walk towards the food court.
“I don’t understand. We’re not newlyweds. How is this going to help us? Do we have to get married again or something? I don’t know if I’ll be able to fit into my wedding outfit again if that’s the case.”
“Your wedding outfit was a white tube top, a pair of white boy shorts and white thigh-high stockings. I’m pretty sure anyone could fit into your wedding outfit,” Liz states as we find a table and try to figure out what the kids want for lunch. “No, there is no remarrying that needs to happen. 'The Newlywed Game' is answering questions about yourself and seeing if your partner gets them right. It’s a great way to see how compatible two people are.”
This sounds scary. Drew and I always used to know each other well but not lately. What if we completely blow this game and it only makes things worse between us?
“I don’t know guys. What if he gets every single question wrong? That’s just going to depress me more,” I tell them.
“Trust me, this will work. You will see once and for all that you and Drew have not grown apart as much as you think,” Liz tells me.
“This is going to be so fun! I’m officially scheduling a game night for two weeks from now,” Claire announces.
“Clear your schedules and get sitters. This is an ‘adult only’ night,” Liz adds.
We get lunch for ourselves and the kids and discuss how the game will work while we eat. I don’t know whether I’m nervous or excited. I just hope this whole thing doesn’t throw up in my face.
Chapter 23 – Zombie Apocalypse
“I don’t know if this is a good idea,” Jim states nervously.
“Don’t be a pussy. This is the best idea ever. If the girls can do it and live through it, so can we. Do you really want your wife to go around telling people she did this before you? Get your balls out of her purse and man up,” I tell Jim.
Liz is at a meeting with her buyer and left Jim in charge of the store for a few hours before we have to be at work. Not a very wise decision on her part considering the last time she left Jim alone at the store, we rearranged her front window display with naked female mannequins having an orgy. So really, whatever happens here this evening is Liz’s fault for trusting Jim to behave.
Carter had mentioned the other night how he’s never been maced and we found out that none of us had. It’s embarrassing that all of our wives have been through something horrific like that and we haven’t. So, I devised a plan. An evil, genius plan.
“Alright, there’s no one back in the porn room. Who’s going to do the honors?” Carter asks as he emerges from the hallway next to the counter.
Two years ago, Liz installed a porno room in her store. The shelves are lined with every porno movie known to man. To avoid people stealing them and to stop any embarrassment of some poor, lonely librarian having to carry the movie box out in front of other people so everyone in the store knows she likes midget donkey sex, the DVD cases are empty and each one is assigned a three-digit number. If anyone wants to buy one, they just have to come up to the front counter and tell the cashier what number they want. Instead of saying, “I’d like to buy ‘Dickman and Throbbinhood’,” they can just say, “Could I get number four-twenty-three, please?”
Since neither Carter nor Jim want to actually get maced in the face, we decide to spray some mace in the small porno room where it will be easily contained. Then, we can just walk in there and see how we’re affected. We never really have to tell anyone how we were maced; we can just tell people from now on that we have “experience” with being maced. It’s kind of perfect if I do say so myself.
It’s sad, really, that I can’t find a good macing shirt for the occasion. Instead, I had to settle for my backup for emergency situations: I’m full of awesome.
“Shouldn’t we wait until the store closes?” Jim asks, looking nervously at the door.
“Your wife will be back before the store closes. We need to do this shit now,” I tell him, grabbing the industrial size can of mace from under the counter. “The girls were out of commission for what, twenty minutes or so? And they were sprayed directly in the eyes. Since we’re just going to be standing in a room where it’s lingering in the air, we’re probably only going to get a small percentage of what they got. We’ll be fine. Even if a customer does come in, they'll have no idea what’s going on.”
Jim taps his fingers on the counter, looks over at the door again, and then down at his watch. “Okay, fine. Let’s hurry up and get this over with in case Liz comes back early.”
Carter and I let out a victory yell, and I hand him the can to let him do the spraying.
“Go ahead man, just open the door a crack, spray as much as you can, and shut it really quickly,” I explain.
Carter takes the can, gives me a salute, and turns and jogs down the hallway.
As soon as he leaves, the bell above the door rings and Jim and I turn around and see three women walk in the door.
“Shit, customers. What the fuck do we do?” Jim whispers frantically.
“Relax. It’s contained in the back room. We just wait on them like normal and then go back there. If the mace all faded away, Carter can just spray it again,” I tell him.
The three women are off in a far corner giggling over something on one of the shelves so I wander over to where they are and see if they need any assistance.
“Hello there, ladies. What can I help you with this evening?”
They all start giggling again and each one turns bright red when they try and look me in the eyes.
“Um, well, my friend Jamie here has never been to a sex toy store before. So, what would you recommend for her first toy?” one of the women asks.
Normally, I enjoy helping out the customers in Liz’s store. I’m kind of a genius when it comes to all of the things in here but as soon as I start to impart my wisdom on them, my nose starts to tickle and I feel a sneeze coming on.
I let out four rapid sneezes right in a row and apologize to the ladies, asking them to follow me to another display so I can show them a few things for beginners.
