Текст книги "Taint"

Автор книги: S. L. Jennings

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Текущая страница: 13 (всего у книги 14 страниц)

“It’s not the same, Justice. Everybody needs someone.”

“I don’t.”

“Yes, you do. We all do.”

I grasp her tighter, pulling her so close that my lips graze hers. “Then who do you need, Ally?”

Her animated eyes search the parts of me she can see, this close up. She opens her mouth to answer, yet doesn’t say a word. And I realize, I don’t want to hear the answer. I don’t want to hear that she needs anybody else but me. So with my fingers knotted in her matted mess of hair, I kiss her despite my fears. I kiss her so she can taste just how much I want her, how much I needher. Although it’s more than my heart can stand, I kiss that angel as I feel every vital part of me being crumpled into dust.

Every kiss is a goodbye. Especially the ones that kill you.

“OH MY GOD, I can’t believe I’m doing this. I can’t—I can’t, Justice.”

I look up from the Ferragamos I’m slipping on my feet and furrow my brow at the red-haired goddess before me. “Ally, it’s not as bad as you think.”

“How can you be so sure? I’ve never done anything like this. Ever! Oh my God, I feel sick.”

Panic sets in. “Wait…what exactly are you talking about?”

“The walk of shame!” she answers, throwing her hands up. “I knew I should’ve gone back to my room last night. All I need now, is raccoon eyes and bed head. Ugh!”

I stand up to wrap her in my arms and touch my lips to her cute little pout. “First of all, you’re beautiful. And it’s still early; no one will even see you. And, no, you shouldn’t have left. You wanted to stay with me just as badly as I did.”

“You’re right—I did want to stay.” Her expression softens before her forehead falls on my chest. “This is so hard. Why is this so hard?”

I kiss the top of her head. “Because it’s supposed to be. Because things like this are meant to torture us until we bend and break. You just need to figure out if all of this is worth it.”

She looks up at me, and every dark corner in my heart is filled with blinding light. “You know, when this all began, I felt guilty. A part of me still does. And I’m disgusted with myself for feeling downright devastated, because I know that this can’t last.” She closes her eyes and shakes her head from side to side. When she looks back at me, those cerulean irises are drowning in tears. “And I’m trying not to think about it. I’m trying to just enjoy the little time we do have together. But dammit, it hurts, Justice. It hurts because I’m already bending and breaking. And there’s nothing I can do to fix it. If all we have is now, I know I’ll never be whole again. And, God…it’s worth it. You’reworth it. I’ll gladly stay broken for you.”

Every emotion inside me battles its way to the surface, and I open and close my dry mouth, willing them not to spill out. Here we are, two lonely, broken souls lost to our own desires. I was born into the life she lives in, and all I want to do is take her away from it. To steal her from everyone she loves and knows, and covet her smiles and gentle heart. But I can’t say that. I can’t tell her how badly it hurts when I think about her leaving me. I can’t describe how much she’s completely altered the man that I thought I was, and I how broken I already am. How I’m breaking right now.

“I will too.”

Ally smiles. And a lifetime of loneliness and pain disintegrates under its brilliance. So I smile too, because any time with her, whether it’s a day or an hour, is worth it.

“I wish I would’ve known you before…before you left New York. I wish I had met you first. But then again, it wouldn’t even have mattered. I would have found you eventually.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because…because you’re my lobster,” she whispers.

“Huh?” I ask, raising a questioning brow. Did she say… lobster?

She just shakes her head, wearing a tight-lipped grin. I lace my fingers with hers, kissing her knuckles before ushering her out of my home for the very last time. That once cold, sterile place that housed my secrets and solitude. The space she filled with more warmth than the sun.

“Come on. Time for class,” I say as we cross the threshold.

Stay, Ally. Don’t go. Leave him and stay with me.

That’s what I should have said.

