Текст книги "Finn Beckett"

Автор книги: M. J. Fields

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Текущая страница: 13 (всего у книги 15 страниц)

I walk in to Forever Four the day after our last show. I’m hung-over and pissed that I had to come in. I mean, who the fuck plans a ten o’clock meeting the day after the last concert in a sold out run? Xavier Steel, that’s who.

I walk in to the conference room, finding Taelyn and Xavier are the only ones in.

“What the fuck? Everyone else say fuck it?” I plop down and lean back in the chair.

“No, actually we just wanted to meet with you alone to go over something.”

“Something?” I ask “This something couldn’t have waited till noon?”

“We have a decision to make about Sonya’s employment at Forever Four, and since you are one of the founding members of this company, we want your opinion.”

No one has mentioned her; they all know better. I assume Tally and she are in contact since the PR and social media shit is still running the same way, but no one has mentioned her. Even when I try to get them to, they don’t.

“I have no bearing on who you hire and fire.”

“Okay then, how would you feel if we extended her contract?”

Good, I’d feel fucking good because she’s fucking crazy and needs it, I think to myself, but the reality is, hell yes, I want what is best for her.

“Will she be touring with the band?”

“No, she won’t. She will work remotely. But if we have our way, she’ll be here a few days a month,” Taelyn answers. “But we have to make sure it’s okay with you.”

“You afraid of losing me?”

“Of course we are, but she also insisted we make sure. She doesn’t want to make things uncomfortable for you.”

“If she doesn’t want to make things uncomfortable for me, then why the fuck is she telling you my personal business?”

“Your personal business directly involves her future. It’s not like she told us you had a three-inch dick or sucked in bed.” Xavier laughs.

“Well, if she did, she’d be lying.” I pull my beanie farther down.

“Lying like you are to yourself?” Xavier asks.

I stand up slowly. “Listen to me and listen well. I’m not the one who needs a pep talk or cares to be a part of your little fucking conference room talk show. I’m not Memphis. I’m not going to head down to Forever Steel and get your stamp on me or have your guy stick a needle in my dick. What I will do is continue writing music, playing shows, and behaving on stage. I will remain part of this cult-like work environment you’re trying to create. But you don’t get to put your nose in my personal business unless my dick has been inside of you, get it?” I don’t wait for an answer. I walk out, hearing Xavier laugh.

“He’s an angry, little elf, isn’t he?”

Fucker, I think as I walk out the doors of Forever Four.

***

I can’t fucking write. My muse has left me, and I am consumed by anger at myself for believing I could live a normal life. I jam with the band, but I am unable to write a damn thing that isn’t gonna make me sound and feel like a fool.

It’s been two weeks since I walked into Forever Four. I can’t do it. I can’t do it, and I won’t. They think I’m in woodshed mode, but I’m far fucking from it.

I look up when River and Billy walk in.

“You aren’t ready?” Billy asks.

“For what?”

“The house warming get together at Memphis and Tales’ new place.”

“Nah, I’m gonna write,” I tell them.

“Bullshit,” River says. “They have been waiting to have this party because they don’t think you can handle your shit. We’ve all been pussy-footing around you for long enough. Let’s roll.”

I look at him. “Are you fucked up?”

He laughs. “No, asshole. I’ve been off of everything since we got in our little lover’s quarrel. Now either get your ass to the door, or I swear I’m gonna come over and kiss you all over that fucking bush on your face.”

I look at Billy ’cause I don’t fucking believe it.

“He’s sober. Nice you could notice. Now let’s go, or I’m gonna take pictures of him licking your bush face and post ’em all over social media.”

“I’m really into this right now,” I say, trying to get them to back off.

Neither budges.

“Fine, but I am going for an hour, two max, and then back to work.”

***

We roll into the driveway, and I look out the back window.

“Impressive,” I say as I step out, and it is: beachfront property, two-story house with an attached garage that is also two stories. The siding and the landscaping are new. It’s lit up by sidewalk lights leading to a screened in porch.

We walk inside where I see Xavier and Taelyn, Nickie D, the guys from Inappropriate Thoughts, and Memphis and Tales.

The lead singer raises his bottle to me and nods.

“They sign?” I ask.

Billy laughs. “Yeah, about a month ago. Where the fuck have you been?”

I follow Billy and River over to the lead singer. He’s tall and lean, inked down his arms and up his neck. He has a Mohawk and nose piercing.

“Deeds, you remember Finn?”

