Текст книги "Crazy Beautiful"

Автор книги: Penny Dee

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Текущая страница: 15 (всего у книги 19 страниц)

Chapter Eighteen HEATH

It had been another great gig. The crowd was smaller than those we had been playing to lately, but they were hard-core fans and their excitement had electrically charged the air. We could do no wrong and for the first time in weeks I’d felt happy and alive again. The music. The fans. Performing with my brothers on stage, it’d all come together to form an awesome show. We were at a small licensed venue on the outskirts of town. And damn it felt good to be home.

After the show, none of us were keen to leave. We stayed behind for a drink with friends and fans, some we knew, some we didn’t. I was designated driver. I wasn’t going to touch another drop of alcohol until I sorted things out with Harlow.

Not that I was making any progress.

Since our confrontation at the Sugar Shack I hadn’t heard from her or made any attempt to see her. I was waiting until her anger had subsided. I thought she might have calmed down a little bit while we were away touring with the Masters of Mayhem music festival, maybe even missed me a little. But that was just proof of what an asshole I was. Time wasn’t going to soften her anger. What I had done to her wasn’t going to be repaired by a few weeks apart.

Sometimes, as the days passed by me, I wondered if anything could repair what I had done. I was losing hope. I had fucked up the one chance I had with the most amazing girl in the world and I was at a loss as to what to do next.

There had been plenty of opportunities to move forward. Blondes. Brunettes. Redheads. At every gig. At every meet and greet. Hell, even the thirty-something receptionist at the bus charter company offered me her cell number on a post-it note attached to our charter agreement.

Then, in Virginia, when I’d returned to the edge-of-town motel we were staying at, I’d flung open the door to see a girl waiting naked for me in my bed. How the hell she’d known it was my room was beyond me. I was learning that some of these girls would do crazy shit given the opportunity and side stepping them was getting exhausting.

But I wasn’t interested in moving forward. I had tried and I couldn’t. I was in love with the only girl I could ever imagine sharing my life with. And I wasn’t prepared to risk that for anyone else.

Granted, the only one girl I was interested in actually hated me.

But there would be no one else.

While in Seattle during the festival tour, Armie had insisted we visit Renton and the childhood home of his idol, Jimi Hendrix, only to find it had been torn down. “Fuckers,” Armie had yelled disillusioned that the sacred site had been razed. “Let’s go get a drink as a salute to Jimi.”

So he and I had gone into town and found a bar where Armie had toasted Jimi for both of us with several bourbons. As we walked back to our car we passed a jewelry store down a little side street. It was a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it type place with a small display window out the front and a small, skinny front door with peeling paint and a rusty door knob. But something drew me to the window and there, right there, in the middle of all the other items was the ring. The one I would one day slip onto Harlow’s finger when I made her my girl, permanently.

If she ever stopped hating me.

“Dude, seriously? She thinks you’re an asshole.”

I loved Armie for his brutal honesty.

“I know, and she’d never say yes to me in a million years,” I said, staring at the stunning diamond and platinum piece. But it was too beautiful not to have. And I knew I would search for a hundred years and never find a ring more perfect for Harlow. It was just like her; one in a million.

“Well she won’t ever say yes if you never ask her,” Armie said looking at the window display through thick-rimmed glasses. He was a vision of dark spiky hair and black clothing against the stark white timber of the jewelry store. He tapped at the window as if there was a puppy on the other side. “Some things are too precious to walk away from.”

I didn’t know if he was referring to the ring or if his observations included Harlow. I never asked him, but I had the feeling he was telling me to go for it.

The ring cost me almost more than I would make on the tour, but just having it made me feel closer to the girl I was crazy about. I couldn’t explain it. I just had to have it. For her. Even when hope for us was fading.

Now we were back in town and I still hadn’t seen or heard from her and the ring was tucked safely in my sock drawer.

I wasn’t going to push my luck and force her to see me. I wasn’t in a position to piss her off any more. So the plan was to let time slip by and let the Universe take over. If I kept my faith in us, then somehow we would work this out.

“So have you thought about how you’re going to ask her?” Armie had whispered to me before we went on stage.

“I have to work out how I am going to get her to talk to me first. Let alone marry me,” I replied.

