Текст книги "Swelter"

Автор книги: Nina G. Jones

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Текущая страница: 10 (всего у книги 16 страниц)

As I wrapped up the dishes, Rory came into the house with the last of the items he needed to bring in from outdoors. I was seething now that the shock of Rory's announcement had worn off. Even Bobby said his brother was wrong. This wasn't just me holding onto some residual resentment towards Rory. His announcing our move without even telling me was wrong on its own merits.

He dragged his feet, heavy from the booze, into the house. As if last night hadn't happened, he came up behind me sliding his hands along my waist. “Where's Bobby?” he whispered.

“He's in the shower,” I replied shrugging off his advances.

“What's wrong?”

I shook my head, not believing I had to explain to him why I was upset. “Do I really have to tell you? You put me on the spot out there. A move like that is a decision we both make. You don't just spring it on me and assume that's something I want to do, too.”

“What? They offered the job. I took it. Case closed. What can you do here that you can't do anywhere else? My career comes first, it puts the food on the table, the roof over your

head . . . that nice car of yours in the driveway.” He pointed towards the front of the house.

“You wanted to be the only breadwinner. I went to college too. I could have a career. Just because you don't want me to work, doesn't mean I have no say in anything.”

“You want a job, Lilly? Is that what this is about?” He chuckled mockingly. “Come

on . . . you've been taken care of your entire life. Daddy's little girl. You're smart, but you wouldn't last a day out there.”

“Stop treating me like a child!” I yelled, slamming the dish in my hand in the sink. “Stop making decisions for me like I am too stupid to take care of myself. I am your wife, not your kid!”

“Well, maybe if we had some you wouldn't be so restless!”

I turned away from the sink and scowled. “How dare you . . . have you considered that it might be you who has the issue, Rory? I got checked out. I'm fine. You want to talk about childish behavior? How about the fact that you refuse to get yourself looked at? Your stubbornness might be the reason this house has no children!”

I had done it. Delivered the grand blow. I spoke what had remained unspoken this entire time. Challenged his manhood.

“Lilly, you are such a bitch.” Rory sneered, his face glowering as if he could taste the bitterness of his own words.

I gasped like that word was a dagger that had stabbed me in the chest.

He paused for a moment, I could see the wheels turning in his inebriated brain, and then threw his hands up. “We're going to Minneapolis. I'm not discussing it.” Rory made a beeline for the front of the house and slammed the front door behind him. The car screeched out of the driveway.

I screamed in frustration, slamming my fists on the edge of the sink before turning to see Bobby standing at the entrance to the kitchen, a towel wrapped around his waist, dripping wet. His face wore a fixture of pity and disappointment. Rory had mostly been on his best behavior since Bobby had arrived, and this was the first time he had witnessed the ugliness that brewed in the walls of his house.

“You two are no good for each other,” he said, before turning and walking back to his room.

I didn't follow. It wasn't fair to seek his consolation about the brother I had chosen over him. I wouldn't make myself a wedge between them. I created this problem and I was going to have to find a way to solve it.

Seven Years Earlier

As the reception went on, I kept an eye out for Bobby. I hadn't seen him since his speech, but the property was vast, there were many guests, and I understood why he wouldn't want to see Rory and me. Yet something felt deeply unsettled. After those words he delivered, a eulogy to our love, I feared his absence signaled something more. What? I didn't know, but there was an empty feeling when he left the reception.

“Why don't you say we get some sleep?” Rory asked. I knew what that meant. Rory was like any other man, eager to consummate his marriage. The guests had filtered out, and the cabin which housed my bridal room was now ours for the night. The next day Rory and I would leave for our honeymoon.

“Sure. Where's Bobby? I never got the chance to thank him for his speech.”

“Who knows? There were a lot of girls and it's Bobby. He's probably having fun with one as we speak.”

I faked a smile to mask the sensation of being stabbed in the heart.

On that note, we headed into the cabin.

“I need to change,” I told Rory.

Rory grinned. “Okay, gorgeous.”

He left for the bedroom, and I went back to the room in which I had last been alone with Bobby. Makeup and items from the vanity were still scattered on the floor. I sat in front of it and looked at myself in the mirror. I was nervous. I had gone from never having sex to having to fake the loss of my virginity with my new husband within the span of 24 hours. I dropped my head into my hands as I sighed, and that's when my eyes caught the ring. The one I had dropped and Bobby had retrieved. The token of love and commitment from someone to whom I could never return the favor. I smiled when I saw the pretty thing and picked it up, gently pressing it to my lips in Bobby's stead. I grabbed a handkerchief and rolled it up, slipping it into a jewelry box. Then I changed out of my dress into a fresh slip, unpinned my hair, spritzed on some jasmine perfume, and made my way to the bedroom.

