Текст книги "Forever Black"
Автор книги: Sandi Lynn
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Текущая страница: 9 (всего у книги 15 страниц)
Chapter 23
I walked to the bedroom and fell on my bed. The rage was growing inside me as I gripped my comforter with both hands and screamed. I sat up and looked around my small bedroom. The pain inside me was far worse than I ever imagined it could be. My chest felt heavy, and my shattered heart pierced me from within. I clenched my jaw as my hands gripped the bed. I tore my comforter off my and threw it across the room. I ripped off my sheets and balled them up, so they masked the sounds of my screams. I walked to the kitchen for a glass of water to try to calm down, but threw the glass at the wall and watched as it shattered into tiny pieces like my heart. I looked around. I took my desk and tipped it over as the drawer fell out, and my list was lying on the floor. I picked it up and looked at it. I held in my hand my bucket list. A list of all the things I needed and wanted to do before I died. I crumbled the paper and threw it on the ground.
I went into the bathroom. I was so angry for my life and for what I did to Connor I couldn’t see straight. I reached in the bathtub and grabbed my razor that was sitting on the edge. I took the blade out and held it to my wrist; I was going to end this pain now. I looked at the blade that perfectly matched up with my scar as the memories of that night came flooding back in my mind. I threw the blade down. What the hell was I doing? I fell to ground sobbing as I felt someone’s arms wrap around me.
“It’s ok sweetie; I’m here,” Peyton whispered. She looked down and picked up the blade and then she looked at my wrists, “Jesus Elle.”
We sat on the bathroom floor for what seemed like an eternity. She helped me up and walked me to the bedroom.
“I see you went on a destruction spree.”
I sat on the floor with my knees to my chest as she remade my bed. I felt like I had just had a nervous breakdown; like everything that happened in my life just hit me. Peyton took me by the shoulders and helped me up. She went to my drawer and pulled a night-shirt out and helped me into it. I felt like a rag doll as my arms and legs felt limp. I climbed into my bed as Peyton covered me with the blankets. She scooted next to me and put her arms around me.
“Connor called and told me everything. Elle I’m sorry, and I wish you would have told me about the cancer, but now is not the time to talk about this,” she said as she pushed my hair out of my face. “Get some sleep, I’m not going anywhere, and if you’re up to it, we’ll talk when you wake up.”
I didn’t say a word; I couldn’t. I just shook my head and drifted off into a deep sleep.
I woke up and looked around the room. I sat on the edge of the bed as Peyton walked in. “Finally, you’re awake.”
I yawned and ran my hand through my hair, “How long have I been sleeping?”
She put her hands on her hips and twisted her face as if she didn’t want to tell me, “2 days.”
My eyes widened, “What? 2 days? Peyton, why didn’t you wake me?”
She came over and sat on the edge of the bed, “Sweetie you obviously needed it. When I found you on that bathroom floor, god Elle, I thought you...” She turned her head and looked at the wall.
I lightly took her hand, “I know Peyton and I’m sorry.”
She laid her head on my shoulder, “The only thing that matters is you didn’t. You’re awake now, and you need to eat. Henry made the most delicious chicken noodle soup.”
I looked at her with a frown, “Who’s Henry?”
She tilted her head and smiled, “Dr. Hottie, he’s been here helping me out while you’ve been sleeping.”
I rolled my eyes, “Seriously Peyton, you told him everything?”
“Yeah Elle, I did; we’re seeing each other now, and I needed someone to talk to, besides, he’s been the biggest help.”
I got up and felt light-headed. Peyton grabbed my arm, “You need to eat Elle; it’s been 2 days.”
She helped me to the kitchen. All I could smell is the aroma of the chicken soup, and it was amazing. I didn’t feel like eating, but my body told me I had to. I sat at the table as Peyton set the bowl of soup in front of me, “Eat up.”
“Where’s my phone?” I asked her.
“It’s over on your desk, I charged it for you.”
I walked over and pulled it out of the charger and turned it on. I patiently waited for it to turn on so I could see if Connor texted me or called. There was nothing, not even a voicemail. I should have started crying, but there were no tears left in my eyes.
