Текст книги "Fall From India Place"
Автор книги: Samantha Young
Соавторы: Samantha Young
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Текущая страница: 14 (всего у книги 19 страниц)
The door behind us opened and I glanced over at it to see Braden standing in the doorway. He took in my tearstained face and red eyes, the broken plaster on the wall, and Marco’s obviously bad state. Eyes soft with sympathy, Braden asked me gently, “Do you want me to take you home?”
I glanced back at Marco, but he hadn’t turned around to face me. He needed time to deal with this.
Me? I didn’t know what to feel. I just knew that a man like Marco didn’t lose control of his emotions easily.
I just knew that he loved me. Deeply.
And I just knew that it was all one huge painful mess that I couldn’t fix.
“Yeah,” I whispered, brushing tears off my cheeks and moving over to Braden.
I rested against him as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and led me out of the cabin. Walking toward the cab he had waiting, I glanced over my shoulder, back up to the cabin. There was still a massive part of me holding back, trying to protect myself from being hurt by Marco again, but that didn’t mean that I felt right walking away from him when he needed me. In fact, the guilt plagued me all the way home.
CHAPTER 21
Adam had told Cole to go home, cool off, and give me time to calm down before facing me, but I wasn’t mad at Cole. Maybe I should be, since he was the one who forced me into that position, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel that way. Braden took me home and I called work, explaining I had a family emergency – there was no way I could return to school and teach when my eyes were swollen from crying, I had a bruise forming on my forehead, my heart hurt, and my head was thumping.
Braden stayed with me, making me a cup of tea with a splash of whisky in it. He just sat on the couch with me, giving me the quiet I needed but also the comfort of his presence. He left when Joss and Ellie turned up at my door, and I knew he’d been the one to rally the troops.
Not long afterward, Liv showed up, and she had Jo on speakerphone. Ellie and Joss had left the kids with Mum and Dad, and Jo was close to popping, so she was at home with Cam, but obviously wanted to be a part of the discussion.
I was exhausted, but glancing around at their anxious faces I dug deep for the energy to explain everything – the past and the present. They had always been there for me, even when to them it felt like I didn’t want them to be, and for that they deserved the truth.
Once I was done, Ellie looked at me with tears in her eyes. “You’ve been carrying all this by yourself? Why, Hannah? Didn’t you trust us?”
I shook my head adamantly. “It wasn’t that. Please don’t think that.”
“You were protecting him.” Jo’s voice reached out to us from Liv’s phone on my coffee table.
Somehow she understood perfectly. “Yes.”
“Protecting him?” Joss frowned.
I shrugged helplessly, not knowing how to explain it. Somehow Jo instinctively understood, but having to explain it to someone made me feel like a lost young girl who didn’t know what she wanted. “I don’t know why. Just… I didn’t want you to think badly of him.”
“You love him,” Ellie stated simply. “That’s why.”
“I forgave the fact that he left me after we spent the night together, I forgave him for leaving the country and then not looking me up when he came back, and I did all that because, yes, I loved him. And I know that if he’d stayed, he would have been there for me through the miscarriage and my depression. I know that because the look on his face when I told him what happened to me said it all.”
“Then why —” Liv bit her lip, not finishing the question out loud, but her eyes said the rest for her.
I felt that familiar ache throbbing in my chest. “Then why leave him?”
Liv nodded.
Glancing around at their faces I knew they were trying to understand – and to a certain extent did understand – what I was feeling, but there was also sympathy for Marco in those expressions. “It hurt to find out he not only didn’t look me up when he returned but that he got some other girl pregnant and he was there for her. I know it doesn’t make sense to be mad at him for a situation he wasn’t even aware of but… I can’t help feeling betrayed anyway. I keep thinking if he hadn’t left me that night… if he hadn’t left me I might have been the girl he stuck around for. But I wasn’t. Isn’t the man you love supposed to stick around for you, to see you through the worst things that can ever happen to you?”
All three exchanged glances, looks that told me they got me because they had men who’d stuck around.
“The one time you needed him he wasn’t there.” Jo’s voice echoed quietly into the room. “But, Hannah… you know Marco’s capable of being that guy.”
