Текст книги "Forever Black"

Автор книги: Sandi Lynn

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Текущая страница: 10 (всего у книги 15 страниц)

Chapter 26

Chemo day arrived. I put on my yoga pants, a baggy sweatshirt and threw my hair up in a ponytail; there was no going to chemo looking fashionable. I grabbed my blanket and my kindle and stepped inside the cab that was waiting for me outside. I arrived at the hospital and headed to the cancer center where I would be a frequent visitor once a week for the next 6 months. Because I waited longer than most to have chemo after I was told my cancer came back, the doctor and I agreed to do a little more aggressive treatment that would shorten the duration of my therapy, hopefully.

Nurse Bailey called me back into the room where a total of 16 oversized blue chairs lined the walls of the sterile white room. There were eight chairs on one side and eight on the other; each chair having its own IV pole and curtain. I never felt comfortable with my chemo treatments. People always looked at me like I was way too young to have cancer. I was the youngest one there for the first 8 months until a 9-year-old girl named Molly showed up.

“Is anyone here with you sweetie?” Nurse Bailey asked with a smile.

“No, it’s just me.”

She patted my hand and gave me a sympathetic look, “Well, don’t you worry, I’m here with you.”

She was an older woman probably in her 50’s with short salt and pepper hair. Her voice was soft but perky. She told me about her ex-husband and her 3 grown children as she sat me in the chair and did some prep work. She excused herself and said she’d be right back. I looked around the room at the six chairs that were filled by people who were here for the same reason. It was weird because being complete strangers, we all shared a common bond.

“Someone is here to see you,” Nurse Bailey said in her perky voice. I looked up from my phone and practically went into cardiac arrest when I saw Connor standing there. I felt like I was going to suffocate.

“What are you doing here, Connor?” I managed to ask.

He sighed and sat in the chair next to me.

“Hello Ellery.”

I continued to look down at my phone, and I refused to look at him. “I asked you a question,” I demanded.

“Nobody should have to go through this alone.”

“I’m not alone, I have Nurse Bailey,” I pointed, still looking at my phone.

Before I knew it, he grabbed my phone from my hands and put it in his pocket.

“What the hell Connor?” I snarled.

Nurse Bailey came walking over, “Ok sweetie, here is your cocktail, bottoms up,” she smiled as she inserted the needle into my port and hung the bag on the pole. I gently smiled at her, “Cheers.”

Connor looked at me, “I’m here as your friend Ellery.”

“Can I have my phone back please?” I asked nicely as I held out my hand.

He took in a sharp breath, reached in his pocket, pulled out my phone and handed it to me. Our fingers touched as he put it in the palm of my hand. My heart started racing like it always did when he touched me.

“This is how this is going to work,” he spoke. “I am going to bring you here every week and then take you home. I’ve hired a private nurse to come to your apartment daily to tend to you and make you comfortable.”

All kinds of thoughts were running through my head; why was he doing this for me? Is this his revenge, to kick a girl during her chemo sessions?

“Why Connor, why are you doing this?” He looked at me with cold eyes.

“I owe you.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“You took care of me once so now I’m returning the favor. I know you don’t have anyone else.”

So now I’ve become his charity case, great. “The night you brought me home from the beach and put me to bed, you said we were even. You don’t need to stay. I’m fine you can go.”

He looked down and laced his fingers together, “I’m staying Ellery, and you are in no position to say otherwise.” I rolled my eyes and tried to think of a million ways to run.

“By the way, how did you know I started chemo today, and how did you know I was here?” I glared at him.

“I know a lot of things Ellery; I told you before that I can find out anything.”

I shot him a look, “Stalker.”

I sat there reading while he sent emails and did business from his iPad.

“You don’t need to be here, I’m sure you have better things to do than sit in a room watching people get chemo for 5 hours,” I randomly said.

“Whether I have better things to do or not, this is how it’s going to be, so let’s be quiet and don’t worry about it,” his voice was flat and cold.