“FIRST, I WANT to say how much of a pleasure it has been to have the opportunity to teach you and guide you all toward healthier, more fulfilling sex lives. Not only that, it’s been a pleasure getting to know each and every one of you. You all have been great…always willing to learn and improve, even when you weren’t 100% comfortable or convinced. And I just want to say thank you.”

I take a deep breath to steel my resolve and glance out at the eleven confused faces staring back at me. I am proud of them—all of them. And it truly hurts that I have to utter my next words to protect them. “That’s why I regret to inform you that the course will be ending a bit sooner than expected, and you’ll all be heading home.”

“What?”

“Why?”

“Did something happen?”

“Did we do something wrong?”

The questions hit me all at once, and I make a motion with my open hands to calm them down. “Ladies, I assure you, you’ve done nothing wrong. Just some issues have surfaced that require my immediate attention. Of course, you’ll all be issued a full refund and-”

“Why are you doing this?” The voice is broken, just like me. I can’t even look in her direction.

“Like I was saying, a full refund will be-”

“You can’t do this. You can’t just send me away. You can’t do this, Justice!”

I open my mouth to explain, but Diane rushes in, saving me from another cold, rehearsed line.

“Mr. Drake, we have a situation,” she mutters only for my ears. I give a stiff nod before turning towards the class.

“If you’ll excuse me for just a moment.”

I’m leading her to the back office that mostly houses locked file cabinets of client information and things of that nature. That’s when I hear it. A voice I haven’t heard in over a decade. A voice that shouldn’t be here.

I turn to Diane, whose dark, bronze skin suddenly looks ashen. “I tried to explain,” she shrieks. “Mr. Drake, what’s going on? The staff is worried…”

The voice grows louder, more annoying. It echoes through the foyer and pierces my eardrums with the pain of remembrance. I duck into the sitting area right off the great room, before I can be seen.

“Isolate the situation, Diane.” My voice is calm and level, but truth be told, my entire body is on red alert. “Make sure the ladies don’t know.”

But just as I say the words, I know it’s too late.

It’s too late.

Take a bow; the curtain’s closed. It’s time to go home.

“Ally Cat, come here, baby.”

I look around the corner just in time to see Evan Carr pull Ally– my Ally—into his arms. He touches her wild, red mane like he’s afraid it’ll bite, his brow furrowed at its newly freed state.

“Wow, you look…different.” He assesses her clothing, her sun-kissed skin, her swollen lips, still tingling with the taste of me. Ally returns his stare with bewilderment.

“Evan…Evan, what are you doing here?”

“I missed you. And with the scandal surrounding this Justice Drake guy, I knew I needed to bring you home.”

By now, the other housewives have trickled in, and while Diane tries to usher them back into the great room, her efforts are futile. The damage is already done.

“Scandal? What are you talking about?” Ally frowns. It doesn’t look right on her, and something within me shudders at the sight, longing to trace her lips and ease them into the smile that I know and love.

“The guy’s a hack, Ally. A fraud. He fooled us all just to get in the pants of dozens of innocent, unsuspecting women.” Evan flippantly runs a hand through his tousled, dirty blonde hair as if he isn’tdefaming my character and my business.

“You know that’s not true,” Ally replies sternly. She pulls her wrists from his grasp.

Evan moves in close as if he’s about to kiss her, yet stops just a millimeter away from her lips. “Yeah, but we have company. And we want to make this good for them, right?” Then he places his lips on hers, just as a camera whirs and a blinding flash covers the room in fluorescent light.

Evan brought the paparazzi.

This fucker is doing this for publicity. Not because he loves and misses his wife. Not because he is concerned for her and the welfare of ten other women. He’s doing this all for press.

A cameraman steps out from behind a pillar and snaps several more shots of the couple, as well as the interior of the house.

“Where is this Justice Drake anyway?” he shouts, drawing more eyes and ears. “Where is the big, bad, sex doctor now?”

It takes everything in me not to step out from the shadows and confront him. To show him just who the fuck I am. But that’s exactly what he wants. He wants that reaction, so he can bank off of it. I can see it now. Evan Carr exposes sexual predator, Justice Drake.Fuck that. I won’t feed his little shit show.

