Текст книги "The Weight of Rain"
Автор книги: Mariah Dietz
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His Series
Becoming His
Losing Her
Finding Me
One night changed my life—one that I barely remember.
When I close my eyes, my mind paints a picture of his smile and shades the contours of his hands, the deep scar around his bicep.
I’m an artist, yet my hands are unsteady. With his presence, he has unknowingly broken that something inside of me that makes me who I am.
Being around him is like standing in a rainstorm. First the drops tickle my skin, and then they coat me, refusing to be ignored. Finally, they soak into me, reaching parts of me I don’t think anyone has ever touched.
When dreams turn into reality, will the picture in my mind transfer to paper?
For Lisa Greenwood, my strength, my confidence, my humor, and such a large and essential part of my life.
And for my boys. I will always love you too.
Dream big, my loves.
“BEN, BRIAN, Benny, Brent, Bailey?”
“Isn’t Bailey a girl’s name?” My eyebrows draw down in question, though I’m tired of playing this game.
“No, I’ve known guys named Bailey. It’s one of those names.” Charleigh twists in the driver’s seat, eyebrows arching knowingly. I catch her glasses sliding down the bridge of her nose and her hand brushing blonde hair from her face before I turn to watch the road.
“One of those names?” My voice is surprisingly even as we dangerously near the median.
“Yes. One of those names. You know, where a boy or a girl could have it. Like Charleigh.”
“It wasn’t Bailey. I would have remembered that name for sure.”
“You were pissed! You can’t even recall how you got home!”
“Drunk,” I reply automatically. “I was drunk.”
“Drunk, pissed, same difference.”
“Only you Brits think pissed means drunk. Here in America, we all think it means angry. We’ve gone over this.”
“Yeah, yeah, stop changing the subject. Brandon, Brad, Bobby, Benedict?”
“Benedict?” My neck snaps to face her.
“Yes, Benedict.”
“Who names their kid Benedict?”
“Plenty of people!”
Raising my eyebrows, I look at her with disbelief, which she returns with a glare.
“Did he tell you where he lives?” Charleigh asks, undeterred by my attempt to change subjects.
My index finger slams against my chest. “Drunk. Remember?”
“At least you remember what counts, I suppose.”
“I don’t remember his name, Charleigh!”
“But you remember that he made you see stars!”
“Stop! You make me sound like a floozy.”
“You were a floozy. You got pissed and slept with a complete stranger with good teeth.”
“He did have great teeth,” I agree.
“At least we know he has good hygiene. That’s a plus.” I groan, slapping a hand across my eyes to hide from my own embarrassment. “I’m just teasing. I’m proud of you, Crosby. You finally got a piece! It’s been over a year since the last time someone dusted your hallway.”
“Stop!” My objection is met with laughter, which has my eyes rolling.
“Don’t get your knickers in a twist. I’m just teasing you. I’m glad you found someone you’re interested in.” Her focus moves back to the windshield for a moment and then turns to me, her lips pressed tightly into a hopeful smile. “We could try changing the last two digits and dial the number, see if we get anything.”
I look down at the palm of my left hand that’s been scrubbed clean. Two weeks ago I woke up with a pounding headache, a hazy recollection of events that involved meeting a guy with auburn hair, warm amber eyes, and some of the straightest, whitest, most even teeth I’ve ever seen—along with a phone number that was half smeared/half worn off my palm. I vaguely recall mentioning to him that it was hard to read at the time and him smiling at me, offering me more water. My memories contain blurbs including people dancing and me laughing, but the bright smile, and eyes that held so many unspoken words—that I vaguely recall trying to pull out of him—are the most potent.
Images became clearer and clearer as the night went on, including one where I definitely remember convincing him I was sober enough to have sex.
I, Lauren Crosby, convinced a complete stranger to sleep with me at a house party.
On someone else’s bed.
He was quite possibly the hottest guy I’ve ever seen. There’s no way that, had I not been drinking, I would have spoken to him. Liquid courage alone led me to trace my tongue along the python snake tattoo that wrapped around his bicep and over his shoulder. I know we exchanged numbers in such an outdated fashion because I’d been wearing a dress and left my phone with my roommate, Kenzie.
“I doubt he even remembers me,” I mumble.
“Lauren, I swear to God, if I hear you say that again, I’m going to kick you in your loaf of bread.”
“Your cockney threats don’t scare me, they just confuse me.”
“I’ll kick you in your head! Make that brain of yours start working!”
