Текст книги "Ruin"

Автор книги: Rachel Van Dyken

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Текущая страница: 4 (всего у книги 14 страниц)

Chapter Twelve

People should just mind their own business. Right? I mean, how am I his problem?

Kiersten

“Who the hell does he think he is?” I yelled into the phone.

Uncle Jo sighed heavily on the other line. “He sounds like a nice young man, and he does have a point.”

I wanted to throw something against the wall. I pulled out another pill and crunched it between my teeth. It was bitter, but I didn’t care. I needed to feel better. I mean, in theory I knew antidepressants weren’t supposed to be taken like that, but the placebo effect was enough – for now.

“Kiersten, he was being a good friend. You do tend to wear your emotions on your sleeve.”

“I’ve known him a day! And what? He wants to help me? To save me? He’s making it worse!”

“How so?” Uncle Jo asked in a calm voice. “It seems to me that he’s pulling off the band-aid you’ve been gluing to your feelings. I’m no expert, but you can only function at the level you’ve been functioning at for so long. I allowed you to go to school four hours away so that you could have your freedom. Remember our agreement.”

“Yeah, yeah.” I sat on the bed and groaned. “Shape up or you ship out and pack my crap.”

His chuckle calmed me. “Exactly. You haven’t dealt with your grief in a healthy way. You shouldn’t still be on antidepressants, you shouldn’t be so uptight. For God sake Kiersten. You’re eighteen!”

“I’m ancient.”

“You’re a kid.” I could just see him pacing on the floorboards in the kitchen. “Live. Go have a beer – and only one. Cheat death, like they didn’t. Go streaking through your dorm. Do something. Anything’s better than you staring at the damn wall like you’ve been doing for the past two years.”

“You been watching Dr. Phil?” I asked.

“Maybe.” He laughed. “The point is you have to live.”

It was the first time someone had given me permission to do exactly that. I always felt like I had to suffer because they did. How stupid, right? But the human condition is stupid. We torture ourselves in order to feel better – that’s what I was doing. Torturing myself because it wasn’t fair.

“Stop,” Uncle Jo growled.

“What?”

“Thinking.”

“I’m not—”

“You are.” With a sigh he spoke low into the phone. “Sweetie, your parents would have wanted you to do things, crazy things. They took risks. You torturing yourself and being careful doesn’t protect you from the bad.”

And we get to the heart of the matter.

I was terrified. I felt like I had to control everything. If I controlled what I ate, what I wore, how I acted, who I spoke to, I could keep myself from the same fate.

“They loved you,” he said forcefully.

Words lodged in my throat.

“They would want you to live.”

I swallowed the emotion in my throat. “But what if I don’t live? What if I die?” I could feel the darkness starting to overwhelm me. I sat on my bed and put my head between my knees. The doctor always said anxiety was a form of depression. I’d never believed him, but for the past two years anxiety and depression had been my only friends. Maybe that’s why Wes was pushing me.

“Live,” Uncle Jo rasped. “Mess up. Get arrested. Hell, get caught doing drugs.”

I laughed at his exaggeration

“I just want to know you’re okay.”

“I’m okay, Uncle Jo, I promise. You know you’re the worst parent ever, right?”

He sighed and then chuckled. “Or the best, however you want to look at it.”

“You just told me to do drugs.”

Silence and then, “Don’t tell your grandma.”

“Noted.”

“Alright, kiddo.” Our time was almost up, he never talked long. He wasn’t much of a talker, so tonight was kind of a shock. “Go do something stupid.”

“Thanks, Uncle Jo, for talking.”

“It’s what I’m here for.”

I hung up the phone and stared at my door. Do something stupid? Okay, fine. I was going to do something insane. Before I could change my mind I stormed out of my room and took the next few flights of stairs to Wes’s door.

My heart threatened to beat out of my chest as I knocked on the door once, twice, and then a third time.

“Hold up,” his voice called from inside.

The door swung opened. His smile grew from small to ginormous.

“I’m done with my list.”

“I know, you told me earlier.”

“I made my own.” I lifted my chin in defiance.

“Did you now?” He crossed his arms and chuckled, leaning his large muscled body against the door frame. “And what’s yours say?”

“I can’t tell you.”

His brow furrowed.

“I have to show you.”