I was silent because the reason I was in such a confused state was that I did know Marco was capable of being that guy. He’d been trying to be that guy for the last three months. Sensing my quandary, Ellie leaned forward. “Hannah, we have the unfortunate commonality of having loved someone who took their merry time getting over their own issues to finally be with us.” She scooted closer to me on the couch and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I snuggled into her as she continued. “So I think you know I get you, and that what I’m going to say comes from a place of experience and the desire for my wee sister to find the happiness she deserves.”
I nodded carefully, expectantly.
“You just said it yourself, so deep down I know you know that it wasn’t Marco’s fault he wasn’t there for you. Yeah, he definitely shouldn’t have left you alone that night, but you don’t know what he would have done if his grandfather hadn’t had a heart attack. He would have stayed in Scotland, but you have no idea how things might have worked out between you. I do know that the Hannah back then didn’t take no for an answer, so I have a sneaking suspicion you would have gotten your way. But that’s not what happened, and as rubbish as it is, Marco had a reason for leaving Scotland. And as much as you don’t like his explanation for not looking you up upon his return, frankly I can’t be annoyed at a man who stayed away because he thought my smart, funny, beautiful, strong sister was too good for him. I definitely can’t be annoyed at him for pulling his head out of his issues and taking time to prove to you he wanted to be with you. He sounds like a good dad, and I’ve witnessed him with you – he treats you like you’re the most precious thing on the planet. Adam and Braden were pissed off that you broke up with him, because to them, if you had to be with someone, they were happy it was someone like Marco. He was straightforward and he seemed very protective of you. We all liked that about him, Hannah.”
“Els,” I whispered, almost pleading. I didn’t need to hear this. It just confused me more.
“But…” Ellie sighed. “Sometimes we just feel what we feel. It doesn’t matter what we know is logical, our emotions usually rule. However, I don’t think Marco isn’t ‘the one’ because he left and he wasn’t there for everything that happened.” She nodded to Liv and Joss. “I doubt these guys do either.”
Liv and Joss confirmed this by giving me small sympathetic smiles while shaking their heads.
“Hannah, if you don’t think he’s the one, then he’s not. But ask yourself… why did you lie to your family to protect him? Why did you race after Cole to stop him from attacking Marco? Why does it matter if you’re not in love with him?”
Turmoil. Total turmoil. There was no escaping it. Although Ellie’s questions had opened doors I’d been trying to keep tightly closed since breaking up with Marco, I hugged my sister hard because at least I was no longer carrying the weight of the truth on my shoulders alone. There was a simple relief in that.
The girls were gone, returned to their kids and their husbands, but I knew that they were worried about me. I tried to reassure them as they hugged me before leaving that I was okay, but they gave me these looks that showed they doubted me. I couldn’t really blame them. After all, I’d just provided them with proof that I didn’t always tell them the truth when it came to what was going on with me emotionally.
The quiet wasn’t good. I tried watching TV, reading a book, but my mind kept wandering and I was completely restless. I felt like I was preparing for something really nerve-racking – I was all jittery and my heart was racing, like I had too much adrenaline flowing through my body.
When my phone rang just before nine o’ clock, I had to wonder if my body had a sixth sense.
Caller ID told me it was Marco.
I could have ignored it, but we both deserved better than that.
“Hi,” I answered softly, curling up into a ball on the couch, the phone pressed tight to my ear.
“Hey.”
I closed my eyes at the sound of his voice in my ear.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“I do and I don’t,” he replied. “I would have come over, but I didn’t know if you’d answer the door or not.”
“I don’t know if I would have either,” I answered honestly.
“Yeah.” He exhaled and it sounded a little shaky. “Hannah, I get it, but I have to see you. Can we please meet? We need to talk about all this.”
“I don’t know.”
“Baby, this can’t be it.” His voice lowered, deepened. “We need a chance to work all this out.”
His endearment reached out, its hook catching and tugging painfully on my heart. It took me a moment to gather myself and say, “I just need time.”
