Текст книги "Ravages"

Автор книги: R.A. Padmos

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Текущая страница: 17 (всего у книги 18 страниц)

“And why exactly is that a problem?” Matthew grins dirtily at Gael.

“Good question. Dan had been planning to get a double last year...but … yeah … His mother

told me the beds have been freshly made yesterday, and there are towels and all, so ...”

Matthew chuckles. “You’re going to get married tomorrow and you blush like a virgin.”

“I’m so not going to tell you there’s an unopened bottle of lube in the bathroom cupboard.

That’ll teach you to make fun of me.” Steve winks. “You have a good night, boys and thank you again

for being there for Dan, and for me, all those months.”

Sleep comes easily. Waking up is a joy, knowing his beloved boy will be waiting for him in a

few hours. He takes a quick shower, makes tea and coffee, makes some toast and remembers there’s

no way he’s able to get the tray into the room, where Matthew and Gael are still sleeping, without

making a terrible mess.

“Well, if breakfast can’t come to the boys, the boys will have to come to the coffee and toast.”

And he knocks softly on the door and peeks around the corner.

Gael is clearly awake, holding a still sleeping Matthew, who’s resting his head against the

naked chest of his lover. The look in Matthew’s eyes when he wakes up says more than all the words

he could possibly say in any of the languages he speaks with reasonable fluency.

“It’s time,” Steve says, as gently as possible, as if he’s afraid to damage something so fragile it

doesn’t even need to be touched to break into countless fragments.

He leaves them their privacy to start the day in the way and manner they prefer or need, and

sits down for a bit with a cup of coffee and a piece of buttered toast. In less than four hours, he will

stand next to Daniël and they will make their formal promise to each other, witnessed by the people

who care about them. Perhaps he should be nervous and full of last minute doubts, but he isn’t. He

knows where he belongs and that’s all he needs to know.

“Looking forward to seeing your fella?” Gael asks. He has already showered and dressed. “I’ll

have a cup of coffee and some toast and I’m on my way. Need to change into my best suit and all.”

Less than ten minutes later, he’s on his way.

“Traffic can be a bother at this hour, Dan told me, but he’ll make it on time for the ceremony.

I’m not going to ask if you’re nervous, because I know you’re not.” Matthew munches on a piece of

toast with Marmite. “I had no idea the Dutch eat this stuff, too. Dan hates it. Never mind. Ready for

your shave, the suit and everything else?’

Steve gratefully offers himself into the tender care of his no-longer-and-yet-still captain.

Yeah, he’s ready.

Chapter 33

Give up requesting me to go away from you, or to go back without you: for where you go I will

go; and where you take your rest I will take my rest; your people will be my people and your God my

God. Whenever death comes to you, death will come to me, and there will be my last resting-place.

The registrar talks about how they have lived through the full meaning of those words so often

used in so many ceremonies of commitment, how their experiences had made it possible for them to

make their promise to each other on this day. How their love had changed from an overwhelming

emotion to a rule to live by. And how that love had reached beyond the closed intimacy of their own

existence.

“Hey gorgeous,” Daniël had greeted him half an hour before the ceremony. “You look … I

mean … And here I am, thinking I couldn’t be more in love with you than I already was.”

Arm in arm they had walked over the red carpet of the wedding room in the old town hall,

through rows of friends and family; slowly, but Steve without his crutches. Daniël being so

breathtakingly beautiful, so radiant in his joy, that it took Steve a few moments to notice how

strikingly handsome he looked in his suit. It took him even longer to become fully aware of his

surroundings, with the classic dark blue and gold wallpaper and the wainscoting, the bouquet of red

and white roses on the table, the chairs with blue velour seat and back, the dark purple robe of the

registrar, the registrar herself, a woman with short grey hair and a kind face, and most important of all

the faces of friends and family.