“I’m sure I gave him my number too. He hasn’t called,” I object, meeting her hard stare. “It wasn’t like I was the only person interested in him. Trust me.”
“I think we should ask around some more.”
“Ask what?” My tone expresses my exasperation.
“Someone had to have seen you both at the party!”
“Charleigh, I’m giving up. It would be so weird to find him now, anyway. I mean, what am I going to say? ‘Hey, remember me? I’m the girl you gave water to because I was too drunk to take care of myself. Then I talked you into sleeping with me.’”
“You could tell him you’re pregnant.”
My hand flies out, connecting with her shoulder. “That is seriously the worst joke ever. Plus, Aunt Flo arrived this morning, thank you very much.”
“I know. You’re grumpy as all hell, and you ate a Snickers for breakfast.”
“Stalker.”
Charleigh laughs, shaking her head. “Did you try describing him better to Kenzington? She knows loads of people.” Only Charleigh insists on calling Kenzie by her full name—Kenzington.
“Like five times.”
“What about the others?”
“I’ve asked everyone I know. I’m beginning to look pathetic.”
“Stop being such a stubborn arse,” Charleigh orders, but the lilt in her voice makes it hard for me to take it as more than a suggestion.
“Can I be a cranky arse and tell you to just drop it? It happened, it’s over, we’re moving on.”
“But you liked him, Lauren! You really liked him!”
“Charleigh, I don’t even remember the entire night. Beer goggles make everyone seem amazing.”
“Well, let’s see Mr. Stars without the beer goggles, then.”
“Let’s focus on you staying on the right side of the road. The more you talk, the more you forget that we drive on the right side of the road over here.”
“Don’t be a twat.”
“I’m going to give you a pass and pretend I don’t know what that means. Meanwhile, I’m going to nap.”
“You’re going to make me stay awake and drive while you rest?”
“It’s better for both our nerves.”
“You’re a nightmare.”
“Dressed like a daydream.”
“Don’t you dare!”
I lean my seat back and start humming the popular song, eliciting a growl from Charleigh that makes me laugh before she reaches forward and drowns me out with the sound of a new song. Smiling, I close my eyes and imagine the warm brown eyes I saw that night, and the chestnut hair with a natural wave that somehow managed to fall perfectly in place, unlike mine when I leave it in its naturally wavy state. There are dozens of partial memories I have from that night, but sleeping with him is as clear as crystal. Every breath, sound, stare, and touch is flawlessly etched into my memory, and I’m struggling to decide if I am grateful or rueful for it.
I STIR as the car engine stops, grateful that I missed Charleigh’s parallel parking job. “Since you’re working a half shift, I’ll just take the bus home,” I say, unbuckling my seatbelt.
“What time are you off?”
My hand grips the cloth strap of my messenger bag, pulling it into my lap so I can securely fasten the flap. Rain is coming down in sheets. It distorts the images of people and storefronts, bringing a slight itch to my brain that has been absent. It’s the desire to create.
“Lauren.” Charleigh extends my name like it’s several syllables, and I shake my head and turn to face her.
“Sorry. I’m off at ten.”
“I was going to head over to the library. I’ve got some homework I need to work on, and I can’t go home and do it. It’s English, and I can’t focus on reading and books when I’m surrounded by fabrics and designs.”
“The library closes before ten.”
“Then I’ll just come by and have some nachos.”
“Charleigh, I’ll be fine.”
“I know.”
“Then why are you acting all mother hen on me?”
“Because you get distracted when she rings.”
“When who calls me?” I ask absently.
“Did she talk about coming to visit again?”
I shake my head and watch the blurred shape of a person jog across NE Martin Luther King Boulevard. “No. She said she wants to try again in November. She’s been busy.”
“But you’re her daughter.”
My nails rake across my forehead, likely leaving a red pattern across my fair skin. “I know. She’ll come eventually. Summer’s a busy time for her work.” I straighten in my seat and reach for the door handle. “I’m serious though—don’t hang around downtown for four hours. Go home. I’ll catch the bus.”
“I can come back. It’s a short drive.”
My chin drops and my eyes blink and then slowly open. “I’ll. Be. Fine.”
“Call me, then. I want to know when you leave and when you get home.”
“You know, I was doing this a long time before I met you.”
“Too long.” My eyes dance across her lips that are turned down at the corners. Her gaze won’t meet mine. “Alright, at least text me. I get anxious.”