Peyton sat across from me as I slowly ate the soup Henry had made. “Ellery, why didn’t you tell me about your cancer coming back? I thought we were best friends?”
I couldn’t look at her because I was ashamed. I knew my secret would hurt the people close to me. I’ve already lived it, and I couldn’t go through it again.
“Peyton, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I wanted to tell you, believe me, but I couldn’t bear to stand in front of you and see the look on your face after I told you. It was bad enough I had to tell Kyle.”
She reached over and touched my hand that was resting on the table. “Elle, I would have stood by you and supported you. I seriously cannot understand why you wouldn’t tell me. I get that you were scared, and you didn’t want me to worry, but what were you going to do? Just go off and die alone?”
I got up from the table and sat on the couch, hugging my knees to my chest and burying my head in my hands. “My life has been made up of hurting people Peyton. I need you to understand that. After my mother died, I was left as a reminder of her to my dad, and that hurt him so much, he had to drink himself to death just to cope. Then there was my suicide attempt and cancer.” I could feel the tears starting to spring back to life.
Peyton sat down beside me and put her arm around me pulling me closer. “I do understand where you’re coming from Elle, but do you want to know what I think? I think you made the wrong decision not to tell anyone, especially Connor, and now you have to deal with the consequences. I’m sorry; I don’t mean to kick you while you’re down, but you not telling anyone has caused more pain than if you would have been honest from the beginning.”
I leaned my head on her shoulder, “I’m sorry Peyton; I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”
“I can and have forgiven you Elle, but you have to promise me that you’ll call the doctor and start treatments right away because…” Peyton started to cry. “I can’t imagine my life without you in it.”
I turned towards her and hugged her tight. “I’m sorry, and I promise to get help.”
Peyton got up to clean up the kitchen as I went to take a shower. I got dressed and put on my coat.
“Excuse me, where do you think you’re going?” she asked.
“I have a couple of things I need to do.”
“I don’t think it’s a good idea that you go anywhere.”
I lightly laughed, “Are you my mother now?”
“No, but I do worry about you and I want you to be safe, Oh god I sound like a mother,” she smiled.
“I won’t be gone long, I promise.”
I walked out the door and headed down the crowded streets. You would think that the coldness of the air would chill my bones, but every part of my existence was already numb.
I walked over to the next block to a church I’ve admired since I moved to New York. I needed to seek solace in the house of God. I had unanswered questions and unfinished business. I reached the steps of the church and pulled open the heavy door that led inside. I have wanted to visit this church since I moved here, but Kyle wasn’t a church fan and wouldn’t go with me.
I looked around at the beauty of the stained glass that overtook the windows and many rows of wooden pews that stood before me. I knelt at one of the pews and said hello to God before I sat down. I stared at the altar as memories of my childhood flashed before my eyes; memories of me sitting in a pew just like this one, in the front row, staring at the large wooden casket that held my mother. My father holding his face crying as strangers all around gave me their sympathetic looks.
A single tear fell from my eye. As I wiped it away, a man in a white robe sat down next to me.
“Good day my child, is there anything I can do for you?”
“Hello father, I’m just here because I have some unfinished business with god.”
He gave me a surprised look, “Unfinished business, huh?”
I looked down and laced my fingers together, “Yeah, I need some questions answered about my life, and I was hoping to get them here.”
The priest sat and listened to me as I told him about my life. I confided in him about my mother and father’s death, my past and recurrent battle with cancer and how I hid the truth from Connor. I didn’t tell him about my suicide attempt, but it wasn’t too hard to hide when I lifted my hand and pushed my hair behind my ear. The priest looked at me and lightly touched my wrist.
“You’re a survivor and god gave you a second chance at life.”
I shook my head, “I know that father, but what good is that second chance if I’m not going to live a full long life?”
He patted my hand softly, “You don’t know you won’t live a full long life, and it doesn’t matter what you went through before; what matters is that you survived it. God won’t give you more than you can handle. He knows you’re strong enough to handle this again.”
I looked down and bit my lip. My emotions were all over the place. “The chemo was awful,” I whispered.