The Livelys were blessed with good genes. Rory was attractive. But the prospect of lying with my own husband made me feel as though I was being unfaithful to Bobby.

I slowly opened the bedroom door and Rory stopped unbuttoning his cuffs when he caught sight of me. He looked handsome, his hair a little out of place and the top of his shirt already undone. “I know I keep saying this, but you look beautiful. I am a very lucky man.”

He made his way over to me, softly gripping the back of my neck and pulling me in for a kiss. At first I stiffened in response to his touch, but then I relented. I was torn between my feelings towards Bobby and my carnal curiosity about sex with Rory. After all, he and I had battled not to go this far. It wasn't like we never wanted to. In fact, I hoped that I would be overcome with passion for Rory. Then I would know I made the right choice.

Rory placed a soft kiss on my lips. “Don't be nervous,” he uttered against them.

I nodded. But I was. I was afraid as soon as he entered me, he would know that I had already given myself to another man.

He slid his hand along the silky, lavender-hued fabric of the nightgown and pulled me close to him. I felt how hard he already was, how much he yearned for me. “I'll try to make sure it doesn't hurt, okay?”

I nodded.

He ran his hands along the mound of my backside, gripping me. “You're so soft,” he cooed.

I smiled at the warmth in his green eyes.

He ran his middle fingers under the straps of the nightgown and pulled them away from my shoulders, then down, just enough to expose my breasts. He kissed one on the tip, then around it, up my neck.

“Here,” he said, taking my hand and pressing it against his bulge. “Look how hard you've made me.”

Holding him in my hand awakened a stirring in between my legs.

“Take it out,” he asked.

I unbuttoned his pants and slid them down. He popped up, eager to finally feel what it was like to be inside of me.

“It would help if you put your mouth on it,” he suggested. I had used my hands on Rory before, but never my mouth. In fact I had never used my mouth like that before. Bobby didn't ask, he gave, and I didn't have the experience to initiate it.

I looked up at him innocently, licked my lips, and knelt like an obedient wife.

“All you have to do is put your mouth on it and go up and down. No teeth,” he instructed. He took my hand and placed it around the base of his shaft. “You can do it with your hand at the same time.”

I cautiously wrapped my lips around him and followed his directions. He filled my mouth with his desire, rocking gently back and forth to assist my pace. Tears filled my eyes as he reached the back of my throat.

“Just like that,” he encouraged in a low voice.

Rory grew even more in my mouth before stopping. He helped me to my feet and pulled down the rest of my nightgown so that I was exposed, but he was still mostly clothed. I motioned at his shirt, and he assisted by pulling it off and completely ridding himself of his pants and underwear. Rory was a lacrosse player and his fit, athletic body was something to behold. He took my hand and led me to the bed, where he guided me onto my back.

His erection was still wet from my mouth as he crawled over me. I opened my legs to receive him. Bobby was still there, in the back of my thoughts, just as he had always been. But right now, I was alone lying naked with my husband, and that could be my only concern.

Rory pushed himself in as if I was a virgin, inching his way inside of me. It still hurt, as I had only had sex a few times before, and unlike Bobby, he didn't use his fingers or mouth to ready me. I think he liked hearing my uncomfortable gasps as he forced his way into me. I dug my fingers into his back and clung to him. But after the first few thrusts, the discomfort subsided, and it felt good to have him inside of me, filling me.

“Lilly, oh baby . . .” he grunted into my ear. “You have the tightest little peach,” he muttered into my neck as he rocked back and forth inside of me.

And then he let out a great sigh, his body contracting and relaxing.

Rory collapsed onto my naked body, a thin layer of perspiration between us, and closed his eyes. I wondered if he would look to see if I bled. But I wasn't some medieval queen. Rory trusted me. And he would have been right to had things not drastically changed yesterday.

He kissed me softly. “That was amazing, Lilly. You were so good.” He brushed my cheekbone with his thumb, rolled over, and fell asleep.

