Текст книги "Aloha from Hell"

Автор книги: Richard Kadrey

Соавторы: Richard Kadrey,Richard Kadrey,Richard Kadrey
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Текущая страница: 22 (всего у книги 23 страниц)

“I always admired your black knife. So, when I couldn’t make a key to the Room, I made myself a knife. I think I even made some improvements. Let me show you.”

He jabs the blade into me just under the collarbone and makes a downward cut to my sternum. He does this again on the other side so there’s a big V sliced into my chest. He carefully puts the tips of the blade into the bottom of the V and pulls down my body, heading south of the border. Even through the pain I can tell he’s not trying to kill me. He’s looking for something. He drags the knife down my chest and something clinks. He’s found the key. If he’s going for my heart, I’ll return the favor. I shoot my hand out and through his skin and bones, feeling around inside his chest cavity.

But whatever is in my blood is making it hard to keep my eyes open. Mason is playing operation, cutting me up like a weekend surgeon, but it doesn’t even hurt anymore. I have my hand in his chest, but when I find his heart, I don’t have the strength to grab it. My hand falls out of him as my muscles decide it’s break time. I can’t even keep my eyes open. It finally occurs to me that this isn’t sleep. I’m dying.

The last thing I see before I’m gone is Mason pulling a piece of glowing metal from my chest. Then the lights go out.

AND I’M REALLY no-shit, no-fake-outs-or-take-backs, no-paralyzing-spells-or-glamours dead. I don’t know how I know I’m dead, but I do and all I have are questions. Like, where’s all the light coming from? I thought death would be a lot blacker than this. Also, it feels like I’m stuck in someone el, In someose’s death because this one is two sizes too small. Death doesn’t feel much like dying. More like being on a crowded bus. And what’s with all the jagged edges that keep poking me? Maybe I’m still stuck in my dead body while it’s on ice. Fucking great. My body’s gone because one asshole stabbed me and now my soul is going to get the flu because another asshole stuck me in a morgue deep freeze. I fucking hate Mason. He can even make death a pain in the ass.

Somewhere far, far away, Alice is screaming. Then Mason screams. A pattern is developing. I don’t know what’s going on, but someone’s moved my body. It’s dark again, but I’m not on ice anymore. There’s more screaming. It hurts my ears and I would really appreciate it if whoever’s doing it would shut the fuck up and let me be dead. I sit up to tell them that, but it feels like I gained a thousand pounds since I died. My head and arm weigh a hundred pounds each. I open my eyes to see what’s wrong with them, but they’re fine.

Why are my eyes open if I’m dead? And why is there a second me standing there with Mason in one hand and a Gladius in the other? Alice kneels down in front of me.

“Are you all right?”

I try to tell her yes but all that comes out is, “Being dead is stupid.”

Did I say that? I’m not sure, but it’s true. I’m pretty sure I’m alive again because there’s a big hole in my chest and it hurts like I got shot with rock salt and porcupine quills.

The other me drops Mason, kneels down, and puts his hand against my chest. I feel the hole closing, the bone, muscle, and skin knitting back together. I stare at the other me and my face stares back at me.

“Goddammit, did someone cut my face off again?”

The other me helps me to my feet. This close I see that he’s exactly me. He’s me without the scars and eleven years younger.

“How do you feel?” asks the other me.

“Like Lazarus if Jesus brought him back to life by having Mike Tyson use him as a speed bag.”

“He’s all right,” says the other me.

Mason is on his back where the other me dropped him. I go for him, but I’m still a little limp, so I don’t so much attack him as fall on him like a cow thrown from a blimp. The other me pulls me to my feet.

“I know who you are,” I say to the other me. “It’s quiet all of a sudden. You’re the Boy Scout who’s been squatting in my brain. You owe me back rent, fucker.”

“Why don’t you take it out of Kasabian’s beer money? Or yours.”

I look at Alice.

“Is this real? Or am I back in Mason’s hallucination?”