“Okay,” he said slowly. His eyes closed just slightly as a sexy grin spread across his face. “So show me.”

Crap. I was sweating. I couldn’t punk out. Uncle Jo wanted crazy? I’d give him crazy. I stood up on my tiptoes and brushed my mouth against Wes’s. I was so nervous that my lips were actually trembling when they touched his, as soon as they made contact, I tried to pull back.

But Wes grabbed my chin between his fingers and pulled my face closer to his. “I have a list too, you know.”

“Do you?” It was hard to breathe with him so close to me.

“Yup.” His lips brushed mine again and I felt his tongue push against the seam of my lips as if trying to break down my defenses, but I knew, the minute I opened up to him, I wouldn’t be able to push him away anymore, and that scared the hell out of me.

“Open.” He nipped at the corner of my mouth. “I won’t hurt you.”

But he already was, every moment spent in his presence was like getting a bucket of cold water thrown on me repeatedly. I didn’t know what to believe or if I could trust him. Could you trust someone so beautiful? So talented? So perfect?

His hands moved from my chin to my shoulders and then ran down my arms causing chills to move across my body.

Wes blew slightly across my mouth. I gasped. And all was lost. He crushed his mouth to mine, his tongue massaging and tasting. I whimpered, he moaned low in his throat as his hands moved around my neck.

Next thing I knew, I was in his room, the door was slammed behind us and his hands were resting at my hips. I rocked toward him, not really knowing what I wanted, but needing to be closer to him.

Wes pulled away, his chest heaving with exertion. He swallowed, turned around, and cursed “I’m sorry.”

He was sorry? That he’d kissed me? I reached for the door, but the minute I pulled it open he pushed it closed. I was facing away from him, his breath was hot on my neck, and soon his lips followed. I closed my eyes. It felt so good, him touching me. It was so right that I wanted to scream. I’d never felt so exposed to another person. I’d never felt such an adrenaline rush as when his tongue had touched mine, or when his fingers grazed my hip bone.

“Stay,” he whispered in a hoarse voice. “Stay with me.”

“In your room?”

“No. On the roof.” He chuckled in my ear. “Yes, in my room. What if I promise not to touch you?”

“Isn’t that what guys say before they seduce girls? At least in the movies?”

“Not a movie.” His fingers tapped my collarbone and then moved slowly down the front of my shirt, stopping right on my heart. “I just want to feel your heart beating. That’s all.”

Was he trying to be romantic or was he serious? His hand didn’t leave my chest, and then I felt his body humming against mine as he pulled me back against him. “Please?”

“If I get kicked out of school—”

“You won’t.” He urged. “I’m the RA. You’re in a fight with your roommate. I’m protecting your honor, all that stuff.”

“Except my roommate kicks ass, you want to steal my honor, and you’re a playboy.”

“Playboy?” He removed his hand. “I guess so, but not with you.”

“Yeah, so I’m different, huh? How many times have you told that to girls in the last twenty years?”

“It started when I was eight…” He began.

I laughed. I couldn’t help it.

“Seriously.” He turned me so I was facing him. “I’m not gonna lie. I want you. I want you so freaking bad that I’m pretty sure when I get to heaven I’m going to be sainted.”

My eyes narrowed.

“Things just…” He cursed and ran his fingers through his dark blond hair. “Things just feel better with you around. More complete. Does that make sense?”

“I guess.” I wasn’t ready to admit to him that I was falling hard and fast. I mean I’d known him, what? Two days?

“Besides…” He sighed. “You came to my room, remember?”

“My uncle said to do something crazy.”

He held up his hands. “Anytime you feel the urge, I’m here. In fact, I may have to remind you of this conversation every five minutes or so, hope you don’t mind.”

“Thanks.” I gulped and shoved my hands into my pockets.

“So, we should sleep.”

“What? No painting each others nails and wearing face masks?” I joked.

He threw his head back and laughed. “Well, it’d probably get my focus off of tossing you against the wall and taking every last shred of your innocence. So yeah, maybe I should paint your nails, then I can imagine that you’re not standing in front of me with swollen lips and tousled red hair. Damn, I love your hair.” He reached for a few pieces and sighed.

“Maybe this is a bad idea.” I started backing away.

Wes grabbed my hand. “Good. I like bad ideas, they make me feel alive.”