Summer 1957

The air conditioner didn't help me sleep after Rory had stormed out of our house. I laid awake in the bedroom, the low rumble of the cooling unit now replacing the ticking of the clock. I felt that I was close to the edge of something, teetering like I was balancing on the ledge of a building. But I didn't know which way to swing my arms or legs to regain balance. Every choice would lead to falling.

I knew I was close to losing Bobby again, and yet, I didn't trust my own instincts to beg him to run off with me. Bobby had been gone for seven years, he had only been back for a little over three weeks. Was that enough time to be sure? To get up and walk away from my current life? Because that was what we would have to do. We would have to start over. We would lose friends and family. We would be breaking an unbreakable rule.

Late into the night, I heard Rory pulling in. My stomach churned with anxiety. He probably got even drunker. But he didn't come into the bedroom right away. Instead I heard two deep voices reverberating through my door. I cracked the bedroom door open, and heard Bobby and Rory talking downstairs.

Rory was especially coherent. He must have left to sober up instead of drink. Though that was a good thing, it wasn't enough. Rory always did just enough to keep me around, but he always stopped there.

“I know, man,” Rory said to Bobby. “I'm trying. I slipped up today. I didn't think she'd be so mad about the move. It happens all the time! Husbands move their families around. I'm trying to give her a better life.”

“Ro, have you ever really asked her what she wants? Not what you think is a better life for her, but what she thinks is missing?” It was bizarre to hear Bobby counseling his brother about our relationship. I sympathized with how hard this must be for him, both wanting the best for Rory and what was best for himself. I understood why he didn't like who he was becoming. Every word, every hug, every kind gesture towards Rory was stained with our betrayal. Everything Bobby said or did was laced with the poison of a lie so big, that eventually it would consume their brotherhood. What was best for one brother, was devastation for the other. Bobby was faced with an impossible choice when giving Rory advice: betray his brother or himself.

“Bobby, she doesn't know what she wants.”

I did. The problem was Rory could never provide it. He was fighting a battle he had no chance of winning.

“Maybe she's scared to tell you.”

“You know, I had a memory I hadn't thought of in a long time.” Rory changed the subject.

“What's that?” Bobby asked.

“Remember when we were . . . I guess you'd have been seven and I was eight. We would go deep into the forest to climb the thick, old trees? I fell off the tree and broke my ankle.”

“Oh yeah. It's foggy, but I do.”

“The thing was just bent and ugly.”

“Yeah. That I can't forget.”

“And you, for some reason, you didn't want to leave me alone to get help. So you made me piggyback onto you. And you carried me home. I was just a mess. Hurt like hell.”

“Yeah. I did do that, didn't I?” Bobby recalled.

“Yeah you did,” Rory said.

I waited for Rory to add to the story. To interpret it in some way. Maybe ask Bobby why six years ago, he did leave Rory behind. Or for Bobby to ask for more details about the day he carried the full weight of his brother on his back through the unforgiving terrain. A feat for any boy, but a seven-year-old? That's a heroism far beyond his years. But they didn't say anything for several seconds.

Finally Bobby spoke. “I should head to bed. I have a long day tomorrow.”

“I do too. Actually, I'm going to go out of town for a few days. Last minute business.”

“Oh, you just found out?”

“Yeah, some customers in Illinois.” Rory sounded annoyed. The trip was news to me. The guilt I felt over hearing the two brothers bond was tempered by the possibility of more alone time with Bobby.

I slid back into the bedroom and laid in the bed, pretending to sleep.

Minutes later, Rory came in quietly, undressed and slid into bed with me.

“I'm sorry, Lilly” he whispered. It was low, and I don't think his intention was to wake me, so I didn't respond. He turned away and went to sleep.

By the time I got to the kitchen the next morning, both Rory and Bobby were up and moving. I dreaded walking in and facing them after the tense events of the night before.

“Morning,” Bobby greeted me as I entered the kitchen. Rory was sitting with the paper.

“Morning,” I replied.

“Lilly, I have to go out of town. Been called on some last minute business,” Rory announced.

“Okay,” I replied, without a hint of protest. I couldn't even feign surprise. What I was more interested in was Bobby being fully dressed and his rucksack sitting beside his chair at the table.

“You want some toast, Lil?” Bobby asked.

“No . . . actually I'll have a piece if you're making some.” I worked my way over to the coffee, preparing myself to ask the question. I had to do it with the same amount of detachment I felt about Rory's business trip, when inside, my thoughts were swirling with countless scenarios.

