Текст книги "Destroyed"

Автор книги: Pepper Winters

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Текущая страница: 26 (всего у книги 28 страниц)

The realization that I wanted to continue living—even if it meant without her by my side caught me by surprise. It shot me with fight and adrenaline. Reminding me that others needed me.

Roan needed me.

His son needed me.

Instead of guilt, peace settled.

Then my back bowed as Roan pressed in a little more, stretching me. “I won’t go any further until you make me. Touch me.” He kissed my cheek, smothering me in the scent of smoke. “Touch me. Please. You’re safe.” His voice was ragged and strained.

The offer was too tantalising. I wanted to help him break. I wanted him to stop being in pain.

My fingers whispered over his back and he hissed. Every muscle in his spine locked down.

I dropped my hands.

You can’t do this.

I no longer played with just my life. I had another. Barely formed and so, so delicate. I couldn’t be reckless or selfish.

“I can’t.”

His eyes flared wide, holding himself rigid above me. “Why not?”

My heart bucked, racing toward the truth. Fear filled me at how he’d react. Would he still want me? Would he view it as a replacement for Clara? I’d worked through my issues and accepted that I could love another without being a traitor to Clara’s memory, but Roan didn’t know. He didn’t have a clue.

“I can’t let you kill me.”

“I’m not going to kill you. Fuck, Zel. I need you to push me again. I won’t get better if you don’t push me like you did at Obsidian.”

I shook my head. “I have to think of someone else. It’s not just my life I’ll be risking to save yours.”

He reared upright, glaring deep into my eyes. “Spit it out. What the hell are you keeping from me now?” A terrible glint filled his eye. “So help me, Hazel, tell me. I won’t survive you keeping secrets from me again.”

I sucked in a deep breath, fortifying myself against his wrath. “I’m pregnant.”

The world stood still for a fraction of a second. His face froze, eyes dazed. Then life jolted back into him and he blinked. “What did you just say?”

I swallowed, hating the rush of sadness at celebrating a new life when I’d only just said goodbye to a girl who would always hold my heart. “I’m having your child.”

I wasn’t prepared for the switch in him. The savage hunger that exploded, infecting me just as brutally. “Fuck. Hazel.” His mouth crashed against mine, his tongue sweeping deep. I had no clue what was going on in his head.

His hands left my hips to capture my face, holding me captive as he kissed me like a man starved of air. As quickly as he kissed me, he pulled away. “What? How?” His eyes darted all over me, disbelief in their depths.

My head swam. My body sparked and hummed. “I thought I couldn’t conceive. I was wrong.”

“But—oh, my God. I’m going to be a father?” Love glowed brighter than any sun, then shadowed with fear. “Fuck. I’m not—I can’t be around something so breakable.” He sucked in a breath. “I—I don’t know what to say.”

I wasn’t scared that he’d reject the idea of his offspring, or that he’d send me away. Confidence ran in my blood. “You made so much progress already. You have nine months to finish curing yourself before he arrives.”

He swallowed hard. “He?” His eyes shot to my belly. “You already know what it is?”

Every part of me wanted to hug him. He looked lost. Terrified. Almost angry at me for putting him in this dangerous situation.

I shook my head. “No. But I know. It’s a boy. Your son. And you won’t hurt him. I won’t let you.”

His hips moved, withdrawing the small amount of connection we shared. “But—I managed to withstand Clara because she was so brave—so strong. But a newborn?” He panicked, eyes widening. “I can’t. I don’t want to be responsible for kill—” He stopped and gritted his teeth. “No. I’ll look after you till you have it, then I’ll keep my distance. It’s the only way.”

Anger.

Hot, swift anger. I’d forgotten what it felt like, buried beneath so much grief. I welcomed it and did something I probably shouldn’t.

Grabbing the back of his neck, I yanked him down. His biceps strained, trying to hold himself up. My legs shot upright and wrapped around his hips, finding his hardness again and pushing myself onto him.

He froze, tension echoing in his joints. “Stop, Hazel. Fuck—”

“No. I won’t stop. And I’ll tell you why. You are going to be part of this new life. You are going to heal and you’re going to get better. If I have to show you you can do this, then so be it.” My hands dropped from his neck to his hips, pulling him into me. He wrenched back, fighting the need between us.

He fought, looking positively wild, but then all the fight siphoned out of him and he collapsed on top. His breathing rattled in his lungs and his eyes screwed up tight. “It’s too hard. I can’t ignore the conditioning.”

