Текст книги "The Divide"

Автор книги: Robert Charles Wilson

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She poured a cup of coffee for him and one for herself and carried them into the living room. She sat opposite him in the easy chair, took a sip—bitter black coffee—and listened to the sudden silence of the room, the absence of her own voice.

Roch said, “I lost my job.”

She put her cup down. “Oh, shit.”

He waved his hand. “It was a stupid job.”

Roch had been working as a parcel clerk at the BPX depot, the last Amelie had heard. This was, frankly, not a great surprise; Roch had never been good at keeping jobs. But it was not good news, either.

She said, “You found anything else?”

“I have some leads.”

“What happened?”

He shrugged.

“You have any money?”

He said, “Is that an offer?”

“I don’t have a hell of a lot to spare.”

Roch was silent for a while. His expression was reptilian, Amelie thought, the combination of his pout and the slow, periodic blinking of his eyes. She was tempted to stare. Instead, she looked at her coffee cup.

Roch said, “You could earn some.”

“What—George is gonna raise my salary because I have an unemployed brother?”

It was the wrong thing to say. Her brother paused in his blinking. “Calyx! Amelie, do you think I’m stupid?”

When Roch got angry he slipped into his father’s vernacular: it wascalyx this and tabernacle that, maudit ciboire de Christ and so on. Venerable back country curses. She shrank down in her chair. “That’s not what I meant.”

Roch smiled. The steady semaphoring of his eyelids began again. “Waitressing is not the only way to make money.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I have a problem here. I have to pay rent, you know.”

“Look, what do you want? Some cash? A loan?” She reached for her purse. “I can give you twenty.”

“Fuck that,” Roch said. “Twenty dollars? Christ!”

She waited.

He said, “Remember when we came to this city?”

Now Amelie was silent for a beat.

“Yes,” she said.

“You remember what we did then?”

Deep breath.

“Yes.”

“Maybe the time has come again.”

“No,” Amelie said.

“What?”

“I said no! All right? Is that clear? I won’t do it.”

“I don’t like the tone of your voice.”

“I don’t care.” She couldn’t look at him.

He said, “You don’t care that I’m broke—that I’ll be out on the street?”

“No. I meant—”

“Hey, I’m your little brother! You look after me!”

“So you want to pimp for me? Is that your idea of a good career move?”

Christ de calyx! As her father might have said.

But Roch only smiled. “You can keep your day job.”

“Well, fuck you!”

Her reaction was involuntary. She hated him for bringing up the subject. Sure, she had done some things in the past. She was barely seventeen when they left home; Roch was younger. They slept on warehouse roofs some nights, and other nights they rented rooms in the wino hotels on Queen Street. You can’t survive on the street without doing something you don’t like. And so maybe she had done that—what he talked about—when they needed the money, and maybe once or twice just because they wanted the money … but that was the old days. He was crazy, coming here with a proposition like that.

So she stood up and said fuck you and it was a mistake, because Roch did not take well to that kind of abuse—as he had told her many times—and now he was standing up, inches away from her, so close she could smell the hot-metal reek of his breath. He did not blink at all. He took her wrist in a fierce grip. All that weight-lifting had made him strong.

He said, “You do it if I tell you to do it.” Then he slapped her.

The slap was painful and Amelie stumbled away from him. She caught her foot against the table supporting the stereo; she fell down hard on the floor and the tape player came tumbling down after her. Strange Days popped out of the cassette compartment with a streamer of tape reeling after it. Amelie closed her eyes.

Opened them, and saw Benjamin come out of the bedroom.

She looked up from the floor, blinking.

Benjamin stood in the doorway with his Levis half unbuttoned and his belt undone. He was naked from the waist up. His hair was tousled. He gave Amelie a long look and then stared at Roch. He said, “Who the hell are you?”

“Never mind,” Amelie said, “it’s nothing.” But the damage was already done.

Roch broke out into a big anticipatory grin.

“I’m her brother,” Roch said. “Who the fuck are you?”

Benjamin stepped forward. He was as tall as Roch but less bulky—he looked emaciated by comparison. And fragile, his hairless chest exposed. He said, “I guess you were leaving.”

