Текст книги "Lovestrong"
Автор книги: Nikki Groom
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Текущая страница: 2 (всего у книги 11 страниц)
Chapter 2
“Right, I think that’s everything.” I flip the top of my suitcase over and press down hard on the top to try and get it to close. Arianna and Denham offered for me to stay here for a couple of days instead of a hotel after I moved out of my apartment. I was grateful, as I wanted to spend as much time with Ari as I possibly could before leaving. I only just had her back and now we were going to be apart again, but this time it’s my choice to leave. A violent and toxic relationship drove her away before, and I was beyond lucky to have her come back to Vegas, and me, and ultimately she found Denham, her soul mate. But it was that bitter, twisted ex-partner of hers that came back to haunt us, and he pressed the destruct button on life as we knew it. I don’t know if it’s harder leaving Arianna after all we’ve been through, or leaving Spike. They’re the most important people in my life, and I don’t know how it’s going to be, embarking on a new journey without them, but I know it’s what I have to do right now.
“My mom told me to tell you that she loves you and to behave while you’re away,” Ari says, looking at me with raised brows. Her mom always called me the wild one, but never frowned upon me for being who I am. “She wanted to come and see you but Brent is working away in Hawaii and she’s going with him.”
“She really landed on her feet when she found him, didn’t she?”
“Yep, she really did. She wants updates of everywhere you visit.” She rolls her eyes, but with an affectionate smile. I’ve always been close with Ari’s mom, much closer than I am with my own, and I’ll miss her face while I’m gone. I’ll be sure to keep her updated with everything. “Do you have to go?” Ari plops herself on the end of the bed and pouts dramatically.
“Yes.” I place my hand on her knee and she slides her hand over mine.
“Really, really?”
“Yes, Ari. Really really.”
“But you could stay.” She looks at me with empty hopefulness, knowing there’s nothing she can do to change my mind. I’m a stubborn bitch and even if I had changed my mind about going, I would still go through with it. I’m that stubborn.
“I could. But I’m not going to.”
“Not even for me?” She flashes me a smile, which makes me laugh, and very nearly makes me change my mind. What am I going to do without my best friend?
“Ari. Your sweet smile won’t work this time.”
“Pleeeeeeeeease.”
“Don’t make this harder than it already is, okay? I don’t want to leave you. Of course I don’t. But you know why I’m doing this.” I swing my legs off the bed and sit down next to her, nudging her shoulder. “You’ve got your happily ever after, babe. And I’m so damn happy for you, and D. You’ll be just fine. More than fine.”
“I know I’ll be fine, but what about you? You don’t even have somewhere to stay when you get there, do you? What if you end up on the streets? You do know that it’s fucking cold in England in October.”
“There’s a hotel at the airport, I’ve booked in for the first night so I can get some rest before I go in to the city. I want to see where fate takes me, Ari. No planning. No baggage.”
“You’re really doing this.” She resigns herself with a huff.
“I really am.”
“Okay, here, I want you to have this.” Arianna hands me a small neatly wrapped, white package and I take it eagerly. She knows I love presents.
“I need to leave more often if I get gifts.”
“Uh, no. You leave just this once and you come back safe. Hear me?”
“What is it?” I ask, ignoring her demands and trying to shake off the seriousness for a minute. I shake the box she just handed me to see if it rattles.
“Don’t shake it,” she scolds. “Just open it like any normal person would.”
This makes me laugh. “I’m far from normal, Ari, and that’s why you love me.” I kiss her on the cheek and she shakes her head affectionately with a small laugh. I make light work of the pretty wrapping that she probably spent ages over, making sure it was just right.
A black box is revealed with gold embossed writing on it. “Alex and Ani,” I say quietly before wiggling the lid off excitedly. Ari knows I love Alex and Ani jewelry. “Oh, Ari. It’s gorgeous,” I whisper, overwhelmed by the fact that today I’m leaving her behind and I have no idea for how long. Maybe I’ll never come back.
“It’s a St. Christopher charm,” she informs me, talking in a chirpy voice that I know is to hide the inevitable sadness that’s coming. “It’s to keep you safe on your travels. I want you to come home in one piece and sooner rather than later, please. Okay?” Her voice breaks on the last word and I close my eyes tight to try and gain some composure before looking at her.
“Did you buy this to make me cry? Are you trying to break my hard as nails reputation, Ari?” I joke, trying to make light of the situation. I know how hard this is going to be for both of us, especially after everything Arianna has been through. The tough times and tragedies of the last few months have solidified our friendship and pushed us even closer together. I almost feel like she’s part of me. She is part of me, in my heart. “You know I have to do this, right?” I say quietly, resting my head softly on her shoulder.