Didn’t he realize I was pissed off at the world at that moment and he was making it worse? I didn’t want him here because it was bringing back all the emotions I tried to bury, but I did want him here because I had a bit of hope in the back of my mind that he still wanted to be with me and that he possibly forgave me. I looked down at my kindle and tried to read, but as I looked at the words, the only thing registering in my mind was Connor.

“How are you doing sweetie?” Nurse Bailey cheerfully asked as she checked my chemo drip.

“I’m doing fucking fantastic Nurse Bailey, because I know that probably by tonight, I’ll have my head down the toilet for a good hour or two.”

Connor looked at me and then at Nurse Bailey, “Ellery that’s enough.”

The nurse looked at him sympathetically, “It’s ok, she’s angry right now and needs to let it out, and I’m used to it. I just try to make my patients as comfortable as possible.”

Connor leaned closer to me and whispered, “Could you please stop being a smart ass? She is only trying to help you.”

I couldn’t look at him because if I did, I was going to slap him right across the face. I didn’t say a word. I was more than ready to rip that chemo line right out of me and run as fast and far away as I could. This is what I wanted to prevent, the hostility, the anger, the resentment. I just wanted to live my life with the time I had left, happy.

That was the longest 5 hours of my life. Nurse Bailey removed the chemo drip from my port and gave me a hug goodbye. Connor grabbed my blanket, and I tore it out of his hands, “I got it.” He heavily sighed and followed behind me as I exited the hospital. Connor opened the Limo door for me as I slid in the seat.

Denny turned and looked at me, “Hello Miss Lane.” He was the only one of the day that got a smile from me.

“Hi Denny.”

Connor climbed in next to me, “How are you feeling?”

I looked out the window, “I’m fine right now; it takes a few hours or even a few days for the chemo to hit you.” The ride to my apartment was silent.

Connor got out of the Limo and followed me inside, “I want you to start packing.”

I turned and looked at him, “For what?”

He took in a sharp breath, “You will be staying in the guest room at my penthouse.” I felt the blood drain from my face, and my heart started to beat faster.

“I’m not going anywhere; this is my home. This is where I’m staying.” But the idea of sleeping in the enormous comfy bed was appealing.

“Listen to me,” his voice was raised, “I don’t want you staying here alone.”

I walked over to him and put my finger to his chest, “I’m not your fucking charity case Connor Black, and I don’t need your help, besides you hate me anyway, why would you want to help me after what I did?” I slowly turned around and walked to the sink for a glass of water. I stood there with my hands on the edge.

He slowly walked up behind me, “Ellery, I don’t hate you, please don’t ever say that again. Yes, I will admit I’m still angry, and I will be for a very long time, but I need to put all that aside because you are my friend and you need help. Please put your stubbornness aside and let me help you.”

His voice was soft and his words sincere. I wanted to throw my arms around him and cry into his shoulder, but I couldn’t, he admitted he was still angry and that he was only my friend.

“You said you hired a nurse to come here and check on me.”

He sighed again, “Well, I changed my mind and I’m making other arrangements.”

“Fine, let me get my things.” I gave in because I didn’t have the strength to fight him, and I was scared of being alone.

He turned around and looked over at the wall that was missing a chunk of drywall, “What happened over there?”

I came from the bedroom as he walked over and grabbed my bags, “I threw a vase at Kyle.”

He let out a laugh, “Are you serious?”

“Yeah, he wouldn’t leave so I threw a vase at him; needless to say he left after that.” Connor shook his head and continued to laugh.

Chapter 27

I threw myself on the bed I’ve grown to love. Connor set my bags down in the corner.

“I’m going out tonight; if you need anything help yourself.”

I looked at him and gave half a smile, “Thanks.”

He walked out and shut the door. Did he just make it a point to tell me he was going out? I could feel the burning and the rage rev up in my body; jealousy was setting in. This was not a good idea, but if it got too unbearable staying with him, I would pack up and leave.

