Текст книги "How to Fall"

Автор книги: Rebecca Brooks

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Текущая страница: 18 (всего у книги 19 страниц)

“You want what Jamie has,” Julia finally said.

“No.” Blake shook his head. “I want what I had but was too wrapped up in myself and my plans to see.”

Julia looked at him intently. “What is it that you had?”

“I spent a week in Brazil falling in love with you, Julia. It took me five months to fully accept that that isn’t changing, and that nothing I feel for you is going away. That may be five months too long,” he said before she could remind him. “It’s five months I wish I hadn’t had to spend, and that you hadn’t had to go through. But that’s how long it took me to be more sure of this than I’ve ever been of anything in my life. That’s how long I could hold out before I knew that if I didn’t come see you, I’d break.”

She took a sharp breath. When she spoke, her voice was pained. “I tried to forget you. I tried to pretend it didn’t mean what it did. Because I thought that for you, it was over. You didn’t call. You barely wrote. I told myself I had to accept that we were done, because there was no other sign that we weren’t.”

Blake pulled up a chair beside her and leaned close, taking her hands in his. “This isn’t the kind of conversation for the phone. This isn’t the kind of thing I could email you and say.” He ran his thumb over her palm, wondering how such a simple touch could do so much to him. “You don’t have to do anything. You don’t have to love me back. But I had to tell you anyway. I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t get the chance to look you in the eyes and say I’m sorry.”

He looked at her and watched her scan him, trying to read something there. He let himself face her, open, his thumb gently circling the center of her palm. He didn’t know where this was going, but he had to wait and see.

“I’ve missed you,” she finally said, when he thought he couldn’t take her silence anymore. “I thought, after so much time passed, that you were gone.”

Mentally he kicked himself. How could he have let her wait all that time, thinking things were over for them? How could he have made her think her love wasn’t the most important part of his world?

“I had a lot of time to think while I was traveling on my own,” he said, hoping she would understand. “The whole time I kept convincing myself that I’d come home and dive back into my real life and, I don’t know, snap out of it or something. Like you were someone I could move on from.” He shook his head, laughing at the memories because otherwise he would cringe.

He told her about the blurry two weeks in Santiago before saying good-bye to a heartsick Jamie. He’d wanted to believe it was worth it to be there for his friend…and yet afterward, it seemed he was always moving, always trying to outrun his thoughts. If he could keep on the road ahead of his memories of the dark-haired girl with her captivating eyes, who did things that scared her and laughed at her fear, then maybe he’d be able to forget.

But he couldn’t. South Africa, Lesotho, Swaziland, Botswana, Zimbabwe… He went bungee jumping off the world’s highest jump in South Africa to prove to himself that he could, that he didn’t need anyone with him to do it. But while the adrenaline rush was there, the thrill wasn’t. It wasn’t as fun when he didn’t have anyone to laugh with about hollering all the way down.

At Victoria Falls it was like a dam released inside, flooding him with memories. The falls were supposed to be beautiful, but everything in him ached when he stood before the thundering cloud of white spray and wished it would pound him into the rocks, crush him so he didn’t have to feel this way. Julia had said she dreamed of falling, the soaring descent of each drop. But Blake only had eyes for the bottom, where the rocks were steadily pounded down until one day they’d be nothing but dust.

She ran a hand through his hair, pulling a curl behind his ear, and let her fingers linger on his neck. Her touch both melted him and turned him to steel. “I wish you’d told me you felt that way,” she said with a sigh.

“The postcard,” he reminded her.

“I know.”

“It wasn’t much.”

“No,” she said. “It wasn’t.” His stomach tensed with regret, until she said, “At least it let me know you weren’t gone.”

“I think some part of me hoped you’d come after me. Tell me I was wrong. Make me see the light. That sort of thing.”

“I was stunned,” Julia admitted. “It was like when you said you weren’t coming to Rio. I thought we were doing one thing, we’d talked about doing one thing, I thought everything was fine. And then—”

“And then I messed it up doing something else instead.” Blake finished the thought.

Julia sighed. “It makes it hard for me to understand. I don’t know how to read you. I don’t know what to believe.”

“I know that now I’m doing something else unexpected by showing up here like this. But I hope it’s different this time. I want to show you that I’m with you, and I mean it. I want to be with you.” He took a deep breath and let it all out, and with it the hurt and loneliness he’d held on to his whole time on the road. “I’m here now to show you what that means.”