“And you need to feel more alive then you already do?”

His face fell. He looked down at the ground and whispered, “You have no idea.”

Chapter Thirteen

If she only knew… then again, she’d probably murder me in my sleep. I’d rather die by her hands than… well, never mind.

Weston

“So we doing this or not?” I changed the subject.

She looked at the door, then back at me, then back at the door. Making the decision for her, I twisted the lock and pulled out a pair of boxers and a t-shirt for her to wear. “We don’t have bathrobes in this fancy establishment, but I do have clean clothes for you to sleep in. Now strip.”

“Wh-hat?”

“Kidding.” I laughed though a part of me had to admit I’d been hopeful. “The bathroom’s just through there. Go change, I’ll be sure to be fully clothed when you come back.”

“Okay.” Her hands were shaking. I reminded myself to send Uncle Jo a Christmas ham for his advice. On one hand I was glad it led her to me, but on the other, had she decided to go to some other guy I would have probably ended up in prison. So, maybe not a ham… A card? Sure, a card would be nice.

I quickly peeled off my shirt, threw on a pair of workout shorts and lay on the bed. My dad had texted a few things about being nice to James and David. He also wanted to know how the new meds were. I was so sick and tired of medicine that I wanted to throw something against the wall. I was counting on Kiersten not being a snoop, since my drug collection was happily displayed under my sink, not that she’d even know what the drugs were or how they worked. Even if she did an Internet search for the names she’d be stunned to see over half of them were experimental.

“Ready.” Kiersten’s small voice called from the bathroom as the door opened and the light turned off. She was practically swimming in my clothes. I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face. She looked so damn sexy in my shorts I wanted to charge toward her and rip them from her body.

Self control.

I cleared my throat and patted the bed. “I don’t bite.”

“But you do lick.”

“Always.” I fought to keep my hands at my sides. Damn, but they itched to reach out and pull her against me. “I won’t lick you now, Lamb.”

“Says the wolf,” she sang as she slowly made her way over to the bed and sat next to me. “I don’t do things like this. Furthermore, I’m only doing this to prove a point to my uncle and myself.”

“And what’s that?”

“That I can live,” she said in a low voice. “That I didn’t die with them.”

“Them?” I pulled her against my chest.

“I don’t really talk about it much. Not unless you’re a doctor and charge over two hundred dollars an hour to scribble stuff on a notepad and prescribe me drugs.” Her entire body tightened. “Not that I’m on drugs. I’m just—”

“Kiersten?”

“Yeah.” She sounded like she was going to cry.

“It’s fine to have help.”

After a few moments of silence where her heartbeat slammed against my hand, she gave a jerky nod. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Now, let’s be all crazy and go to sleep.”

“Like old people.” She laughed.

“Yeah, exactly like that.” Because if she squirmed any more against me I was going to lose my mind. “Goodnight, Lamb.”

“Night, Big Bad Wolf.” She yawned and turned to face me. “I should warn you, sometimes I have night terrors.”

“It’s okay, I snore.”

“Are you lying?”

“Yup.”

She sighed and bit her lip. Damn, how I wanted to hold her lips captive like her teeth were.

“I peed the bed once.”

Her eyes widened.

“I was four.”

“How life-altering.”

“It was.” I nodded. “My teddy bear didn’t make it.”

“Tragic.”

I shook my head. “I always wonder to myself, could I have done something different to save my bear?”

Her laugh made my heart skip a beat; in fact, it did a hell of a falter before going back to normal. “Thanks.”

“For what?” I brushed some hair away from her porcelain face.

“Making me feel better.”

“Well, I am your RA…”

“This probably isn’t in the job description.” She laughed. “And I know it wasn’t in the brochure.”

I shrugged. “Well, it’s in the description now. My new job description is making you laugh and chasing away the bad dreams.”

“I wish that was true.”

“Sleep.” I kissed her forehead. “And if you do any more crazy shit, can I be a part of it?”

“Sure, why?” Her eyelids fluttered closed.

Oh,you know,because I would murder anyone who touches you. “No reason, I just don’t like to think of you being all crazy without your partner in crime.”

“‘Kay.”

“Night.

“Night,” she whispered.

Chapter Fourteen

Maybe I didn’t dream because for once in my life I was living it.