I didn’t have much of an appetite, and I was tired so I decided to turn in early. I was woken up by the sudden feeling of nausea that overtook my body. I looked at the clock. It was 2 am. I flew out of bed and to the bathroom that was directly across the hall. Thank god I made it as I started to vomit uncontrollably. Here we go I knew it wouldn’t take long; it didn’t the last time. As I was leaned over with my head in the toilet, I heard the door slowly open.

“Ellery,” I heard Connor say as he grabbed my hair and held it back.

I didn’t want him to see my like this. Moving here was not a good thing to do, and now I regretted it.

“Get out of here Connor, please just go.”

He knelt down beside me as he held my hair, “I’m not going anywhere until you are back in bed.”

I threw up a few more times, mostly dry heaving as he walked to the sink and wet a cloth with tepid water. He folded it up and put it on my head. I quickly grabbed it out of his hand. I managed to get up and take small steps towards the door. I was so weak that I wanted to collapse right on the marble floor. Connor lightly took a hold of my arm and helped me into bed. He pulled the covers over me and as he went to walk away, I grabbed his hand. He turned around and looked at me.

“This is nothing; you have no idea what you’ve gotten yourself into Mr. Black.”

He stared at me without saying a word then walked out the door, leaving it open a crack. I was too exhausted to think of anything. I just wanted to sleep peacefully.

I opened one eye at the sunlight peeking through the curtains that hung on the windows. I stretched and rolled over on my side, taking in the view of the city that stood outside my window. So much for the anti-nausea meds Nurse Bailey fed me. I heard the door slightly open.

“Ellery, are you awake?” I heard his voice whisper.

I rolled over and looked at him standing there in his dark jeans and a black cotton button down shirt that he left untucked. His hair was messy and damp, but in that sexy way that made me ache for him.

“How are you feeling?” He asked from the doorway.

I sat up on the edge of the bed, “I’m feeling ok at the moment. I think I’ll take a shower.”

His eyes stared into me as if he wanted to reach out and touch me.

“When you’re done, come downstairs and Claire will make you some breakfast.”

I got out of bed and opened my bag to dig out my clothes for the day. “Who’s Claire?” I asked.

“She’s my housekeeper.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you had a housekeeper, you never mentioned her.”

He ran his hand through his hair, “The opportunity never came up I guess.”

I walked past without even looking at him. I walked in the bathroom as he followed me and stood in the doorway.

“I’m going to the office to do some work, I’ll be home later.”

I kept my back to him as I turned on the shower, “Ok, see ya later.”

My words were flat with no emotion. I climbed in the shower and sat on the floor. I curled myself into a ball and cried.

After my shower, I walked down to the kitchen. “You must be our new houseguest Ellery right?” She asked as she walked over and hugged me.

I greeted her warmly, “Yes, and you must be Claire.”

“I sure am honey, now sit down and tell me what you would like me to make you.”

Claire was a breath of fresh air in this house. She was an older woman with brown hair that sat just above her shoulders. Her smile was as warm as her deep brown eyes that lit up when she saw me. Maybe she was happy to have another female in the house. I sat at the island as she put in front of me a cup of peppermint tea.

“Drink up; it will soothe your stomach.” I took a small sip and set the cup down.

“Mr. Black told me you were sick last night, so how about you start with some toast and scrambled eggs?”

I shook my head. I was curious as to how much she knew about me and our situation, so I asked an obvious question.

“What else did Mr. Black tell you?”

She smiled as she put the bread in the toaster, “He only tells me what I need to know. Mr. Black is a very private person. He says you’re a friend and he wanted to help you. He’s a very generous man.”

I rolled my eyes. If the chemo doesn’t kill me, then staying here with the man whose life I pretty much ruined will.

“Ah I see you two met,” Connor said as he lightly stepped into the kitchen.

“I thought you left,” I said with a – I don’t like you very much right now – attitude.

“I had to finish up some computer work here first, don’t worry I’ll be leaving soon.”

Claire eyed me and then looked at Connor as he sat over at the table.

“Here honey, try to eat something, you’ll feel better if you do.”