“I know.”
My chest aches with the heavy burden of sadness, apprehension, and the feeling of loss. A tear that I had managed to hold back behind my lids pushes its way out and runs slowly down my cheek before dropping and settling on Arianna’s shoulder.
“Sorry to interrupt, girls. Your cab will be here in a minute, Lotts,” Denham says softly from the doorway.
I take a huge breath and rub my palms on my thighs before standing up. “Okay, come here.” I gesture to Ari, opening my arms wide. She jumps up and into my arms, hugging me tight and burying her head in to my shoulder. “I’m going to miss you so much, Ari,” I mumble into her hair. She responds with a nod and a sniffle. I pull back and place my hands on her cheeks and make her look at me. “You call me, day or night, if you need me for anything. Okay? Anything. I mean it, Ari.”
“I will, I promise.” She swipes at the tears tracing down her cheeks. “The same goes for you, too. Okay? You need money, or anything, you call me,” she insists.
“You got it.” I kiss her on the cheek and take a deep breath before grabbing my suitcase off of the bed. “This thing weighs a ton,” I mumble to myself as it drops to the floor with a thud. I grab the handle and wheel it toward Denham who is still standing in the doorway watching our emotional exchange with glistening eyes. He moves aside to let me pass, and I make it across the apartment to the door without looking back.
“Lotts?” Ari calls out as her and Denham follow behind me, and I turn to look at her.
“Yes, babe?” I answer, taking a deep breath.
“Are you sure I can’t change your mind?” she asks hopefully in a last ditch attempt to change my mind.
I laugh softly because that would be the easier option, wouldn’t it? I glance across the hall at the door to Spike’s apartment. “Nope,” I reply with a sigh. “I have to do this.”
“I don’t want you to go.”
I let go of my suitcase and step forward. “I know. But I have to do this, Ari.”
“If you’d just give him a little more time, I know he’d−”
“Don’t, Ari. I could give him weeks, months, but it wouldn’t change anything. He doesn’t want me.” Never have there been words that were harder to say out loud.
“He does want you,” she insists desperately. “He’s just too proud to admit it. He’s lost the use of his legs, Lottie. How do you expect him to feel?”
“Arianna,” I sigh.
“I know. I know. I’m sorry,” she pouts, “But, London is a nine hour flight away.” She steps forward and grabs my hands, holding them tightly.
“I know. I’ll video call you, all the time.”
“You better.” Ari lets go of my hands and flings her arms around my neck.
Do not cry. Do not cry. I chant this mantra in my head over and over, but it’s futile.
Denham joins in, encasing us in a group hug. When he feels Ari start sobbing, he pulls away.
“Okay, Lotts. You ready to go?” he asks, grabbing my suitcase for me.
I give a small nod. “I love you, Ari,” I whisper. The small voice is all I can manage without breaking down. I knew this would be hard. I had tried to prepare myself for Arianna’s tearful goodbye, but it’s killing me inside. I already feel incomplete without her. She nods, pulling her lips tight to stop the sobs from escaping and I give myself a pep talk. It’s not like I’m never coming back, or even that I’ll be gone that long, I think. But everything we’ve been through together makes this goodbye one of the hardest I’ve ever had to endure.
“Okay. I can’t do this with you standing at the door and crying like a baby.” I swipe the tears from my cheeks and take a deep breath to try and compose myself. “You take care of her, D-man.” It’s actually the one thing I’m sure of. He’s so in love with Ari that he would lay down his life for her, and as much as this makes it easier for me to leave her, knowing she’s in safe hands, it also reminds me of what I’ve lost.
“Don’t you worry about Arianna. Take care of you, okay?” he says, rubbing my shoulder gently.
“Yep.”
“Call me if you need anything, day or night,” he orders, and his protectiveness over me makes this harder than just leaving Ari. I’m leaving a family behind, a family that was once mine.
“Yes, sir,” I sob, needing to get this over with now.
“You sure I can’t drive you to the airport?” he asks.
“Nope, cab’s waiting.” I step back and jab the elevator button. “Now please take my girl inside, shut the door, then screw her brains out to keep her from thinking about me, okay?” I request, pulling a laugh from both of them as Denham shakes his head at my unapologetic words.
“Okay,” he chuckles, stepping back from the threshold. “Take it easy, Lotts.”
“You too, D.”
“Love ya,” he says quietly, which somehow makes me cry harder.
“Uh huh,” I reply, swallowing hard and unable to form any more words.
I glance over to Spike’s door one last time. A tiny part of me thought he might be here when I left. I wanted him here, I think. And I don’t like the fact that we didn’t part as friends. Other than Ari, he was my best friend.