“Yes, you can. And you will.”

I needed him to take me. The thirst ached in my teeth, my bones. I needed to solidify our connection once and for all.

We needed to bruise and ride and claim. This wasn’t about sweetness and building trust—it was deeper than that. Something that joined us more holy than marriage or a lifetime of togetherness.

“Take me, Roan. I trust you.”

He moaned loud and long. “I can’t—I don’t want to hurt you. This was a mistake.” His body imprisoned me, creating a blanket of lust-filled male.

“Yes, you can.” My hands landed on his ass.

He shuddered in my hold—his teeth grinding loudly. “Stop.”

“No.” I sank nails deep into his flesh and pulled him possessively into me. It was the first time I’d taken him. The first time I’d taken everything he offered and more.

His length sank in deep and wide, bringing heat and waves of desire. Every stretch was delicious. Perfect.

His self-control snapped and he threw his head back. “Oh my God. Goddammit, you feel—” He didn’t finish as he thrust in deeper—eternally deep. I couldn’t keep my eyes open—overwhelmed by the scrumptious fullness, the complete knowledge he was mine and I was his.

“See. You can. You have more control than you know.” Wrapping my legs tighter around his hips, I imprisoned him. “I trust you to love me. To not hurt me. Give me everything you have to give, Roan Averin.”

Every muscle stood out in stark relief, vibrating with pent-up aggression and only orders he could hear. He shuddered uncontrollably.

Reaching for his neck, I grabbed two handfuls of hair and yanked his lips to mine. “You can do this. Fight through it,” I panted against his lips.

He shook his head, tugging the strands in my grip. “What if I hurt you? Shit, Zel, you’re pregnant. Am I even allowed to be inside you like this?” His nostrils flared and his hips tried to wiggle out of my locked legs.

“You’re not going anywhere.” Grabbing more of his hair, I forced him to kiss me. My tongue entered his mouth and a tremor quaked down his back.

Biting his lower lip, I murmured, “I’ll touch you if you take me. I’ll stroke you if you make me come. I’ll always be yours, Roan. Prove to me you can keep me safe.”

I deliberately drove him to breaking point. It was fascinating to feel the change in him. The haunted look swirled in his depths. The violence of his past swallowed him whole. But through the transformation from human to machine he pressed his forehead against mine and locked eyes. He locked himself to me. Soul to soul.

Gone was the fight to protect me. His cock pressed deeper and his body smothered harder. He thrust once, gritting his teeth. “I can’t be slow. Don’t ask me to be slow.”

I nodded, stroking his back, thrilling with terror and want. “Take me however you need.”

His body slammed into me once, twice, before he found control and stopped—vibrating with barely held restraint. “I’m so fucking scared.” His voice wavered and the plea in his eyes almost made me let him go.

Almost.

“I trust you.” I’d keep repeating it over and over again until it seeped into his psyche and freed him. “You can’t hurt the baby. Take me. I won’t ask again.”

He switched from human to animal. He let go of everything.

His hips pulled back before colliding with mine with a ferocity that echoed in my heart. Everything about him switched to possessive greed. His face shut down. Lips pursed. Sweat beaded.

“Don’t trust me. Don’t fucking trust me,” he growled, driving into me. Every stroke of his cock claimed ownership and I let him steal me away.

Nothing else existed but him inside me and his hard heat above me. I locked my legs tighter, pulling him achingly deep.

His mouth latched onto my neck, sucking, biting. Sparks of gold and silver whizzed in my blood, intoxicating me—making me come back to life.

“Yes. Take me,” I panted as Roan drove violently into me. Every thrust he lost himself until I didn’t know which man I held. Obsidian Fox or Roan Averin.

The bed screeched across the floor, the bedding slip-slided all over the mattress as he took everything I had to offer. He was right.

It wasn’t gentle. It wasn’t sweet. It was dirty and cruel and broken.

But I couldn’t get enough.

His hands landed on my hips, holding me in place as he increased his rhythm. His face twisted until he looked furiously angry.

My heart no longer beat—it hummed like a hummingbird as every thrust unlocked a power deep inside me. A power over this man. Over my fate. Over my sadness and happiness and future.

Love swelled like a typhoon in my chest, evolving, growing until it filled every space and cavity. I visualized love protecting the new life inside me—spreading to Roan and healing him. It kept growing until my body had no more space and it exploded out of me, showering us both in emotion.