“And after everything you’ve been through you deserve whatever you need, but I’m afraid if I give you that time all you’re going to do is use it to keep us apart.” At my continued silence, Marco said softly, “I’ll give you time. But not a lot of it. I’ve lost you twice now, and I’m not losing you again.”
I’ve lost you twice now, and I’m not losing you again.
I’ve lost you twice now, and I’m not losing you again.
I’ve lost you —
I shook my head, trying to shake Marco’s last words to me the night before. They kept playing on repeat.
It was easier to switch the memory off while I was teaching, but I had only a half day of classes, and although I would usually use the rest of that day for marking and lesson planning, I skipped out of work to head to Cole’s place.
He looked like shit.
When he opened his front door to me, I winced, taking in his black eye, pale skin, and guilty expression. Without saying a word, I stepped over the threshold and put my arms around him, hugging him tight.
“You’re not mad?” Cole asked in surprise as he held me close.
I kissed his cheek and pulled gently out of his embrace. “For you having my back? No. For the bruise on my forehead… maybe.” I smiled, a sad smile but a smile nonetheless, so he’d know I was teasing. “I’m not mad. You acted impulsively, but your heart was in the right place.”
Cole blew out a breath between his lips. “I’ve got to say that’s a relief. I was expecting you to be so pissed off at me for letting the cat out of the bag with Marco.”
“It wasn’t fun,” I admitted. “But it was probably about time. I actually feel a lot better now that everyone knows the truth.”
“I did good then?”
“Oh, I wouldn’t take it that far. You definitely owe me coffee at least.”
He threw me a crooked grin and started walking toward his kitchen. I followed him, raising my eyebrow at the sheet of paper that had been pinned to his hallway wall. It had the words TOMATOES ARE NOT A FRUIT printed across it.
“I thought tomatoes were a fruit.”
“What?” Cole glanced back at me, saw me pointing to the homemade “poster,” and shook his head in despair. “Don’t even ask. Bigsie is on his own wee planet.”
“I don’t understand why he feels strongly enough about tomatoes to print a poster about it.”
“And pin it to our wall. There goes a percentage of our deposit.”
“Cole, you need to get a new roommate, or a new flat.”
“Rent’s cheap.” He shrugged. “Starving artist/poor student and all that.”
Right. Some of us didn’t have a wealthy brother and sister to buy us a flat. I felt a pang of guilt that I didn’t have to struggle like so many people my age.
Cole’s eyes narrowed on me as he pulled a couple of mugs out of one of the dingy cupboards in his dingy kitchen. “What’s with the guilty expression?”
“Nothing’s with it. I’m just a bit of mess right now.”
His features softened with understanding. “If you need to —”
I didn’t know what Cole was going to say and I never would because at that exact moment we both got a text message from Liv.
Jo’s gone into labor!
We both looked up from our phones, eyes widened, and I knew Cole’s was the same message because he whispered, “Fuck.”
He flew into action. In less than a minute he’d thrown on his boots and coat, grabbed his keys, grabbed my hand, and hauled me out of his flat. We got into his little rust bucket of a Fiat, which was older than Beth, and hurtled toward the hospital.
Nine hours later, Jo gave birth to Annabelle Walker MacCabe, a gorgeous seven-pound baby girl. The entire time I sat in the waiting room with my family, my mind was on Jo and Cam and their new family. When I met Annabelle, or Belle, as we were already calling her, she was all I could think about, and when I kissed an exhausted Jo good night, hugged my family, and returned home to my flat to get some rest, my mind was still on them all.
There was a whisper in the back of my thoughts, a whisper too loud to ignore, that wished Marco had been there to enjoy the moment, to be a part of my family. He’d missed Ellie giving birth to Bray and now Jo to Belle.
There was a part of me that didn’t think that felt right.
That part scared the hell out of me.
CHAPTER 22
A little under a week later I was heading out of my flat. It was a Saturday, the ground icy where the snowfall of the past few days had melted with the rain and then frozen over with the newly falling temperatures. I sidestepped a large patch of ice on my porch and started to make my way down the steps.
I was excited to be spending the day with Jo, Ellie, Belle, and Bray and had a bag filled with goodies for both children and mothers.