“I love you, Lottie!” Arianna calls out as the elevator doors start to close.
“I love you too, babe,” I call back just before the doors shut. Another small piece of me wishes Spike would stop me from leaving. I want him to chase after me, to tell me he loves me and that we will live happily ever after, but I tuck that little thought far away in the recesses of my mind. I know that’s just a fairytale ending and those don’t happen in my world.
Chapter 3
I shove the mug of coffee away from me and it hits the kitchen wall with a crash. The mug is broken beyond repair. There’s too many pieces to put it back together. Too much damage done to ever be the same again. “For fuck’s sake,” I curse through gritted teeth. I hadn’t intended on it breaking. I drop my head in my hands and fight with myself to keep a handle on my emotions. It’s all I seem to spend my days doing lately. Trying to keep it together, trying to convince myself that life will be worth living again, one day, maybe. But right now, I can’t see it. I can’t see anything but the blur of my life through the tears in my eyes.
“Spike, shit, are you okay?” Arianna comes rushing through the door, her eyes wide with panic.
“I’m fine.” I’m anything but fine, but what else is there to say?
“Let me help you.”
“NO!” I shout, instantly feeling guilty for making Arianna jump at my sharp tone of voice. “Please, Ari. I can sort it, okay?” She steps back, giving me space to wheel past her to get a cloth. I clear up the work top, picking up the shards of broken ceramic and dropping them in the sink. I feel Arianna watching me, her sorrow an ever present weight in the air around us.
“I’m sorry, Spike,” she whispers, dropping her chin to her chest.
“Ari … Just stop, okay?” I sigh, I don’t have enough strength to pick her up too.
“But−”
“No,” I interrupt bluntly. “It’s not your fault. That crazy motherfucker would have done something sooner or later. It was always in the cards; we just didn’t know it. So enough with the apologies.” Dread pours over me as I realize that although I suffered at the hands of Jonny, it could have been much worse, it could have been Lottie. That car came so close to hitting her. It could have been me watching her life disintegrate in front of my eyes and that would have been a thousand times more torturous than suffering it myself. I will gladly take this burden if it means that she’s okay.
“Lottie just left,” she says quietly and it’s clear that it feels raw for her. She looks tired and I begin to think of everything she’s been through recently too.
“I know.” I heard her leave. I listened as she said her goodbyes and the elevator doors closed. I fought to keep my heart beating, even it felt like it was being ripped out of my chest and she was taking it with her.
“You could have−”
“Don’t even say it, Arianna,” I warn, giving her a stern look. “It’s bad enough that I have to live with this shitty existence day to day. I won’t do that to her too.”
“Spike,” she huffs. I know she’s frustrated with me. I’m frustrated with me. But I’ve made this decision feeling certain that it’s the right one for Lottie.
“It’s not up for discussion. She’s free to live her life now, and when she chooses, she will have a man that can be a man for her. She will find someone that can treat her how she deserves to be treated.” I don’t know who I’m trying to convince, but maybe if I repeat this in my head, it will eventually become easier.
“What if someone treats her like dirt?” Ari challenges.
“Then I’ll find that person and make them wish that they were never born.”
“She’s leaving for London, Spike. London!” She flings her arms wildly in front of her, and I feel her frustration. I can only assume Lottie chose to go to London as it was far away from me. I hate the fact that I made her feel like she had to fly across the world to be free of me, but I had no choice but to push her away.
“Don’t you think I know that, Ari? Don’t you think it’s going to kill me not to see her beautiful face every day? Not to hear her voice … Fuck me. I love her, I fucking love her more than life itself. Which is why I have to let her go. She deserves more than I can give her and I’m no use to her like this.” The words pour out of me. It’s the first time I’ve let anyone have a glimpse into how I’m feeling. Ari comes to stand behind the wheelchair and wraps her arms tightly around me, resting her chin on my shoulder.
“I love you, Spike. You’re wrong about not being enough for her. I wish you could see it.” Her quiet voice sounds heavy, weighted with sadness and tragedy.
“I don’t expect you to understand, Ari.” I shake my head gently.
“I know. But I’m trying to,” she says before kissing me on the cheek and releasing her monkey grip.
“My brother got lucky when he met you.” I reach back and place my hand on hers which is still on my shoulder. “I’m glad you’ve made him happy.”
One door closes and another one opens. What if his happiness was dependent on someone else’s misery? What if this is the way the world balances things out? I push those philosophical thoughts away, scolding myself for delving so deep. I never used to be so cynical, but life has a way of testing your strength by showing you your weaknesses. I’ve only ever had two weaknesses. My family and Lottie.
