Текст книги "Until I Met You"

Автор книги: S. L. Scott

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Текущая страница: 15 (всего у книги 19 страниц)

JUDE’S MOTHER APPROACHED Taylor and Caleb around the corner outside the courthouse. Taylor, surprised to see her coming his way, stopped. He saw sadness in her eyes, and he watched as she took a deep breath.

“My daughter would like to speak with you a moment.”

He didn’t know why she was speaking for Jude. Why could Jude not just come over to him? But like what his lawyer would advise, he knew she was told not to. He shook his head, disappointed and hurt that they now required a messenger between them. Looking over her shoulder for any sign of Jude, he asked, “Why were you on my side of the courtroom?”

“Because…” she glanced at Caleb, shifting uncomfortably, and whispered, “love should win.” She walked away, leaving that sentiment lingering long after.

Caleb warned, “I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“I don’t care anymore.”

When Jude’s mother returned, Jude was on her arm arguing with her. As soon as she saw Hazel, she went silent, then broke down. Jude stood there in her wrinkled sundress with her face buried in her hands, her shoulders shaking from the devastation. When she looked up at him, she knew they weren’t going to have their happy ending. Too much pain. Too much slanderous torment had divided them.

But despite all the water that had passed under their decaying bridge, they stood there, their hearts still beating only for the other.

“Why aren’t you looking at me, Jude?” When she closed her eyes and put her hands over her face again, he demanded, “Look at me!”

“I can’t.”

“Yes, you can.”

“No,” she cried. “I can’t. Please.”

“Please what? What are you doing? Are you siding with them?”

“I’m not siding with them. I’m not. I just can’t do this.”

“This? And by ‘this,’ you mean be with me?” Tilting his head back, he closed his eyes, and took a deep breath.

“Taylor, pleas—”

“Don’t call me that. Don’t you fucking call me that!” He pointed his finger at her in anger. “You’re giving up. You’re giving up on us. Giving up on us is the same as you giving up on yourself. I can afford to fight this for as long as we need to fight. But I can’t do it without you.” He felt frantic and took her hands in his. She was warm, recalling a million other gentle touches from their past. “Jude, listen, I’m here, however you need me, but don’t think for a minute that us being apart is going to solve anything. We will always be stronger together. I’ll take care of it, Jude. I promise.”

She wished he would repeat that promise and make it come true, but she knew he couldn’t. And more importantly, she knew what she had to do to prevent any further damage, namely his. The deal she had made shrouded her heart and blocked her faith—her life for his.

Pulling her hands back, she turned her back to him. She couldn’t handle her own tears, so his tears would do her in completely. She cleared her throat and barely above a whisper, said, “I can’t be with you. I can’t handle my own problems, so I can’t take on yours.” He tore down the invisible wall she had built and took hold of her arm, spinning her around to face him again. “Go, Hazel. A better life awaits.”

“No.” He lifted her chin. “Look at me. You’re not going to fight? You’re just going to walk away from me?”

“I’m doing the best I can. You won’t understand, but it’s how things have to be.”

“Why? I know you. I know you think what you’re doing is right, but setting me free, telling me to go live my life without you is not what’s right. What have they done to you?”

Her tears slowed as she looked at him, really looked at him. “Did I ever tell you that you’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen, even on the saddest day I’ve ever known?”

“Jude, don’t do this. I need you here. Don’t close yourself off to me.”

“Please, Hazel.” She slipped when she called him the name she swore she wouldn’t anymore. That name held all her feelings in it and pain shot through her heart. “Please, just go with it.”

As he studied her face, her tears drying against her porcelain skin, he saw the wall firmly in place—whether for his protection or hers, he wasn’t sure, but he knew he wasn’t going to get her back on a busy street corner in New York City. So he gave in, knowing this was not the time for arguments, knowing she needed him to, and lightened their last moments together. “Not handsome?”

Jude touched his cheek, unable to stop herself. “One doesn’t stand before the ocean and call it handsome. We didn’t stare at the stars last April and say it was a handsome night. Love knows only the beauty of its power, not the intricacies of verses. So no, Hazel, you’re not handsome. You’re beautiful like the stars. You’re beautiful like the ocean. You’re beautiful like the love I feel for you.”

