Текст книги "Swelter"

Автор книги: Nina G. Jones

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Текущая страница: 7 (всего у книги 16 страниц)

“That's lovely,” I said.

“Yeah. It stuck because I was young and I didn't understand adult relationships, but I felt really safe watching it. Like, I knew because they loved each other, me and Rory were okay. And then my next thought was who I would want to dance with, and the person who came to mind, without hesitation, was you.”

I took a deep breath and sighed. Sometimes it hurt to hear these things. It only reminded me of how I had been so blind and naive to miss Bobby's feelings for me.

“I didn't understand what that meant at the time. I didn't for a long time,” he added.

I sat down behind him and opened my legs to wrap myself around his much larger frame, resting my cheek on his bare upper back and hooking my arms around his torso.

“Your parents were so in love, weren't they?” I asked. It was something I remembered from childhood, how I always saw them laughing together, stealing glances that they thought we were too young to comprehend. But like Bobby said, even when you didn't understand it, you felt it.

“Yeah, they were.”

“Do you miss them?”

“All the time.” He looked up at the ceiling, drawing a deep breath. “I didn't find out until after the funeral. I was out of range for a while. And it's hard to explain, but during that time, I thought they were still alive when they weren't and the world felt right. The only thing that had changed is that I knew they had died. So I chose to believe they are still out there together and I just can't see them.”

“That's a nice way to think of it.”

“It's good they died together. I don't think either one would have survived the pain of losing the other.”

“As sad as that sounds, you're probably right,” I replied.

Bobby bowed his head for a moment, then shook it wildly as if trying to expel the pain of the loss. He stood up sharply, leaving me sitting on the floor with my legs spread.

He put the Billie record on the player, bending to find the track before dropping the needle. Billie began to sing “All of Me,” filled with the soul and pain that her voice had a magical way of summoning.

Bobby turned around and offered me his hand. “I don't think we've danced enough tonight.”

I extended my hand to meet his. “I think you're right.”

He wrapped his hand around my waist, the other interlinked with mine, as we swayed side to side. He stepped in broad circles, leading me around the open space.

“This is the song,” he murmured in my ear.

I shook my head softly and looked down with a shy smile. “So, I guess you do get to dance with me to it after all.”

We both sang the lyrics softly, our bodies swinging together like tall grass in the breeze. I rested my head against his chest as he rested his chin on the top of my head. The song came to a close, and we stopped, but we just stood there for a while, not letting go.

“Can I ask you something?” Bobby asked me as we lay intertwined of the floor of the lake house.

“Sure.”

“Children.”

“That's not a question,” I teased, resting my chin on Bobby's chest to gaze up at him.

“You said you had been trying. Did you want them with Rory?”

“It was part of the plan. I guess I did at some point, but it's just not happening.” As soon as I answered, I wondered if Bobby might see me as faulty. A barren woman. “Honestly, as time went on and it didn't happen, I was grateful. I know that sounds horrible, but right now Rory's in no condition.”

“But that issue might be the reason why.”

“I suppose.”

I couldn't help but think that this happened for a reason. Like the close call Bobby had in the war. Maybe Rory and I didn't have children because I wasn't meant to be with him. Maybe I was meant to have children with someone else. Maybe the universe was telling us all something.

“I think it's him, Bobby.”

“What?”

“I went to the doctor to get looked at. We did a bunch of tests and he says he sees no reasons why I shouldn't be 'popping out a brood,’ were his exact words.”

“That's great news.”

“But Rory refuses to get checked. He got so upset when I first mentioned it. I never told him I was looked at. I thought I could soften it by saying we could both go together. That way it didn't seem like I was already blaming him.”

He sighed. “He's going through a lot, isn't he?”

“I think so Bobby. I don't know. You're the only person he would really talk to, and you left.”

“Yeah. I hurt a lot of people.”

“I didn't mean it that way. I'm sorry.”

“No, it's okay. It's the truth. I left you all to deal with repercussions because I couldn't.”

It was true. As happy as I was to have Bobby back, a tiny black speck of fear lived in my heart, thinking if things got too painful again, he would vanish.

“I thought we weren't going to talk about these things tonight. I thought this was just us.”

His chest rose and fell with a gentle laugh. “You're right. Just us, Lil.”

“But, I do have a question for you,” I mentioned meekly.

His chest undulated with a small laugh. “Oh you do? And what’s that?”

“Seven years is a long time.” I ran a finger between the small mounds of his abdomen. “Was there ever someone else?”