“God, I—I can’t stop.” Roan reared back, his face shiny with sweat. “I’m hurting you. God, I’m sorry. So damn sorry.” His eyes were wild, skin ashen. “The baby. Make me stop. Make me fucking stop.” His teeth gritted as he drove particularly hard into me.

My body sparked with electricity, static crackled between us. I couldn’t stop. Not when I was so close to falling over the precipice of a release I desperately wanted.

This was between me and him.

Life and death.

Possession and ownership.

I threw my head back. “You’re not hurting me. I trust you.”

“Stop saying that!” He groaned, increasing his rhythm until I felt sure I’d snap in two. “Don’t trust me. Never trust me.”

His guttural moan vibrated through his chest as the first ripple of need travelled down his cock, massaging me with the fierceness of his impending orgasm.

My body clenched, tightened, wound. Taking me out of this stratosphere and placing me on a shooting star. A comet where everything was happy and perfect and there was no tragedy or sadness.

A star.

Her star.

Grief tried to steal me from his embrace and I clamped my eyes shut. Focusing only on his heat and vitality. The more Roan took me, the more he pulled away. Our bodies were connected but our souls had lost each other.

I needed to find him again.

To finish what we’d started.

“More. Please, more.” I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, dragging him back against me. He moaned as his entire body went bow-string tight, landing on top of mine. His hips pistoned as I held on, never letting him go. Our breathing mingled, panting out of control.

Every stroke was delicious; every motion sent me higher up the mountain of claiming the most incredible orgasm of my life.

I relished in the fierceness of him, the absolute ownership of his body on top of me. Full body contact. Something completely new.

I loved hugging him.

I loved being blanketed by him.

The first spindle and body-shivering band of my release teetered just out of reach. I dug nails into his ass, curving into him, meeting his every thrust.

Roan cried out with all the torture in the world—lost in whatever mind-warp he suffered. “I—I fucking love you,” he snapped, violence tinging every part of him.

That was all I needed.

The knowledge he loved me gave me the strength to brave the unknown future. Gave me the courage to love another just like I’d loved Clara.

I came.

I unravelled and combusted all in one go. The orgasm wasn’t just in my pussy; it existed in every blood cell, in every breath I took, in every part of me. On and on the waves rolled, mimicking the crashing surf outside.

“Yes. Yes. Don’t stop.”

“I’ll never stop.” His mouth found mine in a battle of lips. He poured struggle, love, and commitment right into my heart.

I felt complete.

I hadn’t even known I was missing something until he gave me everything he was.

I’d never be free of him. Just like he’d never be free of me.

I cried out as the contractions of my release squeezed around his cock. He shivered and thrust harder. “I’m coming. Damn I’m fucking coming.”

Roan came apart.

His thrusts lost uniformity, driving relentlessly, seeking pleasure, seeking a release. “Take me. All of me.” His orgasm tore down his back, rippling like a powerful wave over his muscles. He spurted deep inside, splash after splash.

My release kept going, intensifying as our life mingled. I found, for one brief second, eternal happiness.

Gradually, Roan slowed before coming to a gentle rock. He collapsed on top, his cock twitching deep inside. His breathing was ragged and his heartbeat thudded through me like a heavy drum.

He sounded as if he’d run a gauntlet and barely survived.

“Are you okay?” I whispered.

He snorted. “Once again you ask about my wellbeing when I’m the one who just fucked you like a beast.” He looked up with desolate eyes. “Can you forgive me for taking you like that? Today of all fucking days. I should’ve kissed you and made sweet gentle love rather than bruise you like the bastard I am.”

My hand cupped his cheek. His entire body quaked and his forehead furrowed with deep tracks. Our hearts thudded so hard the bed trembled with every pulse, completely out of rhythm, racing to a crazy beat.

Not wanting to push him any further, I dropped my touch. He’d been through enough. He’d done better than I’d ever hoped.

We’d had full contact naked sex and although he’d suffered like crazy, he hadn’t once frightened me.

“You didn't bruise me and you’re not a bastard. You took care of me, Roan. You protected me by battling through whatever you deal with.” I smiled softly. “And that’s why I trust you.”

“Doesn’t matter. I still had no control. I still took you harder than I wanted.”

The sun had dropped from bright to twilight, sending the room into peaceful shadows. Roan rolled off me and sprawled on the tangled sheets.