“Chemo isn’t supposed to be fun, but you survived and it made you stronger. What you need to understand is that you refusing to get treatments are just another form of suicide.”
I looked up at his face; my eyes stinging with tears. He was right. I never thought that what I was doing was a form of suicide. He took my hand and patted it once more as he smiled and walked away.
Chapter 24
I was walking down the street, not knowing where exactly I was going, thinking about my conversation with the priest when I stopped in front of Pizzapopolous. My stomach tied itself in knots as I stared through the window remembering how I made Connor eat pizza with his hands. I lightly smiled as I stepped into the Starbucks that was next door. The aroma of coffee was making me salivate as I ordered a mocha latte. I took my latte and sat at a table towards the back. I looked at the time on my phone. It was already 2 pm. I dialed the phone number that kept consistently calling me for the past 4 months.
“Good afternoon, Dr. Taub’s office, how may I help you?” The perky voice on the other end spoke.
“Hi this is Ellery Lane; I need to make an appointment to see Dr. Taub”
“Oh ok, well the first appointment I have is November 5th at 3 pm.”
I sighed, “Do you realize that it’s September 30th and November 5th is far away?”
“Sorry, but that is his first available appointment.”
I was now starting to get agitated, “May I please talk to Dr. Taub?”
“I’m sorry, but he’s with a patient right now; may I take a message for him?”
Once again I sighed, “Yes, tell him Ellery Lane called and I’m ready. He’ll know what I mean.” I hung up before she could say anything else.
I put my phone on the table as I looked up and had a near heart attack when I saw Connor walk through the door. He looked rough, like he hadn’t slept in days. He wore dark jeans and my favorite grey t-shirt that defined his muscular chest. A few days’ worth of stubble sat upon his face. His hair was tousled in a different way, but he still looked perfect and hot as hell. I panicked, and I didn’t want him to see me, so I did the only thing I could; I hid under the table.
The place was packed with people conversing and studying, so the chances of anyone seeing me under the table were slim; with the exception of Dr. Hottie who knelt down and peered his head under the table.
“You ok down there, Ellery?”
I waved my hand to shoo him out-of-the-way so I could see when Connor left.
“I’m hiding from him,” I mumbled pointing to the line.
“I’ve got this,” he winked.
Henry stood up, walked over to Connor and shook his hand. He kept him talking until Connor got his coffee and then patted him on the shoulder as he walked out the door. I got up off the floor and sat back in my chair. Henry walked over and sat across from me.
“Thank you, I owe you one.”
He smiled and took a sip of his coffee, “Nah, now we’re even.”
I cocked my head to the side and raised one eyebrow, “What do you mean?”
He lightly laughed, “If you wouldn’t have needed stitches that day you came to the hospital, I never would have met Peyton.”
I pursed my lips together, “You really like her don’t you?”
The grin on his face was priceless. “I do, and I know it’s soon, but I’m going to ask her to move in with me.”
“I know she’s crazy about you; I’m glad my injury brought you two together,” I smiled.
He leaned over the table and brought his hand above my eye. “I must say I did an exceptional job with those stitches,” he smiled. “I have to go; I have rounds at the hospital. I’ll talk you soon Ellery.” I waved goodbye as he walked out the door.
My phone, face down on the table, started to ring. My imagination went wild with the hopes that maybe it was Connor. I picked it up and looked at it. It was Dr. Taub’s number.
“Hello,” I answered.
“Ellery, its Dr. Taub, I’m glad you called. I want you to come in for some blood work tomorrow morning. After I get the results, we will go ahead and schedule the Chemotherapy. I’m happy you changed your mind.”
I wanted to throw the phone at the wall because I wasn’t looking forward to going through that again.
“Me too Dr. Taub, I’ll see you tomorrow.” I sighed and took a sip of my latte.
When I got home later that day, Peyton had told me that Henry was taking her somewhere special for dinner. I was truly happy for her that someone was worthy of her heart, even if my own was shattered beyond repair.
“Guess what else?” she jumped up and down. Henry asked me to fly to Colorado tomorrow to meet his parents.”
