Текст книги "Some Sort of Happy"

Автор книги: Melanie Harlow

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Текущая страница: 9 (всего у книги 17 страниц)

Perfection.

Every moment.

From the front seat of my truck (who’d have guessed Skylar Nixon had a dirty mouth?) to the hammock (her hair pouring like liquid gold through my fingers) to my bedroom (better than any fantasy I’d ever had about her, and certainly better than any reality I’d ever experienced), every single second with Skylar had been perfect.

I’d been able to stay in the moment ever since she’d agreed to come home with me, so focused on her that there was no room in my mind for anything else. It was enough to make me utter those two little words to myself, the scariest two words I knew…What if? Only this time, the words didn’t frighten me because I was anxious about causing harm—the question wasn’t What if I hurt her? The question was What if I could make her happy?

And that was fucking terrifying.

How had she done it? I lay atop her now, our bodies still connected, our breathing still synced, our skin still slick, and wondered what spell had she cast to make me think after just two days that she could be mine and I could be hers and we could have this little place in the woods on the water where no one would bother us? Where we would love each other and explore each other and hurt each other and forgive each other and find grace in one another’s bodies and souls? Surely there had to be something enchanted about tonight—some sort of witchcraft that was bound to fade and break once the sun came up.

Because I knew better than anyone that this feeling never lasts, not for people like me. It’s an illusion that makes you feel good for a time, but it makes the fall that much worse when you realize it was only a tease. See what it could be like? See what you can’t have?

Skylar shifted beneath me, and reluctantly I rolled off her, stretching out on my back, hands behind my head. I locked my fingers together, refusing to let myself touch her the way I wanted to. Expecting her to get out of bed, I was surprised when she turned toward me and laid her cheek on my arm. I wanted nothing more than to hold her, but I couldn’t—I had to steel myself for the inevitable crash that was coming after such a high. I closed my eyes, inhaled and exhaled, desperately trying not to think about how hurt she was going to be when I pushed her away again.

She lay next to me for a minute before nudging my side. “Hey.”

“What?”

“What are you thinking?”

That I wish tonight would last forever. That I knew how to love someone without disappointing her. That I believed in happily ever after. “Nothing. I’m tired.” Her disappointed “oh” softened my heart, but I willed iron into it. “I should take you back.”

Slowly, she sat straight up. Looked at me in disbelief. “That’s it?”

“What’s it?” Like I didn’t know.

“That’s it for tonight? I don’t want to leave you, come home with me, I’m so glad you’re here…and after everything we did tonight, all you can say is I should take you back?” She threw my words back at me.

“Yeah. I guess so.” I shifted uncomfortably. “You were expecting something else?”

“Oh my God. Whatever. Fine.” She got off the bed and scooped her panties off the floor, stepping into them before throwing her dress over her head. The silhouette of her curvy breasts and hips against the window made my jaw clench. “Your sheets are a mess,” she said, fluffing that cloud-of-gossamer hair I loved. “Do you have a spare set to sleep on?”

“I have seven spare sets.”

She stopped moving and looked at me. “You have eight sets of sheets?” Then she threw her hands up. “What am I thinking? Of course you do. Do you want help stripping the bed?”

“No.” Did she think I didn’t want to sleep with her honey-and-almond scent next to my skin? I knew it was my soap she’d used but damn if it had ever smelled that good on me.

“OK then. I’ll meet you in the car.” She went for the ladder and started down.

Fuck. FUCK.

“Skylar, wait.” I sat up, dragged a hand over my hair. “Don’t go.”

“Too late, asshole.” She continued down the ladder and I heard her jump to the floor.

“Fuck!” I thumped a fist into the mattress, hard. Then I did it again, and again. I knew I shouldn’t take my frustration with myself out on her, but if I didn’t harden my heart against the what ifs, they’d drag me under. She’d drag me under. I’d be fooled again into thinking I was capable of being the person a woman like her deserved, of loving her the way she needed to be loved. And I knew—I knew—I wasn’t.

So fuck the big, sad ending. I could stop this bleeding at the source, and I would.

Angry and sad, I threw my clothes on and jogged out to the truck, where she was already waiting in the passenger seat, legs tight together, arms crossed. I knew she was really mad because it was the first time she was totally silent for more than five minutes. We were almost to her parents’ place when finally she broke down.