I saw Connor look over at me out of the corner of my eye. I picked up the fork and started to eat some eggs. The food was starting to help a bit, or maybe it was the tea, who knows.

Connor finished his coffee and walked over to me, “I’m leaving now so if you need anything Claire will be here all day.” I didn’t look at him as I waved my hand.

“I can tell this is going to be more difficult than I thought,” he mumbled as he left the kitchen.

I didn’t know if he meant for me to hear it or not, but I did and it pissed me off.

Claire studied me for a moment, “Calm down honey it’s not worth getting upset over.”

I decided that if I was going to stay here, Claire had a right to know what happened between me and Connor. I told her everything.

She sat down next me holding her coffee cup, “I figured something was going on between the two of you. You must have been the reason why Mr. Black was always in a good mood and smiling all the time not that long ago.”

She saw the look on my face and took my hand; she pushed back my sleeve and looked at my wrist and then took my other hand and did the same, “Does he know about this?”

I shook my head, “No, but he will soon enough, it’s not something I can keep hidden for long.” Claire smiled and patted my hand.

I grabbed my coat and stepped outside. The air was a little warmer than it had been. The sun was shining bright, and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky; it was a perfect October day. I needed to get lost in myself so I decided to take a walk to Central Park. I needed to be alone, and what better place than to think about how much my life sucked at the moment is in the park. I made my way to the Conservatory Garden and found a spot in the middle of the grass. I laid the blanket on the soft grass and sat down with my knees to my chest. My phone started to ring; it was Connor. Someone must have tipped him off that I escaped. I hit ignore. I figured he would go to my apartment first, then probably the art gallery or soup kitchen. He’ll eventually figure out where I am so I wasn’t worried, and I honestly didn’t care. I inhaled through my nose, taking in the mild October air. I studied the flowers that were around me for soon they would be gone.

I laid down on my back and stared up at the sky. I had a little talk with god and asked him to give me the strength to endure this process all over again. Connor kept calling me, so I turned my phone off. I asked god for a sign to let me know he would help me through this as I felt a tiny drop of rain fall on my cheek. That was good enough for me until a few clouds rolled in and it started to pour; so much for my perfect October day. I laid there staring up at the sky that was falling down upon me. I wanted so badly for the rain to wash away my illness and my fears. I continued to lay there in my delusional state until I heard a familiar voice call my name.

“Ellery, what the fuck do you think you’re doing, are you crazy?” I looked at him as he was walking towards me holding an umbrella.

“Are you, for coming out here after me?”

I saw his jaw tighten as he approached me, “Look at you, you’re soaked; get up now before you get sick.”

I laughed, “I’m already sick, what’s the difference?”

He stared down at me with a strange look on his face and did something I never thought Connor Black would do. He laid down beside me and looked up at the sky. I looked over at him as he struggled to keep his eyes open as the rain pelted him in the face; a small smile crossed my lips.

“Why are you doing this?” he asked as he turned and looked at me.

“Cause I can lay here and no one will know I’m crying.”

 He looked at me for a moment and then back up at the falling rain. We laid there and didn’t speak a word. Connor put his hand on top of mine, and that was all the words we needed. Both of us were soaked, and I was starting to get cold. I sat up on my elbows.

“I think it’s time to go.”

He looked over at me and smiled, “Good because I can’t stand being wet like this.”

I lightly laughed as we both got up and started walking out of the park. I suddenly stopped and turned the other way to some nearby bushes. I bent down as the nausea set in and I began to vomit. Connor waited for me to finish as he put his arms under my legs, picked me up and carried me to the car. That was all I needed to feel safe again.

He carried me up to the penthouse and to the bedroom. He started to help me undress as I stopped him.

“I’m fine; you need to get out of those wet clothes. Please go change; I’m going to take a hot bath.”

“Do you feel well enough to take a bath by yourself?”

I shot him a look, “If I said no does that mean you’ll get in with me?”

He looked down, “Ellery.”

I saw the look on his face, and it was one of pain, almost the same look as the day in the hotel room.

“I was kidding Connor, now get out of here and go change.”