I blew into the steamy mug. “You going somewhere?” I jutted my chin at the bag.

“He's going to do a little traveling,” Rory interjected. “I begged him to stick around a while longer, but you know Bobby and his wanderlust—”

“I'll stay in touch,” Bobby added. “I'm just heading west for a bit. I need to figure out what I'm going to do next.”

My chest tightened as if an invisible force was clenching it from the inside. “Oh,” I said. “Well, don't be a stranger, you know.”

“I made sure to make him promise to call at least once a week,” Rory said.

“How long?” I asked.

“A couple of months.”

“And after that?”

“Depends,” Bobby replied.

I looked down at the coffee to take a sip, and noticed the dark liquid sloshing from my trembling hand. I put the cup down on the counter to hide my physical response. Bobby watched the whole thing with sorry eyes as Rory tended to his breakfast. This couldn't be happening. Not again. Bobby couldn't just sweep in and give me a taste of the life I was meant to have and then snatch it away like a thief. I knew things weren't perfect. I knew I had a choice to make. But I didn't trust Bobby's words. I didn't trust I would ever hear from him. It felt like he was dying on me all over again.

“When do you head out?” I asked.

“I'm not in a rush,” Bobby replied. With Rory's back to me, he gave me a subtle nod. A knowing look in his eyes told me there was more to the story. The anxiety of Bobby leaving shifted to nervous anticipation. I wanted an explanation. I wouldn't get that if he left before Rory. I hoped Bobby would linger after Rory left, but I just didn't know. Last night before I went to bed, both Lightlys would be here for the week, and now both were leaving. It was like I was waking up to a different world.

“So where are you headed, hon?” I asked Rory as I picked apart my piece of toast. I couldn't afford to spend my emotions on still being angry at him while I was cashing them all in on Bobby and his surprise departure.

“Illinois. I'll be back Thursday.” He wiped his hands over his plate. “I should go.” He stood up and grabbed his bag. “I'll call when I get there tonight.” He kissed me on the top of the head as I sat in my fog of uncertainty.

Rory made his way over to Bobby, who was leaning against the counter. “Bobby, you don't know how glad I am to have you back. Never be a stranger again,” he said. “We're all we've got.”

“Love you, brother,” Bobby replied. “Always remember that.”

They embraced heartily and Rory headed for the door, looking back one last time at his brother before stepping out the front door.

I thought when he left I would have a million questions. But all I felt was the burning sting of betrayal, so blazing, that it incinerated every thought before it could leave my lips.

“Lil—”

“Don't.” I replied, fighting back the tears. “You don't get to do this twice. You didn't even have the decency to tell me first,” I said through tight lips.

“I thought you'd be up before Rory like you usually are. I wanted to tell you first.”

“When did you decide?”

“Last night. After talking to Rory when he came back. After what we did in this house, I can't keep living here, pretending like it's all fine. Lying to his face every day. And I can't watch you and Rory destroy each other. None of this is right.”

“So you're going to run?” I asked, staring at the mangled pieces of toast on my plate.

“Lil, look at me.”

“No. I can't.” If I looked at Bobby, I would burst.

“Lil—”

“No. Just go. Slip away and vanish like you did last time, you coward. Let me deal with the pain—”

“I want you to come with me.”

I turned in my seat to face him. “What?”

“I thought about this. A lot. And, I want you to come with me. When I left, I kept telling myself that I did what was best. I let Rory win. I let you go. And I couldn't even stand to be around you. I wanted that life I gave away to my brother that badly. But I found solace knowing I did the right thing. That I hurt, but when I would see you both again, I would come here and you would be happy. That's all I needed to see. Then I would be able to deal with the constant ache of missing you. Never did I think I would come back to this. You and Rory were a mistake. He's not the person I thought I left you with—” He looked down, almost ashamed to judge Rory. “Or maybe he was, but you two have brought out the worst in each other.” He stepped closer to me. “Because it wasn't right. It was supposed to be us. And I can't go back and change the horrible decision I made, stepping aside while you married my brother, but I can change things now.”

“I—I don't know what to say.”

“You know what to say. Stop living in this lie.”

“It's so sudden. I don't know how to even start.”

“No, Lil. It's been over six years in the making. You've been dying a slow death in this house. Choose to live again. Come with me.”

I shook my head, trying to untangle the developments of the past few weeks.