“Sure do. Nice to see you again, and thanks for the heads up on Stockton and intro to Steel.” He doesn’t shake my hand but hands me a beer.

“No thanks necessary. Any time I can stick it to that bastard and save someone from making the same mistake I did…” I pause when I see her walking out of a doorway and toward us. She hasn’t seen me yet, but she is scanning the place like she knows I’m here. When her eyes meet mine, she takes in a quick, short breath and stares at me. Fuck!

I look away and right at Billy. “Thanks for the fucking heads up, asshole.”

“Heads up on what, Sonya?”

“What the hell do you think I’m talking about?”

“She’s been in and out of the office for a month now, once, sometimes twice a week. Has a cute, little kid with her most of the time. He’s a great—”

I turn and walk away while he sings her praises.

I make it to the door and step out, needing some air, some space, some—

“Hello, Finn,” she says, and then I hear the door shut.

I don’t say a word. I can’t. I’m afraid of what will come out.

“Okay, well, I just want you to know I still don’t want to kill you.” she laughs, then stops. “What I mean is, if I make you uncomfortable, I will leave, but if there is any chance you’d like to talk—” Her voice breaks, and she sucks in a slow breath of air. “If there is any way you can forgive me, I would love that.”

I snap my head around and look her in the eyes. “I don’t want to kill you, either, but I am telling you it’s best if you go back inside.”

“I know you want me. I know I want you, and I know what’s best for me, and that’s anything you can give me.”

I take her hand and drag her out the door, walking fast.

I open the doors to the SUV River drove us in and tell her. “Is fucking me in the backseat of this vehicle best for you right now?”

She nods furiously.

“Then get in.”

She climbs in the back.

“Now don’t you fucking move.”

“I won’t. I promise. I love—” I slam the door before she finishes and storm toward the house where River is walking out.

“You want a smoke?” he asks, pulling out a pack of cigarettes.

“No, I want you to go take her back to wherever she is staying. I can deal with her working at Forever Four, but not being here.” I pull out my phone and look for a cab company.

“Finn, the chick is in love with you. You obviously have feelings for her, and—”

“If you value this friendship, you will get her home. Now!”

He nods then turns and walks to the vehicle.

I press call as he opens the back door, and she climbs out then gets in the front. I watch as she covers her face with her hands, and I feel like I am going to fucking lose it.

The number is busy, so I hang up and try again. They answer, and I give them the address.

At home, I walk in the house, feeling like hell, worse than hell. I grab the Jack Daniels bottle off the counter and suck down a quarter of it, screw the cap back on, and go to my room where I lie there and think about the girl I just did a favor by pushing  away.

***

I wake to Billy yelling. My head is pounding, and I still have a slight buzz. I look at the clock, and it has only been an hour since I lay down.

He flips on the light and I cover my eyes.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“There’s been an accident. Get dressed and let’s go.”

“What the hell are you—”

“River and Sonya, a truck hit them ten miles away from Memphis’s place.” His voice cracks. “Just get the fuck up! Get up now and get dressed!”

I jump up and immediately feel a wave of nausea hit hard. I pull on a pair of running pants and a sweatshirt is halfway over my head when I walk out the door.

“Shoes! Get some fucking shoes!”

“Fuck, son of a bitch!” I stammer as I open the door and grab my slides.

I then run to the car, jump in, and close the door as he peels out of the driveway.

He hits his GPS. “Jersey Shore University Medical. Quickest route.”

The route takes us back by Memphis’s place and past the scene of the accident where River’s new ride is fucking totaled. And when Billy said truck, he didn’t mention a semi. The driver’s side door looks to be where the collision took place.

“What do you know?” I ask.

“I know you need to tell people where the fuck you are going when you leave, and so does he. I know, when I couldn’t find either of you, I called a cab, and we sat behind a line of cars until traffic was cleared. Then I found out about the fucking accident that way. What the fuck was he doing with her?”

“I told him to take her home. I insisted he take her fucking home.” I punch the dash a few times and slam myself back in the seat. “This is my fucking fault.”

At the hospital, we pull in and both run to the ER entry. Memphis and Tally are in the waiting room, and so are Xavier and Taelyn. None of them look good.

“How are they?” Billy asks.

“River’s a fucking mess, but alert. He was talking all sorts of shit to Sonya.”

“How is she?” I ask.

“They’re both going to live, but River is fucked up. His arm is all tore up, his leg, his fucking …” Memphis stops, and Tally pulls his head down onto her shoulder.