His chest sunk with a deep breath. “I guess it depends what you mean by that. You’re right. Seven years is a long time. And I’m only human—”

“Of course, Bobby and there’s no reason to be apologetic. But I meant, was there ever someone special?”

He pondered for a moment and then shook his head. “Just you, Lil.” He brushed against the tip of my nose with his knuckle. “Just you.”

I offered a sad smile and kissed his chest.

“Why did you ask then? If it doesn’t bother you?”

“I wouldn’t say the thought of you with another woman doesn’t bother me. Heck, I’ve always been jealous of you and other girls. Just that you don’t have to apologize for it. I guess...I just wanted to know that you weren’t alone. That at least sometimes you had someone there. That even if it wasn’t me, you had someone to make you feel this way or something like it.” I locked my eyes on his earnestly.

He smiled wistfully, tenderly caressing the top of my head. “Just you,” he repeated throatily.

“Just you,” I echoed gently. I rested my head back down on his chest and listened to the beat of his heart, letting it drift me into the deepest sleep I’d had since the summer heat had stolen it from me.

I woke up feeling more refreshed in as long as I could remember. It could have been the clean country air, being back at the lake house or being with Bobby. Maybe it was all of those things.

But when I opened my eyes, Bobby wasn't there.

I sat up, scanning the area to spot his presence, but I saw nothing. Had Bobby left again? Had he panicked, realizing we had just repeated the great sin of our past, and ran? I stood up just as the front door opened. Bobby paraded in shirtless and smiling.

“There's no food here, so I was going to try and surprise you, but,” he pointed at me, “you're wearing my shirt.”

I looked down and felt at myself, remembering every little detail about the night before. “You mean you won't go into town shirtless?” I asked sarcastically.

“Only if you go bottomless, just like that,” he pointed.

I sucked my teeth. “Fine, you can have it back. Good morning by the way,” I sassed.

“And a fine morning to you,” he sassed back.

I made the choice to stay there in front of him as I slowly unbuttoned each button, tauntingly gliding the shirt down my shoulders as I stood there, fresh sunlight pouring in, illuminating my bare skin.

His eyes roved over me. “Well,” he huffed. “That's a sight to behold.”

But today we weren't boyfriend and girlfriend, we were back to Lilly, his brother's wife, and Bobby, my brother in law. At least that's what I thought. We chose not to talk about it the night before and that made for unclear rules this morning.

I snatched my dress from the sofa and slid it on.

“I'm coming with,” I said.

He smiled. “Good. It's about time you did something around here.” He winked, feigning the disgruntled husband. Oh, I had lived plenty of that reality.

“But first, where are my shoes?” I asked.

“I believe I may have spotted one outside.” His smirk made my stomach tingle with recollections of the night we had just shared.

We hopped in the pickup and headed towards the one general store in town. The bells chimed as we stepped in, but no one was to be found.

“So, what are you thinking for breakfast?” I asked.

“You decide. Whatever you want.”

“I'm hungry. Starved.” I reached for a bag of potatoes. “Home fries.” I grabbed a loaf of bread. “French toast.” I walked up and down the aisles. “Where's the bacon?” I muttered.

“Sure you're not expecting?” he asked, peeking his head through an opening on the shelf.

I sneered at him, reaching through the shelves for a love tap, but he ducked. I ran around the aisle to catch him, but he was gone. Then I felt arms scoop around me from behind and I yelped as he lifted me off the floor.

I cackled as I wrestled from his grip. “If you keep this up, I'm going to make you my meatloaf!” I shouted, self-deprecatingly.

“Oh no, not the meatloaf.”

He put me to my feet and I spun around. “You said you LOVED my meatloaf,” I poked at his chest.

He put his hands up. “I do. I did. I swear. I'm just messing with you. You were the one who insulted your own loaf.”

“That's when you were supposed to then compliment it! I made it so easy for you to win me over. Take this loaf!” I hurled my loaf of bread a him, and he caught it, then he grabbed my forearm and pulled me in for a kiss. I guess I didn't quite understand what today's rules were. As our lips locked, footsteps marched in from the back of the store. An older man plopped a box on the counter and we hastily pulled away from each other.

“Good morning,” he called out. “Let me know if you need any help.”

“Thank you,” I answered. “Actually, we just need some eggs and bacon and we'll be on our way.”

“Let me just grab that for you. Meet me up at the counter.”

I recognized the man as soon as he placed the eggs and bacon on the counter alongside our other things. He had owned this store, I think since it had opened. He began to tally the items, when he squinted at Bobby.

