Текст книги "Reclaimed "
Автор книги: River Savage
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Текущая страница: 2 (всего у книги 6 страниц)
CHAPTE R THREE
Nix
“Hey, boss man.” Jesse, my sergeant at arms, looks up from his position, bent over the pool table.
“Hey.” I nod, and walk straight to my office.
“What are you doing here?” he calls, but I’m so tightly wound up that I don’t stop to answer. Slamming the door shut, I plant my ass in my office chair and let out a shaky breath. Fuck, I shouldn’t have left her. My cell vibrates in my pocket, and I pull it out, ready to see Kadence’s name flash. Instead, Holly’s name comes up.
“Yeah?” I answer, knowing this call is important.
“She called.”
I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding and ask what I needed to know. “She sound okay?”
“She didn’t sound too bad, but I could hear a little panic. You sure this is a good idea?”
Am I sure? Fuck, I’m not sure of anything these days. “I don’t know what else to do, Holly. I’ve tried talking to her. She just shuts down. She won’t go to the doctors. I’m not going to force her, but we can’t keep doing everything for her. Besides, Z is there and I trust that she will cope.” I believe those words leaving my mouth more than anything. Kadence would never do anything to hurt Low. Her fears and insecurities come from the idea of failing Low or not being the best for her. This fucked-up thinking she has is only amplified by the fact that Low just won’t settle.
“You should talk to her, Nix. Tell her what you need from her.”
“I’ve tried, Hol. She won’t listen. The only way I can help her is by showing her this isn’t normal.”
“We both know she’s aware it’s not normal, Nix.”
“Well, if you have a better idea, have at it!” I snap, taking my frustration out on her. I hear Sy in the background, and I know he’ll be pissed if I upset his woman. “Sorry, I’m just trying to deal.”
“It’s okay. You’re tired. I’m not just worried about her but about you, too.”
“Don’t worry about me. Let’s just focus on Kadence, yeah?” I ask, not needing a therapy session. I just need my fucking wife back.
“Mom and I are going to come over tomorrow. We can talk to her again then,” she says, giving me some small hope.
“Call Kadence’s mom. You’ll need reinforcements,” I add, knowing how bad she was today. Maybe if she hears if from all four of us together, she might listen to what we have to say.
“Right, okay, well, keep me posted,” she rushes, ending the conversation. I know she likes to think she has it under control, but Holly feels as helpless as I do.
“Yeah,” I reply before hanging up. I pocket my phone and rest my head on the desk. Jesus, who would have thought ten months ago this is where we would be? Me, hanging in my fucking office, hiding from my wife.
Unease settles in my gut. Feeling disconnected with her burns me, but what eats at me more than anything is knowing she is suffering. Whatever is going on, I just wish we could fucking sort it, move on from it and be a fucking family again.
I fucking miss my wife.
***
“How you doin’, bud?” I ask Z as I walk through the door a few hours later. After I got off the phone with Holly, I lost myself in some paperwork. During the past seven weeks, I’ve neglected my duties in the club. Beau, my VP, has had to step up and take on my work while the rest of the boys have been dealing with their own shit: Sy with Inked Me, and Jesse with Liquid.
“Good,” Z mumbles, continuing into the kitchen. I follow behind him feeling some tension.
“You okay?” I put my keys and wallet down on the counter and watch him carefully.
“You told her thirty minutes,” he snaps, anger dancing in my son’s eyes.
He’s pissed.
“She okay?” I ask, not certain I want to know the answer.
“She’s hiding in the bathroom.” He places his dish in the sink, starting to wash it. I don’t respond. I just watch him.
If Kadence is in the bathroom, then he’s been looking after Low.
“Low okay?” I swallow past the anger and defeat that begins to grow. I hate this, fucking hate it for Z and Low, but hate it more for Kadence.
“I rocked her ‘til she fell asleep.”
“You’re a good big brother, Z.” I give him a smile. He doesn’t smile back; instead, he looks so confused.
