Текст книги "Ravages"

Автор книги: R.A. Padmos

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Текущая страница: 10 (всего у книги 18 страниц)

motion again. Then Steve takes his crutches, walks to the bathroom and washes his face. On Daniël’s

suggestion, they both change into their best clothes. Having both lost a lot of weight, they look like

children playing in their dad’s suit.

“If I may invite you to join me at the table?” His lover offers him his arm and accompanies

him to the living room.

Steve has no trouble being speechless: the distance between the fluency of words in his head

and the slowness of his tongue is more than adequate for that, but in this case, he would be speechless

no matter his eloquence.

There’s the perfectly set table, with damask, crystal, china and silver. There are candles and

music. There’s even champagne in the cooler.

“You like it? It’s not too much, not too sickly romantic or anything?”

Before Daniël is able to continue on the path of ever growing insecurity, Steve kisses him right

on the mouth. “It’s beautiful. Thank you.”

He feels genuinely spoiled by the detailed care that’s been put into this meal. He knows Daniël

didn’t have the opportunity to shop for all this, but it’s his idea and he managed to get it across to the

others, who did more than their best to make sure the initial idea and the final result were a perfect

match.

“Gael helped me a lot with this. He even prepared some of the dishes, so I only had to put them

in the oven,” Daniël explains with unconcerned honesty. “It was fun talking about your favourite foods

and champagne and how we could make you feel extra special. He wrote down for me exactly how

much time everything would take, so it would all be just right.”

Steve knows the best compliment to this wonderful display of love and friendship is enjoying

the meal. And he does. Slowly and with all the attention it so highly deserves.

Savoury and salty and sweet and smooth and crispy and hot and cold and creamy and...It’s all

there and often as a surprise. He had almost forgotten food could be like this. Not just prime

ingredients, but also love and care and, an often forgotten ingredient, time. Seafood can be fresh,

chicken doesn’t have to be dull, potatoes do come in various qualities and vegetables are not just

cultivated as a weapon for mothers to pester their children.

“This is so good. I can’t imagine the amount of work put into this.”

By the time they’re enjoying their gourmet coffee with a small drop of brandy, Daniël beams

like he just won everything there is to win in the football world. He quickly clears the table, but leaves

the candles and the champagne.

Steve will never know, and neither does he care, if it’s the candles or the champagne and that

drop of brandy, or simply the way Daniël looks at him, all beautiful and smiling and so, so much in

love, but he simply can’t stop the words flowing from his mouth.

“I don’t know if I’m truly ready for this and I’m not even sure how we can make this work,

technically speaking, but please can I try and ...”

“You’re saying what I think you’re saying? Yes, please?” Daniël gets up from his chair and

kneels down in front of Steve. He rests his head against his lover’s thighs, letting out a happy sigh

when Steve starts to stroke his hair.

“As much as I want to do it with you on your back or you on all fours and me kneeling behind

you, it’s impossible at this moment. My knees...and besides that, I can’t support my weight, or what’s

left of it, with my arms. I wish I knew why, but even thinking about lying flat on my back with anyone

on top of me makes me blind with panic.”

Daniël looks up. “I think I understand why.”

“But it’s you. This is so painful for both of us and I feel so embarrassed by it.”

“You were robbed of even a last chance to defend yourself, to protect yourself. You must have

fought so hard before you could fight no more.”

Steve feels himself drown in an ocean of sadness. “You gave me this perfect dinner and I want

to make love to you, and now I’m fighting monsters again.”

“When you were still so bad and all I could do was sit and watch, some of the nurses took a

few minutes to talk with me while they washed you and made sure your lungs were clear of mucus.

Every single one of them told me how important time is. They said it’s more important than talks and

therapy and anything. It was only yesterday you were released from hospital, after having spent

months in that room. After having seen death.”

“This will be part of the rest of our lives.” It hurts even saying the words.

“I know, and I’m at peace with that if that’s the price I have to pay for still having you in my

life.” He tries, oh how the boy tries. Courageous, stubborn soul. Daniël gets on his feet to be able to

kiss Steve. “Absolutely nothing life throws at me can be even remotely as bad as losing you. All the

rest, I’ll deal with.” He almost sits on Steve’s lap, making sure as little as possible of his weight rests

on his lover.

“This could work,” Steve says, all too aware what he’s doing.“This could actually work.”

The sadness will return but for now, he deliberately turns his back to it.