“I’m sorry,” she said shortly, her tone cold.

I glanced at her, but her pose hadn’t changed. “What are you sorry about?”

“For thinking I could do this. It’s too frustrating. You’re too frustrating. You’re hot and cold too fast.”

I pressed my lips together. Stared straight ahead.

“This is what I mean!” She glared at me but I kept my eyes on the road. “If you’d just tell me what’s going on in your head, maybe I could help!” she snapped.

God, she was so maddening—how could I explain that I had to keep her at a distance for both our sakes?

“You told me earlier today that you wanted to let me in. To give you time to let me in.” Her voice had softened a little. “And I wanted to. I was willing to. It was you who asked for more tonight.”

She was right. I felt some of my hardness crumbling, and I fought back. “Look, this is me. This is what I do. And if it’s too frustrating for you, then it’s better to end this now.”

“End what? We never started.” She looked away from me again.

A few minutes later, I pulled in her parents’ driveway. She had her hand on the door handle before I even put the truck in park.

“If you just wanted the lay, Sebastian, you could have said so,” she said bitterly. “You’re a great fuck.”

Then she jumped out, slammed the door and marched angrily over to her little house. When she disappeared inside without even pulling out a key, I realized she hadn’t even locked it tonight. Damn it, Skylar! You should lock your doors! The ferocious need to protect her growled and bit at me beneath my skin, and I thumped the steering wheel hard twice, fighting the urge to go make sure it was secure now.

The urge won. Furious, I strode to her door and tried the handle. Locked.

“Fuck you!” I heard her cry from inside. “Go away!”

Back in the truck, I threw it in reverse and tore out of there, tires spinning.

• • •

When I got home, it was after midnight. I went straight up to the loft, where her scent still lingered. After undressing, I lay on my stomach atop the sheets where she’d offered herself up to me, no questions asked. I closed my eyes and she appeared…sultry and brazen as she straddled me in the truck, shivering and sweet as she lay with me in the hammock, hotter than fuck sprawled under me in my bed.

Hurt and angry on the ride home.

Groaning, I punched the pillow twice and flipped over onto my back, staring at the sloping ceiling as my thoughts turned resentful.

Did she really think I’d used her just for sex? How could she, when I’d confessed to her how I used to feel about her ten years ago? When I’d told her today I wanted to let her in but needed time? Did she think I hadn’t meant the things I’d said?

It was just like a woman to say she understood about needing to give a guy time and then demand to know his feelings at every turn. What the fuck did she expect from me? I’d told her before things even got physical with us that I was bad at relationships and not interested in one. What else was there to tell her? If she didn’t want to hang out anymore, fine. Good. I didn’t need her. I didn’t need anyone. Better to be alone than a constant disappointment to someone.

At least she thought I was a great fuck.

“Wow. You look kind of rough. Late night?” Natalie’s brows lifted suggestively.

“Sort of.” Listlessly, I stacked coffee cups behind the counter. I’d hardly slept, and I was so tired when my alarm went off I’d nearly called in sick.

“Did you have fun?” Natalie prompted, loading muffins into the display case.

“Yes.” I sighed. “And then no. I need coffee.”

“Help yourself.” She nodded toward the pot. “Why no?”

As we went through the morning routine, I filled her in on what I’d learned about Sebastian over the last couple days—his OCD, his fear of harming people, his past, his cabin, his family, his aversion to relationships, his former crush on me…everything I knew. I even told her about snooping in his notebook.

She gasped. “What? That’s awful! I can’t believe you did that!”

I grimaced. “I know. I shouldn’t have. But I was so curious about him, and he wouldn’t talk to me! He still won’t.”

She looked confused. “What do you mean? You just told me a crap ton of info about him. Didn’t he tell you all that?”

My chin slid forward. “Well, yeah, he tells me that kind of stuff. But he doesn’t—” I stopped. He did talk to me, it wasn’t that so much. “OK, it’s not that he won’t talk, it’s that he will, and he says these sweet, crazy things, and then stuff happens, and he freaks out and turns into an asshole. He’s too hot and cold.”