Kiersten

“Morning, sunshine,” a gravelly male voice said next to my ear.

I jolted awake and almost knocked my forehead against his. It was a close call. Wes jerked back and laughed, putting his hands behind his head as he stared up at the ceiling. “So, no nightmares.”

“No nightmares.” He seriously couldn’t possibly know how life-altering it was to go through a full night without waking myself up screaming. Maybe it wasn’t a side effect of the drugs. Maybe it was just me. Maybe I was defective.

“Class?” He yawned again.

I looked at the clock next to the bed. “In two hours. I should go.”

“It takes you two hours to get ready? I had you more for a twenty-minute girl.”

I slapped him across his hard stomach. “If you must know, I take thirty, but I want to get back before Lisa sends out a search party.”

He was quiet for a moment and then asked, “Are you going to tell her where you were?”

“Maybe.”

“I’ll keep it a secret,” he said. “Friends have secrets, right?”

“Right.” I pushed away from the mattress and stood. It was the best night’s sleep I’d had in two years. Part of me longed to return to the bed, to his warmth. Instead, I marched into the bathroom, changed back into my clothes from the day before, and grabbed my keys and phone.

“Same time tonight?” He winked, and dang the man was sexy all stretched out on his bed. How the hell had I slept through that? With his body so close to mine? I must have been completely exhausted. Either that or I wasn’t attracted to guys or something.

“Uh, I have homework.”

“On day two of classes?” His eyebrows lifted and then his face fell. “Oh, I see, you’re going to do the whole avoiding thing. Well, let me shoot you straight. We didn’t have sex, so you’re not doing the walk of shame, things aren’t awkward, and if you avoid me like the plague I’ll just stalk you.”

“That’s not creepy.”

He shrugged.

I managed an eye roll and a smile as I unlocked the door and snuck out.

I made it all the way to the stairwell without anyone seeing me. Trying not to be loud, I padded down to my room and crossed the hall, just as Gabe came from the opposite direction. The grin on his face growing by the minute.

“Naughty girl, were you out all night?”

“Uh…” I looked away from him and tucked my hair behind my ears. “I fell asleep at the library.”

He sighed. “I tried that excuse once. Apparently they close at three a.m. and have security dogs check under the tables every night.”

“Damn.”

“Whoa, and a curse.” He wrapped his arm around me and walked me down the hall to my room. “Someone walking on the wild side?”

This time I rolled my eyes without any effort.

He paused, releasing his hold on my arm, and then his nose was in my hair, on my neck, everywhere.

Too much in shock to do anything, I froze.

Gabe pulled back. A smug grin plastered all over his chiseled face. “Sex. I smell sex on you.”

Guilt slapped me across the face. I tried to hide it, but Gabe saw it. He nodded once and then tapped his finger against his mouth. “My money’s on Michels.”

And heat just exploded across my face.

“In his room?”

I started fidgeting with my keys so I could unlock the door. Gabe grabbed my hand and held it captive. “A word of warning.” His eyes lost all hint of teasing. “He’s probably not the type of guy to get involved with for your first—”

Now Gabe was blushing right along with me.

“My first?” I straightened tried my best to look ignorant.

“Just your first.” He swore and put the key in the lock. “He’s rich. Women want him. Hell, my grandma wants him. Just – just be careful. Guys like that, they don’t do commitment. They do one night stands.”

“Funny,” I said with a snort. “That’s exactly what Lisa said about you.”

“Hey!” He twisted the key and pushed the door open for me to go through. “I don’t pretend to be innocent, okay? I screw girls, they say thank you, and I let them go on their merry way. Both parties satisfied, end of story. I’m up front about what I am and who I am…”

“And he isn’t?”

“He’s secretive.” Gabe swore. “And I know he didn’t rape that girl. I’m just saying, to be careful, that’s all.”

“Careful?” Lisa’s sleepy voice came through the bedroom door, and then she appeared in short white shorts and a tank top. “Who has to be careful?”

I shot Gabe a pleading look. He sighed guiltily. “I do. I totally got drunk and almost bagged your roommate last night.”

Lisa screamed.

Gabe smiled. “At least you’re awake now.”

“Don’t scare me like that!” She swatted him on the arm. “She’s too pure for your blood.”

“Don’t I know it,” he murmured and sent me a wink while I mouthed a thank you.