“Leave him alone,” Ally commands, nervously looking around. “Just…forget about him. I’ll go get my things and we can go.”

She pushes away from him and begins to make her way to the staircase, towards me. I can see the trepidation in her eyes as she scans the hall. Maybe she’s worried I’ll see her with her husband. Maybe a tiny part of her feels like she’s betraying me by being with him. Or maybe the worry etched in her face is a result of her shame. I don’t know and I don’t give myself time to debate the whysand hows,before my hand is grasping her elbow just as she slips past me.

“Justice, what are you-”

“Don’t go.” The words are out before I can stop them. And they keep coming, all my doubts and discretion smothered in desperation. “Don’t leave with him, Ally. Stay with me. Please. You don’t belong with him.”

Her animated eyes search the hopelessness in mine. “I can’t just… What are you saying?”

I take a step toward her and grasp both her shoulders. It’s now or never. If I don’t try, I’ll never get another chance. “I’m saying that I don’t want you to go. Ever. I’m saying that I can’t live without the sun shining down on my face, and I can’t dream without the stars kissing me goodnight. I can’t be without you, Ally. So...here we are: your two choices. Pick me. Choose me.”

I don’t even realize that the entire room has gone silent, save for my determined breaths and the sound of my heartbeat racing out of my chest. But when I hear his voice, I know that my plea has been heard loud and clear.

“What the hell is going on here?”

I feel Evan approach behind me, but I don’t turn around. My fixed gaze is still trained on Ally, waiting for an answer, a sign. Anything that’ll tell me that she’ll stay.

“Evan,” she breathes, though her eyes are on me. “Evan, I, uh-”

“Is this him? Is this Justice Drake?” he spits, his words laced with accusation and amusement. I feel him right behind me, and I know that I have to show myself. I can’t stay hidden in the shadows any longer.

Had this been a cheesy sitcom or soap opera, this would be the part where the camera would fade to black for commercial. Or maybe this would be the end of the episode, leaving viewers on the edge of their seats, ensuring that they tune in next time.

But this isn’t TV. There are no closing credits to follow the look of pure shock and disgust on Evan Carr’s face when I turn to face him. No heart-racing cadence plays in the background, signaling the transition into a nail-biting climax.

This is life. My life. The life that chewed me up, spat me out, and discarded me without a second thought.

“Sean Michael? Is that you? What are you doing here? And what the hell are you doing with my wife?”

I don’t say a word. I can’t. I just stay tight-lipped, as cameras flash and whir in front of us, our audience holding their breath in anticipation. My joints and limbs are frozen where I stand, until I feel Ally’s soft, delicate hand grasp my forearm. She steps into view beside Evan, her confused expression rivaling his.

“Justice, what is he talking-”

Evan nearly pushes her aside to take a step closer to me. “Wait a minute. Wait one goddamn minute… You’reJustice Drake? You’re him?” He barks out a sardonic laugh and throws his hands up dramatically. “You’ve got to be kidding me! Sean Michael is Justice-fucking-Drake. And apparently, he wants to steal my wife from me. Thisis rich.”

Every muscle feels so tightly bound in aggravation that I can barely move. I don’t even realize how long I’ve been standing there, staring murderous daggers at Evan’s theatrics, until Ally forces her way into my line of vision.

“Justice, what’s going on? Please, talk to me.” Concern mars that beautifully flawed face, and I instantly feel guilty because I’m the cause.

I open and close my mouth, trying to find the words to explain, but Evan, being the selfish prick that he’s always been, steals it away from me. One hand on Ally’s back, he waves a hand in my direction. “Ally Cat, darling, meet Sean Michael. My father’s bastard, and my half-brother.”

And all the fear, the shame, it all comes bubbling to surface, overflowing with my secrets and lies. I can see the repulsion in her face as she looks at me, hurt and betrayal in her eyes, highlighted by the flash of half a dozen cameras. She doesn’t feel wronged by Evan, her husband, for keeping such a massive secret, she feels wronged by me.As if all of this is my doing. As if I forced his father– myfather –to cheat on his wife with the young, naive maid and birth a son, just two months after Evan was born.