“What ...” then Daniël understands. “You clever man. You sexy clever man.” He gets up again.

“I’m going to get some stuff.”

Halfway he stops as if changing his mind. “I want you to be comfortable and feeling in control.

If it would help, I’d happily let you tie me to the bed but that’s not what you need at the moment, is

it?”

It’s not really a question but still, Steve shakes his head. “I wouldn’t know what to do.”

“Okay, pillows, lube, something else?” Daniël takes the few steps to Steve to kiss him once

again. “You know, this planning to get laid is actually growing on me. Doing things knowing it’s all to

get that big, fat cock up my arse.”

His lover’s words find their way straight through Steve’s body.

“Gets you hot too, I bet,” Daniël whispers in his ear while he cops a feel of Steve’s beginningto-

form bulge. “Is all of this for me?”

“Go get the pillows and the lube, please Danny,” Steve urges him.

“My man is getting seriously horny.” Daniël gives him one long, deep kiss before he, for the

second time, goes off to get the stuff they need.

Anticipation makes his fingers itch in need, but he wills himself to wait until his lover has

returned, which is pretty soon, much to Steve’s relief. He gets himself on his feet, making sure he’s

standing as stably as possible.

“You have to help me get undressed.” He accepts he has to ask Daniël this because while he

might have found adequate strength in his legs again to be able to stand for several minutes, his sense

of balance is still shaky at best. Besides that, getting buttons through a small buttonhole, especially

with excitement shaking his hands, will take half an hour. And that’s not a manner of speaking.

“Eager much?” Daniël teases him while he makes short work of buttons and buckle.

Steve nods. “Nervous too.”

“You’re okay?” Daniël takes him in his arms. “Does it bother you that I feel the need to protect

you?”

“I’m fine. And no, it doesn’t bother me. I guess I feel the same about you. Does it bother you?”

Steve caresses Dan’s long, strong back.

“Why would it? You’re my man; of course you want to protect me. Not everything has

changed.” Daniël kisses Steve’s lips. “I approve of where your hand is going.”

Steve grins. “I approve of your approval.” And he takes a buttock full in his hand.

“You can stand a few moments longer?”

Steve nods. With one hand leaning on the table, he’s fine. It feels wonderful to stand there,

palming his pretty much fully-formed erection, watching Daniël put one pillow on the seat of the chair

and one against the back rest.

And it makes Daniël even more interested, because one of his hands joins Steve’s for a

moment before he manoeuvres Steve on the chair. “You’re sitting a bit higher now, and a bit more to

the front, to make it easier for both of us when I ride you.”

The words make Steve’s cock twitch in anticipation. “Hand me the lube, please? I want to

prepare you.”

It takes a bit of trial and error, but they laugh through it all and in the end Daniël is very much

relaxed, sufficiently opened up and ready for action.

Steve feels how his nerves calm down, how his heart loses the hasty beat and how his breathing

becomes easy and free. There is not a trace of fear in his mind or body when Daniël straddles him and,

with steady slowness, lowers himself until Steve’s cock is fully seated inside him.

Warm ...

“God, Steve,” Daniël’s voice breaks in fragile syllables.

“You... oh... Steve... you... Steve... Steve... Steve... Steve... Steve... Steve...”

He frames the face of the trembling boy between his hands, covers it with butterfly kisses.

“You.

Are.

Inside.

Me.”

It sounds to Steve as if every single word needs to be said as precisely as possible, because

they have to carry such heavy load of significance beyond the simple fact.

You didn’t die.

I didn’t lose you.

You didn’t die.

I didn’t lose you.

“My Danny.”

Because, what else is there for him to say? What words are there when there are no words?

Slowly, Daniël rocks himself to completion, helped by Steve’s fingers stroking his cock.

Every second of every minute, Steve focuses his gaze on his beloved’s face.

To know and to remember.

His own orgasm is hardly more than a shiver, a sigh. It’s enough for Daniël to close his eyes

and rest his head against Steve’s. Warm fluid fills the palm of Steve’s hand.

Daniël takes the hand into his own and brings it to Steve’s mouth.

Steve licks the palm of his own hand clean, tasting his lover’s essence.

“God ...” he whispers.

Chapter 20

He can’t remember how he landed in bed and doubts Daniël remembers much more. But when

he wakes up in the morning, Dan’s not with him in bed. It doesn’t alarm him. He would know if

Daniël weren’t close by. He doesn’t even need to hear or see him for this.