I looked at her, put on my happy face and jumped up and down with her. I didn’t want to ruin her trip by telling her I was going to be starting chemo soon, so I didn’t tell her about the phone call from Dr. Taub.
“Are you going to be alright sweetie?” she pouted.
I waved my hand in front of my face and walked over to the sink, “I’ll be fine. I’m going to lose myself in my paintings, so don’t worry about me.”
She hugged me tight. “Ok I have to go home and pack. We’ll be gone 2 weeks, so if you need anything or you just want to talk, you better call me Ellery Rose Lane. Do you understand me?” She grabbed her coat and opened the door.
“Peyton,” I called.
“Yeah,” she turned and looked at me.
“I’m really happy for you; go have fun and keep in touch,” I spoke with a fake happiness.
“Thanks Elle, I will, I love you,” she yelled as she shut the door.
It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy for her; I was. I was just feeling sorry for myself because I screwed things up with Connor. How could I be so stupid? What the hell was I thinking? I knew what I had to do and the first step was to apologize to him.
I called a cab and stepped out into the brisk night air. I had the cab driver drop me off at the soup kitchen; I wanted to volunteer one last time before I started chemo. Once I start, I can’t be around groups of people, especially the homeless with their colds and illnesses. I volunteered for a couple of hours and told Julius what was going on.
“Oh Elle, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be Julius, I’ve been through it before and beat it, and I can do it again.”
He high fived me, “That’s my girl. I know you will and if you need anything, anything at all, you call me or anyone here, and we’ll be by your side in a flash.”
“Thanks Julius, I will and tell your wife I said hi.” He flashed me a smile and nodded his head.
I walked to the next block to a tattoo parlor where my friend Jack works. “Why if it isn’t Ellery Lane; good to see you sweetheart,” Jack said as he walked over and bear hugged me. “I haven’t seen you in a while, how’s Pey?”
“Hey Jack, she’s good.”
He stared at me and twisted his face, “What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours? Are you thinking about a tat Elle?”
I bit down on my bottom lip, “Yep, I sure am.”
“Come sit over here. Let me finish her up, and then you’re next,” he winked.
The girl sitting in the chair was getting a tattoo of angel wings on her left shoulder, with the inscription, “Forever Yours.” I looked at her, “Nice tattoo?”
She smiled over at me, “Thanks, it’s for my boyfriend. Tomorrow is his birthday, and this is my way of letting him know I’m forever his and no one else can have me.”
I looked into her eighteen year old eyes, “Wow, forever huh?”
She giggled, “Yeah, he said that we’ll be together forever.”
Jack looked at me and rolled his eyes. I had to keep myself from laughing. He finished her tattoo and gestured for me to sit in the chair. “What do you want and where do you want it, Elle?”
I held out both my wrists. I pointed to my left scar; “I want CONNOR on this one and the Infinity symbol on this one,” I pointed to my right. “Make sure the scars are totally covered.”
Jack looked at me and frowned, “Who’s Connor?”
“It’s a long story,” I shook my head.
“It’s going to hurt Elle, you realize that right?”
“I know it is Jack, let’s just get it over with.” Nothing could hurt me as bad as I was already hurting.
Chapter 25
Jack was a great guy. He was one of those guys that had tattoos covering every inch of both arms, down his chest and back. He was an artist like me, and he proudly displayed his work. His black eyes matched his long dark hair which he frequently wore back in a ponytail. He started with Connors name on my left wrist. The sting was bearable. Don’t get me wrong, it felt like a thousand tiny pins were being poked in me, but I’ve been through much worse. After a couple of hours, Jack was finally finished. I looked at my wrists and smiled.
“The redness will go away in a few days, just make sure you keep moisturizer on them so it won’t itch as bad.
“Thank you Jack, they’re beautiful.”
“Do you have a ride home?” he asked.
“I’m going to call a cab.”
He looked at the clock. “It’s midnight; I’ll have Donny close up and I’ll take you home.”
I smiled, “It's ok Jack, really, I’ll just call a cab.”
He grabbed his coat, yelled for Donny to close up and told me to get in his car.