“This feels final,” he said, his fingers running up her arm until he was cupping her hand on his cheek. He had to try one last time despite the passersby. “I’ve designed a closet for you. It’s huge, the size of a bedroom. Just for you. For all the dresses you’ll own.”

“I’ll always live in that beautiful home, but it will be in my dreams.” Her hand dropped to her side and her heart finally stopped beating as she uttered the most painful six words she would ever speak, “This is where our story ends.”

Her ache was visceral. The sound of her heart breaking rang in her ears as shards filled her blood stream. She backed away, her chest barren of beats or purpose. Turning away from him and his impossible eyes, she needed to block him out as his tears welled like hers.

“Jude, no. Please,” he said, his words rushed, “I’m begging you. Choose me. Choose us.”

“You deserve a better life. You deserve the best life.” She stopped speaking, not wanting to say it. Jude knew she should, her own maddening reasoning that brought her here needing to be buried for him, for his happiness. “Everything about our lives dictates that maybe, maybe you should give Katherine a second chance.”

Sideswiped by her words, he stepped back from her. “What? What are you talking about?”

She would use anything to walk away from him, leaving him as unscathed as she could. “When you’re sick, she’ll hire the best nurses to care for you.”

Jude’s head dropped down as tears flooded her eyes again.

Too much pain.

The thought of him sick, the thought of a nurse caring for him, the thought of him spending his final days without her broke her.

Her mother touched Jude’s arm. “We’ve got to go. They’re looking for you.”

The harsh ticking of time chimed in their ears, rushing the last few seconds they had together. Jude said, “I tried to kill myself after Ryan died because I had nothing to live for any longer.”

Taylor knew she was pushing him away. He didn’t know why, but he knew she would only do this if she had to. So even if he couldn’t have her, he still wanted her to be safe. Grabbing her by the shoulders, he held her firmly, needing her attention. “You have to live for you.” He demanded, “Promise me, Jude, when you feel alone, you’ll live.” His voice faltered. “I can’t live knowing you no longer breathe, that you no longer walk this world with your love, with your life.”

She pressed herself against him, needing to hear his heartbeat one last time. “I never had a reason to live before. But now, I can live because I’ve loved and I’ve been loved.” She looked up at him, her eyes pink from crying, and smiled. “Our love was spectacularly wonderful.”

“And reckless.” He breathed her in.

“The most reckless of love affairs.”

Touching her neck gently, he always loved the delicate angle. “Jude?”

“I’ll never forget you, Hazel.” She slipped from his arms and took several steps away.

“I’ll never forget you,” he added. “I’ll never forget the first time I saw you. I’ll never forget eating ice cream in the middle of winter. I’ll never crave breakfast like I do for dinner.”

“Don’t do this, Hazel.”

“What am I doing, Jude?”

Backing even farther, she said, “You think you’re convincing me of a future that can be when really, you’re convincing yourself.” Sighing, she tilted her head while watching him pull at his tie. “Go now, before you say something that I can’t say no to. Go back to your beautiful life. You’re free to start over without the problems I bring. Go, Taylor.” She started walking, but stopped and said, “But occasionally, think of me.”

“I don’t believe you, Jude Barrett.” He let her go this time, but made sure to say, “You can’t hide your love away forever. And when you’re ready, I’ll be here and we’ll be together again.”

Jude had no doubt.

Suddenly she was grabbed and embraced. Her eyes fell closed and this was everything. Everything that mattered. He felt so good, too good—warmth and safety, like ice cream on a hot day, and hot cocoa on a cold night. He was made of the best things in life.

“We can leave together. Go right now. Anywhere. Anywhere in the world, Jude. They will never find us. They will never find you. They won’t be able to hurt you anymore.”

She turned her back to him again, but heard shuffling behind her. Almost to herself, she said, “I’m not as strong as you think I am.”

“You’re stronger,” he said, his voice echoing his persistence. “You’ve just forgotten.”

“I need peace in my life. That means life without you.” The silence behind her grew as she continued, “I will always love you, Hazel.” She wanted to keep distancing herself but she loved him too much to ignore the name she loved the most.