And soon enough, the bedroom door is pushed open and Dan enters, balancing a tray with

coffee, freshly baked rolls, boiled eggs, strawberry jam and some already peeled oranges. And, of

course, the unavoidable protein-spiked shake. He sets the tray on the chair so he can then help Steve

sit upright.

A quick kiss. “Ready for some breakfast?”

Steve nods, too busy smiling to be able to say much.

“We make this a nice, quiet Sunday. Lazing around a bit ...”

“Having sex a bit,” Steve teases before he takes a bite of the roll with butter and jam.

“Oh yes.” Impressive how Daniël doesn’t spill a drop of his coffee while he turns his face

sideways to give Steve another long kiss on the lips. “Breakfast first, because you need some meat on

that skinny frame of yours. Doctor’s orders, remember.”

Steve doesn’t feel offended by Daniël’s remark. No need to hide behind pointless vanity. Just

like Daniël doesn’t hasten to say how sexually attractive his lover still is to him. Something that

obvious doesn’t ask for superfluous reassurance. And it’s not a blind love either, because Daniël has

seen the worst and he never once looked away.

They both eat one half of an orange.

“You’ll help me shave, later?”

“Okay.”

The conversation eases on, as gentle and natural as anything that could happen between them.

“We’re doing it the other way around, it seems,” Steve says. “Being married, I mean, and

having a wedding.”

“I guess we are, “Daniël chuckles. “Look at us. Old married couple. Now all we need to do is

adopt a puppy.”

Steve smiles at himself, at his unspectacular happiness. He finishes his roll, drinks the last of

his coffee, and eats the half of another orange he shares with Daniël. They kiss and touch each other

just to kiss and touch. The need is always there, sometimes demanding, often as gentle as the look he

sees in Daniël’s eyes, but never fully absent. Anyone who claims the love of body is inferior to the

love of mind has no idea what they’re talking about. This body, this healing but never fully healed

remains of the home he once inhabited with such ease, is what keeps him with his beloved. And Daniël

knows that too. Whatever they may wish for in their secret of secrets, it’s this and nothing else.

So Steve eats everything Daniël wants him to eat with pleasure, including the shake.

In the bathroom, he sits on the stool while Daniël shaves him. It’s as pleasant and important as

touching each other while eating breakfast in bed; as important as all other things. And while Steve

knows there will be undeniable hierarchy between things later on, for now there’s nothing small and

relatively insignificant.

They talk about the wedding, sitting on the couch, not yet fully into the business of how

exactly they want it and when, but more concrete and factual than ever before. No fancy fuss, no

exalted drama, and certainly no self-written texts to say out loud to each other in front of their

gathered friends and family. Them standing there, in front of a registrar, who is making a short

speech, is exactly the declaration they want to make.

And because talking about the wedding makes them itchy in a very pleasant way all over, but

mostly in certain areas, they once again return to the bedroom. They lie side by side, kissing and

touching; not in a hurry, but it’s still as much sex as anything they’ve ever done. Brushing cock

against cock, their hands kneading buttocks in appreciation. Then, almost at the same time, they wrap

their fingers around each other’s pricks.

“I totally love your hand on my cock,” Daniël breathes against Steve’s mouth. “Reminds me of

all the times we were so hot for each other we didn’t even make it past the hallway.”

It’s not as simple as it looks, concentrating at two equally pleasurable but still very different

sensations, but Steve thinks that might exactly why it’s such fun. His cock is being touched, like he’s

jerking himself off, but it’s not by his own hand. His hand is finding the perfect rhythm around a shaft

that’s not his own.

“Love you,” Daniël gasps while his body shudders closely against Steve’s.

They lick their fingers clean, not caring which hand belongs to whom.

“I want to be able to be fucked by you on our wedding night,” Steve says before he can stop

himself. But he will forever be grateful for Daniël not saying, even if it would have been totally honest

had he said it, that it’s not that important, that love is wonderful between them no matter what form it

takes.

“After your first time, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. It

was all you and what you had given me. Until the gaffer called, I was hoping you had liked it enough

to let me do it again. After that call, being able to touch you at all took up all of my ambitions.”

Daniël kisses Steve with a tenderness bordering on aggression. “You could say certain thoughts are

firmly back in my head now.”

“I like them being there, in your head. I want to be strong enough to be able to stay on my

knees for longer than three minutes without pain. I want to be strong enough to fuck you with you

facing me and your legs wrapped around me, or you doing me from behind. I want to have you on top

of me, full weight and all, and not panic.”