“If I’m not mistaken you live by my girlfriend, and I’m heading that way anyway; it’s no problem.”
I walked into my apartment, and first thing I did was grab my laptop, change into my pajamas, climbed in bed and opened my email. The first step in getting on with my life was apologizing to Connor, and I owed him a big one. I hit the compose button as a blank page came up:
Dear Connor:
I hope you’re reading this and didn’t delete it before you opened it when you saw my name. If you are, then you’ll see this is my heartfelt apology to you. Words cannot explain how sorry I am for not telling you about my illness from the start. I never meant for us to get as close as we did for that very reason. The night I took you home I had every intention of leaving and never looking back; if I had, we wouldn’t have met and you wouldn’t be hurting right now. I will never forgive myself for not telling you the truth. I believe in fate, and it was fate that brought us together. I told you I was saved for a reason, and I think it was to save you. You have a beautiful heart and soul, and you don’t deserve to never love someone. You will never know what you’ve done for me and how you’ve changed my life. I never would have experienced love the way I have with you, because what you showed me, and how you made me feel, was a first for me in my lifetime. I never loved Kyle. I was with him because he was there and I was afraid of being alone. It is what my whole life was made of, loneliness. My decision not to get treatment at the time was out of pure selfishness on my part, and I’ve come to understand that now. I want to thank you for your love and kindness. If I had one last breath left, I would use it to tell you how much I love you, because I do and I always will. Love forever, Ellery.
Tears filled my eyes as I hit send. I took in a deep breath, closed my laptop and fell asleep.
I threw on a pair of leggings, my pale pink long sweater and my black boots. I put some curls in my long hair and applied some makeup for the first time since Michigan. I opened my laptop and checked my email, nothing. I didn’t expect there to be any reply from him, but one could hope.
I called a cab and headed to Dr. Taub’s office for blood work. I examined my wrists and smiled at the beauty of Connors name and the infinity symbol. I entered the office building and took the elevator up to the fourth floor.
“Hi, I’m Ellery Lane, and I’m here for some blood work,” I said to the young girl behind the desk.
“Yes, I have your file right here, I just need to copy of your ID.” I dug through my purse and retrieved my driver’s license and handed it to her. She took notice of my wrist with Connors name.
“Oh my god, that is awesome,” she said.
I smiled and thanked her as I showed her my other wrist. The scars were barely noticeable, and for people who didn’t know, they wouldn’t see them. The nurse called my name and took me back to the drawing station. She asked me if I was nervous about needles and I laughed.
“I’ve been through chemo before, so giving blood is nothing.”
She managed to force a smile; I don’t think she thought that was too funny. She drew 3 vials of blood and told me to have a good day.
I left the medical building and decided to walk around for a while before calling a cab and heading home. I walked a few blocks doing some window shopping when a text came from Peyton,
“Hey girl, on the plane, headed to Colorado, tell me you’re doing ok.”
I smiled and replied as I walked down the street. Unaware of my surroundings, because I was too engrossed in texting my best friend, I collided into someone.
“Oh shit, I’m so sor…” I started to say as I looked up at the man I just ran into head on. I took in a sharp breath and looked down, “Connor, I’m sorry I didn’t mean…” I couldn’t even look him in the eyes; I was so ashamed. My heart started pounding so hard it felt like it was going to jump out of my chest.
He stood there staring at me, “No, it’s my fault I should have been paying more attention.”
We stood there in front of each other, awkwardly, with his hand lightly touching my arm. I pulled away; the pain was too strong and I felt my throat closing up.
“I have to go,” I mumbled as I turned the corner and didn’t look back. I reached an alley way between buildings and I stood with my back against the brick trying to catch my breath. All the emotions I tried to force away came flooding back and bruising what was left of my soul.
I ended up walking home which was about 10 blocks from where I was. I didn’t care; I needed to try to clear my head. I walked through the door, panting and completely exhausted. I made a pot of coffee, and as it brewed, I sat down in front of my easel and continued my painting of the wedding in Central Park. I wanted to get at least 2 more paintings finished before I started chemo. I was up till 2am, and it was finally finished. I painted it with the vision of how I would want my wedding to be; just a delusional thought from my head. I took my brushes over to the sink and let them soak as I went to bed. Tomorrow, I would paint a new picture.