Every part of me ached, but it was a good ache. A welcomed ache. It reminded me that life went on. I may have said goodbye to one precious thing in my life that I could never replace, but I’d gained more than I ever thought possible.

I propped myself up on an elbow and looked at him. He lay naked, an arm thrown over his head, his flat stomach pulsing as his heart slowly calmed.

The sweat on my skin began to chill and missed his weight on me. I missed being joined.

Sadness found me once again and I squeezed my eyes, trying to stay in the moment where tears couldn’t find me.

A hand caressed my cheek. “Are you okay?”

My eyes opened, locking onto his. “No. But I think in time I will be.”

His face darkened. “I miss her so much. It’s like a part of me is gone. I feel guilty for wanting this baby with you because I feel like I’m betraying her. I feel guilty for living while she’s gone.” He dropped his hand, looking up at the ceiling. “When is it okay to let her go? When will the guilt stop?”

My eyes glossed and I flopped down beside him, wanting so much to snuggle into his embrace. “Clara wouldn’t want us to feel guilty about living. But it’s going to take a long time to move on.”

Roan shifted, bringing his fingers to lock with mine. It wasn’t enough. I wanted his arm around me. But it had to do—for now.

“Thank you. For what just happened. You gave me something I didn’t even know I needed.” He smiled gently. “I have no words. It was incredible.”

I smiled. “Remember what I told you? Sex is meant to be enjoyed with no clothes and full body contact. You’ll get the hang of it.”

He laughed, then apprehension etched his face. “I managed to fight the conditioning this time, but next time…I don’t know if I can. It was stupid to push so hard. Especially now—” His eyes fell to my flat stomach.

Terror filled his gaze and I rushed to stop him from spiralling deep into himself. “Don’t think about next time. You probably didn’t think you could achieve what just happened, but you did.” I leaned over and kissed him gently. “Stop worrying. Everything will work out.”

“He’s hurting. He needs you, mummy.”

Clara’s voice captured my heart and I sucked in a breath.

A few minutes ticked by while we fell into our thoughts. The only sound came from the surf across the road. I wanted to stay in this bubble of time forever—in limbo where I didn’t have to face more tears or plan a future that would be full of complications.

Roan scowled. Breaking the silence, he said, “I didn’t want to do this, but it isn’t about me anymore. I need to know you’re safe. From me. I need to know I won’t hurt you accidently or put the baby’s life at risk.”

Ice trickled in my blood as a bleak resolution filled his eyes. He’d made a decision without discussing with me.

Shit.

Sitting upright, I snapped, “What are you thinking? Whatever it is, stop it.”

My heart picked up until it raced just as madly as before. I hated not knowing what crazy conclusions Roan had come to. He won’t leave. Will he?

Horror heated my blood at the thought of him walking away under the pretence of protecting me and his unborn child.

“Roan. You can’t—”

Cutting me off, he muttered, “I killed my handler in Russia. I broke the control he had over me. It’s no longer his voice inside my head telling me to kill and murder. But the conditioning is too deep. I’ll never be free because I’ve been taught all my life to obey a certain hierarchy.” He sighed. “Do you understand?”

Tears pricked my eyes. I didn’t have a clue. I’d never be able to comprehend what he lived with.

Roan didn’t wait for me to reply. “I can’t say I won’t ever fight again. I can’t say I’ll ever be strong enough not to seek out pain to help deal with my issues, but I can say I will hurt you. It’s inevitable. Sooner or later, I won’t be strong enough. You’ll touch me when I’m unprepared. I’ll lash out and cause untold damage, and I refuse to run that risk.”

My stomach pretzeled in fear. “What are you saying?” Don’t say you’re leaving. Do not say you’re leaving.

“All my life, I’ve been controlled. I thought I could find help from you, and…Clara…” His eyes misted, then he carried on. “But I’m taking responsibility for my own condition, and I know what I need to do. You’re my life now. My woman and lover. I belong to you absolutely. I can’t put your life in danger every second of every day. It isn’t fair on you. And I refuse to live in fear anymore.”

Rolling to face me, he softened his tone, accepting his decision, whatever it was. “Once I drop the barrier in my mind, I will be yours to control in all things. It’s the only way I can think to keep you safe from me.”