“They’re going to be fine. Sonya is going to get some x-rays to make sure she has no broken bones. She’ll need some stitches. She has”—Tally sniffs—“glass in her head and—”

“When can we see them?” I interrupt.

“When someone comes out and tells us we can,” Xavier says with no emotion in his voice.

We all stand. None of us can sit. Taelyn is on the phone with someone—I assume Josephina Steel—and from what I can gather, Noah is with her and baby Patrick.

In about an hour, the door opens and a doctor walks out.

“River is asking for Xavier and Finn. Sonya is asking for no one, but she is going to be fine.”

“I’d like to see her for a moment,” Taelyn says quickly.

“She’s trying to rest, but I will allow it for a couple minutes.”

Xavier and I follow Taelyn and the doctor through the doors and down the hall.

When Xavier and I walk in the room, River is out of his mind, high on pain meds.

“I’m so fucked.” He laughs and runs his right arm over his hair. “I need surgery, pins and rods, and—”

“You’ll be okay, man. You’re alive; that’s all that matters,” I say, sitting next to him.

He busts out laughing. “I’m not sure you’ll want me to be fine after the little fucking PI over there gets to you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Xavier chuckles at him.

“I’m the motherfucking joker.” River pulls up his sleeve. “And you”—he points to me—“are not. Light and dark, black and white, you and me, bro.”

The doctor comes in and says they are ready to take him up to surgery.

“You and me, River … you and me.” I smile and nod. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I sent you to take her home.”

“Just get the fuck out of here,” he says to me with a disgusted look on his face. “You won’t be sorry.”

The nurse puts something in his IV that almost immediately takes him down about ten notches.

“Light and dark, black and white,” he says to me right before he says, “Jesse was mine, too,” and passes out.

Xavier looks at me as they wheel him out of the room. “What the hell is he talking about?”

I shrug as rage boils inside of me.

Noah is going to stay with Taelyn for tonight since they won’t let me leave, and I have never left him with anyone but Margie. I hope he won’t be scared. Then again, if he saw me right now, he would certainly be afraid.

I look up to see Finn slide through the door before he shuts it behind him. For the first time, I am truly afraid of him.

I close my eyes tightly as tears fall down my face, listening to him sit, yet he doesn’t say a thing.

I wish he would leave. I wish I had never come here.

“You awake?” he asks quietly.

“Please, just don’t.” I sob into my hands.

He sighs. “Don’t what? Ask if you’re okay? Tell you I’m sorry for putting you in his vehicle? Ask you how long you knew about”—he pauses—“him and her?”

I should answer him; maybe then he will go away.

I wipe away my tears. “He has a joker tattoo. The joker is mentioned in the book. I didn’t realize that’s what she meant. Your tattoos weren’t mentioned.”

“I didn’t have any then,” he says quietly.

“Until I saw it, I never put it together that her dark knight and white knight weren’t two different moods or a poetic reference. They were two different men. She loved both dark and light, and there was never a mention of whose child she was—”

“You okay?” he asks, cutting me off.

“Been better, been worse,” is all I say.

He looks at me and shakes his head then stands and leans toward me.

“Please don’t hurt me.”

His body stiffens, and he looks at me like those words wounded him. Then the door opens, and a nurse walks in. I am relieved someone else is in the room.

She looks at him then me. “Something for the pain yet?”

I shake my head, and she sighs. “Push the call bell if you change your mind.”

I nod, and then she walks back out the door.

“Sonya, take something,” he almost pleads.

“I can’t,” I say.

“Why?”

Taelyn walks in the room and looks at me then at him and back at me. Once I shake my head at her, she nods once and then looks back at him.

“Are you staying?”

He shakes his head. “She needs something to help her sleep. She is refusing pain meds and—”

“You can take something, Sonya. It’s okay.”

I ignore her and ask, “How is Noah?”

“He’s asleep at our place. Joe said he fell asleep on the couch. He’s fine. I will bring him by in the morning.” She leans down and whispers, “Tell him,” in my ear before kissing my head.

I shake my head again.

“Tell me what?” Finn asks.

“Please, just go. I’m tired. Just … go.” Fear of him and want for him doesn’t mix well.

He walks slowly toward the door then looks back. “I’m sorry.”

His head hangs low as he walks out.

Taelyn looks at me. “You’re gonna have to face the music soon, Sonya. Get some sleep tonight. I’ll call you in the morning before I bring Noah by.”

“Keep him safe, please, Taelyn. Keep him safe.”

“Of course.”