“Heeeey, aren't you the Lightlys' boy?”

“Yes I am.” He smiled.

“Ooooh, my goodness, I haven't seen a Lightly in these parts, what has it been, five . . . six years?”

“Sounds about right,” he replied.

The man looked over at me. “And you, you used to be in these parts all the time as well. One of the Gales' daughters.”

“Yes, I spent summers with the Lightlys. My family would stay in one of the cabins on their property.”

“Ooooh,” he murmured. “Well you two look so grown.” He bagged a few items before acknowledging Bobby. “By the way, I am so sorry about your parents. They were just the finest people.”

“Thank you,” Bobby replied somberly.

“You know, I could have sworn you married Rory,” the man chuckled. “I went to your wedding, but maybe my age is showing.”

I grew nauseous with shame. Even here. Our place. Our escape. We could not escape the wrong we had committed. We could not escape the ever present cloud of our loyalties.

“I, uh, I'm going to go wait in the truck,” I said with a thin smile.

I felt Bobby's concerned stare, but I didn't look back as the bells on the door signaled my exit.

Bobby came to the truck with two bags full of the essentials we had bought. My aura had grown tense and silent. What exactly were we doing here? Was this an affair? Would we go back home and pretend this never happened? Or was this the start of something more frightening—the thing I had longed for for seven painful years?

I ripped through the tense silence. “I should head home.”

“What about breakfast?”

“I forgot Rory might call and he'll be concerned if we don't answer.” It was a half-truth. Rory wouldn't panic for a few days. I often missed his calls while running errands, but it sounded like a good enough excuse.

“Is this because of what Mr. Cooper said in there? He was just an old man making small talk.”

“You think he doesn't know, Bobby? He watched us grow up. He saw us kissing. He was at the wedding.”

“So what?”

“So … I just—I have to go back there no matter what. I am married to Rory. We are legally bound. You can just walk away whenever you want. The stakes are higher for me.”

“You'd think I'd leave you behind?”

“You did before, didn't you?”

He sighed, arching his neck up. “Lil, it's different now. And yes, on paper you may be more bound to Rory, but he's my brother. He's my blood. He's the only immediate family I have left. The stakes are pretty high for me, too.”

I looked out the window to the general store, where I had already felt the shunning of an adulteress, whether or not it was intentional. Bobby and I would have to go far, far away if we ever wanted a normal life. We would have to leave behind everything we knew. No one would accept us. Not my family or his. So much had changed in the last few years, but not this dilemma.

“If I could press a button and stop loving you, I would,” Bobby proclaimed.

Faced with the imaginary prospect of not loving Bobby, I went from needing to run back home, to wanting to stand my ground and defend my feelings for Bobby. “I wouldn't.”

“Then I would do it for you. You would be so much happier if you didn't.”

I looked out the window and shook my head in protest.

“Listen, Lil,” Bobby placed his hand on my lap. “I was thinking this morning. I wanted to use the next couple of weeks to fix the place up. Do the things Rory has been too busy to do. And I wanted you to stay out here with me.”

“But he's gonna call home.”

“There's a pay phone right there. I can call his hotel, tell him the plans, tell him you'll be traveling up here to help most days. Because you will be helping.” He grinned.

“You're signing me up for hard labor?” I joked.

“You're pretty strong, Lil. I need someone to carry the lumber for me.”

The doubt and fear was melting away with the warmth of Bobby's smile. The prospect was too tempting: Me and Bobby, alone for two weeks. No need to sneak or pretend. A literal fantasy come to life.

“We could have at least some time together, Lil. Our time.”

“And then what? What happens in two weeks?”

“The future will be here. We'll figure it out then.” That was Bobby, he never looked ahead with fear. “Let's just live in these two weeks. Let's pretend when we got out of that attic everyone had gone and left the place to us. This time is a gift.”

I pondered his argument for a second, though I already knew what my heart had decided. “I don't have any clothes with me. Just this dress.”

“You won't need much to wear back at the house,” he smirked mischievously. “Besides, I am sure there's stuff in the closets.”

“What about the Fourth of July cookout we were supposed to plan?”

“We can do some of it from here. Why don't you call Barbie and ask for some help?”

I looked up at him, unable to contain the smile that the demons of guilt tried to steal. “Should you call him, or should I?”

Seven years earlier

The women in the bridal suite giggled and laughed. Happiness was all around me, but it was not inside of me. Their sweet sounds were like the cackling of hens, and my head throbbed, an unrelenting thud that continued to persist and only became worse as the wedding hour came closer.