Grasping my hand, his voice dropped to a deadly whisper. “In order to keep you safe, I need to give you the power. I need to know that I’ll obey you in all things. I need an owner who I’ll obey explicitly if I slip and hurt you. If I put you in position of my handler, one word from you and I’d stop. Without question.”

I tried to pull my hand away, hating the thought of taking away his free will or owning rights to his thoughts and decisions. “No. I won’t do it.” It was barbaric. “You’re not mine to control. You’re a human being, not my pet.”

His fingers trapped me tighter. “You will do this for me, dobycha. Otherwise, you will always be that for me: dobycha—prey. I’ll never be safe around you and you’ll have to be on high alert all the time. One of us will screw up and it will be you who pays. You have to do this.”

He shook his head, eyes glowing with ferocity. “Do you want to stay here and raise a family with me?”

I glared. What a cruel question. Of course I did. But not at the cost of his happiness. Angry tears filled my eyes, but as much as I hated it, I couldn’t argue against his logic.

It’s not fair.

But it’s the only way.

I knew that. I knew my knife wouldn’t be enough to stop him if he forgot who he was and came after me. I wouldn’t hesitate to kill him if he hurt his son. I could end up dead or murdering the man I love.

It was a living hell.

When I didn’t answer, Roan said, “It has to be this way. You know it’s the truth. Until I can find another solution, this is the best I can come up with. I refuse to live in fear of killing you. I’d never survive watching another person I love die.”

My heart broke all over again for Clara.

For Roan’s family.

For his past.

I sighed as the fight to argue evaporated. I couldn’t deny it made sense. And I couldn’t pretend that both mine and our unborn child’s safety weren’t worthy of a sacrifice to keep us alive. “Only until we can find another cure.”

He nodded, smiling, but it didn’t reach his eyes. I sucked in a breath at the truth in his gaze. He didn’t believe he’d ever be normal. He’d given up hope. He’d accepted that this was the way his life had to be—his last chance to find some resemblance of happiness.

I wanted to kill every evil bastard who'd done this to him. They’d not only ruined Roan’s life but mine and his children's, too.

He’d never be free—always be haunted by ghosts.

“Don’t give up. Promise me you won’t give up.” Squeezing his hand, I vowed, “I will never use the power over you for anything other than protecting myself or our future child. You have my ultimate word. But this is only temporary. I know one day you’ll find freedom.”

He leaned in and gave me the sweetest kiss. Holding me steady, he licked the seam of my lips. His dark taste danced me away from reality and into a happier place. He kissed me to avoid lying to me.

He wouldn’t keep trying because he was tired. He’d fought the battle for too long.

I moaned as his teeth nipped on my bottom lip, sending more fireworks to unfurl. He tasted of freedom and future. I wanted so much for him to find ultimate happiness.

When he pulled back, something had changed. He’d activated the conditioning. I didn’t know how it worked but he’d given me power over him. And it fucking killed him.

Sighing heavily, he said, “It’s done. You’re safe.” His snowy eyes glowed with a mixture of hate and satisfaction. Relief and frustration.

My gaze grew wet at the thought of irrevocably owning this man. It wasn’t natural. It wasn’t human. But he’d given every obedience to me.

I felt as if he’d handed over a leash, pulling him to heel. I lost a bit of him even as he sacrificed so much.

Clara would’ve hated it. She would’ve known what he’d done. She would’ve made him find another way.

“Don’t give up. He needs you, mummy. Don’t be sad.”

Keeping my grief at bay, I nodded, accepting his gift. “I love you.”

He smiled, bringing me into the crook of his arm. His touch sent heat and burning embers across my skin. Every time he touched me, it was like he gave a part of himself—shared his energy with me.

That’s true.

He just gave me his soul.

Kissing the top of my head, he whispered, “And I love you.” Sucking a deep breath, he laughed, forcing merriment rather than sadness into his voice. “You own me heart and soul, Hazel Hunter. You’re not just my lover but my handler and I will walk over blades for you. I would kill for you. I will lay down my life for you.”

Nuzzling my neck, he murmured, “You have the power over a highly trained Ghost. What is your first command, mistress?”

My heart thumped at the pain hidden in his voice. The gift he’d given me. I swore then and there I would find a cure. I would never stop until I fixed the man who fixed me.

Ignoring the painful tug in my heart, I smiled against his lips. “Kiss me. Make love to me. Make me look forward to our future.”

His head bowed, lips captured mine.

His eyes locked with mine as he reverently whispered, “Yes, ma’am.”