“You’re his brother?” she whispers in a broken voice. “You’re a Carr?”

“Half-brother,” I say, finding my voice, as if it makes my omission any better. “And, fuck no, I’m not a Carr.”

There’s fire in the water of her eyes. “So you knew about me? You knew who I was from the beginning?” She shakes her head, her lips twisted in disgust. “Oh my God. You knew all along. You just wanted to use me as a pawn-”

I try to reach for her, but she steps away. “No! Don’t you dare even thinkthat. Yes, I knew about you, but-”

“But what? How will you explain this one, little brother?” Evan interjects smugly. “You know what? I can’t decide what makes you a bigger asshole—the fact that you preyed on my wife, or that you’re trying to weasel your way back in where you obviously don’t belong. You and your mother were paid handsomely to stay away from us. You think changing your name somehow voids the contract? Father’s attorneys will have a field day with your ass!” He pulls his cell phone from his pocket.

“Father’s attorneys? Don’t you mean your mother’sattorneys? Since you’re so fond of hiding behind her skirt, you should know good and well that her conniving ass orchestrated that.”

Evan shrugs. “True enough. But you see, the thing about marriage is that they’re united. They are one. And we’rea family. You and your whore of a mother will forever be on the outside looking in.”

There are no thoughts. No intervention from Jiminy or any coaxing from that little narcissistic devil pressing at my temples. Just red fury and a blur of movement, as I snatch Evan by the throat and slam him against the wall. I don’t hear the women shrieking with fear as they watch on, or the clicking of cameras freezing this moment in time. I don’t feel Ally tugging at my arm, begging me to stop, or even Riku trying to pull me back before I do what I’ve wanted to do for decades. There’s only blind rage numbing my hand, as I apply more pressure to his strained throat and watch those denim-blue eyes, so much like mine, widen with fear.

I’m going to kill him.

I’m going to fucking kill him.

My childhood was stolen from me because Evan’s mother refused to allow my father to accept me. And when he arranged for me to attend the best prep school in the city, even that was taken away because Evan felt “uncomfortable” with my presence. And now he’s stolen my happiness. I don’t give a fuck if Ally is his by law. She’s mine, right down to my bones. She was always meant to be a part of me. And Evan wants to take that too.

So I’m going to take his life, like he and his bitch of a mother tried to take mine.

“Please, Justice, don’t do this! Please, you don’t want to do this!”

Ally’s voice cuts through the blood whooshing in my ears, but it sounds so far away, like a distant memory. I squeeze Evan’s neck tighter, and he tries to scream, but no sound escapes.

“Where’s your mommy now, Evan?” I spew through a painfully clenched jaw. “Who’s gonna save you from me now, huh? Huh? Answer me, asshole!”

A garbled whine escapes his trembling lips, and I squeeze his neck so hard that my knuckles turn white. I bring my face closer to his, ensuring that he can see the rage in my eyes, and that I can see the fear in his. “What was that? I can’t quite hear you through all your crying, Evan. You gonna tell your mommy on me? You gonna lie and say I was mean to you, like you did when we were kids? Or how about you tell her I’ve been rummaging through your shit and taking your things?”

A wicked smile curves my lips, and I bark out a forged laugh before leaning forward to whisper harshly in his ear. “Well, actually, I did take one thing of yours. I took it over and over again, until she screamed my name and begged for more. Until she came so hard that she fucking sobbed.”

“Stop it! Please!” Ally screams. “Somebody do something!”

“Come on, man.” That’s Riku’s voice. It’s far away, yet closer than before. I can feel his grip on my shoulders, pulling me back to reality. “Everybody’s watching. Don’t ruin your life for this fucker. He isn’t worth it.”

“Please,” a broken angel cries. “Please don’t. Please don’t do this.”