“What kind of stuff happens?” she asked, her eyebrows lifting.

I sighed. Of course she focused on that part. “Sex stuff.”

She gasped. “You had sex?”

“Yeah. And it was amazing,” I said sadly. “Best I’ve ever had.”

“Wow.” The first customers were starting to arrive, so we had to get to work, but we agreed to go for a drink that night to talk, and I texted Jillian to join us too.

All morning and afternoon, I mulled over what had happened, and by the time we closed the shop I had to admit there’d been a lot more good moments than bad last night. Had I jumped down his throat too quickly? All he’d done was suggest driving me home.

But no. No.

I could tell that something was different with him after that last time in his room. I didn’t really think he’d used me for sex—I’d only said that to hurt him. But something had happened to make him close off by the end of the night. The guy who’d driven me home was not the same guy I’d lain in the hammock with.

So who was it? And how could I get the other one back?

• • •

After we closed, I went home and took a long nap. When I woke up, I felt more rested but had no better understanding of Sebastian’s motives for shutting me out. Maybe my sisters would have some insight.

We met at Trattoria Stella at seven and sat at the bar, Jillian flanking me on one side and Nat on the other.

“So what’s new?” Jillian shrugged out of her jacket. She looked professional and mature in her dress trousers, pumps, and sleeveless silk blouse, and I immediately felt childish next to her in my ripped jeans and sandals.

Quit being stupid. It’s not about clothing.

“Skylar had amazing sex last night,” Natalie announced breathlessly, leaning forward with her elbows on the bar. “And she’s gonna tell us about it.”

“Amazing sex. What’s that like?” Jillian asked wistfully, picking up the wine list.

“I wouldn’t know either,” Natalie replied.

“Why?” I looked at her. “The text messages?”

Natalie shrugged, her mouth in a grim line. “He says those are nothing. We’re just in a dry spell, I guess.”

“Everything seemed fine at dinner last night,” Jillian offered, “and speaking of dinner.” She elbowed me. “I take it the amazing sex was with Sebastian, the guy you brought to Mom and Dad’s?”

I nodded glumly.

“You don’t look too happy about it.” Jillian tilted her head. “What’s up?”

We ordered wine and some appetizers, and while we nibbled and sipped, I spilled to Jillian the story I’d told Natalie this afternoon.

“OCD is really rough. I’ve got a few patients with it.” Jillian swirled the last ounce of chardonnay in her glass. “And you’re never really cured of it.”

“I know. He said the same.” I took a bite of calamari and didn’t even taste it. “But is it the OCD that’s making him so moody? One second he’s sweet and talkative and laughing, and the next he’s a total dickhead.”

Jilly shrugged. “It could be. Obsessive impulses can pop up at any time or they can be there all the time. If he’s struggling with something in his head, he might not be able to just ignore it and keep up the chatter. Maybe going silent is one of his strategies for dealing with the thoughts instead of trying to bury or avoid them.”

“Yeah.” I set my fork down, feeling full although I’d barely eaten. “Makes sense, I guess.”

“Did he say anything about the fiancée?” Natalie asked.

“Not much.” I didn’t feel like blabbing the details he’d told me about their breakup—in fact, I felt strangely protective of them.

“Maybe he’s not over her?” Jillian suggested.

“No, I don’t think it’s that.” Suddenly I just wanted to go home and get back in my bed.

“Maybe he’ll call you to say sorry,” Natalie said, her blue eyes wide and sympathetic.

“He doesn’t even have my number. And he already said sorry.” My throat felt tight, which made me angry. Why should I cry over him? “He just didn’t say anything else.”

“Well, what did you want him to say?” Jillian looked at me like I was a little crazy. “It was pretty much your first date, wasn’t it? Maybe you’re expecting too much.”

“Just forget it,” I snapped. “It obviously didn’t mean anything.” I felt bad that I was being so prickly when my sisters were only trying to help, but I was getting more depressed by the minute. Without the fun distraction of Sebastian on the horizon, I was right back where I started.

The day after I slept with Skylar, I had an appointment with Ken, which I wasn’t looking forward to. In fact, I nearly canceled it, but then I remembered how easy it was to backslide and justify when I got this way. I’d avoided therapy in the past because of something I didn’t want to face, but that had only made it—and everything else in my life—worse.