Amelie had never heard him talk like that before.

Roch said, “Guess again.”

Benjamin didn’t flinch. He was looking at Roch with an expression Amelie had never seen on him before, a kind of automatic and terrible contempt … which unnerved Roch, who balled his fist.

“Get out of my face,” Roch said.

“Get out of my home,” Benjamin said.

Roch drew back his fist …

But Benjamin hit him in the face.

Roch just stood there, blinking, as if he was working it out in his head:what happened?—what?—then raised his hand to his nose. It was bleeding; Roch examined the blood for a long moment. Then he drew back his fist and threw it at Benjamin in a terrible, pistoning boxer’s punch … but Benjamin moved out of the way somehow; and then Roch—who was a member of a Cabbagetown boxing club, a heavyweight—threw a couple of very serious street punches. But Benjamin just leaned around them somehow and threw a few punches of his own, little nettling jabs that infuriated the bigger man. It was crazy, Amelie thought, it was not even a fight, there was nothing fair about it; it was a humiliation. Roch was turning a bright brick red. He screamed, “Stand still, you fucking faggot!”

And Benjamin stood still, but Roch didn’t respond—couldn’t, maybe.

The expression on Benjamin’s face was terrifying. It was a cold, radiant confidence in his own supremacy, an unblinking ferocity. He moved closer to Roch now, stood so that he was separated from him by a few inches of air. Amelie imagined the space between them as white-hot, flashing with some kind of invisible lightning. She could not see all of Benjamin’s face now but she could see Roch’s, and she was stunned by the fear he began suddenly to radiate. Staring into Benjamin’s eyes and seeing … what?

Something awful.

Benjamin said one word, very low; Amelie thought it was, “Leave.”

Roch turned away like a whipped child and lurched to the door.

Before he left he turned and pointed a trembling finger down at Amelie. He looked as if he was about to burst into tears.

“You,” he said. “You …cunt …”

And then fled.

And Amelie turned to look at Benjamin, and understood all at once what had happened:

He wasn’t Benjamin right now.

He was John.

* * *

He looked down at her in that way she hated, a mixture of pity and condescension at the back of his eyes. He started to say something—it might have been “I’m sorry.”

“Get out,” Amelie said. She was embarrassed, hurt, humiliated—she couldn’t stand him looking at her. “Just leave.”

His eyes lingered a moment longer. Then he nodded.

He went back to the bedroom for a shirt and a jacket, and then he left … but he stopped on the way out and picked up something that had slipped off the lamp-stand during his fight with Roch. It looked like a scrap of paper, Amelie thought … with maybe a phone number written on it.

3

It was near midnight when John called.

Susan had eaten dinner at the hotel coffee shop and had come back to her room to read, hiding from this strange city in the pages of a book. She had a Joyce Carol Oates novel and a Travis McGee mystery, both from the paperback rack in the lobby. She loved to read, and after her father’s death she had thought about giving up the sciences and starting over as an English major. She decided against it for a couple of reasons. Her taste in reading was way too catholic—she read Faulkner and Stephen King with approximately equal relish. And she was afraid of destroying the pleasure she took in these books. Susan was not analytical about fiction; she had been twelve years old before she understood that books had writers, that they had to be manufactured, somehow, like shoes. Better not to inquire too closely into cherished illusions… They were fragile.

Tonight the Joyce Carol Oates seemed a little too architectural; she slipped into the welcoming embrace of Travis McGee. Old Travis had mellowed a lot in his later books. He had more second thoughts these days. She liked that.

With the drapes open she curled up in bed, propped up with pillows behind her and a view of the city lights running north to the horizon. She was three chapters into the book and inclining toward sleep when the phone rang.

She picked it up expecting Dr. Kyriakides, but it was late for him to be calling; she couldn’t place the voice at first.

“John Shaw,” he said.

Well—obviously. But he sounded younger on the phone. You couldn’t see his eyes; his eyes were ancient.

Susan struggled to assemble her thoughts. “I’m glad you called—”

“I think you’re right,” he said. “I think we should talk.”

“I agree. Uh, maybe we can get together tomorrow?”