The show was over, it was just after one in the morning and I yawned. It had been a good night but I was feeling the onset of fatigue.

While on tour, we had landed a recording contract with a major label. Things were finally starting to happen for Vengeance and there was a potent enthusiasm within the band. Armie had written a lot of material on the road and we were keen to get into the studio and start creating our second album.

We had booked a studio for the next morning, which was only hours away, to work on recording the album and I wanted to start with a clear head.

My car keys jingled in my hands. “I’m ready to call it a night. Who wants a ride home?”

Jesse, Piper and Armie decided to come with me. Tommy had already left with his new girlfriend Saskia, and Zack was heading home with a girl called Jane, who was his every-now-and-again girl.

Armie was a little drunk but talked excitedly about starting in the studio. We were on the verge of something exciting happening to the band. This was our shot at the big time and we were all ready.

The car park was almost deserted as we left the bar. The night had wrapped up and the people were gone. The lack of heat in the air was a solemn reminder that summer was almost over.

As we headed towards the Challenger along the side of the road, Armie started to goof around. Jesse and Piper walked ahead of us, their arms around one another as Jesse smoked. Seeing them together and so into each other opened the hole in my chest. It was times like these, when the day was winding down and it was time to turn in, when I missed my girl the most. I let myself think for a moment of how much I wished I was going home to her arms, and how badly I wanted to curl myself around her warm body as I fell asleep. Then I forced the thought away. Because I ached too much when I thought shit like that.

“Dude, check this …” Armie was attempting a handstand with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. But he was a little too intoxicated and fell flat on his face. I burst out laughing. You could always rely on Armie for some comic relief.

Jesse and Piper paused and turned to watch him.

“You’re such a gymnast,” Jesse joked.

Armie picked himself up and attempted another handstand only to fail once again. He paused on the road to pick up his cigarette.

“Let’s go Mary Lou Retton,” I said.

The light appeared from nowhere. One moment it was dark and the road was deserted, the next moment the bright light hit us. I heard the roar of the engine, the sudden screech of brakes and then the brilliant brightness of car headlights as they descended upon us.

* * * * *

HARLOW

It took me a moment to realize my phone was ringing. I fumbled in the dark and answered it.

Straight away I heard sobbing. “Harlow. It’s Piper.”

“Piper? Why are you crying?”

“You have to come down to the hospital.”

Fear tingled up my spine. I quickly sat up and turned on the bedside lamp.

“What’s happened? Are you hurt?”

There was more sobbing and anxiety prickled across my body.

Please God, let Heath be okay.

“He’s dead Harlow …” Piper’s voice broke.

I sucked in a deep breath and held it.

Not Heath. Please don’t let it be Heath.

“There was a car. We were walking –” Piper broke off sobbing and I clutched the phone. I felt sick.

“Who died Piper? Who?” The sharpness in my voice surprised me and I realized I was speaking through gritted teeth. My heart stuttered and missed a beat.

She sobbed and sniffed. “Armie’s dead, Harlow. Armie’s goddamn dead.”

Within twenty minutes I was running through the doors of the emergency department. Tears streaked down my face. They’d started in the car and I’d be damned if I could get them to stop.

I found Jesse in the waiting room with his head in his hands as Piper comforted him. She looked up when I walked in, her eyes red from crying. She jumped up and hugged me with a sob. I bit back more tears as she broke from our embrace and looked up at me, her face tear stained, her nose swollen from wiping it.

“What happened?” I asked quietly.

“The guys had just finished a show. We stayed back for a few drinks.” She sniffed, wiping her eyes with her fingers. “Heath offered me, Jesse and Armie a lift because he wasn’t drinking so he could drive. We were walking to the car when Armie was goofing around on to the road. He was drunk.” She started to cry again. “It happened so quickly. One minute we were goofing around and the next—” She broke off in a sob and Jesse took her in his arms.

He looked at me, his face drawn. “A car came around the corner. They were speeding but Armie was in the middle of the road. He didn’t have a chance.”

“Where are the others? Are they okay?” I asked Jesse.

“Zack and Tommy are outside, having a smoke. Heath is down the corridor.” He nodded towards a corridor leading away from the waiting room. “He’s not doing too good.”