She shakes her head and comes over like she wants to put her arm around me but remembers she can’t and ends up standing a few feet away looking awkward.

“It’s real. He appeared the moment you died and took the key back from Mason.”

“Is Mason still alive?”

“Unfortunately. He’s playing possum now,” says the angel. “First he was afraid of me and now there are two of us.”

“What just happened?”

“You died. The mortal part. But I’m not mortal. Cutting us like that wasn’t going to kill me, so I brought you back.”

“How?”

The angel smiles and picks up something small and black from the floor. It’s about the size of a robin’s egg and smells like cordite.

“It was Lucifer’s stone. That stupid white rock we’ve been carrying around for months. It’s a soul trap. When Mason killed you, it released me and sent your soul into the stone.”

“He put it in your chest and touched your heart with his Gladius,” says Alice. “It released your soul back into your body.”

“And then you spackled me shut. You’re a lot better roommate than Kasabian.”

I go over to Mason and kick him a couple of times.

“Where’s his knife?”

“Over here,” says Alice.

I go over and pick it up.

“Good. I think it’s time to wrap things up. Don’t you?”

“The faster the better.”

Angel me gestures at Mason.

“He’s wearing Lucifer’s armor. He can’t die as long as he has that on.”

“Get him out of it, will you?”

“My pleasure.”

While angel me strips Mason, I get Mason’s desk chairighs desk and roll it to the middle of the room. I get a chair from his worktable and set it facing the other.

“When you’re done, bring him over here.”

The angel drops Mason into his chair and I spin his knife in my hand.

“It’s been a hell of a day,” I say.

Mason nods.

“A little busier than most.”

He keeps an eye on the knife. I’m tempted to tease him with it, but this whole thing has been about us playing kid games with each other, so I let it go.

I shrug off my coat and the hoodie, giving Mason and Alice their first really good look at my Kissi arm.

I look at Alice and what she said to me in that last dream comes back to me. “I love you, but I’m over your moony guilt trip. Dream about that girl you’re lying next to for a change.” She was right. I love her but that part of our lives is over with. Besides, Alice can’t stand looking at the Kissi arm. Candy would love it.

I pull up my pant leg and cut the duct tape that’s holding the .357 snub-nose in place. I toss the knife and it sticks into the floor between us.

I say, “I finally know why you left the lighter for me to find in your basement. It was so no matter how lost I got, I could always find my way through the dark and get right here, right now. It’s taken a few twists and turns, but here we are. A couple of little lost lambs who finally found their way home.”

Mason nods at the pistol.

“That was real poetry. If you shoot me with that thing, you’re going to spoil the moment.”

“I used to think we were connected because we’re badass hoodoo men. But it’s because we’re losers. We can’t kill the universe, and after all the shit we’ve pulled, we can’t kill each other. And we can’t keep doing this forever. So let’s just do what we’ve both been wanting to do since we met.”

“What did you have in mind? One of those retreats where men sit around in drum circles and talk about their fathers? Or take your gun and male-bond while knocking over some liquor stores?”

I open the chamber and tilt the pistol so the shells fall out. I put one back in, spin the chamber, and slap it closed.

“Let’s keep it simple,” I say. I pull back the hammer. “Since we can’t seem to kill each other, we’re going to let the universe decide which one of us dies. I’ll go first.”

Alice turns away. The angel has his arm around her.

I put the pistol to the side of my head. Pull the trigger.

Click.

I’m still alive.

I hand Mason the pistol, butt end first. The angel comes up behind him and grabs his shoulder. I toss the angel the knife. He holds it to Mason’s throat.

I say, “Here’s the thing. I didn’t use magic just then, so neither are you. That angel on your shoulder can look inside you all the way down to your atoms, so he’ll see if you try to throw any hexes. If you cheat or even think about cheating, Johnny Angel there is going to cut you a new blowhole.”

Mason sits for a minute, both hands on the gun, letting it dangle between his knees, barrel to the floor.

“Before Christmas, please,” says the angel.

Mason sits up. He doesn’t like being told off by a halo polisher. But he still doesn’t move the gun.