As she walked away, she thought about the year ahead. She was right to set him free. She couldn’t hold him back from living the life he deserved. Staring at the long sidewalk ahead of her, she knew she had to let him go. For now. And if he found happiness, found a better life without her, she would let him go forever.

Legally, her aunt and stepfather owned her again. With her heavy, miserable and broken heart she travelled back to her incarceration.

One more year.

Taylor stood there, watching her, watching his soul leave his body, choosing to reside in another. The battle today was over. Defeat was never easily accepted. Heartbreak even harder. Caleb stood beside him and watched Jude go, and then asked, “Do you believe her?”

Looking over at him, he said, “No. She’s not a selfish person. They know this.”

“What are you going to do?”

Taylor needed to think this through, to figure out what was really going on, but deep down he knew any conclusion he came to wouldn’t make a difference to the outcome.

She was convinced what she was doing was right. He’d seen the conviction in her eyes. “I have my wife taken away because I’m sick. I have my life taken away because she’s sick. The legal system has failed me. I have no idea what I’m going to do.”

JUDE WALKED INTO the pink bedroom and found documents on the vanity where her brother’s photo used to be. She sat down and looked at them.

Her back stiffened when she heard her stepfather’s voice behind her, “Sign the document.”

She looked at him in the mirror. “I don’t care about the money. You can have it all. If I sign it all away, can I go free today?”

“Judith, how would that look to the courts. I can’t just have you going around, of sound mind, and telling all our secrets. The deal stands as is. One year. No one will be the wiser.” He sat down on the bed as if they were friends. “You know, Judith, I didn’t plan any of this. My brother was weak—of mind. He promised he would stop… He promised, but he didn’t. Guilt got to him before I could have. You were never meant to be a pawn, but when he killed himself, an opportunity was presented. Your aunt and I had plans. We loved each other back then.”

A shudder of shock rolled through her. An image of her mother behind Hazel in court came to mind. Is this why she chose the better side? “You don’t love my mother?”

“I love her, but she’s soft. We didn’t plan this. Leslie came to me—”

“Leslie? You’re blaming her? You sent me away to be tortured. You sent me away for money—blood money, guilt money, dirty, hate-filled money.” She held up the papers and said, “I would have given you this money years ago if I had known about it. I would have rather had my life.”

“You tried to kill yourself twice. Now you say you wanted life? I spared your life. I saved your life.”

“You saved me to get the money. You’ve played this all wrong. Don’t you see?”

Standing up, he said, “I see a spoiled little girl who wants a shiny new toy. But Taylor Barrett will never be yours until every last cent is mine and safely in my bank account.” He walked to the door that had no lock. “Sign the papers, Judith. This game is exhausting, so do us both a favor and sign.”

“I don’t trust you.”

“Sign the damn contract!” His harsh glare softened though not friendly in any way. “I’ll keep my word, but in the meantime, the Barrett boy is off limits.”

His name is Hazel. She gulped.

Too much pain.

“Your word has no value to me.”

“Don’t push me.” He walked out and slammed the door behind him.

Jude looked down at the contract again. They had been very clever, different names up top, varying amounts transferred. But she had no way to fight back, nothing and no one truly in her corner to help, so she picked up the pen and signed, taking her trust and handing it over to the people she hated most.

One year.

Her life for his.

But what if he would no longer be hers?

JUDE WORE JEANS. She never wore jeans, but then again, she had never set out to break someone’s heart before. Again. Break his heart again. Looking in the mirror, her face was sallow and her cheeks sunken in. She had not been eating much and it was wearing on her physically. Emotionally she could have cared less about food.

Hazel was the only sustenance she needed and he was no longer there. She knew she had to let him go. She just needed to hear his voice one last time.

Walking downstairs, she saw Roman in the foyer. He turned and gave her the gloomiest look, one that kind of summed up her predicament. She sat on the bottom step and he sat down next to her. “Where you going, Hummingbird?”

“To appease the court. As of this morning, I’ve been granted some freedoms. To appease my family, I will only be gone for a short time.”

“And to appease you?”

“I’ll break my heart to spare Hazel any more pain.”

“Won’t that break his?”

It would. And she knew it, but selfishly, she needed one last time to say goodbye. And it couldn’t be here. Not in her prison. It had to be where she had felt free. Alive. Herself. Jude. His Jude.