So after a hike at Old Mission Point Park and a quick session at the gym, I showered, dressed, and went to his office.

“I slept with someone last night,” I announced as I slumped onto the couch in his office.

Ken, who hadn’t even sat down yet, looked a little taken aback at my choice of openers, but recovered quickly, lowering himself into his leather chair. “Oh?”

“Yes. That girl—woman—I mentioned a couple weeks ago. The one I used to have the crush on.” I stared at my jeans, an older pair that had been washed so many times the denim had faded to that blue color I loved.

He flipped back a page on his notepad. “This is the one you were going to approach again because you’d had the setback the first time?”

“Yes. I approached her the next day.” I could still see the happy surprise on her face when she ran to the door to let my dripping wet ass in.

“It went well, I take it.” Ken’s tone was amused.

“Yeah.” I frowned. “Too well.”

“How so?”

“I went out with her Tuesday night, then spent almost all day yesterday with her, then last night we—” I rubbed the stubble on my jaw, still feeling her satin thigh against my cheek. “You know.”

He kept a straight face. “Go on.”

“At first I was troubled by the thoughts of harming her, and I can’t say that’s entirely gone away. But over the course of the day, it was replaced with this…I don’t know. Wanting.”

“Wanting for what?”

“To be someone else.” To be the kind of guy who can touch her every day without fear. To be the kind of guy who can get on a plane and fly her somewhere romantic. To be the kind of guy whose mind doesn’t convince him of things his heart knows aren’t true. “To be different.”

He lifted his shoulders. “Sounds like she likes who you are. Does she know about—”

“Yes,” I interrupted. “Right up front I told her about my anxieties and why they make it tough to be close to me.” I sighed, closing my eyes for a second. “She said she was willing to try.”

“Good.” He sat back and pushed his glasses farther up on the narrow bridge of his nose. “So why do you want to be someone else?”

“I want to be someone that could make her happy,” I said, crossing my arms in frustration, hands fisted. “And I can’t because my mind won’t let me.”

“There’s more to your mind than OCD,” Ken reminded me. “A lot more than that.”

I studied my legs, seeing her straddling them. Fuck. I closed my eyes again, but she was there too. “I’m not right for her. She deserves better, or at least normal, and she’d realize that fast. She could have anyone. Why would she want me?”

Ken crossed an ankle over a knee. “So let her make that decision. Fear of intimacy is not OCD, by the way. Neither is being afraid to commit. There’s no reason why you can’t give this a try, Sebastian.”

“Yes there is,” I said, annoyed with him. Ken was probably married with three kids and thought it was all so fucking easy when you met someone you wanted to be with. “My entire being is the reason. All the shit in my head. She says she likes me, but she also said I frustrate and confuse her. That shit doesn’t go away.”

“She’s confused by your thoughts? Your compulsions?”

“No, I mean those would probably get to her eventually, but right now it’s my moods. My silences. Whenever I sense myself letting my guard down, I retreat into myself and push her away. But I have to, because I know how this ends.”

Ken’s brow furrowed and he set his notepad aside in favor of crossing his arms just like I was. “I’m not sure I understand. You’re scared of physically harming her? That’s why you push her away? Or you’re scared of getting emotionally attached to her? Those are two very different things. Let’s figure out which we’re dealing with.”

I hesitated. Some part of me didn’t want to admit to Ken that I was scared for my own sake—that I saw myself falling for Skylar, that I was half in love with her already, but that I’d be unable to make it work, and losing her would destroy me.

“What happens when I have a bad day?” I asked. “When I make us miss dinner reservations for the tenth time because I have to check the locks again and we’re halfway there? What happens when she asks me to slice the turkey at Thanksgiving and I can’t pick up the fucking knife because I think I’ll stab someone? What happens when she needs to fly somewhere and it’s an odd day and I get down on my knees in the airport and beg her not to get on that plane?”

“I don’t know, Sebastian. Because that’s just fearcasting. It’s not real. And you’ve got ways to cope with those things.”

“Well, I know what happens.” I stared Ken dead in the eye. “I drive her mad. She leaves.”