Her voice just keeps replaying in my head, begging me to stop. Begging me to spare her precious husband. Hell yeah, hurting Evan would make me feel better, but it would also destroy her. A part of her would die with him. And by making her a widow at the age of 27, she’d forever hate me. And that…that would destroy me.

I loosen my grip of Evan’s throat and let Riku pull me back, allowing Ally to swiftly move to aid her husband as he crumples to the ground, coughing and sputtering. She brushes his hair from his sweat-dampened forehead and caresses his beet-red face, crying for him. Crying for the life she nearly witnessed fade away by my own hands.

Someone rushes to help Evan to his feet, and with Ally pressed against his side, they usher him towards the exit.

“You didn’t take her,” he tries to spit over his shoulder in a strained whisper. “You just paid for her with every fucking dime you own.”

I don’t respond. I don’t even give him a second look. I just keep watching, as Ally makes her choice. Evan is the lesser of two evils. And I’m…I’m just less.

He’s the star in her life. I was just the understudy.

Just before she crosses the threshold, she turns to look at me one last time. Sunlight filters through a single teardrop sliding down her cheek, turning it to crystallized sorrow. I want to go to her, capture it in my palm and kiss it away until it dissolves into nothing. But her tears are not for me. They’re because of me.

The anguished angel slips away from me, fleeing my singular hell as fire trails behind her. Stars burn and fall from my sky, and the clouds cry, darkening in sorrow.

The sun is gone. I’ve lost her forever.

–Message 12 of 23–

Dear Justice,

Happy (belated) New Year.

I’m not sure if you’ve been receiving my emails, but as your publicist—and I still am your publicist, like it or not—I feel the need to keep checking in with you. You know¸ to update you on what’s going on here. And to let you know that we’re all worried about you.

There, I said it. I’m worried about you.

Last I heard, you were in Tokyo, and then holed up in a chateau in France. Your mother has been in touch, and told me that you were in Poland briefly, visiting your grandparents for the holidays. She’s a lovely woman, by the way. She even told the story of your unfortunate former name. Sean Connery and Michael Douglas, huh? Can’t say that I blame her.

Anyway, after Poland, the trail went cold. That was three weeks ago.

Look, I get it. You’re pissed at the world right now. But at least let me know that you’re alive so I know I’m not writing a corpse.

I doubt you’ve been keeping up to date with current events, because if you were, you’d be home by now. So I’ll spare you the gory details and get right down to business. Evan Carr dropped any and all charges against you. Apparently, you have a guardian angel watching over you, because his team was ready to go to war. So count that as a victory—your home is safe.

However, things may look completely different if you don’t get your ass back here soon. Diane and Riku came up with this crazy idea to completely transform Oasis into a Hedonism-style couples resort. And considering that you’ve got folks trying to visit this place like it’s Disneyland for perverts, I think it’s a solid plan. Laura and Brad have agreed to come on board full-time, teaching tantric yoga amongst otherthings. They’ve even talked to Candi and Jewel about a strip aerobics-type class and a more intimate, striptease course for couples. They are all happy to help, Justice. They care about you…we all do.

Obviously, Erin was not invited back to the property. Last I heard, she dropped out of med school and is one snort away from being a coked out call girl. Unlucky for her and her bullshit little blackmail stunt, once the footage was released from, you know, that day…her audiotape was worthless. So not only is she a lying whore, she’s a broke, jobless, lying whore.

I don’t know if you’re reading these, or if you’re even somewhere that has Wi-Fi, but just know that we’re rooting for you. Nobody blames you for what you did to Evan; that little shit deserved it. And now that everyone knows that you’re Winston Carr, II’s abandoned son, the whole world sympathizes with you and understands why you reacted the way you did.

They stole everything from you, Justice. Don’t let them take away everything that you’ve accomplished as well.

Okay, until next time. Maybe you’ll actually reply and let me know that you’re not dead in some ditch in Rio. Like I said before, we’re all here for you. If you want to leave Justice Drake behind, I totally understand. But don’t leave us behind. Don’t desert the people that love you. Okay?