The registrar talks about how they had gone from a hidden life in utter silence to one that can

be supported and carried by the people around them, because they are known to those who matter to

them. How their love had a chance to mature and how they had an opportunity to become familiar with

the everyday practice of a committed bond, with all its highs and lows.

He had seen how Matthew greeted Gael, masks fully in place again, but his lips forming

soundless words. “One day, love ...”

“Steve and Daniël, we have now come to the official part. May I invite you both to stand up

and take each other’s right hand?”

Daniël helps him up from his chair and support him until he finds his balance.

There’s a short bout of laughter when they have a bit of trouble deciding exactly which hand is

their right one.

The registrar smiles brightly and gives a short nod. “Gentlemen?”

His right hand safe and warm in Daniël’s.

“Daniël Borghart, verklaart u aan te nemen tot uw wettige echtgenoot, Steve Aidan Gavan, en

belooft u getrouw alle plichten te vervullen die de wet aan de huwelijkse staat verbindt? Wat is daarop

uw antwoord? "

No a wavering in his voice. Clear as anything. “Ja.”

“Steve Aidan Gavan, verklaart u aan te nemen tot uw wettige echtgenoot, Daniël Borghart, en

belooft u getrouw alle plichten te vervullen die de wet aan de huwelijkse staat verbindt? Wat is daarop

uw antwoord? I repeat in English, Steve Aidan Gavan, do you declare to accept as your lawful wedded

spouse, Daniël Borghart, and do you promise to faithfully fulfill all duties that the marriage law asks

of you? What is your answer?”

The whole universe lives in the eyes of his beloved. He didn’t leave it behind when he returned

from death to life. It had been there all along.

“I do. I mean, ja.”

“Dan verklaar ik als ambtenaar van de Burgerlijke Stand van de gemeente Schiedam dat u door

het huwelijk aan elkaar bent verbonden. As registrar of the municipality of Schiedam I declare you

joined by marriage.”

On the registrar’s cue, both Daniël’s father and Matthew hand them each a ring. On the inside,

each other’s name and the date of the wedding have been engraved. On the outside of the otherwise

unadorned golden ring, reads the inscription: my lover, my friend.

“May I invite the young couple and Daniël’s father and Mr Kirkby to sign the register to bring

the official part of this morning to a conclusion?” The registrar gestures at the table with a leather

bound book and two pens.

No, the hours of hard work are not forgotten when Steve signs the single most important

document of his life. There’s too much joy for that.

The face of the registrar reflects their happiness. “It is both my pleasure and honour to

congratulate you on your marriage. It’s a good custom for a couple to share their first kiss as a

married couple at this very moment.”

He feels Daniël’s arms around him, his lips pressing against his own, tongue teasing for a short

moment. Then there is laughter and catcalls and a teary mum and just about every female between

sixteen and eighty going on about how romantic it is and how cute the grooms look.

“Welcome into the family,” Daniël’s father says and he embraces Steve. There’s genuine

acceptance in his and his wife’s eyes.“One look at my son’s face was all I needed to know you two

made the best possible decision. Take good care of each other.”

“I will do anything to make him happy because he makes me so happy,” Steve promises.

“That’s easy,” Daniël cuts in, “He’s here, with me, that’s enough for me. Everything else is a

nice extra.”

*

The trip back to Kinbridge gives Steve an opportunity to rest for a while. It’s still several hours

before dinner and the wedding party. Ample time to give their guests the chance to get there by

specially chartered plane and have an opportunity to freshen up and change into evening dress in the

hotel rooms reserved for them. The idea to provide photos and a video of the day and distribute them

freely seems to have worked quite well. Of course, there had been around a dozen of photographers

when they left the town hall, and he did see several mobile phones with a camera function being held

up by curious ‘wedding watchers’ but he guesses that’s an unavoidable sign of the times.

“Nice, isn’t it, having a moment alone, with just the two of us? What a luxury, this private jet.

I could actually get used to it,” Daniël says with a chuckle. “Just kidding.”