***

I wake up, and I swear I can still smell him. The nurse comes in and checks my vitals, telling me I will have a hard cast put on my leg in a couple hours. She also suggests I take something for the pain.

“I’m fine.”

She shakes her head. “The word is stubborn, not fine. Pregnant women take pain pills that don’t pass through the placenta, and you are so early that the baby is in a bulletproof case. They are going to set your leg, and it’s not going to be pleasant.”

“I’ll take that into consideration,” I say with a nod.

After she leaves, Taelyn calls.

“Good morning. I have a little boy who would love to see his mom. Is it okay if—?”

“Yes. Yes, please. And he needs a booster seat; he’s not tall enough or heavy enough to—”

“Xavier is already on it. He’s, like, the safety police in the family.” She laughs. Then I hear Noah laugh in the background. “He is, right?” I can tell she’s asking Noah.

“Uh-huh.” He giggles.

“How long?” I ask anxiously.

“Half an hour max.”

“Perfect. Taelyn, I don’t know how to thank you. I am so grateful for—”

“That’s what family does, Sonya. We are one, big, dysfunctional family that functions. Does that even make any sense?” She laughs.

“Thank you.” What a horrible situation to be in, love pouring in and wanting to just run as fast as you can to get away, while you have a broken leg.

I sit back and try to get comfortable. It’s impossible, though. Then I look up and notice Finn standing there. Fear teases me, but his eyes make it nearly impossible to be afraid.

“You’re pregnant?” he asks, unmoving.

“How…? What…? I—”

“I’ve been in the hallway all night, Sonya. I heard her say it.” He motions his head in the direction of the nurses’ station. “Tell me I’m wrong.”

“You’re scaring me.” I almost stutter when I say it.

“I’m scaring you?” He’s pissed, but then it’s as if he changes his mind. “Oh. Oh, fuck. Jesus—”

“Please leave. Please leave, because—”

He holds up his hand, stopping me. “Just answer the question. Are you having my child?”

“I am.” I swallow. “I didn’t know … I don’t know if … I was in an accident, and I don’t know what—”

“You’re afraid of me?” His voice vibrates the air when he speaks.

“I’m terrified of you,” I admit. “Completely and totally terrified.”

He closes his eyes and shakes his head, then walks out.

When Taelyn and Noah arrive, I feel relief sweep over me.

“Wow, Mom, you got boo-boos.”

“I do, but it’s okay. Climb up here and snuggle me. I missed your snuggles.”

“I missed you, too, but Momma Joe is a super snuggler.”

“I’m so glad.” I laugh as he climbs up on my right side, the side that was bruised badly from my body hitting the passenger door.

“I’m sorry you got hurt, Mommy.”

“Accidents happen, Noah, but I’m gonna be fine.”

“Better than fine,” Taelyn says. “Tell her the big surprise, Noah.”

He grins from ear to ear. “I can?”

“Of course you can.” She laughs.

“The house in Ohio sold!”

“It what?”

He nods. “The retailer called your work phone. The lady who answered called her, and she telled me. So we get to live here by the ocean, Mommy.”

“Realtor,” I smile and tears fall.

“Yep, that. It’s okay. We can get a new one … with security.”

His words bring me to a new level of realization. He sees all of my insecurities, all of my flaws, and not only does he see them, but he recognizes them. I am so ashamed to think of the damage I have unknowingly caused him.

“I’m not sad, Noah. I’m happy.”

“Good. Me, too.”

After they leave, the nurse comes in. “We are going to wait until tomorrow to set your leg. We want to make sure all the swelling has gone down, and again, I am offering pain medicine.”

“No thank you,” I say, earning a harsh look. “I would like my phone.” I point to the outlet. “I can’t get to it.”

“And you should eat something,” she mutters, but I ignore her.

“And if you could tell me how River is?”

“He’s out of surgery,” she says, shaking her head. “Your friend is a pain in the ass.”

“Is that your professional opinion?” I smile.

She laughs, shaking her head. “Both personal and professional.”

***

I wake to his voice. “You Mommy’s friend from the picture?”

“You’re Noah.” It’s Finn’s voice.

“You know my name?”

“She talks about you all the time.”

“You was here yesterday?”

“I was. So were you, right?”

I sit up and lean toward the door, straining to hear what else is said.

Noah walks in, holding Finn’s hand, and Finn looks at me, his knit cap pulled low. He has on jeans and a gray sweater over a white T-shirt, and he has trimmed his beard.