“Alright, I will text you when I leave, and again when I get home. Seriously, you’re worse than the possessive boyfriend type.”
“Damn right. I got a key to your flat after knowing you for only a week. I move fast.”
“Did I mention you’re a stalker?”
“You can’t stalk the willing.”
“Only willing with you.”
Charleigh leans forward and kisses each of my cheeks and reclines back and opens her door. “Later, love. Don’t forget to text me!”
“Don’t forget to stalk Allie.”
“I already know she’s at her friend Katie’s, working on an empire waist dress that is going to look fab on you. Now get to work. You’re going to be cutting it close.” She slams her door closed as I stand on the sidewalk.
The rain quickly finds every fraction of exposed skin, including my wrists and the back of my neck, sending a tingle down my spine. I give Charleigh a parting wave before putting my head down and making a run for Sonar, the small Mexican restaurant I work at.
“Hey, Lo!” I smile at Mia as I make my way through the back entrance that leads directly into the kitchen. “Guess what? Julio and Kendra are making mole and sopapillas tonight! Do you smell it?”
I stop and take a deep breath through my nose, taking in the tingling sensation from the spices and the sweetness lingering with the heat. “I was hoping for tamales, but mole is a good second.”
“The best.” Mia’s lips, which are painted a bright orangey-red, lift into a wide smile. Then she turns, heading over to the prep counter where she expertly begins dicing lettuce. She’s been working here since she was eighteen, and her thirtieth birthday is next week. She knows this place better than everyone aside from Estella, the owner, and helps with all functions.
“Hey!” I call, heading farther into the kitchen, passing several waiters, bussers, and cooks.
“Hey, Lo!” a chorus echoes in response.
“It’s crazy out there tonight,” a new waitress says, stopping in front of me. Her brown eyes scan her notepad as she shifts her weight to the other foot. “My feet are killing me.” She’s still trying to wear cute shoes with heels rather than practical ones for all the moving we do.
“I’ll have some mole ready for you as soon as you’re on your break, baby,” Mia assures her.
“Mole and a foot rub?”
“Mole and a shot of tequila,” Mia counters.
“Deal.”
My laughter joins Mia’s, a woman who has become one of my closest friends since moving out here three years ago, and head over to clock in. With the few minutes left before my shift, I fix my hair, pulling the loose brown strands back up into a messy knot on my head, and tie a black apron around my waist.
“Lo, you’re on one through eight tonight. I may need you to take nine and ten too. The new guy isn’t working out so well. The more tables he gets, the more mistakes he makes.” My manager, Estella, appears from the front of the restaurant, her long black hair parted and braided around her head and her lips a dark maroon. I used to sketch her on my breaks because she has one of the most parallel faces I’ve ever seen, but lately, all I sketch are hands—the same hands I managed to memorize the most minute and subtle details of.
“I’m on it,” I assure her.
“And Lo.” I turn, my eyebrows high with surprise that there’s more instruction when we generally communicate with so few. “Find your smile for me tonight. I miss it.”
My lips lift obligingly, and I shake my head before I head out to table four. My hands fish through my apron to ensure I haven’t notoriously grabbed the one apron with no pens again, and work begins.
“YOU’VE got to move out, Lauren.”
“Tell me about it,” I grumble, dropping my pillow and sleeping bag to the small bedroom floor.
“Lie up here with me.” Charleigh extends the same offer each time I come in, and each time I reject it.
“I’m fine.”
She’s learned to stop arguing.
“Was it the same guy? The crier?”
“No. This guy kept making her call him daddy. If I didn’t already have daddy issues, this would have done it for me.”
“That’s sick,” Allie murmurs.
“Sorry, Al. I didn’t mean to wake you guys up.”
She releases a long yawn before I hear her roll over. “No worries. I sadly use your bad luck and stories about Kenzie to feed my boring life.” Another loud yawn fills the quiet space. “But do you ever worry about your bed … and if they use it.”
“I hadn’t … until now.”
Allie’s giggles are muffled as she pushes her face into her pillow, making my lips instinctively curl, but the idea of some strange man sleeping in my bed—very possibly naked—makes me feel the need to burn my sheets first thing tomorrow. At least I always bring my pillow with me.
“Daddy huh? Like, Spank me, daddy?”
“Charleigh, you need to get laid,” Allie says. I release a quiet chuckle as I roll to my back, feeling the hard floor bite into some of the tension in my shoulders from having been hunched over my easel all afternoon.