I hold out my hand.

“If you’re that chicken, I’ll take another turn.”

That hits him where it hurts. He puts the gun to his head and cocks it. He looks straight at me. And blows his brains out.

Of course he blows his brains out. I’m not stupid. I said he couldn’t use magic. I didn’t say I couldn’t.

The palace sways under me like it’s a cruise ship. This isn’t hoodoo or regular tired. I slide from my chair to the floor. The carpet is soft and comfy.

“What’s wrong with him?” yells Alice.

“He’s mortal now that I’ve left him. Get him into Lucifer’s armor.”

Someone straps big slabs of metal over my chest and back. When did we get to the Ren Faire?

Alice is in Mason’s chair.

“Jim, can you hear me?”

“Yeah.”

She waves her hand in front of me.

“How many fingers am I holding up?”

I squint.

“When did you get thirteen fingers?”

“He’s all right.”

I stand on my own. The dizziness is gone. I feel better than I do 90 percent of the time. Sharper, stronger, and better focused. Lucifer wore this armor in Heaven. He fought in it. Killed in it. Bled in it and almost died in it. He’s left a part of himself in it. I feel as strong and clear as I felt when the angel was running things.

“It feels good. Like someone put a V-8 in a MINI Cooper.”

Alice says, “I don’t think you should take the armor off while you’re down here.”

“Hell, I may never take it off.”

The angel clears his throat.

“We’re not done here.”

“I suppose you’re right.”

“Mason is dead. Isn’t it over?” asks Alice.

“You might want to stay here and skip this next part,” I tell her. “One of us has to put on a show for the wolf pack outside.”

“I’ll do it if you aren’t up to it,” says the angel.

“No. I’m the killer, not you. And I have the armor. It should be me.”

I look at Alice.

“Stay with her. Don’t let her get grabbed by any angels or gods or elves.”

The angel nods.

“What are you going to do?” asks Alice.

I pick up Mason’s body and toss it over my shoulder. It hardly weighs anything. This armor is definitely coming home with me.

“Got to go out and become a god, baby.”

Alice looks at me. I shift Mason so his blood runs down my armor.

“There are so many at this point, what’s one more?”

I start to go out through a shadow, but bump into a solid wall. Ow. I forgot I don’t have the key right now. Allegra can put it back when she splices us back together. It feels funny not having someone inside me looking over my shoulder.

In the elevator I take the Singularity from Mason’s pocket and put it in mine. At the lobby, I go out onto the hotel’s wide lawn.

The Infernal legions, fresh from slaughtering the Kissi, are spread out in every direction. Soldiers show each other fresh Kissi pelts and wings. For all the fallen angels have built down here, at heart they’re still a bunch of morons pulling the wings off flies. Someone needs to work on that. Maybe I can set up a time-share for the angel. He can come down and teach them table manners and I can take care of business upstairs. Right now, though, I’m in wolf-pack country and this million or so killers are wondering who’s the alpha dog.

I climb on top of Semyazah’s Unimog and hold up Mason’s body so everyone can see him. A cheer goes up. It’s decent as cheers go, but it’s not a Steppenwolf playing “Born to Be Wild” to a sold-out crowd cheer.

I manifest the Gladius and hold it up high. And swing it down. Mason’s body drops and I kick it off the truck. When I hold up Mason’s head, that’s when the Thank-God-Bruce-is-finally-playing “Born to Run” roar hits. When I stick the head onto a set of longhorn antlers mounted on the truck, the screams get even louder. I stand there in Lucifer’s armor with the Gladius burning, shining like a blood-soaked star.

A group of generals comes across the parking lot. I keep the Gladius burning but lower it to my side. If they’re looking to pull an Ides of March thing, I have no problem whatsoever with running away.

General Semyazah is up front with Baphomet and Shax behind. Other officers spread out around them. Halfway to the truck they stop. Time for the bum rush. I should have kept Mason’s head. I could beat a couple of them stupid with it before it fell apart.