I headed down the brightly lit corridor bracing myself for Heath’s condition. I found him leaning against the wall, his forehead buried in his arm. He looked up when I said his name. His beautiful eyes were wet with tears. His face crumpled when he saw me and he pulled me to him, burying his face in my shoulder and grasping me close.

“We’re going to get through this,” I said quietly. He pulled back and exhaled deeply, fighting off another wave of emotion. He opened his mouth to speak but closed it, turning his eyes to the ceiling. His dimples flickered as he fought with the emotional pain.

“I just—” He ran his hand through his hair. “I can’t believe he is gone.”

“Do his parents know?”

His eyes found mine as tears spilt down his cheeks. “I had to fucking phone them. Jesus Christ, I had to tell them. The police were going to, but I didn’t want some stranger turning up on their doorstep.” He wiped his cheek. “They’re flying in tomorrow.”

I pulled him into my arms again and felt him relax into me.

“We need to get you home. There’s nothing more you can do for Armie here at the hospital,” I said gently. “You, the rest of the guys, Piper, we’ll go back to your place and we’ll face this together, okay?”

He pulled back from me, bewildered, and his blue eyes were bright with tears. “I don’t know if I can do this.” he whispered.

I held him by the chin so I could look him square in the eye. “You can and you will. But we will do it together, okay?”

We headed back to Heath’s house. Shock and grief set in on everyone. Hardly anyone spoke. We stopped and picked up a couple of bottles of bourbon and sat in the lounge room and talked. There were tears. The pain was raw. It seemed so unreal.

When the sun came up I pulled the blinds so it was dark and slowly fatigue took over and sleep finally found everyone.

* * * * *

HEATH

When everyone fell asleep, to my surprise Harlow took me by the hand and led me to my bedroom. Without words we slipped out of our clothes, down to our underwear, and climbed into bed. She immediately wrapped her arms around me and held me against her. Her warmth and the soft beat of her heart was an elixir to my torment. It helped me to fight off another wave of tears.

Being there like that, in her arms and feeling the soft caress of her warm breath against my cheek, calmed me so I felt like I could catch my breath. And God knew, I needed to catch my breath.

As we lay there in the stillness of the dark morning, gentle fingers traced delicate lines across my skin, lulling my exhausted mind so I finally slipped into a restless sleep.

It happened so fast. The headlights appeared out of nowhere. Having retrieved his cigarette, Armie stood up and was suddenly silhouetted against the car headlights. Brakes squealed. Armie looked bewildered and turned towards the light as if in slow motion. Suddenly, he was propelled into the air.

“Nooooooo!” I screamed.

The impact sent him flying several meters. He hit the road with a sickening thud and slid across the asphalt. The car screeched to a halt, filling the air with burnt rubber.

I ran to Armie who was bloodied and broken on the side of the road. He was barely conscious. I dropped to my knees. There was so much blood. His eyes found mine and he reached out with a bloodied hand. I grabbed it and held it tight.

Everything was slow. Like it was happening a few seconds slower than real life; like the audio had been turned down on a playback. I was barely aware of Jesse and Piper next to me. I heard Piper’s voice and it vaguely registered that she was on the phone to paramedics, pleading with them to hurry.

Armie gave my hand a gentle shake. His dazed eyes were on me and they looked afraid. I could only imagine the pain he was in. He was lying in an awkward position but I didn’t dare move him. God knew what sort of damage had occurred internally. His legs were bent in awkward positions and I could see they were both badly broken.

“It’s going to be okay Armie, help’s on its way, just hang on buddy.”

But it wasn’t going to be okay and Armie knew it. He gripped his hand around mine and swallowed hard.

“Oh damn …” he murmured.

And then he was gone.

Just like that.

Armie took his final breath and died.

I bolted upright in bed, ripped from my sleep by grief and panic, and those vivid images of Armie’s last moments.

Harlow sat up next to me but didn’t say anything. Her hand was warm on my back as she gently rubbed it. She didn’t tell me it was going to be okay because it wasn’t going to be, and she knew it. Armie was dead. And nothing could change that. Life had dealt us a cruel blow and no matter how much we wanted to turn back time and change it, life would push forward in this direction and Armie would be gone forever.