“You’re at the Carlton ?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll meet you in the lobby. Is noon all right?”

“Of course—sure—”

“See you there.”

And then the line went dead, and she was left sleepy and amazed, staring at the receiver in her hand.

* * *

She rode the elevator down at five minutes to noon the next morning and found him waiting.

He was standing by a marble pillar, dressed in worn Levis, track shoes, and a blue windbreaker over a T-shirt, with his hands tucked into his jacket pockets. Susan moved toward him with her heart beating hard, as his head swiveled owlishly and his eyes focused in on her.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I don’t think I did a very good job yesterday. I didn’t know how to start.”

“You’re in a tough position,” John said. “The messenger with bad news.”

“Plus—I guess I was a little frightened.”

He smiled. “Of me?”

She laughed, but it was true. She had been frightened. Still was. But it was easier now, at least a little. “Where do we go for lunch?”

“Depends. I don’t have a lot of cash. Are you on an expense account?”

“It’s paid for.”

“By Max?”

“Ultimately.”

“Well, there’s a decent Japanese restaurant around the block. I’m sure Max can afford it.”

“Sounds fine,” Susan said.

She had never eaten Japanese food but didn’t want to admit it. The atmosphere in the restaurant was traditional: koto music and waitresses in tight kimonos. She felt somewhat gauche, lost among the rice paper screens; she let John order for her.

The waitress brought miso soup in a wooden bowl. No spoons—apparently you were supposed to pick up the bowl like a cup. John said, “You’re not used to this.”

She forced a smile. “Redondo Beach WASP. We never ate anything more challenging than Mexican. I remember a lot of TV dinners.”

“The main course is tempura. Nothing scary. Unless you have a problem with shrimp?”

“No, that’s fine. You know, I learned to eat Cantonese and Szechuan in college. Just never got around to Japanese.”

John turned his attention to the soup. He ate meticulously, Susan observed; almost mechanically. When the bowl was empty he pushed it aside and ignored it. “Max knows I’m ill.”

Straight to the point, Susan thought. “He suspected it.”

“Is he still working with prenatal growth regulators?”

“Not officially.”

“But on his own?”

“Some animal research.”

“Out of curiosity, I wonder, or guilt?”

Susan frowned. “I’m sorry?”

He waved his hand—never mind.

The waitress brought sashimi on wooden plates. “Thank you,” Susan said. The waitress bowed and returned a “Thank you.”

“It might be easier,” John said, “if you just told me what you know about me. We can begin there.”

But it was a tall order:What kind of monster do you think I am? Susan told him what Dr. Kyriakides had explained to her—that John was the product of a clandestine research project conducted in the fifties. Before his birth he had received an intrauterine cocktail of cortical growth regulators, human hormones Dr. Kyriakides had isolated under a classified government grant. The purpose of the research was to produce a superior human being, specifically in the neocortical functions—the most highly evolved functions, such as intelligence.

John’s smile was fixed. “ ‘Highly evolved’—sounds like Max. He told you all this?”

“At greater length. And with more breastbeating.”

“He does feel guilty.”

“I have the impression he always did.”

“Did he mention that his ‘government grant’ was by way of a client operation of the CIA? That his name came up twice in the Church Committee hearings?”

“Yes. He says they were funding everything in those days—LSD at McGill, exotic botany at Harvard. Postwar insanity.”

“Did he also mention that he was the closest thing to a father I had for the first several years of my life?”

“Something like that.”

“And that he farmed me out for adoption when the project was closed down?”

“He didn’t have a choice.”

“But now he wants to talk … because he thinks I’m dying.”

“I should never have said that! I’m sorry—I just wanted to get your attention.”

“But it’s possible?”

“The animal studies have been mixed,” Susan admitted.

“Some animals have died.”

She looked at the table. “Yes.”

The tempura arrived then. Susan picked at hers. It was good, but she’d lost her appetite.

John ate vigorously.

* * *

When the check arrived Susan used her credit card and filed away the customer copy. John said, “Are you up to walking a little?”

She nodded.

“It’s a good day for it. Autumn is the best time of year in this city.” He stood up and pulled his windbreaker over his T-shirt. “I don’t get many afternoons like this.”