“I found your friend,” Noah says, dropping Finn’s hand and climbing up on the bed. “He was here yesterday but never came in. I think he should know you’re fine.”

“Are you fine, Sonya?” Finn asks.

I nod, wrapping my arm around Noah, who is now perched at my side. I kiss his head and ask, “Yes. Did you have a good night?” I am talking to Noah, but I am still looking at Finn.

Finn shakes his head while Noah nods, and I can’t help smiling.

Taelyn walks in and looks at Noah. “Hey, you, did you forget something?”

He laughs. “I found Mom’s friend.” He turns and looks at me. “Be back.” He jumps down and looks up at Finn. “You stay with her?”

“Yeah, little man, I will.”

As soon as they leave, Finn walks over and sits in the chair next to the bed.

We’re silent for a few minutes before he says, “You should take something for the pain.”

“Finn …” I begin.

“No. It’s my kid, too, and well, fuck, Sonya. Fuck, fuck, fuck.” He clenches his fists. “I don’t want you to hurt because you’re afraid—”

“I think that’s why Noah has so many issues, and I don’t want this baby to have the struggles he has. And I don’t even know if it’s a viable pregnancy. I don’t even know how the hell it happened. I’m on the pill, Finn. I take it at the same time every day. I set an alarm as a reminder when I don’t even need a reminder.” I bat away my tears and continue, “I don’t know how it happened.”

He leans forward and reaches up, swiping his thumb across my face. “I don’t, either, but I can assure you it wasn’t on the plane.”

I cover my mouth and laugh as I cry.

He stands up and sits on the side of the bed. “What do you mean by not viable?”

“I mean I am spotting and it’s so early. I mean anything can happen, so if that’s why you’re trying to be nice when you don’t like me—”

“I may not like what happened or how shit went down, Sonya. I may be pissed, but that doesn’t change shit. Hasn’t changed since that night. You didn’t kill me, but you sure fucked me six ways to Sunday.” He looks at me and shakes his head. “You’re afraid of me. It took me all of ten minutes to realize why. I’m a little pissed right now, but that doesn’t make me a fucking sociopath. I would never hurt you. Never like he did.”

“You can’t take my child away from me. If everything is okay,” I squeak and hold my hand over my belly, “you can’t take the baby away from me.”

He shakes his head. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“I don’t like being away from Noah. I won’t like it any more if you decide to be part of this baby’s life and—”

“I wouldn’t take a child away from a mother like you. The kid would hate me, I would hate me.” I can’t help feeling relieved. “I hate me for staying away from you, but I don’t know how to deal with you knowing about her and all that shit, Yaya.”

“Yaya.” I smile.

“You frustrate the hell out of me, scare me shitless. You have so much power over me and are so incredibly strong. I knew it from the minute I looked at you. And when I told you I love you, I meant it, too.”

“It can’t be because you think I’m pregnant.” I don’t want him to feel trapped by the situation.

“Jesus, woman, are you listening to me? I have been in that hallway since the accident. I left to shower early this morning because I couldn’t stand the smell of me, and I sure as hell didn’t want to come in here and gross you out. Before that I had been trying to avoid you, but bathing in my memories of you this entire time … I can’t turn it off, and I don’t want to.”

“It can’t be because you feel guilty about the accident,” I say, feeling like I don’t deserve him, not after everything.

“Then let it be about the truth. You sent my father, and the Whites, tickets to the show. No one has ever done something like that, something because they knew it would mean a lot to me. Hell no one, including me would have even known I needed that. Just you. You love me. I see it; I feel it. I love you, and you see and feel the same thing. Let it be about the truth.”

“I want to believe it.”

“You’ve know about her the entire time, and you’ve tried to tell me. You wanted me despite it. Until the accident, until I thought I could lose you forever, I didn’t let that set in. I let that insecurity, that lie, almost cost me the only woman who ever loved me the way I love her—a true kind of love.”

His sincerity is unmistakable and genuine. I can see it and feel it.

“I want that with you.”

“Then you’ll have it, and I will, too.” He brings my hand to his mouth and kisses it. “God, I’ve missed you.”

Noah and Taelyn walk in with a huge basket of flowers.

“For you, Mom.”

“Thank you so much,” I say, pulling my hand back from Finn’s lips.

Noah looks at Finn and then at the bed.

“Am I in your spot, little man?”

Noah shrugs and lifts his arms to Finn. “I can sit on your lap.”

“Sounds good.” Finn grabs him under his arms and helps him up. “This okay with you?”

Noah grins and nods. “Yes.”