Jude dropped her head down in shame, her weakness exposed to one of the few people who believed her to be stronger. She wiped at her eyes before the tears could build. She was tired of crying. When she looked back up, she asked, “Why do you work here? Why do you work for people that I can tell you despise? Why do you stay?”

As if the answer was obvious, he said, “For you. If I’m not here, who will you have?”

“Kind of says it all.” She stood up, using the railing to lean on. When he stood, she said, “I free you, my friend. The burden of myself will no longer be. Leave. Find a good family with happy children and loving parents who are just too busy to have dinner ready on time. Take care of people who will be grateful for you and your loyalty.”

“You’re grateful.”

“I am, but I’m the only one.” She walked to the door. “I’ll be seeing you.”

“You’re coming back, right, Hummingbird?”

“The bird always returns to its cage.” The door opened and the bright June day was too yellow for how blue she felt. She went anyway.

Taking the long way, she headed toward the park. She thought about going to his apartment, but knew that would be too cruel. Too many beautiful memories there, a blaring reminder of the happy life she almost had. Instead she headed for their favorite bench by walking around the park instead of through. When she finally sat down, she pulled the phone from her pocket and made the first call on the phone she had never used before.

Her heart hurt when he answered, “Hello?”

She seemed to choke on her breath as it stopped and all words disappeared from her head. But her heart knew… her heart knew she couldn’t do this to him. She couldn’t give him hope when there was none. She couldn’t give him a way of reaching her, even if her heart desperately wanted that. It wasn’t fair to him.

“Hello?” he repeated, sounding less patient.

This was going to be the hardest thing she had ever done and she couldn’t have his soothing voice seeping into her veins any longer. Two weeks had been painful enough, but it was a start and she owed him that much, if not more, to get his life back on track.

She hung up.

Why was she even here? Why did she call? Was she so adrift in her addiction to him that she needed just one more hit of his human kindness? Just one more taste? One more touch?Would she really have asked him to come find her only to turn him away again? No. She couldn’t. Wouldn’t. She couldn’t drag him through this, opening the same wounds again. And hers. When all she thought she needed to say had already been said. When her phone rang back, she looked at the screen and the number that appeared. Her heart wrestled with what the right thing to do was and she ghosted her finger over the screen, careful not to answer it.

“Goodbye, my love,” she whispered and the phone stopped ringing.

Breathing turned difficult as her heart collapsed in on itself. She wished she could be swallowed up with it. That would be less painful than the loneliness she now felt.

Maybe he’d only been a dream. That was easier to imagine. He was a part of her, inside her, a man that only existed to exist inside her.

But the severed organ that fought for survival in her chest said otherwise. He existed. He had to. He was her light. Had been. And how could there be dark if there was no light, even if it didn’t exist in her world any longer.

As she walked, there was no doubt in her mind that she had hurt him outside the courthouse. What a mess I’ve made. And now, even honesty couldn’t get them any closer than they were right this moment.

The marriage had been annulled. He could now find someone who didn’t have to live in fear of retaliation, in a state of distress looking for peace, someone who could give him the family he deserved.

But for her, she wanted something simpler. She looked up at the puffy clouds in the blue sky and wished she could go to that place that doesn’t exist, the one Hazel spoke of as if it were real. Daydreaming had been her life for so long that she couldn’t believe she no longer had the ability. It had been lost somewhere in the last two weeks. Daydreaming had become a dangerous pastime once her dreams were realized. She didn’t know how fragile those dreams really were until they were twisted and destroyed while she held them in her hands. She took the remains and sprinkled them over her heart, hoping to feed the delicate seeds and maybe one day her dreams could bloom again.

But not today.

When she walked out of the park she made a right. Taking a left would lead to her house, but she needed more time before returning to her personal prison.

Three blocks up she waited on the corner to cross the street. Her mind was on other things when someone called, “Judith.”

She cowered and scanned her immediate surroundings, flinching her first reaction. A woman waved her hand from the other corner. At first she checked behind her, then when she saw the woman walking toward her it clicked. “Nurse Lacy? I didn’t recognize you out of uniform.”