“But that’s not what happened with your last relationship, is it?” he pressed. “You broke things off. You realized you didn’t actually want to marry Diana. That means your doubts were not inconsistent with your true feelings. That’s not OCD, Sebastian. That’s stopping yourself from making a mistake.” He held up his hands. “Now. Maybe you went about it all wrong, but that’s another matter entirely.”

I dropped my gaze to my legs again, spoke a little more quietly. “It won’t work in the end. I don’t know how to make it work. She leaves, Ken. I know she does.”

“And then you’re alone again,” Ken said. “Probably forever.”

“Exactly.”

“Because you’re a horrible person who doesn’t deserve to be happy.”

I nodded. This guy knew me way too well by now. It was aggravating as fuck.

“Bullshit, Sebastian.”

“Huh?”

He shrugged. “Bullshit. If you truly believed you’re a horrible person, you wouldn’t be here talking about her. You’d have given up already and holed up somewhere to be alone and miserable for the rest of your life. And you do know how to make it work—you’re just scared.”

I swallowed, unsure if I should tell Ken to fuck off or keep talking.

“The truth is, you’re letting guilt from the past and fear of the future poison the potential of this relationship already, even though you really like this woman and she likes you.” He pushed up his glasses again and leaned forward, knees on his elbows. “But you have to be willing to try, Sebastian. You have to be willing to fail. And that takes guts.”

My arms came uncrossed. Was he calling me a coward? “I have guts,” I said defensively. “I’m just trying to think things though. I don’t want to make the same mistakes I’ve made before, Ken. This girl is…special to me. She’s different.” I took a breath. “She’s perfect.”

Ken shook his head. “Nobody’s perfect. Not her, not you, not me…I don’t even think this is all stemming from OCD. Mostly, I think this is just a man scared to let himself be emotionally vulnerable to a woman he cares about.” He smiled wryly. “Oldest story in the book.”

• • •

Later that afternoon I took the boat out on the bay and thought about what Ken had said. Was he right? Was it plain old fear of rejection rather than my OCD getting in the way of my taking a risk? How could he know, anyway? He didn’t hear that voice in my head that made me doubt everything. God, what I wouldn’t give for some fucking conviction about something.

The truth was, I didn’t want to be closed-off and miserable for the rest of my life. Maybe I’d thought I could be alone, but that was before I knew what it was like to be with Skylar, to feel that kind of connection to someone. And it wasn’t all sexual—well, it was a lot sexual—but it was also emotional. She made me want to share things with her I’d never talked about outside therapy. She made me want to change the way I lived my life. She made me want to deserve her, or at least try.

But I’d fucked up already…Would she forgive me if I apologized again?

Probably. That was the kind of person she was. But she might not be willing to take another chance on me without some assurance that I wasn’t going to keep doing this. And how the fuck could I offer her that kind of assurance when I had none of it myself?

All I could do was try harder, and as I rowed hard back toward the cabin, muscles aching, I vowed that I would.

• • •

The following day, I spent the morning at my father’s office, getting caught up on some files he’d assigned me, and the afternoon covering the front desk for Lorena, his assistant, who had to go pick up her sick child at school. My dad had offered to call in a temp, but I assured him I could handle the job. Mostly I spent the time thinking of things I could do for Skylar, ways I could make it up to her for being such a dick. I still hadn’t contacted her, but I had an idea in the back of my mind.

Around three, a couple came into the office that I’d never seen before. She was little but curvy, like Skylar, with a thick head of wavy light brown hair and a friendly smile. He was dark-haired and taller than his wife—they both wore rings, I noticed—but not really a tall guy. I wondered if she was pregnant, because as soon as they entered the lobby, she sank into a chair and put both hands over her stomach. “Oof,” she said, closing her eyes.

“Are you OK?” the guy asked, putting a hand beneath her chin. “I can run you home, Mia. You don’t have to be at this meeting.”

“I’m fine, just woozy. We’re already here so let’s get this done.”

He straightened up and approached me at the desk. “Hi. We have an appointment with Malcolm Pryce at three fifteen. Lucas Fournier.”