“No, I’m not turned on by it. I just want to know in what context he wanted to be called daddy,” Charleigh says, her thick British accent heavier with sleep.
“I don’t know. I was sleeping and woke up to heavy breathing and ‘Call me daddy.’” I’ve woken up to my roommate having sex in our closet of an apartment more nights than I haven’t since we moved in together a few weeks ago. The first time it happened, I froze. I had no idea what to do. Our beds face each other, but thankfully I was rolled toward the wall when the noises woke me up, so I dipped below the covers and tried to discreetly move so I was covering my ears and started trying to remember the lyrics to every Backstreet Boys song I used to dance around to in my room.
We hardly knew one another other than the awkward pauses and extended invites we each doled out, our schedules only burdened with work and social engagements with it being summer. The guy thankfully left after he found what he came for, and Kenzie fell asleep soon after the door shut. I stayed awake all night, trying to determine what had happened. I expected her to be mortified about what had transpired the next morning, or suffering an extreme hangover, because really, who would do that sober? I was shocked to find her glowing, happier and even more chipper than she normally was.
It was two days later that I was awoken by similar sounds. There was no way I was going to remain in there and pretend I didn’t hear what was going on.
I rolled over with the initial intent of telling them to go somewhere else, but they had turned on the desk lamp, and when I turned, I got a view of my roommate fully exposed on her hands and knees, with a guy I didn’t know behind her. He heard my sharp intake of breath and for a split second, I saw a look of panic cross his face. His expression quickly turned lazy and then for several long, awkward seconds, he moved into her while staring at me. I had never felt so inferior in my twenty-two years. It took thirty seconds for me to grab a sweatshirt, my pillow, and book bag, and get the hell out of there.
It was still late June, and although there was a slight breeze, the night air was still warm as I made my way down the stairs of the apartment building. My eyes scanned over the parking lot in an attempt to go unseen, because I was wearing a pair of blue fleece pajama pants covered in moose and polar bears on skis that I’d received from my grandma at least five years prior. They were hideous and too short, but they were also soft and comfortable, and I was suffering a slight case of homesickness.
As I made it to the ground level, a car pulled into the space in front of me. The dome light lit up the interior as female voices filled the silence.
“Are you lost?”
My eyes widened as I looked between the girls, holding my pillow a little lower so I didn’t look like a lost ten-year-old. “Sorry?”
“Are you lost?” she repeated, a heavy British accent joining each of her syllables into a song.
“No,” I replied, shaking my head. “I was just taking a walk.”
“At midnight? In your pajamas? With your pillow?” With each question, the lilt in her voice diminished, making each sound more like a statement rather than a question. “Are you hurt?”
Shaking my head, I gripped my pillow a little tighter, wishing she would stop staring at me. “No. I’m okay, really.”
“Do you want something to drink? Some tea maybe?” she continued, taking a step closer.
“Thanks, but I’m good,” I replied.
“Clearly you’re not. You’re creeping around after midnight in your pajamas. You aren’t a mugger, are you?”
“A what?” I asked.
She looked across the hood of the car as her friend began to giggle. “She asked if you’re a burglar,” her friend said, a light southern drawl accompanying her words.
“No!” The word popped out of my mouth with enough force to reach the opposite side of the apartment building. “No,” I said again, softening my tone. “I’m not a burglar.”
“Then what are you really doing?” the British girl asked.
“My roommate has a male friend over.”
“These flats are studios. There’s no privacy!” I noted the lack of the “a” as she spoke the word with emphasis, making me mentally repeat it a few times myself, privicy. “That’s awful.”
I lifted a shoulder and moved my pillow to my side, dipping my free hand into the pocket of my hoodie.
“We have a couch you can sleep on,” the friend said, her accent lost.
Normally I would have declined the offer and sought out a place to sit where I could watch for my roommate’s guest to leave, but something about her kindness, or possibly her persistence, had me nodding in agreement and taking my hand back out of my pocket as I took a couple of steps closer to them.
“I’m Charleigh, and this is Allison,” the British girl said as I got within a couple of feet.
“Allie,” the dark-haired woman corrected her instantly, her tone agitated, like this was something she repeated often.
“What’s your name?” Charleigh asked, ignoring Allie’s correction.
“I’m Lauren. It’s nice to meet you both.”
“It’s nice to meet you too, Lauren. Come on, then.”