The officers don’t attack, but I still have a significant urge to run away. Semyazah kneels and one by one the other officers get down on one knee.

He shouts, “Hail horrors! Hail Infernal world! Hail Lucifer!”

The air is full of the thundering of the “Hail Lucifer!” Shit. No wonder rock stars go crazy. A mob like this can love you or rip you to pieces in a hot minute. And I don’t have a tour manager to tell me what to do next. Time for one more slice of bullshit.

I hold up my hands and the crowd goes quiet.

“Tonight was a great victory against a great enemy. In the coming weeks and months you’ll see some changes around here. Tonight, though, forget about war and blood and be happy that we’re still where we should be and Heaven is still where it should be. Both could be gone now, but they aren’t and it’s because of your fearlessness. So tonight Lucifer bows to you.”

I do it. I get down on one knee like Semyazah. The crowd goes apeshit. I get up while they’re still screaming. Always leave your audience wanting more. I get my ass back into the elevator and up to the penthouse. My guts are in knots, but no one’s taken a shot at me yet.

When I get upstairs Lucifer is there, chatting c1C;, chattasually with Alice and the angel like they’re deciding whether to rent Bambi or Beaches. Lucifer looks my way and claps his hands.

“Wonderful speech. I couldn’t have done better myself. Well, actually I could have done much better, but that was a good first effort. What sort of changes are you planning?”

“I don’t know. It was just something to say. First thing I’m going to do is haul that broken-down Bamboo House of Dolls in from the desert and rebuild it here. Maybe I’ll drop back down here every now and then and bartend. I’m making sure someone puts the roof back on Tartarus and let Semyazah toss Mason’s soul down there. He can have the whole place to himself.”

Lucifer narrows his eyes.

“You ruined the furnace.”

“Tell Ruach if he wants to send down a plumber, we’ll welcome him or her or whatever else you have up there with open arms.”

“You might not make a terrible Lucifer after all,” says Lucifer.

“How’s the bleeding?”

God bodyslammed Lucifer out of Heaven with a thunderbolt during their war and his wounds have never healed. He’s been hiding the open, bleeding wound from other Hellions for how long? Thousands of years? A million? The linen bandages are still there when Lucifer opens his shirt, but just a few drops of blood have soaked through.

He says, “Healing nicely. The climate up north is excellent for the health. You should come visit sometime.”

“Don’t get too cozy up there. I was more than happy to put Mason in the ground, but I told you before that I’m just a temp. The gig is done. Hell is yours.”

Lucifer loops his arm through my Kissi arm and walks me to a window.

“You still don’t grasp the situation. I’m not Lucifer anymore. I’m Samael, and Samael is a creature of Heaven just like Lucifer is the lord of Hell. As of tonight, you are the new Lucifer.”

“Fuck that,” I say, backing off. “I quit. I abdicate. I’m impeaching myself. No way am I staying down here a second longer than I have to.”

“Actually, I think you are and it’s not my doing,” says Samael.

He looks at Alice.

“Are you ready to go home, my dear?”

“No,” she says. “If Jim is staying, then I’m staying, too.”

“Yeah, except I’m not staying. Get it?”

“I’m afraid you are,” says the angel. “I’m holding on to the key for safekeeping. With all due respect, you aren’t to be trusted with it.”

“We both have to go back so Allegra can put us back together.”

“I’m going back alone. You go ahead and make changes here. I’m going to make some changes up above.”

“You’re fucking ditching me?”

The angel walks to a shadow on the wall.

“I could give you a million reasons, but the simple truth is that I’m sick of you, your moods, your anger, and your hangovers. And the way you kept me chained in the backyard like a bad dog. I’ll go back to earth and pick up where you left off.”

“You don’t have any scars. And you’re too young. Everyone will know you’re not me.”

He smiles and points a finger.

“But will anyone care? I might not be as colorful as you, but I’m much less likely to get everyone around me killed. That goes a long way toward making friends.”

He steps into the shadow.

“Wait! Come back. I promise I won’t try to stop you.”