Steve rests his head against his husband’s shoulder. He actually likes that word: husband. It has

a solid, old-fashioned sound to it. It’s mature and stable. Perhaps he might not be suitable boyfriend

material, but being a husband works pretty well for him. “Don’t laugh, but I have this feeling I did

something very right today.”

But Daniël does laugh. “Because that’s what you did. The best thing you could ever do, in fact.

You have any idea how proud I am to be married to you? If nothing good is going to happen to me

ever again, I’ll still maintain I’m the luckiest man in this world.”

“But many good things will happen to you.” Steve kisses him.

“I know, love, I know.” Daniël grins like a naughty little boy.

Steve chuckles in understanding. “You’re thinking about the wedding night ...”

“And you’re not?” Dan teases, turning his head to steal another kiss.

*

The rest of the day flows by like the proverbial dream. The food is near enough to perfection,

the staff of the family-owned hotel they reserved for their reception and party couldn’t be more

helpful or friendly. The speeches are suitably embarrassing and actually almost funny. The cake is

even decorated with two little grooms. “That’s Dan and Steve,” sixteen year old Naomi giggles.

“Look, they even have different hair and the Dan doll is a little bit taller than the Steve doll. That’s so

cute.” And Daniël winks at his little sister.

With Daniël’s arms firmly around him for support Steve shuffles happily to the slowest love

song the DJ could find in her collection for the first dance of the night. Then the sign is given that the

floor is free for everyone to have fun. The music invites the guests to dance and so they all dance,

even the ones who think they really shouldn’t. But what do aesthetics and knowing the right moves

matter when love and pleasure are sometimes really all you need? So when Francesco and Dag give a

grinding demonstration of epic proportion, it’s their girlfriends who shout the loudest

encouragements. And who would hold it against Daniël’s aunts when they are more than happy to give

a crash course in ballroom dancing for the lovely young colleagues of their nephew? Spotty teenagers

get dragged right to the middle of the dance floor. Neither do individuals above a certain age get

spared. Today, all dance. Today, no one’s too young, too old, too fat or too ugly.

And of course, Steve can’t let the evening pass without a dance with his brand-new sister in

law. That is to say, he’s practically standing still and Naomi twirls around him on what she calls “the

best song ever.” He doesn’t recognise it.

“My brother has a good taste in men,” Naomi grins mischievously.

“Can’t be as good as mine. But, and don’t tell anyone I told you, see that handsome guy

standing next to our first goalie? He’s seventeen, he plays for our youth team and I heard from a

reliable source he thinks you’re cute.”

“Really? You’re not making fun of me?”

“You can ask around, and they will all tell you I’m the boring one. I never play pranks on

anyone. I wouldn’t know how. By the way, he’s a good dancer too ...”

And off she goes, making a beeline for the cute boy.

“She adores you, you know that?” Daniël tactfully supports him towards his chair.

It makes Steve blush. “I’ve been that age, too.”

A large part of the evening is spent talking with their guests. Thanking them for being there,

for their gifts, hearing advice from the married and might– just-as-well– be-married guys, only to be

told exactly the opposite from their wives and girlfriends.

“I’ve never seen my son this happy. I wish you had been with him when he fetched us from the

airport, last year. It was all so needless. But what can I say? Life so often plays funny tricks on us all.”

For a moment, Daniël’s mother lays her hand on Steve’s arm. “You do realise you are family now? I

know of course I’m not your mother, and you don’t need one at your age, but...you understand what I

mean?”

“It takes a bit of time, but I’m getting there.”

“Good. You have to excuse me, sweetheart, I promised a chat with Nat, Bronia and the others,

over there at the girl’s table. And Emma and Jane are such lovely ladies; I really should invite them

for a trip to Rotterdam.”

Steve sits alone for a brief moment, simply enjoying looking at the dancers.

“This chair is free?”

“For the gaffer? Always.”