“Okay. I have some things I need to get done. Do you need me for anything?” Ari asks.
“Where is she staying?” I question. I was too absorbed in my thoughts of Lottie leaving that I never thought to ask where exactly she’s going.
“What?” Ari asks, confused.
“Lottie. Where is she staying when she gets to London?” She looks at the ground guiltily and my heart lurches. “Ari, tell me.”
“She didn’t have it figured out. She has a room at the hotel next to the airport for the first day, and then she was going to go in to the city. She wanted to travel freely.” She shrugs and flings her arms out. Lottie would have been adamant at this and I know she wouldn’t have let Arianna argue with her over it.
“That fucking girl is so stubborn,” I grate out through gritted teeth.
“Yeah, you know exactly what she’s like.” She smirks a little, and I shake my head.
“Yeah. I do.” The silence stretches between us as thoughts work overtime in my head. I contemplate calling Lottie and berating her for worrying everyone with her desire to be free, but I can hardly be so hypocritical after the worry I’ve caused everyone over the last couple of months.
“Okay, I gotta go. I’m sure Denham will be in to see you later after your therapist has been here. You good?”
“Yeah,” I answer, musing to myself exactly how stubborn Lottie really is. “Ari?”
“Yeah,” she answers as she’s just about to open the door to leave.
“I’m sorry for biting your head off.” I offer a small smile and she takes it, giving me one right back.
I clear up the kitchen as best as I can, then make a start on some paperwork that is long overdue. Eight weeks of correspondence, untouched and unwanted, but I can’t ignore it forever. No matter how hard I try, I can’t focus on anything. My movements are still limited with the back brace I have to wear day and night, and I’m secured to the wheelchair in case I slip forward or fall out.
Fall out of a fucking wheelchair. I shake my head at that thought.
Fuck my life and this shitty existence.
Despite the millions of things running through my head, my mind continually wanders to Lottie. It was easier when she was in Vegas. I knew Denham could look out for her and take care of anything she needed, but now she doesn’t have anyone to turn to. I can’t help thinking about what she’s doing right now. Has her flight left? And damn, where the hell is she going to stay after tonight? She has the outlook of a teenager. She never thinks further than the end of her nose if she can possibly help it, and always lives life to the fullest. It’s what attracted me to her in the first place. She has such a zest for life, a rose tinted outlook and a pure heart. Granted, to go along with that she also has a big mouth and is totally unapologetic with what comes out of it. I chuckle out loud, thinking of happy times. Happy memories to hold on to. Shit, I can’t sit here knowing that she could be out on the cold streets of London, vulnerable to anything and anyone. And I’ll be here, being fucking useless, restricted to this wheelchair. So I make a phone call to a friend of mine who is probably the only person I know in the whole of England. I know this is interfering in her life, and it’s not what she wants me to do. But I have to.
Feeling happier that I’ve done something to quell my rising fear of Lottie’s safety, I try and figure out how to get her to accept the help. I know she won’t do it if it comes from me so I need Ari to help me out. I grab my cell to call Ari to come over, which I then realize is unfair and just plain lazy. I can go across the hall to them. Sounds simple. But I haven’t left this apartment on my own since I came back here two weeks ago. Denham has driven me to the hospital for a couple of medical appointments but the panic overcame me both times. Leaving the safety of the apartment and going out in to the open caused me more stress and anxiety than I ever thought I could experience. People everywhere. Noise so insistent and invasive that I thought it was going to send me over the edge. It felt like everyone was looking at me, staring at the cripple. But that wasn’t the worst of it. The mere sound of a revved engine or an approaching car sent me in to a tailspin. The air was stolen from my lungs. My vision tunneled causing me to feel extremely dizzy even though I was strapped so tightly to my wheelchair that I could hardly move, and the sounds of the world moving around me echoed and whirred through my ears in a haze. I’ve suffered panic attacks of the worst form, so not only was I paralyzed physically, I was fucking useless emotionally too. Fucking useless.
But I want to do this one thing, for Lottie. So I take a deep breath and wheel my chair to the door. Step by step. I can do this. It’s just across the hall. What’s the worst that can happen?
I force myself to open the door. It’s nothing I haven’t done before, but I fix my eyes down the hall at Denham and Arianna’s door. The broken part of my brain is screaming at me to turn back. The old, determined me says it’s not a fucking marathon, it’s down the hall. Just man up and do it for your girl.
Shit. Not my girl anymore, but I have to do this for her nonetheless.