I noticed he had a slight accent. “Of course. I’ll let him know you’re here.” But after fumbling for a moment with the complicated phone on Lorena’s desk, trying to use the intercom, I gave up. “OK, forget this thing. I’ll just go back there and tell him.”

“Thanks.” He smiled, but quickly turned his attention back to his wife.

I went down the hall and knocked on Malcolm’s open door. “Your clients are here. Fournier?”

“Oh, right. Fuck. ” He pushed back from his desk, which was a mess. It drove me crazy how disorganized he was. How the hell could he find anything in this shit pile? “I need a few minutes. I’ll meet with them in the conference room. Can you show them in?”

“Sure.”

“Great, thanks.” He stood up and straightened his tie before stacking some paperwork together.

Back up front, I found Lucas Fournier seated next to his wife, her hand in his. “Malcolm will be right up,” I told them. “In the meantime, I’ll take you into the conference room. I’m Sebastian, Malcolm’s brother.”

“Nice to meet you.” Lucas got to his feet and shook my hand before helping his wife rise slowly from her chair. “This is my wife, Mia.”

“Hi.” She shook my hand as well. “Sorry I’m a little green in the face. This pregnancy is killing me.”

“Oh.” I wasn’t sure what to say. “Congratulations?” I tried.

She smiled. “Exactly.”

“This way, please.” I showed them to the conference room and got them each a water bottle from the fridge in the kitchen across the hall.

“Thank you,” Mia said gratefully, unscrewing the cap and chugging the water. “I’m so thirsty all the time.”

“It’s because you’re working too much,” scolded her husband. But he did it gently. “You need to hire someone to help you.”

“Yes, I know. I’ll get around to it. But I haven’t found anyone I trust yet, and I like things done a certain way.” She tipped back the water bottle again and probably didn’t see him roll his eyes.

“Yes, I know. But you said you’d hire someone by the end of the month, and if you don’t, I will.”

“What do you do?” I asked, mostly to be polite.

“We own Abelard Vineyards,” he answered, pulling out his wallet and handing me a business card.

“Oh, nice.” I studied the card, my mind clicking. “I’ve heard of it. You took over from another winery a few years ago, right?”

“Yes, and bought some property adjacent to it, which is why we’re here. There’s a dispute over the property line with a neighboring farm, and we’ve already planted the area in question.” Lucas glanced at his wife. “We’re also expanding our tasting room and events schedule this summer, which is why we need to hire more help now.”

She ignored him. “Can I use your bathroom please?”

“Sure.” I gestured behind me. “It’s just down the hall to the left.”

“Thanks.” She looked at Lucas. “Be right back.”

He watched her leave, shaking his head. “She just went at the doctor’s office. It’s insane.”

I had no fucking idea what to say to that. What possible appropriate comment was there to make about his wife’s bladder? Luckily, he saved me.

“This is our third, so you’d think I’d remember all this.”

“Wow. Three.” I’d never pictured myself with kids, and Diana hadn’t wanted any, so I couldn’t imagine life with one, let alone three.

“Yeah, that’s why she needs an assistant. But she’s so damn stubborn.” He shook his head.

“What sort of help does your wife need? I know someone who was the assistant tasting room manager at Rivard, but she’s looking to do a little more.”

“Really?” Lucas looked interested. “What’s she doing now?”

“She’s working at Coffee Darling currently. That’s her sister’s shop. But I know she’d like something else.”

He nodded. “I know that place. They have good croissants.” Pulling out his wallet again, he gave me another card. “This is Mia’s card. Pass this along to her, and have her give Mia a call to set up an interview.” He smiled wryly. “Although my wife’s so picky and so moody these days, I almost don’t want to send your friend into lion’s den.”

“She can handle moody,” I assured him. “And I think your wife would like Skylar—she’s beautiful and smart, and she works really hard.”

Lucas grinned. “Is her last name Pryce?”

“Ah. No.” The tips of my ears burned. “It’s Nixon.”

“Well, what are you waiting for, Pryce? Marry that girl.” His grin widened before he tipped up his water bottle again.

I rubbed the back of my neck, which suddenly felt hot too. “Yeah, it’s probably too soon for that. We’ve only been on one date.”

Mia came back in the room, and his eyes lit up at the sight of her. “Sometimes that’s all it takes,” he said.