The angel steps back in but doesn’t move from the shadow.

“You need to take some things with you. Take Kasabian a crate of Maledictions. And have one of the soldiers bring you a hellhound. I figure there has to be a Sub Rosa engineer or charm maker who can modify the mechanics so it can move upright, more like a person. Kasabian can go where the brain went. Voilà. He has a body.”

The angel sighs and squints at me.

“Is there anything else? Maybe I can get Bob Geldof to do a benefit to help you rebuild the place.”

“That would be awesome, but in the meantime . . .” I take out my black blade. The angel flinches, but takes it when I hand it to him butt first. “Give this to Candy and tell her to keep it safe for me. Tell her I’m coming back for it soon.”

The angel slips the knife into his waistband.

“I’ll get your cigarettes and your dog, but I’m not coming back here.”

“Youȁier1C;You&9;re really going to hate L.A., Clarence.”

As he goes I yell, “And tell Muninn to send care packages! He owes me that.”

Lucifer looks around and says, “I think that’s my cue to go. I’ll stop by from time to time to see how you’re faring. And, Alice, if you ever change your mind and want to come home, just whistle. I’ll be here in a flash.”

“Thank you,” she says.

“No,” I say. “I’m changing your mind for you. Go home. I know this place and I’m the boss now. I’ll be fine.”

“I can’t leave you here alone.”

“You know what’s worse than me being alone? It’s you hanging around out of guilt or obligation or something. I came down here to free you so you can go back where you’re supposed to be. So please do it.”

She looks between Lucifer and me. Samael, I mean. I’m Lucifer. That’s going to take some getting used to.

“I don’t know.”

“You made it Upstairs and that’s where you belong. I’m where I belong.”

She crosses her arms.

“How do I know this isn’t you conning me? Trying to be all noble. I don’t need you noble.”

She takes a step toward me. I take one back.

I say, “You don’t need me at all. Remember that last dream? All those times we talked. They were more than dreams, weren’t they?”

“Yes. I didn’t plan them. They seemed to happen when I slept too. Upstairs they told me it wasn’t all that uncommon for people who died in a violent and unsettled state. You’re still tied to a person or place like a ghost. Those dreams were me kind of haunting you.”

“That’s funny. It always felt like I was calling you.”

“Maybe it was fifty-fifty.”

“I’m just glad it wasn’t all me. I felt pretty pathetic when I thought it was.”

I pick up a rag from the workbench and wipe Mason’s blood off the armor. She doesn’t need that to be her last image of me.

I say, “But that last dream was different, wasn’t it?”

&ont="#0000#x201C;Yeah.”

“We both knew it, but you were the one with balls enough to say it. It’s time to let go.”

“We can’t go on haunting each other forever. Actually we could, but what kind of life is that?”

I toss the rag on the bench and walk over to her.

“You really like your friend, Candy?” she asks.

“I really do.”

“Is she going to wait for you?”

I shrug.

“Who knows? I’ll wait for her and the rest will go however it goes.”

“What happens now? We just say so long and never see each other again?”

“No.”

I want to talk but my jaw doesn’t want to move. I have to concentrate to get the words out.

“I’ve been ducking something ever since I first got out of here. I didn’t think I could stand to hear it but things will never be right between us unless I say it.”

My Kissi arm throbs. I rub it but the pain doesn’t let up.

“How did you die? How did Parker kill you?”

She starts to say something, shakes her head and starts again.

“All this time I thought you knew.”

She looks at me.

“Parker didn’t kill me. I did. Parker broke into the apartment, cuffed me, and dragged me to a crack head motel on Sunset.”

“The Orange Grove Bungalows? The magic Circle used to rent the rooms for rituals sometimes.” The Grove is also where I killed Parker back on New Year’s Eve. There’s a kind of funny symmetry in that that was probably lost on him.