He walked out and left me standing there feeling like an idiot. I didn’t make it to the bathtub. I put on my nightshirt and robe and collapsed on top of the bed.

Chapter 28

I woke up 4 hours later and couldn’t move. The part I feared the most hit me; the pain. I started to whimper when I wanted to scream because I didn’t want anyone to hear me. My body felt like it’d been hacked into a million pieces, starting from the top of my head down to my toes. There wasn’t a single bone, joint, or muscle that didn’t hurt. I tried to get comfortable, but I couldn’t. I slowly got off the bed and wanted to scream when my feet touched the floor. I stood up and made my way to the door; I stepped out into the hallway and dropped to my knees and then onto my side.

I started to cry, more a soft whimper like a puppy. Connor must have been in his office, which was the room next to the staircase because I could hear him on the phone. I tried to crawl to the bathroom, but the pain was too great. It wasn’t too long when I saw Connor running up the stairs, skipping a step in between.

“Ellery, my god, what’s wrong?”

At that point, I was shaking uncontrollably. I put my hand up. “Don’t touch me, it hurts,” I cried.

He yelled for Claire and told her to call the nurse immediately and get her over to the penthouse. He sat down beside me and touched my hair.

“I need to get back in bed, just pick me up and get it over with,” I begged. He stood and picked me up off the ground. He flinched as I screamed. He carefully carried me into the bedroom and laid me on the bed.

“The nurse will be here soon; she’ll help you,” he said as he gently brushed the hair away from my face.

I looked at him and cried, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for this, I never wanted you to see me like this.”

He knelt down beside the bed and lightly touched my hand. “You have nothing to be sorry for; I’m the one who is sorry. It kills me to see you in such pain,” he said as a single tear fell down his cheek.

I took my thumb and gently wiped the tear from his face as he took my hand and looked at my wrist; the one tattooed with his name. He didn’t have a chance to say anything as the nurse came in with her bag. Connor stood up and sat at the edge of the bed while Claire stood in the doorway.

“You are going to be just fine sweetie,” she said as she held up a needle. “I’m going to give you a shot of morphine for the pain.”

She injected the shot into my hip and told me to relax. She then asked Connor to step into the hallway. I started to relax as the pain started to subside. Connor walked back in room and to the other side of the bed, where he sat up with his back against the headboard. I turned on my side to face him.

“It isn’t always going to be like this,” I said. “The first 3 days after chemo are the worse than I am usually fortunate enough to have a few days where I feel good; well as good as can be expected on chemo.” He didn’t say a word; he only sat there playing with my hair.

“Don’t get to use to doing that, it’s going to be gone soon.”

He flashed me that smile that melts my heart, “I don’t care; you’ll still be just as beautiful.”

I smiled at him, and he kissed me lightly on my forehead. He softly took a hold of both my wrists and looked at them, rubbing the tattoos lightly. I saw the anguish in his eyes.

“I noticed these at the hospital when you were receiving chemo. I’ve been waiting for you to show me; why Ellery?” He asked.

I rolled over as the morphine settled through my body and I was able to step out of bed and slowly walked over to the window. “Because at some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life, and this is my way of keeping you in my heart.”

Silence overtook the large room until I felt his arms wrap around me and he softly whispered in my ear.

“Get back in bed and I’ll bring you some tea.”

I turned around with his arms still wrapped around me as I delicately kissed him on the cheek. He closed his eyes and took in a sharp breath. He released his arms from me and left the room. He came back a few minutes later with a cup of peppermint tea and set it on the nightstand, then climbed on the other side and sat next to me.

“Peyton called me and read me the riot act,” he laughed.

“Why would she do that?” I asked.

“She said she’s been trying to get a hold of you for a couple of days and when she didn’t have any luck, she called me. When I told her about your chemo and that you were staying here, she started yelling and said to sit tight because she was coming straight over from the airport to kick my ass.”

I rolled my eyes, “Oh god, not tonight.”

Connor lightly laughed, “No, tomorrow, her flight was delayed.