“And most of it isn’t even about sex.”

“No, I guess it isn’t.” Steve sighs when Daniël wraps him in his arms.

Then they talk further, because even if kisses are the best language, they still want to talk about

everything ahead of them. Having a future, being able to express what they would like and want is still

so shiny and new, and how could they not want to put that into words? Even the hard and scary things

are not to be avoided, because it means they are giving themselves at least a chance to do the things

that frighten them, instead of avoiding the risk.

“I can’t help but want to keep you hidden from the world,” Daniël says, “And I’m afraid it

won’t be the last time I’m telling you this. The world is no longer a safe place and I don’t know how

to make it right again.

“I can’t help but want to hide,” Steve says, “but I’m not going to. Just like I know you have to

be out a lot from tomorrow on. I want to try and be with you as often as I can, but I’m afraid my days

won’t be half as efficient and I’m definitely not as full of energy as you are.”

“We’ll work around it. I took the liberty of talking it over with the manager and he says it’s

fine that when I do the training, you use the physio and the exercise room. And that includes any help

if you need it. That is, if being at the Graces doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable.” Daniël looks

slightly nervous; like he isn’t sure he should have done what he has done.

“That’s very thoughtful of you and the club. This way I can be close by to you while working

my own programme.” Steve nestles even more tightly into Daniël’s arms. “I don’t know how I’m

going to feel when I’m there.”

Daniël nuzzles Steve’s hair. “And I don’t know how I’m going to feel with you being there and

not being there. Beside myself with happiness because all the while I’m training, I can be with you in

two minutes; frustrated because you’re not training with us.”

“I might have been sold off anyway; I already did get less playing minutes the last couple of

matches than during the season before ...” It’s a stupid thing to say because it doesn’t matter what

would have happened, and Daniël is right for closing Steve’s mouth with his own.

“Time for food. Doctor’s orders, remember? Eat a little something every few hours. And I

promised a few people I’d give them a quick call to tell them that everything is fine.” Daniël stretches

his tall, very relaxed body and yawns like an overgrown kitten.

“Simply watching you makes me the happiest man in the world.” Steve knows there was a time

he would have thought it but the words wouldn’t have left his mouth. Not so any more.

Daniël turns on his side again, his head resting on his arm. “Sometimes I look at you and I

have to quickly look away because it feels like my heart could burst and my body ...” He shrugs and

sits upright. “Not even sure what I’m talking about.”

“I think you do,” Steve says quietly.

“I can’t stop touching you. I want to make love to you practically all of the time. I couldn’t

care less if there’s a match on TV or a nice movie. I don’t want to update my online journal. I don’t

even want to phone mum and dad, or have a good giggle with Naomi. Just feeling you, just that, like

we are nothing but skin and mouth and hands and cock and arse. Just that.” Daniël moves his hands as

if trying to get a hold on his own confusion. “Last year I wouldn’t have told you this. I didn’t need to.

Now it’s words and more words …”

“Thank you. It can’t be like before, perhaps never, but thank you for telling me with words

what you would have shown me with your body.” Steve kisses him, consciously pushing the sadness

aside. “I’m sure in a few months we’ll be watching Match of the Day together and after that we’ll go

to bed to sleep. And only to sleep.”

“You mean because we already had sex before dinner?” Daniël grins, gets up from the bed and

starts to fetch his clothes. “I’m starving. What about a steak and whatever else I can find in the

fridge?”

“Nice. And I already know what’s for dessert.”

“I bet you do.” Daniël stretches his hand out. “Come on, we’ll run a wet cloth over our faces,

wash our hands and raid the kitchen.”

Even taking their time, out of necessity and because they’re really not in a hurry, it’s no longer

than half an hour before they sit at the table, enjoying a simple but tasty meal. After they have

finished and the dishes are in the dishwasher, Daniël, as promised, phones his parents and then

Degaré.

Finally he calls Matthew. “It’s been great. You guys are the best. We really needed a bit of

alone time. To be honest, I’m scared to think about the coming weeks and months, too. We’ll manage

somehow, after all we’ve gone through, Steve and I and all of you ...”

After Daniël ends the final call, he turns to Steve and says, “They asked how you’re doing, the

first days home. But it hasn’t even started, has it?” Daniël takes Steve’s hand and holds it for a while

before he gets up to make coffee.