“That’s the place. Parker called Mason when we got to the room so I knew this wasn’t his idea. I asked Parker what was going on and he laughed and said Mason had plans. He was going to do to me what he did to you but he didn’t say what that was. Before then, he said, we were going to have some fun together. All there was in that shitty little bungalow was a bed and a filthy bathroom so I had a pretty good idea of what he had in mind.”

My throat is closing up. I can’t stand this. I need to make her stop but wider stopI don’t. I let her keep talking.

“He took off his jacket, pushed me down on the bed, and climbed on top. I didn’t even fight him. He was twice my size. He had a gun. And he was Sub Rosa so he could use magic.”

She smiles to herself.

“Parker was never the brightest penny, remember? When he climbed on I held on to his shoulders like I was getting off on the scene. The horny asshole must have thought Mason was going to take a bus or something. He was shocked as hell when Mason magicked himself into the room. Parker didn’t get more than two minutes of fun. When Mason got there, let me tell you, he wasn’t laughing when he saw what was happening. He got hold of Parker with a ghost hand spell, lifted him off the bed without touching him and bounced him off the walls like he was playing air hockey, yelling the whole time about damaged goods. Neither of them noticed that I’d gotten the gun out of Parker’s shoulder holster while he was on top of me.

“When he was done with Parker, Mason did another spell and a hole opened in the floor of the room. I couldn’t see where it went but I knew damn well I didn’t want to go down there. So I shot him.”

She cocks her head for a second.

“I shot at him. But I missed. He looked at the hole and he looked at me and I knew what was coming next. Before he could grab me with the ghost hand I put the gun under my chin and pulled the trigger.”

The pain in the new arm won’t stop and my vision is getting tunneled. It could be a stroke but I know it’s just my brain trying to crawl out of my body and away from the sound of Alice’s voice.

“You can stop there,” I say. “I get the picture.”

“For the record, shooting myself wasn’t my first choice. I thought of you when I did it. I thought, ‘What would Jim do if he was here and he knew he couldn’t beat the other guy and something horrible was going to happen when he lost?’ And it came to me. Mason might have won the fight, but that didn’t mean he got to keep the prize. I took it away from him and all he could do was stand there and watch me pull the trigger. Mason didn’t win. I did. And it was because of you.”

Because of me. It’s because of me she was in that room at all. There’s nothing I could have done about it then and there’s nothing I can do about it now and that’s what I have to live with. Maybe that right there is the definition of life. Being alive is learning how to live with the intolerable. I’ll be explaining that to Parker soon enough. I’ll send a search party for his soul and teach him all about the intolerable.

I look at Samael.

“How is it she went Upstairs instead of down here? I thought suicide was a sure ticket on the coal cart.”

“Usually, but under extreme circumstances the rules can become flexible. Especially for me.”

Thanks, you pointy-tailed lunatic. Thanks a lot.

“Now it’s my turn to say something I’ve been avoiding,” says Alice. “You asked me before if we got together because the Inquisition wanted me to spy on you. The answer is yes. And that’s why I came to you.”

“That’s what I thought. But it’s old news. I don’t care anymore.”

She puts her hands over her mouth. There’s a moment of silence.

“Medea Bava told me about how dangerous you were and how you were going to expose the Sub Rosa to the whole civilian world and get us killed. I was afraid for my family.”

“Makes sense.”

She blinks. Half smiles.

“When I got to know you I knew Medea was half right. You were dangerous and I liked it. By then I didn’t care about the rest.”

“It’s okay. I believe you.”

“Really?”

I nod.

“That’s why it’s okay. Whatever Bava says we were to each other we know different and that’s all that matters.”

“Thank you.”

“Hell. Thank Medea for getting us together. I owe the old witch a candygram.”

She looks at Samael.

“You’ll look after him, right?”

“For you, dear, of course.”

“That’s sweet, Sam,” I say. “You’re getting as sentimental as the angel.”

He gives me a look that’s a lot more like the Infernal prince than I’ll ever be.

“Because I am an angel. And you’re the Scarecrow. A charming fellow. Now, if you only had a brain.”

“I wonder if they still get cable down here? I’m going to have to check that.”