They rode the College streetcar west to Augusta. The day was cool but endlessly sunny, the sky a shade of blue you never saw in LA. When the streetcar stopped, John climbed down through the rattling mid-car doors and offered her his hand. How dry his skin is, Susan thought … and then scolded herself for thinking it. He wasn’t an animal, after all.

He led her south through a maze of ethnic markets, fish stalls, vegetable bins, used-clothing outlets. This was Kensington Market, John said, and it was his favorite part of the city.

It was also crowded and more than a little bewildering—no two signs in the same language—but Susan felt some of the carnival atmosphere, maybe picking it up from John. He took her to a cafe, a sidewalk table under an umbrella and far enough from the fish stalls that the air was tolerable. He ordered two cups of fierce cappucino. “Legal drugs.” Smiled at her. She sipped the coffee. He said, “Well, maybe I am dying.”

Her cup rattled against the saucer. “Do you always have these two-track conversations?”

“You mean, is this a manifestation of my superhuman intellect? Or just an annoying habit?”

“No, I don’t mean that. I mean—well, if you don’t want to talk about it—”

“Max must have warned you, surely? John the monster.” He startled her by closing his eyes. “You’re wearing Levis and a brown sweater with a checked collar showing at the neck. You have brown hair, blue eyes, a mole under your right cheekbone and another one just under your ear. You have both hands on the table; the nail is chipped on your left index finger. You don’t wear nail polish. The building behind you is catching the sunlight; it has twenty-eight rectangular windows facing the street and a revolving door with a mango cart parked on the sidewalk in front of it. The cart vendor is wearing a yellow plaid shirt and a black beret. A grey Nissan Stanza just drove past, southbound—it should be at the intersection by now.” He opened his eyes and stared at her. “You come from Southern California and you’re timid with people. You have an exaggerated respect for Dr. Kyriakides—take my word for it—and some unresolved feelings about your own father. You have a suppressed speech impediment that begins to surface when you talk about your home, which you don’t like to do. You think you like me, but you’re still a little frightened. You—”

“Stop it!”

There was a silence. Susan blushed deeply.

John said, more gently, “I don’t want you to forget what I am.”

“As if I c-could!” She thought about leaving. She wasn’t sure her legs would hold her. “How can you know all that about me?”

“Because you’re a book. Not just you, Susan. Everyone. A book of gestures and twitches and blinks and grimaces.”

“Do you want me to be frightened of you?”

“Only … appropriately frightened.” He added, “I’m sorry.”

Gradually, she relaxed back into her chair. “Do you still want to talk?”

“Do you still want me to?”

She took a deep breath. “Yes.”

“To you, or to Max?”

“Talk to me if you want. But only Dr. Kyriakides can help you.”

“If in fact he can.”

“If.” She didn’t want to risk lying—assuming it was possible to lie to him.

“It’s a game of chance, then, isn’t it? Roulette.”

“I’m not the doctor.”

“You’re the doctoral candidate.”

“It’s not exactly my field. I never worked directly with Dr. Kyriakides on this, except for a few tissue studies.”

He shook his head. “I’m not ready to talk to Max.”

“Then me. Talk to me.”

He gave her another long, speculative look. Susan could not help wincing. My God, she thought, those eyes! Not the windows of the soul … more like knives. Like scalpels.

“Maybe it would be good to talk,” he said. “It’s been a long time since I talked to anyone.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Susan said.

* * *

She asked whether he had been having symptoms.

“Episodes of fever, sometimes dangerously high. Transient muscular weakness and some pain. Fugue states—if you want to call them that.”

“Is that what was happening yesterday?”

He nodded.

“I don’t know what you mean by a ‘fugue state.’ ”

He sipped his cappucino. “May I tell you a story?”

* * *

The formal research project had ended when John was five years old. He was adopted by a childless couple, the Woodwards, a middle-income family living in a bleak Chicago suburb. The Woodwards renamed him Benjamin, though he continued to think of himself as John. From the beginning, his adoptive parents were disturbed by his uniqueness. He didn’t do especially well in school—he was contemptuous of his teachers and sometimes a discipline problem—but he read beyond his years and he made conversation like an adult; which, the Woodwards told him, was very disrespectful.