“What’s happening, Dad?” he asks straight to the point, looking as unsure as I feel. I step forward and wrap my arms around him. Fuck, when did he get so grown up?
“We got some shit to get through, bud, but we’re gonna get there. Know that we are gonna fix it.” I kiss the top of his head.
“Is it something that I did?” his small voice asks. And the young man who just called me out for taking longer than I should have, seems so small; worried he’s done something to cause the darkness in our home.
“Bud, this isn’t about you. I promise. This is somethin’ that Kadence and I need to work through.”
“But I don’t want you to get a divorce.” His arms squeeze me on the last word. Fuck me. Divorce?
“Hey.” I pull back, looking him straight in his eyes. “That’s not ever gonna happen, Z. I promise you. Sometimes it takes a while to adjust with a new baby. You have nothin’ to worry about, okay?” I hold his gaze, needing him to understand this isn’t about him. He slowly nods in my arms as I hold him a little longer before I step back.
“You okay?” I ask, watching him wipe his eyes. It’s moments like this, I want to shake her, show her what she is missing. The Kadence I knew would rather die than hurt our son, but now, he’s standing in front of me trying to hold his shit together and she wouldn’t give one fuck.
“Yeah, I’m gonna go play Xbox.” He walks out and I give myself a moment to cool down. Fuck. I knew things were bad, knew I was losing control, but I thought I was protecting Z from it. I was clearly fucking wrong.
After calming myself, I take the steps two at a time and go to find my wife. I’m at the end of my rope. Something has got to fucking give, something to get her to realize that what is happening can no longer go on.
“Kadence?” I knock on the bathroom door and wait for her to answer. “Kadence,” I call again when she doesn’t respond. I know when she is stressed, when things become too much for her, she likes to hide in here. The first time she checked out, I found her sitting in the empty tub, staring vacantly ahead. I didn’t know what the fuck was happening. I walked in late one day with Low screaming in her crib, a confused Z by her side trying to keep her calm, and Kadence sitting in an empty shower, ignoring us all. It took me thirty minutes for her to come back, but it was like a piece of her was missing
“Kadence, just fuckin’ respond.” I knock again, that small unease in my gut twitches, and something unsettling has my next knock turning into a bang when my arm reaches up again. She doesn’t respond and the dread that forms in the pit of my gut twists into something that I wasn’t prepared for.
“Open this fuckin’ door before I knock it down.” My fear comes out as anger, but each second she doesn’t respond, is another second that my doubt takes over. I step back, lift my leg, and in one forceful kick, I break past the lock; the door flying back in a loud thud. My eyes scan the bathroom in frantic need to know she is safe, that she hasn’t done something stupid, something I would never forgive her for. My body convulses when I see her sitting on the shower floor.
Her head comes up, surprise written all over her face as if my entry into the bathroom is a shock. I can see she has been crying, but the despair and anger ripping through my body doesn’t let me register what she needs. I’m too pissed off.
“What the fuck is your problem?” I spit out, watching her body recoil from my words.
She recovers, but doesn’t respond, just looks at me so devoid of anything which only causes my anger to grow. Stepping forward, I pull the glass shower door open while she continues to look straight through me. My first instinct is to pick her up and shake some life back into her, but I know she’s so far in her head right now, it won’t get me anywhere. Instead, my hand goes to the tap, not bothering to warm the water, and I let it rush over her. Her gasp fills the small glass enclosed area right before she moves to escape, but I react quicker, holding my frame in the door way.
“Fuckin’ talk to me, dammit!” I shout and she trembles under my stare.
“Where the fuck were you?” She finally reacts, trying to push me out of the way. “You left. You said thirty minutes, Nix.” Her fists connect with my chest and her voice cracks as she begins to sob.
My arms come around her, pulling her wet body into mine, holding her while she screams out and comes undone. I fucked up. I know I did, but I can’t help feel a small glimmer of hope grow in me that she’s finally reacting. I hold her for a brief moment, the water still falling over her back, splashing both of us. I reach back and shut it off, holding her firmly in my arms.