“Breakfast.” I pressed my hand to my forehead and ran my fingers through the front part of my hair. “Why don’t I make everyone breakfast?”

“Sure.” Lisa yawned and stretched. “I’m gonna go shower real quick.”

After she left, Gabe tilted his head in my direction. “So is this a breakfast or a guiltfest?”

“Hilarious.”

He grinned and lifted his hands into the air. He looked like a buffer version of Adam Levine with his ripped white shirt, tattoos and skinny jeans.

“What?” his eyes narrowed.

“Nothing.” I felt my cheeks blush. Well, I was officially a hussy. “You just look nice.”

“Nice?” he repeated.

I nodded.

“Nice?” He leaned against the counter and crossed his arms. “Hmm, never been called nice before. You sure Michels didn’t addle your brain after your crazy night of—”

“—talking and sleeping,” I interrupted.

Gabe snorted. “Really? That’s all that went down? Hmm, didn’t know he was gay.”

“He’s not.” I smirked, and then realized I was caught.

“Oh?” Gabe nudged me with his elbow. “And how do we know that?”

“Er, because, he has a reputation.”

The room was silent for a bit while I mixed some of the pancake batter together and then turned on the stove.

“Good kisser?” Gabe asked.

The skillet fell out of my hands, clattering against the stove. Gabe’s chuckle made me want to stab him with a fork.

He held up his hands in mock innocence. “Just a question.”

“Yes.” I licked my lips. “He is. But it was more like a dare to myself. He didn’t start it. I did.”

“Nice.” Gabe took the batter from my hands and continued mixing while I went to the fridge and pulled out some OJ. “You telling me that underneath that sweater and frigid interior is a sex kitten just pawing her way out?”

I chose not to answer, instead busying myself with pouring juice into the three glasses and making sure the pan was sprayed for the pancakes.

“Want to make funny shapes and freak Lisa out?” Gabe asked. Clearly we were done talking about me. I couldn’t be more thankful.

“She’s scared of pancakes?”

“Mickey Mouse ones.” His eyes twinkled with humor. “Tragic experience at Disneyland when she was four.”

“Wait.” I laughed. “She’s scared of Mickey?”

“He sneezed in her face. Her princess hat fell off. She cried. It was a whole…” he waved in the air, “…episode.”

“Sure.” I grabbed the spoon. “I used to make these all the time for—” My voice trailed off.

“For?” he said.

“For my family.”

“Cool.” He dropped it and went to get plates while I dropped the batter onto the hot skillet.

Lisa finished showering just as we made the last pancake. Gabe chuckled and rubbed his hands together. “It’s the little things in life that thrill me.”

“Good to know.” I put a pancake on Lisa’s plate and handed it to him.

“Cousin?” Gabe called. “We made you something extra special.”

“Mm.” She took a deep appreciative sniff. “It smells like pancakes, yeah?” She placed the dish on the table and pulled out her chair. Then her eyes fell on her plate. With a scream she stepped back and tripped over her chair, sailed to the ground, and landed with a thud.

“Classic.” Gabe held out his fist. I bumped it.

“Damn, mouse,” Lisa said from the floor.

Gabe went to help her up. She swatted his hand away. “Lisa, don’t mope.”

“I’m not moping.” She crossed her arms. “I’m just… on pancake strike.”

He sighed and knelt down. “Want me to break up your pancake so it doesn’t look mousey anymore?”

“I don’t care, do what you want,” she snapped.

Gabe reached for her plate and destroyed the mouse shape then handed it back. “See? All better.”

Lisa kissed his cheek and allowed him to help her up. “Thanks, Gabe.”

“It was a mouse.” I was still processing the fact that she’d been that freaked out over a pancake.

“Don’t even go there.” Lisa thrust her finger in my face. “You have night terrors and scare your roommate crapless. I hate Mickey. We all have our hang ups.” She had me there.

“Night terrors?” Gabe tilted his head in my direction. “Don’t only little kids have night terrors?”

“And me.” I plopped down onto my seat. “Apparently.” Though I hadn’t had one last night. I left that part out. It was a rarity.

Once we finished eating I sent Uncle Jo a quick text.

I kissed a guy and ate way too many pancakes this morning. How’s that for crazy?

He replied back right away.

That’s my girl.