Morning had come and gone. I was woken up by my cell phone ringing, “Hello,” I sleepily answered.
“Ellery, it’s Dr. Taub. Your blood results came back, and I’m a little concerned about your hemoglobin level. It’s a little low, but I’m going to go ahead and start chemotherapy anyway. I’m going to schedule your first treatment one week from today, but first I’m going to prescribe you some iron pills I want you to start taking immediately.”
I rolled my eyes, “Ok Dr. Taub, one week from today 9:00 am.”
I looked at the clock as it read 12:00 pm; I couldn’t believe I slept in that late. I put on a pot of coffee and rinsed my brushes. I took a quick shower and got dressed. I noticed the pile of clothes lying in the laundry basket that needed to be washed; I hadn’t done laundry in a while. I sighed as I picked up the basket and set it by the door. I filled a mug with coffee and headed off to the laundry mat; thank god it was only around the corner. After a couple of hours, I finished my laundry and walked back to my apartment where I saw Kyle leaning up against the door.
“What do you want Kyle?” I yell before I approached the walkway. He was standing there with his hands in his pockets staring at me.
“I wanted to see how you were?”
“You could have texted me, not just shown up here.”
This is just what I needed; this asshole to ruin my day. I wasn’t in the mood, and I needed to start painting.
“Here let me help you,” he said as he took my key and opened the door. I walked in and set the basket in my room. When I came out I noticed him staring at my painting.
“Elle, this is beautiful.”
“Yeah, isn’t it? Now what do you want Kyle?”
I was being mean, but I didn’t care; I loathed this boy standing in front of me and for what he did.
“Like I said, I wanted to see how you were doing.”
“Bullshit Kyle; I’m fine, now you know; now you can leave.”
“Elle, stop acting like this baby,” he said as he swiftly moved closer to me. Before I knew it, his mouth was on mine. I pushed him away with force.
“What the fuck are you doing?”
“Elle, don’t fight it, I know you still love me and I want you so bad.” I stood there in shock by his words and by his actions; I didn’t know what to say.
“Really Kyle, you think I love you? Let me tell you something you scum sucking, loathing little worm; you leaving me was the best thing that ever happened in my life. I never loved you. You were a convenience for me, someone to fill the lonely spot in my world.”
His face turned red and angry, “You’re a fucking bitch Elle,” he screamed.
“Takes one to know one Kyle, now get the fuck out of my house before I seriously hurt you.”
“I’d like to see you try,” he said.
I picked up a vase that sat in the corner of my desk and threw it at him. He ducked as it shattered against the wall.
“You are one crazy bitch; I’m outta here.”
I ran and locked the door, avoiding the tiny pieces of glass that were scattered across my floor. I heavily sighed as I cleaned up the mess I made, remembering the first time I met Connor in his kitchen, and I dropped the mug on his floor.
The whole week I never left the apartment except when I went to the hospital to have a port put in for chemo. I concentrated on finishing my paintings and successfully I did. Sitting in front of my easel was the only time when I felt somewhat normal. My heart was still shattered, and my soul was empty. I felt lost and broken and no matter what I did I couldn’t shake the feeling, so I just existed.
My first treatment was tomorrow morning, and I was scared. I had no one to be there with me. The first time I went through chemo, my dad managed to stay sober long enough to be there for me during my sessions, but as soon as we left the hospital he hit the local bar. Now, I was all alone facing cancer and chemo once again, by myself.
Tears came to my eyes as I threw myself a little pity party. I had some friends, but I was in no way going to have them stop their lives to help me. I took the paintings to the art gallery and terribly missed seeing Peyton’s smiling face greeting me at the door. She had one more week left in Colorado. Sal shook his head when he saw my paintings.
“Ellery, these are beautiful, you are so incredibly talented, I know these will sell quickly,” he said as he moved them over to the empty wall. I gave him a hug and thanked him.