“Just breathe, baby.” I reach for the towel and wrap her tightly in it. Silent sobs rack her body. “Deep breaths,” I encourage again, when I sense her losing the battle to control them. I fucking hate myself knowing I did this to her, but I don’t know how much more of it I can handle. It takes her a few more minutes before her breathing slows and her sobs finally fade.
I don’t move her, afraid to set off another round, so I hold her in my arms, praying I haven’t just fucked up shit even more. Hoping that eventually she will talk, because somewhere deep down inside of me, I have that sinking feeling. The one that tells me if things don’t change, I don’t know how much longer I’ll have her for. And not having Kadence in my life, is not an option.
It will never be a fucking option.
CHAPTE R FOUR
Kadence
I sit on the side of the bathtub as Nix dries me off. My clothes stick to my body and my hair hangs over my face. I don’t say anything. I can’t even look at him let alone talk to him. How could he just leave me?
After I fed Low, Z came up and played with her a little while I sat and watched them. I can’t pinpoint exactly what it was that set me off. Low was being fussy, as usual. Z was asking questions and as the time ticked over, Nix was getting later and later. It all became too much—my unease rose inside of me with each minute that passed. The pressure of when, or if he was even coming home at all amplified the panic that lay dormant in me.
“Baby?” Nix calls, pulling me from my thoughts. I used to like it when he called me baby, when he would touch me, make me feel beautiful, but now somewhere in my mind, the word baby doesn’t represent what it once did. His touch doesn’t soothe me like it used to, and not one part of me feels beautiful.
“What?” I shrug him off, not wanting his hands on me as I slide down from where he placed me.
“We need to talk about what happened.” He follows me into our bedroom, clearly looking for a fight. He does this all the time, pushing me deliberately until he gets the reaction he wants. It’s in those moments I feel like he is judging me.
“I’m really tired. I’m going to bed.” I turn and pull out sweats and one of Nix’s old club tees from my dresser.
“No, we are gonna talk now.” I ignore him, not in the mood for this tonight. Moving to walk past him, his hand comes out, wrapping around my bicep.
“Get the fuck off me,” I hiss, pulling out of his hold as he reels back at my tone.
“Kadence.” He moves in but my hand comes up.
“You touch me again and I’m out. I’m not even kidding, Nix. I will pack a bag so goddamn fast you won’t even see it coming,” I threaten. My head is all over the place, my mind in a constant battle with itself. Fuck, how did it get like this?
“What the hell, Kadence?”
“I can’t handle you being late,” I shout, pointing to the broken bathroom door. All of my insecurities, feelings of being hopeless, fears of failing, surface to the top as my anger flows through me. “I fucking lost it tonight because of you not coming home when you said you would!”
“Dad?” Z calls through the door, halting whatever was about to go down between us.
“Go,” I whisper, afraid of what Z’s already heard. Knowing our son waits on the other side of the door alone has Nix looking torn. His eyes pleading with me for something I can’t give him.
“Yeah, coming, bud,” he calls out as I walk past him. I don’t give him another chance to try to talk to me; instead, I head back into the bathroom. My safe place.
“This conversation isn’t over. We will talk about this, Kadence,” he warns, but I don’t respond. What is there to say? He left, came home, and found me at my worst. It wasn’t the first time it’s happened.
I hear the bedroom door open and then shut. I let out an unsteady breath I didn’t know I was holding. Peeling myself out of my wet clothes, I re-dress and rush through my bedtime routine. It’s not yet dinner time, but the reality of the day is too much for my state. I know Nix must be worried, coming home to see me like this, but sometimes just stepping away when the darkness starts to consume me helps.
Confining myself within the marble walls of my bathroom gives me a disturbing comfort. I find solace in the silence. If that doesn’t work, then my screams block out her cries, reminding me I still have a voice when I release a small piece of my fear.