Samael looks at Alice.

“See? He

I sit in Mason’s desk chair.

“I really have no fucking idea what I’m supposed to do. The angel was the smart one.”

“Try reading a book. There’s a library one floor down. Try reading up on how some of the smarter Greek kings did it.”

“None of them are audiobooks, are they?”

“I’m afraid not.”

“Damn.”

“Good-bye, Jim,” says Alice.

“That’s ‘Lucifer’ to you, girlie.”

She smiles a crooked smile.

“See you around, you devil.”

I blow her a kiss.

They’re gone. And I’m alone in Hell again.

That’s not a bad title for a song. Maybe I’ll look up Hank Williams tomorrow.

They’re gone maybe thirty seconds when someone calls my name from the balcony. I pick up Mason’s black blade and go outside.

It’s Josef. He looks like he went in through a meat grinder and got hit by a truck on the way out.

He whispers in a broken, damaged voice, “You betrayed us.”

“All I did was betray a betrayer, so if you’re here for an apology, you can kiss my ass on the way out.”

“I never betrayed you.”

“Really? The thing with the wanted posters kept bugging me. Jack couldn’t have made it back in time. Mason was still into his war plans, so he wouldn’t have made the posters unless he knew I was going to Eleusis. That’s where you come in. You knew that’s where I was going.”

“What about your so-called friends? The chattering head. Or the disgraced priest. He’s consorted with darker souls than yours.”

“Maybe. What turned it for me was when I called you to Mason’s office. You already knew the layout. You knew Mason had strung up Jack. You’d been in Mason’s office before. It’s where you told him everything I was going to do.”

Josef shuffles away, leaving bloody footprints behind.

I say, “If it makes you feel any better, you didn’t disappoint me. I never trusted you.”

“Then why call us back from the void?”

“Hey, I was improvising most of the time. But you were my ace in the hole. I knew you couldn’t beat Hell or Heaven on your own. But if I couldn’t stop the war, I figured I could put you together with whatever side I decided should win.”

“But instead you murdered us.”

“The only reason you haven’t killed off humanity is that we’re your food, and then where would you be?”

His swollen eyes widen. Kissi are so ugly that it’s usually hard to tell if one’s been hurt or not. But not tonight.

“So genocide is the first order of business for the new Lucifer. What a fine start to your reign.”

“It’s not genocide. You’re left.”

Josef climbs onto the balcony railing.

“This isn’t over. If I have to come for you alone, I will.”

“No you won’t.”

I throw my knife. It goes into Josef’s throat and out through his spine. He falls backward off the balcony.

And I was this close to letting him go because I did kind of fuck him over and he was so beat up and pathetic I felt sorry for him. But I let my guard down with Jack and he stole my face. I trusted Mason and he dragged me to Hell. Even Lucifer used me so he could go home. As of today, this is an official zero slack zone for the true monsters.

I wander back to a window and look out over my weird Convergence kingdom. It isn’t Hell and it isn’t L.A., but I’ve been to Fresno, so I’ve seen worse. I take the Singularity from my pocket and watch the black and white pinheads spin around each other.

I survived the arena and Mason down here, and I survived Wells, Aelita, and the Golden Vigil up there. I still have two legs, two eyes, an arm, and something pretty close to an arm. I’m back in Pandemonium, so I bet Kasabian can see me. Maybe I’ll learn semaphore Morse code so I can send messages to Candy. And I wouldn’t mind killing Aelita. She goes right at the top of my Infernal to-do list. Yeah. This might not be so bad.

You think I can’t cut it down here anymore? I grew up in L.A. and lived to tell the tale. Hell is just L.A. with lousy head shots. We’re balls-deep in the shit Downtown, but we know it and admit it. Someday I’ll get back home, and when I do I’m going to find an ahe to findngel with my face and kick his bony ass from Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles to the Pearly Gates and back. They might call me Lucifer these days, but I’m just a part-time devil, so don’t count me out. And don’t use up all the whiskey and cigarettes. I’ll be back.