I shut out the craziness that’s ensuing in my head and push the gears of my chair forward. I’m at the door in just a few seconds, and to my relief, it’s no big deal. The demons in my head make the anxiety even bigger, and I realize I just needed to take control of it and push it away. I knock on the door, glancing over to the elevator where Lottie said her goodbyes just a couple of hours ago. My chest constricts, but I don’t have a chance to dwell too long.
“Hey, Bro.” Denham says, trying to hide the surprise in his voice at seeing me at his door. “You okay?”
“Uh, yeah. I think so, is Ari around?” I anxiously look past him to see if she’s there.
“You knocked on my door to see my girl?” He quirks one eyebrow and I grin. I’m no threat to him and Ari, and he knows it, but he can’t help being protective over her.
“Yeah.”
“Oh, okay, fair enough.” He winks and holds the door wide for me to enter. It’s the first time I’ve been in here since before the accident and I’m a little choked up when I see that he’s had a ramp fitted and several other little adjustments in his suite to accommodate me.
“Spike!” Ari calls, running over from the kitchen with a huge smile. “You okay?”
“Yep.” I’m actually a little overwhelmed at how I feel, even though it’s just a small step, but I try and hide it. I take a deep breath before saying, “Actually, I need you to help me.”
“Sure. With what?”
“Arianna, I can’t bear the thought of Lottie not having somewhere to stay, so I’ve sorted accommodation for her.” She opens her mouth to talk but I halt her by holding up my hand. “I know what you’re going to say. She wants to make her own way, and I get that. I don’t like it, but I get it, and I know I don’t have any right to interfere but I need to feel like I did something for her other than push her away and ruin her life. I guess you could say I feel responsible for her running half way around the world to get away from me so-” I pause as I observe Arianna and Denham standing in front of me, with the same expressions on their faces and their arms crossed, just letting me have my say. I huff out a laugh at the sight of them. “You guys are hilarious.” They look between each other with furrowed brows but I continue, “Anyway. I’ve booked Lottie in to the Park Plaza. It’s a studio room, with a really cool view over the river. And she has it for a week, so, you know, she can get herself settled and not have to worry about where she lays her head.” If I had my way, her head would be on my chest. But if I had my way, I also wouldn’t be stuck in this heap of metal. I wouldn’t be as helpless as I am without the use of my legs and I would be able to be a man for my girl. But I can’t change any of that and she’s not my girl anymore.
“Spike,” She drawls as she rolls her eyes and shakes her head.
“I know. I know. I shouldn’t have done it. I shouldn’t have interfered but I figured if you tell her that you and D booked it, then she won’t be so pissed, right?” I give her a hopeful look, knowing that she won’t be able to resist my plea, and also knowing that she will want Lottie to be looked after and safe just as much as I do. Arianna’s eyes go from wide and in awe, to glistening. Her bottom lip quivers and she tries to speak.
“You’re so−” Her words crumble in to sobs and she covers her mouth to stop them from escaping again before running off to her bedroom.
“Shit,” I mumble. “Sorry, D. I never meant to upset her again.”
“It’s okay, bro. She’s pretty emotional at the moment,” D offers, and I’m pleased he’s not pissed at me for making her cry, again.
“Yeah.” I know how she feels. Never in my whole life have I wanted to cry as badly and as often as I have the last few months. But I refuse to give in to that desire, even if it does burn behind my eyes more now than it ever has. “I just wanted to … I don’t know, make sure−”
“I know,” he sighs with a nod. He feels the weight of everything too. I see the strain showing in his eyes. Years and years of worry and responsibility, topped with a heavy dose of hurt and pain, is starting to take its toll. I’m grateful that he has Arianna. God only knows what would have happened if he lost her. It doesn’t even bear thinking about.
“You stopping for a beer, bro?”
“I don’t know, I … yeah, why not?” He raises his eyebrows at my agreement, clearly not expecting me to say yes, and as he gives me a nod and a small grin, it feels good to give him something to smile about rather than saying no to all of his requests. Arianna comes back out of the bedroom with a loud sniff and a deep breath. I click the wheelchair forward and make my way across the room to her. “I’m sorry, Ari. I didn’t mean to make you cry.” I hold out my upturned palm and she places her hand in mine without hesitation.
“No, no,” she shakes her head. “I’m just being silly. Can’t control these damn emotions lately. I’m just gutted that she’s there, and you’re here and you’re not …together.”
“I know. So you’ll tell her about the hotel, and try and make her take it?”
“Of course. You know how stubborn she is though.” She rolls her eyes. “I can’t promise anything but I’ll be as persuasive as I can be.”
“Thanks, Ari.” I laugh, shaking my head, “She really is the most stubborn woman I’ve ever met.”
“That she is,” Ari agrees.