“You can have him all to yourself for a week. After that, I want him back in one piece, training

for the next match.” That’s Arnaud Degaré: always on the job.

“You’re definitely thinking about keeping him?”

“I have to consider the competition and the matches we have to win, the composition of rest of

the team of course. I brought this club into the top half of the table, but I’m not fully happy yet

because I know there is more in it for us. It would be illogical to let him go at this moment. Him and

Neil, that defenders partnership could get interesting in the not too far future, when Niko is saying his

goodbyes to us and Anthony might need to be rested now and again.”

“Because he’s good? Not out of pity?” He just has to ask it.

Degaré frowns. “When do I ever have pity for anyone as a manager?”

“That’s true. I assume I will be formally released from the club at the next window?”

An affirmative nod.

“Very decent; the club kept me on the payroll all those months. They must have known pretty

early on I wouldn’t come back. But I had this feeling, before...before … that you would have put me in

the window anyway.”

Another nod.

They sit in silence for a few seconds. Then Steve looks up and smiles. “Joining us, Danny?”

Daniël sits down between the two other men. “Wanted to look see if mum and dad are all right,

but mum’s too busy with the girls and dad is pretending he can actually understand anything the

groundsmen are talking about. Hey gaffer, thanks for sharing our day with us. I really appreciate it.”

“Why so formal? I just told your husband I want you fit for training in one week.” Degaré gets

up. “Madame Degaré is going to do something unspeakable to me if she doesn’t get at least one more

dance.”

Daniël takes the opportunity to get a bit closer to Steve. “You’re still fine, love?”

“You have to ask me that?”

“Not really. I’m just trying to find an excuse to kidnap you to our home.”

“Great wedding, guys. Don’t think there’s anyone not amusing themselves.” Gael crashes on to

the nearest chair. “Excellent food, enough to drink, great DJ and a nice mixture of likeable people.

And above all, a couple who are genuinely doing this out of love and nothing else.”

“This the guys’ table?” Gabrysz asks and pulls up a chair.

“Must be,” Matthew says, while he too sits down, “since we are here.”

“Is it okay if ...?” But Kevin already sits.

“Ray, we’re here. No, here, you blind or something?” Kurt shouts through the room. “Etienne,

here. And tell Alexandre he should stop flirting with that cute little waitress.”

“Mind if I?” Dag sits down. “Anyone seen ‘Cesco? Hey, pretty boy, come sit with me.”

“Did I miss anything?” Niko asks. “Neil, take a chair, if you can find one and squish in.”

“Wait for me.” Anthony grins. “Now, who starts with the first dirty joke?”

And there’re jokes and funny stories and yet another try at explaining why something is

hilarious in French but not in English, and the other way around.

Steve, getting perhaps a tiny bit tired, leans happily into his husband. Daniël has his arm

around him and nuzzles his hair. “Smells really nice. You, I mean, but the cologne you’re using is

pretty much okay, too.”

“Get a room, fellas.”

“Need us to tell you about the birds...make that the bees and the bees?”

“I bet Dan’s too embarrassed to get up from behind the table.”

“The poor lad just got married, what do you expect?”

“See that, Anthony? Steve’s face is even redder than yours when you’re screaming at us during

a match.”

“You guys think it’s about time we send them on their way?”

“What do you think, Mr Gavan-Borghart, should we follow their advice?”

Steve nods and smiles. “Take me home, please.”

Chapter 34

Two steps inside their new home and they start kissing. With a hunger that’s as real as the love

and friendship that bind them.

“Getting married gets me horny as hell,” Steve hears Daniël whisper in his ear, his tongue

teasing a trail. “That, and not having had any for two whole days.”

“You mean ...?”

“Not even under the shower. I saved it all for you. Feel like I could do it five times in one night

and still having left enough for a quickie in the morning.” Daniël rubs his obvious erection against

Steve’s belly to accentuate his words.