“Even if we both know we have to face the world again, this is still important, us here, being

together, without others. We needed this more than anything and they made it possible.” Steve keeps

talking, while he walks with Daniël to the kitchen, trying to see if he can manage the short distance

with one crutch. It’s feasible, but he’s still a long way from being able to walk through his own home

without needing any support.

“Don’t I know it. They did all the grocery shopping for us and even put it away in the fridge

and cupboards. They somehow managed to keep the press away from us. By the way, we have to talk

about that and make a few decisions.”

Steve leans against the sink, watching Danny make coffee, letting him talk. He knows some

seriously difficult times will be waiting for them but at this very moment he’s happy and fulfilled.

“The press,” Daniël starts once they are comfortable on the couch, “can’t be ignored. What

happened to you, to us, stopped being private right from the moment that man tried to feel you up

because he recognised you. No, it started even before that. I told you the club have hired two people

just to deal with the stream of letters, mails, gossip, anything having to do with us, haven’t I? I’ve

seen a fraction of it. It’s both far better and far worse than we could have imagined when we fell in

love. And it’s not just here in England, it’s in Holland and Ireland, but also in every country with any

kind of football culture. All over the world, there are items in sport shows and news shows and god

knows what shows. Every dog and its owner have an opinion about us. It looked like it died down a bit,

but now you’re out of hospital and we’re planning to get married, it’s starting all over again.”

Steve wishes it could be simply them and a few friends, the club, Dan’s family, but he knows

better. They can try and turn their backs to the world, and still the world is going to watch them.

“If we give in to every request for interviews, we’d be busy every single day for at least a

month, if not more, and that’s just for TV. Not going to happen.” Daniël pauses. “You’re okay?”

Steve nods. “It can’t be avoided forever, can it?”

“Please, say no if you’re not up to it, but I think giving a press conference within a relatively

short time would help at least a bit. The press wants to see you, have some news directly from our

mouths, and be able to ask questions. If we do it, Degaré will be there, and Matthew, but I’m not going

to let you do something that makes you very unhappy. I know I can talk for us, and they’ll have to wait

if and until you’re ready to tell your story.”

Steve takes his lover’s hand, twining their fingers. “Most likely, I will feel a bit scared,

definitely nervous, but there won’t be a prouder man than I sitting next to you.”

“We could perhaps do a long interview with a quality journalist right before we get married. I

wish I could say they’ll leave us in peace after that, but well ...”

Steve finishes his coffee. “Then they get the same story over and over again, until they

understand we are the most boringly happy couple in the country.”

“It would be a tiny bit easier if a few others would open their mouths as well. But I don’t

expect a lot of professional players to stand up and declare their love for their fellow men. Or do you

think Gael and Matthew ...”

Steve knows what he’s hearing, but it takes a few seconds to actually hear it. “You’ve seen it,

too?”

“Poor bastards, scared as hell after what happened to you and no one but each other to talk to

about it, because they hope no one has any idea what’s happening right under their noses.”

“I knew what was going on but only on an instinctive level, when I heard them talk while I was

still halfway waking up, but could already distinguish voices. When they talked to each other, they

sounded like when you talk to me.”

“To me, it was in their eyes. Never noticed it before; they were at least as good at hiding as we

were, but suddenly I knew for certain what I was seeing. And what do we do now?”

“We do nothing. Support them by example. They are family men; they have to deal with this in

their own way. Believe me; what they don’t want is us telling them how obvious they are to us. It

won’t help them, or their families.”

“You believe they should live a lie?”

“We lived a lie before I walked into that park. A beautiful, beautiful lie, but still a lie. The

truth started when you came to the hospital and stayed at my side, when you declared your love for

everyone to see and hear, even though you didn’t know yet if I would ever wake up again to confirm

your belief in me had been justified.” Steve can only hope his voice sounds as gentle as he means it to

sound.

Daniël stays absolutely silent for a moment.

Steve gives him his time, before asking, “Did I upset you?”

“Yes. It’s still true, isn’t it?”

“But you also hear what I say about you turning a lie into the truth?”

“I love you. What else is there to say?” Daniël puts his arm around Steve. “It was the easiest

choice I ever had to make. I belong at your side. And once I decided my priority, the rest became so

simple.”“

Come to bed, please?” Steve asks. “I have to feel you as close as possible.”

“Yeah,” Daniël says. “It’s too much, talking about this.”