“Lil, you’re set to move in a couple of months and I won’t—can’t—follow you around. You know that. This game we’ve been playing, we knew it could never last. It either becomes something real or we let it die. This is the fork in the road. You either commit to Rory and go to Minnesota, or you come west with me. The options couldn’t be more clear.”

“So we're just going to slip out when Rory's out of town?”

“I think it's the best way. I'll handle him. I don't want you getting the brunt of his anger.”

“I don't want you to. You guys can't lose each other over me. I never wanted to be the person to get in between you two.”

“Lil, there's no way that this ends where I have everything. I have to choose. And I choose you. And whether Rory wants it or not, I'll always be there for him.”

I took a deep breath. “How would we do this? Where would we go? Rory said you were leaving today.”

“I'm staying at the motel on 100 tonight. You can think about it on your own today. I leave tomorrow at noon. You just call me and I will come get you and we'll leave. I'm not going to smother you. I want you to make this decision on your own.”

“Tomorrow? That's so fast,” I murmured to myself. “He's gone until Thursday. That's almost a week. Why don't we wait until then? We could have this week here together. Go to the lake? Take our time.”

“Because I'm sick of stealing another week, another minute, another second. I want the rest of our lives. I want forever.”

I cupped my face in my hands as tears poured down my cheeks.

“If you can't leave with me tomorrow, if you aren't that sure about us, then this was never what I thought it was, Lil. I was just an escape for you.”

“Don't say that, Bobby,” I cried. “You were never an escape. You were my pain. You lived in my heart every day and it was never able to heal until you came back.”

Bobby knelt down in front of me, pulling my tear-soaked hands away from my face and gripping them in his. “Lil, no matter what, I'm not leaving like I did before. I'll never vanish again. I'll always be a part of your life. I will check in with you and Rory every week. I will visit. This is not a threat or an ultimatum. It's not me running away. It's me finally stopping the bullshit. Telling myself I'd be content to see you with anyone else. Or that I was okay with just one night with you. I'll never be. So it's all or nothing. And I'll leave it all for you. You understand, Lil? But I am done sharing you. And I need to be upfront with my brother. Even if he hates me for it. I'd rather be hated than a liar. But I can’t be honest with Rory if you stay with him. I won’t do that to you.”

I nodded. I believed Bobby. I didn't want to. I tried to remind myself that he left me for so many years and there was no way I should trust him again. But the day I marched down the aisle towards his brother, in his eyes, I had left him for a lifetime. Deep down, even I knew the only way Rory and I could have a fighting chance was if Bobby left. But even then, Bobby's ghost tore our marriage apart.

Bobby reached for my hand and raised me to my feet. “I'm going to go now. Because I'm not settling for pieces of you anymore. I want all of you. I want to wake up to your face every morning and not have my first thought be 'when will it end?' I want to watch you smile as we travel the coast in my truck. And then, I'll show you the world. And once I've shown it all to you, we'll find a spot where the sun always shines and the breeze always carries us, and we'll have babies who play in the water and climb the tallest trees just like we did. I want your laughter to be the rule, not the exception. And if you want to work, you can work. If you don't, that's okay, because I'll make sure we have everything we need. Rory will be in pain, but then he'll be okay, because he'll realize that his woman is out there still. That his happiness was never with you. Just like you said, we tried to do the right thing, but it was wrong. It's time to do the right thing. Even if it hurts. Even if it means we lose the things that tethered us to some sense of stability.”

I wrapped my arms around Bobby's waist and he enveloped me in his strong arms. Even in that moment of the unknown, his embrace was the safest place in the world.

“I love you,” I wept into his shirt.

“. . . since before I even knew what it was.” His voice shook as it struggled to convey strength.

But I couldn't just leap. I needed to think. This was too sudden. I had a mother and father who were still alive. Bobby didn't have to worry about shaming his parents. I had an entire life, albeit an unsatisfactory one, I had built here. I needed some time alone to think about how I could unfasten myself from the invisible anchor that held me to my station.

“You just come over. You call the motel. However you want to do it. And I will be here in a heartbeat. But I've said my piece. I won't come back and beg anymore. This is something you need to decide for yourself. If you want to come, use today to get your affairs in order. Just come or call before noon.”

I nodded as Bobby wiped a tear from my cheekbone.

“Lil, if you want to make this work, you will. It's as simple as that.”

I gripped his hand. “Please don't go,” I wept frantically. Though I had the choice, something in my gut told me I might never see him again. “Please,” I begged shamelessly.