I let out a sigh of relief, “Good, because tonight I couldn’t deal with her.”

I must have drifted to sleep because when I woke up I was under the covers and Connor was gone. I felt so alone and did the only thing I couldn’t control, I cried. As my shoulders were shaking and the sobs were buried deep in my pillow, I felt an overwhelming sense of comfort from behind.

“It’s ok baby, I’m here.” Connor wrapped his arms around me and held me the rest of the night.

I woke up and patted the empty side where Connor laid and held me last night. I wanted to wake up in his arms and I wanted him to tell me that he loved me. I’m getting too many mixed signals from him; it’s hurting me and I don’t have the strength to fight cancer and him at the same time.

I felt like my chemo fog lifted and I was starting to feel somewhat normal, as if I even knew what normal was anymore. I followed the aroma of coffee down the stairs and into the kitchen where Claire was cooking.

“Good morning dear,” she turned and smiled.

“Good morning Claire, I am in desperate need of some coffee.”

She walked to the cabinet and grabbed a mug, “One cup coming right up.”

I heard a raised voice coming from over by the living room. I took my coffee and walked towards it when I noticed it was coming from Connor’s office. He was on the phone and he sounded angry.

“It’s complicated Ashlyn. Yeah, well I’m sorry about the other night but something came up; fuck,” I heard him yell as he threw his phone across his desk. He paced back and forth, rubbing the back of his neck and shaking his head. It hurt me to the very core that he still talked to her and still never explained to me who she was and what their relationship was. I heard his footsteps coming towards the door as I darted back into the kitchen.

He walked in and looked at me, “Are you ok today? You look better.” I could see the anguish in his face. He looked tired and weary.

“I’m fine,” I said as I looked down.

Then out of nowhere he went off on a tangent and started yelling, “You always say you’re fine Elle, even when you’re not, are you ever really fine? Can you ever just tell me the fucking truth for once in your fucking life so I can stop playing these goddamn guessing games? Can you say something other than I’m fine Connor, because you know what Ellery, it makes me sick.”

I stood there shocked, unable to say anything in my defense. I didn’t know this man standing in front of me and I didn’t want to know him at this moment either. He stood with his hands on the counter, his body pushed away from it with his head down. I walked over to him and as he looked at me, I took my hand and slapped him as hard as I could across his face. There was no emotion in his eyes or on his face, just like that night at the club. I walked out of the kitchen and started up the stairs. I heard something break as Claire looked at me from the living room. Before I made it to my room, I heard the front door slam. My heart was racing, but other than that I felt nothing at that moment. I couldn’t stay in his house another day. He was too affected by my illness and he didn’t deserve to live like this. I packed my bag and left.

I hailed a cab and went back to my cold, lonely apartment. I walked to my room and pulled out a piece of paper from under my mattress. I stared at it for a while, folded it up and tucked it in my purse. I threw the rest of my clothes, or really what would fit into the bag that was already packed. I grabbed some cash from my drawer, grabbed my laptop and left. I walked down the street for a bit until I was able to hail a cab. I got in and smiled when I saw Manny looking at me from the front.

“Are you going somewhere Elle?”

 “Yeah Manny, I am going somewhere, but I need you to promise me something.”

“Of course, anything,” he said.

“I need you to take me to the airport and you cannot tell a single person where you took me or that you saw me, please.” He looked at me from the rearview mirror, “Yeah, ok Elle, don’t worry, I never saw you.”

I arrived at airport and was fortunate enough to book the flight that was leaving in 30 minutes to Michigan. I checked my bag and ran to the gate. I handed the man my ticket and boarded the plane. I sat in my seat and took a deep breath. My phone beeped and as I took it out of my pocket; I saw a text message from Connor.

“I want to apologize for my behavior, I’m on my way back to the penthouse and we need to talk, if you’re feeling up to it we can go out for lunch.”

My heart sank as I read his words, but it was too late, I knew what I had to do now; it’s probably what I should have done from the start, before Connor Black walked into my life.