Steve has to admit, there’s definitely something stirring down there, too...and where’s the

nearest comfortable surface so he doesn’t have to worry about how long he’ll manage to keep standing

up with a semblance of dignity?

“What about we take this to the bedroom? See if that bed is as comfortable as the salesperson

promised.” Another kiss. Then, his hand in Daniël’s, they walk slowly, carefully up the stairs. There is

pain with every step, and yet so much joy is to be found in this simple act, that had been unimaginable

hardly more than a year ago and physically still impossible at the beginning of autumn. Them walking

up the stairs to the bedroom in their own home. Them wearing each other’s rings. Them being

together. The iron bed is the undisputed centrepiece of the room. It’s huge, with a handmade mattress,

nice warm duvet and more than enough pillows. Egyptian cotton sheets (high thread count, of course).

Soft wall-to-wall carpet on the floor.

On the table close to the window, there’s a cooler with a bottle of champagne, two glasses, a

huge box of expensive Belgian chocolates and a basket.

Daniël takes a look and starts to grin. “Fuckers.”

“At least they have excellent taste,” Steve chuckles.

The basket contains massage oils in at least half a dozen different fragrances and probably

every brand of lube available in every single sex shop in and around Kinbridge, all neatly displayed.

And finally there are two red roses in a narrow, high vase with a small card standing against

the crystal.

We don’t want to see the two of you back until it’s all used up, the boys.

“They’re not just fuckers, they’re sentimental fuckers.”

Steve winks. “I guess we shouldn’t complain; they could have barricaded the front door. Or

dismantled the bed and hidden the pieces all over the place. Or ...” His words are stopped by a coffee

flavoured piece of bitter chocolate, directly followed by Daniël’s mouth.

“Let me taste?”

Steve opens his lips readily to receive his husband’s eagerly exploring tongue. With both hands

on Steve’s backside, Daniël presses their body together, panting in excitement. “Tell me you want me

to undress you. I really need to get you out of those clothes. Please, Steve?”

“You have to ask me that? Shall we try out the bed?”

“You’re getting tired. It’s been a long day and I’ve kept you on your feet for far too long. Now

that’s what I call a fine way to take care of my husband on our wedding night.” Daniël helps Steve

quickly to the bed, guilt written all over his face.

“It’s not bad to get a bit tired on such a perfect day, certainly not when I get to be naked in the

arms of the most sexy, generous, caring man who ever lived. And who will be, of course, also totally

without clothes.” Steve kisses Daniël’s cheek to reassure him.

“I should have paid better attention.”

Steve takes the boy’s face between his hands and looks at him intently. “We got married today.

We have a whole life ahead of us, if we’re lucky perhaps even half a century. We will both make more

mistakes than we dare to imagine at this moment. But right now you did nothing wrong. I want you

excited and wanting me so much you’re forgetting everything else. So, are you getting us naked any

time soon?”

“Anything my husband desires.”

Even with Daniël taking time and care to undress first Steve and then himself it’s just a few

minutes before they sigh in deep contentment.

“If simply holding you in my arms feels this good, I’m not sure if I’ll survive making love to

you,” Daniël whispers in Steve’s ear. “You make me so hard for you.”

Carefully Steve wraps his fingers around Dan’s shaft. “Want me to use a bit of lube? We’ve

also got plenty of oil.”

Quick as anything, Daniël gets up from the bed, grabs the basket, and holds it in front of Steve.

“Strawberry-flavoured lube?” Steve suggests.

“Just as long as you don’t have to actually taste the vile stuff, it’s pretty good.” Daniël puts the

basket beside the bed, opens the small bottle, squirts a bit of its contents on the palm of Steve’s hand.

A few strokes, a long kiss, a deep sigh and it’s done.

“Fuck, didn’t even realise I was that worked up.”

Steve licks the drops from his hand, swipes the rest from Daniël’s belly, and licks that too.