My head fell to my hands. I knew I had to accept it.

I just didn’t know how I was going to.

* * * * *

HARLOW

It was mid-afternoon and cloudy when we got up. I made coffee and sandwiches but no one was really hungry. The mood in the house was forlorn and every now and then someone would crack and start to cry or try desperately to fight off a wave of grief. Ringing cell phones was a constant. Tommy and Zack bought another bottle of bourbon and set about polishing it off, while Heath and Jesse decided it was best to stay sober. They left around five pm to meet Armie’s parents at the hospital.

“Will you be here when I get back?” Heath asked sadly.

I nodded. There was no work tonight. I had spoken to Fat Tony and he was closing The Palace for the evening out of respect for Armie. He was devastated. He’d had a lot of time for the lovable guitarist and was choked up on the phone when he heard the news. It was the first time The Palace had closed on a Saturday night in more than thirty years. He was buying a bottle of Cinzano, he explained, and getting hammered out of respect for Armie.

“If you need me to be here, then I’ll be here,” I told Heath and he wrapped his arms around me. His warmth was comforting and his body was a reassuring wall of strength. He held me tightly so my face was pressed firm against his strong chest. I could hear the hammering of his heart and I didn’t want to let him go. But with a kiss to the top of my head, he released me.

He wore a t-shirt over a long sleeved shirt, with his favorite Dodgers cap turned backwards and a pair of dark aviators. He looked so big and strong but I knew what was happening behind those dark glasses. He was barely holding it together. From the top of the steps I watched him leave and as soon as he was gone, I was desperate for him to come back.

Piper left not long after. Pale and exhausted, she just wanted to sleep in her own bed. She had known Armie since they were in grade school and was heartbroken. She hugged me and kissed me, her chin shaky as she disappeared out the front door.

Left alone and feeling empty¸ I ran a bath and sank into the warm water. The Dillinger house was unusually deserted. Leigh was out of town and wasn’t due back for another week. Likewise, Nikki was also out of town with girlfriends but after hearing about Armie had said she would be home the following day. I tilted my head back onto the tiled wall and closed my eyes, trying to make sense of everything. But my brain wasn’t ready to slow down and threw out so much information it made me dizzy. Tears streamed down my cheeks.

In three days I was due to fly home. But I couldn’t. Not now. I would move my flight forward to after Armie’s funeral. And I would stay and support Heath. He was still my best friend and I couldn’t leave him to face this on his own.

The sun had set by the time I climbed out of the tub and wrapped myself in a towel. I intended to wait for Heath, to be ready to offer him the support he needed when he came home, but after changing into a cami, sleep crept up on me and I fell into a deep well of dreams.

When I woke up the room was a pool of shadows and lamplight. Heath sat on the end of the bed, his head in his hands. Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall’ played softly from the iPod dock. Good Bye Cruel World.

I crawled across the bed to put my arms around him.

“Are you okay?” I asked, my voice raspy from sleep.

He shook his head and his chin quivered. He wouldn’t look at me. His brows were pulled in and his mind seemed so far away. He still had his car keys in his hands.

“How are Armie’s parents?”

It took him a moment to answer. “Devastated,” he choked, and when he raised his eyes to look at me I could see the pain in his eyes. His face was a thin mask of control and it was about to break.

“It’s okay now. You don’t have to be brave anymore Heath. It’s just me here. You can let it out,” I said softly.

His tears fell quickly down his face and I pulled him to me. Today, when visiting with Armie’s parents, he would have been the strong one. Stoic. In control. A source of comfort. It was in his nature to lead and make sure the situation was well taken care of. But it would have drained him. It would have taken every ounce of his emotional strength to not fall apart.

Now he could.

He fell back onto the bed and pulled his forearms over his eyes. I went to the kitchen to get us a glass of wine and when I came back he was still on his back.

When he sat up again, he looked exhausted.

In the subdued light he looked young, boyish, more vulnerable than I could have ever imagined. Placing the glasses of wine on the bedside table, I knelt before him. I didn’t have any words. Words were pointless. But he looked so terribly sad and so devoid of hope that I had to give him a small ray of sunlight to hold onto in the darkness.