“Hannah Nichols?”
I glanced up at the question, stopping on the last step of the front stoop to stare at the pretty brunette who stood a few feet from me on the pavement.
My eyes washed over her, wondering why she looked so familiar. “Yes?”
The young woman took a few steps forward, seeming anxious, and that’s when I remembered where I’d seen her: the photograph of Marco and his son at the German Market. The pretty brunette at his side. Leah. The mother of his son.
My heart suddenly took off at a gallop.
“I’m Leah McKinley. I’m Dylan’s mum.”
Eyeing her warily, I replied, “I know who you are.”
She stared at me. “You’re just like he described.”
I frowned in response. “What are you doing here?”
Her expression tightened. “I’m here because I care about Marco. And Marco’s a mess right now.”
I couldn’t ignore the guilt and pain that knowledge caused me. Since we’d last spoken on the phone, Marco had given me time. But he’d been honest when he said he’d give me time but not a lot of it. When five days passed and I didn’t contact him, he called me. Having already told him I needed space, I didn’t answer.
I didn’t answer when he called me three times after that.
I couldn’t answer, because my fear had made up my mind for me about us, and I didn’t know how to tell him.
“Look, he didn’t go into the details, but he explained that something bad happened to you years ago when he left and now he’s blaming himself.” She crossed her arms over her chest, appearing annoyed. “I knew Marco at school. Not well. But I knew him. I knew he was quiet and seemed a bit pissed off with the world. I watched him change when he became a dad. He got, I don’t know, like, sure of himself. And happy. Yet, still, I’ve never seen him as happy as he was when he was seeing you.” She squinted against the winter sun. “He told me all about you, you know. Before. When I was pregnant with Dylan we became good friends and he talked about you. I was even a wee bit jealous of the way he saw you – like you were so much better than every other girl on the planet. I told him countless times that he was good enough for anyone, that he should try to get in touch with you again, but he wouldn’t do it. That really fucked me off – that he thought he wasn’t good enough. Now I’m even more pissed off because with you not forgiving him or giving him the time of day, it makes him think he is to blame for whatever shit went down with you. He’s back to thinking he’s not good enough. I know him. I know he would never hurt anyone deliberately, so I know whatever happened to you isn’t his fault. It would be nice if you’d let him know that, too.”
Feeling cornered, remorseful, and pissed off that I’d been made to feel guilty by someone I didn’t know, I gave her a look that told her I wouldn’t be cowed. “I’m not sure any of this is your business.”
Her face grew hard. “Marco isn’t just my son’s dad, he’s my friend. He’s a good guy and I don’t like anyone hurting him.”
“Does he know you’re here right now?”
“No.” She huffed. “And he’ll probably be really pissed off when I tell him I came to see you. But if it gives you a kick up the arse to do the right thing, then I’m okay with that.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Maybe not. But we both know Marco is a good person. He doesn’t deserve to be feeling the way he’s feeling.” She shrugged, shot me one last searching look, and said, “You think on that.”
My visit with Bray, Belle, and their mums was somewhat poisoned by Leah’s decision to try to force my hand in the situation with Marco.
I spent most of the day worrying about him, until I came to the conclusion I needed to stop being such a coward and call him.
There was no game playing on his part. He picked up on the second ring.
“You know how to keep a guy hanging,” he answered quietly.
“I’m just calling to tell you I want you to stop blaming yourself. I don’t blame you for what happened to me.”
“Easier said than done, Hannah. There’s a reason you broke up with me when you found out about Dylan. You said yourself that at least a part of you blames me for leaving you to deal with all that shit by yourself.”
“Honestly,” I whispered, “I did. I know that it wasn’t right, though, and I’ve worked through that. I know that what happened to me wasn’t your fault. What happened to me wasn’t anyone’s fault. We were both at fault for being irresponsible and not using protection, that’s all.”
“No. That was my fault. I was the experienced one. But it was you… and in that moment I was too lost in you to think straight.”
“Was that the way it was with Leah?” I asked caustically.