Letting the sound of my pain echo off the walls gives me the reprieve I am searching for. Does it fix the issue that something is happening with me? No. Nor does it make Harlow stop crying and give me the peace my mind so desperately needs in order to heal. No. Sitting in the shower, locked away in the bathroom, hiding from my family is the only way I can deal. I can block out everything around me and be someone else. Somewhere else. I’m not a mom who is laced with guilt for not being happy when I have everything to be happy for. I’m not this panicky person whose heart races just from picking out what clothes Low is going to wear. Pretending is my relief. It’s how I manage to block it all out. I know it isn’t healthy, but some days pretending is just easier.
After brushing my teeth, I climb into bed and bury myself under the covers. I know I should go out, check on Low and Z, but now that Nix is home, I know he will have it under control. With the day’s exhaustion catching up on me, I force my eyes shut, and pray I fall asleep before Nix comes back. The last thing I need tonight is to go over what happened today.
***
“Kadence?” I hear whispered into my ear. I open my eyes and find the room is shadowed in darkness as Nix’s bedside lamp illuminates his side of the room. I must have fallen asleep.
“Don’t touch me.” I pull away, hiding myself further under the covers. This is something I have allowed the last few weeks, him holding me in the quietness of our bed. But tonight, I can’t even stand to have him near me.
“I don’t want to fight, baby. I don’t even want to talk. Just let me hold you.”
“Nix.” I tense when he pulls me closer to him. “Not now.” I keep my eyes closed, needing to find sleep again.
“Fuckin’ when then?” He pulls away, hitting the empty space of the bed beside him.
“Just don’t touch me,” I repeat, sinking further into my cocoon of bed covers.
“Jesus, Kadence. The only fuckin’ time I touch you is in my sleep. Don’t fuckin’ take that from me too. Don’t push me away when I’m hangin’ on by a fuckin’ thread. I miss you, baby. I miss your hands, your smile. Fuck, I miss your face.”
“I’m not trying to push you away, Nix, but you need to give me more time.” I keep my eyes closed. Too afraid to turn and see what his eyes are telling me.
“This is not just about you, Kadence. There are two people in this marriage. How long do I have to wait? How long until we come undone?”
I turn, pissed off he just won’t give up. “You’re unbelievable, do you know that? You don’t get sex for seven weeks and you’re threatening me with this bullshit? You want to fuck? Huh? You want to take me when it’s clear that I don’t want it? You want me to just lay there and fucking pretend?”
“What the fuck is wrong with you, woman? You think this is about sex? You don’t talk to me. You won’t let me hold you and you won’t tell me what is happening with you. When was the last time you went outside? The last time you laughed, or even smiled? ” He continues to throw everything I’m failing at right back at me, and each jab makes me hate myself even more.
“I’m just tired, Nix. Last time I checked, I just had a baby. A baby who won’t eat, and who has ruined my fucking body. Who screams for twenty-hours a day. And you want to know what the fuck is wrong with me?” My insecurities surge forward as I scream at the top of my lungs. Fear, hatred, and pain fuel my rage, yet a small part of me knows he has a right to be worried. It’s not just about Harlow and what is happening with her. It’s about us and me, because something is happening with me.
“Don’t put words in my fuckin’ mouth, woman.” He runs his hand through his hair in frustration. I can’t do anything to fix this. To fix me. We both sit in silence looking at each other.
Broken.
Falling apart.
“I don’t know what you want from me,” I whisper. Communication was never this hard. The distance growing further between us as each day passes makes me afraid that this is what we’ve become.
“I just want to bring you happiness, baby,” he sighs, but before I can tell him I don’t think he can, Harlow’s cries come through the monitor. I move off the bed to go to her, knowing she will need to be fed.
“You walk out of this room, Kadence, you walk out on me.” His cold tone stops me from moving any further. It’s the same tone he used in the bathroom. “Leave her,” he commands, but the thought of continuing this conversation, where we tear each other down, has me fighting him.