I followed them back up a flight of stairs to the studio apartment below mine where I was met with fabrics of all shades filling nearly every surface of the small space. My eyes tracked several of them, a new one beginning before the last ended.
“We’re going to school for fashion and design,” Allie explained from my side. I turned to look at her and nodded a couple of times before my attention was caught by something that resembled the fur of a long-haired cat, only fuchsia pink. Eyebrows slightly raised, I moved my focus back to Allie and Charleigh.
“You’d make for a great model.” My eyebrows lifted even higher as I looked to Charleigh. “You have that willowy look to you. But we need to work on your posture.” With that as her warning, she pressed her right hand to my breastbone and her left to the center of my shoulder blades, pushing down, making me stand taller.
“There you are. That’s perfect. Right, Allison?”
“You would be pretty great. How tall are you, anyway?”
“Nearly five-eleven.”
Allie blew a low whistle between her bottom lip and her two front teeth. “You can sleep here anytime if you’re willing to model my final project.”
“Yeah, I sort of need a hazard sign on my back when I wear heels.”
“That’s okay. We have months to get this right. We’ll have you walking the runway like you own it.” Allie turned toward the small inlet of a kitchen and quietly began singing “On the Catwalk.”
My gaze moved to Charleigh seeing her give me an assuring smile. “You’ll get used to it. Besides, she’ll be on to her next thought in like five seconds. She’s totally ADHD.”
“I can hear you,” Allie sang as she turned off the tap from filling a tea kettle.
“I intended for you to,” Charleigh returned in the same sing-song tone.
“What’s your poison, Lauren? Coffee or tea?”
“Coffee, please,” I replied as my eyes started following another bolt of fabric. “You guys have so much stuff. School hasn’t even begun.”
“What are you studying?”
“Art restoration and composite drawing,” I replied.
“And you don’t have any supplies upstairs in your apartment so you can work whenever you please?”
I looked at Charleigh, noticing her eyes were a beautiful grayish blue, almost the same color of the skies before they turn dark with a storm. “Touché,” I said with a smile, turning my attention to where she was staring at my hand with the charcoal stains that never fully washed away, regardless of using a hand brush or special soaps.
“We’re artists. We’ve been living and breathing fashion and designing our own clothes since long before we enrolled here.” Charleigh’s words made perfect sense to me. I never went anywhere without my messenger bag, which always contained at least one sketchpad, multiple pencils, and random pieces of charcoal rolling around the bottom.
“Coffee for you, and tea for you.” Allie extended two giant mismatched mugs to Charleigh and me.
“I can’t believe I haven’t met a single American who likes tea.”
“You’re in the Pacific Northwest, babe. Land of great coffee and the best garage bands in the world,” Allie explained, reaching for her own mug, a cup with yet another design and shape.
“Are you from Portland?” Charleigh asked, looking up at me.
“No.” I shook my head and carefully set my cup on the small table beside me, watching as billows of steam evaporated into the air. “I’m from Montana, actually.”
“Montana?”
“Yup.”
“Is that where your roommate is from as well?” I repeated Charleigh’s question in my head a few times, memorizing the notes as she spoke.
“No. She’s from here.”
“How did you meet her?” Charleigh took a seat beside me, her eyes wide with interest.
I took a deep breath and released it nearly instantly. “I replied to an ad.”
“You found your roommate through an ad?” Allie turned her full focus to me “That’s crazy! She could be all single-white-female crazy.” Allie’s brown eyes were wide, and I could tell her imagination was starting to run with possibilities as to why I had truly left my apartment.
My soft laughter was inevitable. “I don’t think she’s that kind of crazy.”
“You never know.” Allie’s eyes were still stretched, catching on the light of the lamp, leading me to inspect the chestnut shade with amber tints around the edges. I couldn’t help it. Art has always been something I have loved and always led me to carefully inspecting every color, shape, texture, and movement that many disregard.
“I guess it’s a good thing I can model my way onto a couch, then, right?”
They both laughed, and I traced their faces, noting Charleigh’s upper lip, which was slightly more pronounced than the lower—became even fuller when she smiled. And that Allie’s nose bunched up and her nostrils flared in an endearing fashion.
“As long as you can learn to walk in heels,” Allie said, nodding to my flip-flop exposed feet.
“Heels … right.”
I ROLL over and try to get comfortable. It was only a few days later that their couch became an important surface to store materials with such limited space, thus leaving me to the floor. But I don’t mind. The friendly memory tickles my mind as I search for sleep.