“Jim Woodward was a lathe operator at an aerospace plant and he resented my intelligence. Obviously, a child doesn’t know this, or doesn’t want to admit it. I labored for almost eight years under the impression that I was doing something terribly wrong—that he hated me for some fundamental, legitimate reason. And so I worked hard to please him. To impress him. For example, I learned to play the flute. I borrowed a school instrument and some books; I taught myself. He loved Vivaldi: he had this old Heathkit stereo he had cobbled together out of a kit and he would play Vivaldi for hours—it was the only time I ever saw anything like rapture on his face. And so I taught myself the Concerto in G, the passages for flute. And when I had it down, I played it for him. Not just the notes. I went beyond that. I interpreted it. He sat there listening, and at first I thought he was in shock—he had that dumbfounded expression. I mistook it for pleasure. I played harder. And he just sat there until I was finished. I thought I’d done it, you see, that I’d communicated with him, that he would approve of me now. And then I put the flute back in the case and looked at him. And he blinked a couple of times, and then he said, ‘I bet you think you’re pretty fucking good, don’t you?’ ”

“That’s terrible,” Susan said.

“But I wasn’t convinced. I told myself it just wasn’t good enough, that’s all. So I thought, well, what else is there that matters to him?

“He had a woodworking shop in the basement. We were that kind of family, the Formica counters in the kitchen, Sunday at the Presbyterian church every once in a while, the neighbors coming over to play bridge, the woodwork shop downstairs. But he had quality tools, Dremel and Black and Decker and so on, and he took a tremendous amount of pride in the work he did. He built a guitar once, some cousin paid him a hundred dollars for it, and he must have put in three times that in raw materials, and when it was finished it was a work of art, bookmatched hardwood, polished and veneered—it took him months. When I saw it, I wanted it. But it had been bought and paid for, and he had to send it away. I wanted him to make another one, but he was already involved in some other project, and that was when I saw my opportunity—I said, ‘I’ll build it.’

“I was nearly thirteen years old. I had never so much as touched his woodworking tools. ‘Show me,’ I said. He said, ‘You’ll never manage it. It’s not a beginner’s project.’ I said, ‘Let me try.’ And I think now he saw it as his big opportunity … maybe this would teach me a lesson. So he agreed. He showed me how to work the tools and he gave me some books on luthiery. He even took me to lumberyards, helped me pick out decent woods.”

John paused to sip his cappucino. “I worked on the guitar that summer whenever he was out of the house. Because it was an experiment—you understand? This would be the communication, he would see this and love me for doing it, and if he didn’t—all bets were off. So I took it very seriously. I cut and sanded, I routed the neck, I installed the fretwire and the tuning machinery. I was possessed by that guitar. There was not a weekday afternoon through July or August I was out of the house. I was dizzy with lacquer fumes half the time. And when he came home I would hide the project … I didn’t want him to see it until it was ready. I cleaned the tools and the workshop every day; I was meticulous. I think he forgot about it. Thought I’d given up. Until I showed it to him.”

Susan said, “Oh, no.”

“It was perfect, of course. Max probably told you what his research had suggested, long before it was fashionable science—that the neocortical functions aren’t just ‘intelligence.’ It’s also dexterity, timing, the attention span, the sense of pitch, eye-hand coordination—things as pertinent to music or luthiery as they are to, say, mathematics. Jim Woodward thought he’d found a task that was beyond me. In fact, he could hardly have picked one I was better suited to. Maybe that guitar wasn’t flawless, but it was close. It was a work of art.”

Susan said, “He hated it.”

John smiled his humorless, raw smile. “He took it personally. I showed him the guitar. The last varnish was barely dry. I strummed a G chord. I handed it to him … the final evidence that I was worthy of him. To him it must have been, I don’t know, a slap in the face, a gesture of contempt. He took the guitar, checked it out. He sighted down the neck. He inspected the frets. Then he broke it over his knee.”

Susan looked at her hands.