“Never let a good thing go to waste. But you’re right about one thing: strawberry-flavoured lube

should come with a warning: not to be used in combination with oral sex.”

“What about I open the champagne? You relax a bit and I get to admire how hot you look. Or

we can try out that turbo super shower. Perhaps you want to taste the champagne while in the

meantime, I fill the bath.” Daniël’s voice trembles. He abruptly sits straight up, one eye on the

champagne bottle.

But Steve stops him. “Danny?”

“Yes?” His eyes don’t meet Steve’s.

“It’s okay to be nervous, dear boy. I’ve been ready for you for quite a while, and I know you’re

ready for me. I want to feel you inside me. So, yes, I would like to have a glass of champagne and a bit

of a rest, then we take a shower and after that you’re going to make love to me and it’s going to be

wonderful.”

Daniël blushes. “Am I that obvious?”

Steve takes one of the boy’s hands into his own and presses a kiss against the palm. “There’s a

reason I married you. A reason for the inscription on our rings.”

So they sit side by side on their bed, pillows propped up behind them, agreeing the champagne

has been bought by someone who actually went for taste and not necessarily for the most expensive.

“Gael,” they both say at the same time, and start to laugh.

“Bet he had a sample bottle with Matthew, just to be very sure it’s the right one.” Daniël turns

his head sideways and kisses Steve on the lips. “By the time we get under that shower I’m hard again.

Never going to make it to... I’m doing it again, don’t I?”

“You’re not seriously worried you won’t have an erection by the time you are finished

preparing me, are you? You might be able to get fucked by using a bit of spit and spreading your legs,

I’m definitely not. Don’t look so concerned, you know how much I enjoyed having two of your fingers

in me when we had sex during the last couple of weeks. You think I won’t welcome your cock with at

least as much joy? But, I do need a bit more, perhaps even a lot more time and preparation than you.

Put your glass down, please.” He takes Daniël’s hand once more, but this time leads it between his

legs, past his filling cock, until the fingers brush the tender skin between the cheeks.

“I want you.” Daniël’s fingers tremble a bit, but his voice doesn’t.

“I can’t help but wish opening my legs for you and a dollop of lube and your fingers will be

enough. But my body has become a stranger I’m still trying to get to know, my mind a friend I hardly

recognise on most days. During some moments, I can almost fool myself into believing everything is

like before. But it never is.”

“You see a clock anywhere in this room? Yes, I’m nervous, but even that doesn’t matter all

that much. Feel like giving that super deluxe shower a try?”

In the circle of Daniël’s arms and under a gentle summer rain, of the kind that almost never

happens in reality, Steve feels all tension slip from his body.

“You made a good home for us. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Daniël kisses Steve’s forehead. “It’s been a good day. Good months, too. I

loved being active on the pitch more than I was ready to admit when I thought my career was over.”

“It means so much to me seeing you playing regularly again, even if it was as a substitute for

the last thirty minutes during about half of the matches. You’re going to sign a new contract if they

offer you one?”

“As long as you’re happy in this house, in this city, yeah, I guess I will consider it.”

“Good.”

“Want to go back to bed? I’m sort of, well, getting horny again.” Daniël holds Steve even

closer, sliding his hand over his buttocks.

“I kind of guessed it,” Steve teases. “Love your hands there.”

Daniël grins. “Yes?”

“Oh yes.”

Daniël towels Steve dry and helps him on the chair. “Fuck, can’t even take a shower with you

without getting a rampant hard-on.”

“And that’s a problem how?”

“It’s not. But I want to concentrate on you for the next hour or so. Give a nice massage, no

hurry at all, slowly opening up that sweet arse of yours.”

“Spoil me a little and let me taste you?” Steve licks his lips. “I want your cock like mad. First

in my hand, now in my mouth and after that you’re going to fuck me so deep and good, I’ll know I’m

truly claimed by you.”

“Bed. Now.”