“Lilly? Lilly?” My mother's voice was as faint as if I were drowning underwater. I rubbed my temples as I looked up. In the mirror was a girl who looked innocent and sweet, with apricot cheeks and blush pink lips, her long hair pinned up into a collection of swirls. But that girl was no longer innocent. She had lost that the night before when she truly realized that adulthood meant duty over desire. Loyalty over love. Her innocence was left on the bloodied nightgown stuffed at the bottom of the trash. “Honey, when do you want to put on the dress?” There was an hour left before I had to be by the lake, waiting to be walked down the aisle by my father. I was sick of being poked and prodded. I just needed to think. I needed silence. The thudding grew louder and harder.

“Can everyone just be quiet?” I snapped. My sister and two cousins stopped their chatter instantly, looking over at me with confused expressions.

“Mother, I can put the dress on myself. I have a headache and I just want to be alone. Can everyone just go down to the lake, please? I'll be down there when I'm ready.”

The girls murmured to each other as they grabbed their things and shuffled out of the room. My mother bent over and laid a hand on my shoulder. “Lilly? Is everything okay?”

“Yes. I promise. I just want to savor the moment alone, and I think the silence will rid me of the headache.” I watched her look of concern in the mirror as she hesitated before nodding. I wasn't the type to snap. I had taken the wedding in relative stride up until this point, perhaps because it wasn't the thing I wanted more than anything. So I gave myself permission to put my feelings first for a moment before I was about to put the feelings of my future husband before mine.

“Okay. If you need anything . . .”

“I'm all ready to go. I just have to slide on this dress,” I assured her.

She nodded once more before leaving and closing the door behind her.

The headache instantly dulled, but there was still an ache. And I knew why. I hadn't so much as caught a glimpse of Bobby since the attic, and I wondered what he was doing—if he thought that letting me do this was a mistake. I just wanted to see him one last time before I was Rory's forever. But there was no time. The area was spread out and I didn't know where he was or whose company he was in.

I tried not to cry and ruin my bridal makeup, so instead I walked aimlessly around the room taking deep breaths to hold in the panic, hoping some magical escape would find me. Still restless, I plopped onto the vanity stool.

I wasn't ready to put on the dress. That would make my fate too finite. I still held onto hope. There was still time for things to change. I looked over to my dress, hanging from the wardrobe door, its delicate ivory lace and satin shimmering in the afternoon sunlight. But to me, reaching for that gown felt like reaching for my own straightjacket. My eyes moved over to the veil. The finest handmade French lace, designed to sweep my shoulders. That seemed like an easier starting point. Less suffocating than the full body embrace of a gown. I reached for the box and opened it at the vanity. I pulled out the fabric, as thin and fragile as butterfly wings, and slid the comb into my hair. It cascaded down my nape. The lace caressing my shoulders should have felt reassuring, like a dear friend comforting me. But I felt each thread, each fiber, scraping against my soft skin like microscopic razors. Nothing felt right.

No one imagines they'll wear a white on the saddest day of their life.

Then there was a knock on the door.

“I said I'd be there!” I shouted.

“Lil. It's me,” Bobby's voice called from the other side.

I ran to the door so fast I almost tripped, whipping it open. My smile met a serious face, as if he were preparing for a funeral rather than a wedding.

I now saw Bobby through a new lens that I couldn’t remove. Even in this distressing moment, my mind took notes of how strikingly handsome he looked, dressed formally for the wedding.

He cleared his throat. “Wow. You look . . . beautiful.”

“Thank you.”

“Uh, Rory asked me to personally deliver this,” he said, handing me a small box.

“Oh.” I grabbed it out of his hands. “Come in.” I stepped aside as he stepped in just enough for me to close the door. He was trying so hard to be the good brother, I felt his restraint strangling him.

I opened the box. Inside was a small card. It read:

To my Lilly, the most beautiful flower in the meadow. I can't wait to meet you down the aisle.

It was sweet and heartfelt. Those were the things about Rory I loved. He adored me. And I thought that was enough. Inside the box was a necklace with a lily charm at its center. It was pretty, but I didn't want to put it on. It would be another step closer to never having Bobby again.

I looked up at Bobby as the necklace dangled from my fingers. He was leaning against the wall by the door, his arms and legs crossed as if he were trying to reign himself in. He was dressed in a grey morning suit, his normally tousled hair slicked back. He wouldn't look at me.