Lacy laughed. “I get that sometimes. But yeah,” she said, shrugging, “they let me out of that place every once in a while.” As soon as the words left her mouth, she clasped her hand over it. Lowering it again, she took hold of Jude’s arm gently. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean—”

“Don’t worry. I knew what you meant.”

Lacy looked concern. “Have you been crying?”

“Feels like my whole life.” The words reminded her of Hazel and how he told his parents that very same thing the day they met.

When Jude’s eyes started to water, Lacy wrapped her arm in Jude’s and declared, “You look like you can use a friend. We’re going for coffee.”

“You don’t know the half of it.”

“Then tell me. Coffee is on me.”

Jude didn’t know what to think of this young nurse. On one hand, she instantly liked her and was drawn to her joy. On the other hand, she was suppressing the fear bubbling inside her from seeing someone from Bleekman’s. “I’m not sure that’s allowed. Patients and nurses hanging out? Sure-fire way to get in trouble.”

She put her finger to her mouth, and said, “I won’t tell if you won’t.” She continued with pep in her step and practically dragged Jude down the street until they came to a French bistro that opened to a patio out back. They were seated at a small round table. Lacy continued to smile at Jude while she placed her napkin in her lap. “How are you? I know that’s a broad question, but I’ve been worried ever since you left the center.”

“I was more worried being there, personally.”

“I’m sorry you had such a bad experience.” She leaned in and whispered, “I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I’ve wanted to for a long time—”

“What shouldn’t you tell me?” Jude was direct, the hair on her arms rising as her nerves started twisting in her stomach.

“I’ve researched your case and tried to talk to Dr. Conroy on your behalf. But they seem set on the early tests they did years ago on you.” Her eyes shifted left, then right, before centering back on Jude. “I think there was a misdiagnosis when you were first admitted.”

Jude smiled. “If their tests are wrong, what do you think is wrong with me?”

The waiter walked up and took their drink order as well as handed them menus. They quickly looked it over and Jude ordered a chocolate croissant. Lacy ordered the bread pudding, then when they were alone again, she said, “I don’t think you’re insane, or unstable, or crazy, like they say, like your chart says.”

“Then what am I?”

“You tell me, Judith.”

The ladies held their gaze until the waiter returned with their drinks, setting them down in front of them. “I’m not crazy. The drugs make me crazy. They fog my brain.” Lacy nodded in understanding as Jude continued, “Sometimes I wish I was crazy so I didn’t care so much, so I could escape this reality once and for all.”

Reaching across the table, Lacy covered Jude’s hand with her own. The gesture was reassuring and Jude felt more and more comfortable with her. Lacy confessed, “I can find another job, but I feel like my patients need me there. For some, I’m their only advocate. I can be one for you as well if you tell me what’s wrong.”

She hesitated, not used to opening up, much less to someone who worked at her own personal hell, but something in Lacy’s eyes—maybe the sympathetic kindness she saw—made her trust the nurse. “My marriage was annulled and we’re no longer together.”

“What?” she asked, dropping back. “How can that be? That’s not possible. I thought—”

“You thought what?” Jude asked, curious to hear her thoughts.

“I could tell how much you loved each other. I could tell how much he loved you.”

“My family didn’t agree.”

“Who cares about them? You can’t lose love like that.”

“I didn’t lose it. I was backed into a corner and had to sign it away.”

“I don’t understand.” The waiter walked by and set down their food.

“Lacy…” she started, but stopped, not knowing if she could tell the lies anymore. She wasn’t numb. Every last emotion was clogging her arteries and making her heart throb all at once. “My family has been blackmailing me for years for my inheritance.”

Lacy’s mouth dropped open and she gasped.

Jude said, “Dr. Conroy is being paid to keep me insane.”

She double blinked at Jude, and then again. Her hand was back over her mouth as she stared at the woman in front of her. When her hand came down, Lacy took a sip of coffee as she processed the accusations laid before her. But then did something surprising.

Her finger flew straight up, her elbow stationed on the table. “I knew it!” A thrill flashed through her eyes. “My gut instinct knew it, but no one would listen to me.”

She. Believed. Jude. She believed me.

“I’m very familiar with nobody listening. I’ve been shouting it for years, but somehow I’ve never been heard.”

“I’m hearing you now. I became a nurse to help people. Maybe I can help you.”