Chapter Twenty-Five

Oh God. That was what the voice inside Julia’s head kept repeating. Not exactly helpful, but it was all she had. Oh. Fucking. God.

It should have been impossible, some fantasy she’d dreamed up in her loneliest hours late at night. But it was real. It was happening.

He was here.

And it felt so perfect, so indescribably right to have his fingers circling her palm. Maybe all those months were nothing but a precursor, giving them both the time and distance to know they were ready for this. So that when he finally stopped standing by the kitchen counter and came over to her, his touch, his kiss, told her that no matter where in the world they both were, they were home.

But it was still crazy. It was like they’d skipped ahead five months and he wanted to pick up right back where they’d been.

“Blake,” she started, but when he wrapped his arms around her, she found the words wouldn’t come.

“I know that I’m saying a lot,” Blake said, as though reading her mind. “But I want to be here. I want to be with you. I want to give us a try.”

“I need to ask you something,” she said before she could get too swept away. The words gnawed at her. She didn’t want to address it, but she knew that if she didn’t get it out now, it would keep hanging over her, and she couldn’t do that. She’d let things slide without voicing her feelings, and if she’d learned anything these five lonely months, it was that she wasn’t going to do that with Blake ever again.

Blake pulled away but it was only to see her better as he said, “Of course.”

“Your new show that you’re working on—who’s going to play the leads?”

“I don’t know yet,” he said, looking confused by her question. “There’ll be auditions, but I don’t want to be part of the team that picks. Someone else will know the right players. I want them to go with their gut.”

Julia took a breath and asked outright what she’d meant. “So not Kelley, even though she’s so good in The Everlastings.”

Blake’s eyebrow jumped. “You actually watched the episodes I sent you?”

Immediately the heat rose to her face. “More like every season. Twice.”

His eyes widened.

“Okay, you caught me.” She sighed. “Maybe three times.”

There was a silence. “Wow,” Blake said. “That’s…a lot.”

She winced. “I know.” And then, because he’d come all this way and been so honest with her, she admitted the real reason she’d watched it so many times. “I like falling asleep to it playing in the background. It feels like I’m hearing your voice.”

This time she was the one who reached for him, running her fingers up his hand, his arm, feeling the faint blond hairs and the trace of his forearms where the muscles disappeared under his sleeve.

Blake covered her hand with his.

“Kelley’s not going to be in it. I’m handing over The Everlastings to another writer. I don’t know how long she and Liam will stay on it, or what they’ll be working on next, but the truth is I don’t really care. I want them to be happy, to find roles that they like. Whatever they want from their careers. But for me?” He shook his head. “I want actors who are there to work. I’m not worried about anything else.”

Right away Julia could hear the different way he spoke about Kelley from when they’d been in Brazil. Then, she’d still felt him wince at the pain.

But now it was as though he were talking about something that had happened to somebody else, a long time ago. She knew now in a way she hadn’t before that he was really over her. Everything in his life had moved on.

And in hers. When she thought of Danny and Amy, nothing in her stabbed at the knowledge that he had someone else on his arm. If anything the feeling was akin to what Blake described when he saw Jamie find happiness with somebody new. That she’d had that, once, and let it go. Whenever she closed her eyes, there was one person she pictured, someone who had been far away and was now somehow, inexplicably, sitting right in her kitchen, wrapping her in his arms.

“But, Blake.” She leaned close and shook her head into the crook of his neck, inhaling the scent of him, the surprising softness of his skin. “You live in Australia. I live here.”

“I can live here.”

“What?” She tilted her head to look up at him.

His arms were still around her, running his fingers through her hair. “I can be here,” he whispered into her neck.

“But your show,” she started—didn’t he have his own plans?

“I can write anywhere. I can try to find an American producer. I can—I don’t know, Julia. But we can make it work.”

She felt him hold her tighter, grazing his lips along her neck, up to her ear, taking his time. Like he knew he had the time. Like he knew he could have forever to kiss her because neither of them were going anywhere.

“I also thought—” he said, but then he stopped and Julia thought that if it was something bad then she didn’t want him to say it because it might make him stop holding her, and want to pull his lips from her skin, and she didn’t think she could handle that. Not now, not again, not after she’d finally decided to let her heart open to him.

“What?” Her body trembled against his.

His hands found the nape of her neck, fingers buried into her hair.

“I thought since you have some time off…if you’re not doing anything this summer…” he began.

Oh.