“Lil, I'm just down the road. We both have some things we need to get in order. No matter what, this isn't goodbye forever.”

“Kiss me.”

Bobby grimaced as if it took every fiber of his being. “Not until you're done with Rory.”

Salty tears ran over my lips. There was a lot I could accept, but I couldn't accept Bobby not kissing me at this moment.

“Kiss me.”

“Lil, don't do this. It's not fair,” he begged.

I looked into his eyes, the color of the lake on a late afternoon, when the sun's reflection would dance along the ridges of water. His eyes always took me to place of warmth and comfort. I could look into his eyes, no matter where I was, and be home. But I needed more. I needed to taste his lips. I needed his strength if I was going to shed my old life like dead, useless skin.

Bobby brushed back a sweaty lock of hair that had stuck to my temple, and relented. He softly placed his lips on my mouth, sliding his tongue against mine. I peppered his full pout with kisses and gentle tugs. Then his fingers wove into my hair, balling his hand fiercely as we tasted the bittersweet of years of unspoken words from each other's lips.

“No, Lil,” he grumbled, pushing me onto the kitchen table. “We can't keep caving.” A traitor to his words, he grazed his teeth along my collarbone, then up the long curve of my neck.

“I need you,” I cooed. “I need to feel you.” To be reminded of what it was like to just be us again. Without rules.

“I can't,” he heaved as he pulled my legs apart. Bobby ran his hands up my thighs and along my nightgown, pulling up the gauzy fabric. His thumbs stopped at the crease of my thighs.

“No underwear?” he muttered.

“For you. Only for you.”

I couldn't bear Rory's touch and hadn't let him lay his hands on me since Bobby's arrival, besides the disastrous incident in the backseat of our car.

Bobby tensed up, as if he had found a new well of strength to resist me, but I needed to steal that strength. My heart needed it to coerce my mind, strong with thoughts of doubt, fear, and misguided loyalties.

I slid down the straps of my nightgown, exposing my tight breasts to him. “Suck on them, Bobby.”

He bit his own lip so hard, trying to hold back, I thought it might bleed. I reached up, and with a gentle tug against the lip with my thumb, I freed it from the battle. He closed his eyes and sighed as I glided my thumb back against his lips, coaxing it into their soft grip. The fleshiness of his pout was contrasted by the sharpness of his bite clasping the edge of my thumb, sinking his teeth into the fruit of temptation.

I pulled my hand back, luring him closer, like a snake charmer. “Use those teeth on

me . . . those lips . . . that tongue,” I barely rasped into his ear.

He ran a thumb over one of the nipples, hardening it. But just before he placed his lips on it, he rested his forehead against my chest. “Lil, I promised myself, not here anymore. Not until you came with me.”

“It's just us,” I begged. “This is just a place.”

He let out a massive sigh, kissing my breastbone, the plump paleness of my breast, and working his way to the peak, where he used the tip of his tongue to draw out a careless moan from my lips. Flaxen rays of light snuck through the window, onto my exposed skin, illuminating the tiny goosebumps his mouth cajoled. I arched my spine towards Bobby, begging him with my body to make the doubt and fear disappear.

“I'd do anything for you, Lil,” Bobby murmured into my neck.

I braced his face so that his eyes would meet mine and I kissed him everywhere my lips could land, spreading the taste of my tears across his face.

He pulled my hips to the edge of the table, reaching in his pants to pull himself out. A pleasant, anxious fluttering surged in my stomach at the sight of his throbbing phallus, gripped in his thick fingers. My dewy opening blossomed like a morning flower at the promise of Bobby boring into me. When he did, I wrapped my legs around his hips as I drew out a cry into his neck. Rory's discarded breakfast plate and my battered toast clattered on the table, skittering little by little with each thrust, until one of the plates crashed to the floor. But it didn't matter. This place was an artifact. My heart was already imagining a new future.

Bobby's girth inside of me, so tight that I could hardly breathe, took my focus. It dampened the screaming voices of trepidation. It dulled the sharp stabbing of fear.

“I can't live without you,” I gasped into Bobby's lips. “I can't go back.”

“You're my goddamned heartbeat,” he answered against mine.

Our bodies melted into each other, like hot caramel, so that we could no longer tell where one person ended and the other began. Just a messy haze of sweat, tears, and skin. We were linked in ways that we could never break. That distance, time, and duty could not separate.