Kneeling on a pillow between Daniël’s widespread legs, Steve closes his eyes to fully

concentrate on the clean slightly musky scent of his very much aroused lover. He licks the first drops

of pre-come, using one hand to retract the foreskin. Then he uses the very tip of his tongue to tease the

tiny slit. Daniël moans.

When there’s enough spit and pre-come, Steve uses his thumb to touch the same area, gently,

very gently, while he uses his tongue to lap the scrotum.

Daniël moans even louder.

Finally, because he knows his lover can’t take much more, he takes the head in his mouth and

slides down in a slow, but steady pace.

“Please, give me your fingers.” Daniël fumbles with the lube, while Steve stretches out his

hand. “Try three?”

The short stabbing motion of three fingers in combination with a real hard suck proves to be

too much and Daniël erupts so hard and fast Steve has trouble swallowing everything.

He takes the boy, always his boy, in his arms to let him rest for a bit. He thinks Daniël even

sleeps for a few minutes.

“I love you so much,” he whispers.

Daniël opens his eyes at the sound of Steve’s voice and kisses him lazily. “I heard that. Love

you too. And not just because you give the perfect blowjob and finger fucking combination.” He lets

his hand travel over Steve’s body. “I want to give that brave, gorgeous body of yours a lot of loving

attention. Shall I use vanilla oil? It’s a good one, very subtle scent. But, again, don’t lick it off.”

First, Steve lies on his back and enjoys the experienced hands of his lover. Daniël knows when

he has to be as gentle as possible, or when to use a bit more pressure. He doesn’t deny the reality of

the scars, but simply integrates it into the loving treatment of his husband. He finishes with a short

flick of Steve’s nipples, a teasing up and down stroke of the now fully-formed erection. “Other side?”

Steve turns on his belly. And again, his muscles get treated like royalty.

“You’re getting nice and relaxed; I can feel it. Can see it too.” Steve feels his legs being

carefully nudged wider. A pillow is being shoved under his belly. A slick finger trails between the

cheeks, rests at the opening, and goes in.

He had felt it dozens of times during the last months and it still makes him forget to breathe

for a split second. How can anything this simple feel this good?

Faster than any time before he’s prepared to accept two fingers inside.

“You feel ready for me.” The admiration in Daniël’s voice can only be called endearing.

“That’s because I am.” Steve tries to push back on the fingers. “I need you, Danny, please

don’t let me wait.”

“I’ll make it nice and slick.” Daniël works as much lube inside as possible. “I’m still nervous

I’ll hurt you,” he admits.

“Don’t be. I promise I will tell you as soon as anything happens I don’t like for whatever

reason. I’m not going to insult the man I gave my marriage vow to only hours ago by holding

something this important back from him.”

“Thank you.” Daniël kisses his neck. “I want to be able to look at your face, look into your

eyes. Is that too uncomfortable for you? Physically, I mean.”

Steve shakes his head. “I don’t think I can keep my legs up and wide for very long without

support, but with a pillow or two under my lower back and perhaps resting my legs on your arms, I

should be fine.”

“I make sure I’m fully done preparing, myself included, so you don’t have to wait too long. Oh

God, I want you so much.”

It suddenly dawns upon Steve how easily they talk about his needs, how they integrate the

painful reminders of a history that will likely never be fully part of the past, into the reality of here

and now and hopefully their future.

So he turns on his back again and together with Daniël he works out the most comfortable

position. He isn’t surprised in the least that Dan has a full erection for the third time in less than two

hours. A shy smile plays around his mouth, his eyes filled with light.

“The last time ...” Steve understands Daniël needs to say it.

“I know.”

This time there’s no pain at all, not even the slightest discomfort when his husband enters him.

He is truly ready, body and mind. They both are.

“You feel good inside me.” Steve pauses. “Thank you for fighting death for me …”

For staying at my side during the hours I was lost and couldn’t reach you. For finding that one