His support is enough for Steve to get to the bedroom without his crutches, although Steve

leans so heavily on him it must feel like he’s carrying half his lover’s weight.

“It’s my head,” Steve mutters, “my head more than my muscles or my bones.”

“Remember what they told us in hospital? Exercise your muscles and perhaps your brain will

remember.” Daniël kisses him while they land safely on the bed. “Indulge me? Let me undress you?”

“That sounds more like you indulging me.” Steve spreads himself out as much as he’s able to.

“Well, have fun.”

Daniël starts with loosening one button of Steve’s shirt. “Feels like opening a gift for my

birthday and knowing it’s exactly what I asked for.”

The rest of the buttons follow. A kiss for a button and a button for a kiss.

Steve shivers in undiluted pleasure when his lover’s tongue swipes over the right nipple, then

the left, and continues over the surrounding skin. Daniël skips, an impish grin on his face, to the still

clothed crotch to tease the bulge with his lips, but doesn’t stay there because before Steve is used to

one sensation, he’s being kissed on his mouth. Wet and warm and oh, how it takes his breath away.

Suddenly, it stops.

“You make me so fucking greedy for you,” Daniël says, face flustered and eyes bright, while

he starts undressing himself. “I wish I could just ...” His shirt off, he seems to decide he needs to touch

his lover again and skates his hand over Steve’s belly, only to return to unfastening the belt of his own

jeans.

Steve waits patiently, watching his beloved boy trying to do three things at the same time and

hardly managing one. After a few minutes, he decides to intervene. “Why don’t you start with getting

yourself naked, then me?”

“You’re eager to feel me all over?” Daniël finally manages to get himself free of the last stitch

of clothing, his erection a proud declaration of want and need.

Steve stretches his hand out to make Daniël sit on the bed. “More than I perhaps realise.”

Daniël doesn’t forget to undress Steve while he talks. His gestures form a moving combination

of eagerness and care. “Would you allow me to be on top of you for a very short moment? I won’t

even rest my full weight on you. Perhaps you’d like to be on top of me first? Sorry. I’m asking too

much too soon. Sorry.”

“I’m not afraid of you, I’m afraid of the monsters in my own head.”

Daniël stretches himself out on his back, and opens his legs to create a comfortable space for

Steve. “Please?”

And Steve settles himself on top of his beloved, relaxing into the safe embrace.

“Good,” Daniël sighs and he kisses Steve.

“Perfect,” Steve sighs and he kisses Daniël.

Carefully, making sure there isn’t even the slightest chance to startle his lover – Steve has no

other way of interpreting the way Daniël’s hands glide over his back – Daniël explores Steve’s body as

far as he can reach, taking extra care with the many scars. Instead of avoiding them, he familiarises

himself further with them.

“It’s like getting to know you all over again,” Daniël whispers against Steve’s ear. Then,

almost like an apology: “Will you have patience with me?”

“Patience?”

“When I want things to go faster than is possible. When I ask you for things you’re not ready

for. I can see in your eyes you’re aware I’m holding back because I’m afraid to hurt you, to

overwhelm you. God, Steve, what more have they taken from us?”

Steve touches Daniël’s face. “Something in me will always want things to be like before, but

without the secrecy. Even if I’m not ready for what you so obviously need, that doesn’t mean I’m not

just as eager for it as you are. That I don’t want you so very, very much.”

“So it’s okay I can hardly wait till our wedding night?” Daniël almost sounds like a

combination of a naughty boy and a blushing virgin, and Steve can’t help but laugh.

When Daniël licks the very last drop of come from Steve’s spent cock, and Steve slowly,

longingly, retracts the two fingers from Daniël’s opening, and when they have cleaned themselves

provisionally with a damp cloth, finding rest and safety in each other’s arms, both men smile and

know they are ready to face the world again.

Chapter 21

In the warm embrace of a still half-asleep Daniël, the shy light of early morning gradually

gaining strength, Steve whispers, “Remember what you asked last night?”

A lazy kiss on his forehead. “What, sweetheart? What do you want me to remember?”

“You asked if you could be on top of me for a moment.”

Daniël looks very much awake now, and more than a little alarmed.

“Would you do this for me? Please? At this moment I need feeling your strength more than I

fear the monsters in my head. Than realising how defenceless I am.” He hides his face against the

crook of Daniël’s neck. “I want to feel I can face other people again, but I’m still so scared.”