“Nix, I have to check on her.” I continue to the door.
“Don’t you dare leave this fuckin’ room. I’m important too. I’m your fuckin’ husband. Do you hear me? We are important.” His hand sweeps across his nightstand, causing one big crash that sends everything tumbling to the floor. I’m frozen in place, my hand resting on the door handle. The room is silent. The shock of what has gone on tonight so raw I don’t think either of us knows how to process it.
“I don’t know what you want from me,” I repeat, closing my eyes when Harlow’s cries grow louder, sending my anxiety rising. Doesn’t he know he’s only making it worse?
“Jesus, I don’t know. Give me a look, smile at me…fuckin’ touch me. Give me a connection that says we’re on the same fuckin’ side. I can’t continue to stay in this place we are in. I’m drowning here, Kadence. We both are, and I just don’t know if I can keep treading water for both of us. You have to help me, baby. You have to want us to survive.” He falls to the bed, his head dropping to his hands. Seeing him like this, in this state makes me realize that our situation is bigger than me, than him. It’s bigger than either one of us realize.
“That’s not fair.” I release the handle and turn, collapsing against the wall. The wind knocks out of me as his words resonate within me. We are drowning and I have to stop fighting. At this realization, my knees become weak. Standing becomes too hard. I slide down the wall, dropping my ass to the carpet.
“Life isn’t fair, Kadence. I wish it was, but it just isn’t. Look where we both have come from; look where life has taken us. We won’t survive if you won’t talk to me, Kadence. Talk to someone.” He stands to come to me, but having him in my space only makes things worse.
“Please don’t.” I draw in a breath, defeated. His frustration and concerns only prove what a bad mother I’ve been, what a bad wife I’ve become.
“Don’t what, Kadence? Don’t make me walk away. I want my wife back. I don’t know what’s happened, but I don’t like who you’ve become.” His voice is pained, as broken as my soul feels. His confession doesn’t surprise me, but it still burns. I know I don’t like who I’ve become. How do I expect Nix to like me?
“You don’t think I ask myself that question every day? That I don’t look at myself and ask what is wrong with me? I don’t know who I’ve become, Nix. All I know is I should. I should know who I am.” My head thuds against the wall in defeat. I can’t keep going on like this. I can hear Harlow’s cries quietening, as she resettles herself, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting out of this room.
“I know who you are, Kadence. You’re the woman I love. The most amazin’ mother to our daughter, our son.” Saying Z is my son pulls at me harder. The fact that he, too, is affected by what is happening hurts even more. Nix walks over and squats to my level, careful not to get into my space, but close enough for me to reach out and touch him if I wanted to.
“Why don’t I know that? I should know that Nix.”
“You don’t have to know. I know, the kids know and that’s enough.”
“It’s not enough for me.” My hand itches to touch him, to feel his hardness under my fingers, but sitting broken on the floor of our bedroom, I know I can’t. I can’t touch the man who means everything to me and I hate myself for it.
“When did you stop trustin’ yourself?”
“I don’t know. When did I stop being myself?” I counter, and my admission halts him for a moment. He crawls forward, coming closer into my space. His warmth, his calming presence wraps itself all over me.
“The first step is askin’ for help, baby. Let me help you. You don’t have to be alone. Let me learn to breathe the ugliness you see. Let me share the darkness, Kadence. Just don’t push me away.” His pleading pulls at me, pulls at the hatred that has settled inside.
“I’m not doing good, Nix,” I say, looking up and giving him what he needs. What I need. “Somewhere along the way, I woke completely lost and overwhelmed. And every day, it gets harder and harder to deal.” A sob tears from deep within me, and walls I’ve been hiding behind crumble down.
“I know, baby.” He pulls me into the hardness of his chest. “We’re gonna be okay,” he promises, and everything in me wants to believe him. Everything in me wants to trust he has me. That he has us. But the truth is, I’ve drowned in so much self-doubt and uneasiness, that trust seems so far away.