John said, “I don’t want sympathy. You asked about symptoms. This is relevant. For years I had thought of myself as ‘John’ while the Woodwards were calling me ‘Benjamin.’ After that day … for them, I was Benjamin. I became what they wanted. Normal, adequate, pliant, and wholly unimpressive. You understand, it was an act. They noticed it, this change, but they never questioned it. They didn’t want to. They welcomed it. I worked my body the way a puppeteer works a marionette. I made up Benjamin. He was my invention. In a way, he was as meticulous a piece of work as that guitar. I made him out of people I knew, out of what the Woodwards seemed to want. He was their natural child—maybe the child they deserved. I played Benjamin for almost three years, one thousand and eighty-five days. And when I turned sixteen I took my birth certificate and a hundred-dollar bill James Woodward kept in his sock drawer, and I left. Didn’t look back, didn’t leave a forwarding address … and I dropped Benjamin like a stone.” He took a sip of cappucino. “At least I thought I did.”

“What are you saying-that Benjamin was a symptom?”

“He is a symptom. He came back.”

* * *

The cool air made Susan shiver. She watched three teenagers in leather jackets and spike haircuts stroll past, eyes obscure behind Roy Orbison sunglasses.

John said, “I noticed other problems first. Minor but disturbing. Auditory hallucinations, brief fugue states—”

“When was this?”

“Three years ago, more or less. I was living in a cabin on a gulf island off the coast of British Columbia. I blamed a lot of it on that—on the isolation. But then, without any kind of warning, I lost two calendar days.

Went to bed on Sunday, woke up Wednesday morning. Well, that was frightening. But I was methodical about it. I tried to reconstruct the time I’d lost, pick up on any clues I’d left. I found a receipt in a shirt pocket, nine dollars and fifty-five cents for groceries at a supply store in town, a place I never shopped. It was a family grocery not much bigger than my cabin, and when I went in to ask some questions the woman back of the check-out desk nodded at me and said, ‘Hello, Benjamin! Back again?’”

“And the fugues persisted?”

“I’m lucky to have a day like this … a day to myself.”

Susan didn’t know what to say.

He drained his cappucino and turned the cup over. “You want to know what it feels like? It’s like learning to do a puppet act … and then forgetting which one of you is which. The boundaries fold away. Suddenly you’re inside the mirror looking out.”

“I see.”

He regarded her steadily. “Is that what you expected—you and Max?”

“Not exactly.”

He stood up. He said, “I think I’m dying because I can’t remember how to be John Shaw anymore.”

* * *

He walked her back to the hotel.

He was quieter now, almost reticent, as if he had said more than he meant to. He walked with big, impatient strides and Susan had to struggle to keep up. She was panting for breath by the time they reached the lobby.

He turned to face her at the door, wrapped in his jacket, almost lost in it. What had he said?The boundaries fold away. … He said, “You’ve done your job. You can go home with a clear conscience.”

“That wasn’t the idea. We hoped—Dr. Kyriakides thought—if you came to Chicago—”

“Why? So he can watch me fade away?”

“He has some ideas that might help.”

“He has a pathological curiosity and a bad conscience.”

“You haven’t spoken to him for twenty years.”

“I don’t want to speak to him.”

“Well, what, then? You stay here? You curl up in that cheap apartment until you disappear?”

She was startled by her own words—John seemed to be, too. He said, “I’m glad we talked. I’m glad you listened. You want to help. That’s nice. And you have. But I’m not ready to leave here.”

“You don’t have to make that decision now. I’ll be in town for a week.” She could extend her reservation at the hotel. Surely Dr. Kyriakides would pay for it? “We can talk again.”

John looked closely at her and this time, Susan thought, it was very bad, that X-ray vision stare, the sense of being scanned. But she stood up to it. She stared back without blinking.

He said, “I … it might not be possible.”

“Because of Benjamin?”

He nodded.

“But if it is possible?”

“Then,” he said quietly, “I know where you are.”

He turned and stalked away into the cool air.

She watched him go. Her heart was beating hard.

Because, she realized, it matters now.

She had come here determined to do a job … to intercede for Dr. Kyriakides, to find John Shaw and say her piece and get it over with.

But that had changed.

Now she wanted something else.

She wanted him to live.