“Bobby, I can't do this,” I muttered, my eyes brimming with tears.

As if my words ripped off the shackles of his loyalty, he looked up at me and said soberly, “I don't want you to, Lil.”

I placed the necklace on the vanity and walked up to him. “What are we gonna do?”

Bobby scrunched his face. “This is all so messed up.” He riffled his fingers through his hair, ruining the style he had groomed for the wedding. “Listen. I couldn't stop thinking about it today. And you just left without saying anything. I thought you thought it was a mistake.”

“No . . . never. I just couldn't say goodbye.”

His eyes turned down as if he understood precisely what I meant. But then he looked back up with me, with the last bit of resolve he had left. “My grandparents each gave us rings. They're heirlooms. One on my mother's side, one my father's. They keep them here in a jewelry box. I grabbed the one that I was supposed to give to someone one day. I want you to have it.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, confused by the implications of this gesture.

“Let's go. Let's get out of here. We can take a car and drive as far as we can go until there's no gas and then we'll call. We'll tell them the truth,” he said frantically.

My heart soared and dipped over and over, realizing Bobby hadn't given up, but understanding that his words were that of desperation.

“They'd probably disown us. We don't have money on hand.”

“So what if they do? Lil, this is it. Once you go down that aisle, there is no coming back.”

He pulled the ring out of his pocket. Rimmed with a gorgeous silver filigree, a pale apricot circular stone sat nestled in the center, encircled by tiny white diamonds.

“I know, I know.” I shook my head. Everything was changing so fast and I just needed to breathe. I needed more time.

“If you don't want to . . . if you love Rory more than me, understand I want you to stay. I won't ever hold it against you.”

“No. I don't. Not even close.”

“I just want you to know that. If there is anyone other than me I would want you to be with, it's him. Okay? But if you don't. If you want to go. I'll leave it all behind. We can travel. I'll support us. I'll fix cars, construction, whatever.”

“I don't know,” I said. “This is crazy. I want to be with you, but I don't know if I can do this.”

Bobby slid the ring on my finger. “It's yours no matter what,” he promised.

“I love you, Bobby. I thought I could try to forget last night and go back to Rory. But, I can't.”

Bobby pulled me to him by my waist, pressing me against him, and kissed me so hard that if I wasn't being held, I'd topple over. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back.

“Don't go, Lil,” he pleaded, kissing my lips, my cheeks, my temple, as if this were the last time his lips might touch me.

I reached down to the waistband of his pants. He grabbed my wrists and looked over his shoulder. “What if —”

“I told them all to leave and not come back.” That was the truth, but secretly, I hoped someone would find us. That I wouldn't have to look Rory in the eyes and tell him. If there was a god, this would be the sign. Someone would find us and tell on us and we'd be shamed, but we'd be free.

He brushed my veil off my shoulders, cupped my face in his hands and dipped lower to kiss me, drawing on my lips with gentle bites. I stumbled back to the vanity, knocking over the jewels and makeup which rested on it as Bobby hoisted me onto its surface. We rushed. Me hiking up my slip, Bobby undoing his trousers. No matter what our fate, there wasn't much time left before we would run or stay.

Bobby locked his eyes on mine, something we were too shy to do the night before. Already things had grown between us. He pushed into me, as I grimaced in a mixture of pleasure and pain. I had only had sex twice before and I was still just as tight. I gripped the edges of the vanity as his shaft disappeared into me, and then I twined my arms around him as he did the same to me.

The vanity rocked violently, shaking the few items that remained on its surface, including the necklace Rory sent. I watched as it slowly hopped to the edge and slipped to the floor.

I bit down on my lip, trying not to cry out Bobby's name as he pistoned into me. Each time we had sex it got better, as I became a little more relaxed. The sensations this allowed me to feel forced me to break my stare with Bobby, so I could bury my face into his chest and bellow his name.

Just then, there was a knock on the door. We tried to pull ourselves apart, but it flung open as we frantically decoupled. It was Julia. Simultaneously my prayers had been answered and my nightmares became a reality.

Her eyes grew with shock, but in second her expression morphed into stone. If anything she seemed more exhausted than shocked.

“Jules . . . I'm sorry,” Bobby panted, pushing himself back into his pants.

She rolled her eyes, ignoring Bobby and making direct eye contact with me.

“Wait, let me just explain,” I said.

She shook her head disapprovingly. “Mom sent me to check on you and make sure you were okay. You need to get ready for the wedding. Both of you. I'll be waiting outside the door,” she said, closing it firmly.