I tilted his chin so he had to look at me. The depth of the despair in the blue shadows wedged in my heart.

We held our gaze long enough for him to understand what I was about to do. His brow drew in and then smoothed again and I felt him relax a little.

The haunting strings of Hey You floated down from the speakers and filled the room as I leaned in and found his mouth with my lips.

He hesitated. And for a moment I thought he might pull away. But as my tongue slid over the delicate skin of his mouth, he groaned and his lips parted to let me in. Unsure at first, his tongue found mine and tangled in a gentle, familiar rhythm. Golden light filled my head, drugging my mind, as the sensations in my body collided with the melancholy magic of the music.

Heath pulled away and exhaled deeply.

“My head is so fucked up, Harlow,” he whispered.

I nodded. This would only make things better. Even if it was only for one night. It would be one night less of pain and grief.

With no words and without breaking eye contact, I rocked back on my heels and lifted my cami above my head. I was naked underneath, no bra, no thong, nothing but skin. Heath’s breath caught between his teeth, but he didn’t move. He waited, his eyes glazed over as they took in the image of me. All of me.

I walked on my knees until I was between his parted thighs and without words placed my hand on the base of his neck and pulled him into a kiss.

At first he hesitated. But with a sudden hiss of air he pulled me to my feet, his hands either side of my face as he kissed me, walking me backwards until my back was against the wall.

“Are you sure?” His eyes searched my face.

I nodded but he paused again and his beautiful eyes searched deep into mine.

“Harlow—”

“I want this,” I whispered. “Let’s just forget everything. For one night.”

He gave in then and his mouth fell to mine and his tongue filled my mouth. His kiss was desperate, a mix of grief and desire. We barely parted to shed his clothes. Then he lifted me into his strong arms and I wrapped my legs around him as he carried me to his bed.

When he sat down on the edge of his bed, I straddled him. My fingers curled around his jaw as I drew up on my knees and then very slowly slid down the length of him.

His eyes held mine but then closed with pleasure. His lips found my throat, his tongue sliding down the smooth plane of skin to the crook of my neck as he filled me. My head fell back. His touch was magical. Beneath me his body was hard and welcoming. He held me to him. His big hands pressed into my back and shoulders as I rode him. I felt high. Drugged by the intensity of the moment. Grateful for this moment where grief no longer existed. Only pleasure.

It felt amazing. Incredible.

Beautiful.

“Heath.” I said his name, even though I didn’t know why. Maybe because in that moment, all I knew was him and the brilliance of his body sliding into mine. And not far off on the horizon ecstasy was on its way. It wouldn’t take much to reach it. I was almost there. I sighed and Heath ducked his head to bury his mouth against my neck. We moved slowly then. Skin against skin. Limb against limb. His hands tangled in my hair. His soft lips warm against my neck. My body moving deeper onto him with every rise and fall of my hips.

There was nothing else.

Nothing. Else.

But him.

Us.

“You are so beautiful,” he moaned, his fingers sweeping along the length of my arm to tangle with my fingers. His lips sought out my mouth and I curled my arms around his neck to pull him closer to me.

It took me then. Completely. The feeling. The euphoria. Like a bright white light. I tilted my head back and gave myself to it completely. Another thrust. Another glide of his tongue against my throat. And we came undone together.

“Harlow,” he breathed desperately.

He closed his eyes and together we left that room. Gone. A moment in time away from the pain of our reality.

Afterwards we lay in silence. Naked. Entwined. Together. My love for him was abundant and I felt fiercely protective of him.

He looked at me, his beautiful face softened by shadow. We were face to face, our noses almost touching, our lips only a breath away. His tender fingers found the curve of my shoulder and gently traced lines and circles like a whisper across my skin.

“Please stay,” he pleaded softly, his eyes gentle. “Until we’ve buried, Armie. Please just stay.”

I nodded. “I will.”

He searched my face and I could see the sadness etched deep in the blue of his beautiful eyes.

“I don’t want to do this by myself,” he whispered.

“You won’t have to. I changed my flight, Heath. I’m staying an extra week.”

He pulled me against his broad, naked chest and his warmth was infinite. Only an extra week. Nothing more. Nothing less.

And no holding back.