The trembling stopped.

She brought her lips to his ear.

“Yes,” she whispered.

“You don’t even know what I was going to say.”

“I do. And you know the answer. It’s still yes.” She relaxed all the way into him. “With you, I always want to say yes.”

He held her tighter. “I haven’t gotten my return ticket yet.”

She bit her lip, and then without fear, without uncertainty, she went for it. “Then get two.”

“Do you really think you can come with me for the summer?”

“If you want me to.”

His kiss could have been answer enough, but still he whispered, “I want you to.”

But Julia was still Julia, ever practical, and she pressed a finger to his lips to stop him. “I can’t make any promises, though. I can’t just…up and move like that.”

“No,” he said emphatically, kissing along her jawbone, her chin, her cheek—anywhere but her lips where she wanted him. “I’d never ask that of you. I just want to spend time with you. Here, there—it doesn’t matter. I want you to come with me for a little bit, while you have the time, and then we can figure things out from there. We can be together and still take it day by day.”

Her lips searched his, demanding the kiss he was keeping from her. “We can go anywhere.”

He made a face. “Not anywhere cold.”

She laughed. “That’s okay, I don’t think they need many math teachers in Antarctica.”

“I don’t have any script ideas set there, either.”

“Something tells me you can come up with anything.” Then she added, taking his hand, “I have a few last-minute things to do in the classroom, but stay with me until I can wrap things up around here.”

“I have a hotel room,” he said. “I can stay there as long as I need. I don’t want to move too fast. I don’t want to be in the way.”

Julia hooked her fingers through his belt loops. “Please don’t go away tonight.”

Blake cradled her head in his hands. When he kissed her, Julia knew that no matter where in the world he was, as long as he was with her they’d be home.

“Do you have dinner plans?” he murmured, still kissing her face, the flutter of her eyelids soft against his lips.

“I used to.”

He laughed quietly. “I hope I’m not ruining things.”

She touched her finger to his nose. “You once told me you intended to ruin me.”

“Mmm.” He licked his lips. “Then I’d better get started.”

“How about Indian?” she said. “There’s a great delivery place down the block, they’ll be slow on a Friday night, but…” She let her fingers trace over his mouth, along his clavicle, down the front of his chest where she longed to follow with her lips. “Maybe we could find some way to pass the time.”

And then it was as though a switch in him suddenly flipped. Gone was the reserved Blake standing politely at arm’s distance, explaining himself to her. Inching forward until he was close enough to stroke her hand. At her words, he reached for her as he pushed back his chair and stood. She leaped up so her legs were straddling his waist. He held her in his strong arms and she kissed him, tugging on his lower lip with her teeth. She wanted this so much it hurt.

Her hips rocked against him as they clung tightly to one another, kissing furiously. He pressed against her through his jeans and she remembered the first time she’d felt him like this, in the pool. Only now it was in her kitchen, nothing magical or faraway about that, and it still turned her on like it had the first time. Maybe even more.

“Blake,” she moaned, the thrill of his name pulsing through her body. “I love you, Blake.” She kissed him again. “I love you.” The words escaped of their own volition before she could think or second-guess herself. But as soon as she said it she knew there was no second-guessing, because it was true. That their time together had been short didn’t make it any less real. She wanted Blake, wanted all of him, and she was going to make sure he knew.

Blake wrapped one hand tighter around her upper thigh while the other hand slid up the back of her shirt, the hint of skin on skin making her back arch so that her hips drove harder against him. His kiss was possessive, and she let herself be claimed.

“I love you, Julia Evans,” he told her. “There’s no way I’m letting you go.”

“Don’t,” she said, “ever.” She tugged on his lip with her teeth. He groaned and kissed her harder.

“I need you,” she said, and felt his lips turn in a smile.

“I thought you needed food.”

She laughed, heart galloping out of her chest. “Menu. In the kitchen. By the fridge.” She couldn’t form full sentences while her lips were on his, her tongue searching, tasting, drawing him in.

He staggered backward, spinning her until her back was up against the refrigerator, her legs still wrapped around him. He used the door as a brace to hold her up while he pinned her with his pelvis, leaving a hand free to reach for her breasts as he kissed the side of her neck, making her moan.

“In the drawer,” Julia panted as his teeth found her ear lobe and tugged.

He thrust against her to keep her in place against the fridge, and she loved the feel of it, the way he held her there so that she couldn’t move. The pressure of him, the pressure against her back, her thighs open and aching for him.