–Heidi

THE EMAIL IS one of many I’ve read and discarded, stowing it all in that numb place inside me that isn’t allowed to feel or grieve. It’s better that way, for me, for everyone.

Heidi is right—I don’t keep up with current events. I don’t even watch television. Sometimes I pass a newsstand at an airport, and a familiar face looks back at me from those pages, but even that occurs less and less. According to the chatter amongst the local youth, I’ve gathered that a young Hollywood starlet is pregnant and she isn’t sure which Franco brother is the father. Ouch. Considering she’s barely legal, my money’s on Big Franco.

I’m sitting in a coffee shop in Amsterdam, enjoying a cup of herbal tea—you know…the fun kind—listening to the sounds of the city. It’s busy here, alive. Yet, there’s something so relaxing and mellow about this place. Maybe it’s the pot talking. Maybe my mind is finally distracted enough to feel something other than anger and regret. I even almost smile. Almost.

The shop girl grins at me, and I nod back. She’s beautiful, exotic with dark hair and features, yet her eyes are hauntingly light. A couple months ago, my gaze may have lingered on her just a little bit longer. Maybe I would have given her a small smile back. Just enough to show her that she had my attention, and could keep it, for a night.

The shop is empty, so she switches the television from a soccer match to what sounds like a comedy sitcom.

“Is this ok?” she asks me in heavily accented English.

I nod without looking at the screen and give her a forced grin. She takes it as an invitation and comes to stand at my little table.

“This is my favorite,” she says, smiling towards the TV. “And I’m glad they play the reruns in English. It helped me learn.”

I finally pull my attention away from the tiny herbs floating in my teacup and glance at the television. And the moment my eyes fall on the screen, I feel like I’ve been dumped into a dark, endless pool of ice-cold water. Just when I think someone has shown me mercy and thrown me a lifesaver, I realize that it’s weighted, and I sink straight to the bottom.

I can’t escape this.

I can’t escape her.

No matter where I go, she’s there. Even when she’s a million miles away.

Quirky Phoebe is comforting Ross, telling him to hang in there because no matter what, Rachel is his lobster. And once lobsters meet and fall in love, they mate for life. They always find each other. And sooner or later, Rachel and Ross will be together.

For the next half hour, I watch as pathetic Ross uses that reasoning with Rachel, trying to make her see that he is the only one for her. He fails miserably, of course, and Rachel dismisses him in exchange for more appealing prospects. Prospects like the Evan Carrs of the world. Because girls like Rachel don’t go for guys like Ross. No one wants the runner up.

The gang is sitting around Monica’s living room watching an old VHS tape of high school prom. Rachel is distraught after being stood up by her date, Chip. In the background sits lonely Ross—silent and unseen. His parents persuade him to take Rachel to the prom, and after some pressure, he agrees. And I see it—the light in Ross’s eyes. The very moment he is filled with hope and dreams and blind foolishness.

All of which are crushed into a speck of dust when Rachel runs past him and out the door…with Chip.

No one ever knew just how deeply Ross felt for her. He never told anyone. He isolated himself in his pain and rejection because he thought he wasn’t good enough. He knew he was the less than.

Adult Rachel sees him—finally seeshim. And she understands. Ross was made for her. She was made for him. And no amount of time or distance or circumstance can change that.

The two lock lips, and a giddy Phoebe repeats her heartfelt declaration from earlier. “See…he’s her lobster.”

As the episode ends, I get it. I finally get what Ally meant that day. And without rhyme or reason, I laugh.

Like, reallylaugh.

I laugh so hard that I’m doubled over, holding my side. The barista backs away slowly, startled by my sudden burst of hysterics. She probably thinks I’m high as a kite, and maybe I am. I don’t even care. It feels good just to release… something.

“Damn you, Phoebe Buffay,” I say out loud, shaking my head with a stupid grin on my face. “Damn you.”