“Hannah, it wasn’t like that with her. We were both shit-faced. It’s a miracle we had enough faculties about us to get undressed and have sex, if —”
“Okay, I don’t want to hear any more,” I interrupted.
He was silent for a while and then… “It’s about Leah, isn’t it?”
“No,” I answered, and then sighed. “I don’t know.”
“Hannah, I care about Leah. She’s my friend and she’s the mother of my kid. But I love you.”
“Should it be this hard, though, Marco?” I asked. “Should it hurt this much?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what the rules are. All I know is that it means something pretty fucking important to feel this way about someone. I’d do anything for my son, Hannah. I’d do anything to protect him. To make sure he knows he’s loved. That he makes my universe turn. And I feel that way about you too. I want to protect you, I want you to know that for me there’s no one else like you. That you make my universe turn.”
My heart actually hurt in my chest.
“Hannah?”
“If it was up to how I feel when it’s just us and the world is quiet and everything seems so far away,” I told him softly, “we’d be together. I’d put it all behind me and we’d move on. But life isn’t like that. The rest of the world never goes away. Our mistakes are out there and we can’t hide from them. I don’t want to mess you around and it’s not my intention to hurt you” – my voice cracked – “but I just don’t think this is what I want anymore.”
“You don’t love me?” His voice was gruff, the way he sounded whenever he was feeling something deeply.
I hated that I was hurting him. “Marco, I’ve been in love with you since I was fourteen. And it’s hurt for eight years. I’m just not sure that’s the right kind of love.”
“I didn’t know there was a right or a wrong kind,” he whispered hoarsely.
“Perhaps not. But maybe I need a shot at an easy kind.”
“Or maybe you just need to give us a shot with all this shit out in the open,” he argued. “Hannah, when we were kids I was messed up. I didn’t give us a chance. But those two months we had before Christmas were the best fucking weeks of my life, and they would have been perfect if we’d just been honest about everything. Now all that is out there, and we can start over. It can be great. It can be easy.”
I wanted to believe that, but I was too scared. I wasn’t even going to lie to myself about it. I was terrified.
Marco could hurt me like no one else could because I loved him with everything I had. I’d allowed his mistakes, our mistakes, to bend me. However, I couldn’t let us break me.
Wiping the tears from my face with trembling hands, I prepared myself to finally make a decision.
“Hannah?”
“Marco…” My voice came out as a whisper and I had to clear my throat to get the volume back. “Because of you I’ve never given anyone a chance. If you want the whole and absolute truth, there’s never been anyone since you. I lied when you asked me when the last time I had sex was. I’ve only ever been with one man and that man is you.”
“Hannah —”
“It’s time I gave myself a chance to fall in love with someone else.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“I do. We’re not good for each other. You need to move on.”
“No,” he growled down the phone in a surprising and yet not so surprising response. “You’re mine. I’m yours. Don’t you dare run from that.”
“I’m not running.” More lies. “I just need a fresh start.”
“Hannah, I love you.”
“Please don’t… don’t make this harder than it already is.”
“No. Don’t give me bullshit clichés. I need to see you. We can’t do this over the phone. We can talk and we can work it out.”
Terrified at that thought because I knew that just seeing him would weaken my resolve, I hurried to deny him. “I don’t want to see you. I’m moving on, Marco, and I need you to do the same for me. Do this for me.”
I could hear that his breathing had grown shallow. “I can’t. It might be the most selfish thing I’ll ever do, but I can’t give you up. I won’t. If I thought it was what you really wanted, really needed, I would. But it’s not. You’re scared. I know you’re scared. I’m going to do everything I can to take that fear away.”
“Stop being a stubborn idiot!” I snapped, feeling desperate.
“Pot, meet kettle,” he answered, his voice edged with determination. “We’ll see which one of us can be the most obstinate, Hannah, because, babe, I’m never giving up on us. If it takes a week, a month, a year, whatever, the future is us. I’m spending the rest of my life waking up in the morning with you beside me and getting through each day knowing that when the sky turns dark I’ll be spending the night inside you.”
His sensual, beautiful words knocked me for six. “You are such a bastard,” I breathed.
Marco laughed shortly, harshly. “I see I’m winning already.”