She craned her neck to see into the drawer. “The red one,” she said. He pulled it out and then brought his hand back under her ass to hold her up as he lifted her away from the fridge.

“Bedroom?” he asked. She steered him into the room, kissing him, laughing as he bumped her into the table, the edge of the couch, staggering backward as he refused to pull his lips from hers.

He dropped her on the bed and flopped down next to her. “Favorite choices?” he asked, passing her the menu.

But no matter how much her stomach was growling, she couldn’t focus on that. She pushed the menu away and swung her leg over him, pulling herself up so she was straddling his thighs as he lay back on the bed and gazed up at her.

“Blake,” she murmured as she ran her hands up his chest, first over his shirt and then under, feeling the ripples in his stomach, catching on the button to his jeans before she unhooked it and slid the zipper down. “My favorite choice is Blake.”

She dropped down until she was kneeling on the floor before him as he lay there, pants unbuttoned, the bulge of his cock so tempting she wanted to savor it before she slid it all the way out and put her mouth on him. He groaned, his eyes closed, waiting. The sweetness of anticipation. She thought about how nervous she’d felt when they’d first been together in the pool. He’d seemed so sure of himself—and so sure that the next day, he was going to leave.

How much things had changed for both of them.

This wasn’t a promise. It wasn’t a guarantee. But it wasn’t going to be a one-night stand. This was the start of something too big to be contained in a night, in a week, in any set amount of time. It was too big for a postcard, an email. Too big to have in one talk.

It was in all the things that weren’t said, all the things that didn’t have to be, all the things that shouldn’t have been. Maybe they never talked about what had happened between them in Brazil, not because there wasn’t anything to talk about, but because there was too much to know how to say it all. Maybe Blake really had been hoping for her to broach the topic first, for the same reasons she hadn’t brought it up with him. Who wanted to be the one who didn’t understand what the fling was—the one who ruined it by bringing up feelings that weren’t supposed to be there? Who wanted to be the one left behind when the other person moved on?

Or maybe it was like he’d said, and he’d simply needed more time to sort out what was in his heart, the same way Julia had. Because it was only when faced with his absence that she truly understood what it had meant to know him by her side. The pain wasn’t in leaving, she’d come to realize, but in having to go through every subsequent moment knowing both of them had left.

She slid him out of his pants and pushed his shirt up so she could lick along his stomach, flick his nipples with her tongue. Work her way down with such tantalizing slowness that he was squirming by the time she touched the tip of his cock lightly, teasing, with her tongue. She licked along the length of his shaft, then slid her mouth over him. She loved the feel of him, the taste of him, the way he filled her mouth. The way he filled her, completely.

And then she was standing before him, pulling her clothes off, reaching over to get a condom from her nightstand, climbing on top of him. Murmuring her love to him as her body lowered down. It was different in her apartment, in her home, surrounded by the quietness of her everyday life. And it was different knowing that this wouldn’t be the last time.

That should have been scary, but she wasn’t afraid. She was on the edge of the cliff and she was running, she was hitting the edge, she was taking the next step with nothing to hold her up, but she already knew that when she tumbled off the edge of the platform, she would feel not the absence of ground beneath her but the thrill of flying with her brand new wings.

If she fell, well, at least the views would be worth it on the way down. But first the wind would catch her and she’d fly.

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Acknowledgments

Thanks to my agent, Andrea Somberg, for her wisdom, support, and generosity with her time—I am so lucky to have you! Alycia Tornetta is a dream editor who completely got Julia and Blake and helped take their story to the next level. Thank you to Alison B. and Nora Metzger for their invaluable feedback on earlier drafts, and to Balaka Basu, the best Skype writing buddy, pep-talker, and critique partner I could ask for. Sean Austin doesn’t know it, but he gave me the initial idea for Julia’s character—thanks for letting me steal from your brain. And of course my deepest thanks to Robert, my first and best reader, who never fails to believe in what I’m writing long before I do.

I was fortunate to spend time in Brazil from 2004-2005 and again in the summer of 2006. While I didn’t have quite the same experiences as Julia, I did go to all the places she visits. I am especially grateful to the Paiva family in Fortaleza, Becky for jumping off a cliff with me in Rio, and Dzashe for long chats on the beach. Also the random Australian couple that suggested sharing a cab to the Argentine side of Foz do Iguaçu. You never know who you’re going to meet or the ways life can change if you want it to.